Sesame Street

From an email conversation I'm having right now:

Friend 1: Hey gang, I have two extra seats at a table at the Sesame Street benefit next Wednesday night. Anyone free and want to join us? Program: Hosted by Robin Roberts and Elmo, Honoring Joe and Jill Biden, John Legend performing

Me: I'm in!

Friend 2: Me too!

Friend 1: Looks like you guys are my hot lesbian couple!

Me: HOT!!

Friend 2: We will be the female Bert and Ernie.

Me: Who has the unibrow? I don't want to be that one. But I will if you don't.

Friend 2: Unibrow is Bert. I'll be him because he is a beanpole.

Me: So I'm the butch one. That's okay.

Friend 2: No Ernie is the woman. He's a softy. Bert is the bitchy one

Me: No, Bert is the bitchy one, so he's the woman.

Friend 2: Ernie is emotionally available. Bert isn't.

Me: Good point.

Special Day

It's laundry day so you know what that means, kids.

Naughty Secretary time.

I'm wearing a skirt.

Very Cool

My friend is in this show- by accident, sort of. He's a Broadway show drummer and I've seen him perform but never on stage. In real life he has long hair and wears bananas. In this show, since he is part of the "band" on stage, he's sporting an adorable wig, glasses, and actually has lines and everything! I'm hoping to see this soon. This is him on Good Day New York this morning. (He's in the back):

Thanks

I am both shocked and awed that there is an instruction manual today in Gawker on how to nab a sailor during Fleet Week. From the last time I checked, all it takes is having lady parts and a pulse.

Now, I'm a bit of a sap because I have had friends who served, and I really think it's important to thank a soldier for their service to our country. Our recent wars were due to poor choices by rich white dudes who never stepped foot near a military base, but the people in the armed services aren't at fault for that. So, you know, thank a service member.

There's one risk to that- they might see it as an open door, "I will serve you *wink*" policy, so just be careful whose hand you shake or who you salute on the street. Case in point, I was at a comedy show in the West Village yesterday (hello, sailor? I won't ask if you don't tell) and a crew of them came in during the after-hang time, and I walked by one and shook his hand and said, "Hey, welcome to NY. Thanks for your service," to which he then slurred, "So where are we hanging out after this?"

Uh? Hmmm.. They are normally on their best behavior (strict orders) so I let it slide, but I had to pick the one guy who drank too much. But I think they were also mildly bewildered that they walked into one of the gayer locations in the West Village, which is hard to do. Nothing says antithesis of "soldier" than a roomful of liberal, skinny, glasses wearing stand up comedi(enne)ans.

But still, take that risk.Thank a soldier. Just preferably do it in the daytime.

The Lobsterita

Ladies and gentlemen, the drink of the day over here at TempyCo is the Traditional Red Lobster Lobsterita, weighing in at 890 calories and 183 carbs. Men's Health compared it to eating 7 Almond Joy bars, which means a woman write that article, not a man, because women always have chocolate and nuts on the brain. If a man wrote that he'd be all, "That's like sucking down 10 bacon double cheese burgers off a stripper, dude".

Anyway, where was I? I googled Lobsterita after I read the article because for a hot second I thought it was really made out of blended lobster. Truth. It is not.

Let Me Tell You Something

This woman is my hero. Apparently, she really didn't like the fact that some "douchebag" weather man interrupted the season finale of Criminal Minds (it wasn't the season finale, by the way) for an "emergency weather" report about a "tornado". You tell 'em. And how nice to know that Criminal Minds has a fan and that this woman is spending her precious time on this phone call instead of thinking about the massive apocalyptic oil spill. Priorities!

Captain Obvious

And in "No Shit, I Could Have Told You That Years Ago" news, this fascinating article just came out giving advice to men.

Here it is. Are you ready? Can you handle this amazingness?

"Call your wife if you are going to be home late."

No, no need to re-read that if you were looking for something else. That's it. I'm going to repeat that.

"Call your wife if you are going to be home late."

I give out a lot of advice to my guy and girl friends. I know men think differently than women, I understand that. And even though this article came out, guys will still continue to not call if they're going to be home late. It's just the way it is.

Can I write an article like that and get paid for it? CAN I??? Ok here goes:

"Hey, want some crazy RELATIONSHIP advice? Here's a surefire way to make your man enjoy you (sexually!!!). Give him a blow job! Tee hee! Men love ORAL SEX!"

Now pay me $500 (for the article, not the BJ).

Oh Fun

I wouldn't normally say I love th DMV but this stuff right here is awesome. Wonderful work, ladies and gentlemen. This very much comes in handy when you get pulled over for speeding. It's kind of like that scene in Super Troopers where the cop sees how many times he can say, "Meow" to the guy he's pulled over. Except when you have this drivers licence trump card, all you have to do is pull it out and it's game over.

Slightly off topic but mostly on, we used to play the same game when I bartended- we'd give our co-worker a word and they'd have to use it in a sentence to a customer within one minute. Points for creativity, as well. So for example if the word is porpoise, you could be like, "This vodka is actually imported from Estonia, which, by the way, is where the most porpoise sightings are. Little known fact. Care for another?" See? Once, though, I just walked over to a customer and said the word and then walked right back to my co-worker who was laughing his butt off while the guy at the bar was left perplexed.

"Why did the bartender just say, 'vociferous' to me?" (stares emptily into his drink)

Catwalk 2

A while back I told you about the man at Boot Camp who was exercising his cat. Well we finally have video. Yes, that's a cat. Running down a field.

Naked in a Tabloid

I'm in a show opening soon and as such, I feel that I need to know as much as there is to know about pop culture. Not just because my character is overloaded with inane details about Justin Beber or Angelina Jolie, but because as a public servant it is my civic duty to inform people who don't read the tabloids. I was just looking at old show clips (it's an unscripted sitcom, so anything goes), and it became quite clear that I'm a bevy of dumb nonsense. You're welcome. So if you have any insight, please let me know. Thanks.

Many Choices

I can't decide between the laska roll or the oston one...

Ha Ha! Ah...

This is perhaps the best news item of the day. An employee at Marc Jacobs picked up a delivery with suspicious white powder in it, and called the authorities. Turned out it was cocaine. Hilarity ensued.

Save Hundreds On Car Insurance

Recently, the voiceover actor who played the Australian gecko in the Geiko ads was fired because he drunk dialed a tea party organization and left a nasty message, which is seriously amazing in of itself and I only wish he had done it in the voice of the gecko. Here is his response:

Stick This

I get on the train the other day like most do, to go to a job they may or may not like, in a country divided by racial, social and religious intolerance, and I step into a crowded subway car to read this sticker posted on a subway ad. If you can't read it it says:

"Warning: As long as 3500 babies are killed daily by abortion god will not bless our nation."

This is the same kind of hate rhetoric that makes churches protest soldiers' funerals because America is condoning homosexuality. I mean, seriously? That's my threat? And even if this were true what in the heck are you going to do about it? Hey, I have a crazy idea- instead of just spewing disconnected hate speak and frequently visiting cafepress's sticker section, why don't you try to work with the community of people who are trying to avoid unwanted pregnancies in the first place? Oh, and god won't bless us? F@#k you, you sneeze and I bless you. We're all in this together as the human race, and literally lording over this imaginary threat so that we may be blessed, while I'm looking at a direct problem of a rotting homeless person across the way from me who was an unwanted child and needs help in the here and now, is a waste of sticker adhesive. I believe in free speech but not graffiti, so this is what happens to you, sticker.

Take 2

Welcome to Ally's Live Chat. Thanks for joining us! A Customer Advocate will be with you in a moment. You are number 1 in the queue. Thank you for waiting.

You are now chatting with 'Dianna'

Dianna: Thank you for chatting with me today. How can I help?

Me: hello

Me: My cd matures on the 20th. How long is the grace period

Dianna: Hi [Tempy]! How may I help you today?

Dianna: Very good question!

Me: thanks

Me: there are no bad questions

Me: that's what they say

Dianna: The Grace Period is a total of 10 calendar days which includes the maturity date.

Dianna: I totally agree.

Me: ah, I see

Me: so the 11 month rate at 1.38- is that a no penalty rate?

Dianna: I'll be happy to discuss our rates with you today, Me. Before I do so, please be advised that our rates are subject to change daily and that the rates you receive will be based off of when your account is funded.

Dianna: Please also be advised that the rates of the Online Savings, Money Market, and Interest Checking account are a variable which means they are subject to change daily.

Me: ok

Me: so... is the 11 month today a no penalty?

Dianna: We offer some of the most competitive rates you’ll find anywhere, but rates can change. So the rate you receive will be the most competitive we offer within 10 days of you funding your CD or the maturity date of your CD.

Dianna: Yes, the No Penalty CD is currently offering an Annual Percentage Yield (APY) of 1.38%.

Me: think that will still be available next week?

Dianna: I'm sorry, Me I really can't confirm that information simply because our rates are subject to change daily.

Me: ah gotchya

Me: I guess that was a BAD question

Me: :)

Me: ok thanks

Dianna: You are very welcome!

Me: have a great weekend

Dianna: Thank you! Please enjoy your weekend as well!

Dianna: Thank you for chatting with us. We value your feedback. Please click the “Close” button at top right to answer a few questions about your experience with us today.

Me: one last question

Dianna: Sure, how can I help?

Me: is faxing a cd rollover request sufficient or do we need to mail it?

Dianna: Once a CD reaches maturity it will go into a 10 calendar day Grace Period. Your Grace Period is the time you have to decide if you would like to make changes or possibly close the CD. If no closure requests are made, on the 11th day from maturity the CD will automatically rollover for an additional term.

Dianna: With this, there is no action required to rollover a CD.

