A day by day and often hourly account of a temp

Monday, April 30, 2007


I hate it when this happens:


So... these pandas in this zoo in Thailand are having trouble mating so the zoo is showing them Panda Porn. I mean... I just...

Somebody's In Trouble

The fire marshal is pissed because only a few of us went into the hallway during the fire drill. I only went because the girl next to me did.

Best quote ever from the fire marshal: "You're there...you're busy on the computers playing with your money. But how good is that money going to do you if you don't escape a fire?! Huh?! Not very much, I'll tell you that." Please picture the principal from The Breakfast Club on this one.

In The Doghouse

This morning, I'm walking my dog. I see another dog with a new haircut:

Me: Nice haircut!

Dog's Owner: Thanks. It's his birthday haircut.

My Dog: mustsniffbuttmustsniffbuttmustsniffbutt

Other Guy's Dog: getintheregetintheregetinthere

Birthday... waaaiiiit a minute- I at that point just realized it's my dog's birthday tomorrow. What should I get him? What do you get the dog that... sort of has... a lot of things but not everything due to time money and space?

Here's what I would get him, had I the time, money, space and a screw loose:

PS he turns nine.

Friday, April 27, 2007


Let's play this. Click on the high score contest and tell me how many balls you can sink in 10 turns. Starting now.

Hey, Guess What?

I ate pie for lunch.

Anyone want a Cobb Salad with two bites taken out of it?

Really Gonna Get Sick

Thanks. I now have a contact-hangover from the girl next to me. She is so hung over I am having psychosomatic pains and nausea. Anyone have a hot water bottle and a bed?

Gonna Get Sick

A company that shares our office just got a delivery of sample pies from a business who wants to work with them. Now I just want to eat pie for lunch.

Baldwin To Apologize For Calling Daughter A Pig

That's a headline story on CNN today.

I mean, seriously, how messed up can he be? His daughter is clearly NOT a pig:


A pig:

Poor Alec Baldwin. It must be hard to be such a dick. It's too bad because he is really talented.

He is, however, a gorilla. With a gun:

Joke Fell Flat

So part of my "job" is to make sure there are a few diet Snapples in the fridge for my boss. To facilitate the happening of this, I put a few machine made labels on said Snapples. So the other day I hear the guy from the other company we share the office with go, "Oh, shit!" Turns out he drank one of the other guys' Snapples. So as a joke I put one name tag on one Snapple in the fridge for him.

It's now two days later and I see him drinking the Snapple with his name. I poke my head in and joke, "So, I see you found your Snapple." To which he says, "(totally serious) Yes, thank you for doing that."

Um... really?

No one get me here, people.

I'll be here all week.

Umbrella Etiquette

I can understand owning the an umbrella with the diameter of a mini cooper if you live in suburbia and rarely ever walk next to anybody, but for the love of the little baby Jesus, why on earth must you break that thing out on a crowded sidewalk in Manhattan?

And don't give me a dirty look when I duck underneath you. Just because the umbrella broadly covers the area does not therefore make all sidewalk space beneath it your property.


Thursday, April 26, 2007

I'm Googled Out

I just spent an hour looking for specific, and only available in France, tiny gift bags with chocolates in them.

Comme ceci:

Unfortunately they could not be delivered in three hours as the party is tonight.

C is for Cookie

These don't taste like Girl Scout...

Somebody please keep me away from these cookies.

House of Whacks

Which one of these celebrities is actually made of wax?


...or b.

Errands 'N Things

I'll be more than happy to buy art supplies for your child's birthday party as I am your assistant, but I'll be damned if I spend $10 apiece for fancy sketch pads. I hauled a@# to Duane Reade a whole 6 blocks away to prove a point... no child should have that much money spent on them.

Plus, there's nothing wrong with a $1.99 Doodle Pad.

Someone Let The Crazy Out

As I'm sure I've told you all before, my superintendent's girlfriend is insane. I had some friends over last night and here's what we had to deal with.

The first two friends arrive. I go downstairs with my excited dog, who is yelping a bit out of excitement. I let them in. Then as we are walking up the stairs, the Crazy comes out- she stops one of my friends and says something to the effect of, "I DON'T WANT ANY MORE OF YOUR RABID DOGS IN HEAT AROUND HERE" or something like that. My friend is trying to respond while I'm twirling my finger around my ear at the top of the stairs which is, as we all know, the universal sign for "crazy". I finally had to resort to furiously swiping my finger across my neck, the universal sign for "just stop" or "you are so dead", depending on the context.

Finally, I ushered them inside my apartment.

Pretty soon, another friend is downstairs. I run to let her in and out walks Crazy pants who says to my friend "WATCH OUT FOR THE RABID DOGS IN HEAT!!!"

