A day by day and often hourly account of a temp

Friday, May 29, 2009


Oh my gosh, remember this pic?

Turns out he's an anchor on a show on the same network as my boss. Today she was talking about him so I googled him and that photo popped up! When I showed it to her she said, "Oh, I've seen that. I think I was even there when that was taken."

Sexy Time

John McCain's daughter Meghan was on the Colbert Report recently, and had some choice words about Bristol Palin's abstinence tour. Good for her! Meghan McCain actually used the words "pro sex" because "she can't practice what she doesn't preach". I'm glad a woman can speak up and say, yeah, I like sex and I think it can be a great and healthy thing when you are responsible about it.

Also, where is Levi on this abstinence tour? I know all of the responsibility always seems to fall on the woman but for once I'd like to see a guy step up and say, "Yeah, seriously dudes- ya gotta use protection." Gawd.

But seriously folks. Is it 5 yet?

A Letter

An Open Letter To The 13 Year Old Kid On The Train, Self Proclaimed As 'T-Money', According To The Graffiti On His Backpack.

Hey Kid,

What's up? It's cool that I can tell you're going to get off at the major transfer point two stations away which means I can have your seat but I'll make this quick.

I see your backpack has, in large marker letters, the words 'T-Money' written on it. I'm guessing that's your name or, as the kids say, "tag". Cool! Did you come up with that yourself? It might be a stretch to guess that the T stands for the beginning of your first name like Travis or Trevor but I digress. I'm also going to get a little crazy here and assume the 'Money' part is a symbol of strength and status, thereby making your nickname an amalgam of a previous identity and a current one. I have to say, it has a ring to it.

But here's what I'm getting at. You're 13. If you don't mind me saying, you don't look very intimidating. You're going to school, for chrissakes, that is so lame. Your mom and dad probably love you and you look well fed. Let's just say that someone self described as 'T-Money' is probably the kind of guy who's had a rough life. He worked his way up from nothing and has a 24 year old girlfriend who thinks he's 30. Maybe he is 30. Actually, yes, he's at least 30. Because in order to earn this Money he has so yearned for that garners another consonant before it's hyphenation, he most likely has had a job or several. Maybe he didn't get all of that money legally, who knows. But he's mad cool to hang out with, generous when he can but tough to those who spite him.

OK, let's just say for a second that all of this stuff is true about you, and you happen to be a 13 year old T-Money. Being T-Money and still having to go to school is like being a superhero. That identity needs to be secret, kid! You can't flount what you really are at school. You gotta keep it cool and act like T-Money is a legend but no one knows who he is because he's so important. Do you think your 13 year old friends can really admire the awesomeness that is T-Money? You have got tho keep that under wraps until you are back home in your crib or your sweet ride; that name can't be wasted on the inferior posers in your school.

Well, this is your stop. I'm glad we had this talk, and thanks for the seat. Either way, I really hope you figure out who the real T-Money is. But remember, what's most important is what's inside. Now go get 'em in algebra today!

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Ad 2

"Hi, I'm a fukinmg idiot who hats same sex marraige. Look at my neew ad and see the kewl way I spellled marriaje at the end.


National Organizashin for Marridge"

This, sadly, is real.

Morning Show


This guy was in my play, and a talent agent got his this gig. He plays the "Sloppy boyfriend" getting a makeover. For me, he'd be a sloppy boyfriend because he doesn't date women.

Traditional Days

Man, with the way gay people who want to get married have these extremely long term relationships, I'm starting to think gay people are the only ones who should get married. Last night I watched as George Takai and his husband talked about being together for like, 30 years and they still like each other. Crazy! Then again I sometimes long for these days:

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Career Talk

I think my favorite part of speaking at my friend's elementary school's Career Day was meeting this writer who was there. She told the kids a whole lot of stuff about what she does but later confided in me that she writes mostly about sex, which was cool because when I told the kids I had done some voice over work I neglected to tell them a lot of it was for Japanese animated porn.

Danger Danger

So, apparently someone tossed this cat a Red Bull because after it was born, it sprouted wings. No seriously. Scientists think it must be a genetic mutation. NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! On an unrelated note, the kitten spent some time in Chernobyl, Three Mile Island, Indian Point and most recently, South Korea.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Career Day!