Me: but can we fax the request

Me: like, if we wanted the 11 month, shall we fax the letter to you or mail it?

Dianna: You certainly may fax the request. You may fax your request to 1-866--------. You may attention your fax to "Ally Bank Operations Department". Please be sure to sign the written request and list the account number to apply the change to on the written request.

Dianna: Is that the information you were looking for?

Me: ok thx

Me: yes!

Dianna: Excellent! Is there anything else I can assist you with today?

Me: I could use a nap, but I don't think you can help me with that

Dianna: That's too funny!

Me: aw, thx

Me: you have a great day

Dianna: It was my pleasure to assist you today, [Tempy]. Please enjoy your day!

Dianna: Thank you for chatting with us. We value your feedback. Please click the “Close” button at top right to answer a few questions about your experience with us today.

Chat Time

I love using chat whenever I can when I have to deal with customer service. From Time Warner to an airline, it's the best feature ever. I like to have a little fun with them too sometimes. I know they probably have a tough job, so it's good to brighten their day.

Welcome to Ally's Live Chat. Thanks for joining us! A Customer Advocate will be with you in a moment. You are number 1 in the queue. Thank you for waiting.

You are now chatting with 'Charles'

Me: hi Chaz

Charles: Thank you for chatting with me today. How can I help?

Me: what are yr current CD rates?

Charles: How are you today [Tempy]?

Charles: Let me provide you with a link to our rates.

Me: great

Charles: Click here for our rates.

Charles: We offer some of the most competitive rates you’ll find anywhere, but rates can change. So the rate you receive will be the most competitive we offer within 10 days of you funding your CD.

Me: got it, thanks

Charles: Is there anything else I can help you with today?

Me: I don't think so

Charles: Thank you for chatting with us. We value your feedback. Please click the “Close” button at top right to answer a few questions about your experience with us today.

Me: Unless you want to get a cup of coffee or something

Me: you know, hang out

Me: kidding

Me: have a great day

Charles: Thank you, but New York is a little far for me.

Me: ok

Nice Shot

I don't want to tell you why I've been on this website all morning, but as a hint it has something to do with a certain guy with tattoos on the site and everything to do with his choice of poses. If someone gets me a gift card and a bear skin rug I swear to you I will do this.

UPDATE ok stop the presses this glorious creature is my new favorite thing right now:

The Homosexual

THIS IS AMAZING. It's an old video warning young boys about homosexuals. Not pedophiles, homosexuals. What I want to know is what happened at the motel? Did they just talk about showtunes???

Awesome Lady

Aw, hells to the yes. This little old lady with a cane tried to make a citizen's arrest on Karl Rove at a book signing. This is not very interesting footage; I'm just so glad that the Bunny MacDougal from Sex and the City look alike is the one doing the arresting.

Lady GuyGuy

If you look carefully, you can actually watch that one girl in the back hit puberty.

Hahhahahahahha

OK guys, I have literally spent all morning trying to find "funny comics on mergers" so that my boss can use it in a presentation. Spoiler alert: there are no funny ones. Oh, there are merger cartoons, they're just all god awful.

So I made one. They're not going to use it in the presentation but my boss loved it.

We're Awesome

I don't know why, but lately I'm on this carrot-ginger kick. In the form of soup, juice or pie (I wish), that's all I want. Does it mean my body needs something like a vitamin? Or is it because I am such a Wonder Woman.

All In Good Fun, Right

"Wow" is all I can say- what an exhilirating week. But I think the best part of it was when I sat in for one of the traders yesterday when she went on a smoke break and I accidentally made a trade where I put in "B" for "Billion" instead of "M" for "I'm not qualified to be Making trades". It was mayhem. Well, puh-scuse me for trying to have a laugh.

Classy Gal

I don't see anything wrong with this elegant shirt.

What?

Yesterday was Cinco De Mayo, but should have been called Cinco De Awesome. Let's just say the night ended up with homemade fajitas and margaritas at a friend's house, and my dog totally scored some steak. And I slept really well, or at least I think I did.

Cute Kittens

It's been a busy day, people. I'm starting to think that working almost full time on 2 shows while having a full time job isn't really the best thing for my mental health. I'm kind of finding myself turn into a bit of a bitch, and yet it's always the bitchy ones that are successful so maybe this is a good thing. Aw, who am I kidding- I'm still a snuggly lovey muffin!!! Just keep staring at the kitten and no one gets hurt.

Beautiful

The true magnificence of this photo of me is the sparkling elegance of the unicorn shirt. Magical.

What a Weekend

Wow, this weekend was amazing. I won best hat at this Kentucky Derby party, and money, and there were even some celebrities. What could be better? Oh, I also found out a one-woman show I wrote got into the 2010 New York International Fringe Festival. Shut it.

It's a very serious, sensitive piece about my vagina and female empowerment. I'M KIDDING it's not- it's a comedy and it's gonna be awesome. So if you're in New York this summer check it out.

In other news, if you haven't seen this, our president is fantastic: