A day by day and often hourly account of a temp

Friday, October 31, 2008

First Amendments

Palin recently said in a radio interview: "If [the media] convince enough voters that that is negative campaigning, for me to call Barack Obama out on his associations, then I don't know what the future of our country would be in terms of First Amendment rights and our ability to ask questions without fear of attacks by the mainstream media."

Guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh first of all the First Amendment guarantees freedom of the press so I don't even know what to say about attacking the press for reporting. Second, quit complaining. Everything that comes out of her mouth is absolutely ridiculous. It reminds me of a Palin joke I just heard but feel it is too crass for even me to repeat. If you don't know it, you can ask me later.


Archaeologists have recently discovered a piece of pottery from a jar or a flower pot with Hebrew text that dates back 3,000 years. Early interpretations of the text were difficult to decipher but experts have recognized specific words such as Wall, Mart, and the symbol for the modern day equivalent of 2.99 shekels.


I'm so glad it's warm out because my Halloween costume is a bit drafty.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Big City Girl

For those of you that don't know, I am no longer a temp. I was a bartender for seven years, then a temp for half a year, and when I found this job where I could get a salary, health insurance, free lunch and come and go as I please, I decided to accept the offer. You see, I am also a writer and an actress and as such there are times where I have to leave for an audition, shoot or performance.

I was hesitant to take this job because in reality, I don't identify myself as an Executive Assistant and doing so might somehow imply that I am no longer artistic. So I could keep temping here at half the pay and no insurance, or, make it a done deal and milk the cow for all it's worth. But the kicker is- there is no such thing as a permanent situation. Much like Buddhists believe, the only absolute in life is death. I could always quit, they could always fire me, who knows. So whilst I am a permanent employee, I still feel pretty tempy. Feeling Tempy is not just a kick ass blog- it's a state of mind.

I had to explain this to you before I go on to my next point. So here goes.

I am Tempy the Executive Assistant. I am also KH the Actress. I do a lot. You could easily say I work several jobs. One doesn't pay well but fullfills me, and one pays the bills and fills my stomach. But I'm not the one anyone talks about in this election.

For some reason, Big Cities have been shunned as "Elitist" in this election; towns of hedonistic money grubbing fat cats. The truth is that Big Cities are exactly that: Big Cities. They are huge communities of the rich and the poor, artsy and the business minded, the natives and the transplants. There is more diversity in one subway car than you will find any day at the UN. Oh, did I mention New York City hosts the UN? We are a representation of people who live, work, eat, sleep and breathe community. Literally. If you've ever had to live in a building like mine full of a klepto, a schitzophrenic and a pyromaniac, and in my case they all happen to be just one woman, you'd make friends with your other neighbors real fast. I see and talk to almost 50 different people daily. I work my ass off during the day and spend many nights in rooms with musicians, actors or directors. You ever had to do that? Actors are fucking nuts.

Recently a friend of mine came down with cancer and he needs help. Currently the community is organizing a benefit to help him and all of my friends and neighbors are going to help out in any way they can. If that's elitist then I'm the mother fucking Queen of England.

My friends consist of photographers, hedge fund analysts, students, waiters, carpenters, non profit administrators, lawyers, electricians... I could go on.

Don't get me wrong, there is definitely clear distribution of classes in my city. But it is the fact that Big Cities are so representational of all kinds of people that only reinforces the glorious American spirit that we have.

On September 11th the World Trade Center in New York and the Pentagon in Washington DC were attacked by terrorists. Two major cities that symbolized both the financial and political strength were targeted for these symbolic purposes, among others. We know what it's like to suffer at the hands of terrorists but we have also seen as the years have passed how we have all suffered from the primal fear these attacks created. Our country has been through a lot and the last thing we needed was for the Government to exploit this fear for their own purposes.

Now our major US cities are being attacked again, but this time by the hateful rhetoric of the McCain/Palin campaign. Un-American? Un-Patriotic? Elitist? It is not only wrong but utterly despicable to use these divisive tactics to paint another candidate as "out of touch" with the "real" America. And yes, those are the same "air quotes" John Mc Cain uses when he talks about the "health" of the "mother".

So McCain/Palin campaign, if you want to ask for votes, ask everyone. Any suggestion that some Americans are more important than others is an outright insult to all Americans. And if that's the case, in one week, I won't be the only one that's Feeling Tempy.


So last night Obama took the airwaves for half an hour to address the American people. It was pretty awesome except at the end where he offered to throw in the free salad chopper if I called within the first 20 minutes. That aside, I actually got a bit misty at the end. He really is an inspirational figure.

For those of you that don't know, there were actually several different versions of this address. We here at TempyCo© have found the original script from one of those:

"Why, hello America, fancy meeting you here. What a pleasant surprise. You see, I wasn't expecting your visit.

America, we have got to... oh, please, come closer. Step into the light where I can see you. Ah, yes. You look good. Dare I say? Full of hope? Ha ha! Oh America. What you and I could do together.

You smell nice. I smell nice too, see? It's Eau D'Change. No, it's not French, it's American, baby. Home spun from Eaud, Iowa. Made by a farmer, just like you.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahmerica. You look scared. I understand. This economy is a huge problem. And it's just been so long and hard. Very very long and very very hard.

What's that? Why yes, I am stroking myself. I am stroking myself with the big hand of freedom. Does that frighten you? Imagine how the terrorists must feel. Ah, now you're with me.

Hey, I have a question for you, baby. How do you feel about taxes? Guess what? Gone. Just for you, my pet. And the 95% of Americans that make less than $150,000 a year. You know what? Screw that, let's make it $200,000. Yeah, I make magic with numbers. Poof. That's what a big dose of change with a shot of hope shaken with honesty and served straight up with a twist of prosperity tastes like. Mmmmmmmm delicious."

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Not a Game Show

Well normally Japanese entertainment freaks me out but this is pretty cute:

Prayin' Palin

Palin4Pres2012 (10:53:06 AM): Haaaaaaaaaaaay JC!

Palin4Pres2012 (10:53:21 AM): It's me, your gal Sarah Palin!

Jesus243 (10:53:22 AM): Oh, hey.

Palin4Pres2012 (10:53:30 AM): WHATSSA MATTER???

Palin4Pres2012 (10:53:43 AM): U seem down :/

Jesus243 (10:53:46 AM): oh it's jothing

Jesus243 (10:53:51 AM): nothing

Palin4Pres2012 (10:53:53 AM): someone needs a God Squeeze

Jesus243 (10:53:59 AM): ha ha

Palin4Pres2012 (10:54:01 AM): C'mon! We're gonna WIN!!!

Jesus243 (10:54:01 AM): well that's the thing Sarah

Palin4Pres2012 (10:54:04 AM): What

Jesus243 (10:54:04 AM): I don't know if u will and maybe

Palin4Pres2012 (10:54:07 AM): DON'T BE SO DOWN!!!

Jesus243 (10:54:08 AM): well it's kinda my doing

Jesus243 (10:54:12 AM): I'm… voting 4 Obama

Palin4Pres2012 (10:54:12 AM): HAHHAHAHHAHAHHA good one Jesus

Palin4Pres2012 (10:54:21 AM): LOLOLOLZZZZZZ

Jesus243 (10:54:29 AM): Sarah, your campaign has been anything but what I or my father believe in

Palin4Pres2012 (10:54:32 AM): yr good, Jezzzzx

Palin4Pres2012 (10:54:34 AM): so funny!

Jesus243 (10:54:39 AM): Sarah, remember the time you prayed that the gays in yr town died so to show you that was wrong I made that hurricaine to ruin your and Todd's hunting trip?

Palin4Pres2012 (10:54:42 AM): that was u???

Palin4Pres2012 (10:55:03 AM): no

Jesus243 (10:55:28 AM): I was pissed

Jesus243 (10:55:35 AM): u kno my feelings were hurt

Palin4Pres2012 (10:55:49 AM): yr just messing with meee!

Jesus243 (10:57:39 AM): and Obama has some really great points about healthcare

Jesus243 (10:57:41 AM): and education

Palin4Pres2012 (10:57:44 AM): but he's a socialist

Jesus243 (10:57:44 AM): my dads a socialist

Palin4Pres2012 (10:57:48 AM): c'mon

Jesus243 (10:57:57 AM): he invented them

Jesus243 (10:58:00 AM): and furthermore, I'm pretty sure Obama's economic policy will work

Jesus243 (10:58:11 AM): I mean, and if it doesn't I can always pull a few strings

Palin4Pres2012 (10:58:17 AM): oh ur funny!!!

Palin4Pres2012 (10:59:34 AM): ok I see

Palin4Pres2012 (10:59:36 AM): YER TESTIN' ME!

Jesus243 (10:59:46 AM): No Sarah, this isn't a test.

Jesus243 (10:59:51 AM): I don't have times for tests

Palin4Pres2012 (10:59:52 AM): I'm still a prayin to ya!

Jesus243 (10:59:56 AM): please stop

Palin4Pres2012 (11:00:01 AM): everrrry day!

Jesus243 (11:00:03 AM): and that's another thing- the praying, I mean, I've got a lot going on

Palin4Pres2012 (11:00:06 AM): LOVE YA!

Jesus243 (11:00:10 AM): I wish I didn't have to love everyone.

Palin4Pres2012 (11:00:12 AM): what's that supposta mean?

Palin4Pres2012 (11:00:19 AM): HAHHAH

Palin4Pres2012 (11:00:19 AM): ok MR. BIZZEE GUY but I'm gonna pray for my people!

Jesus243 signed off at 11:00:25 AM


Things I've Learned in the Last 5 Days
  1. Ticks are not just folklore. They really do exist and they really will get on your dog.
  2. Insurance companies are horrible.
  3. Just because Netflix recommends a movie does not mean it is good.
  4. Netflix is not a person so you cannot get too angry.
  5. My friends are not just friends, they are my family.
  6. Sarah Palin is officially off her meds.
  7. My dog is getting older and not wiser but he is still cute.
  8. If you leave your ringer on at night in case of "emergency calls" you cannot get mad when an "emergency" involves a drunk neighbor calling you about feeding her cat.
  9. When you call someone to feed your cat at 3am they will not remember the next morning.
  10. Cats are pretty resilient.
  11. I remembered to feed the cat at the last minute so don't hate.
  12. When the Corporate Coffee people call to "set up a meeting" don't say yes just to get them off the phone.
  13. When, months after the conversation, you get a call that the Corporate Coffee Person is downstairs, you should let them up even if you forgot you had a meeting.
  14. Okay, the Corporate Coffee Person wasn't so bad. He's getting us a good deal on Lavazza pods.
  15. I'm hungry.

Hey, Remember Her?

