A day by day and often hourly account of a temp

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Udderly Ridiculous

I'm sorry- I have to share this:

Woman Wearing Cow Suit Charged With Disorderly Conduct

MIDDLETOWN -- A Middletown woman is accused of being disorderly in public -- while wearing a cow suit.

A police report filed about the incident said Michelle Allen allegedly chased children in her neighborhood while wearing the suit on Monday evening.

Allen also urinated on a neighbor's front porch, the report said, and was warned by officers to go home and stay there.

Allen was charged with disorderly conduct after an officer found her causing traffic problems on North Verity Parkway.

The officer's report stated that Allen was verbally abusive to him on the trip to jail and smelled of alcohol.

The report did not speculate as to why Allen was wearing the cow suit.

Bad Call

Oh no! My boss has another stalker except this one keeps calling her cell every minute asking her if we are in a depression. I'm pretty sure if you're calling someone over and over it's not just the market that's depressed if you know what I mean. I had to call and use the stern nanny voice on the guy.

Save It

What I did today:

Canceled my DSL internet
Canceled my Vonage landline account
Opened a $2.99/mo AT&T landline

I think I've saved $60. I'm gonna put all that in a money market fund and let it ride. No but seriously, I am looking at ways to "trim fat" around here, and I'm not just talking about my tummy. I've got to get thrifty, yo. I'll keep you posted.

Purify This

As you all know, I'm kind of a lefty. I think the republican party has strayed from being fiscally conservative while believing government should stay out of people's lives, to being a fiscally irresponsible christian right-wing tyrannical militia. I'm not a fan. And what annoys me are these "purity rings" that these Jonas Brothers wear. I don't care that people want to stay virgins 'till marriage but I am perturbed when it is taught as the only form of birth control. And what's worse is the government has donated our tax dollars heavily to this organization called the Silver Ring Thing. They have workshops, seminars and crazy rock concerts to teach the beauty of abstinence. And yet masturbation is looked down upon. I don't get it. Also their website is "geared toward the youth" by utilizing weird outdated graffiti graphics.

But the most disturbing thing is that a purity ring costs $28. What? There's a part on the website that's all, "Lose your ring? Don't flip out! Just send $28 to..." etc.

Now I'm not a journalist but I play one on my blog so I went ahead and did some research. I emailed "Judy" from the Silver Ring Thing and asked her that if I did not have enough money to replace my ring, would another cheaper store bought ring do? I will alert you as soon as she responds.


OK she got back to me. She's a nice lady- here's what she said:

"I’m sorry to hear you lost your ring. Unfortunately I can not send you a free one. Some Christian bookstores may carry a purity ring but it will not look like ours.

Maybe if you just be honest with your parents and tell them what happened they would be willing to get you another one – offer to do some extra chores around the house to pay for it or is your birthday coming up or maybe for Christmas?

Things happen sometimes but I think if you be honest and offer to help out extra they would be willing to help you out too.

Let me know what the outcome is.


K 9


Courict Me if I'm Wrong

Oh dear. Maybe McCain and Palin should just stop talking. But oh no, they had to go back on Katie Couric's show. The following is an actual transcript of what transpired after Couric questioned why, at a cheese steak stand, Palin contradicted McCain's stance on Pakistan.

The comments in blue italics are what the McCain/Palin handlers were thinking when they watched it.

COURIC: Is that something you shouldn't say out loud, Sen. McCain?

McCAIN: Of course not. But, look, I understand this day and age "gotcha" journalism. Is that a pizza place? Oh no. Could someone check on his medication? In a conversation with someone who you didn't hear ... the question very well, you don't know the context of the conversation. Just let it go, John. Grab a phrase. Any phrase. Gov. Palin and I agree that you don't announce that you're going to attack another country. Ok. Whew. Just don't go back to it. Whatever you do, don't get defensive. Don't get defensive. Don't attack the press.

COURIC: Are you sorry you said it ...

McCAIN: ...And the fact ... Oh no.

COURIC: Governor?

McCAIN: Wait a minute. Before you say, "is she sorry she said it," this was a "gotcha" sound bite that, look ...

COURIC: It wasn't a "gotcha." She was talking to a voter.

McCAIN: No, she was in a conversation with a group of people yeah at the "pizza place". Farthead. and talking back and forth. Cut the mic. Cut it.

Monday, September 29, 2008


Holy f@#king s#$t you guys, this is really bad.

The bailout wasn't approved and the Dow just dropped 600 points.

Uh... anyone want to go out drinking?

Let me explain something- this really does affect all of us. Personally, I'm all zen and calm and like, "You can't take it with you," and "you don't need to be rich to be happy," and "I am so glad the cocktail of anti-anxiety meds and anti-depressants is really working for me," but this is really bad for the country, the economy and overall value of living.

