A day by day and often hourly account of a temp

Monday, August 31, 2009

Scared Grandpa

Actor/douchebag Jon Voight went on Mike Huckabee's show (he has a show?) and said more things that aren't true.

"We're becoming a socialist nation, and Obama is causing civil unrest in this country... The stimulus didn't work... We're being told what cars we can drive, how much we can make..."

Seriously? Wow, way to scare more old people. Jon Voight, all you ever did was make a hot daughter.

Oh No

I tried to stay away from all this Michael Jackson coverage but this I can't just pass up. It is stranger than the name Blanket which this child owns. It is stranger than this photo, which shows said Blanket at his daddy's funeral with a doll of his daddy, half naked, and that Blanket has hair more fabulous than mine. It's that the real daddy of Blanket is... Macauley Culkin.

What is not stranger, but a mild footnote, is that yesterday I spent an hour filming my new show with the guy who played his brother Buzz in Home Alone (that guy on the left there):

But shameless self promotion aside, seriously, what the hey? I mean, in a weird way I can totally see in. In another way, I am questioning my choice in even talking about it. It's only Monday, people. It's gonna get a lot worse before it gets better.

Friday, August 28, 2009

I Love This

This is pretty funny.

Stiff Upper Lip

So yesterday when I went to get my eyebrows waxed, the woman says to me, "Just eyebrows?"

Now, here's the thing about these spa-like ladies. They're blunt. They'll tell you to your face and without hesitation that you have a bad wrinkle or snaggle hair or are just plain ugly. Apparently, she thought I should wax my upper lip.

Now, I'm fairly good with pain. I can get my eyebrows waxed while giving blood and touching a hot stove all at the same time so I thought, why not? Guess what. IT HURT A LOT. All that came off was a mild film of peach fuzz anyway. Honestly I can't really see the difference but I guess it's good that the lady at the salon was happy. That's all that matters.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

When Life Gives You Lemons

These fruits look like they're having a great time. Not everyone thinks so. Some guy in England took serious offense to the frorgy pictured below at a store and got in a fight with the shopkeeper who was not the one responsible for the package design.

Twatty McPrudemeister said, "The lemon and lime are locked in what appears to be a carnal encounter...The lime, who I assume to be the gentleman in this coupling, has a particularly lurid expression on his face."

Food Post

You can say what you want about this country, and we're far from perfect, but damn. Where else can you get a lunch like this? Ok, maybe in Mexico and Belgium.

Who's Hungry

This is a Snack Stadium. I'd like to make this one day.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

My Hair

So today I have my hair up in these little French braids that wrap under and I call this look "Mormon Compound Chic". Everyone is loving it and I am getting so many compliments, until I tell them that I call the look, "Mormon Compound Chic". That's a conversation ender. Or actually, it did start one conversation about that freak Warren Jeffs. I should probably just learn to keep my mouth shut and say, "Why, thank you." That, or stop wearing my hair all awesome.

Total Eclipse of the Flowchart

Tuesday, August 25, 2009


I had the turkey sandwich in a pita with a fruit salad for lunch.

Dessert Idea

I'm going to a friend's house for dinner and it's my job to bring the dessert. I might make this. It's white chocolate and cream over frozen berries. When the warm melted chocolate goes over the berries, it congeals the chocolate while warming the berries. I know. I've had this before and it is amazing. If I get lazy though, I'll just buy some sorbet. Who knows- it'll be a game time decision.

Time to Eat

Monday, August 24, 2009


This weekend I took my dog to Vermont for my brother's wedding. He had a great time, especially because he got to eat lots of crap. The next morning I took him out early and then tried to go back to sleep. We had ordered room service and my sister started eating hers later and that's when my dog had a moral dilemma. Either curl up with me, the woman who feeds and shelters him, or, beg for bacon. He found a happy medium. Here's a picture of Captain Pancakehead looking longingly at the bacon.

Oh, Tracy

Be careful how you Facebook- someone could hack into your account very easily. Or at least that's what Tracy found out the hard way this weekend.

This lady's account was targeted this past weekend and well, you can see what ensues. Personally, I think it's pretty funny. I mean, if you're gonna hack you may as well do it so that it's entertaining. And you know what, what's wrong with a good love cave reference?

You'll have to excuse me- I got hardly any sleep this weekend so it takes very little to amuse me.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Wet Trash

You guys I would so go to these hipster pools but I am WAY too not hip. Yes, these are pools. Made out of dumpsters. In my neighborhood. But the location is secret. Isn't that cool?

Who Let The Dog Out

Awwww... Happy Friday.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Mmmmmm New Drink

Yeah, this creamy goodness is what happens when you get a former bartender together with a kitchen full of coffee machines, Crate and Barrel gadgets and a lot of time on her hands. Voila. Because the flavors explode in your mouth I call this the K-Splosion. It's a part espresso, part coffee, lotsa ice and milk foam. Oh, and about 5 packets of Splenda. Drink up.

Code Orangeredblue

I'm shocked. Tom Ridge finally admitted that he was pressured to raise the terror alert level to help George Bush win the 2004 election. It says in a new book:

"Ridge was never invited to sit in on National Security Council meetings; was "blindsided" by the FBI in morning Oval Office meetings because the agency withheld critical information from him; found his urgings to block Michael Brown from being named head of the emergency agency blamed for the Hurricane Katrina disaster ignored; and was pushed to raise the security alert on the eve of President Bush's re-election, something he saw as politically motivated and worth resigning over."

I know I've been talking a lot about politics lately- I'll try to stop for a bit. Would you like to know what I had for lunch?

Gazpacho. And si, it was muy delicioso.

Howl It

So I'm going to be singing on an electronica pop album (not a joke) and as such I have has the need to do some test vocals at home with Garage Band. For those of you who don't know, Garage Band is a Mac application that allows you to make music without the clutter of those useless instruments. You can also lay down vocals, share them, add, etc.

Now, my dog is an asshole. I'll just say it right now. He's a selective asshole, meaning that he is so super cute like, 90% of the time, but just when you need him to be quiet he barks or shakes his dog tags, or walks around the apartment resulting in clicking noises. So it's not really conducive to laying down some hot tracks.

Normally when I record, I have to make my dog lay down, and then gently massage his muzzle while I sing. But that's what really sets him off- my singing. I can't even sing along to a song on the iTunes without him howling along. No, it's not cute. It's annoying.

Finally I finished a demo last night. In it there's a very reverbed bark, a disapproving yelp and a shake. At one point he pulled the "heavy breathing" trick out of his bag and I tried to record it, thinking it might sound cool. Guess what- that's when he shuts up, when there's a mike in his face. Guess the solution is to buy him his own mike. That'll work.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

In Sports News

This is probably my first, last and only sports post, so enjoy.

This runner from South Africa, Caster Semenya, is dominating all the women's categories. So they set out to determine if this person is a man or a woman. And according to the experts, this process may take weeks:

"A group of doctors, including an endocrinologist, a gynecologist, an internal medicine expert, an expert on gender and a psychologist, have started the procedure but it is uncertain when the results will be known. The complex process could take several weeks to be complete."

Know what I'd do? Throw on an episode of Sex in the City. Bam - you have already weeded out the straight men. If s/he stays, then you show them a picture of Twilight's Robert Pattinson and mention he's straight. The ones who run crying out of the room are the gay men and there you have it.

Searching For Tempy

Here is the latest keyword analysis of search terms people use that bring them to my site. Can you spot my favorite?

Last Night

So last night we had one of those amazing thunderstorms where the sky lights up and the thunder is super loud. Now for the past 11 years, my dog hasn't cared a lick about thunder, but all of a sudden after a bad experience in a car during a storm a few weeks ago, he turns into a terrified puppy at the mere hint of thunder. I had to spend the better portion of last night stroking him and making soft cooing noises, then rewarding him when he didn't bark during the thunder. Then I let him suckle on my chest, changed his didee and gave him a binkey. No, that last part was a joke. He's just really a big baby, though. A big, 65 lb furry baby. That eats pizza crusts off the street.

Now for your viewing pleasure, here's a short clip of Barney Frank cutting down a stupid protester who compared Hitler to Obama.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

News Of The World

So in "Things I Really Didn't Need To Know So Now I'm Telling You" news, a new book reveals that Bernie Madoff has a small penis. Which probably explains a lot. I mean, you never see a well endowed guy run the biggest Ponzi scheme in the world, do you? Exactly.

Also in the "Seriously Why Do I Care But Now I'm Thinking About It", Rebecca Gayheart, aka Noxzema Girl and her husband AKA Mr. McSteamy from Grey's Anatomy, made a sex tape with some Miss Teen runner up AKA Girl Who Has Some Relevance Now.

And finally, Tom DeLay will appear on Dancing With The "Stars". I guess when he's not conspiring in crimes or laundering money, he's a mean two stepper.

Ok, my mind is clearer, that is all. Continue along with your day.

Tickets To The Gun Show

Barack Obama Arrives To Town Hall With His Own Assault Rifle, Asks Motherfuckers if They'd "Like To Dance"
August 18, 2009

PHOENIX- In an unusual move, President Barack Obama arrived to a health care Town Hall at the First Congregational United Church of Christ wearing his trademark blue suit, red tie, and an M16 assault rifle strapped around his chest.

"Now, as I have said before, this health care reform is not going to drastically change anything. If you like your current health insurance, you can keep it," he said while lightly fingering the muzzle of his Colt ACR/M16A2E2 fitted with ELCAN C79 scope, "Make no mistake. The cost of our health care is an escalating burden on our families and businesses."

President Obama spoke for about 20 minutes to the unusually hushed crowd, highlighting the need for the potential bill with personal stories. "It's unsustainable for Americans like Cindy Abramson, a young mother that I met in New Hampshire just last week, who's learned that the breast cancer she thought she'd beaten had spread to her bones, but who's now being forced to spend time worrying about how to cover the $50,000 in medical debts she's already accumulated," he stressed while shifting his right hand to the integrated rear sight assembly charging handle of the weapon, adding, "All she wants to do is spend time with her two children and focus on getting well. It's not too much to ask, is it? That's what I thought you candy asses."

Mr. Obama didn't specifically refer to his new accessory until the end of the speech. "Small business owners like Ron and Annie Smith in St. Paul are also struggling," he said before declaring, "Oh, I'm sorry, I'll bet you didn't realize you were getting tickets to the gun show today. Fuckers."

Some attendees like Janet Hall were a bit put off by the President's speech. "I was a little surprised," she said, "Not by the gun, but more by the way he started waving it around when he said something about the AMA. He kind of lost me when he pointed it at that guy who asked a question about socialism and made a boom noise."

Not everyone was unhappy with the President's speech. "I thought he was great," said 24 year old Brad Farner, "I don't really care for the reform thing but I kind of want to hang out with him."

Obama finished the talk after only 3 questions were asked, much to the apparent disappointment after encouraging of the crowd to participate. "Are you sure there's NO ONE who wants to ask me anything?" he challenged while slowly weaving through the aisles lifting his rifle with astonishingly measured discipline adding, "I could go on all day." One man was mistakenly targeted by Obama as a potential volunteer only to realize the highly decorated Vietnam vet was not raising one but rather two hands in the air.

"Well I guess that just about does it for me," Obama finished, "I think I've made my point."

Obama's next stop will be at the First Lutheran Church of Kentucky where he is rumored to arrive in an armored T90 tank.

Monday, August 17, 2009

I Want This

Let's face it. Going to the bathroom is just so freaking boring sometimes, am I right gentlemen? When you're not trying to look disinterested while another half naked man stands aloofly next to you, don't you wish you had something else to do other than hold yourself? Well that's why some genius invented the Wee Goal.

This is one of the rare times I wish I had a penis.

Snarf it Out

So this weekend someone said something so funny that I choked on my beer, and then it went up my nose, and back out of my mouth, full-on aggressive lawn sprinkler style all over the table where we were playing cards. And then of course it was so funny I started to cry. It's a good thing the only wet stuff pouring on everyone this weekend came from my face and not the over-achieving storm clouds we've been getting this summer. You're welcome.

Friday, August 14, 2009

How To Pick Up Chicks

Remember this guy? He's the one who left this woman 2 phone messages with gem lines such as:

"You're an extremely elegant woman. I couldn't take my eyes off you, and your friends were very jealous, even if they say they weren't..." "But nobody says 'Call me,' hands a person a business card and then doesn't return calls. It's extremely passive aggressive. You should actually look that up, passive-aggressive personality disorder."

If you have yet to hear this, I highly recommend it.

First of all, kudos for the lady who posted this. Second, it looks like they have finally found out who this is. His name is Dimitri and he has a website about how to pick up chicks. Oh, and he's also Canadian. Go figure.

