Monday, November 30, 2009
28 Hours Later
I spent most of the weekend in quarantine because I may have caught a virus which it turns out I did not. How I didn't is beyond me, I mean, I was literally inhaling it hours earlier. Imagine that movie 28 Days Later where the "Rage" virus is infecting everyone. Now imagine I got bit by one of those rabid zombies. By all calculations, I should fly into that rage in T-30 seconds, but no. Instead my weekend was more like that Sandra Bullock flop, 28 days, where she sobers up, because I haven't had a drink since I've been on vomit watch. Luckily I am alive and uninfected. Because really, I'd rather be a rabid zombie than vomiting all weekend.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
A proper and polite co-worker of mine who also runs a charity asked me to look up Chase Bank on Facebook because if you join the page, then you can vote for her charity to receive a donation or something. While standing over my computer and watching the screen, these results popped up.
I just asked her to send me the link.
WOW I wasn't a fan of Glambert's performance at the AMA's, but I am now a huge fan of his brains. Watch the entirety of this eloquent interview. Don't look directly into the glitter.
Watch CBS News Videos Online
So I hope it's totally cool that if you look closely you can see my dog's massive erection in the holiday cards I just got printed.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
I Need Money, Okay?
Midwestern housewives everywhere get ready! I made an eBay listing for something that a co-worker received in a gift bag, and she thought it would be funny to leave on my desk. Well it turns out it's worth at least $40. Check this out, b@#ches:
Thanks to the People of Walmart, we have this little guy. What exactly do you think is going on here?
Oh my God. This is a crazy story. It's about a kid with Aspergers who got pissed at his mom and rode the subway. For 11 days. From the article: "No one spoke to him. Asked if he saw any larger meaning in that, he said, 'Nobody really cares about the world and about people.'"
Actually, you know what, I'm glad no one spoke to him. You shouldn't talk to a young person on a train, that is totally unacceptable and pedophilish. So to all the people who are all, "Why did no one help the poor boy!" Maybe because he didn't ask for it, and was just another kid riding the train. Am I supposed to go up to every child on the subway and be all, "Excuse me, but you wouldn't happen to be autistic and riding the train for like, many days, are you? No? Oh, ok, cool- sorry for totally scaring you."
Monday, November 23, 2009
I really don't know why so many people are shocked by the Burka Barbie. It makes a lot of sense, really. Someone needs to stop those kids from ripping off her clothes. And besides, if Ken can finally be gay, who's to say Barbie can't explore the Muslim religion? And besides, I'd really be interested in seeing Barbie's Dream Mosque.
My weekend was so eventful, it has it's own blog post here.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
So... how do you tell a Facebook friend who's more of an acquaintance than a friend, that they accidentally posted a semi nude pic of themselves on the live feed before taking it down because they intended the face of it to be their profile photo, but unbeknownst to them the full nudie photo is still available in the "Profile Pictures" section?
So I'm flying to Atlanta this evening. I have a hot date with Anderson Cooper. No, not really- in my dreams. Well they're expecting craptastic weather tonight but that's cool cuz it's not like I'm afraid of flying or anything.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Well, one minute I'm making tequila-horny jokes, the next I'm gonna talk about rape. Awesome, huh? Listen, if you haven't read this post, please do. It's been making the rounds for months and it brings up some interesting points. No, I didn't write it- if I did it would be laced with inappropriate boobie jokes. But seriously, folks.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
This just in- There's a new drug that's supposed to make women hornier than a ten peckered owl.
In other news, there's also something called tequila.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Friday, November 13, 2009
Crouching Lady, Hidden Ninja
Last night's movie was called "The Flying Scissors". The guy next door to me asked if it was about lesbian ninjas, and I thought that was awesome.
So I've never done proper stand-up and I've never used Powerpoint, but in about a week, I will be doing both.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Guy Next Door's boss is, well, short. I mean really short, but not short enough to legally count as a midget.
See this is why it's good to know D-list movie stars. My friend Devin, who is best known for playing the snotty older brother Buzz in Home Alone, is in a new film and called me to ask if I'd be his arm candy on the red carpet at the screening tonight. I asked him flat out, "It's in 4 hours. Tell me honestly- how many other girls did you call before me?"
Another Dog Story
This is the story of Sabi, an Australian bomb sniffing military dog in Afghanistan that went missing after a particularly brutal fight. Well, they found him 14 months later and returned him to the base. I'd say this is a happy story but look at that dog- he looks a little pissed. Do you know why? Because Sabi is a big, raging hippie who doesn't believe in the war. Somebody get him a tab of acid and a tye dye bandanna, for chrissakes.
More Girl Scout Madness
Ok, this story is going to both pull your heart strings and titillate you at the same time.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Well my boss must really hate America. She sent me to the bank on Veterans Day. The bank is closed on Veterans Day.
Of course it took me until I got to the bank before I realized that as well...
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Well, s@#t balls.
Born To Barter
So there's this guy in my office who's super nice but super stingy when it comes to sharing his Yankees season tickets. Instead of giving any away to me during the series, he'd sell them for top price on Stub Hub. I know, I know... the humanity.
Monday, November 09, 2009
So the NRA, yes, the National Rife Association, has been calling here EVERY DAY to speak to someone who previously has said they don't want to talk to the NRA and does not know why they call. They keep calling, so we're trying to come up with the most creative things to say to them to keep them from calling. Today was the second to last chance- I just told them to, for the last time, take us off the list. They made "note of it". The next time they called, we all agreed whoever answered will bring up the recent wave of gun violence and ask them about their thoughts. I hope I'm the one who answers it but another woman here is really quick on the draw...
So the mice are back after a season long absence and may I say, thank god. I mean, I could barely survive without hearing them squeak, or sleep at night without knowing they were sneaking stray dog food and kicking it around my apartment. It's awesome.
Friday, November 06, 2009
It's not that funny but really, it is.
Thursday, November 05, 2009
More To Love
"Williams, who was diagnosed with two vaginas when she was 25-years-old, also believes she has 2 periods."
My New Friends
So last night I was invited to a dinner for a good friend of mine in town, and every time I attend these thing it turns out I know his friends from somewhere. Last night was no exception. When I got there, there were all these people I didn't know. The woman sitting next to me and I were trying to figure out why we looked familiar, when there it was- for 10 years we have lived across the street from each other and our dogs play together. The guy to the right of me? I did voiceover work for his film a while back. The woman across from me? I don't know her but she went to Vassar and knows friends of mine AND was taught by my "cousin" (I'll explain that one later). The guy who showed up later? He's in the band the Butthole Surfers and I was one of the few people in the world that sat through his computer music experiment with his friends a few years ago at a local club (that one's for you, Miguel). The other guy across from me starts going on about this famous Kentucky Derby party he goes to... (another long story) and on and on.
Wednesday, November 04, 2009
Screw that Corkscrew
This is absolutely amazing. This man opens up a bottle of wine... with his shoe.
Tuesday, November 03, 2009
Oh dear god oh dear god oh dear god wasn't it all a dream?
"Had it gone the other way tonight, we would not have returned in sorrow to the great State of Alaska. We would have carried with us memories that are forever, and joyful experiences that do not depend on victory... This is a moment when principles and political independence matter a lot more than just the party line."
Monday, November 02, 2009
Ha ha my boss just played a little joke on me. She comes into the office today with a big smirk on her face and a bag, "Hey, can you... uh... return this for me? It's my son's tuxedo from this weekend." Ok.
And In Today's News
And now, a conversation with Senator Joe Lieberman: