A day by day and often hourly account of a temp

Monday, November 30, 2009


I got this in the mail from Staples today. This is like when your boyfriend says he wants to take you out to eat, but it has to be lunch and you can only order from the dollar menu at a McDonalds in Hoboken, New Jersey.

28 Hours Later

I spent most of the weekend in quarantine because I may have caught a virus which it turns out I did not. How I didn't is beyond me, I mean, I was literally inhaling it hours earlier. Imagine that movie 28 Days Later where the "Rage" virus is infecting everyone. Now imagine I got bit by one of those rabid zombies. By all calculations, I should fly into that rage in T-30 seconds, but no. Instead my weekend was more like that Sandra Bullock flop, 28 days, where she sobers up, because I haven't had a drink since I've been on vomit watch. Luckily I am alive and uninfected. Because really, I'd rather be a rabid zombie than vomiting all weekend.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Facebook Foul

A proper and polite co-worker of mine who also runs a charity asked me to look up Chase Bank on Facebook because if you join the page, then you can vote for her charity to receive a donation or something. While standing over my computer and watching the screen, these results popped up.

I just asked her to send me the link.

Glambert Speaks

WOW I wasn't a fan of Glambert's performance at the AMA's, but I am now a huge fan of his brains. Watch the entirety of this eloquent interview. Don't look directly into the glitter.

Watch CBS News Videos Online

Good Boy

So I hope it's totally cool that if you look closely you can see my dog's massive erection in the holiday cards I just got printed.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

I Need Money, Okay?

Midwestern housewives everywhere get ready! I made an eBay listing for something that a co-worker received in a gift bag, and she thought it would be funny to leave on my desk. Well it turns out it's worth at least $40. Check this out, b@#ches:

Bernardaud Noel Bear Figurine New In Box!

Super Mop

Thanks to the People of Walmart, we have this little guy. What exactly do you think is going on here?

Subway Boy

Oh my God. This is a crazy story. It's about a kid with Aspergers who got pissed at his mom and rode the subway. For 11 days. From the article: "No one spoke to him. Asked if he saw any larger meaning in that, he said, 'Nobody really cares about the world and about people.'"

Actually, you know what, I'm glad no one spoke to him. You shouldn't talk to a young person on a train, that is totally unacceptable and pedophilish. So to all the people who are all, "Why did no one help the poor boy!" Maybe because he didn't ask for it, and was just another kid riding the train. Am I supposed to go up to every child on the subway and be all, "Excuse me, but you wouldn't happen to be autistic and riding the train for like, many days, are you? No? Oh, ok, cool- sorry for totally scaring you."

Remember when Forrest Gump ran for like, 6 months and grew a beard and it was all weird? No one stopped him either, although in hindsight they should have. That would have made that movie way shorter.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Burka Barbie

I really don't know why so many people are shocked by the Burka Barbie. It makes a lot of sense, really. Someone needs to stop those kids from ripping off her clothes. And besides, if Ken can finally be gay, who's to say Barbie can't explore the Muslim religion? And besides, I'd really be interested in seeing Barbie's Dream Mosque.

The Weekend

My weekend was so eventful, it has it's own blog post here.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

A Conundrum

So... how do you tell a Facebook friend who's more of an acquaintance than a friend, that they accidentally posted a semi nude pic of themselves on the live feed before taking it down because they intended the face of it to be their profile photo, but unbeknownst to them the full nudie photo is still available in the "Profile Pictures" section?

Here Kitty

Oh man, some people take their jobs way too seriously.

Weather Dotsucks

So I'm flying to Atlanta this evening. I have a hot date with Anderson Cooper. No, not really- in my dreams. Well they're expecting craptastic weather tonight but that's cool cuz it's not like I'm afraid of flying or anything.


OH and did I mention there were no trains in my neighborhood this morning because of an accident on the line? I had to walk 30 minutes to the next line. I don't know if I'm meant to travel anywhere today.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Sorry, Guys

OH MY GOD please somebody erase this from my brain.

Serious Time

Well, one minute I'm making tequila-horny jokes, the next I'm gonna talk about rape. Awesome, huh? Listen, if you haven't read this post, please do. It's been making the rounds for months and it brings up some interesting points. No, I didn't write it- if I did it would be laced with inappropriate boobie jokes. But seriously, folks.

So if you have 5 minutes, read it and think about it. Not often in our culture do women even talk about this with each other but it's always on our minds, and yes, I have had close friends who have been raped, assaulted, almost assaulted, groped, stalked, etc. Too many in fact. Let's just say the "1 in 3 women will be sexually assaulted" statistic has already been proven true in my life. We live every day with this fact. Day or night, good neighborhood or bad, it's always there in the back of our heads and I'm glad someone addressed it.

Now, I'm blessed with excellent intuition; I can feel someone's negative or dangerous energy fairly quickly. Then there are those weirdos who just exude the rapey vibe. For example, there's this guy who works as an engineer in my office building. EVERY woman here gets the same reaction when he walks in the room to fix a lightbulb or something. It's like the room gets freezing and we feel like we can't breathe. No joke- other women in the office say the same exact thing. His eyes are just empty, it's so weird. It's gotten to the point where when we have a problem, we don't call the building anymore- our accountant changes the lightbulbs. We "joke" that he probably has "tents of children in his backyard", he's that weird. But all I can say is if I ever accidentally end up in an elevator with him, I'd be very concerned, you know?

This is not to say that all men are rapists. Obviously. But it's important for men to note that women deal with something on a daily basis that they probably don't think about. It's kind of like, as a white person, I'll never know what it feels like to be a person of color being followed by a salesperson in a store. It's just a fact, but it's a sign of respect to understand that my friends of color experience it on a daily basis.

Anyhoo, super serious post, sorry. I'll talk about something funny later.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Wonder Drug

This just in- There's a new drug that's supposed to make women hornier than a ten peckered owl.

In other news, there's also something called tequila.

Monday, November 16, 2009


Yeah this letter was sent to my boss.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Crouching Lady, Hidden Ninja

Last night's movie was called "The Flying Scissors". The guy next door to me asked if it was about lesbian ninjas, and I thought that was awesome.

New Gig

So I've never done proper stand-up and I've never used Powerpoint, but in about a week, I will be doing both.

There's this thing called Adult Education and its where a bunch of nerds who like to drink come together at a bar and present on certain topics. My presentation is about the origins and examples of death as a metaphor for orgasm. Because I clearly think about sex all the time. And death and stuff.


Thursday, November 12, 2009


Guy Next Door's boss is, well, short. I mean really short, but not short enough to legally count as a midget.

He just walked in to talk to someone and my co-worker whispered, "Is that a 'Little Person'?"

I actually said, "Not technically."

Going Glam

See this is why it's good to know D-list movie stars. My friend Devin, who is best known for playing the snotty older brother Buzz in Home Alone, is in a new film and called me to ask if I'd be his arm candy on the red carpet at the screening tonight. I asked him flat out, "It's in 4 hours. Tell me honestly- how many other girls did you call before me?"

"Just one."

Another Dog Story

This is the story of Sabi, an Australian bomb sniffing military dog in Afghanistan that went missing after a particularly brutal fight. Well, they found him 14 months later and returned him to the base. I'd say this is a happy story but look at that dog- he looks a little pissed. Do you know why? Because Sabi is a big, raging hippie who doesn't believe in the war. Somebody get him a tab of acid and a tye dye bandanna, for chrissakes.

More Girl Scout Madness

Whoa whoa whoa. We buy cookies so that chick can go ziplining and those other girls can get their picture taken in the leaves? I don't think so.

Dog Hero

Ok, this story is going to both pull your heart strings and titillate you at the same time.

Thanks to Dlisted, I found this- So a part time male model in Australia is spreading the ashes of his dead grandmother on a pier, when a woman's dog gets picked up by the wind and flies into the water. No, this is not a joke. So the guy whips his pants off, goes in, and saves the dog. It's really touching, even though the woman kind of looks like George Bush in drag (see the last pic).

What I love about this story, besides everything, is that the guy took his pants off first. How considerate. Because when a male model is about to get soaking wet, it's very important to wear tight white underthings, am I right, ladies?!? You can also read more about it here.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Veterans Day

Well my boss must really hate America. She sent me to the bank on Veterans Day. The bank is closed on Veterans Day.

Of course it took me until I got to the bank before I realized that as well...

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Sexy Times

Well, s@#t balls.

This couple had been told by the city that they were having sex too loud. Neighbors complained, people on the street complained, stray cats in heat everywhere complained.

Wow, what kind of hot young couple has sexy times so loud that a whole city is running after them with pitchforks? Yes, there is a picture. Of the couple, not the angry mob. Please don't scroll down at the prominently placed pic unless you want to envision these guys getting it on.

Born To Barter

So there's this guy in my office who's super nice but super stingy when it comes to sharing his Yankees season tickets. Instead of giving any away to me during the series, he'd sell them for top price on Stub Hub. I know, I know... the humanity.

Today I mentioned that this Sat eve. I got last minute front row pit seats to see Bruce Springstein at the Garden, but I had to decline. His eyes got all big. Turns out he's been trying to get good tickets to see Springstein for a while. I felt bad, but then the smug part of me set in. I mean he knew I wanted to see the Yankees in the series.

Now I'm not a mean person, so I'm gonna hook him up. But don't think I won't get that favor returned when the Yanks go for 28...

Monday, November 09, 2009


So the NRA, yes, the National Rife Association, has been calling here EVERY DAY to speak to someone who previously has said they don't want to talk to the NRA and does not know why they call. They keep calling, so we're trying to come up with the most creative things to say to them to keep them from calling. Today was the second to last chance- I just told them to, for the last time, take us off the list. They made "note of it". The next time they called, we all agreed whoever answered will bring up the recent wave of gun violence and ask them about their thoughts. I hope I'm the one who answers it but another woman here is really quick on the draw...

My Friends

So the mice are back after a season long absence and may I say, thank god. I mean, I could barely survive without hearing them squeak, or sleep at night without knowing they were sneaking stray dog food and kicking it around my apartment. It's awesome.

I even saw one in broad daylight yesterday, you know the one- the one little guy who's all, "F@#K this nocturnal crap, I'ma get all up in this business and walk around in the day and stuff." And he even had the balls to stop and be all, "Yo, where the parmesan at?" Shit just got real.

In other news, you need to watch this- it's a short some of my friends did and it is HIGH-larious:

Friday, November 06, 2009

Fun With Venn Diagrams

Name Game

It's not that funny but really, it is.

I'm writing out invites to a Bar Mitzvah and I just came across a last name that I can't stop thinking about:

Beaglehole. The kid's dad is DOCTOR Beaglehole, thank you very much.

Thursday, November 05, 2009

More To Love

Oh. No.

This week's Tyra show is about a woman with two vaginas.


Here is my favorite part of the press release:

"Williams, who was diagnosed with two vaginas when she was 25-years-old, also believes she has 2 periods."

Ok, ok. Everyone settle down, I got this.

First of all, how can you not know all of your life that you've had two vaginas? Also, what makes you think you don't have 2 periods? Can she have kids? And if one boyfriend has sex with one vagina and another man has sex with the other, is that not cheating? Yes, that's where my mind goes.

I mean...

My New Friends

So last night I was invited to a dinner for a good friend of mine in town, and every time I attend these thing it turns out I know his friends from somewhere. Last night was no exception. When I got there, there were all these people I didn't know. The woman sitting next to me and I were trying to figure out why we looked familiar, when there it was- for 10 years we have lived across the street from each other and our dogs play together. The guy to the right of me? I did voiceover work for his film a while back. The woman across from me? I don't know her but she went to Vassar and knows friends of mine AND was taught by my "cousin" (I'll explain that one later). The guy who showed up later? He's in the band the Butthole Surfers and I was one of the few people in the world that sat through his computer music experiment with his friends a few years ago at a local club (that one's for you, Miguel). The other guy across from me starts going on about this famous Kentucky Derby party he goes to... (another long story) and on and on.

FINALLY we had enough chit chat to realize that while we loved our friend, we really wanted to watch the game, so my new friends and I watched the game together. How cute. It'll probably be like in The Breakfast Club where after detention is over, we see each other on the street and don't say hi. But at least we had the Yankees.

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

Screw that Corkscrew

This is absolutely amazing. This man opens up a bottle of wine... with his shoe.

Tuesday, November 03, 2009


I was searching for something about sneezing baby elephants when I stumbled across this.

Oh Maverick

Oh dear god oh dear god oh dear god wasn't it all a dream?

Almost a year ago today this great country dodged a huge bullet by the name of Sarah Palin. Never should she have been picked but who knows- if she hadn't maybe McCain would have won. Which would have been preferable than having Palin anywhere near the White House. But remember that concession speech she thought she could give but was told no directly by John McCain because VP candidates don't give concession speeches? What about a victory speech? Oh, there was one too and they are both available here. If you're like me, and I know I am, you'll be counting your blessings as you read both speeches. Some of my favorite parts from the "victory" speech are:

"Had it gone the other way tonight, we would not have returned in sorrow to the great State of Alaska. We would have carried with us memories that are forever, and joyful experiences that do not depend on victory... This is a moment when principles and political independence matter a lot more than just the party line."

Who could forget the look on Sarah's teary face the night of the speech? She really thought she was going to win.

Monday, November 02, 2009

Very Funny

Ha ha my boss just played a little joke on me. She comes into the office today with a big smirk on her face and a bag, "Hey, can you... uh... return this for me? It's my son's tuxedo from this weekend." Ok.

So an hour later she's like, "Did you go yet?" not in an accusatory way, just more giddy anticipation.

"No... I'm... going after lunch is that ok?"

"Oh SURE! Just ah, let me know."

Finally she can't take it any longer. She tells me the biggest Queen this side of Fairyland who wears horse hair suits and has not one but TWO lazy eyes works there and she is just dying for me to deal with him. So I finally go.

Wow. Let's just say that today was "Snakeskin Day", and I was not disappointed. I actually did an involuntarily obvious stop and sigh after I took one look at him.

Very funny, Bosslady. I'll get you back for this.


Ok you guys, I may have dressed up my dog as a Yankee this Halloween but in the "For Serious" department this takes the cake. I mean...

And In Today's News

And now, a conversation with Senator Joe Lieberman:

Joe Lieberman: So that's why I think we just can't afford to make any changes in healthcare - we're just not in the right economic state.

A Reporter: But everyone knows a healthy country is a strong country. Why do you hate America so much?

Joe Lieberman: I don't "hate" America, I just think the fat bitch needs to get off the couch once in a while and earn her healthcare- it's not just something to be given away like it grows on trees. It's like, put away the bon bons lady and turn off America's Next Top Model, you got stuff to do. I can't be all throwing healthcare at you like you throw yourself on that guy who has a wife. Maybe he loves the attention but his wife isn't stupid because every time he casually drops that he was talking to you, he never uses your name but your wife isn't dumb and while nothing may be going on, you're still inappropriately flirting with him, and it's not cool even to just refer to you in front of your saint of a wife but I digress, you dumb slut.

A Reporter: Are you ok?

Joe Lieberman: No.

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