To save you some time, I uploaded the first page here (click on for larger view):

Not My Idea Of a Good Time

Do not, I repeat NOT watch this if you don't want to have a huge case of the confuseds. Let's just say this is exactly why I don't invite abortion doctors, models, managers, French maids or anti-choice shoulder pad wearing jew fro mullet heads to my house for dinner.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

With a Bang

God bless America. Now you can kill someone from the comfort of your own bed. Why take the time to search for the shoebox, load the bullets, wake up, realize that noise is just caused by your 3 year old daughter going potty or rub the sleep out of your eyes when you can just point and shoot while reclined?

The Boss

So I'm playing a little practical joke on my boss, (oh, the antics at a hedge fund!), and as such I needed to do some research on Google. I found an article that said this about her:

"[Bosslady] is definitely feminine, but she has a clarity and an authority you rarely find in a woman."

Now what the heck is that supposed to mean? I'm clear. I'm authoritative. I just want you to want to say I'm clear and authoritative. Is that too much to ask? And how come you never buy me flowers? My uterus's feelings are hurt. I need chocolate.

Hannah and Her Cherries

Well if there's something this country needs right now, it's definitely more subtlety.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

But Really

My Boss's Twin 7 year old Nieces (to Bosslady): Why are you wearing those curlers?

Their Mom: She's on a TV show. She's like an actress.

My Boss's Twin 7 year old Nieces (to Bosslady): What do you act in?

Bosslady: I'm on a cable business show. I act like I know what I'm talking about.

Not Just An Elephant Anymore

Hey guys, sorry so late but I had a voice over session this morning. It was fun- I was in the same studio as the "Dannon Girls", you know the ladies in the radio spot who sit around and talk about how they can't believe Dannon is only 80 calories a serving? I have actually had these conversations with my female friends but they usually go something like this:

Girl 1: Hey, did you know Dannon is only 80 calories a serving?

Girl 2: Shut the fuck up.

Girl 1: No, seriously.

Girl 2: You're a goddamn liar.

Anyway, I had a nice talk with one Dannon Girl, because the director of my project was running late, about Brooklyn, etc. Turns out she lives in a neighborhood near me called DUMBO (which stands for Down Under the Manhattan Bridge Overpass for my Canadian friend(s)). We started talking about how while it is a beautiful location, EVERY movie, commercial and music video in the last 10 years films on the exact same site there. Basically whenever a production wants to look hip yet still have a view of Manhattan, they film on the waterfront in DUMBO.

So the Dannon Girls go into their studio and finally the director of my spot shows up.

"Sorry I'm late," she said, out of breath, "I had to do some location scouting for a commercial."

"Oh, really? Where?" I ask.



Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Well Here We Go Again

So Obama is going to speak today about health care, and MSNBC is reporting that the police are allowing a protester with a gun in the crowd. Now, I'm all about the 2nd Amendment rights (not really) and I understand that the guy legally has a right to be there and chances are he won't shoot anyway. The cops might kindly ask him to leave before Obama speaks, or they'll just keep an eye on him. But what worries me more is that the guy thought it would be okay to show up with his unconcealed firearm to protest against President Barack Obama, the country's first black president, who receives 400 % more death threats than any other US President. I'd like to mention that he's carrying a sign that says, "It Is Time to Water the Tree of Liberty" which is a reference to the famous Thomas Jefferson quote: "The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time, with the blood of patriots and tyrants."

Now, I don't know about you but that takes all sorts of balls. Considering the vitriolic rhetoric the right has been expressing lately, not to mention all the lonely kooks that are being encouraged by said hate speak, we have ourselves a pretty tense situation. Did that guy really need to bring his gun along? What the hell does he think is going to happen to him between the car ride from whatever rock he crawled out of and the church grounds where the talk will be at 4 in the afternoon? Or is it hunting season? Either way, I think it's a pretty ridiculous thing to do. But hey, it is a free country.

And while I'm on this high horse (mind you I'll never be as high as I was yesterday from all that Benadryl), may I also add that I would like to start a group called the AfterBirthers? I have no idea what we'd stand for but I think it sounds kinda cool.

Who Let The Crazy Out

Now, you know I love me a good conspiracy theory but HOLY NALGAS this woman is insane. She says that not only is she the biological mother of all 3 Jackson children, but that Connor, Tom Cruise's adopted kid, is Michael Jackson's real son but he didn't want him because he was too black so he gave him to Tom Cruise and...zzzzzzzzzzzz... who cares?