Remember Victoria Jackson from SNL fame? She was the one who played the blonde ditz in mostly every role. Acting! Well, where is she now?

Besides keeping up an impressive website and promoting her new album, "Ukulele Ditties for Itty Bitty Kiddies", she is also a raving religious nutjob. Take this latest quote from her blog:

"Thank you President George W. Bush along with God above and the brave soldiers in the US military for keeping us safe, these last 7 years, from terrorist attacks on our homeland. I really appreciate it very much. xxoo You did a Great job! And, Thank you God for giving us George W. Bush, and for giving us John McCain and Sarah Palin.

...We must in all seriousness ask if Barack Hussein Obama could be a Muslim terrorist sympathizer or a Marxist mole. His closest friends include Communists, domestic and Muslim terrorists, racists and convicted felons.

...I don't want a political label, but Obama bears traits that resemble the anti- Christ and I'm scared to death that un- educated people will ignorantly vote him into office."

Ho boy! Well I don't know about you but that swung my vote.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008


Hey! Anyone PMSing like me and totally want to cry? This is a story about a dog who tried to save these kittens from a fire. Watch 'till the end and then tell me if your eyes are still dry.

Let's Learn Vocabulary!

Busy Day

Monday, October 27, 2008

Stump This

As we all know, Sarah Palin has been going off script lately much to the chagrin of the McCain campaign. Here is the latest transcript from her recent speech in Florida:

GOV. PALIN: Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Thank you for that kind introduction. And it is so good to have all of you here today.


Thank you so much for that very, very warm welcome to the state of Florida. You take my breath away. Thank you, Florida.


The flags are beautiful. Thank you for that also. God bless America. You guys get it. Thank you.


It's great to be here in the home of the Tampa Bay Rays, too.


So the last time that our campaign came to Florida it was up in the villages and it was so much fun. Thousands of people out there. Golf carts everywhere. We got such a kick out of that, that was cool. Thousands of people out there to hear our message of reform and positive change. And they came there like you today because the people of Florida are ready to shake things up in Washington.


So John McCain and I, we are taking our cause and our case for reform to every voter of every background in every region of America. But before we talk about that, I'ma gonna go off the script if you will, and talk to ya about some real important issues.


You see, my advisers don't want me to talk about the fact that I didn't CHOOSE these clothes and that I really do all my shopping in Alaskan consignment stores run by Korean war vets and their disabled children.

(Silence. A clap.)

I mean heck, I am Josephine six pack!


I'll be donatin' all these highfalutin clothes to charity after this election! And I'll tell you what, when I run in 2012 and I have my own advisers you'll all see some real changes in my campaign! First of all, I'll have Todd be my VP, isn't that some change you can really believe in?!?


And I'll tell you what else, I will talk about William Ayers and Jeremiah Wright and...


... and Barack Obamas pallin' around with Nazis.

(Silence. One cheer.)

So maybe we haven't got this race in the bag, doesn't mean that we still can't fit in it!


So vote for me- Sarah Palin in 2012!

(Raucous cheers.)


Hey guys! So I got back from the country and oh man was it fun. Well, it was fun until my dog got a tick on his sensitive under-parts. He was such a good boy as two people held him down while I gave him 3rd degree burns and a woman named Mary from the Dunkin Donuts service station poked at him until she scraped the head out. Fun! But then she gave my dog munchkins and it was the best day of his life.

Speaking of best day ever, seriously this weekend was awesome. Maybe the best part was not having phone or internets. It's nice to be back I guess but my dog seems really confused like, was that all a dream? Then I have to put Neosporin on his wound and he remembers. Oh, he remembers.

Rogue Mrs.

This is what I woke up to this morning and I thought it was pretty awesome:

Thursday, October 23, 2008


Hey guys, I just saw Wonder Woman on the street! You know, Linda Carter. I grew up watching that show and man, was she an inspiration for me.

Speaking of inspiration, I have to give a shout out to may man Jonah, whom you may also know from his Adventures in Brooklyn blog fame. Well a few months ago he was diagnosed with lymphatic melanoma and is getting out of the hospital today for his second round of surgeries. The first tumor was in a lymph node in his groin, hence the Groinstrong bracelets (in response to the Lance Armstrong Livestrong bracelets) our friends made. Everyone in the neighborhood wears one, it's pretty awesome.

Anyway, for more info about his story, check out Groinstrong.com.

And now a picture of my dog wearing a Groinstrong bracelet:

The Other White America

Budweiser? Check.
Gun? Check.
Palin shirt? Check.

Well darnit, looks like SOMEONE stole the idea for my ensemble this weekend in the country. On an unrelated note, I would like to smack these two upside the head.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Endorse This

PalinLadyPrez (2:09:33 PM): Hey! Hey it's you!

PalinLadyPrez (2:09:37 PM):Hello?

Powell4Obama (2:10:06 PM): Oh. hi.

PalinLadyPrez (2:10:09 PM): Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey General Powell!!!

PalinLadyPrez (2:10:11 PM): How are ya?

Powell4Obama (2:10:13 PM): Good. Real good. Yourself?

PalinLadyPrez (2:10:15 PM): the usual! THX FOR THE ENDORSEMENT

Powell4Obama (2:10:15 PM): Ms. Palin, there's no need to get sarcastic. As I explained to you and Mr. McCain, it's not personal. You are a very distinguished

PalinLadyPrez (2:10:32 PM): Whaddaya mean?

