A day by day and often hourly account of a temp

Friday, February 26, 2010

Snow Again

If you have any friends in New York, you may have heard about the snow. Yeah, there's a lot of it, but it's not crazy. I do hope it snows on my birthday again. Oh, Tuesday is my birthday. I turn 23 (plus 11). They didn't shovel outside this morning so my dog had to navigate through super high snow drifts, but it was really cute. He loves the snow until he remembers he has arthritis.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

That's Easy

My boss has a (social) meeting with Rahm Emmanuel on Monday, and she told me to speak to his assistant to set it up. The problem is, she doesn't have the number. So we called the White House. Guess what? We were put right through. It IS like it looks on 24!

His Space

Ummmmmmmmmm... so this 19 year old kid is going to prison for 15 years for posing as a girl on Facebook and getting underage girls to send naked photos of themselves, then using them as blackmail for sexual favors.

What kind of conversations ensued that got these girls to send naked pictures of themselves?

"Oh, hey Susie. Look at my nipples. They aren't that perky. What do you think? Can you send me pictures of your nipples so we can compare?"

"Sure! LOL!"

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

So Preponderant

A couple of years ago my friends and I got into a song-writing frenzy based on one big joke. Basically, a friend got one of those spam emails, and the subject line was, "My shaft is extremely preponderant!". We thought it would make a great song title. So one friend wrote and recorded it. Then, the stylized covers began...

I created a page consolidating all the songs so you can listen to my friends, and yours truly, online. I do a mean Shakira impersonation:

Wow Amazing

Hi. And the thing I can't stop watching today is this. It's a song an Italian wrote in gibberish to sound like English. That's all I can say right now.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

What Can't Brown Do For You

So the UPS man decided to be a wise guy today and not bring me my package again. I put up such a stink that his supervisor is personally delivering it to me today. But when I was on the phone with one of the UPS ladies, I was pissed but still pretty calm and joking around and she stopped me and said, "Can I just say... I really like your personality." I was all, is that a joke? I can smell sarcasm a mile away. She says, "No, I mean, I get calls all day long and you just seem really cool. Anyway, sorry about that package. I'm going to call my supervisor for you."

Did the UPS lady just hit on me?

Too Awesome

Ahahhahahhahah yes!

Free Books!

You guys today might be the day I get my autographed Ari Fleischer book! I am actually not at all excited about anything from Ari Fleischer, I just like getting stuff. For those of you who don't know, the A-Flash was the White House Press Secretary to George W. Bush from 2001-2003. The long story short is I know his brother, who is a big fan of yours truly. He promised he'd bring me a book. I asked for an autograph headshot, but I may as well get some reading in.

Monday, February 22, 2010

Random Thoughts

There's a great scene in that movie Doubt where Meryl Streep's character Sister Aloysius Beauvier says to Father Flynn, "I have no sympathy for you. I know you are invulnerable to true regret."

Man, that's exactly how I feel about the UPS guy right now. He's a grade A douchebag who hates his job and therefore decides not to do it. On an off day, he will "just decide" not to drop off a package, and give some stupid reason when you try to track it. There were already 2 complaints lodged against him last week, and once I had to run to the truck to physically remove my boss's bar mitzvah save the date cards from his cold evil grip because he said it was "undeliverable" because there was a scratch on the side. Yeah, I got the cards, and the date was saved.

Today I'm expecting a package- it's a dress I bought for myself because I'm all fancy sometimes. He again said he had to reschedule the delivery date (last I checked it wasn't up to the UPS guy's convenience). I called and they are sending him back with my goddamn dress. Because really, we actually tip him on the holidays, and that's above and beyond. The least he could do is his job.

I love that quote though - really smart and definitely applicable to just a few people I've had the misfortune of knowing. One of them still totally google stalks me and I just got an email he is "following me on Twitter", then un-followed me because he probably clicked the "follow" button in a drunken stupor because he secretly beats off to me because I'm the only person I know of who refused to have sex with him.

So besides the UPS guy and my stinky stalker, who else is on that list? I guess my dad, but I don't hate him, really. I've come to a place where I can accept who he is. He's still nuts, but hey, we're all family, right? Some people are bigger nuts than others. He's somewhere along the lines of a lychee whereas I'm more of a pine. Now I'm hungry.

Where's my damn package?


Well this blows. Last week I got some cavities filled (that's what she said) and while I was on novacaine I bit my tongue really bad AND the back of my mouth is still a little swollen from all the needles. I had to apply orajel twice while eating my lunch, it's that bad. Now my salad tastes like balsamic and orajel.

Park This, A Hole

I don't drive. Here are some of the reasons. What's your favorite?

Friday, February 19, 2010

Now This is Art

I found an online painting site and I was messing around with it because I'm designing a stamp for my boss's kids mitzvahs. I took a step back and realized that what I had made was, indeed, a masterpiece.

Great Success!

I'm looking to plan two vacations soon. I have a lot of friends to visit so that counts as one, but I also need to get away for a few days and not think about anything and swim in a pool and lay in the sun. I'm doing some research about hotels in Miami so I'm going on Tripadvisor. This is a picture that popped up in the reviews area:

What on earth could possibly be the best drink in the whole of America? Because last I checked, frozen lemonade wasn't all that.

The Rushinator

Palin4Pres2012 (11:54:35 AM): sup homie!

TheRush (11:56:41 AM): hey Sarah

TheRush (11:56:44 AM): how ru

Palin4Pres2012 (11:56:47 AM): I'm great!!!!!!

Palin4Pres2012 (11:56:52 AM): speakin' a lot

Palin4Pres2012 (11:56:56 AM): everyone askin for ya Rush at the tea parties

Palin4Pres2012 (11:57:07 AM): no tea tho!

TheRush (12:03:05 PM): ha ha. Sure.

Palin4Pres2012 (12:03:33 PM): They like their beer!

TheRush (12:04:48 PM): How's your retarded son?

Palin4Pres2012 (12:05:06 PM): ha ha you mean ex son in law. Hahhaha!

Palin4Pres2012 (12:05:53 PM): hahahhahahahhahahahha!!!

TheRush (12:06:20 PM): Ha ha ha. No, seriously Trig. The retard.

Palin4Pres2012 (12:06:30 PM): oooooooooooooh hahah I know. He's good still retarded!

TheRush (12:06:39 PM): fucking retarded

Palin4Pres2012 (12:06:43 PM): hahahhahahahah

TheRush (12:06:52 PM): I say that as satire.

Palin4Pres2012 (12:06:57 PM): I know ur so funny!

TheRush (12:07:05 PM): you're fucking retarded too and your tits are saggy

Palin4Pres2012 (12:07:14 PM): HAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAH LOLOLOLOLZZZZZ!!!!!11!!!!!

TheRush (12:08:17 PM): your husband is a cocksucker

Palin4Pres2012 (12:09:28 PM): ROTFLMAO

TheRush (12:13:52 PM): oh and Piper's a little dyke

Palin4Pres2012 (12:16:08 PM): where do u get these?!? Hahhahahahahhahahhahahahah!!!

TheRush (12:16:35 PM): you're a fucking bitch

Palin4Pres2012 (12:16:35 PM): I love u rush!!!

Palin4Pres2012 (12:16:38 PM): hahhahahhahahahahhahah!!!

Thursday, February 18, 2010


See, this is why your cat is so freaked out all the time.

You're feeding him LSD.

Le Snowboard

This is French snowboarder Mathieu Crepel. He loves France so much, that his Frenchie mustache is painted on and his last name is dedicated to crepes. He likes red wine too.

Old People

Did you know that the AARP every year has a Movies For Grownups Awards? I love that that exists. For my Canadian friends, the AARP is the Association for the Advancement of Retired Persons. Well, movies like The Bucket List, It's Complicated and Gran Torino do really well there. In fact, I'm sure the idea for the award show was spurned the year Cocoon came out - old people loved that movie. Movies like Glitter and From Justin to Kelly? Not so much.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

I Love It

This kid is my HERO. Well worth the detention. If you're unimpressed with the originality of the joke, remember, this kid's in grade school.

Like a Lady

Now everyone relax, I want you all to know something. I was feeling a little sluggish and unsure about my femininity. Then I watched this figure skating performance. Honest to god, I got all tingly and felt like a woman again. Not because this guy's so masculine, oh no. But because he rivaled my lady like delicateness with such aplomb, I had to sit back, shake my head and apply some lip balm. No one puts Tempy in the corner! If this guy can do it, I gotta step it up.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Strong Beer

OK these people made beer that is 41% alcohol. Yes, it's true. They say that as a result, it should only be enjoyed in "spirit sized" glasses.

Because nothing's better than sipping elegantly on a tumbler of beer.

Ha Ha It's Called Ben Gay

I just totally put Ben Gay on my Bosslady's back and neck. What does that make us?

Friday, February 12, 2010

Star Tuna

Oh my god I've had the craziest day you guys I have barely gotten to any of my favorite sites let alone my own. I finally saw this that was sent this morning. I am. again, speechless.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

So Awesome

HELLS FUCKING YEAH. It's a Hoodie Footie Snuggle Suit. My birthday is coming up. No, don't. I want this, white, ladies baby doll, size medium.

It Was A Good Part

Yesterday I actually got a snow day! Since I guess people think I must walk home to Brooklyn instead of taking fully functioning trains, they sent us home at 2. It was awesome.

Now I have to call Time Warner Cable and try to explain that the reason I bought Couples Therapy twice on in Demand was because the other channel was cutting out and it got to a really good part in the movie and well... I had to find out how it ended but I don't want to get charged twice.

Shut up.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

I See Snow

Well happy snow day, mother f@#kers. Here in New York the blizzard isn't quite there yet, but the snow is putting a nice blanket on the city, I'll say that. Yeah, this is my neighborhood while walking back from Boot Camp this morning.

Tuesday, February 09, 2010

Sports Shopping

I don't know what Performance Underwear is supposed to do for you, but it was just advertised to me as if I needed it. I need a new sports bra, that I do know, but I'm not sure what these panties will do for me.

He's Crazy

This article really pisses me off. It's about this woman who tried to arrest a man groping women on the subway. The cops said there was noting they could do because he was "crazy". Yes, that was the sound of my palm slapping my forehead. But this is the best part:

"Warren didn’t get a photo of the man, but said he was dressed memorably in a big puffy coat with a hood on tight, gloves with little shamrocks on them and jeans with a long black skirt over them."

Monday, February 08, 2010

Happy Time

I love the superbowl.

Kitty Show

If you didn't watch the Puppy Bowl this weekend, you really missed out. It was fantastic- bigger and better than ever. My favorite part was the Kitty Half Time Show, when all these cats and kittens took over the "field", and during the grand finale, confetti flew out and they all FROZE. I have never seen a group of cats more confused in their lives, next to that one time when Obama tried to herd them towards a room to vote on health care.

Scroll to the 6:57 mark.

Friday, February 05, 2010

My Cold

Ack. This cold is cramping my style. Luckily, I successfully completed the first week of boot camp. Now enjoy this while I wait for the DayQuil to kick in.

Thursday, February 04, 2010

My Big Gay Shopping Trip

Everyone at Lenscrafters totally thought I was with my sugarmomma today, you guys. When my Bosslady and I walked into the store together the dyke-alarm went off from the steam of our obvious progressive partnership. The guy who helped us said, "And who will be buying glasses today?" We said, "Both of us," simultaneously, like we had just put our hands in the movie popcorn at the same time and let them sit there for just a little too long. After that, we giggled and playfully tickled each other while our frame guy found us the perfect glasses. I pick them up after work.

Shopping Day

Ugh I am not looking forward to getting glasses but I have to. I went frame browsing yesterday and I'm all sorts of confused. My Bosslady has to get a replacement pair and she swears by a local Lenscrafters, so we may go shopping together. I think she just wants to live vicariously through me and make me pick out some super fun frames- she got so excited when I told her I needed glasses. I'm flattered/concerned.

Wednesday, February 03, 2010

Who Let The Cat Out

This is the weirdest f@#king thing I have ever seen.

We Are The Hotheads

If you haven't already heard, 7823869026574563 celebrities got together and gave away an entire hour of their lives to charity by doing something they hate to do- showing off. Yes, they remade We Are The World for Haiti. Pass them all the Nobel prize for awesomeness right now; what a sacrifice.

It was bad enough when the first one came out and everyone was one-upping each other. Now there are 3 times more of these inflated egos. I can't wait to see Jennifer Hudson give Barbara Streisand her moment to shine (not).

Tuesday, February 02, 2010

Prosti Dude

If you haven't yet eaten your lunch, don't read this. It's an under-cover (no pun intended) journalist's account of her experience with Nevada's first legal male hooker.


There are two count 'em two pregnant ladies in the office today for a meeting. I really hope I don't catch something.

In other news, I sometimes read this nasty lady's column in AMNY or Metro or one of those free papers, where every week she complains about something involving her kids, husband or friends. Today she was all, "I want more attention from my husband!" Anyway, a few weeks ago, she was saying how pissed she was when, while she was pregnant, her friends asked, "Oh, are you going to breastfeed?" She was like, "It's no one's business!"

Well you know what, the fact that your friends are technically shareholders in your kids' lives based purely on all the money you expect them to spend on your children, I think your friends can ask you anything they want. Maybe they really are curious- it's a big change in someone's lives, breastfeeding. Maybe they are thinking of getting pregnant and are seeking out advice. Or maybe they're just like me- making smalltalk about nothing in particular because you just announced to the entire world that your husband shot a wad in your muffin and you chose to keep it.

Either way, breastfeeding is a beautiful thing.

Monday, February 01, 2010


Wow I'm sore. I kind of feel like this right now, except I didn't wet the carpet like this guy did.

Booty Camp

I woke up at 5:45 this morning to go to a 6:30 fitness Boot Camp that my friend is running. It was super awesome, but now I feel like I am going to pass out from both the pain and the sheer amount of activity. Plus yesterday I ended up going on a 2 mile excursion to buy cheap sweatpants at this low-end mall near my neighborhood, so I'm a little sore from that.

The sweatpants are great, though. They're black 3/4 length and have written neon graffiti style on them that says, "Phys Ed".

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