It's pretty Debbie Downer in my office today but just for shits and giggles I paid a visit to the big hedge fund upstairs just to get a feel for the energy. People are on the edge of their seats, huddled over TVs and computers. As I passed by they looked up at me, white as ghosts. Me, I quietly made my way to the kitchen to snag some Peppermint Patties. I love those things.

So my friends, I'll be honing up on my bartending skills just in case. In the meantime, relax and enjoy life. Seriously, there's nowhere to go but up.

Hair It Is

My boss got a gift bag for this thing she went to and she gave me one of the gifts- a coupon for a free haircut from this guy:

I want to go and ask him to give me his "specialty", just to see what happens.

Red Light Green Light

You need to watch this immediately.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Remember When

We just watched this in my office and we were laughing and then we stopped cuz it was really sad at the end.

The actor, Iron Eyes Cody, was really an Italian actor named Espera de Corti and he adopted the Native American name so he could get work in Westerns. So if you know he's Italian it's really not that sad.

Just Wondering

Hey, quick question- do you think Palin has given Katie Couric those examples of McCain leading the charge in Wall Street oversight that she promised?

When do you think she'll drop those off? Or maybe she'll call.

Mas Interesante

I don't really understand why or how, but my friend Jonah is featured in a Spanish paper about karaoke in the US! I went ahead and translated the article via Freetranslation.com. Enjoy.

During my stay in New York, last summer, the attention called me a phenomenon that succeeds among the fans to the music of the Big Apple: the karaoke. But not any type of karaoke. In the "City", like they refer her the new yorkers, they devastate the karaoke in which a band, with its guitar, its low one and its battery, touches in direct on a setting. Nothing of music pregrabada. The brave one that decides to rise to the boards chooses among an extensive list of themes, the band touches it, and he or she they enjoy the sensation to be all a star of the rock for some minutes.

One of the "live karaoke" more requested of new York is the one that takes place once monthly in Otto' s shrunken head, a small localities situated in full East Village. There, Bunnie England & The New Originals offer an extensive fan of versions that go from ACDC to the Beatles, passing for the Ramones, Green Day, Motorhead, Nirvana, The Cure, Creedence Clearwater Revival, Led Zeppelin and a great quantity of classics of the rock of all the life that can be consulted in their myspace.

As an example, you abandonment the video of my friend Jonah being burst the vocal cords with the classic of Motorhead "Ace of Spades". How large. Until it carried the letter prepared and all...

The case is that, after seeing the success of the one that enjoys an initiative as this to the other side of the puddle, one not to can stop asking if something thus would succeed in Spain. The certain thing is that the American one Rachel Arieff already brought, under the name of Anti-Karaoke, somewhat quite similar to Barcelona and Madrid, in a mixture of spectacle of drag queens and karaoke to the style of that of Otto' s. The idea harvested a considerable success, and continues being celebrated each month in the rooms Sidecar and Sun.

But beyond the initiative of Arieff, I believe that is complex that an idea of these characteristics succeed in our country to a greater scale, just as occurs in New York. Hardly anybody dominates the letters of the large classics of the rock, beyond the refrains. And the fact is that the level of English that have in this country leaves much to be desired, almost so much as the musical culture of good part of the population. There, the songs of the Ramones or the Creedence form part of the popular culture. Everyone knows them. In case to wanted to remove ahead an idea of similar spirit in Spain with espectativas that succeed, would not remain more remedy than carry out with songs of The Men G, Amaral, The Secrets, Meccan or The Song of the Lunatic... Or not?

My Advice

Ok guys, I'm going to get serious here. I know I've been going on and on about the elections and like everyone else I am straying from some real issues.

Like guys who wear make-up.

I'm not talking about super crazy over-done tranny make up, I'm talking about a little guyliner here and there. It's a very emo/goth inspired look but it now transcends even all musical and artistic genres. Everyone from Johnny Depp to Hayden Christensen, the entertainment industry has tapped into what women everywhere have known for years.

Men who wear guyliner are fucking hot.

Maybe it's the accentuation of their eyes or the fact that they look a little extra sensitive, maybe it's because we know they actually got up in the morning and took that extra time. Naturally I was very disheartened when I saw this article where a school bans a boy from wearing make-up. Seriously? What is this, the dark ages? People, if we can't deal with the fact that men are evolving well we may as well put a lion pelt on and unlearn how to make fire. At least then I wouldn't have to shave my legs.

Too Easy

You guys see Sarah Palin's interview with Katie Couric? Let's test your knowledge. If you don't know/don't like the answer, feel free to add your own.

Dog's World

Well the economy is in the tank, the candidates are frightening me and it is a horribly wet, rainy, windy morning here in New York. Oh but don't you worry. My dog, his Majesty Sir Foodstuffer McSoggymutt is relaxing comfortably on my clean dry bed after a rough morning walk. How could he have deigned to let a peasant like me drag him around the block so that he may release his bowels? For shame. Seriously, my dog goes back inside my apartment, shakes water all over, begrudgingly takes his after-walk cookie and saunters into my bedroom where he proceeds to curl up in a wet ball and sigh audibly. Oh, sorry you're going to have suuuuuuuuch a long day of sleeping and eating and watching The View or whatever it is that you do all day while I'm here slaving over a hot computer so that I may buy the barbequed pig ears that you chew on my couch. Dick.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

A Conversation

PalinLovesBabies241 (5:13:47 PM): Hey!
PalinLovesBabies241 (5:13:56 PM): This Hillary???
PalinLovesBabies241 (5:13:59 PM): It's me, Sarah Palin! U proly saw me at the conventions.
PalinLovesBabies241 (5:14:02 PM): Totes talked about u!!!
HillaryRodham1 (5:14:24 PM): Hi.
PalinLovesBabies241 (5:14:33 PM): How RU? I have been soooooooooooo bizy
PalinLovesBabies241 (5:14:35 PM): It's hard being a womyn and running and raising like a gazillion kids. Someone give me a break. Cuz I sure need one!
HillaryRodham1 (5:15:01 PM): uh huh
PalinLovesBabies241 (5:15:07 PM): hey u mad ar me?
PalinLovesBabies241 (5:15:16 PM): AT me. LOLZ!
HillaryRodham1 (5:15:18 PM): why u ask
PalinLovesBabies241 (5:15:23 PM): just cuz u kno I might be the first womyn prez blah blah
PalinLovesBabies241 (5:15:26 PM): glass ceiling shatterer
HillaryRodham1 (5:15:28 PM): no I wish u the best
PalinLovesBabies241 (5:15:30 PM): cool cuz we womyn gots to stick together!
HillaryRodham1 (5:15:32 PM): It's women. You are using the Y wrong. Just stop.
PalinLovesBabies241 (5:16:01 PM): hahha UR so funny!!! ROTFLMAO!
PalinLovesBabies241 (5:49:42 pM): heyyyyyyy womyan power!
HillaryRodham1 went idle at 5:50:17 PM.

Hack It

Recently, Sarah Palin's personal Yahoo! account was hacked into. Here is the list they found of all the possible passwords the hacker tried:


He's Loose

It's Fall, y'all and time to get ready for the chillier weather. I am officially back from vacation and with my AC out, the apartment freshly scrubbed and the alcohol slowly leaving my bloodstream I am preparing for a lovely October. But wait... there's those pesky elections.

There's a lot I'd like to catch up on but let's start with some news. No, it's not about Sarah Palin's affair or some choice words from Fox "news" Channel, rather, this whole business about McCain not debating. Dude, what? Seriously, he can't take an hour out of his evening to stand and answer some questions? And more importantly, what will he be doing in Washington anyway?

*ding dong*

Guy 1 in a Room Figuring Out End to Economic Crisis: What do we do?

Guy 2: Shhhhh! Just stand behind me! He can hear footsteps.

McCain (behind door): Hello? Anybody there?

Guy 1: Jesus, is there nothing we can do? We're busy here. Can't he read the sign? No pussy candidates allowed.

Guy 3: That was originally put there for Obama, sir.

Guy 1: We don't have time! We have a real crisis on our hands.

Guy 4: Uh, sir, uh what's ifa we uh... guuuuuh...

Guy 2: Who let Cletus in?

Guy 3: Sorry sir. He's my brother.

McCain: Hello? I can hear you guys. Hey guys! Can I come in?

Guy 2: Shoot! What'll we do?

Guy 1: Just... stay calm.

Guy 4 (to door): What's the password?

McCain: A ha!

Guy 1: Terrence, Cletus cannot be a part of these things! Remember when you left him alone in the room for just ONE SECOND and the next thing you know we accidentally bombed Estonia? Took weeks to cover up.

Guy 2: Estonia makes great vodka.

Guy 1: Made great vodka. Made.

McCain: Open up! I'm going to save the damsel in distress!

Guy 3: He's having one of his episodes again.

Guy 2: I'm scared.

Guy 1: Just... just stay still. It's almost his nap time.

Friday, September 19, 2008

San Fran

S'up bitches? Well here I am in California, surfing and smoking pot and shit. I'm so high I almost forgot to take my super sweet queludes before I rode my hippie bike to Fisherman's Wharf to get on a boat to Alcatraz. What what? HEEEEEEEEY! Nader '08!

Kidding- I am here in the city of San Francisco- translated from the original Dutch means feline testicles- and I am having a blast. It's beautiful weather- today is the park, tomorrow Napa, I'm living it up kids. Oh, plus there's a baby to play with! Love it. OK I gotta go now and not shave my armpits.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

It's Golden

I generally don't blog when I'm not at work but seeing as how I am on vacation I can do whatever the heck I want. Plus this is priceless:

Finance 101

The Financial Crisis, as explained by Tempy.

So Jimmy wants to bake a cake for his girlfriend's birthday. His bowling buddies make fun of him for expressing a desire to do such a girlish activity, but Jimmy pays them no mind. So he goes to the Baker to buy some flour.

The Baker says, "Hey, you buying flour for your mom?"

"No," says Jimmy, "It's for me. I am going to bake my girlfriend a cake."

"Ha ha," laughs the Baker, "That's funny. But seriously, do you want some bread?"

"Just give me the fucking flour," spits Jimmy, steamed.

"Ok, ok fine," says the Baker, "But first, how's this. I can loan you money for a home for a very low interest rate. Just pay me back over time. Plus, if you want to buy more than one house, you can then sell that for like, twice the profit. Think about all the 'dough' you'll be able to make! Ha ha! Ha!"

"What are you, a bank?"

"Yes, Jimmy. The sign above me says Banker, not Baker. But I liked that flour thing- real cute. Wouldn't you rather buy your girlfriend a house than bake a cake?"

Jimmy thinks about it, and the fact that he should get new glasses because he did indeed go to the Banker and not the Baker. Jimmy agrees. Once he leaves, he had the deeds to five homes, and a payment plan with a low interest rate.

The Banker has a secret, tho. He is offering this plan to all of Jimmy's neighbors because he is a loan whore. That and the more loans equals more interest. But who cares? The housing market is the one thing that keeps rising steadily, so no harm, right?

Turns out Jimmy's girlfriend also bought several houses so her birthday was kind of a dud for she had many homes but no cake. It didn't matter, they thought, because the ICING on the deal is they collectively have 8 homes.

Well wouldn't you know it but the interest rates go up and Jimmy and his can't afford to pay them. So they try to sell some homes but all of their friends also have like, a gazillion properties and no one wants to buy. So Jimmy and his girlfriend default on their loans. She leaves him for a bass player who never had a home because he lives with his mother. But that's okay because Jimmy's girlfriend was kind of a tramp anyway. The banks too have to close because they basically lent millions of dollars that never existed on the hope that they would get it back but there was no collateral and in reality the money wasn't there. It's like betting $15,000 on one number on a roulette table when you don't even have a nickel to begin with. But enough about my gambling problem- back to Jimmy.

Jimmy ends up with nothing too and now works at a supermarket to get by. The irony is that the supermarket may close because people cannot afford to eat. All this because he wanted to buy some flour for his girlfriend's faggy birthday cake.

Any questions?

Break Down

Hey guys! If you're like me and I know I am, you are overwhelmed with all of these political terms the candidates are throwing around. I'm gonna break it down for you so you can be an informed voter:

Earmarks: Congressional provisions that direct approved funds to be spent on specific projects, or that direct specific exemptions from taxes or mandated fees.

Pork Barrel: Appropriation of government spending for projects that are intended primarily to benefit particular constituents or campaign contributors.

Bridge To Nowhere: Bridges that are either incomplete or built in sparsely populated locations, and therefore rarely used.

Dog Ear: Refers to when a candidate changes their mind about something because they claim to previously not have heard it correctly.

Pork and Beans Politics: Spending that is beneficial to not only the constituents and lobbyists but to those who enjoy camping.

Special Interest Group: An organized collection of people who seek to influence political decisions. Often use secret handshakes, code words and dress codes.

Thanks But No Thanks: Yes.

Pork, The Other White Meat: Presidential nominee John McCain.

Run (a)way

Hey guys I fly out to San Francisco for vacation tomorrow! So excited! Let's hope the runway doesn't look like this:

Ha ha, I hate flying!

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Snow White?

OK I HAD to steal this from Raymi. It's a 40's educational video on menstruation, brought to you by Disney.

Sly Fox

For full disclosure, I did not make the following quote up. Here is what actress Megan Fox said about her past relationships with women, including a Russian stripper named Nikita who used to do "these beautiful slow dances to Aerosmith ballads.":

"Look, I'm not a lesbian," said Fox. "I just think that all humans are born with the ability to be attracted to both sexes. I mean, I could see myself in a relationship with a girl -- Olivia Wilde is so sexy she makes me want to strangle a mountain ox with my bare hands. She's mesmerizing. And lately I've been obsessed with Jenna Jameson, but ... oh boy."

Fox is engaged to 90210's Brian Austin Green. In an unrelated future story, Fox will soon find out Green is not actually a woman.

Lehman Brothers

OK, you need to watch this right now.

Regular Joe

Well, hello. Thank you for coming into my office. Well, it's actually my living room, but this is where I do all of my work- I guess you could say I LIVE to work? Ha ha! Ha.