Tomorrow I get to go to my friend's elementary school for CAREER Day. I'm going to talk to them about being an ACTRESS which means I will teach them how to bartend. Because really, what better skill is there? One of the questions a kid asked me in a letter was "What time do you have to wake up?" Well, if waking up after an all night shift at 11am sounds early to you then, yes, early. Now let's see you work that shaker! Kidding, I will also teach them about being an executive assistant and how to make rich people happy.

But seriously folks, it should be fun. I don't think I'll tell them about the audition I turned down today because I found out that the theater company was run under the mission statement of "Promoting Christian faith through theater" because even I have my limits. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got some rich kids dry bean art to frame.

Only A Test

Pres_Obama215 (9:38:10 AM): Kim Jong Il is that u?

LilKimInDaHizzie (9:38:16 AM): Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!

Pres_Obama215 (9:38:16 AM): Ok seriously?

Pres_Obama215 (9:38:22 AM): Dude, off it with the nuclear tests

Pres_Obama215 (9:38:26 AM): for really

LilKimInDaHizzie (9:38:28 AM): HhahahLOLOLZZZ!!! I told you I wouldn't do NUKEular tests

Pres_Obama215 (9:38:32 AM): Ok…

LilKimInDaHizzie (9:38:34 AM): Like ur last Prez says

Pres_Obama215 (9:38:37 AM): Mr. Il

LilKimInDaHizzie (9:38:40 AM): Riiiiiiiiiiiight????!!!?

LilKimInDaHizzie (9:38:44 AM): ahhahhaha

Pres_Obama215 (9:38:49 AM): you really can't be doing this.

LilKimInDaHizzie (9:38:50 AM): Doing what?

Pres_Obama215 (9:39:07 AM): nuclear tests

Pres_Obama215 (9:39:15 AM): of any kind

LilKimInDaHizzie (9:39:20 AM): I can't hear you! I have a banana in my ear

Pres_Obama215 (9:39:24 AM): Enough with the jokes

LilKimInDaHizzie (9:39:24 AM): what jokes? I don't know what UR talikng about

Pres_Obama215 (9:39:35 AM): those nuclear tests

LilKimInDaHizzie (9:39:37 AM): lalallalala I can't HEAR you

Pres_Obama215 (9:39:38 AM): the one you

LilKimInDaHizzie (9:39:42 AM): see my fingers are in my ears

Pres_Obama215 (9:39:48 AM): aw jeez

Friday, May 22, 2009

Haywood Jablome

Well someone had a bit of a fun time with some clueless local anchors. Watch as they wish a very happy 69th birthday to Eaton Beaver.

Domo Arigato Mr. Roboto

BigDickCHNY (9:38:10 AM): Hey Cybie

Cyborg21K (9:38:16 AM): Hello Sir.

BigDickCHNY (9:38:16 AM): I sometimes feel like you're my only freibnd

BigDickCHNY (9:38:22 AM): ukno?

BigDickCHNY (9:38:26 AM): Whatevs, robots are better than friends

Cyborg21K (9:38:28 AM): Yes Sir.

BigDickCHNY (9:38:32 AM): gawd Nancy Pelosi is such a bitch

Cyborg21K (9:38:34 AM): Yes she is Sir.

BigDickCHNY (9:38:37 AM): Please call me Dick.

Cyborg21K (9:38:40 AM): Dick.

Cyborg21K (9:38:44 AM): Sir.

BigDickCHNY (9:38:49 AM): Did u see my speech yesterday about how Obama is making us super less safe?

Cyborg21K (9:38:50 AM): No Sir.

BigDickCHNY (9:39:07 AM): Oh, I wanted your opinion

BigDickCHNY (9:39:15 AM): U told me you'd watch- was there something better on TV?

Cyborg21K (9:39:20 AM): Battlestar Galactica Sir.

BigDickCHNY (9:39:24 AM): Oh right! I totes forgot. Did Commander Adama and president Roslin finally get it on?

Cyborg21K (9:39:24 AM): No Sir.

BigDickCHNY (9:39:35 AM): Damn I saw some serious chemistrty

BigDickCHNY (9:39:38 AM): I need a beer

Heidi, As Cat

If you're tired of watching that paint dry, you might be into this: Cat Yodeling. It's actually pretty entertaining- much more so than when Jewel does it. Behold, the genius that is manipulating small animals.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Captain Fancy

What has 2 thumbs and will be on the beach this weekend with a guy who owns the cutest Speedo? This gal. Patientboy is shy when it comes to getting his picture taken, but I think he looks really good in this photo.

