Behind the Scenes
It is 2am at a sleepy, near-empty pub in the middle of nowhere, Iowa. There are two men slumped over their drinks at the bar.
OBAMA: That was a good one.
ROMNEY: The binders? Shit, I don't know why I said that. (Romney downs his whiskey in one shot and motions the bartender for a refill)
OBAMA: No, no man - don't be so hard on yourself. That was actually pretty good. Shoot, I wish I had thought of that.
ROMNEY: Your Lilly Ledbetter response was spot on. (Romney gazes into his drink) Spot on, man.
OBAMA: (puts his arm around Romney) Listen to me. Lis... listen to me. Mitt, Mitt... look at me. Mitt.
ROMNEY: (Mitt jerks his head up and focuses his eyes on Obama) Huh, what? I was just...
OBAMA: You were fading, that's what you were doing. Fucking fading. And winners don't fade. Mitt. Mitt! (Obama snaps his fingers)
ROMNEY: Goddamnit Barry, you're right. It's just that, this is really hard. My campaign advisers are always telling me what to do, I don't even know what I believe in anymore, I'm only drinking this damn scotch because my image consultant tells me "regular people" drink.
OBAMA: Darn right they do. (Obama sips his Bud and shakes his head) Ugh, I can't believe they don't have Flatlander’s Lincolnshire Lager in this shit hole.
ROMNEY: Come again?
OBAMA: It's a local craft beer from Chicago. It's got a mild corn-fed flavor, and even though it's one note, it pairs well with just about anything, depending on your palate.
ROMNEY: Who the fuck are you?
OBAMA: Just... just a guy from Ken... I MEAN Chicago. And Hawaii... and other American places.
ROMNEY: No but, how is it that you know so much more about these fancy things than I? I have money and cars and dressage horses for chrissakes. You're just a...
OBAMA: A classy black guy? You can say it.
ROMNEY: How... how can I be more like you?
OBAMA: Mitt, have you ever heard of the term, "fake it 'till you make it?"
ROMNEY: It's what I do every day.
OBAMA: No... I mean like, an actual end goal. Like, let's pretend you have a clear vision of what you want.
ROMNEY: I don't understand. What do you want me to want?
OBAMA: No Mitt, ugh (rubs his hands on his temples). Remember maybe when you were in school, and there was a really hot chick you wanted to get with?
ROMNEY: Yeah, and I MARRIED her!
(The two high five)
OBAMA: Ok but how did you woo her?
ROMNEY: I told her everything she wanted to hear.
ROMNEY: Oh, OH! I acted like I was really popular even though I wasn't. I paid a bunch of guys from the Football team to hoist me over their shoulders and cheer every time she walked by.
OBAMA: Now that's what I'm talking about. (They clink glasses)
OBAMA: Yes, Mitt?
ROMNEY: If I give you $5, will you put me on your shoulders at the next debate?
OBAMA: How about you donate $10 million to my online campaign, and I'll let you get on my shoulders now.
ROMNEY: Make it $20 million if I don't get a thank you email from someone on your staff with a shitty subject line.
OBAMA: I can't promise you that.
ROMNEY: Ok, 10 mil it is.