A day by day and often hourly account of a temp

Friday, July 31, 2009

This Is Terrible

Hmmm. There are so many things wrong with this I don't even know where to start. Maybe it's the fact that a pedophile in mom jeans has his own show and I can barely get an audition these days. Or maybe it's Rasta, the chicken. You tell me.

It's Only Money

I took my dog to the vet yesterday and he has multiple things that could be wrong with him. I'm so glad that a blood test is only $230. I mean, really. For that kind of money I could take him out to a fancy dinner and still have money left over for a cab. Jeez. I'll keep you guys posted. Until then, please enjoy this powerful photo of James Van Der Beek. For those of you who don't know him, he's the guy on Dawson's Creek who thought his career would take off after the show.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Number 2

I couldn't care less about the Governor of California smoking pot in an old picture. But does anyone else find it remotely disturbing that his shirt says "Arnold is numero uno"? Yeah, me too.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Molto Interessante!

So I got a comment from an Italian blogger who thought I was serious about the Kenyan "news article" that claimed Barack Obama's birthplace is in Kenya (which I am). It was cute that he wrote to me, so I checked out his blog- with Google translation, of course... Here's the title:

"Il titolo del blog è un invito ad usare la propria testa sempre. The title of the blog is an invitation to use his head forever. A capire. To understand. A non delegare. A does not delegate. This blog will try to do anything with those who read or at least write what I think."

Here is his latest post. I think, though I may be wrong, that the "Washer State" and "Washing Machine" means Washington...

"Washer state to forward gentlemen!
Today, the chamber approved the decree-law and anti womb to the tax shield. Masked behind this definition, there is something reassuring that it is not at all.

With the tax shield will ensure that the funds that have been exported, because coming from illegal activities, and therefore not taxed under the tax regime to which all of us honest workers are submitted, they can easily and legally get back home, leaving 5% of sum to the bank that acts as a debt collector and then transfers them to the State.

Those same funds that, when produced legally in Italy would have been taxed at 50% to me is that you fall in Italy provided that the mafiosicammorristindgranghetisti leave some crumbs fall from his pocket, that ever bowed Tremonti will collect from the ground.

First the Americans maintain a minimum equity level but only a mathematical fact that the capital will fall will be taxed at the same rate which would have been taxed at home (this however does not justify the operation the way in which it was earned) with a obligation to report the name and surname of the person requesting the return of capital. In Italy it will be done in an anonymous and a discounted rate. This has only one name: money!

'Next lords the washing machine state is open, affordable and guaranteed success of the smart!'"

Mmmm Tea

For those of you that don't know, CNN's Lou Dobbs recently called MSNBC's Rachel Maddow a "Teabagging Queen". I have no idea what that means other than the obvious.

So today a friend tagged me in one of those "Name 15 books you've read that you love" or something notes on Facebook. Here are mine:

1. Teabagging Queen
2. The Baggage of the Tea Queen
3. Queenbag Tea
4. Bagging the Queen tea
5. Queen Bag of Tea... Read More
6. A Million Little Teabags
7. The Color Teabag
8. War and Peace and Teabag Queens
9. A Queen Grows in Brooklyn Tea
10. Teas Are From Queens, Bags Are From Venus
11. The Teabagger Queen
12. The Holy Teabag, The Queen Testament
13. Who Moved My Teabag?
14. Lord of The Teabags
15. Catcher in the Queen Tea

Beyond Healthcare Reform

An Open Letter About Socialized Medicine By A Fit Conservative

"Hey guys! So listen, I know there's a whole lotta hoopla about this whole healthcare debacle and I think you're missing the larger picture here. If we even think about letting this pass, you should kiss your freedom goodbye! But what's worse is government already runs way too many things in our life anyway and it shouldn't stop with this issue. Which is why I propose that we de-socialize the police department.

Hear me out: I don't want the government telling me which cop gets dispatched to the scene of an accident or possible break in, like when that professor guy from Harvard found his own chauffeur trying to knock down his door. I want to know that officer O'Sullivan will be there, not some rookie I've never heard of. In a situation as serious as a neighborhood kid TPing my lawn, Officer O'Sullivan knows me already and will, in most cases, even know the punk teenager!

Now, I know what you're going to say- who pays for all this? Well as Americans, we do. But you get to choose the right police program for you. I'm blessed by the Lord to have excellent work values, and as such I am what you would call 'upper middle class'. Why shouldn't I get the policeman I worked so hard for all my life? If I want to have someone on call at all hours of the night and I can afford it, I deserve it. I have a family for chrissakes. You don't hate family, do you?

Now before we get our knickers in a pinch about all the poor folk out there, let me just make one thing clear- of COURSE the police will take care of you. There will be a system if you find yourself unemployed that, much like welfare, will assign you a precinct for a few weeks until you get back on your feet. But if you choose not to work and make a living, you can organize a neighborhood watch or buy some guns. You will always have the right to defend yourself, by gum! This IS America!

So in conclusion, I can't even THINK about socializing healthcare when I watch my hard earned dollars drift away so some lazy lady thinks she'll be protected by the po-po unconditionally no matter how late she chooses to walk home. Heck, no. I work too hard to take care of everybody. It's about time you learn how to take care of yourselves!"

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

So Sad!

OMG you guys!!! I have proof that Barack Obama wasn't born here! No way!!! Click on for a larger view:

Politicoo Coo

Palin4Pres2012 (11:39:41 AM): hello anybody there?

Palin4Pres2012 (11:39:46 AM): hello

Palin4Pres2012 (11:39:58 AM): Yoor all hidin'!?

Palin4Pres2012 (11:40:25 AM): Ha ha!

Palin4Pres2012 (11:40:40 AM): hello

Palin4Pres2012 (1:01:29 PM): quiet on the IM's this morning!

Palin4Pres2012 (1:01:37 PM): Maybe the MEDIA's gotten all quiet cuz they have no one else to make fun of!

Palin4Pres2012 (1:01:43 PM): LOL

Palin4Pres2012 (1:01:45 PM): Slow day

Palin4Pres2012 (1:02:04 PM): I got time to tweet

Palin4Pres2012 (1:02:05 PM): if u want to check out my Twitter

Palin4Pres2012 (1:02:08 PM): tweet tweet!

ObamasAForeigner_PBuchanan logged on at 1:02:09 PM

Palin4Pres2012 (1:02:16 PM): Pat Buchanan that you? Haaaaaaaaay!

ObamasAForeigner_PBuchanan logged off at 1:02:18 PM

Palin4Pres2012 (1:02:25 PM): aw yooor sooooo bizee!

Palin4Pres2012 (1:02:25 PM): Sorry we can't catch up!

Palin4Pres2012 (1:02:31 PM): good chattin with ya!

Palin4Pres2012 (2:06:29 PM): so

Palin4Pres2012 (2:06:35 PM): yes

Palin4Pres2012 (2:06:35 PM): maybe it’s a Jewish holiday

Palin4Pres2012 (2:06:38 PM): haha!

Palin4Pres2012 (2:06:40 PM): its funny cuz there's no Jews in govt

Palin4Pres2012 (2:06:45 PM): oh that Al Franken's jewish

Palin4Pres2012 (2:06:48 PM): he's funny

Palin4Pres2012 (2:06:51 PM): "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough… to be a troop-hatin' Jew!"

Palin4Pres2012 (2:06:57 PM): hmmmmmmmmmm

Palin4Pres2012 (2:07:00 PM): ok gotta go work on my book!

Palin4Pres2012 (2:07:19 PM): can't be getting distracted when someone loggs on

Palin4Pres2012 (2:07:49 PM): gotta work!

Palin4Pres2012 (2:07:54 PM): like everyone else

Palin4Pres2012 (2:07:59 PM): all those journalists!

Palin4Pres2012 (2:08:38 PM): makin' stuff up

Palin4Pres2012 (2:09:12 PM):

Palin4Pres2012 (2:09:19 PM):

Palin4Pres2012 (2:09:22 PM): do I have any ice cream?

Palin4Pres2012 (2:09:26 PM): gotta check tha fridge

Palin4Pres2012 (2:09:29 PM): ok gotta sign out

Palin4Pres2012 (2:09:34 PM): byee!!!

Palin4Pres2012 (2:09:50 PM):

Palin4Pres2012 (2:09:56 PM):

Monday, July 27, 2009

This Lady is Pretty Awesome

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the future of America. Some choice quotes from this woman's speech to the city council:

"On the East Coast, they have slaves, and believe in slavery, and made in China."

"The food is free, you just have to pay the farmers and pay for the land."

"Fruit trees and vegetable trees. That's where the fruits and vegetables are from."