Website Alert

OK now this is my new favorite website. It's all about sidewalk etiquette and it is hilarious. Why can't I think of websites like this? Too bad www.IguanasWithStaplers.com didn't work out. But who doesn't want to see a cuddly iguana with a STAPLER?

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Tweet This

Ono ono ono ono ono ono Ted Haggard, the guy who cured himself from The Gay, is twittering. About American Idol. But, like a true Reformed Gay Evangelical Ex-Meth Addict, he is rooting for Kris Allen. Because Ted haggard isn't gay anymore, darn it!

Claws Out Ladies

This little kitty don't mess around. I'd like to know what happens when you actually piss this cat off.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

The Parent Trap 2

This news story freaks me out. Okay- this woman had twins with different fathers. Read that again. That's not what freaks me out- that is possible. Also, there's a one in a million chance of that happening. Which actually seems like a lot. What REALLY freaks me out is this quote from her:

"Out of all the people in America and all the people in the world, this had to happen to me."

Well gee, sweetheart, it's true that it's kind of weird, but you had some other dude put his P in your V a day after your BF did. I think that's taking a chance.

The dad of her boyfriend has agreed to raise both children as his own, but secretly hates the other one.

Rain Boy

This morning my boss came in with two of those portraits that kids make with beans as decor. It had a picture of each of her youngest twins with beans they glued on around them and she asked me to frame them. Then this happened:

BOSSLADY: Yeah, the one of [the girl] is pretty good.

ME: It's great!

BOSSLADY: Yeah but [the boy] looks autistic in his.

ME: No! He looks cute! (He does look a little autistic)

BOSSLADY: No, he looks like he's trapped in his own world of which he cannot escape.

ME: Oh, now...

BOSSLADY: He's not.

ME: I know. I actually think he's going to be the most successful of your kids.

BOSSLADY: Yeah, they told my mom my brother was retarded, now he owns an empire.

Monday, May 18, 2009

File Under Creepy

My boss asked for me to put a letter in the "Stalker File" but the thing is we actually have one. That's what I expected from the hand written envelope with a Seabiscuit stamp.

The Theatre

Last night I saw a production of Hamlet that my very talented friend is in. This is what I learned:

1. Hamlet makes the ladies cry
2. Don't piss Hamlet off
3. Hamlet's kind of nuts... or is he?

As for my first point, I have never seen a man with such a powerful effect on the female species since George Clooney took his shirt off that one time. These girls were really really sad! It all started when Hamlet had this nutty idea that he saw the ghost of his dad, and his dad said his brother, Hamlet's uncle, killed him so he could marry Hamlet's mom. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEW. Turns out, the ghost was right. But, (and mind you this household had worse family dynamics than any episode of The Surreal Life), once that piece of information came out, everyone went nuts, including Hamlet who was the nuttiest one of all. So his girlfriend/non girlfriend Ophelia is all, "I love you but you're crazy," and he told her to go to the nunnery and he made her cry! Then he killed her father by accident and his mom started to cry and Ophelia went bonkers! And then everyone started to die!

Sorry if I gave away the ending. It was a really good production but I have one thing to say to Hamlet if I ever saw him on the street, "To be. That is the answer. Unless you're seriously nuts in which case I say, ok, not to be."

Friday, May 15, 2009

Jazz Hands!

If you haven't seen Wicked, you're missing out.

If you haven't seen Adam Lambert in Wicked, well...

Tissues, Please

Wow. I've been hearing some amazing things about this movie, Precious. It's been winning all of these awards and will be released at the end of this year. It starts some annoying people- Mariah Carey, Mo'Nique, and they are actually REALLY GOOD which proves what I've been saying for years- Glitter was just poorly written. No, but seriously, check out the trailer here.

A Plan

I'm going to kill you all. Slowly. I'm going to start with that woman who coddles me like a goddamn baby doll. She's the first to go. I'm already planning it, it's just taking a while. First she'll start to feel a little ill. A cough here and there. What she won't know is that I've been cultivating my own plant-based highly potent arsenic and boiling it down into powder form at night while they sleep. I'll put it on her ice cream. She'll have no idea. "Oh, look- a light dusting of more food for me." Eat up.

When her vision starts to fail, that's when I'll move in. She'll be struggling to do simple tasks while I just watch. Soon, she will get weaker and weaker. That is when I will unleash the radioactive gas I've been developing in the basement made from molecules I acquired from our trip to Missouri. Little did they know her nephew has a meth lab in his room and unbeknownst to him he has accidentally created a gas so powerful it could wipe out the human race. I have made it even more potent. So when she is on the couch, blind and weak, I will release this gas into the air conditioning unit, and step outside. That's all it takes. Just a few more months.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

A Wedding!

So I was last minute invited to a wedding which means a. someone didn't RSVP and there's extra space and b. WEDDING SEASON! I am so excited- except that it's in Jersey. Hm... well, that's okay, it's been a while since I've been to the Garden State. I guess it's about time I figured out how it got that name. It is at a place described as, "one of New Jersey’s most enchanting garden wedding venues." If I see one three eyed fish, I'm outta there.

The Fever!

I'm not feeling so hot because I have KRIS ALLEN FEVER! That's right kids, he just blew everyone away with his rendition of Heartless. It's hard to find it on video but I got it here from a Japanese station called YouKu, which is a lot like YouTube but in Japanese. I heard even Kanye got so hot and bothered by this performance that he smashed his vocoder and wrote "fraud" on his forehead with a sharpie, but it showed up as "duarf" because he did it in the mirror. Now everyone think he's got a height complex. BTW someone asked me a while back, because I can speak backwards, if I can type words backwards just as fast. The answer, as I just learned, is yes.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

View 2

American Idol recap, as told by a cranky old man:

"Now I don't get these kids running around the stage wearing all kinds of getups and looking like airy poofballs fallen right out of a fruit basket if you know what I mean. But last night I had to hear these nancy's sing these songs I ain't never heard of all dressed in their fancy black clothes looking younger than my own 2 year old grandson. And I'll tell you that boy is a genius. He could out-sing any one of those swishy fluffs any day of the week and twice on Sunday, which is NOT a day you'd find any of those boys at church, I'll tell you what. Probably spending time in one of those bathhouses scrubbing each others privates with a ball of feathers and fairy dust.

What was the question? Oh, yeah. So the guy with the glasses and looking like he hadn't seen a good barber in five days sang some song and then I had to take a whiz. When I came back there was a man dressed as a woman. I thought it was that Liza Minillo at first glance and the only reason I know who Liza is is because my wife made me go see her show last year when we went with the family to New York City. So I said, "Millie, why is Liza on that show?" and she said, "It's a boy with make up on." And by gum, she was right. He had more make up on than that whore I met in Belfast during WWII. And she wasn't much prettier than he was, I'll tell you that. What the blasted was her name? It was some weird Irish sounding one. Anyway, I didn't fight in WWII so some flameball could sing on the TV. I fought in WWII so people like that Miss California could flash her titties and make an old man smile.

Shauna, that was her name. Nice girl. What did you ask about the show? Oh, yeah. I voted for the guy who did the cover of that song by that rap guy, Kanyay. That's a good song, I like that one."

Different View

American Idol recap as told by a 13 year old girl:

"Okay did you guys watch last night's American Idol?!? OMG that's why I, Bettany, am here to help u. OK so first all the guys come out and seriously ADAM GOT A HAIRCUT! It's mad shorter and totally cute. Danny looks awesome but Kris Allen I know he has a wife and I can't even imagine getting in like that Angelina chick did because I am team ANISTON! But Danny and Adam are still single. Let the games begin!

So first Danny comes out and is singing this weird song I never heard of but he is SO CUTE when he tries to dance and that Kara DiSTFU girl told him not to dance and I'm hello, what is this, Footloose? LUCKILY Paula knocked some sense in because she is a choreographer and I saw her last week- she really can dance. I mean, really. And that song she did was totally hot! I love her. Anyway, Go go GOKEY!

Then Kris Allen sang- sigh. He's so cute on that piano. After he Timberlaked all over the place I had to give him some props. I wish I could crush on him but he has a wife! Aaaah! The world is NOT FAIR!