If it weren't for the massive amounts of champagne, wine, cheese, meat, dips and salad at my place, it might have ruined my night.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Whatever Happened To "Freckles"

I found the cutest puppy on the internet. Then I read his name. Can you guess what these owners named their Basset Hound?

a. Angela Bassett
b. Colonelel Ebulus Byrnes of the Second Union Cavalry (Retired)
c. Patches

I'll give you a hint. It's not a or c.

Hey! Remember The 80's?!

We were just talking about our favorite PSA's. Someone in the office reminded me of this old gem:

"I do coke, so I can work harder, so I can make more money, so I can do more coke. So I can work harder, so I can make more money, so I can..."

I think you do get the idea. I tried to find a youtube clip of it but all I found was this one about the Münchhausen syndrome:

His Name Is Dick

Does anyone else know/care that Dennis Kucinich introduced articles of impeachment against Vice President Dick Cheney?

Or as my office neighbor said when I told her, "Good. That guy looks like a jerk."


This is an actual conversation I had with a 4 year old this weekend.

Boy: Hey sister. You know what?

Me: What?

Boy: Chicken butt! Hahahhahahahaaaa!

Me: You know why?

Boy: (cautious, confused) Whhhyy?

Me: Chicken thigh! Hahahhahaha! (In your face!)

Boy: Oh, yeah? Well do you know why?

Me: (trepidatious) Whhhyyy?

Boy: Chicken pie! HAHAHAHHAHAAA!

Me: (humbled) Wow.

Administrative A@#

I want to apply to be an Administrative Ass.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Dorothy Parker

My new favorite quote is from Dorothy Parker:

"I've been too fucking busy and vice versa"

Hello Kitty

This still freaks me out:

ABIAB Part 2

Narcissist, Bachelor or Gay? (Or Canadian...)

A Bee In A Bonnet

I've never technically had a bee in my bonnet, probably because I have neither worn nor have I had the opportunity to wear a bonnet, but I imagine if I did I would not want a bee in it. First of all, it would annoy me with its constant buzzing and then eventually it would sting me. So in order to free the metaphorical bee from my imaginary bonnet, I'd like to talk about a few things.

First of all, this school shooter- seriously, what the fuck. I read over this woman's shoulder on the train this morning this article and the tag was: "It's Not Gun Laws. It's Not Video Games. It's Narcissism." Granted, all of these things should be taken into account when dealing with something like this, but at the end of the day it's a really good point. I think I found the article here.

If you don't have time to read the whole thing, I'll sum it up with a line from its author, David Von Drehle: "The pain, grievances and self-pity of mass killers are only symptoms of the real explanation. Those who do these things share one common trait. They are raging narcissists."

Narcissists. I've met those. I'm not talking about the ones who are a little self obsessed; the narcissists I am referring to are the ones like our president. He can do whatever he wants, and if you are not with him, you are against him. No discussion.

I also happen to know that raging narcissists are also big raging pussies when they find out someone disagrees with them.

Regardless, you give them a little power like you know, a gun or the presidency or whatnot, and people get hurt and wars get started. So do everyone a favor today. If you know a narcissist, please refer them to outside help. Even a someone who cares only about himself cannot help himself. I'd make today "Adopt A Narcissist Day" but every day is narcissist day when you are a narcissist so let's just try to get the unstable people medical attention and work from there.

Okay, that went on for way too long because I really wanted to vent a bit about this season's bachelor on The Bachelor. He's so gross. Every girl he's with he tries to kiss by clumsily leaning his cheek into theirs as if their cheeks will become one by some sort of bizarre osmosis, and he keeps pressing into the cheek all the while gingerly* moving his head sideways to get their lips and when he does, he's all tight lipped like he's never kissed a girl in his life. I watched an entire episode last night and it must have happened like, five times.

Anyway. I feel better now. I'll try to stay bee free for a while.

*(for LR)

Monday, April 23, 2007


Hey guys! Contest time! If you can tell me what kind of animal this is, Lawyergirl owes me $10! You can guess more than once! Enjoy!

I Love Flowers

This time, I am not joking. It is Administrative Professionals Week. Feel free to give your secretary/assistant/receptionist a hug. But not too close or for too long.

Please Dear Little Lord Baby Jesus

According to American Idol, for their charity show this week entitled, "Idol Gives Back", we will be treated to a performance by "Two of the biggest stars in musical history". Guess who they are talking about?

Celine Dion and Elvis.

Not a joke.

Expect a Nat King Cole/Natalie Cole style "Unforgettable" action with a screen and everything. Oh my god, it's going to be a train wreck.


In the spirit of the upcoming Kentucky Derby:


It's Good To Be Tempy

Yeah, I'll take those two big fat checks.

Now if you excuse me, I'm going to AC to let it ride...

And It's Only 10:45

Things I have accomplished today:

1. Finished an article for my online magazine
2. Downloaded Real Player
3. Checked every email account I have
4. Applied hand cream

For The Birds

I just spent an hour downloading a video player into my computer to watch footage of a parrot smarter than me.

Friday, April 20, 2007

Oh Man

Some dirty hippie convinced me to do this tomorrow. I guess we're painting or planting or something. Either way, I have to get up early.

Too Fast


Hey, did you see that? I just blinked. I'll do it again.


You know what I just did? I just changed health insurance and my primary care physician. All in the time it took me to blink.



Can you count the number of things wrong with this picture?

This Morning

Me: (to security guard who is NOT of any Hispanic descent, BTW) How are you?

Him: I'm cansado.

Me: Wow. That makes me... triste.

Just awkward all around.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

The Onion

This has to be one of my more favorite titles from The Onion:

Dog Befriends Roomba


I freaking love peanut M&M's.

What The...

"Waaaaaaaaait a minute Tempy. You have a building pass, a new email and you've been at this place like, forever. What's going on? Why am I getting the feeling that you're all Permy and s@#t?"

Well kids, looks like the rumors are true. No, not the ones about Sanjaya's sister (mind out of the gutter, Patientboy!), but all that buzz about this company giving me an "offer". Well, they did. And I will be taking it.

"But Tempy! Does that mean you have to change your name?"

No, it's not a marriage, it's just a job. And I've said this before people: Feeling Tempy is a state of mind. Plus I just rolled out an entire line of clothing. I'll always be one goddamn shiny object away from quitting at any moment. I just get benefits and a heftier salary to sit on.

"What about Bartron?"

Yeah, I will have to quit the restaurant. If any of them read this blog like I'd asked them to, they'd have a heads up before tonight. But, oh well.

"What was that thing about Sanjaya's sister?"


I will remain your humble servant, Tempy.

I'm Getting A Tuna Roll

Ring ring

Me: "Hello, -------------"

Restaurant: "Hi, we're out of California roll. You want tuna?"

Me: "Uh, do you have Philadelphia roll?"

R: "No. But we do have tuna."

Me: "How about a cucumber roll?"

R: "Maybe. But if not do you want something else?"

Me: "Like a tuna roll."

R: "Yeah."

It's One Of Those Days

Oh, hahahhaha! How cute! That dog is eating that ribbon! Ho ho ho! When my dog did that I was pulling it out of his butt for days! He could have seriously twisted his intestines! Luckily he didn't die! Hahahhahahahhahahaha!

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

If You Were Stranded On A Desert Isle

Look honey, I bought you a sandbar.

Check Your Neighbors

I am saddened by the events at Virginia Tech for obvious reasons, but what really gets me is that this kid had a major history of mental problems. It seems it's always the case- they were a "loner" or "odd" or had days previously "bought an inordinate amount of firearms".

So, can we please take a look around and just note who out there is about to snap? I'll go first- my superintendent's girlfriend. She almost burned down the building twice. She's a paranoid schizophrenic but my super says she's just "autistic" because she likes to "put things in piles" for "hours on end".

Luckily she's being supervised but still...

TV Part Deux

Hey there mid level TV producer, it's me, Tempy.

How many phone calls did I get from you? How many times did you call during my boss's flight while it was in mid-air yesterday asking me "If she landed yet"? Guess what, we all just watched the segment.

Two minutes? Really? All that for a two minute segment.

Call me when you have a two hour retrospective. Then we'll talk.

It's About Time

Finally. A fortune that speaks to me.


Hey, I got an idea, mid-level TV producer of a dinky news cable show that no one watches anyway- if my boss says she'll show up to be a commentator, she'll show up. Don't cry to me because she didn't reply to your email this morning.

I've got a yogurt parfait to eat.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

I'd Take a Step Back, Children

Watch as Coco...totally loses his mind.

Yes kids, he will start flinging something in your general direction.

The Landlord

This is the funniest thing ever. It's a recently released short video Will Ferrill made with his friend...and his friend's 2 year old daughter.


This just happened:

Me (to guy in the office behind me): Wow. Nice champagne. Who bought you that?

Him: Well, it was my birthday, so my driver gave it to me.

Me: Thank goodness he's not drinking it!

Us: Hahahaha.

(five minutes of silence)

Him: Hey, [Tempy]?

Me: Yeah?

Him: Do you like champagne?

Me: Uh, yeah?

Him: Here you go. You can have it.

Me: Really?

Him: Yeah, I don't like champagne.

Holy smokes. It's a Möet & Chandon, people. With rhinestones on the bottle like this:

Nothing screams class like a bedazzled bottle of bubbly.

Daily Fortune

And now, your leftover fortune cookie fortune of the day:

Really makes you think. About what, I don't know. God I love smiley faces.

Of Mice and Movies

First off, they found two dead mice in this guy's office. The janitors came up to inspect the smell and instead of finding one they found two. It's kind of like when you are pregnant and then you find out you are having twins, except you're not pregnant and you have a mouse problem. It's just like that.

So second, I saw this really crappy movie last night. It's called The Perfect Man and it stars Hilary Duff and Heather Locklear. I learned three things: Heather Locklear is actually a really good actress, Hilary Duff is still the Anti-Christ and when introducing a younger-sibling character into the plot, it's okay to put coke-bottle thick Jerry Maguire Kid glasses on the child as long as it's a boy. This poor seven year old girl had to spend the whole movie looking like an androgynous toad. Or maybe the kid really is legally blind, I don't know.

Anyway, the "plot", loosely based on the excellent film Mermaids, centers around this girl whose mom always moves whenever she gets her heart broken which is apparently quite often. She's a baker so there's job openings everywhere. This is how the movie starts:

Hilary Duff (in an ugly prom dress): "Gosh I can't believe I'm going to my first dance next week. I've never stayed at a place long enough to go to a dance. My mom moves around a lot."

Disposable Rent-A-Friend: "Yeah. I'm happy we became such close friends."

If you have seen even one movie in your life you know she never makes it to that dance. So the mom packs up and they move to Park Slope for the exterior shots, but live in Brooklyn Heights and the girls go to school on a sound stage in New Jersey. Hilary Duff meets her new best friend, an ambiguously Puerto Rican white girl with a Long Island accent, and together they try to find her mom a man so Duff can stay in Brooklyn with her new best friend. Brooklyn girl's hot uncle who owns a restaurant but does not have a coke habit gives them advice about men and together they create the "Perfect Man" as a secret admirer for her mom. If Anthony Michael Hall were in this you can bet he'd actually make a man out of his science kit, but we're not in the 80's, people.

So the girls make all this up, take a picture of the Uncle and send it to her mom along with love letters and emails. Things get really creepy when Duff's teenage love interest helps by calling her mom in his "older guy voice" and professing his love when really he is falling in love with Duff. The plot takes a turn for the criminal when Heather Locklear and said teenage boy actually start IMing each other and turns downright Southern when Duff and Locklear have a creepy sexual IM conversation. All under the guise that she is the guy who owns the restaurant.

Hey, I have an idea. Couldn't this have been avoided if the ambiguously Puerto Rican white girl would have just mentioned that her uncle actually is single? Whoops. Hilary Duff crashes a wedding that he's catered, thinking he is the groom. That just came out of nowhere.

I won't tell you how this movie ends. If you ask, I'll have to relocate.

Monday, April 16, 2007

Well, What The...

Wow! This kitchen is sure a mess after that major delivery! Whoa, people sure did go through this like crazy! I wonder who' s supposed to clean this...oh wait. I am the office manager.

My Fortune Cookie

My first fortune cookie told me today what a great leader I am. Then I opened the second one:

Oh boy, bring it on, Jon Stewart. Bring it.

I May Have Been Born During The Day...

But I wasn't born yesterday.

Case in point: There's this neighborhood "scam artist" (although I wouldn't really call what he does an art) whose gig is this: Go to a bar/restaurant, ask for something, give the bartender a $20, and after they ring it in he "changes his mind". Then they give him back the $20 and when they turn around, he produces a $1 and says, "I gave you $20".

It's really obvious and really annoying. It also usually works if it's crazy busy and you've never experienced this scam before.

The guy came into my establishment yesterday and tried the same thing. Now,

a. I know who you are
b. I know what you are doing
c. It's a nor'easter outside and not that busy (although surprisingly, kinda busy)
d. My tall boss is standing behind you with his arms folded.

So when he "changed his mind" about the order, I put the $20 down and me and my boss stood there and stared at him. He just kept waiting for us to turn around. I even went so far as to say, "So, yup. There's your $20." Finally the guy left.

That doesn't change the fact that a different Captain Creepypants stayed all night ogling the ladies.

Metaphorically Speaking

My mother sent me this list compiled by teachers across the country of the worst/most amusing metaphors and analogies from their high school student's essays. Here are some of my favorites:

1. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

2. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

3. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

4. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

5. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

6. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

7. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each otherlike two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. Traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. At a speed of 35 mph.

8. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

9. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

10. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

11. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

12. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

13. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

And, my favorite:

14. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

Friday, April 13, 2007

What Has Two Thumbs And Is Leaving Work 1/2 Hour Early?

This gal.

Poll Results

Well, you asked for it:

Jesus' Blog

Oh, Me. It’s been one of those days. I know I have a LOT of work to do but it’s Friday and I just want to go out dancing with my friends. It’s been a while since I’ve really let my hair down, you know?

Laina hasn’t called yet. I left her like, two texts and one message and now I sound like a freaking stalker. Not only that but Steve and the guys won’t stop teasing me about last night’s pickup game. I’ve never been good at basketball. Swimming’s different.

Sometimes, I just want to go back to carpentry.

And Now, Poll Time

Whose blog would you be most interested in reading?

Someone Call CTU

Did you ever see that episode of 24 when the nerve gas is released in the office and almost everyone dies so the key players take cover in the main office? The building I'm in is cleaning out their sewers or something and now the entire building reeks like rotten eggs. Half the people have left, the other few are seeking solace in offices.

Pray for me. I'm so lightheaded.

Who Let The Ugly Out?

So the preacher's wife in Tennessee who admitted to killing her husband is quoted as saying, "My ugly came out".

I'll bet you a million dollars she also still calls penises "wee wee's".


I'll give $10 to the first person who guesses what's new about my blog.

This post doesn't count.

A Must See

Hello everyone. This video is an oldie but goldie. It's from an episode of the British children's TV show called "Rainbow". This infamous installment here was made specifically for the adults at the network and never intended to air. (Of course it did, but in prime time). It's... priceless.


I am seriously considering ordering from a place called Burger Heaven today. I am craving a burger but I don't know what place around here has the best, so I went with the title. Does anyone know anything about Burger Heaven? Suggestions are welcome.

Also, I'm not sure if that's the best idea as tonight I know I will be eating a dish with beef in it so maybe I should hold off on the burger. I'm just craving meat.

And if anyone had any doubt in their mind, yes, today is chilly and mild with a drizzle of Sexual Innuendo Day...

It Felt Okay On The Outside

I picked the wrong avocado this morning.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Ugly Tempy

Can we please stop writing articles about how America Ferrara from the TV show "Ugly Betty" is actually like, really pretty? Even if she is "a bit bigger"? Can we really stop? I'm so sick of all this. Everywhere I look Ferrara is being lauded and honored about playing an "ugly" character when she herself is "really happy with herself" and "her body".

Just... stop.

The Kingdom of Klowns

Hey, what's worse than having a clown come to your home?

Having a religious clown delivered with the purpose of entertaining you with stories of the lord!

Check out what Jesus loving clowns Merry and Happy Heart have to offer you:

"Merry and Happy Heart have performed shows since 1990. A show all about CREATION, starts right at the beginning in Genesis 1:1 and Our biblically based THE FRUITS OF THE SPIRIT show has character building messages. Clown shows have lots of audience interaction and participation."

From a satisfied parent:

"Our children were tremendously pleased with your presentations , and we believe that God will use this event in a very real way to touch our community. We love you so much and pray God's blessing and success on your ministry, knowing that this is indeed a very beneficial way of sharing the Gospel and touching lives eternally. Phil"

And here I thought clowns were the spawn of Satan. Who knew.


So tonight while all of my co-workers get to play celebrity poker with a bunch of rich people for a benefit for a famous person, I will be joining a focus group about bartenders for $100.

They keep calling to make sure I can still make it as the rain is screwing everyone up. What they don't know is I live two blocks away from their offices. Which is conveniently about two doors down from a bar. I'll have $100 burning a hole in my pocket, who's with me?!

Oh, That's Too Bad

Okay. See, I thought I ordered lasagna for lunch; not a big stinking pile of sauce and cheese covering one wavy strand of pasta.

My bad.

Yes, I took a picture of it.


How cool is this? Did I mention I got a camera phone?

The first look inside the life of... Tempy...

Men Always Take So Long In The Bathroom

CNN just reported that an air traffic controller left planes delayed for takeoff and landing while he went on an 18 minute bathroom break. According to the article:

"He provided CNN with an FAA 'traffic management log' indicating an 18-minute lapse during a 'bathroom break'."

Yeah, I'll bet you he left a traffic management log.

You can read the whole article here. Pay close attention to the fact that there were human lungs on board for a transplant.


Did you know that when it rains the New York subway system grinds to a screeching halt? Turns out they made the original subway cars out of paper mache. They just don't work in the rain. That is why it took me an hour and a half and four trains to get here. That's twice the time and three more trains than I usually take.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Love Your Bag

Thanks to my friend Jonah, not to be confused with JONAH, I have found a picture of the bag that represents how I feel sometimes.


A nap, a nap. My kingdom for a nap.

I Like Nuts

Seriously, these investors or something want to buy us lunch tomorrow so we had to choose from this fancy Chinese restaurant. I ordered this:

Chicken with Three Different Nuts
-- $15.95 Chicken breast garnished with water chestnuts, bamboo shoots and snow peas; cooked in a brown sauce with sauteed walnuts, peanuts and cashew nuts.

Mmmmmmmmmm. Did I mention the nuts are different? So much better than that "Chicken With Three Nuts" entree that only came with three cashews.

Clearly someone got lazy with naming this dish. Can anyone do any better? "Nutty Chicken"?


In my research for the spost about the wacky Brer Rabbit adventures, I came across a character from the book: Aunt Tempy. This is not a joke. She was also a character in Disney's Song of the South played by actress Hattie McDaniel, also known as "Mammy" from Gone With the Wind.

From the book:

"It was not many nights before the same company was gathered in Uncle Remus's cabin, -- Daddy Jack, Aunt Tempy, and the little boy. The conversation took a turn that thrilled the child with mingled fear and curiosity. Uncle Remus had inquired as to the state of Aunt Tempy's health..."

