A day by day and often hourly account of a temp

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Sing This

This woman is amazing. As part of her anger management exercises she was taught to hum when distressed. Well, watch what happens when her ex husband takes her to court for his therapy bills caused by her, and he brings his mistress. Let's just say, someone just about breaks into song.

An Open Letter to AT&T


My name is *crackle crackle* and I... wait, sorry. Hello? You there? Okay. Like I said my * silence* wait, is this better? Good, I hit a patch and I *beep* oh wait, hold on. That's you getting back to me. Let me just. Are you there? Okay, wait, I'm going to write from a land line.

Can you hear me? Okay, much better. This Verizon stationery is like butter. Real nice like.

So, here's the thing. I know my iPhone is just a glorified little computer and game console with the capability to sometimes act like a phone. I've come to accept that the phone kind of isn't the priority. But it's not Apple's fault. Rather, they've built a very nice device, whose initial intent, if you will, was to create a "cellular phone". Hence the name- iPhone. It all started out so innocently. Then apps came out, they popped an iPod in there, heck you can even use it to check stocks and map out a shopping trip. Don't even get me started about how many times I've used it for photos and video, it's ridiculous. And voice memo's? Forget about it.

But Apple never forgot that it was originally that: a phone. Sure you can play games, and make your voice sound like T-Pain, but when all is said and done, I did intend to use it as a way to communicate with another person in case of emergency, or just to reassure my mom every few days that I'm doing fine, the dog's still alive and yes, I'm wearing my bike helmet.

At first, it was okay. It worked really, really well. But then, lately, we've been having some problems. I found out why- you made iPhone users sign an exclusive contract with you, before installing enough towers to handle the increased usage which was a logical result of such a plan. I mean, you knew that would happen, but you didn't build enough towers. Who does that? Not thoughtful people, that's who.

I know it's too late to change providers. I already signed the 10 year contract. The guy at the store also gave me the two year option, but the 10 year came with a free floppy frisbee so I went for it. I don't have a single regret- that is some amazing frisbee. It rivals the free kite I got at a TD bank because I correctly guessed within two dollars how much change I exchanged for cash at their Penny Arcade. But that's neither here nor there.

So, in conclusion, I ask you this. Please install some more towers. It doesn't have to be a whole lot, just maybe one, preferably outside my apartment in Brooklyn. It'd be nice to know that if need be, I can use my phone as... a phone.

Thanks so much for your time.

- Me

PS, good job getting Luke Wilson as your spokesperson. I loved him in The Royal Tennenbaums!

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Hi, I'm Personal

I don't want to go too into detail with you all but here goes. If anyone of you has seen me this week, and I know that makes at least one of you, I had the strangest PMS ever- my boobs got HUGE. So big, everyone was like, "Seriously, what you going on down there?" And as a result, maybe as a firm reminder that underneath it all I am ALL WOMAN, I am currently having one of the most painful periods in a long time. Hear me roar. Are we all cool with this information? Great. Thanks. I'll get back to you when my breasts deflate.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Ladies Room

I was hoping to watch these two Australian dingoes go at it and rip each others hair out, but that didn't happen. It's like, can Australia be more cool? With it's laid back culture, fun beer and Paul Hogan you'd think it's almost the perfect place. And then you get two ladies at a fashion competition and they announce one winer, and right as she is graciously accepting the prize, the host gets that message in the earbud- they called the wrong name.

What happens next? Spoiler alert - if you have a thing about beauty contestants getting into it, don't even bother watching this. They both win Miss Congeniality.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

A Trip!

So there's this article in AMNY or Metro or one of those about why there are so many mail-order brides from Russia. Turns out there are way more women to men ratio there because of alcoholism and disease and whatnot, and as it turns out, there are way less losers in America. According to one blushing bride to be, "Men in America are different. They call you and ask you how your day is." Well, yeah. But I hope she knows that while he's calling you, it's probably because he's washing off the smell of other lady parts with a burrito. Kidding, that's totally gross. And there's a lot of good guys out there, who do nice things for you other than just call you. My boyfriend, for example, is treating me to a trip to Kentucky. It's a destination wedding. But seriously, I'm really excited. I've actually never been, I have some friends out there, and I'm looking forward to meeting his extended family, as mine consists of only two people. I consider myself very lucky to have him in my life, which is why I plan on blocking all the IP addresses on his computer for www.hotrussianbrideswhoappreciatesubparbehaviorfromyouinexchangeforablowjob.net.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Gotta Love This Guy

Is there anyone better than Ian McKellan?

Okay, the only person awesomer than Ian McKellan is the guy who photoshopped this shirt:

Thursday, September 16, 2010


It's officially the end of the world, folks. A new show is in the works that sounds like the most horrific hot mess we will ever see, and it is for this reason that I will watch it. I know, I'm a product of my culture. Remember when life was simple and we watched Josie and the Pussycats and ate Cheerios? Not anymore, folks. You've been blasted into overdrive. I'll let the show's description speak for itself:

The network is set to announce "Bridalplasty," where brides-to-be compete in wedding-themed challenges to win extensive surgical procedures.