Have a seat. Come closer. There you go. So I'm sure you already know this but I am Vice Presidential nominee Joe Biden. There's a lot people don't know about me. It seems that my rival has gotten a little bit of the spotlight because she has nice gams. But I kid. I think it's time you learned a little bit about the real Joe Biden.

Scotch? Don't mind if I do. Oh, kidding, but seriously. Scotch? There you go. It's aged 18 years, I think you'll like it. Careful, that's a plastic tumbler my wife got from Target. Don't want to break the family heirlooms. I pride myself on being a regular guy.

Cigarillo? I love these things. The wife hates 'em but what can you do? Oh, don't mind my cat and confidante, Friskers. He likes to sit there. Hard to get him to move sometimes. Har har! How's that scotch?

So let's get back to me. I have a lot of interesting things about me.

For example did you know on May 11, 1999, I cast my 10,000th Senate vote on the floor of the Senate? Sure did. I also commute every day from my home in Wilmington, Delaware, to Washington D.C. on a train when the Senate is in session. Joe Biden takes public transport.

I used to stutter as a child. I don't anymore.

My wife and I have three children: Beau, Hunter and Ashley.

My first marriage ended with the death of my first wife, Neilia Hunter, who was killed along with our daughter, Naomi, in an automobile accident.

I attended Archmere Academy in Claymont, Delaware, which is a Catholic Prep School, in 1957. It's true! Catholic boy all the way.

So you see, there's many sides of me, Joe Biden. I hope we get your vote this November. Because if you don't, I will have Friskers kill you. I am kidding! More scotch?

Monday, September 15, 2008

The Arts

Hey guys, here's an artists rendering of my weekend.

Trade Mark

A lot has been discussed about the Bush Doctrine, namely that the woman running for one of the most important jobs in the world doesn't know what that is. Here's a general overview of said doctrine:

"It is an enduring American principle that this duty obligates the government to anticipate and counter threats, using all elements of national power, before the threats can do grave damage. The greater the threat, the greater is the risk of inaction – and the more compelling the case for taking anticipatory action to defend ourselves, even if uncertainty remains as to the time and place of the enemy’s attack. There are few greater threats than a terrorist attack with WMD. To forestall or prevent such hostile acts by our adversaries, the United States will, if necessary, act preemptively in exercising our inherent right of self-defense."

Let me translate that for you- we can attack any country we want if we have even the slightest idea that they might want to attack us.

Man, I wish I had a doctrine like that. Oh, wait- I can do that. I mean, I am the President of TempyWorld™1 and I can pretty much do whatever I want so here's my doctrine:

"It is an enduring principal of office workers that this duty obligates Tempy to anticipate and counter any exercise heretoforth all power against any ne'er-do-wellery of people who pertain to the douchebaggerish and a-fortiori to jurisdiction ex-facie with foreseeable risk that is a writ of mandamus."

Translation: I hate Sarah Palin and I'm hungry but we are out of cheese sticks.

1 Tempy World is a trademark of Hasbro © 2007 Hasbro, Inc. All rights reserved. This agreement shall be governed by and construed in accordance with laws of the State of New York, United States of America, without giving effect to any principles of conflicts of law. If any provision of this agreement is held to be unlawful, void, or for any reason unenforceable, then that provision shall be deemed severable from this agreement and shall not affect the validity and enforceability of any remaining provisions. This is the entire agreement between the parties relating to the subject matter herein. Not that I understand what this means anyway. It's not like TempyWorld is an actual boardgame. But it should be. You agree to defend, indemnify and hold Hasbro harmless from and against any and all claims, damages, costs and expenses, including attorney's fees, arising from or related to your use of this web site. You agree that Hasbro may, in its sole discretion, take control of any litigation filed against Hasbro.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Kinda Sick

Hey guys! So I got back from the doctor where I was diagnosed with what is known as "walking pneumonia". I don't really know what that means but I know I can still walk around.

Classy Chassy

For reasons even unknown to me I was just doing a google image search on tidal waves when I came across this company - it's called A Little Class Limo Service. I don't know if they mean "A Little Class" as in they are classy or that it's what they have little of. You be the judge.

Inside of the Tidal Wave limo:

The Riptide:

The Tsunami:

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Palin Comparison

"Hey, Mr. McCain, I have a question about your running mate!"


See response.

Funny Bunny

"What the fuck are YOU looking at?"

Remembering Today

How major political figures are remembering 9/11:

Rudy Giuliani

Wakes up at the crack of dawn. Runs downstairs to see all of the presents under the 9/11 tree. Gazes lovingly on the Jesus figure angel molded in his image at the top of the tree and says a little prayer. Accepts a few phone calls then sits down for a feast his wife has made in honor of his special day. Traditional fare: Chicken ala King. Get in his car and embraces another tradition- mowing down community organizers. Goes home, plays with his toys, goes to bed.