Powell4Obama (3:15:28 PM): woman.

PalinLadyPrez (3:15:42 PM): Wait U didn't endorse us?

Powell4Obama (3:16:19 PM): Uh, no. I endorsed Obama. As you can see by my AOL handle and my avitar

PalinLadyPrez (3:16:30 PM): Oh,no it's ok!!!

PalinLadyPrez (3:17:01 PM): We got LOTSA endorsements!
Powell4Obama (3:18:29 PM): Great!

PalinLadyPrez (3:17:03 PM): U kno, NY Post, Donald Trump, Meg Whitman

PalinLadyPrez (3:17:03 PM): our lord and savior Jesus Christ, Elisabeth Hasselbeck,

Powell4Obama (3:19:31 PM): I'm sorry, what was that?

PalinLadyPrez (3:20:03 PM): Meg Whitman! The creator of eBay duh

Powell4Obama (3:16:19 PM): No, after that. You said Jesus Christ

PalinLadyPrez (3:16:30 PM): I kno he's such a big deal!

PalinLadyPrez (3:17:01 PM): Such a nice guy
Powell4Obama (3:18:29 PM): Jesus Christ did not endorse you

PalinLadyPrez (3:17:03 PM): Well I guess ya gotta wait ta find out!

Powell4Obama (3:19:31 PM): Find out what?

PalinLadyPrez (3:20:03 PM): Oh gotta go!

Sarah: The Musical

Please watch this musical version of the infamous response:

A Proposal

If you've been reading my blog you know that I'm a little obsessed with politics. Particularly this election. And as such, it came to my attention that if McCain wins, I might have to take advantage of my French citizenship. But then I thought, I love this country too much. I love this country too much to not take someone with me. So just in case, I have decided to start the first ever "Who Wants To Marry Tempy For EU Status" competition.

Here's how it works. Men and women can enter; we'll figure something out. Just email me here at Ask Tempy (asktempy (at) gmail (dot) com), and tell me why it is you think we'd get on swell. It could be anything- favorite foods, movies you think we'd both like, the more personal the better. From these I will pick one lucky winner who, if McCain wins, I will marry live via web feed on this blog. I am dead serious.

So go ahead, send me your emails, don't be shy. Let's get to know each other.



New Job

Man, she's busy.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Oh And

Dear Future Self and Present Me,

Can we please stop fighting? Can't we just work together?


Your Waistline

Another Letter

Dear Present Me,

Fuck you. No, seriously. I'm the one who has to get up early and go to the gym. I'm the one who has to politely pass up snacks and I'm the one who has to represent your sorry ass. No, I can't do this anymore. That's it. I'm gonna eat cookies all day too, what do you think about that? Clearly you can't stop me unless you learn how to time travel and everyone knows that's impossible.


Your Future Self

An Open Letter

Dear Future Self,

I am very sorry I ate that piece of fudge and that cookie with lunch. It's just that the investment firm we work with sent the free sandwiches, sodas and dessert platter to us an I was like, why the hey not, right?

I now realize that might have been a mistake.

In my efforts to lose my little pooch I have been eating right and exercising, and I know that my binge has taken us back a few steps.

Also, even though they are touted as "low fat" I should not have eaten that handful of Pringles. But after the chocolate I figured, you know, when in Rome.

Anyway, have fun working that off. It's all up to you.


The Present Me

Bubble Head

This... didn't have to be so weird.

Please promise me you are not on drugs before you see this.

Soapbox, Please

Okay, first of all, it's nice to have a forum like this to get things off my chest. And let me say that this was not my original intention for having a blog. I started this two years ago at my first temp job at JP Morgan, because not only did those bastards test my urine, but denied me email access. I started a blog just so I could have a voice to the outside world. If you need proof go ahead and check out my first posts.

But years later I found a job that lets me email, eat for free, nap and blog, and as such I am taking full advantage of this. So I have something I would like to discuss with you.

Recently Sarah Palin said this at a campaign rally in Greensboro, NC:
"We believe that the best of America is in these small towns that we get to visit, and in these wonderful little pockets of what I call the real America, being here with all of you hard working very patriotic, um, very, um, pro-America areas of this great nation."

Seriously? I mean, I know a lot has already been said about this but I am so sick of feeling like I don't count in this country because I live in a big city or I don't work in a steel mill or I exercise the great right of dissent bestowed upon us by our founding fathers. That's what makes this country so great. It's like being trapped in a loveless marriage where the couple never argue but are creepy and make everyone uncomfortable at parties, versus the couple that talk about their relationship and make compromises and listen to each other and then have hot sex in the coat room and everyone at the party is like, "Oh, those two."

Where was I? Oh, yeah. The definition of patriotism. If I have to hear one more time someone proudly say that they are voting for a certain party just because, "That's what I've always done. No matter what," well I have news for you- that's not patriotic, that's a heaping load of lazy to the detriment of our great country. And if you are "undecided" because you "don't know what the candidates stand for," fuck you, that's even worse. Go ahead and exercise your right not to vote but don't tell me it's because you don't know what they stand for. Hey dingbell, why don't you get off your couch and check out the internets- these candidates have websites. And if you are an informed voter who is voting a certain way for your own personal reasons, that's great- don't you ever call anyone in this country un-American or not "pro America". There is no such thing, unless you are a secessionist.

