A day by day and often hourly account of a temp

Thursday, May 29, 2008

That'll Learn Ya

Humiliation is the best punishment.

SAG Crazies!

I have some good news and some bad news. Which do you want to hear first? Why, the bad news of course, because then after that you have good news! So the bad news is- I am leaving work at 10:30 today. To do SAG background work. On some dumb movie starring Kristen Bell and Josh "Mr. Fergie" Duhamel.

The GOOD news is that I only took it because it is guaranteed overtime which means a metric assload of money, and I need a big chunk of that green stuff to pay for my Actors Equity card. Like, it's so guaranteed OT that the first round of us are arriving at 11 am and the second round of extras aren't even needed until 8 pm. That's how crazy long this day will be. But if you've done SAG background work you know that a. the more overtime the better and b. brace yourself for some SAG crazies. These are the people that do background work every day, not because it pays well, but because they think they are really acting and therefore have an acting career. I'm sorry but the last time I checked, Glorified Setpiece does not an actor make.

Please feel free to text me all day and keep me company.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

No More Music

Sniff. My iPod broke. Does anyone have an extra iPod they don't want? Preferably one spanking brand new, and a video iPod, please- I don't f@#k around.

Super Fun Wall

Hillary Clinton's Facebook Fun Wall!

Displaying 5 of 5 wall posts
See All

Scott McLellan wrote
at 11:45pm yesterday

Hey Hil, remember me? What's up?
I was wondering what you were doing
later. You know, after you stop running
and stuff. Want to grab a drink or
something? I'm kinda lonely too. Sorry,
TMI! Bush is kinda mad at me and I
thought you'd totes understand.

You look really hot these days, BTW.

Wall-to-Wall - Write on Scott's Wall - Delete

Barack Obama wrote
at 1:34pm on May 22, 2008

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay! You haven't walled me
back, yo! What's kickin??? Saw you on the news.
Cuuuuuute broach. CU in Puerto Rico!!!

Wall-to-Wall - Write on Barack's Wall - Delete

John McCain wrote
at 3:22pm on May 20, 2008

Hey Hil! I hope you got my donation
check. Hang in there! Bingo sometime
at my house!

Wall-to-Wall - Write on John's Wall - Delete

Condoleezza Rice wrote
at 10:22 am on May 19, 2008

Hi Hillary. Haven't spoken in a while.
I just thought you might be interested
in the latest news about Jodie Foster's
breakup. Check out this article:
So sad... Anyway. Just wanted to see
what's up. Let me know if you want to
go ice skating or something.

Wall-to-Wall - Write on Condoleezza's Wall - Delete

Barack Obama wrote
at 2:32pm on May 16, 2008

Argh! The press is driving me nuts with
all these interviews! Rrrragh! OMG thought
you'd find this funny:
Ha ha! Talk to you later when I get off the
phone with Time Magazine. Saw your piece in
Good Housekeeping, BTW, congrats!

Wall-to-Wall - Write on Barack's Wall - Delete

What Is It

Okay can someone please tell me what this animal is? Is it a baby rabbit or a biggish hamster? What about a teeny tiny raccoon-bear?

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Consider Me Speechless

These Craigslist missed connections ads sure are getting specific:

My freckledick/Your spidermonkey - w4m - 32 (NJ/NY)

Colbert for Cancer

OK, it's official- Stephen Colbert is, as we speak, wearing the Groinstrong bracelet.

When Bloggers Unite

Ladies and gentlemen, as some of you know our friend Jonah had a touch of cancer in his groin area. His blog, Adventures in Brooklyn, is one of the links on my site, along with G-Strings For Orphans. As a way of showing strength and solidarity, another friend created Groinstrong bracelets- much like the Lance Armstrong Livestrong ones, or my friend Ed's F@#kstrong (patent pending).

Well when Jonah got the crazy idea that Stephen Colbert of the Colbert Report should have one because of Colbert's own Wriststrong campaign, all it took was one little degree of separation, a hope, a prayer, a letter, an envelope, and a trip to the west side in 90 degree heat. Jonah gave the bracelet to me and I passed it on to the author of G-Strings, Katie, who works for the man himself.

So I just came back from the Colbert Report offices and can say that the exchange was successful. I did not meet Stephen, but Katie assured me it would be in his hands. Hopefully Mr. Colbert will wear his bracelet tonight in his showing of support. If not, it will prove the theory that I have been pushing for years that Stephen Colbert hates people who have cancer.

Who's That Guy

Name: AC Slater
Best Known For: Being saved when the bell rings
AC Stands For: Appolonius Cheste
Likes: Working out, the sun, baby oil, reading, Z. Cavariccis, Kelly, general shenanigans and hijinks, dancing, hosting reality shows
Dislikes: Asparagus
Favorite Song: Anything that makes him MOVE!
Wants you to Know: He once saved a kitten from a tree that he planted to save the environment in honor of a soldier

Friday, May 23, 2008

Love The Uggs

My co-workers and I are doing nothing today and that includes looking up pictures of cats and dogs, my favorite activity. I'm sure you've seen this but I just love it.

I am Scared

Okay, this is so creepy and I can't stop watching it.

Delegating the Delegates

Clinton: It's here! It's here! (waving paper, running inside house)

Obama: (jumping off the couch) Whassit say?