Barack Obama

Wakes up, gets dressed, goes to memorial service. Reminds self over and over again that today might not be a good day to talk about any sort of barnyard animal in lipstick no matter how old or folksy the saying.

George Bush

Celebrates in the same way he did the day before 9/11- not listening to vital information about national security and wrestling with his dog Barney.

Sarah Palin

Shoots a moose, eats a baby seal alive and sets a polar bear on fire. What was the question? Oh, 9/11. Whatever that was her advisers say it was very sad.

I Take Dictation

You guys, I am soooooooooooooooo dressed like a naughty secretary today. The thing I like about this job is that you can seriously wear jeans and a t-shirt to work so that makes me sometimes want to dress up. I went hog wild today, kids. Pencil skirt, tight white top with some major cleave, and a high waisted leather belt. Oh, and some strappy heels. Shut it! To finish it all off I tied my hair up in a hot twist up-do with nothing but a big silver clip keeping it up. Someone give me Sarah Palin glasses and then we'll be talking.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Hot Guy

I've created a monster. One of the stars of my show has just been inducted into the Hot Guy Alert hall of fame. This is a "committee" of dudes who decide who the "hot guys" of the NY stage are. I actually know a few on this list. But wait- there are actually rules before you are bestowed the honor of "hot guy":

1. The Hot Guy Alert Committee must witness a candidate live on stage before he is eligible to be inaugurated into the shrine.

2. Said "Hot Guy Alert" must have a healthy dose of Elvis in his swagger.

3. Said "Hot Guy Alert" must have a decent internet presence from which the committee can pilfer pics.

There you have it. Where's my goddamn lesbian following? Is there not a site dedicated to the sexy stage actresses of NY? And more importantly, what do you think really goes on at those Hot Guy Alert Committee Meetings?

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

I Spy


I just got this in my in my inbox for my website email.

"Did you know the real [my name], she was a soviet sex spy that defected to the UK in the sixties, you look so much like her, I am doing research for a screenplay and information about her is sketchy at best. You came up like a ghost on my search engine, very strange, in a good way, for now all the luck and best on your career!


What in the heck do I say to that? And more importantly... how did they find me out?

The Truth

A lot of nastiness has been brought out about the whole "Community Organizer" make-fun at the RNC. To quote Sarah Palin, "I guess a mayor is kind of like a community organizer- but with responsibilities." OW! Yeeeouch Sarah, you got it! In your face Barack! Hahahhaha! But upon further research, I found out what a community organizer does. And might I say, she is totes right!

A Typical Day in the Life of a Community Organizer:

9:45 Wake up, hit snooze. Go back to sleep.

9:54 Wake up, turn alarm clock off. Go back to sleep.

10:30 Wake up. Eat cold pizza and watch Family Feud reruns on Game Show Network.

10:34 Avoid creditors phone call.

11:00 Flip between The View and The Price is Right while clipping toe nails.

11:55 Get dressed.

12:00 Leave for work.

12:15 Get to a local homeless shelter. Pick at lunch leftovers. Ask everyone how they are feeling.

12:30 Go to the local church and pray for the lost souls.

12:40 Nap time!

1:45 Go to the office and check messages.

2:00 Go to the lunch truck and buy a falafel.

2:15 Sit at desk, make a rubber band ball.

2:30 Create tiny village out of paper clips, take huge rubber band ball and roll it through village, destroying it yelling, "Not so organized are you now?!?"

2:43 Call wife. Ask her how work is. Humor her.

3:10 Pick up the kids from school.

4:30 Play with kids, watch TV.

6:15 Wife comes home, cooks dinner. You eat, talk about your day.

8:00 Settle in for some football.

10:30 Get ready for bed; Practice presidential faces in the mirror.

So you can obviously see that he in no way does nearly what a Mayor of a town of 9,000 people does. Jeez guys.

Monday, September 08, 2008

What's New?

Facebook Post Updates you won't see:

Mark is going up the Scramble ladder while his social skills still waver on postal. 3:59pm

Janet just untagged herself in an album because her face was too shiny. 3:06pm

used "friend finder" to track down an old boyfriend and is currently fervently scanning through photo after photo for evidence of that bitch. 2:22pm

Candy is Super Pokin' your boyfriend. 2:15pm

thinks that just because he has Facebook friends that he has friends. 2:12pm

Pretty Tempy

So I go onto MySpace and this creepy guy in a Superman/Clark Kent outfit sends me this message:

Thought I’d say ‘hello’. I like your pic… anyways, I was on that Bravo TV show "The Millionaire Matchmaker" and since then I’ve built a matchmaking service which is invitation only to keep the quality of members really high. I wanted to invite you to join since you are exactly the type of woman our service caters too.

If you don’t mind checking it out… it’s ..www.EliteMeeting.com..... Trust me, you’ll be impressed.

Thanks, Tai

So... let me get this straight Tai- you want me to be a hooker? When you say I am exactly the kind of woman your service caters to do you mean millionaire or millionaire bait? Because seriously have you seen Pretty Woman? It'd be a lot like that. "Listen, I ain't no classy bitch. Pass the take-out food." The guy'd be all, "I want to know the real you, " and I'd be like, "Man, I am BUSY! I don't have TIME for you to know the real ME! Damn! Now shut up, The Family Guy is on." He'd like, want to wine me and dine me and I'd just roll my eyes, "Puhlease, old man. Seriously?" It'd be exactly like that.

I have an appointment on Tuesday.

Robo Kitty 2: Electric Boogaloo

You guys you guys! I saw Robo Kitty again but this time I was prepared! Not since those hucksters who caught Bigfoot has there been a discovery so important. First- let me set the scene. We had gone out after the show. I was drunk. It was raining. The friends I was with were walking withe me to a cab when I saw it- the blinking light:

We got closer. I started screaming, "It's Robo Kitty! It's ROBO KITTY!" The friends I was with had no idea what I was talking about but didn't even question the statement for there was no denying that it indeed was... a Robo Kitty. Half cat, half cop.

I mean, it's kind of sad that the owner puts these huge flashing lights on the cat to keep it from getting hit by a car, but at least someone cares. It was strange to me that it was just hanging out in the rain. It surely couldn't be homeless because someone changes the batteries. Anyway, here he is. Robo Kitty:

Friday, September 05, 2008

Fluffy McStuffincheeks

Ar ta tar ta tar! I be the wee leetle Oirish hamster at yer service, me lass. Here's a bit o'the old clofer field for you to be chasin' affter the wee four leaf clofers whilst I eat a bit of the grass from underneath the blarney stone. I've got to go and drink me a bit of the old Guinness which is good for ya! Aye, me stars!

Dog Gone

Poll time! Please put "other" in the comments section.

McCain's World

And now, a transcript of McCain's speech last night:

Thank you. Thank you all very much. Thank you.

Tonight, I have a privilege given few Americans: the privilege of accepting our party's nomination for president of the United States.

Thank you. Thanks. And I accept it with...

Thank you. I -- and I accept it with gratitude, humility, and confidence.

Let's get down to the nitty gritty. I'm a maverick. And not like Tom Cruise in that movie about volleyball, I'm talking a true blue American maverick. You think you know what I'll do? Guess what- you're wrong. Dead wrong. BANG!

You just thought I had a gun there, didn't you?! Everyone... get up. No really there's no need- no, that was just me saying 'B-A-N-G'. Secret Service man, please, I'm OK just... just tell everyone in your sleeve that I'm fine. OK, are we all settled? Are we settled?

So when I said 'bang' and mind you all, these fingers are doing the air quotes, you all thought I had a gun. And guess what- I could. I could get my hands on a goddamn gun any time I damn well please. And that keeps people on their toes. You think I'm choosing Romney as a running mate? Ka-POW I gave you a Palin. You think I'm all up in GW Bush's ass? Boo-YA! I'm not voting with him on everything! I'm CRAZY like that? Unexpected! Hey guess what...

(Does a cartwheel)

This old body takes a licking and keeps on ticking! I say I'll cut your taxes, I may damn well raise them! Look! I'm going off the teleprompter right now and WINGING IT BABY! That's what we like to call a little bit of the old improv. And check this out- (runs off the stage; kisses Laura Bush full on the lips), no one saw THAT one coming did they? Ha ha! In your face Bush! What are you gonna do about it? I'm unpredictable! I'M UNPREDICTABLE! For the first time in my life I'm as free as a bird and..."

[Transmission cut off due to satellite error]

Turtle Trails

So yesterday I was feeling a little under the weather mainly because everyone in my cast is sick and that always makes the Captain Hypochondria in me come out. (Is that a stomach cramp? Do I have a fever? Why is there a rash on my genitals?)

Now there really is no need to panic but just to be safe, and because I have another show tonight, I spent a quiet night in. I went for the old school comforts of my childhood- pizza, soda and ice cream. Just to make things really feel like home I pretended like I had a dad and then he disappeared and that my mom would be coming home late from night classes while my sister tortured me in my room.

Kidding!!! It wasn't exactly like home because the pizza was frozen, the soda was diet and the ice cream dairy free. My dad still is gone, my mom now has a PHD and my sister now tortures people on the witness stand but anyway, where was I?