It goes on and on. You'll just have to trust me.

John McCain. Racist.

What with all the talk in the media about people making racist remarks, (guess what- it's been going on for a long time), the media's latest coverage about John McCain has hit an all time low. I was reading on my friend's blog that McCain recently referred to something as a "tar baby" situation. For those of you who had disturbing stories read to them as a child, it's a reference to the tale of Brer Rabbit. See, according to the story, Brer Fox and Brer Bear dress up a doll out of tar and turpentine and set it up where Brer Rabbit will see it. I forget if it's a joke or a trap but regardless, Brer Rabbit walks by and said hi to the doll. Of course the doll didn't say hi back. It pissed off Brer Rabbit and long story short, Brer Rabbit gave it a hug and he got all tangled in the tar. Hence the phrase, "hugging the tar baby".

Now this is where things get sticky (get it)? Somewhere along the way the term "tar baby" got associated with negative racial connotations, so whenever someone references it as McCain did, people get their undies in a bundle. But what I find ironic is that everyone forgets John McCain adopted a baby from Bangladesh whom political rivals have affectionately referred to as his "illegitimate black child". I just don't know what's worse, that, or the fact that people are now insinuating that he's a big fat racist. I mean, I'm not saying he's not. Maybe he hates his daughter.

I have a headache. I need a Peppermint Patty.

Morning Talk

This just happened:

I am talking with the CFO and a Trader about a document I am editing.

CFO: Man, I need coffee.

Me: Me too.

Trader: Yeah. So, shall we change the name to --- or to ---?

CFO: Well, it depends on the context of the document.

Trader: But if I make a notation here to change it to --- then when we refer to --- and --- it sounds redundant as the names are so familiar.

Me: I'm confused. Are you changing the name to --- or ---?

CFO: Well, we're changing it to --- but we haven't put it into effect until --- so it's not valid here and here.

Trader: Oh, I'm changing those charts. But what about these long sentences?

Me: Wait, will you be denoting the names for me?

Trader: Yes, but I don't know what the new name is.

CFO: Shit, I have to go to the post office today.

Me: I have an idea. How about I make coffee and we go from there?

CFO: Sounds good.


I'm pretty sure this has been passed all over the internet but sometimes I'm the last to know. It only took me 6 years to hop on the "Peanut Butter Jelly Time" bandwagon.

This photo was recently brought to my attention.

What a fashion faux-pas! I mean, who wears a white shirt with a white hat? I'm glad someone took a picture of this woman.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

It's Happened

You know you want one...

Go here.


Guys, c'mon. Tempy would never abandon you. I was just too busy finding pictures of this Great Dane puppy.

For those of you unfamiliar with this magnificent breed, according to Wikipedia, the Great Dane was developed from the medieval boarhound. In Old Norse (ON) and Old English (OE) the male is always referred to as ”Hund” (in etymology from "the Hunt/Hunter”) and the female as "grey/grig”. This division can still be seen in the hunting protocols from the Royal Kennels of the Royal Court of Denmark year 1710-36. Thus in Norse and Old English literature, specifically the compilation of sagas known as Elder Edda (Poetic Edda), the hound is named in variations over these words, for example ”hvndar” and ”greyiom” ( Skírnismál , verse 11, Elder Edda) "mjóhundr/myo hwnd/mjøhund, meaning "slender hound" or sighthound (Scanian Law from 1200/1250)The large hound, alongside the horse and the raven, is holy to the kings of Denmark and England.

Look how regal, how grand...

How... oh, whoops. Sorry, spoke too soon.

Cute or Just Weird?

After the excitingly heated comments exchange the last photo inspired (thanks guys!) I decided to cleanse the palate with this cute yet disturbing photo of a swan following a pedal boat:

From CNN.com: "A swan named Petra swims behind a swan-shaped pedal boat March 28 on the Aasee lake in Muenster, Germany. In spring 2006, Petra fell for the pedal boat, never leaving its side and spending time with it at Muenster's zoo. Both were brought back to the Aasee, where the romance began."

Awww. It's like those girls who stick around with guys who are emotionally unavailable. You go, girl.



Damn You Fresh Direct

We just got a huge snack delivery for the office. Here's a short list of a few of the highlights:

Nutri Grain Bars
Life Cereal
Special K Cereal and Cereal Bars
Peanut M&M's
Hot Tamales
Vanilla Finger Cookies
Bakes Apple Chips
Milky Way
Hershey Bars
Peppermint Patties
Chips Ahoy
Fruit Loops

I could go on and on, people.

For me, the list stops at Peppermint Patties.

Call Me Sleepy

Thanks to 1 1/2 gin martinis and an episode of 24, I couldn't sleep and when I could, I had weird terrorist dreams. But the terrorists smelled of juniper berries and I was awful thirsty.