Well apparently enough people do to let her have a "press conference". This is what happens when the media let anyone with a hairbrained scheme in great need of anti-psychotic medications get access to a microphone (re: Sarah Palin). This clip is better when you play circus music in the background, which, luckily for me, always happens in my head when someone crazy is talking.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Help Me

Okay, thankfully the Benadryl is wearing off, which is nice because I seriously could not deal with another moment of complete incoherence. But my mind is still racing from one weird thought to another. Here's what's going on in my head right now, and has been for the last half hour:

"Smooth operataaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. Smooooooth operataaaaaaah. Coast to coast down into Key Largo, Western saaaaaaaaaaaail. Coast to coast and into Key Largo, love for saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaale. Smooth operataaaaaaaaaah Smoooooth operataaaaaaaaaaaaaaah..."

I can't get that song out of my head and I hope now you can't either.

Allergic to Work

I'm not gonna lie, I'm as high as a kite right now. I just had another weird allergic reaction and started getting hives on my arms and neck. Hot, I know. So I went down to Duane Reade to get the fast acting Benadryl strips, but all they had was the fast acting dissolving children's Benadryl. So I took 5 of those (the box said adults can take 4- I'm such a rebel). Seriously, I can't work under these conditions. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to concentrate on keeping my head up and my mouth from drooling on the keyboard.

Friday, August 07, 2009

Dressing Up

I want this dress from this place. I can't afford it because of my dog's unexpected urinary tract infection. Apparently the only cure is a lot of money. But a girl can dream. Isn't it nice?

Das Freschmakker

When you let an 8 year old play with your iPhone, it's amazing what you'll find in it the next day. I'm glad we got a picture of those Mentos I bought her. Did I mention I loaded her up on sugar before I dropped her off? She ate that entire roll in 5 minutes.

Take That, Barbie

In today's Huh? What? News, we have a very special doll that breastfeeds.

Bebe Gloton, the Spanish wunderkind, is the first baby doll that can actually suckle on your breasts. But if you are under 12, and let's face it, if you play with dolls you probably are, this doll comes with a halter top thing that you strap on that acts like boobs. The weird thing is the strap on boobs are also flat, and instead of nipples there are flowers. So... I guess that makes it not weird? You can watch a super creepy video of it below. Notice how long it takes the girl to put on her halter.

The tagline for the toy translates into, "Because you shouldn't have to wait until you have breasts before you start breastfeeding your baby."

Punch A Hippie In The Face Day

So I actually almost punched a hippie in the f@#king face yesterday.

As you can tell from the previous post, I had to pick up my boss's kid at their home and safely deliver her to her studio for a photo shoot. I get to my boss's place, helped myself to a cheese stick, borrowed her NY Post and waited for her kid to show up from camp. Finally she gets there, and we already have a crisis- the clothes she had put out for her daughter for the photo shoot were accidentally put away by the housekeeper, and we couldn't find them. Now, me and my debit card had a hot date with Bed Bath and Beyond later, so I needed to get this sorted out right quick. I told the eccentric 8 year old to dress herself and she did. I had to send my boss a text apologizing in advance for her choice of clothes. Let's just say that if Punky Brewster and a Midwest Wall Mart shopper collided, that's what you'd get. Turquoise leggings, ratty purple shirt with a cartoon or a band on it or something. And we're off.

The subway experience was relatively smooth. The trains weren't too crowded, and people were generally really polite when it came to the fact that I was dragging around an 8 year old color explosion. Finally we get to Times Square and we're about to cross the street when it happened. The massive protesters wearing big white boards with dead people on them started to swarm around us. They, too, were waiting for the light to change. I guess yesterday was the anniversary of Hiroshima. For me it usually gets overshadowed by the fact that I think my father's birthday is around this time, and he is a disaster of another degree. But back to the hippies.

So now my boss's daughter can't help but notice we are being surrounded by these white board people and so I explained, "Those are protesters. They're marching to show that they don't like bombs." And that's when it happened. The rattiest one of them all, you know the type, white middle aged white woman who was probably raised in Connecticut, she's the buzzkill of parties, really angry all the time and can't keep her mouth shut. Mind you, I am a proud feminist, liberal and borderline socialist, so I generally have a very high tolerance for this kind of stuff. But seriously, don't ever approach a child. She actually had the balls to turn to my boss's daughter and start lecturing her about Hiroshima, then turns to me all, "You should be teaching her this stuff!"

If looks could kill, we'd have a dead smelly tree hugger on our hands. That bi@#h made me wish I had a rifle made out of baby seal fur, Styrofoam and the blood of oil-tanker-spill slicked doves. Instead of giving her what she wanted I just muttered something about, "Yeah, I was trying to talk to her about it..."

The light changed, I grabbed the girl's hand and we sprinted across the street. Almost safely to our destination I turned to her and said, "What do you think, do we need bombs?"

She thinks about it and goes, "Well at least for movies."

Thursday, August 06, 2009

Today's Job

Whoo boy. In about a half an hour I get to go up to my boss's place, wait for her kid, make the kid take a shower and get all pretty, then take her on a subway to Times Square where my boss is doing a photo shoot at her studio. I guess her daughter is going to do some glamour shots with mom. Seeing as how I can barely get myself ready in the morning, this job may be a bit challenging.

In Case You Were Wondering

Wednesday, August 05, 2009

It's Just...

In today's WTF Is This Forever 21 Getup, we have what is called the "Ruched Knit Romper" but affectionately referred to as the "I Want To Both Swim And Ride A Bike At The Same Time Schizophrenic Halter Thing". I mean, I have a bathing suit that is similar to this, but it is awesome and way way shorter than this monstrosity. If one of Ann Coulter's uniform black dresses she wears on a daily basis were to have relations with Lance Armstrong's closet, this is what you get. I don't even know what kind of shoes to wear when you put this on to go on a ho stroll. Really, Forever 21.

Goodbye, Idol

So it looks like Paula Abdul is leaving American Idol, or at least that's what she says on Twitter. I'm not gonna lie- I'm going to miss her special brand of crazy. Who else can we count on to cry and babble on nonsensically? Not Kara DiWhatever, that's for damn sure. I'll probably still watch Idol but in honor of the P-Train I'll be really really drunk.

Tuesday, August 04, 2009

Lil Kim

So Bill Clinton went to North Korea and managed to free those two journalists. I'm actually pretty happy about this; I can't imagine what it must have been like for them. Anyway, there were a few conditions Clinton had to agree to:

1. Clinton will forever have to tell Kim Jong Il how tall he is
2. Il gets a lifelong subscription to Netflix, and unlike the current premium plan he can get up to 10 movies at a time
3. Obama will visit Il "sometime soon"
4. Il gets his own unedited Facebook page with 452,682,749,735,738 fans built in
5. Il gets to have dinner with High School Musical's Zac Effron
6. Michael Moore, Bill Maher and the South Park guys will be delivered for an extended "guided tour" of North Korea and its lovely mountains
7. Free pie!

Name This

OK kids, I need your help. Every day this store Modcloth does a contest called "Name it and Win it". It's really complicated but basically, if you suggest a name and they pick it, you win the dress. Today's dress is this one below. But for today's rules, the name HAS to start with a letter B. Also, usually the name tells a story- past dresses include, "Flea Marketing Dress" which makes you visualize what you'd wear to go on a casual shopping excursion or "The Rainforest Maxi Dress", which reminds you of the time you were caught in the Rainforest when your period started. So if you help me name this dress and I win, I'll give you something awesome.

Monday, August 03, 2009

BROWSing Jobs

Wow, that cancels so many people I know out.

Mucho Nada

When you finally get over that last post (it was a doozy, I know) let's talk about how weird it was. Kidding! I don't ever want to revisit that, even in my worst dreams. No, let's talk about something non-controversial. Like Lou Dobbs.

At first he was like a mild itch- it stings, you scratch it, then it's gone. But what you don't realize is that it's not any old itch, it's a bite from a deadly spider. Who also happens to be 1,353 years old. Like Lou Dobbs.

It itches, it stings, it tries to take away your drivers license, then the wound does some ridiculous s@#t like take a far, far right wing group of bigots who don't like Barack Obama because he is half black, and gives them legitimacy by confirming their stupid questions on its show. What a f@#ked up wound. But I ask you, Mr. Dobbs, if you are so American, then why do you have a Mexican ID card?

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