Behind the Scenes

It is 2am at a sleepy, near-empty pub in the middle of nowhere, Iowa. There are two men slumped over their drinks at the bar. 

OBAMA: That was a good one.

ROMNEY: The binders? Shit, I don't know why I said that. (Romney downs his whiskey in one shot and motions the bartender for a refill)

OBAMA: No, no man - don't be so hard on yourself. That was actually pretty good. Shoot, I wish I had thought of that.

ROMNEY: Your Lilly Ledbetter response was spot on. (Romney gazes into his drink) Spot on, man.

OBAMA: (puts his arm around Romney) Listen to me. Lis... listen to me. Mitt, Mitt... look at me. Mitt.

ROMNEY: (Mitt jerks his head up and focuses his eyes on Obama) Huh, what? I was just...

OBAMA: You were fading, that's what you were doing. Fucking fading. And winners don't fade. Mitt. Mitt! (Obama snaps his fingers)

ROMNEY: Goddamnit Barry, you're right. It's just that, this is really hard. My campaign advisers are always telling me what to do, I don't even know what I believe in anymore, I'm only drinking this damn scotch because my image consultant tells me "regular people" drink.

OBAMA: Darn right they do. (Obama sips his Bud and shakes his head) Ugh, I can't believe they don't have Flatlander’s Lincolnshire Lager in this shit hole.

ROMNEY: Come again?

OBAMA: It's a local craft beer from Chicago. It's got a mild corn-fed flavor, and even though it's one note, it pairs well with just about anything, depending on your palate.

ROMNEY: Who the fuck are you?

OBAMA: Just... just a guy from Ken... I MEAN Chicago. And Hawaii... and other American places.

ROMNEY: No but, how is it that you know so much more about these fancy things than I? I have money and cars and dressage horses for chrissakes. You're just a...

OBAMA: A classy black guy? You can say it.

ROMNEY: How... how can I be more like you?

OBAMA: Mitt, have you ever heard of the term, "fake it 'till you make it?"

ROMNEY: It's what I do every day.

OBAMA: No... I mean like, an actual end goal. Like, let's pretend you have a clear vision of what you want.

ROMNEY: I don't understand. What do you want me to want?

OBAMA: No Mitt, ugh (rubs his hands on his temples). Remember maybe when you were in school, and there was a really hot chick you wanted to get with?

ROMNEY: Yeah, and I MARRIED her!

(The two high five)

OBAMA: Ok but how did you woo her?

ROMNEY: I told her everything she wanted to hear.

OBAMA: And...

ROMNEY: Oh, OH! I acted like I was really popular even though I wasn't. I paid a bunch of guys from the Football team to hoist me over their shoulders and cheer every time she walked by.

OBAMA: Now that's what I'm talking about. (They clink glasses)

ROMNEY: Barry?

OBAMA: Yes, Mitt?

ROMNEY: If I give you $5, will you put me on your shoulders at the next debate?

OBAMA: How about you donate $10 million to my online campaign, and I'll let you get on my shoulders now.

ROMNEY: Make it $20 million if I don't get a thank you email from someone on your staff with a shitty subject line.

OBAMA: I can't promise you that.

ROMNEY: Ok, 10 mil it is.

OBAMA: Deal.