Yes, another baffling episode of 24 was on last night and for those of you as confused by this season as I am, I refer you again to the official 24 forum site, uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh.blogspot.com.

Not that the whole Sanjaya thing isn't weirding me out too. Why Fox 5, why? You were so much easier to handle when you were just right wing fascist buffoonery. Now I'm really confused.

Monday, April 09, 2007


It has just occurred to me that I have been typing for so long in my life that my handwriting is beyond abysmal. I need to go back to elementary school. Then again, my handwriting has always sucked.

There Once Was A Lady Named Tempy

A few years ago I got a very precious book as a gift- it was a large collection of old dirty limericks. And when I say old, I mean Olde. Like, with an e.

My favorite thing to do as Bartron was to read aloud from said book at the bar with my friends and partons. Those days are Ye Olde Long Gone but Tempy found this site recently with a comprehensive listing of many kinds of limericks. Here's a take on one that was in the book:

There once was a lady named Lucky,
Who used dynamite to give herself fucky.
They found her vagina
in North Carolina,
And one of her tits in Kentucky.

I mean, that is classic dirty limerick.

So, enjoy. And if the mood strikes, feel free to post one here in the comments section. It doesn't have to be dirty.

I'll go first.

She sits at a desk of fine maple
With a look so serene it's near Papal
Tempy puts up a guise
Ordering personal supplies
From the corporate account with Staples

I'm An Adult

"Yes sir, Miss Dickstein is here to see you."


What's that Tempy? Sushi? Two days in a row? Yeah, that's how I spicy tuna roll.


It's Not Just Funny Because It's Two Guys Skating But That Has A Lot To Do With It

Will Ferrell could read my tax return aloud and I'd pay to see it. This weekend I saw his new movie Blades of Glory with my mother and it was exactly what I wanted. Typical Ferrell humor where often times your disbelief has to be suspended so high that you're sick from the altitude. But sick in that lightheaded, man I just want to keep giggling and yet I'm not stoned kind of way.

It's definitely a rental, but if you see it in the theaters I hope you enjoy the drunk Wizard-On-Ice scene as much as I did. Who knew vomit in an Ice Capades-esque costume head could be so funny?

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Hey Tempy!

Where you at, Tempy? Why you gotta be like that?

Well kids, I've been busy. But everything is good. I mean, how hard could it be to write out $20,000 worth of grants and donations, RSVP to rich people's events and figure out whose job it is to order the Hot Tamales?

By the way, it's not my job to order the Hot Tamales. Just the milk.

I Am Sick Again

Why is there a picture of Sanjaya's sister naked with a guitar on the internet? This is why I strictly keep all photos of me playing instruments in the buff in a secure lockbox in a bank at an undisclosed location.

An Open Letter

Dear Passengers of the Rather Empty F Train This Morning at 7:48 am,

There were a lot of seat choices, people. It's not like it was a packed train and that was the only seat available. I am fully aware that when there is only one seat, as is the case with an empty car, there is something wrong with it.

But this morning was different. I had many seats to choose from, and I chose the one near you, gentrified couple and old Russian man. Not once, ONCE as I slowly knelt to sit down did any one of you tell me that there was a huge puddle of water in the middle of it. Not a single one of you. Instead you all looked away, uncomfortable.

So when I got up and gave you all the evil Condi Rice stink-eye, you shrunk even further. I'm glad you are ashamed of yourselves. Yeah, I'm the one who stared you down, brushed myself off and declared, "fabulous," as I walked away to the other end of the train where I was welcomed with open arms and a dry seat. Shame on you, insensitive train people. Shame on you indeed.

I'd like to take this time to thank the Asian woman who did not flinch as I sat down next to her and spun my skirt around so the wet spot could dry. Thank you Duane Reade for being there as I purchased new panty hose and thank you ladies room for allowing me to change out of my wet underwear and stockings with great privacy and ease. Thank you.

And now, I'm not wearing underwear.

Wednesday, April 04, 2007


Here's a conversation between me and the security guards downstairs.

Me: Hey guys. Um, I'm going to be here for a while, so I will need a building pass.

Them: No you don't.

Me: Well, I'm a...

Them: You're a temp, right?

Me: Oh, yes, but I'm also the temporary office manager so as office manager I will need to get myself a pass to the building.

Them: No you aren't.

Me: I know you are but what am I?

Them: I'm rubber and you're glue. Whatever you say won't get you a building pass.

No, that last part didn't really happen. So instead of getting a building pass, I now walk through security without getting stopped or signing in. So... in a way I have a... building pass?

What The F@#K Did Knut Do Anyway?

That fucktard baby polar bear Knut is famous for a. being saved by a zoo after his parents left him for dead and b. being stupidly cute. But today mother nature sent us a real superstar. This coyote:

Not only did this thing manage not to piss his parents off, thereby successfully growing up in the wild, but today he was feeling a bit hot so he sauntered into a Quiznos sandwich shop in Chicago and sat down in the cooler with all the vitamin water. He's just copping a squat yo.

