A day by day and often hourly account of a temp

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Dog Shaming

Hey all,

Sorry, I've been a little bit busy with a super secret anonymous project. Ok I'll tell you - I've been writing dirty stuff. But it's funny, so you should check it out.

And now, some dog shaming.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Behind the Scenes

It is 2am at a sleepy, near-empty pub in the middle of nowhere, Iowa. There are two men slumped over their drinks at the bar. 

OBAMA: That was a good one.

ROMNEY: The binders? Shit, I don't know why I said that. (Romney downs his whiskey in one shot and motions the bartender for a refill)

OBAMA: No, no man - don't be so hard on yourself. That was actually pretty good. Shoot, I wish I had thought of that.

ROMNEY: Your Lilly Ledbetter response was spot on. (Romney gazes into his drink) Spot on, man.

OBAMA: (puts his arm around Romney) Listen to me. Lis... listen to me. Mitt, Mitt... look at me. Mitt.

ROMNEY: (Mitt jerks his head up and focuses his eyes on Obama) Huh, what? I was just...

OBAMA: You were fading, that's what you were doing. Fucking fading. And winners don't fade. Mitt. Mitt! (Obama snaps his fingers)

ROMNEY: Goddamnit Barry, you're right. It's just that, this is really hard. My campaign advisers are always telling me what to do, I don't even know what I believe in anymore, I'm only drinking this damn scotch because my image consultant tells me "regular people" drink.

OBAMA: Darn right they do. (Obama sips his Bud and shakes his head) Ugh, I can't believe they don't have Flatlander’s Lincolnshire Lager in this shit hole.

ROMNEY: Come again?

OBAMA: It's a local craft beer from Chicago. It's got a mild corn-fed flavor, and even though it's one note, it pairs well with just about anything, depending on your palate.

ROMNEY: Who the fuck are you?

OBAMA: Just... just a guy from Ken... I MEAN Chicago. And Hawaii... and other American places.

ROMNEY: No but, how is it that you know so much more about these fancy things than I? I have money and cars and dressage horses for chrissakes. You're just a...

OBAMA: A classy black guy? You can say it.

ROMNEY: How... how can I be more like you?

OBAMA: Mitt, have you ever heard of the term, "fake it 'till you make it?"

ROMNEY: It's what I do every day.

OBAMA: No... I mean like, an actual end goal. Like, let's pretend you have a clear vision of what you want.

ROMNEY: I don't understand. What do you want me to want?

OBAMA: No Mitt, ugh (rubs his hands on his temples). Remember maybe when you were in school, and there was a really hot chick you wanted to get with?

ROMNEY: Yeah, and I MARRIED her!

(The two high five)

OBAMA: Ok but how did you woo her?

ROMNEY: I told her everything she wanted to hear.

OBAMA: And...

ROMNEY: Oh, OH! I acted like I was really popular even though I wasn't. I paid a bunch of guys from the Football team to hoist me over their shoulders and cheer every time she walked by.

OBAMA: Now that's what I'm talking about. (They clink glasses)

ROMNEY: Barry?

OBAMA: Yes, Mitt?

ROMNEY: If I give you $5, will you put me on your shoulders at the next debate?

OBAMA: How about you donate $10 million to my online campaign, and I'll let you get on my shoulders now.

ROMNEY: Make it $20 million if I don't get a thank you email from someone on your staff with a shitty subject line.

OBAMA: I can't promise you that.

ROMNEY: Ok, 10 mil it is.

OBAMA: Deal.

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Wednesday, October 10, 2012

(New) Life of the Party

I am so glad these people did this. And it's even better when these people also happen to be friends of mine:

Monday, October 01, 2012

Breaking Amish

I don't know if I'll ever be the same since discovering the TLC "reality" show Breaking Amish. When I put air quotes around the word "reality", it's not that I don't get that most of these shows are slightly scripted. It's because this one blatantly is. And it's just...

Let's just say after a few hours of the marathon the other day, here's what I learned:

  1. Kate looks just like Elizabeth Moss and acts like old school Peggy Olson. It's FREAKY.
  2. There is a girl with no teeth. No teeth! She has them all pulled when she was 19 because some Amish do that. She wears dentures. I have a hard time looking away.
  3. If you are half Puerto Rican, adopted by Mennonites, leave the Mennonite fold and go to Queens to find your "roots", you will not only get the first job you apply for at a Puerto Rican restaurant, but your new boss with take you out, get you a make-over at a salon and buy you clothes.
  4. The Amish's idea of "English" aka "everyday" clothes consists solely of Ed Hardy attire.
  5. I watched this show for three hours. I still can't get over that.
Programming note - if you are around on Wednesday night and want to watch me give a ten minute educational lecture about why I love romance novels, this is the place for you. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to scrub my eyeballs from watching all that Amish breaking.

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