So Relaxing

Sooooo I was in the country this weekend which was AMAZING until I was woken up Friday night by a strange noise. It honestly sounded like a baby seal getting its soul sucked out, amplified through a bullhorn with reverb, I'm not joking. It was outside my window and I'm not the only one who heard it. The next night it happened again, and after much research we decided it could have been one of several things:

a. A male mockingbird in heat

b. A fox or owl or raccoon

c. A baby seal getting its soul sucked out while amplified through a bullhorn with reverb

Friday, July 24, 2009

Handy Things

Have a great weekend.

Ugh No

Do not I repeat do NOT watch this is if you are female and don't want to be embarassed by fellow lady kind. This is a sneak peek of that new Twihard movie taken at this week's ComicCon. You can hear the crowd reacting to every time a guy takes off his shirt which is, invariably, often. Personally I was taking a shot of vanilla extract every time that girl attempts to act herself out of that wet paper bag she's starring in. Needless to say I'm wasted.

They're Born To Be Wild

Direct (and grammatically incorrect) quote from the birthers.org website: "Question: If Obama is removed won’t the African-Americans will riot?" Uh... Maybe this is less about nationalism and more about a bunch of scared bigots with too much airtime?

Thursday, July 23, 2009

I Feel Like That Wolf

I just took two Advil Cold and Sinus from a co-worker, and it was dusted with white film from the bottle that was also filled with oxycontin. Well, this should be interesting.

Dances With... Ah

I just don't know what to say about this. This is a guy who has lived with wolves for 18 years to study them. Yes, study them. Why he couldn't have just rented Dances With Wolves is beyond me- that movie feels like its 18 years long.

Anyway, he claims to know how to talk to them. This is an incredible video of him teaching a young wolf how to howl. Warning: This video is extra weird.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

MTA Response

Dunno, it wasn't a real apology.

Freaking Idiots

You know what, f@#kers? Even if Barack Obama wasn't born in this country (which he was), he's doing a better job running the place than the last guy born here. Now can we please talk about healthcare?

My Subway

Click on for a larger view.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009


Is it just me or is this kitten ugly?

I Want To Be In This

Yes! This is the worst ending of a movie ever, if you don't count Grease where the car flies Travolta and Olivia Newton-John over a cliff. They cut out the cliff part in post. Anyway, enjoy.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Angry Bunny

"Stay the f@#k away from me or I'll @#$%# you in the $#@#$#$#^%$%%#$."

I Kill Plants

I don't know what's wrong with me but every time I plant-sit I commit mass herbicide. Either I put too much water or too little, I don't talk to them when they need it, or maybe because of a general overall malaise inducing attitude, the plants invariably whither and die. Or slump, or turn odd shades. I swear I don't do it on purpose- I followed all of my friend's detailed instructions but now I feel I must send her a precautionary email like, "Remember when I said I'd go to your house every 3 days and water the plants? Well..."

I'm great with children and animals. You put them in my care, they blossom and thrive. Plants, not so much. This isn't the first time it's happened. It makes me feel just that much more guilty for borrowing her People magazine when I checked the mail.

I did manage to wipe the floor down when I sloshed water all over the place even though she told me, "The only thing I'm like, really particular about, are my wooden floors."

Oops. In other news, I'm so glad Jon Gosselin waited a whole 20 days after his divorce to start dating - I know people that can rival that. Congrats on your independence, Jon!

Friday, July 17, 2009

Mine Goes Up To Eleven

Woman In My Office Who Hates Everything: I swear, [co-worker] is high up on my top 10 shit list of people here.

Me: But there's like, only 10 people here.

WIMOWHE: I know.

Kitty Love

So the slutty little whore cat at my Korean deli got knocked up and this week she had four bastard kittens. They are pretty cute. But my favorite part of this story is that last week, before she gave birth, I asked the woman at the deli what she was going to do with the kittens. Her English isn't so good so I had to repeat it a few times, slower, and with pantomime. When she finally got what I said, turns out she thought I was asking how she got pregnant. So she starts to say:

"One night, she go outside..."

I'll let you fill in the blanks. Anyway, here are the kittens.

Thursday, July 16, 2009


What do you think this dog's name is?

a. Rascall
b. Clairebear
c. Oolong
d. NastyA$$F@#kerEvilKillerPunkboyC#$kMuncher

Oh Yeah

Check me out, this evening I'm gonna be on a BOAT! I'm attending a birthday cruise, or, as a co-worker here put it, "You and your friends are always doing all this interesting stuff".