Sure, I Know How to Reconcile on Quicken

Now if you excuse me, I'll be on the phone with my office-expert friend who basically took the temp agency's skills assessment test for me.

I'm now a reconciling queen. Except I still don't know where that extra $10,000 dollars came from. Whatevs, it's better than being under.

Trains, Pains and Eyebrows

I, Tempy, was already having a bad day yesterday. So when my train going downtown pulled into the 47th street station just as a man threw himself in front of the incoming uptown train, it kind of tipped me over the edge (seriously no pun intended). I didn't see it but I heard all these screams as the train pulled in. Then my conductor ran out and said, "A man just threw himself in front of the tracks!" She then went back in her booth and said into the intercom, "Next stop, 42nd street."

I can be flippant about this because it turns out the man is okay. But that doesn't change the fact that it was pretty fucked up.

In an unrelated thought, I think American Idol's Sanjaya's eyebrows are getting bigger each week.

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Holy Zamboni!

A Zamboni driver who was arrested on drunk driving charges for operating a Zamboni machine on the ice while intoxicated had the charges dropped as a Zamboni machine is not in the same class as a motor vehicle on the road.

But here is his side of the story according to CNN.com:

"Peragallo, 64, testified at his trial that he did drink beer and vodka, but not until after he had groomed the ice. However, he told police he had a shot of Sambuca with his breakfast coffee and two Valium-pills before work."

On a side note, I have just found my new best friend.


Yeah, I just downloaded the newest version of Shockwave so I could play free online roulette on the computer. What of it?

Anyone want to go to Atlantic City with me?

I Just Threw Up In My Mouth!

Hey! This goes out to all those people who have ever said to me, "Wow! I really want to be an actor!"

Well when you do what people like me do, you have to invariably look through crappy casting notice after crappy casting notice. Here's one I came across today that actually made me sick. Enjoy!


Peanut Butter Touring Company, in conjunction with The Music Theatre of Connecticut, is casting Apples and Kisses and Shoes, a fast-paced, high energy children's show. S. Wilson, dir. Rehearsals will be minimal, in the evenings or on the weekends in NYC. Performance will be April 27 in CT.

Seeking—Two Men and Two Women: early 20s to mid-30s, any ethnicity, the actors will need to sing, move well, and act multiple characters along with improvising with the children. Note: it's over the top and animated; if you're a "big kid" submit."

Apples and Kisses and Shoes... I'd take Lions and Tigers and Bears any day of the week. And not even those cute baby bears like that German polar bear Knut. I'm talking mean, hungry pissed off bears. Like Knut will be when he realizes his existence is a sham.

Not this:

But this:


A bag of Low Fat Mini Munchies in the pantry has a huge tag at the top of it that says, "Hey! Read my label!" Um, aren't I already?

I'll Take Another Holiday for $1000, Alex

The great thing about working for a company that is predominantly Jewish is all those holidays. Did you know that yesterday was the first day of Passover? I guess a lot of people are leaving the office early. Anyone got a Seder for me? Anyone? I'll bring the brisket.

Monday, April 02, 2007

Don't Kill The Messenger

Oh, dear sweet lord baby Jesus, please don't let anyone mug me in Times Square as I deliver the $1,000,000.00 check in my bag to my boss.

That's Nuts

When I bartended in a place known to some as "The Vortex" (not to be confused by the S&M club "The Vault" which also shall not be confused with the company, "Vault" where many of my friends have worked), we would find fun things to do to get through the hourly grind of drink slinging and shot chugging. One of our favorite games was to give the other person a word and that person had to use it in a sentence with a customer within five minutes. Like, I'd tell my co-worker, "Your word is caterwaul". Next thing you know, s/he would be overheard saying to a customer, "Man, these chicks at this bachelorette party last night? So, loud, just caterwauling all night."

Let's try this in the office, shall we? Today's word of the day: Zany.


True or False?

Hey guys, time for a game! Let's play true or false. Just answer True or False to the following questions!

1. I am trying to hook up my cubicle neighbor with my male friends.

2. I addressed a document to the Internal Revenue Service "International Revenue Service". Twice.

3. The phone has been ringing off the hook all day.

4. I have not eaten since 9:30.

5. Someone in the office gave me a percocet.

Guess away!


I just ordered milk for everyone in the office. What a nurturing thing to do. I was told that every Monday, that is my duty to provide milk. I call some number, tell them how many quarts I want and then 5 minutes later a young man arrives with said milk. Aaaah, the miracle of life.

I hope they appreciate this milk with the understanding that I am still a bit sick. All weekend Tempy fought fevers, aches, coughs and a temporary loss of vocal chords. Because of this, Bartron had to take off one night. So Tempy's first official night off was spent coughing, cursing and watching the I Love New York clip show.

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