Speaking of secessionists you know who is actually Anti-America? Sarah Palin. Yeah, that's right. Go on, read it here or any other thousands of news sites that have talked about this. Her husband Todd Palin was a member of the Alaska Independence Party from 1995 to 2002 and she has spoken at many of there conventions. According to the LA Times, AIP's founder, Joe Vogler, told an interviewer in 1991: "The fires of hell are frozen glaciers compared to my hatred for the American government. ... And I won't be buried under their damn flag."

Un-American. Yes, yes that is actually un-American. Questioning our government to make Anmerica a better place to live? Very patriotic. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to have hot make up sex with Uncle Sam in the coat room. While I'm doing that please enjoy this clip from my boyfriend Jon Stewart.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Facebook Page

Joe Biden is campaigning campaigning campaigning 6 minutes ago - comment

Sarah Palin is didjya see me on SNL? That's spreadin' the wealth! 8 minutes ago - comment

Colin Powell is avoiding the phone 11 minutes ago - comment

Joe Lieberman is attending You Know I Am But Who Am I self awareness lecture, Friday the 24th - comment

Joe the Plumber tagged his Dad in a photo
"That's my old man!!!"

John McCain
is now friends with Everyone

Barack Obama has posted a video

Spaghetti Cat

"OMG you guys did u see this???"

Hee Haw

So I saw Equus on Broadway this weekend, the show about a tormented young stable boy who blinds 6 horses and the psychiatrist who tries to figure out why he did it. That's the plot, really. The production starts young Daniel Radcliffe of Harry Potter fame. It was a wonderful production, but don't take my word for it. Here are some reviews.

Equus as Reviewed by a Journalist:
"This glorious revival of Equus is a dark exploration into a young man's troubled soul played with haunting accuracy by Daniel Radcliffe. Richard Griffiths is magnificent as the psychiatrist assigned to his case who finds that insanity is in the eye of the beholder, so to speak. The story centers around 17 year old Alan Strang, who has just been brought into the Doctor's office to find out why he committed this horrible crime. What unfolds is a disturbing exploration of Strang's obsession with religion, sex, and his fascination with horses. Some of Strang's odd behaviors included staring at the horses for hours and secretly riding on them at night while naked. It is his sexual awakenings and fixations that culminate to the distressing final scenes of reveal where the young Strang attacks the horses, naked as he was when he was affectionately riding them. The Doctor is given the difficult task to explain what can turn a seemingly normal young boy into a twisted criminal. With set design by the amazing John Napier and and all star cast, this production lets you be the judge. And my verdict is awesome."

Equus as Reviewed by a Closeted Homosexual Journalist:
"One can easily argue that this revival of Equus is one of the best to date. The cast is strong, the set incredibly effective and choreography of the actors playing the horses hauntingly accurate. But it is the young Daniel Radcliffe that steals the show.

Radcliffe, known mostly from the Harry Potter fame, shines as Alan Strang, a confused young stable boy. He is short in stature yet strong in build, traits no doubt important to the symbolism of this character's unassuming power. When we first see him, he is topless, caressing a large stallion, rubbing it's chest with innocent affection, nuzzling up against him. From there audience's fascination with this character grows until the final climax when Strang strips down completely naked, bare and vulnerable. Strang's complex innocence is enhanced by Radcliffe's choice to trim but only a mere portion of his childlike, tenderfoot chest which trails down to his manhood nestled betwixt a thicket of nubile pubic locks. Such a bold choice for a young actor of only 18 years. It is at this point the director, Thea Sharrock, really takes charge by making the bold move to have young Radcliffe stay unclothed throughout the rest of the show, causing his appendages to freely flail about during the pivotal moment of the show. Unconstrained, Radcliffe accepts this daunting task with unapologetic gusto. Bravo to the young actor for giving such a raw, exposed performance."

Equus as Reviewed by a 14 Year Old Girl:
"I saw Harry Potter's dick!!! OMG!! OMG OMG!!!!!!!!!!"

Friday, October 17, 2008

Psst Psst

This is Bridget McCain, the center of a very scandalous smear campaign eight years ago that lost McCain the first go at the ticket. Basically there was a little thing called a "whisper campaign" where a rumor was started that McCain fathered an illegitimate black child, even though Bridget was actually adopted from an orphanage run by Mother Teresa in Bangladesh. Terrified with the prospect that John McCain once touched a black woman, the majority of Southerners freaked out and didn't vote for him. McCain was very affected by it, but not so affected that he isn't starting the same rumor about Barack Obama: that he fathered not one but two black children.

I digress; Obama cracked that joke at a dinner last night. But seriously folks, this kind of recent smear campaign tying Obama to terrorists is so absurd, that even Karl Rove cannot believe he didn't think of it.

"Hi, my daddy learned nothing."

Dear John

An open letter to John McCain from Local 453:

Senator McCain,

As hardworking members of Union Local 453, we were deeply discouraged to see at your last debate that you neglected to represent the whole of America by spotlighting merely one field of workers in your reference to Joe The Plumber. Yes, there is a small portion of the population that are plumbers, but what about the other people who aren't your typical doctors and lawyers? We would like a spotlight too.

If you are to represent the selfless men and women who helped to build the foundation for this great country with blood, sweat and good old American work ethic, please don't forget to mention us all.


Local 453
The union of Carneys, Water Taxi Drivers, Foley Artists, Gymboree Attendants and Paranormal Investigators.

Our Bush

"Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaah! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAgra. RAAAAAAAAAAA!"