True dat. Check out the video on the bottom if you want to get a good idea about what will happen tonight. And yes, yes I am wearing my flippy floppies.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Oh, Sorry

So it looks like KEVIN Jonas is the one getting married, NOT Nick, or at least according to the 8 year old girl in the office. I stand corrected.

Tiddy Bear

This product is not a joke. That also, however, doesn't change the fact that I want one. All I need to do is learn how to drive.

Hairy Snotter

OK people I have something to say:

Just because it's popular doesn't mean it's not good.

Let's take Harry Potter for example. Hey, guess what- the books are excellent. The movies are ok but seriously, it's a really smart story. So when I asked some friends if they wanted to catch the HP movie, I got either a resounding "yes" from the fan side, but the few who had never read the books, you know, "on principle" were all snarky.

Let me spell this out again (spell- hahhah! No pun intended):

The Harry Potter books are really popular because a lot of people rightfully enjoy them. Sure, the merchandising hoopla is overdone but I haven't met a single person who actually sat down and read them who were like, "Eh, not so much". When someone tells me I really should try something, like a new TV show, I respond with an honest, "Oh, man, I don't have time to get hooked to something else," not, "I know everyone has told me to see it, but I'm not going to just to be different." I gotta say, trying not to sound like a conformist is so '89.

Also, I hear Harry Potter does full frontal.

Oh, does THAT change your mind?

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

I'm Dumb

Okay I finally hit a new low. I was sending a picture to my email account from my iPhone and accidentally sent it to my Name Twin. Ugh, I feel like such an idiot. Thankfully it wasn't dirty.

Friendly Reminder

I would like to take the time in this very important historical period in our country to remind everyone that Dick Cheney's wife wrote a 19th century Western lesbian romance novel called Sisters. It is about a woman named Sophie Dymond who moves to Wyoming after her sister's death, coincidentally where Cheney and her husband are both from. Sophie later finds evidence that her sister was a raging carpetmuncher, and then things get weird. I haven't read it because it's out of print, but some nice people at the Google machine helped me find some choice passages.

Ok, can you spot my favorite similie in this paragraph?

Here's the "big reveal". She's just like Matlock, except female, thinner, and with a smaller brain.

Oh no, the forceable drunk man scene!

Do you think "Wilson stroked the dog" is a metaphor or was there really a dog in the room, or was there really a dog there trained to scare young women with lesbian sisters OR did Dick Cheney run the country as if it were his own personal war chest and lives in a world shrouded in secrets and lies? Hmmm... Guess we may just have to read the book to find out.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Meamwhile, In Crazytown

Today I saw a Jews for Jesus guy trying to hand a pamphlet to a Muslim.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Who Put Flowers In My Dog Piss?

Again, a friendly reminder from my neighborhood.

Um Wow

And now a video of a cat and monkey making out.

Ow, My Head

So last night's party was a complete and total blast and I successfully drank my weight in flavored vodka. I didn't get the chance to do what I had planned on doing later in the evening which was hang out on the "cigar terrace". You see, this venue had three floors with one big rooftop bar, and a separate side area on the second floor where this guy who didn't speak English (according to the lady with him) rolled fresh Dominican cigars. The only alcohol they served in that area consisted of the finest scotches, whiskeys, bourbons and brandys. So it would have been fun to end off the night outside with a bourbon and a cigar. Instead, I ended my night on the rooftop dancing ecstatically to some 80's mashup medley.

Thursday, July 09, 2009


Remember when I told you about my name twin in DC- the one who gets a lot of my emails? Well she sent me COOKIES that she made! I'm so excited, I love getting packages with baked goods. What should I send her back?

What a Kerfuffle!

What has two thumbs and is eating and drinking for free with a bunch of financial tools at this place tonight? This gal. Who wants to give me a word I promise to slip into every conversation?

Wednesday, July 08, 2009

Hope It's Not A Virus

In the Seriously I Couldn't Make This Up category a friend texted me yesterday that there was a worm in their Apple computer monitor. I texted back like, "Oh, a virus?"

"No. An actual worm."

I would pay money to watch anyone take that into the Apple store and see how the on-site nerdlets deal with it. Do you think situations like this are protected under AppleCare?

Tuesday, July 07, 2009

My Office

Everyone here keeps asking me if I watched the Michael Jackson memorial and I think it's because I insisted on watching the Obama inauguration so therefore I must be obsessed with prominent African Americans. No, I didn't watch it.