Oh yes, the ice cream. So I got this brand called "Purely Decadent" and I wanted something that had vanilla but also chocolate and maybe some caramel and nuts, and I found just the right one but the flavor was called, "Turtle Trails". Why on earth would I want to eat something with that name? It's almost as bad as "Snail Trail" or "Flavor Savor" or something...ew. But I couldn't help it. It sounded too good so I bought it.

After a few hours of the Daily Show and pizza, I finally got the courage to try this stuff out. I kid you not, it looked like turtle dookie. Seriously, check it out:

But it tasted pretty awesome. So I guess what I'm saying is I highly recommend this stuff. If you can get away from the weird name and its unfortunate resemblance to reptile pellets, it's quite delicious.

Thursday, September 04, 2008

Oh Snap

I don't know why I think this is so funny. Seriously I've watched this like five times. Basically Solange Knowles, yes, Beyonce's sister, is trying to have a singing career too. Why not? So this woman is interviewing her but before the interview went live, I guess one of the producers mentioned something about her brother in law Jay-Z's club. Nothing offensive, just small talk. Well Solange doesn't understand the concept of on air vs. off air and this is what happened.

He's Waiting

Kinda makes you wish you had an extra brisket in the oven.

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

The Issues

OK, we've ALL seen the photo of Sarah Palin, the one where she's showing off her long muscular legs and tight little waist in that slutty "I'm a bad secretary" shirt/skirt combo and the hooker heels. No, this is not photoshopped. But let's get to the issues, people. To help you all get back on the political track, I have found an advance copy of the speech Sarah Palin plans to give tonight at the RNC.

"Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for that rousing ovation. My fellow Americans, thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.

I stand here before you not just a mother of five, a soon to be grandmother and a dutiful wife and lover. I stand before you in my Chiffon Ruffle Hem Halter Dress from Forever 21 and my clear heels to show you all that you can stomp the glass ceiling and look great doing it!

I'd like to thank Hillary Clinton for blazing the path of women like me, women who were just suburban housewives, who just had a normal ho-hum existence, who one day woke up and said by gum, I'm gonna try me some politics! And that's just what Hillary Clinton did, as what I have done.

Hillary, like myself, was, up until a few years ago just baking cookies and maneuvering the family mini-van. And like her, I, too, decided to say hold the phone- I'm gonna make a difference. Not that being the mother isn't the best job in the world. And I've done that five times! Ha ha!

Thank you. Thank you. Please, sit down. Now, I'd like to address a very personal and private matter, and that is of my daughter, Bristol. Stand up, sweetie. There she is. As you all know, a few months ago, my beautiful daughter opened up her precious flower to a very special little bee. And now together they have made a blessed miracle. I'd like to applaud my little girl for making such a brave and bold choice. I love you, plumtree.

And now, back to the issues! This campaign stands for what I stand for. And that is

[to be added in by aides later]

So ladies and gentlemen we can make this country strong again! We can make our men proud! All the country needs is a WOMAN'S TOUCH!!!"

Robo Kitty

So I get to the show last night and I see some of my cast mates chilling on a stoop outside of the theater and just as I've walked right about up to them I see this cat- it's a regular looking tabby but it's wearing this collar with two HUGE red flashing lights. I mean, seriously, this is why I need a camera with me at all times.

One castmate dubbed him, "Robo-Kitty". We assumed it was put on him by the owner so the cat could roam the streets of the West Village without getting hit by a car. Personally I'd be more worried about him getting hit ON by a trannie in that neighborhood but anyway. Here's an artist's rendering. Next time I'm at the theater I'll bring a camera. This picture is NOT an exaggeration, trust me, I have witnesses.

(Re-Creation: Not Actual Image)

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

A Name

These are the names of GOP VP nominee Sarah Palin's kids:


Apparently, they all have meaning, like Track is named after her favorite sport and Bristol is the name of a nearby bay. What do you think her daughter should name her new baby? Here's a few ideas:

Rustico (or Rustica!)

Feel free to add your own!

Sports Talk

Hey guys! First day of school and boy am I pumped! Mostly because I don't have to go to school. Also because I have a show tonight. But mostly it's because GOP VP Nominee Sarah Palin's daughter is knocked up. Awesome! I mean, these hypocritical conservative politicians can do whatever they want and their constituents don't give a rats ass anyway. I'm a big fan of leave the family alone when someone is running for office but what pisses me off is she's this big fan of teaching abstinence instead of sex-ed.


I mean, seriously? It's bad enough Dick Cheney's daughter is a rugmuncher and he's all, "Leave my daughter alone," and it's like, no, you leave your daughter alone and give her the same human rights as everyone else.

Well I feel better. Aaaah. What shall I do now? Oh, I know... maybe I'll watch some old sports anchor footage. Here's some nice story about the iditarod from a young woman named Sarah Heath. Wait a... wasn't that Sarah Palin's maiden name? No! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Blog Directory - Blogged