Luckily there's my boyfriend, Adam Lambert. Oh my God. He is so cute when he sings I can't even deal. I thought tho that the haircut made him look like an overgrown hobbit and WHO DID HIS MAKEUP?!? I like a little guyliner but that was a bit too much. I STILL LOVE YOU AND WANT TO MARRY YOU ADAM! Also, did you hear that note he hit? It went straight through the roof and into God's house. I had no idea he could hit that note! It was TOTALLY different than that other note he hit the week before that and the week before that. My brother says he's friends with someone named "Dorothy" and I was like, I don't care who he's friends with, I'm the future Mrs. Lambert.

So then there was this Idol Gives Back thing and my girl Carrie Underwood went all the way to AFRICA to show these kids how to use mosquito nets! She is so awesome. Today in school, after I write this, I think I'm going to organize a thing in my school to help Africans get more nets. She said they were dyiong from malaria and they needed them.

OKAY so now it was Danny's turn and instead of it being judges picks like last time, they got to pick their own song and Danny chose this song that was so beautiful and I seriously seriously cried. CHILLS! He is so getting my vote.

So THEN Kris Allen did an acoustic version of my Kanye West's Heartless and I was like, stop! STOP IT! It was sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo good you guys, like, really good.

But I can't vote for him because my HUSBAND Adam came out and sang this BEAUTIFUL song about crying! I know how he feels! Every night when I sleep and think of him my love burns so strong that I sometimes want to cry! And I couldn't believe it- he hit a crazy note! No, you guys, it was seriously crazier than before. I didn't know he could do THAT! I mean, I knew he could do that other note, and the note the week before that and the week before that, but not that one. That took me off guard, I'll tell you what. OMG! He is so cute.

So that's it. I'm not telling you who I voted for because it's PRIVATE but if Adam doesn't make it I'm serioulsy going to die. OK that's it! Later!"

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

No Offense, But You're Done

I am glad Miss California's 15 minutes are up. After a monumentally media-milking few days, Trump called it like it is- Those pics weren't porn (they were just stupid and amateur), she can keep her title (not worth much anyway) and being Miss Anystate is just a big f@#king joke so who cares. She got more publicity than any of those cutlet stuffing gals should. The contest is what it is- a beauty contest. To even dignify any of their dumb answers to questions with attention is glorifying what we already know: it aint about brains, people.

Also, I don't care if she said she was against reverse opposite marriage, she should at least have a real argument to back it up. So if the converse un-parallelled dissimilar marriage people really want to use her as a spokesface, they should think twice.

Damn! Who drank coffee?!

Oh Gee

So I'm a little dressed up today- what of it? I can look nice too, sometimes. Everyone's got an opinion. This just happened:

Co-Worker: You look like such a little lady today!

Me: Thanks!

Co-Worker: (to Bosslady) Doesn't she look like a little lady today?

Bosslady: Yeah, who is she trying to kid?

Monday, May 11, 2009

F@#king Heck

OK FIRST of all, Miss California Carrie Prejean was quoted as saying this on the show Focus on the Family:

"Dobson: Why did you give the answer you did with regard to the affirmation of marriage?

Prejean: . . . I felt as though Satan was trying to tempt me in asking me this question. And then God was in my head and in my heart saying, "Do not compromise this. You need to stand up for me and you need to share with all these people . . . you need to witness to them and you need to show that you're not willing to compromise that for this title of Miss USA."

Well I thought that was bad. Imagine how I felt when I found out that the Miss USA Pageant PAID FOR HER BREAST IMPLANTS.

From the Huffington Post: "In an interview on 'The Early Show,' Keith Lewis, the co-Director of the Miss California Pageant, admitted to helping Prejean get the boob job.

'We assisted when Carrie came to us and voiced the interest in having the procedure done. We want to put her in the best possible confidence in order to present herself in the best possible light on a national stage."

Well if they're going to do that, they got to work on the whole package. How about a freaking brain transplant? Clearly she thinks Satan is talking to her. Also if you read the whole interview, Captain McDouchefucker claims that if the girls don't get boob jobs they "use chicken cutlets" to make their boobs look bigger. Now never mind the fact that she looks like an emaciated barbie doll anyway.

I'll tell you what I do with chicken cutlets. I eat them. Man, this is really ridiculous. I'm so glad all that "scholarship money" is going towards fake boobs.

Rut Roh

Awwwwwwwwwwwww! You guys have to watch this 'till the end.