Each week, a group of women competes head-to-head in such challenges as writing wedding vows and planning honeymoons. The winner receives the chance to choose a plastic surgery procedure from her "wish list." She's given the procedure immediately, and results are shown at the start of the following week's episode.

One by one, the women are voted out by their competitors and, according to the show's description, "possibly walking away with nothing and losing [their] chance to be the perfect bride."

The last bride standing will receive a "dream wedding," where she will reveal her new appearance to friends, family and the groom. "Viewers will witness his emotional and possibly shocked reaction as they stand at the altar and he lifts her veil to see her for the first time following her extreme plastic surgery," E! said.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Storm Gathering

This doesn't look good. Three, I said, three major storms are happening right now. But it's not just the huge destruction potential that's making everyone nervous. It's that the storm names sound like members of a faux S&M bondage band from the 80's.

Hurricane Igor, Hurricane Julia and Tropical Storm Karl are making their way around the globe, in a massive tour of destruction... of ROCK. You know what happens when Karl and Igor put on their assless chaps in the bathroom of a Super 8 (that's how they do when they tour locally), while Julia gets in her pleather bodysuit with 5 inch shoulder pads before they hop in the van to the local rock venue, Captain Nick's Rock and Roll Club and Bait 'n Tackle. Rock on.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

A Space

So I don't know if any of you remember the movie version of Little Shop of Horrors where they sing that song called Skid Row? Anyway, that neighborhood/sound stage they are singing in looks a lot like where we are rehearsing these days for my show. For some reason we got a "discount" (I swear the neighborhood sexual predators are subsidizing this) and now we have rehearsals in a basement on the corner of Shitville and Rapey Ave. The walk there is excruciating. If you are a New Yorker, I'll tell you where it is- it's on 41st street bet. 8th and 9th. But if you are not a New Yorker, here's an example- it's so ghetto that Google Street View didn't even bother going down that street. Or maybe they did, but a pimp busted up the van. I'm not joking- as were leaving at 9:30 the other night, we saw a hooker in a bathing suit and UNDERWEAR UNDER THE BATHING SUIT having a serious conversation with her pimp. About politics, of course.

Wednesday, September 08, 2010

Riding Fun

After taking the summer off, I am back to Booty Camp and boy are my legs tired. But not just because of the workout - I got to bike today, and let me say, it turned out to be a little more than I had bargained for. As I was getting ready I had one of those premonitions - "Be really really careful today." Not any other day, just today. So I decided not to take any hallucinogens before Boot Camp, and off I went.

The way there was fine. Save for the one time I tried to ring my bell at someone and ended up changing gears instead, overall it was a lovely experience. It's really just a 7 minute ride down a straight shoot of road that goes over a little bridge. Lovely.

But on the way back, the drawbridge was OPEN. Yes, for the first time since I've lived in this neighborhood, the little drawbridge over the Gowanus Canal was open, and there was construction. So now I had to navigate my little red bike all around an industrial area where I am very unfamiliar with the traffic patterns, plus there's a lot of big trucks on their way to make deliveries so I was caught in a sea of smog, honking and very little riding space.

I made it back okay (obvs) but seriously, my heart stopped a few times. And I learned two things: 1. No one gives a crap about bike lanes and 2. Big trucks have the right of way.

Friday, September 03, 2010

An Adventure

It's a 3 day weekend, there's no one in the office today, and I am getting nothing but personal work done - the way I like it.

So, I hate talking politics (not true), but this whole Sarah Palin Vanity Fair article is just a reminder that I need to get out more. As a New Yorker, I am constantly amazed that people in this country think so differently. Well, guess what... boy am I in for a wake up call! My friend who went away to a red state this week told me she's glad to be reminded of the other part of America. Not that we all aren't the same people, who live, eat, love our family and work hard. It's just done differently no matter where you go.

In a few weeks I'm going to Kentucky for a wedding, and I am excited to meet new people and experience the cultural differences, and eat pe-CAN pie, not the pie we eat here that is made out of PEE-cans.

But wait, hold the phone... I know a lot of tourists come to New York, but when was the last time a tourist said, "I want to get to know the real New York. Meet the people, spend some time in their culture." Not often, that's for sure. So as I go on my adventure, I urge someone from a place far away from New York to come with an open mind and experience what New Yorkers are all about. The small, tight knit neighborhoods, the families, the food. And yes, we're not all heathens, there are places of worship. (Unless you're Muslim, that's gross - kidding.) If you need a place to stay, you can crash at my pad. Just don't bring bed bugs. Oh, wait, that's right, you should worry about bringing them back from New York. On second thought, never mind - stay right where you are.

Thursday, September 02, 2010

Why, Hello

HOLD THE PHONE PEOPLE I am back and I missed you. Well, a little bit. I spent the summer doing my first ever one woman show and let me tell you, nothing says comedy like daddy issues. Seriously, it wasn't a mindf@#k at all (it was). But I'm really glad I did it. I found myself in such a weird space creatively that any time I sat down to write, I just wanted to write sappy things about rainbows, friends and butterflies. Now that it's done, I'm back to snarky me. Oh, I still love animals. Have you seen catsinsinks.com? You should.

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