Clinton: Hold on.

Obama: Open it!

Clinton: Ok, here. It says, "As a compromise to the Michigan and Florida debacle, it shall be decided by the DNC that the winning candidate shall now need exactly 1,779 total delegates, no more, no less." So that means... wait a minute... I have, I HAVE EXACTLY THAT AMOUNT!!! Oh, oh Bar, isn't that wonderful???

Obama: Hil, I have 1,967 total delegates.

Clinton: No, but it says here... see (pointing) that you can have no more that 1,779, and you have more.

Obama: Hil, that makes no sense.

Clinton: Yes it does, ask Howard Dean!

Obama: Hil, that's not even a letter, it's the ValPak coupon weekly.

Clinton: No, it's a letter!

Obama: Maybe it's time for a nap.

Clinton: No! No, I am the winner! You're the Archuleta to my Cook! Ha ha! Yay!

Obama: Hil, let's get you some tea and a book.

Clinton: I got all my reading material right here, baby.

Obama: Oh, Hil.

(voice from the bedroom) Would you goddamn kids keep yer voices down, I'm trying to watch Our House and enjoy my Ovaltine!

Clinton and Obama: Sorry, McCain.


Bill Gates wants to have sex with your mind.


Yesterday I was walking home when I saw this old lady putting little plastic white picket fence posts around the tree outside her house. It looks great- really, she did a fantastic job. Imagine if CoCo the Chimpanzee with no spacial skills were to be put in charge of arranging plastic spikes from True Value hardware store and you get the idea of what a disastrous display of lawn art she had created. But here's the best part- this morning I am walking to work and I see one lone yard spike. Thinking it was a headstone for the family's gecko or something, I took a look. Here's what it said.

Now, normally, I'd stop at the first K, but oh, no. She really needed to make that point. Like the 10 plastic yard spikes weren't signal enough.

I totally peed on that tree.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Yes We Can

Okay, this is awesome.


Has anyone seen my sanity? I seem to have lost it. Oh, and that thing hanging by a thread is my patience.

Must Love Phones

Job Listing:

Company: American Express Platinum Services
Seeking: Sales Representative
We are looking for slow, non-motivated people to handle heavy call volume in the most difficult way possible. Must be willing to give five different answers to simple questions in order to successfully confuse and frustrate the caller. Repetitive incorrect answers a plus. Please respond to: 1-800-525-3355, press 1, *, say "travel", press 2, 4, 3, say, "representative", press 3, *, 4.

Hillary's New Ad

This is getting ridiculous. It's a shame Obama let them find that photo from his fraternity hazing.

A Tight Race

*ring ring*

Clinton (picking up hotel phone): He... hello?

Obama: I love your voice when you just wake up.

Clinton: Oh, Bar, please. I'm exhausted- can't a gal sleep in once in a while?

Obama: Oh, it's already past 11.

Clinton: WHAT???

Obama: Yeah, and it's January 20th and you totes just missed your inauguration. And the Tin Man was there, and Toto, and even Auntie Em...

Clinton: I fucking hate you.

Obama: Sorry, had to.

Clinton: Bar?

Obama: Yeah, Hil?

Clinton: Do you think... do you think that maybe it's time?

Obama: For you to leave the race? *sigh* I'll miss you, Hil. I'll miss the fight.

Clinton: No, asshole, I meant is it time for continental breakfast?

Obama: Dunno- I've never stayed in this particular Marriott before.

Clinton: What room are you in?

Obama: 512. You?

Clinton: 634.

Obama: Oh, that's a smoking room.

Clinton: How do you know that?

Obama: Because you're in it- yeeeow!

Clinton: Shut up.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Dirty Poly Tricks

This is the latest off of the campaign trail. Will they stop at nothing?

No Spin Zone

I usually hate when people film stuff on their TV's and then post them to YouTube, but last night I saw something so busted that I had to rewind my DVR and record this on my little digital camera. Plus I am going stir crazy being sick in my house. Cabin fever makes you do weird things.

It's Fox news anchor Shepherd Smith (I know, I know, it's Fox) reporting on a white student who was Moorehouse College's first white valedictorian. Moorehouse College is a predominantly black all male college. The story goes that this particular student got into some ivy schools, but chose to go to Moorehouse for many reasons. So I guess I understand what Shepherd Smith was saying, but it came out terribly, terribly wrong.

Watch after second 17 when he says, "He could have gone to an ivy league," (evil eyebrows raise) But if you really want entertainment, listen to the first few seconds of the clip where you can hear my dog click clacking around my apartment because I am a terrible dog owner and have not cut his nails in 4 years and they are longer than the nails of a teenage girl in Forest Hills on prom night.

Thems The Breaks

I just found out that because my show is in the Fringe Festival I get a discount on insurance! Yippee! Now if only I could get them to do something about the crick in my neck.

My Neighbor's Cat

So last night I got home to find my neighbor's cat strolling the hallways, wailing. He was locked out and had been for 8 hours. He walked with me towards his owner's door and kept pointing with his nose like, "Hey, that's where I'm supposed to be!" and I really couldn't explain that he was locked out. My dog was having a hissy fit behind my door because the cat had been in the hallway all day and my dog DESPERATELY wanted to play with him. So I took my dog out, tied him to the banister, grabbed my neighbor's cat, threw him in my bedroom and took my dog out for a walk. I called my neighbor who was totally horrified- his girlfriend must have accidentally let the cat out.