Great Idea

I ran into a friend today on the train and we were chatting about work. One topic of conversation turned to the another and the next thing you know we were talking about how funny it would be to make a porno about hedge funds. I know, I know.

But what would it be called? After much discussion we came up with Hedge Fondlers. I'm sure there are more out there. Please feel free to share.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Lunch Time

I swear there's leaves and twigs in my veggie burger.

Out Of The Mouths of Babes

And now, the debate, as relayed by a teenage girl.

"Yo, so check this shit out. Barack and that old dude get on the stage and they're all, 'nice to see you' and I'm all, whatever let's get to this. So the first half hour they we just talkin' about money and this guy named Joe who I guess is like, a plumber and they would not stop talking about this guy and I'm like, hold up, bitches, who cares about a guy with butt-crack who can't pay his bills or whatever. So then finally the old dude was all, 'why you gotta be hanging around with terrorists and that weird liberal group Chestnut or Oak Tree' or some thing and stuff and Barack got crazy! I thought he was gonna whip out the vaseline and take his earrings out like, 'C'mon bitch- you want some?' and McCang or whatever is all, 'Yeah, I'll take some of that and serve it UP to you,' and I was like DAAAYUM. Then Rick called so I had to take it cuz he always calls at 9:45, it's like, his thing, and so then when I got back Barack was talkin' all about half born babies or some shit and I was like, ew, seriously? Gross and that Mac dude was like, 'abortion is wrong' and I was like, um ok, but get out of my uterus old man. That's so fucking gross, I don't know why old dudes like to talk about vaginas all the time.

I missed the end because Dianna texted me and was all, 'I need the math notes' and I was like, 'seriously? Do them yourself lazy fool' and she's such a bitch and I really think she stuffs."

Soccer? I Don't Even...

My boss's 11 year old kid in a soccer league. Here's a few examples of some of the team names.

Blue Steel
Pink Lava Lamps
Graffiti Penguins
Dominating Dolphins
Flaming Iguanas
The Buzzz
Team America
Red Bulls
Flaming Boogers

and my favorite:
A Squad

Yo Bama

You guys! You guys! Barack Obama is eating breakfast in the building next to my office! There's all this crazy security and shiz around my building!

That's almost exciting as this photo of Bristol Piper Palin flipping the bird:

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Dino Sore

And now, another episode of your favorite family saga...

SARAH: Oh, Bronco.

BRONCO: Whuh..what's the matter Sarah?

SARAH: Aw, heck. It's just that no one is takin' me seriously!

BRONCO: Whuh...whuy not Sarah?

SARAH: Well, first off, no one believes you exist!

BRONCO: You'll show them, Sarah. Guuuuuuuuuuuuh.

SARAH: I know. I mean, it's just so gosh darn frustratin' that they actually believe you guys have been extinct fer millions a' years!

BRONCO: Sad. So sad. Oh, Sarah. Well I... I outta go an show those "mister make fun's" a thing or two.

SARAH: Oh, Bronco it's OK. You don't need ta be doin' that on my account!

BRONCO: Suh...Sarah I'd do anything for you. Guuuuuuuh. I'da even eat...uh... eat those demicarts.

SARAH: You can't do THAT Bronco!

BRONCO: Whuh. why not Sarah?

SARAH: Cuz yer a herbivore!!!


(Tune in next week when Sarah accidentally invites Todd AND Bronco to a plus one fund raising dinner!)

Oh Grandma!

After joining the new Facebook Group, Sarah Palin Doesn't Know Shit About Fuck, I came across this blog post by an 82 year old woman- this is beyond hilarious. Please check it out if you get a chance.

Ad Nauseum

Oh no you guys, Just when you thought it was bad Remy came out with another round of ads!

Adver Teasing

Hey have you guys seen the new Remy Martin ad that says, "Things Are Getting Interesting," and there's pics of these giggling women in chains and another one of a dude interrupting them while they smile mischievously? Now I don't know what the heck they're implying, but I managed to get a copy of some of the ad slogans that were on the short list:

  • Remy Martin: Put The F Back in Friend
  • Remy Martin: Did Somebody Say Pillow Fight?
  • Remy Martin: It Makes You Forget You Are Straight
  • Remy Martin: Things Are Getting Weird
  • Remy Martin: Encouraging Bad Girls To Do Bad Things With Their Female Friends While Men Beat Off As They Watch And Eventually Join In Thus Creating What Is Commonly Referred To As A "Threesome"
  • Remy Martin: For When "I'm Married" Just Isn't An Excuse Anymore
  • Remy Martin: It's One Step Above Hennessy So You Better Put Out

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Sarah P

Palin4Prez2008 (4:01:25 PM): Hey Joe! JOOOEEE!!!

Biden/Obama08 (4:02:37 PM): Oh, hi Sarah.

Palin4Prez2008 (4:02:48 PM): How RU?

Palin4Prez2008 (4:02:55 PM): !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Palin4Prez2008 (4:03:07 PM): Totes craziness rtound here

Palin4Prez2008 (4:03:11 PM): Blah blah, McCain's totally takin' it to the streets u kno.

Biden/Obama08 (4:03:12 PM): That's great, Sarah.

Palin4Prez2008 (4:03:19 PM): Gloves are off!

Biden/Obama08 (4:04:42 PM): Depends are on. Ha.

Palin4Prez2008 (4:05:00 PM): What?

Palin4Prez2008 (4:15:13 PM): ???

