A day by day and often hourly account of a temp

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Year of Tempy

Those of us who write random thoughts on the interwebs know that people often visit our sites not because they know us, but because of key search terms. And when we track said traffic, we can see what those search terms are. Here's the top reasons people found my blog in search engines for the last year:

It's really not all that shocking. I'm only slightly surprised that naughty secretary is right below cookaroos, but I'm glad that people who are interested in ornithology are getting what they need from Tempy.

To be quite honest with you, I don't really remember what all these posts are about - I do remember writing about kittens, George Bush, dinosaurs and dwarf dogs, but I can't quite place the x-ray porn part. Oh, well. Let's all do our share to bring "mexico ID" up in the ranks, shall we?  

Friday, January 27, 2012

Who Do You Think I Am?

Based on search terms, there's a way to find out how old Google thinks you are. Say, for example, I'm Googling "Werther's Original" and "When is Jessica Tandy's birthday", you'll likely assume that I'm 75. Here's what Google has to say about me, based on my search terms (click on the picture to enlarge):

Yes! Google thinks I'm younger than I am! Wait... that might not be a good thing. To find out how old Google thinks you are, click here.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

GOP Theater

A door opens. In the silhouette we see the figure of a man - lean, tall.

Newt Gingrich: Come in.

Mitt Romney enters the room, closes the door behind him, and sits across from Gingrich.

Mitt Romney: Newt.

Gingrich: Mitt.

Romney: Newt.

Gingrich: Mitt.

Romney: Newt.

They burst out laughing

Gingrich: Aw, dude! Good to see you. Scotch?

Romney: Newt, you know I don't drink. I'm a "Mormon".

They both laugh as Gingrich gives Romney a hearty pour in a glass. Romney downs it and tips his glass for more. Gingrich obliges.

Gingrich: Ah, but seriously. I asked you here for more than just drinks.

Romney: Of course.

Gingrich: I have a question.

Romney: Shoot.

Gingrich: Does this tie make me look fat?

They laugh

Romney: Yes!

Gingrich: But seriously folks, what doesn't! Ha ha, no, anyway, we need to talk about the primaries. First of all, great job on your attack ads.

Romney: No, no not my attach ads... my Super Pac's ads!

Gingrich: Ha! Yeah. Anyway, nice work.

Romney: Thank you sir, same to you.

Gingrich: I know. Now, I want to talk about Santorum.

Romney: Ugh, that piece of shmegma?

Gingrich: I know, I know. But... he's still on our tail.

Romney: I should have pantsed him when I had the change at the last debate.

Gingrich: Yeah, that guy deserves a major wedgie.

Romney: Big time.

Gingrich: Listen, you know and I know that whoever "wins" this is still the "winner" since we've each bet $200 million that the other one of us will win. Shit, I'll take that money and take Calista to a nice island off the coast of somewhere and just disappear.

Romney: I have the same plans for my family. I seriously hate politics.

Gingrich: But if Santorum wins, then what?

Romney: Exactly.

Gingrich: He has a chance.

Romney: Not with the ladies.

Gingrich: ZING!

Romney: ZOWWWWA!!!! Ahahhaha, but seriously.. I'm listening.

Gingrich: We need to do something drastic. I mean, drastic.

Romney: I'll kill him with my own bare hands. I'll put him on the roof of my car in an airtight container and watch him shit himself. I'll get one of my sons to shoot him in the...

Gingrich: Wait wait no! No. Here's what we do. In Florida, let's make a major push for one of us to win. The other will screw up in a debate - stammer, look a fool. Perry it up.

Romney: Got it. Ok, last time was me so this time how about you fuck it up.

Gingrich: Weeeell... let's toss a coin.

Romney: Think that's fair?

Gingrich: I mean, it is a coin.

Romney: OK.

Gingrich: Heads I win, tails you lose.

Romney: Sounds fair.

Gingrich: Ok, Heads! I win.

Romney: So... wait, that means you'll take Florida?

Gingrich: That's what we agreed on! 

Romney: Um, ok.

Gingrich: Hey HEY! This is all about keeping this from Santorum. Shoot, if I win, which I don't WANT to do, you'll get $200 million from me.

Romney: Yeah... about that. Do you even have $200 million? I mean I know you know I do.

Gingrich: Of course! It's in an offshore... money market... trust... thing.

Romney: I know we didn't sign anything, but a gentleman's agreement means a lot to me.

Gingrich: Me too.

Romney smiles and gets up. He and Gingrich shake hands.

Romney: I mean, we're all on the same team.

Gingrich: Except Santorum!

Romney: Exactly. Well, I better go. I have to start practicing my "awkward debate pauses".

They laugh

Gingrich: K, see you later!

Romney: Buh bye!

Romney strides out. Gingrich closes the door behind him.

Gingrich: Fool.

Gingrich laughs. And laughs. Laughs long and heartily. Then coughs a bit. And laughs again.

Monday, January 23, 2012

My Night With My Week With Marilyn

I had the absolute pleasure of seeing "My Week With Marilyn" last night courtesy of the SAG awards freebies. It was actually quite a beautiful movie, if I may be serious for a moment. It also had some parts that really hit home for me as I am in the "business of show" as they say.

The plot is pretty simple, and it is based on a true story. Marilyn Monroe is cast alongside Lawrence Olivier in a romantic comedy in London (yes, I know). Once they start shooting, it becomes painfully obvious that Marilyn Monroe can't act. Or rather, she's ok, but her insecurities and the need to be loved by everyone hinder her ability to do much, let alone show up on time. Plus there's all those pills she's taking.

She is shadowed constantly by an "acting coach" who quite literally walks her through every step of every line, much to the chagrin of the director (who also happens to be Lawrence Olivier). When Marilyn is convinced she's doing a terrible job (she is), her acting coach gets on her knees and tells Marilyn that she is the greatest actress that ever lived. I have actually met actors like this, and the people that "worship" them. I don't even need to tell you why this is a very unhealthy situation. In the end, well, I won't give anything away, but you should see it.

My only beef with the movie was that Michelle Williams was just too damn skinny. Scrawny, actually. I know, I know, it's all been said before but come on - if I was cast in something where I knew it was ok to be 20 lbs over from what I am, I would be on it like white on rice. Literally, I'd be on a mountain of rice. That being said, Michelle Williams was phenomenal (as usual).

Friday, January 20, 2012

Important News

It's Friday and you know what that means - ground breaking GOSSIP! Yes, today I am going to give you some insider information. I have it on good authority (ie something I read somewhere) that Jennifer Aniston is indeed pregnant. I know, I know. This news affects all of us. But seriously, if I am right, can't we agree that I scooped all the major mags? Just wait... I'll be the one sitting on a throne with a pimp chalice wearing the "I Told You So" shirt.

In other news, did you know our President can sing? Showtime at the Apollo indeed.

Friday, January 13, 2012

Contagion: Catch It!

Well it's SAG awards season which means I come home to free DVD's in my mailbox. The theory is that SAG members are supposed to watch all the movies that are nominated, then vote. But seeing as how most people have not seen all the movies nominated, the studios send out DVD's to encourage people to see them. The problem with that is a. I think awards ceremonies are a sham so I don't vote anyway and b. No, I'm not going to watch The Help. I am excited about some of the others, so that's good.

The one movie that did NOT get nominated, however, is the one movie I wanted to see this year but never got the chance: It's the thriller caller Contagion. I finally rented it last night.

First of all, any movie where Gwyneth Paltrow dies within the first few minutes is right by me, so it got off to a good start. I'm not giving anything away - from the trailer you learn that she's the first patient to catch it. I was upset when Kate Winslet died (spoiler alert one line too late), but other than that, the movie was pretty damn good. I did learn a lot about disease, too. For example, did you know that the Spanish Flu killed 100 million people in 6 months? Holy crap, that was less than a hundred years ago. I learned some other interesting facts as well:

  • When you're one of the first to be infected by a highly contagious and fast acting yet still unknown virus, always take public transportation.
  • While on said public transport, especially when you start to feel faint and sweaty, be sure to touch every single handrail, pole and surface you find. Lean up against someone to hold yourself up. It's also best to do this while swaggering, and in slow motion.
  • When you finally die, make sure someone arranges a flashback scenario recounting how many people you touched that day.
  • Always trust the liberal blogger who thinks he has a cure.
  • But not at first. At first, you shun the liberal blogger. 
  • If you've shunned the liberal blogger, you'll die.
  • When you have been working on the case for days and then suddenly cough, say out loud, "Oh. No."
  • Don't go to Hong Kong.
That's about it. But seriously, the movie was really good. Tonight we will likely be watching Moneyball, and I'll let you know how that goes, although I'm pretty sure I'm going to learn that the underdog who loves math too much will eventually win something.

Friday, January 06, 2012

Santorum? I Don't Even...

Yes, we've all known for about 8 years now what happens when you Google Santorum. So, let's just get the giggles out of the way for a second. Better? Ok, I'll give you another minute. No, no... it is funny.

ANYWAY I saw Santorum on the news this morning and he was going on and on about how gays are dangerous and the anchors on Morning Joe said, and I quote, "You gotta give it to the guy for not changing the subject whenever people ask him about it". I'm sorry, but if he was talking about his ideas about the economy or our military role overseas, I'd be like, yeah, talk all you want. But when he insists on getting airtime to spew his ignorant opinions on homosexuality, it's kind of like saying, "Gosh that serial killer keeps killing people but darn it, he's got gumption!". Now, if Rick Santorum were to get up and say, "Okay, I am stating a bigoted opinion about a group that repulses me based on my own homophobia and strict adherence to the religious convictions that I am trying to impose on you," I'd give him a slow clap. But until then, stop giving him props for "not changing the subject".

This is him on Fox, making even a Fox news anchor go, "Wha?"

Wednesday, January 04, 2012

Put The Cauc in Caucus

Well, the Iowa "Huh Why Do We Still Do This" Caucus is over, and Mitt is it! I think we all knew he's do well, although with the way this race has been going, nothing surprises me anymore. You could tell me a two ton octopus with rickets had entered the race and I'd still think it had a chance. Speaking of who we have running, the other day I heard Mitt Romney talking and I was like, aw, you're the guy in high school who was perpetually in the "friend zone". So, if I had gone to high school with any of these candidates, who would these people be?

Mitt Romney - Like I said, Friend Zone. Someone who I thought had a really nice personality but I'd never want to see naked.

Rick Santorum - I cheated off him in bio.

Ron Paul - He was a player, a major player. He'd get all the girls stoned behind the bleachers as they collectively made fun of the football team. Complicated goths read him poetry while he strummed guitar, and, at some point over the year, he made love to every single one of them. Some of them at the same time. (I'm kidding - he was in the glee club. I just wanted to put that image in your head of him having lots of sex. Good luck getting it out.)

Newt Gingrich - I'd like to imagine him as the quiet, pudgy, endearing guy who eagerly helped me out in English class and volunteered to be my partner during presentations. Maybe I kind of liked him. Don't judge, he was really nice.

Rick Perry - DID SOMEBODY SAY FOOTBALL?!? Because he was the water boy.

Michele Bachmann - I'm not joking, I actually went to school with someone like this. She was in every club, on the staff of every publication, and ran for class president. I don't know if she won, because honestly, who cared. She became salutatorian and has since vanished into obscurity. Enough said.

Jon Huntsman - Oh, let's face it, he's the narc.

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