When I got home I checked in on the cat who was curled up sleeping comfortably in my dog's bed. There is no end to this story, the guy got home and took his cat. That's really about it.

I'm really sick today and on a lot of DayQuil. But the cat story really did happen.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Chuck E. Cheezy

Oh, man this training video is awesome. This reminds me of the time my friend was training to work at Super America, (think 7-11 but for the Midwest), and there was a part about how to properly dispense gas and in what receptacles were appropriate. One example was: A gas can. Acceptable. A store supplied Slushie cup? Unacceptable.


Yeah. I'm definitely not feeling well.

The Brooklyn Ink

This weekend I was visiting my friend's tattoo shop, (gonna get me a sweet I heart Tempy tramp stamp), and I was looking through his portfolio. There is a great "Before and After" section where you can see all the work he's done to cover tattoos that people wish they had never gotten- Tweety birds, NRA 4 EVA, an arrow pointing to a certain body part with a fake "to do" list above it.

I saw one that was just hilarious- obviously it didn't reference his skill, rather he thought it's sheer simplicity was as funny as I did.

Feeling Crappy

I've avoided it all winter. I've had some close calls. But it's official... I'm motherf@#king sick.

I was feeling a bit ill yesterday but I assumed it was because of my weekend of rocking out. This morning I woke up with some very swollen glands and a sexy, sexy voice. You should hear me answering the phones here.

I'll probably stay the day because there is no one here and I guess I could find some work to do but if I am just too worn out it's home for me. The other girl in the office is sick too so I'm about to take the company's petty cash and head on over to Duane Reade to buy us some company DayQuil.

Friday, May 16, 2008

Sleep It Out

Ok, for those who noticed the half-finished misspelled post about Peppermint Patties, seriously, while I was writing it I started nodding off so I posted it half asleep and then fell asleep at my desk for 20 minutes (there is no one here) and just woke up and saw that and I barely remember even writing it.

To the Patty

I once OD'd on Peppermint Pattie's so I don't order them anymore but I was just craving them real bad so I went upstairs to our old office to snoop around the other hedge fund and see if they had any. They didn't.

For those of you who love Peppermint Patty's, here's a few facts you may not know about this delicious mint and chocolate confection.

- Invented in York, Pennsylvania in 1940 by Henry Kessler, it didn't get nationally distributed until 1975 when the Peter-Paul company acquired the York company

- Its name comes neither from its shape, nor is it after the derogatory word for the Irish, rather, it is named after Charlie Brown's lesbian friend.

- Peppermint Patties are made with trace amounts of cocaine, resulting in addiction and heart palpitations.

- A beer-flavored Pattie called "Peppermint Natty's" was introduced in 1984 and were promptly discontinued the same day.

- Peppermint Patties have been known to naturally cure rickets.

Oink Oink

Who has 2 love handles and just scarfed down lots of pizza? This little piggie.

About That Fire...

I was at a restaurant last night when in the middle of dinner an alarm went off and an automated female voice started talking. All I could hear was "don't panic". And yet the restaurant continued on in full swing, music up, waiters moseying around, etc. So I pulled our waiter over and asked him what was up. He just turns to me and says, "Oh, the roof is on fire."

Insert any joke here.

That reminded me of my favorite Onion article from years ago:

Roof On Fire Claims Lives Of 43 Party People

February 3, 1999

NEW YORK—Tragedy struck at a popular Manhattan nightclub Saturday, when the roof, the roof, the roof of The Tunnel caught fire, collapsing and killing 43 party people. According to fire-department officials, the death toll was exacerbated by the clubgoers' unwillingness to evacuate the burning building.

"I tried shouting to the people on the dance floor that the roof was on fire and that they should exit the premises immediately, but they seemed unfazed by the danger," firefighter Michael Pitti said. "I just kept shouting, 'The roof! The roof! The roof is on fire!' and so forth, but they just went right on dancing, insisting that they didn't need any of our water and that we should let the motherfucker burn."

The party people's refusal to exit the flame-engulfed nightclub is widely believed to have been the result of DJ Phreek Malik's unstoppable mix of the hottest house, funk, hip-hop, disco, jungle and techno beats.

"DJ Phreek Malik was spinning in a manner so hot, these party people were willing to give up their lives for a few extra minutes on the dance floor," New York City fire commissioner Thomas Von Essen said. "Even as a 50-foot-high wall of flames surged toward them, they continued to dance, throwing their hands in the air and waving them as if they just didn't care."

As flames continued to fill the nightclub, firefighters frantically urged the revelers to keep low to the ground to avoid smoke inhalation, but the warnings were universally ignored.

"I was screaming at the top of my lungs, 'Get down! Get down, party people!'" said Garry Hodges of Ladder Company 42, "but the more I shouted out, the harder they danced."

Though an FDNY investigation is still pending, the deadly blaze is believed to have begun at 11:40 p.m., when a roof-mounted ventilation system short-circuited, igniting the motherfucker. The fire is New York's deadliest since 1978, when 117 party people burned, baby, burned to death in a South Bronx disco inferno.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

German? I Don't Even Know Him

Das ist so lustig! Sie sind hinter, an einer Aufgabe zu unterstützen! Was wird je sie machen?!? Ha ha ha ha ha!

Word Fun Time

If you're like me, and I know I am, then you love you a good limerick. Limericks are a rare kind of poetry where it's okay to be dirty as long as everything rhymes. It's like a poetic license but better. Take this classic for example:

"There once was a fellow McSweeny
Who spilled some gin on his weenie
Just to be couth
He added vermouth
Then slipped his girlfriend a martini"

Brills, right? It's got everything- love, adventure, sex... a good limerick is better than any summer blockbuster you'll ever see and they don't cost $11.50

The one thing I like more than reading limericks is writing them. Let's have some fun, shall we?

She called him the Dem Party Pooper
After Clinton's West Virginia win stupor
But to his side she did crawl
After Obama's 3AM call
Where she learned why his delegate was super

I'm F@#king Hungry

I Wanna Go

Someone recently recommended I check out the Wikipedia page for a now defunct amusement park, Action Park, known for its history of several deaths and countless tragic accidents. You really need to read the whole thing but here are a few highlights (bold added by me for emphasis):

"Its popularity went hand in hand with a reputation for poorly-designed, unsafe rides; inattentive, under aged, underpaid and sometimes under-the-influence employees; equally intoxicated and underprepared visitors — and the poor safety record that followed from this perfect storm of circumstances. At least six people are known to have died as a result of mishaps on rides at the park, and it was nicknamed ‘Traction Park’, ‘Accident Park’, ‘Class Action Park’, ‘Danger Park’ and ‘Death Park’ by doctors at nearby hospitals due to the number of severely injured parkgoers they treated."

The article goes on to list rides and cite for each ride exactly what kinds of accidents have occurred, even noting those that were “fairly safe”. But the best part is the legendary Looping Water Slide. Some physics genius decided to have an enclosed water slide with a full vertical loop at the end. I'll repeat that. An enclosed water slide with a full vertical loop at the end. According to the article,

"Employees have reported they were offered hundred-dollar bills to test it. ‘It didn't buy enough booze to drown out the memory’, said [one employee]. It was … was widely rumored that some of the test dummies sent down before it was opened had been dismembered. A rider also reportedly got stuck at the top of the loop due to insufficient water pressure, and a hatch had to be built there to allow for future extrications."

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

So Very Confused

Okay I got an email back from that woman who emailed me but must think I am someone else even though I told her I don't know her. She has other ideas:

"I worked with you at Kraft!!!!"

If anyone has any information as to what this woman is talking about, please let me know.

When Idiots Attack

Okay, this is redonkity-donk. Some meddling idiot is trying to get a liquor license removed from this bar in Park Slope called Union Hall, a very fine neighborhood establishment. But instead of just lodging a complaint like a normal person, he got all Scooby Doo about it, you know how when old man Whithers wants his amusement park back so he pretends it's haunted? Well this fucktard called the FDNY to investigate "dangerous conditions and overcrowding" even though the place was safely under capacity. Luckily all of this was caught on tape and now he has been charged for making false charges. The awesome video is here.

Yeah, I used to work in a bar and I can tell you nothing's better than when some neighbor with a stick up his rectum makes useless noise complaints and wastes our officers and firefighter's time on a Tuesday night because they pay $232,999,565.03 a month in rent in a hotspot neighborhood in New York City and expect absolute peace and quiet. Dicks.

Anyway, there's a community board meeting tonight. Here's the info if you are interested:

Wed 5/14 6:30PM
Borough Hall
Court Room
209 Joralemon St
Brooklyn, NY

Sadly I cannot go but if you do, please, please make sure you keep your bottles of open liquor in brown bags.

Color Me Stupid

She needs to sit in the high-chair... to solve the Rubik's cube. This girl is 3.

That's a Superpoke

Subject: What's going on?

Barack Obama May 14th at 9:02 am "Hey you! Congrats on the big win! What are you gonna do with all those delegates?!!"

Hillary Clinton May 14th at 9:14 am "Oh, thanks! I have a really good feeling about this! How RU? Miss you."

Barack Obama May 14th at 9:23 am "I'm good, just planning out the campaign strategy, the usual. Thought about what you are gonna do with your vacation this summer? I can't join you because I'll be running for pres. but maybe Michelle and I could drop by Chappaqua or something on the campaign trail."

Hillary Clinton May 14th at 9:45 am "No plans yet- still waiting to see about Michigan, remember? Ha ha!"

Barack Obama May 14th at 10:00 am "Oh ok right! Give my best to Bill- and don't work too hard on that 'campaign'!"

Hillary Clinton May 14th at 10:23 am "Well, may as well tell Michelle not to worry, she'll be able to spend LOTS of time with you this summer. Bill says he already misses me when I'll be campaigning against McCain this summer! Wish I had more free time to spend with my family but you know how important this campaign is! Call you later if I get a chance."

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

A Good Afternoon

Hiring a stage manager? Check.

Finding out that an awesome director we met with wants to direct my show? Check.

Picture of furry chihuahua chewing on a finger? Check.

Finding out that the puppy is infected with the rage virus from 28 Weeks Later? Not so good.

What To Do?

This is from an email I just got from a woman I don't know:

"Hey, there...how are you? I'd love to see you and catch up...any chance you'd be available to meet for dinner on Friday (5/30) around 7:00pm? Let me know...thanks!"

Her website is her email address, and she is a 40 something actress in New York City. I actually sent her a massively apologetic email explaining that it's been a crazy week, and I've just been so swamped, and if she wouldn't mind just... reminding me where we met. Ugh, I hope it's really not someone I know.

That Crazy Sue

This is f@#king awesome. This happened last night, live.

Douchebag Award

Today's Douchebag of the Day is filmmaker Harmony Korine. You might know him from his hit movie Kids. First of all his name is Harmony Korine. What a fucking douche. Second, he has some dumb new movie out that's probably a self important piece of bloated commentary about his Bag of Douche. Finally, here's a quote about why he can't live in New York anymore, "New York has changed for me. I used to fall asleep on the subway, and people would steal my shoes. Then I’d wake up and walk barefoot to my grandma’s house in Queens, with glass stuck in my toe. There’s something great about that. Now I feel like I could fall asleep in my shoes and basically, someone would get down on their knees to shine them."

Are you fucking kidding me? What goddamn shoe shining trains are you taking? And you think someone stealing your shoes is "old school rough and tumble?" Talk to the guy who's gotten their ass kicked fully standing and awake on a crowded train during rush hour by a girl just because he looked funny.


New York One

I was watching my boyfriend Pat Kiernan on New York 1 this morning, and there was a story about the Tony Award nominations. This year is especially interesting because of the diversity of shows and audienceship. Two of the Best Musical nominees are from minority playwrights- In the Heights and Passing Strange. But the woman they were interviewing on NY1 couldn't just say that. She for some reason just could not mention race even though the reporter introduced it in the segment as her main talking point.

transcribed from memory

Reporter: So, what makes this year so exciting?

Lady: Oh, mostly the diversity of the pieces because... they are so, different! Like, Passing Strange is uh, a rock opera. And much like last year's winner, Spring Awakening, it really is a different piece of theater.

Reporter: So this year there's something for everyone.

Lady: Yes. I mean look at In the Heights, written by a young... man. So young. This show has come so far.

Reporter: What are some of the changes you've seen this year on Broadway?

Lady: Well, now we have something for all ages, all musical backgrounds, all kinds of people, all different genders (?- not joking, actual quote), all different educational backgrounds.

Reporter: So... the shows are diverse because...

Lady: Oh! Well, the audience is now over 25% non white.

Reporter: Okay, Captain Obvious. That was the entire angle of my goddamn story anyway and you made my piece look fucking retarded.

Monday, May 12, 2008


I've just been told that flavonoids, a benefit of dark chocolate, are really really good for you. Here's what I found on the web:

"Flavonoids are compounds found in fruits, vegetables, and certain beverages that have diverse beneficial biochemical and antioxidant effects. Their dietary intake is quite high compared to other dietary antioxidants like vitamins C and E. The antioxidant activity of flavonoids depends on their molecular structure, and structural characteristics of certain flavonoids found in hops and beer confer surprisingly potent antioxidant activity exceeding that of red wine, tea, or soy."

Chocolate, red wine and beer? Sounds awesome. If that's the case I'm indestructible.


I just got a personalized card from a rep at Staples. I think we're totes going steady.

Down Memory Lane

Yesterday I had the rare opportunity to watch a tape of me performing with my improv group in college. There I was- all liberal-arts'd out, with short choppy hair, baggy carpenters jeans, funky work-shirt, and all I could think was,

Why didn't anyone tell me I looked like such a dyke? Did the words, "form fitting clothes" ever make their way into my vocabulary? Don't get me wrong, I looked kinda cute, but I had a pretty good body back then that I never took the opportunity to show it off. Now I work to keep my figure this way, you know, the same way the celebs do- smaller portions, pilates and hikes with my dog, but back then it just came naturally with my diet of coffee and cigarettes.

Oh, and there were actually times while watching the video that I couldn't even tell if it was me or this boy in my group I kinda resembled. The quality was rather poor, but still.

Play it Out

Hey, remember when Bill O'Reilly once referred to a loofah as a falafel? This is almost as good.

(PS- I just saw DancingAtGunpoint posted this too but heck, can't get enough of the O'Reilly)

Friday, May 09, 2008

Dad, You're Embarassing Me

I'll leave you with this. Thank you, Ed.

On the Case

Just had to file a report for my headshots...

Where's The Bar Car

You know what's worse than being stuck in traffic? Being quarantined on a train because someone died of a mysterious illness. This is like a Keanu Reeves movie, but real and better acted.


This conversation just happened.

Douchey Male Boss: Next time we have guests, could you give them a silver spoon with their cup instead of plastic? Thanks.

Me: Actually...

DMB: What?

Me: The last time I gave your guests silverware they told me they couldn't use it, because being Jewish, they had to know if the silverware had ever been used for meat or dairy and opted instead for plastic. So now I just play it safe.

DMB: Uh, just... if they don't have a yarmulke, assume they'll take the silverware.

Me: Sure, whatever.

Let's Go Green

This puppy in New Orleans was born green. According to the woman who runs the shelter, this is quite common when the fluid from the amniotic sac mixes with the birthing... stuff, and therefore causes a reaction that makes the thingamajig uh, green or whatnot. Or something.

In a completely unrelated story, the dog's mother has been known to have sex with plutonium waste sites.

So Freaking Cute

OK this cheered me up.


HAHHAHAHHAHA! What's so funny? Oh, I'm just laughing about how the new cleaning lady threw out a box of my expensive headshots, along with some very very important paperwork and I just spent the last hour with the janitors and building manager. So funny! Who wants to dig through some trash with me?

Thursday, May 08, 2008


Oh, so there's that leftover platter of salmon I couldn't find for three months!

Apparently not only do my co-workers not know how to clean out the fridge, but they like to find neat hiding places for very perishable items.

I Need Help

Ladies and gentlemen, the bane of my existence. Notice how many customer service windows there are, and no employees. Rest easy though- my boss has a silver phone again. (The balloons are celebrating the "Red Hot Deals".)

Candid Candidate Moment

Obamarama (3:03:36 PM): Haaaaaaaaaay
Rodham4Prs2008 (3:03:41 PM): sup
Obamarama (3:04:04 PM): How RU felin’?
Rodham4Pres2008 (3:04:18 PM): retty crappy
Rodham4Pres2008 (3:04:42 PM): pretty
Obamarama (3:04:49 PM): LOOLLLZZ!!111
Rodham4Pres2008 (3:05:09 PM): Bar
Obamarama (3:05:36 PM): si
Rodham4Pres2008 (3:06:10 PM): howz yr fundraising going?
Obamarama (3:10:46 PM): ok
Obamarama (3:10:51 PM): :)
Obamarama (3:11:07 PM): I just got nother $4.34 yesterday slow day
Rodham4Prs2008 (3:11:54 PM): damn
Obamarama (3:11:56 PM): kiddin obv
Rodham4Prs2008 (3:12:02 PM): ha! LOL
Obamarama (3:12:10 PM): naw just 5 mil fm the wrbsite
Obamarama (3:12:13 PM): website
Rodham4Prs2008 (3:12:18 PM): yeah I got another 6 milz
Obamarama (3:12:19 PM): AWESOME!!!!!!
Rodham4Prs2008 (3:12:21 PM): yah I got sum biiig donos in da midwest
Obamarama (3:12:29 PM): I lurve the MW
Rodham4Prs2008 (3:12:30 PM): Totes
Obamarama (3:12:53 PM): 4real
Rodham4Prs2008 (3:13:02 PM): serial
Obamarama (3:13:05 PM): so serial it’s Captain Crunch
Rodham4Prs2008 (3:13:14 PM): haha
Obamarama (3:13:17 PM): I got a little captain in me
Rodham4Prs2008 (3:13:36 PM): likee the commercial? lol
Obamarama (3:13:41 PM): you want a little captain in you? haha
Rodham4Prs2008 (3:13:45 PM): ROTFLMAO!
Obamarama (3:13:58 PM): hahahaha
Obamarama (3:14:04 PM): I swa mccain yesterday
Obamarama (3:14:18 PM): saw
Rodham4Prs2008 (3:14:31 PM): rlly
Obamarama (3:14:55 PM): ha yeah
Obamarama (3:14:58 PM): wait… brb
Rodham4Prs2008 (3:15:00 PM): ok
Obamarama (3:35:10 PM): ok back. Had to kiss a baby
Rodham4Prs2008 (3:35:13 PM): yah I kissed 5
Obamarama (3:35:43 PM): coolz
Obamarama (3:36:11 PM): have you seen this
Obamarama (3:36:18 PM): http://youtube.com/watch?v=FzRH3iTQPrk
Rodham4Prs2008 (4:46:38 PM): sorry im back had to kiss more babies
Obamarama (4:46:44 PM): babies!
Rodham4Prs2008 (4:46:49 PM): haha! That was funny the panda sneezing
Rodham4Prs2008 (4:46:54 PM): hey Bar
Obamarama (4:47:01 PM): yah
Rodham4Prs2008 (4:47:04 PM): can I have Michigan?
Obamarama (4:47:10 PM): hahhahha! no
Obamarama (4:47:14 PM): hah
Obamarama (4:47:21 PM): haaaaaaaaaaaay
Obamarama (4:47:27 PM): Hil?
Rodham4Prs2008 signed off at 4:47:30 PM


Last night I had the opportunity to hang out with my friend Jonah, who has a touch of the old cancer. In the groin area. So a bunch of us, in solidarity, have created a line of GROINSTRONG merchandise- GROINSTRONG bracelets, pins and shirts (allegedly, Steve). So now that I have something to give away, I've decided to hold another...

Tempy Will Send You Something In The Mail Contest!!!

OK Steve:

So here we go: If Barack Obama were a beverage (alcoholic or otherwise), which one would he be and why?

There may be multiple "winners". Judging is completely subjective.

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Ask Me Again

Hello! Let's look in the old "Ask Tempy" mailbag again! Let's see... *papers ruffling* Ah! Here's a good one!

"Dear Tempy,

Is it true that swans mate for life?

- Bird Watcher in Brooklyn"

Truly a strange question, BW! I'll do my best to answer. According to Wikipedia, "swans usually mate for life, though 'divorce' does sometimes occur, particularly following nesting failure." I'm pretty sure that's true in any species- and by 'nesting failure' I don't think they were talking about a poorly made nest *wink*. Come to think of it, when birds lay eggs, maybe that's where the term, "getting laid" is from. Hmm. Where was I? Oh, right. Let's learn some other interesting things about these majestic creatures, thanks to Wikipedia:

- In England swans are protected from poaching by law since they are considered property of the Crown.

- Swans are often a symbol of love or fidelity because of their long-lasting monogamous relationships.

- Swans can break children's arms with their necks.

No-Sex Sundays

No, say it ain't so!

Sue Johanson, the host of Oxygen's Sunday Night Sex Show, is retiring after 32 years on TV. She says, "I'm going to miss it terribly. It's been part of my life and I just love it. I'm going to miss writing scripts. I'm going to miss having to read books. I'm going to miss playing with sex toys."

She's the best. I hope I'm like her when I'm her age.


Hey, have I mentioned that my SISTER FREAKING ROCKS??? Like the rock on that t-shirt. Or Ba-rock Obama. She puts the Rock in Rock 'n Roll. I can't wait to take that money she donated for my show and let it ride in Vegas. What number shall I put it all on? Roulette has like, 5:4 odds, right?

Rock and Rule

Can someone please buy me this shirt? My co-worker is wearing it today and I am dying.

Tuesday, May 06, 2008


Hey guys! I just got some questions for Ask Tempy! Go figure!

Here's the first:

"Dear Tempy,

How does Zicam® work?

- Snifflin' in Brooklyn"

Dear Snifflin,

So glad you asked. Zicam® is quite possibly the most misunderstood medications to date since Cipro. Basically, most colds start as a small virus in your nose. Zicam® is actual zinc that you spray right on the source of the cold in your nose to keep it from spreading. You know how when you start to feel sick it sometimes feels like there's a small angry animal in your sinuses and then it explodes into a huge monster in your head? Well that's because that is exactly what has happened. Zicam® can prevent that. That's how Zicam® works.

Zicam®, working


I... guess no one has any questions for Ask Tempy... can't really have an advice column when no one wants advice. *sigh* It's cool. *whistle* Well this is awkward. Anyway...



This is a good movie but the ending is a bit weak. Can you guess my favorite part?


I guess somebody has a problem with Family Guy. I'll admit, I haven't seen many episodes, but nothing beats this clip:

On the Lamb

Okay, what happened here. No, seriously, what's going on? I'm scared to guess.

Monday, May 05, 2008

I'm Cheeky

Have you ever bitten your cheek and then you keep biting it by accident and the pain gets worse and worse? Ow.

Are You Kidding

Ladies and gentlemen, Hineyface and Titclown at the Kentucky Derby is a non-posed photo. The binoculars are the wrong way. Seriously.

Too Much Time

Hey, what do you get when you put a bunch of bored scientists obsessed with the apocalypse? Why this study, of course.

You see, if ever there were a pandemic of some sort, who should doctors let die? The lucky additions to the list include:

- People older than 85.

- Those with severe trauma, which could include critical injuries from car crashes and shootings.

- Severely burned patients older than 60.

- Those with severe mental impairment, which could include advanced Alzheimer's disease.

- Those with a severe chronic disease, such as advanced heart failure, lung disease or poorly controlled diabetes.

My favorite is "severely burned patients over 60". The logic behind this is a "blueprint for hospitals 'so that everybody will be thinking in the same way' when pandemic flu or another widespread health care disaster hits."

Really? I'm sorry, but when a pandemic hits, I'm pretty sure this study will conveniently escape people's minds as the looting for vaccines begins.

I seriously wish I were in the room for this meeting. Who would you put on the list?

- Republicans
- Shifty folk
- Anyone on the OC, The Hills or Dancing With The Stars
- The guy with the jackhammer in front of my building at 6:30 this morning

Am I missing anyone?


Hey guys! Great news! A show I wrote got accepted into the New York International Fringe Festival!!! I have been so busy even just this morning- I already have three interviews with potential stage managers lined up. Oh, and I need $20,000. Anyone wanna donate? No, but seriously I'm thrilled! And I need $20,000! Yippee! I've had too much coffee!

Friday, May 02, 2008

Ask Tempy

"Dear Tempy,

I just went to use the bathroom on my office floor and I saw a pregnant woman leaving the stall before me. Can I get pregnant if I sit on the same toilet she sat on?"

- Curious in Midtown

Dear Curious,

Contrary to popular opinion, toilet seats are actually cleaner than our own mouths. It is nearly impossible to catch and germs, disease or pregnancy from your average public toilet seat. If, however, you are still concerned, let me explain your odds.

Odds of catching from a toilet seat:

The flu- 143:1
Syphilis- 2,324:1
Common cold- 3,543:1
A bad case of dumb- 42,007:1
A baby- 54,276:1

So you see, the odds really are in your favor. There are, however, rare cases where you can catch a baby and coincidentally the only ones documented have been 17 year old girls and for some scientific reason, it is always on their prom night when they went to the bathroom and unexpectedly "gave birth".

Got any more questions? I'm here to help! Welcome to the new feature, Ask Tempy! Just email me at AskTempy@gmail.com (really) and if I answer them on my blog, your identity will be kept anonymous. Happy asking!



I Wanna Go

This is a video store called Megaflicks. Can't you tell? This reminds me of the time we were driving through Scotland and there was a store called "Floor King". The sign outside boasted, "Our prices are Floor King awesome!"

Super Poke

OK for anyone who is as perplexed by Facebook as I am, you have got to watch this. This is hilarious.

Dog Parks and Club Culture

Thanks to Gmail's suggested reading links, I clicked on the article about "Dangers of the Dog Park" because it sounded kind of exciting. As I'm reading through, I realize that we as humans can relate to being in these scenarios too. Here's some choice risks:

"Risk 1: Unaltered Dogs
A female dog that has not been spayed is in great danger at a dog park. Unaltered males could mount the female in a matter of moments, opening her up to the risk of pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases. And female dogs in heat could bring on an onslaught of attention from males, who might then become aggressive with each other to win over the female. If you’re bringing your unaltered female dog to the dog park, do so with extreme caution. Avoid taking her there when she is in heat."

Waaaaaaait a minute. That sounds an awful lot like when you take a trampy friend to a club. You know the girl- she really just wants to go out to meet boys but if all doesn't work out at the end of the night she's all, "We girls gotta stick together!" Yeah, avoid taking that friend out, especially when she's in heat, which is invariably. Where was I? Oh, yes.

"Risk 2: Food and Toys
Outside food and toys are a joy—to the dog to whom they belong. Another dog’s food and toys are an invitation; your dog will want to take these desired objects by any means possible. Outside toys can bring upon fights, potentially causing injury and passing germs."

That's kind of like when I go out to Bungalo 8, sit down at the bar and cut a biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig line of cocaine, I'm talking strait up pure Bolivian Marching Powder, some super fine Yeyo Bazulco, you know what I'm sayin'? And as the crowd starts to form around me like moths to a light, I put my arms around the palatial rails of snow and say, "Naw, dude. It's mine."

"Risk #5: Foreign Objects, People and Animals"

I have no club reference to this. Clearly it is a commentary about immigration and I don't want to piss Lou Dobbs off.

Thursday, May 01, 2008

Jesse Turns 10

OK, so my dog turns 10 years old today. I know! It seems that just yesterday he was a little, bratty, eating crap off the ground, hyper young whippersnapper. Now he's a big old, bratty, eating crap off the ground slightly slower old man. I'm having a little "party" next week, and by party I mean bringing 40's to the dog park and watching him limp around. Care to join me?

All kidding aside, I love that little guy. Happy Birthday Jesse! You don't look a day over 70 in dog years. Oh, and it's also my upstairs neighbor's birthday today and in dog years she'd be 224.

An Unexpected Detour

I didn't wake up this morning expecting to go to the gynecologist but when I saw I needed a refill of my prescription for the no-baby medicine I went ahead and called. (I actually have been using the pill to prevent ovarian cancer. TMI?) Turns out they could fit me in today and coincidentally, an hour after the appt. I had an audition scheduled right down the street from my doctor. Perfect. To make things even better, my gyno informed me that now that I am over 30 I am in the clear for a lot of diseases so now I only have to have a pap every other year. Using my Get Out Of Pap Free card, the examination only took like, 5 minutes. She just asked me some questions and examined my boobs; it was a lot like a first date, really.

My audition was in some swanky graphics studio with a bunch of very impersonal homosexuals and it was for a film noir animated movie. So I gave my sexiest, Frenchiest, film-noiriest, huskiest voice and we'll see if their non-response was a good one.

Last Night

So last night was a screening of a short film I shot almost a year ago where I play a dominatrix with a heart of gold. For those of you who remember, I actually had to have extensive fight and dominatrix "training". The Fight/Safety lessons were given to me by a WWF lady named Trinity while the Domination/How To Properly Flog sessions were given to be my a very nice she-male named Red.

The cool thing about this piece is that while it was submitted as a senior thesis for Columbia film school, the two ladies graduating have been collaborating with Ethan Coen's wife who is an editor and is interested in pursuing some independent projects, hence the film I was in last night that she co-wrote, produced and edited. As a result, I got to meet Ethan Coen on the set and we had a fascinating conversation about cream cheese at the craft services table. ("Is that tofu or regular?" "Tofu.")

Pre-screening, my mother and I grab a drink across from the theater when lo and behold we run into him with his wife, also heading to the screening. Here's what transpired:

Me: Hey guys. This is my mother.

Mom: Hello.

Ethan Coen: I saw the film already. Your daughter is great. She's a wonderful dominatrix.

Mom: You should meet her sister!

I think it's because my sister used to physically beat me up as a child.

In The News

Okay you guys, seriously, you should check out this article about the workplace making you sick like it did me. For those of you who don't know, I ended up in the emergency room last year due to the allergies I have in the office I work in. Turns out it's really common!

Here's a few choice quotes:

"Work-induced allergy is fairly simple to diagnose: the symptoms worsen as the workday progresses, and lessen after you leave. And you feel fine on weekends and vacations.

An allergic reaction is an overreaction of the immune system, causing everything from rashes to life-threatening anaphylactic shock. Sometimes the reaction occurs the first time a substance is encountered, but allergies more commonly develop after repeated exposure."

No way, see, I really am allergic to work. But I think we all already knew that.

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