Biden/Obama08 (4:15:24 PM): Depends. They're… diapers for older folks. It was a joke. I was just joking.

Palin4Prez2008 (4:15:30 PM): OH! LOLZZZZ!!!!!111!

Biden/Obama08 (4:15:35 PM): It was mean. Just forget it.

Palin4Prez2008 (4:28:53 PM): No that's frikkin' hilarioto!

Palin4Prez2008 (4:30:00 PM): UR 2 funny.

Palin4Prez2008 (4:31:13 PM): There you go

Biden/Obama08 (4:31:24 PM): Please don't finish that phrase

Palin4Prez2008 (4:32:30 PM): again, Joe!

Biden/Obama08 (4:33:35 PM): Please stop

Palin4Prez2008 (4:33:53 PM): Joe? Can I ask you something?

Palin4Prez2008 (4:34:00 PM): Can I?

Palin4Prez2008 (4:34:13 PM): Joe?

Biden/Obama08 (4:35:24 PM): YES fine

Palin4Prez2008 (4:35:30 PM): What'd u think of the debatez?

Biden/Obama08 (4:36:35 PM): It was very nice to meet u

Palin4Prez2008 (4:37:53 PM): No I mean, how did you feel?

Biden/Obama08 (4:38:35 PM): Oh. Uh, I felt that the foreign policy talk was good

Palin4Prez2008 (4:38:53 PM): No, I mean how did u feel about me KICKIN' YER ASS!!!

Palin4Prez2008 (4:39:00 PM): HAHHAHHAHHA!!! J

Palin4Prez2008 (4:39:13 PM): Joe?

Biden/Obama08 went away at 4:40:09 PM

4thBornChild (4:41:35 PM): Mama?

Palin4Prez2008 (4:43:53 PM): Piper? That you baby?

4thBornChild (4:43:35 PM): Mama please come home. Dad's taken up with that lady from the church and Trig hasn't had his diaper changed all day. Willow says itz my turn but I am too small to reach the changing table. Mama? Please.

Palin4Prez2008 (4:44:00 PM): Honey bear yer mama's gonna be VP!

Palin4Prez2008 (4:44:13 PM): Isn't that something?

4thBornChild (4:45:24 PM): Bristol's hit the prescription pills in your cabinet. Again. I have eaten nothing but uncooked Kraft Mac N Cheese for 3 days. Please come home.

Palin4Prez2008 (4:46:13 PM): You be good for mama!

4thBornChild (4:46:24 PM): Ok. I love you mama.

Palin4Prez2008 went away at 4:50:09 PM

Great Minds

Okay, these guys kind of stole my idea, but it's kind of really funny:

Sad Guys on Trading Floors

Rather Smart

My 2 new favorite ladies:


Yo I'm gonna be on French TV with my boss! They're doing a thing on her and she asked me to "play the analyst in a meeting w/her" because everyone here has massive stagefright and I clearly do not.

Monday, October 13, 2008

True Love

I first heard this story about a boy and girl in Germany during WWII on Oprah a long time ago. The boy was in a death camp when a girl in the neighborhood began throwing him apples every day over the fence that separated them so he could have some nourishment. He was taken away eventually and he lost his family but survived the war.

Many years later in America, he was set up on a blind date with some Polish chick and over dinner they started talking about the war. Turns out she was the apple girl. They have been married for 50 years.

My first love was my kindergarten boyfriend, but he left me for some snotty girl in the other classroom. I switched schools in first grade and never saw him again. So one day 18 years later I'm bartending in Brooklyn and this guy walks in and we get into a conversation about where we grew up and wouldn't you know it- it was him. So miracles do happen. No, we did not get married but I did hit him over the head with an appletini for leaving me for that tramp.

Comic Con

Upon further research, I have found some more questionable comics.

First, the obvious humor:

Ha ha get it? SPLOOGE! Second, the more subtle of comedy:

She is very observant. And finally, the absolutely strangest most incomprehensible one to date.

I have no idea what that is even supposed to mean. But mama like.

Old Comics


No Fun

Dang it! Michelle Obama will be speaking at my alma mater today at 4 and I can't go because I have to be at work and because it is 1,500 miles away! Stupid work.

Add Up

And now, from the secret files of Obama attack ads that didn't make the cut:

Friday, October 10, 2008

More Fun With AP Photos Of Disillusioned Traders

Part II:

Watch Out

The only difference between this disaster and the economy is that the Titanic had an in-house band.

No Seriously

Now I'm not saying anything about my Halloween costume, but does anyone have a trumpet I can borrow?

Where In The World

So at the second debate on Tuesday, John McCain has this to say about Osama Bin Laden, "I'll get Osama bin Laden. I'll get him. I know how to get him."

WHOOOOOOOA! Shut it! But wait, if you know how to get him, why don't you just do that whole "Country First" thing and let us know now? Or do we have to elect you to find out. What a conundrum!

In other news I think I told you the other day I got into a fight with this conservative guy who works upstairs who is all "Protect my money! Fuck Obama," but he watched the debates and just came downstairs and said to me, "You know, I'm not so frightened at the idea of an Obama administration anymore. He's pretty good."

Well YEAH. If I have to hear one more time from a conservative that I'm "naive" or "don't know what I'm talking about" and then the second they pick up a paper they're like, "Hey, you were right," I swear.

Fun With AP Photos Of Disillusioned Traders

First of a series:

Sharks Are Doin' It For Themselves

Whoa! Looks like a virgin shark out there gave birth to a baby shark- that's right, no man necessary. She actually created a little baby Jesus shark via asexual reproduction. It looks like this is quite common in the shark community so don't get too excited.

In other news, God has been sighted hanging out at a nearby shark tank.

And That One Three

Who I'm voting for:

Thursday, October 09, 2008

He Did Answer The Question

So every day we as an office order food from different places, depending on everyone's moods. The problem is everyone gives the delivery people the same main phone #.

Now normally, the delivery people go into the lobby and the lobby desk rings up to tell us who the food is for. But sometimes the delivery person calls from his cellphone while he is still outside, just to save some time. Invariably they just call and say "food downstairs" but the problem is you never know who it's for and who should go down to sign for it. So this just happened:

*ring ring*

Me: Hello?

Delivery Guy: Hi. Food downstair.

Me: For who?

Delivery Guy: (silence)

Me: What restaurant?

Delivery Guy: Que?


Delivery Guy: (pause) ... Cuba.

Award Time

And now in stupid Halloween Costume news, what are these guys supposed to be?

a. Watchdogs
b. That Coldplay song
c. A popular news magazine
d. Second to last place in the costume contest

National News

This just in:

"(CNN) -- Hurricane Norbert weakened to a Category 3 storm early Thursday as it churned through the Pacific Ocean toward Mexico's Baja California peninsula.

Forecasters expect Norbert to make landfall Saturday along the southern end of Baja California, though hurricane forecasts can change considerably.

Locals were horrified at the prospect. Tim Farkis, 52 who runs the local pharmacy said, 'How dare Eddie Murphy bring that disaster of a movie here. How dare he. Don't they know there are children in this community?'"

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Elect Tempy

It's official...vote for me!

I'm on the news!!!

Say Cheese

I think at this point these guys are just posing for the camera for dramatic effect. If you'd like to name a, b, c and d, there might be a prize in it for you. Maybe.





Wizard of Politics

It is a beautiful day in Oz

DOROTHY-BAMA: Oh, what a pickle! We have to help the people of Oz survive this major Poppy Field crisis and restore their faith in the Wizard! Why, what have we here? A man made of tin that cannot move? And I mean that metaphorically AND literally.


DOROTHY-BAMA: What was that?

TIN MAN MCCAIN: Aw fuck, seriously? I said, oil can. Please. Okay, you happy you fucking hippie?

DOROTHY-BAMA: Oh, I don't know, what do you think the magic word is Toto-Rev.-Jeremiah-Wright?

TOTO-REV-JEREMIAH-WRIGHT: Rrrrruff! Fuck whitey!

DOROTHY-BAMA: Now that's not nice. Ha ha!

TIM MAN MCCAIN: Just give me some fucking oil you Socialist Commie bastard!

DOROTHY-BAMA: Okay, there you go.

Tin Man McCain starts to move *creak creak*

TIN MAN MCCAIN: Grumpthyruuu...

DOROTHY-BAMA: I'm sorry what was that?

TIN MAN MCCAIN: Thank you! Dick.

TOTO-REV-JEREMIAH-WRIGHT: Rrrrrrargh! White man's the devil!

DOROTHY-BAMA: Oh, please, just ignore him. He's a little grumpy.

Bidencrow comes walking in

BIDENCROW: Hey guys, so listen, I've found out that 90% of the poppy fields are withered but 45% of the citizens of Oz think they're not fully decayed. Let me say that again. 45% of the citizens of Oz think they're not fully decayed. That means that at least 55% believe the wizard has something to do with this, but 32% of those know that the wicked witch may have something to do with it. 32%.

COWARDLY LIEBERMAN: Wwwwhooooa! Wwwwwhattttt are we g...g...gonna do?

BIDENCROW: Lieberman, what the balls are you doing here?

COWARDLY LIEBERMAN: Jjjust... w...w... alking around, seeing who else I can agree with...

BIDENCROW: Eat shit, Lieberman.

TOTO-REV-JEREMIAH-WRIGHT: Rrrruff! The Jews are to blame!

DOROTHY-BAMA: Enough everyone. We have to stick together. Right old man? (thumps Tin Man McCain on his back)

TIN MAN MCCAIN: Don't touch me you fucking asshole.

Palinda comes flying inon a bubble, rifle at the ready. She shoots a flying monkey before landing.

PALINDA: Well hello everyone!

EVERYONE: Ah, shit.

PALINDA: Am I interruptin' somethin'? *wink*

TIN MAN MCCAIN: Palinda, just... just go.

PALINDA: Oooooh, look! Oil! (grabs the can from Tin Man McCain and starts to drink it down)

TIN MAN MCCAIN: I need that oil! Jesus, Palinda, what the hell! First that one (points to Dorothy-Bama) now you!

PALINDA: Oh relax! I got more oil than you'll ever need, scrappy. Oh, look, a dog! Hello dog! (goes to pat Toto-Rev-Jeremiah-Wright).

TOTO-REV-JEREMIAH-WRIGHT: Rrrrufff... white bitches is the worst! Rrrruff!

DOROTHY-BAMA: Oh, jeez...

COWARDLY LIEBERMAN: W...whhatare we gonna do, boss?

BIDENCROW: Maybe you should have thought of that before you gave George the Wizard a rim job.


TIN MAN MCCAIN: That's it, I'm outta here.

TOTO-REV-JEREMIAH-WRIGHT: Grrrrrr...cracker!

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