It's Serious

What the f@#k are you looking at?

Monday, July 06, 2009

Crazy Animals

It's that time of year when I have to buy cards for my boss's kids for camp and seriously there is nothing for a 12 year old boy. Hope he likes great danes in funny poses with kittens.

Palin's Musings

And now, a condensed version of the transcript of Sarah Palin's speech, with her own personal notes. She's such a doodler! Click on each page for a larger view.

Page 1:

Page 2:

Page 3:

Reality Stinks

WOW I just found out that my boss was asked to be on a new reality show about "Women on Wall Street" and she turned them down. I'm actually very glad because while I sometimes watch reality TV, I would never want to be on one of those shows. Her sister's stepson is on one now and no one in the family knew until it aired, and everyone is just mortified. I will now be watching that show.

A Sign From Above, Again

Palin4Pres2012 (1:49:49 PM): oh haaaaaaaay Jesus, that you?

JesusHChrist (1:49:52 PM): oh hi Sarah.

Palin4Pres2012 (1:49:57 PM): hahah

Palin4Pres2012 (1:50:00 PM): u saw me this weekend? I quit the job to work more on National stuff for Alaska! I'm answering your call

JesusHChrist (1:50:10 PM): I didn't call you.

Palin4Pres2012 (1:50:23 PM): ya you did!!! :)

JesusHChrist (1:50:22 PM): No, I didn't

Palin4Pres2012 (1:50:26 PM): Yup, you called me to give me my calling. That I will take over the world! It's God's will!

JesusHChrist (1:50:32 PM): Listen, I like you. But we need to get some things straight. First, leave my dad out of this. Second, this whole calling thimg- it wasn't me. OK? We don't "call" people. There is no inter-heavens calling plan. We are all God's children, and as such there are no favorites.

JesusHChrist (1:50:40 PM): so I think u should rething your decision

Palin4Pres2012 (1:50:42 PM): about the gov thing

JesusHChrist (1:50:42 PM): yes

JesusHChrist (1:50:43 PM): I mean, do what you want, but don't say I told you so

Palin4Pres2012 (1:50:45 PM): See you just told me to do something!

JesusHChrist (1:51:01 PM): no I didn't

JesusHChrist (1:51:09 PM): I'm saying what I say to everyone- follow your heart and be kind to animals. Oh, and spay and neuter your p[ets.

Palin4Pres2012 (1:50:46 PM): hahhah! I totes saw the sign! You just gave me a hidden clue!

JesusHChrist (1:51:39 PM): Oh dear.

Thursday, July 02, 2009


So some of my friends shaved their heads in solidarity for my friend who has cancer and is starting another round of aggressive chemo today. Even though the chemo he will be on won't make him lose his hair. It's the thought that counts. My friends are awesome.

Survival of the Friendest

A friend and I were talking about his new iPhone and his very detailed email instructions to have friends TEXT their name to his phone so he could add it in. Instead he said a lot of people just emailed the number back, and that's adding another step to your contact retrieval process.

I told him look at it like evolution and think of the weaker friends getting weeded out. Just don't add their numbers if they can't take direction. Darwin would have wanted it that way.

I think tomorrow I am going to mail him my phone number.

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

Jon Minus 9

Oh please watch this now. This is actually a friend of a friend's vid and I think it's fantastic.

Help This Creature


This woman was being interviewed by police when a baby squirrel popped out of her cleavage and she just stuffed it right back in and kept talking.

Shut It

OK, cut...cut. Hold the phone. When I wrote this I was making light of the fact that Governor Mark Sanford seemed to divulge way too much about that lady friend, but now it doesn't seem like much of an exaggeration. He just won't shut up about his affair. Seriously- could this hurt his wife any more? Check out this public morsel the jerkmaster spewed out of his cheat hole the other day:

“This was a whole lot more than a simple affair. That it's a love story – a forbidden one, a tragic one, but a love story at the end of the day...It was wonderful. Something that I’ve never been able to put my hands on was there. I remember there was an older couple sitting to our right, and I remember them watching us, in the way that we interacted. They could see a spark, or, I don’t know what you’d call it, but there was something there.”

OK, we all know this happens and seen it all before, but there comes a point where maybe while you can't keep your johnson in your pants you could at least show some public respect for the woman you cheated on. He's just one screw short of bringing her to his wife's birthday party.

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