Damn Lady!

More and more I'm convinced that Dick Cheney is the anti-Christ. I mean, he's seriously a really weird and evil man. The other day on the news he's all, "I was under the impression Colin Powell is a democrat," and "We need more of Rush Limbaugh," and, "Pass me some more of that fried kitten." What an ass.

On a related note I have to give it up to Wanda Sykes for saying this at the White House Correspondents Dinner. Too much, too soon? Yes, and yes. But awesome.

“Rush Limbaugh said he hope this administration fails. So you’re saying, ‘I hope America fails.’ He just wants the country to fail. To me, that’s treason. He’s not saying anything different than what Osama Bin Laden is saying. You know, you might want to look into this, sir, because I think maybe Rush Limbaugh was the 20th hijacker but he was just so strung out on OxyContin he missed his flight.”

Friday, May 08, 2009

A Stripe

Holy nutballs you guys! I just has to take a pregnancy test! Now before you get all your knickers in a tizzy, I am not pregnant. My gynecologist just wanted to be extra sure because I has what they call "breakthrough bleeding" this week, or what I like to call, "My period came a week early and I'm in pain." It is a result of my crazy recent travel schedule. But she insisted, just to be sure, I take the test.

Now, I have never taken a pregnancy test- never had the need. I always remember to take my no-baby-medicine and if you know me, I'm a fan of all pills. So this was new territory.

My co-workers thought this was hilarious (because I knew I wasn't pregnant and so did they) but for Friday kicks they wanted me to do it right then and there. So I go to Duane Reade and man, seriously- $20 a kit? Of course they can rip you off, you've vulnerable. And who doesn't want to know to the minute if they have a case of the zygotes? I hear there's tests now that'll even tell you if the baby is gay or lesbian. "Oh my god, it's a rainbow!" "I've got a softball!" But I wasn't about to spend a lot of money on something I already knew, so I went for the 1/2 off Duane Reade generic one.

I take it to the register all cool and calm, and after I drop down my $5.49 the woman behind the counter goes, "Good luck!" Really?

Anyway, It's negative. All kinds of crazy negative. One co-worker here told me she was disappointed. Seriously sister? I left it in the trash secretly hoping my boss finds it, all Brenda 90210 style.

Whatta Hero!

I just spent all morning going through pages and pages of documents and bidness to nominate my friend to be a CNN hero! Everything had to be done in "under 200" and "100" words so I had to be to the point. It's hard, man! That's the most work I've done here in 2 years.

Thursday, May 07, 2009

Jury Naughty

Too bad I didn't get to notarize this. Click on the pic for a better view.

Rachel Maddow!

So last night I am in my Snuggie, on the couch sipping my decaf green tea, perusing my copy of Eat Pray Love while glancing up at the Keith Olbermann show, when who do I see but my boss's ex-TV co-worker promoting his new show on MSNBC! Do you understand what that means? I am one degree closer to Rachel Maddow, ladies and gentlemen. He just called and I told him what a fan I was of her show and he SAYS he'll introduce me. Yeah, right- when pigs flu. Oh, wait- that DID happen!

Wednesday, May 06, 2009

Call Me Whatever You Want

This just happened:


Me: Hello?

Caller: Hi, is Mr. [my last name] there?

Me: Uh, that's my name but I'm a Ms. [my last name].

Caller: Oh.

Me: Mr. [my last name] is my father and I haven't seen him in 20 years. Do you know where he is?

Caller: *awkward silence* So I'm working for a computer consulting company and was wondering if you need a new consultant.

Me: Yeah, we're a really small office and have someone. But thanks.

Caller: OK.

Me: And if you talk to my dad, tell him I say hi.

Caller: Um... *click*

American Idull

I know this is going to sound like a horrible thing to say, but I'm really glad that blind guy's not on American Idol anymore.

Sham Rock

It's one of those days where I am finding precious gems on the internet. This is a real news story about a town that thinks they have a leprechaun. Please just watch the whole thing and feel free to tell me your favorite part because I have many.

Boh No

This weekend I had the unfortunate accident of stumbling upon Bono interviewing George Clooney. Here's a transcript:

BONO: You are a very attractive man, did you know that?

CLOONEY: Yes, thank you.

BONO: I'm sorry?

CLOONEY: I said thank you.

BONO: I wasn't talking to you- are we rolling?

CLOONEY: I don't know.

BONO: Oh. I was talking to myself. Sorry about that.

CLOONEY: That's ok.

BONO: Are we rolling?

CLOONEY: I think so. Maybe.

BONO: Okay we are.


BONO: Okay, so, George Clooney, what's it like to be so amazing?

CLOONEY: Really rewarding.

BONO: I know, all that work you did in Rwanda.


BONO: Yeah.

CLOONEY: You did stuff there too, right?

BONO: Yeah.

CLOONEY: That is so awesome.

BONO: Yeah. Really rewarding.

CLOONEY: So rewarding.

BONO: It's tough to be doing so much good in the world sometimes.

CLOONEY: Exhausting. But necessary.

BONO: Yeah.


BONO: Really tiresome.

CLOONEY: So rewarding, though.

BONO: Yeah.


BONO: So how do you handle being so famous yet still down to earth?

CLOONEY: I should be asking you that, Bono.

BONO: I know, right?

CLOONEY: Seriously!!!

BONO: Hahhahahhaha!

CLOONEY: Hahhahahhaha!

BONO: Oh, man.


Sesame Sweet

Well beat me with a cute stick. The pro-gay marriage sites are posting this and even though it isn't out rightly implied in the Bert and Ernie kind of way, it's awfully adorable:

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

My FaceSpace

So I lost another person to Facebook- a friend joined today who has been resisting for a while. I convinced him at a friend's birthday dinner recently that this can be used for both good and evil. The good, for example, is job networking. Many casting agents and people in the business are on Facebook and I've actually gotten messages from random people in the biz who have seen me in something and want to meet/audition/work with me, etc. Our NOM parody has spread like wildfire. I can ask for help with a computer program and receive a reply immediately from a random geek from college who has the answer. Brills.

On the flip side, some people really think it means that you are their friend. Also, you are rather stalkable. Luckily there are ways to protect even your added friends from seeing certain things, but you can't lie to someone and tell them you are staying in one night and then post a message, "This rave is AWESOME!".

So godspeed, my friend. I think one day I might start a social networking site called www.NoSeriouslyIAmActuallyThisPerson'sFriend.com. Or maybe that's the definition of emailing or using the phone. Eh, either way. I'm mostly in it for the fun games.

Letter Hog

I relly relly wnted to write this post bout something rely importnt but I hve run out of the letter "A". Since Maggie Gyllenhaaal nd Peter Saarsgaaard got mrried this weekend there hs been mssive outge of the first letter of the lphbet. So I guess my rely importnt post will hve to wit until the A's get off the endngered species list.

Monday, May 04, 2009


I go onto CuteOverload.Com to see pictures like this:

NOT to look at pics of a hamster's funeral. No, seriously. Cute Overload is supposed to make you feel all good inside, like if you just ate a rainbow and washed it down with sunshine juice. Now I'm in a foul mood.

I'm 10

Co-Worker Oblivious To My Childish Sense Of Humor: Did you see that little girl at the golf tournament this weekend that got hit by the golf ball?

Me: Oh no! Is she okay?

CWOTMCSOH: Yeah, it fell in her lap!

Me: Oh no!

CWOTMCSOH: It's a good thing too. Those balls are really hard.

Me: Wow. Yeah. They are. Really hard. (*please go away. now*)

CWOTMCSOH: Can you imagine? (*stands there for another 2 minutes talking about hard golf balls*)

Friday, May 01, 2009

Now That's What I Call Home Cooking

The Colonel would be proud. Yes, this is a WHOLE chicken in a can.

For the love of all that is holy, do not look at this unless you have a strong stomach. This is what it looks like out of the can.

Huh? What?

So the other day I'm walking my dog past a construction site when I hear this guy yelling and it wasn't until after about a minute I realize he was trying to yell at me. Silly me- I thought that maybe he was yelling because that's what guys at sites do like, "Careful!" or "Hey, move out of the way! Beam swinging!" I mean that makes sense. And there's jackhammers going and drills and trucks beeping- how the hell was I supposed to know that yelling at me a clear 60 yards away was aimed towards me? It wasn't until I heard, "Oh, I see. You're a lesbian. That's ok, I get it." As if that were this big insult. Clearly he hasn't seen the photos from my Hawaiian vacation.

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