A day by day and often hourly account of a temp

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Not News

Well, this is unfortunate. In today's Metro, there are two articles next to each other that people who aren't really paying attention, like me, may read as one. Let's put these two tragic stories together to make them even more tragic, shall we?

Brooklyn Man Killed Mom Sues When Tree Frat House Crushes Tent.

I know that title doesn't make a lot of sense, but in this day and age of the internets I've noticed that poor grammar has started to permeate into print journalism (although the NY Post never really had a chance), therefore, I didn't question it.

So now I'm imagining a woman that was killed by a Brooklyn man is suing because the local fraternity's tree house crushed the tent she was living in. Either way, this does not bode well for our economy when a woman lives in a tent, and a frat needs to be in a tree house.

Where's my coffee?

Monday, June 27, 2011

Ceiling Eyes Has Some Competition

Well hello there young Americans! I'm back, refreshed after a day at the beach and ready to party. TEA PARTY THAT IS!!! No, not really. If I were a member of any non-traditional new political party it would definitely be the "Martini Party" but that's neither here nor there.

On that note, batshit crazy eyes Michele Bachmann is running for president, and I'm pretty sure the most excited person right now is SNL's Kristen Wiig, not that she needs any job security. Can you tell which is which?

Exactly. In other news, here's an actual quote from our future Republican presidential candidate (don't be surprised if she is):

"Normalization [of gayness] through desensitization. Very effective way to do this with a bunch of second graders is take a picture of 'The Lion King' for instance, and a teacher might say, 'Do you know that the music for this movie was written by a gay man?' The message is: 'I'm better at what I do, because I'm gay.'"

That is totally what the message of the Lion King is! This is why I, as a straight woman, don't write songs and marry gay men. This is exactly why!

In other other news, Palin was spotted drunk on Miller, kicking a moose and wailing in the back woods of Alaska today.

Friday, June 24, 2011

Milestones, Gay Marriage, And Gay Marriage Milestones

Gosh you guys, it's been a while and I'm almost at my 3,000th post!

So, what shall I do for my 3,000th post? Is that even a lot of posts in this day and age? I know a girl who's been blogging for 10 years. Shoot, 10 years ago I didn't have a computer and still used my rotary phone to make reservations for a carrier pigeon to tell my friends I'd meet them at the nickelodeon to see a talkie. I mean THAT is old, people. I think I've even only tweeted 200 times, and that has all been show related or messages to my local congressperson. So I'm not quite sure this is an achievement.

But when I get to my 3,000th post, I'll do something fun. Just a little thing for the 3 of you who read this.

In other news, let's talk about gay marriage! I'd just like to quote something I read today in Metro, in reference to Kim Kardashian and Nick Lachey's weddings (not to each other - yet) getting televised, and Hugh Hefner:

"So here we have Hefner publicizing his failed attempt at wedding No. 3 to a woman sixty years younger than he is and two celebs (one of whom got famous for making a sex tape) trying to make a buck from their second marriages by planning huge, wasteful, over-the-top nuptials.

And here people complain about gay people trying to ruin the 'sanctity' of marriage ..."

Amen sister. Oy. I really hope NY lets gays marry. Not just because it's the right thing to do, but because apparently I'm on a lot of gay rights mailing lists I don't have the heart to unsubscribe from that are filling up my inbox.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Special Sheep

Having recently gone through the whole breast cancer "better safe than sorry" freak out, I think I'd like to invest in a sheep. Not just because their wool is so functional, but apparently they can detect cancer.

Hear me out - I don't have a dog anymore so this may be the perfect solution. I'll let him graze outside in the back all he wants, and every three months he can do a body scan/bump.

This goes back to a story I read this morning: a woman's sheep totally freaked out one day and began chest bumping her. She knew this was unusual because he was normally very docile and neither of them were watching their favorite competitive sports team. So naturally she went to the doctor. I'll let you read the story but let's just say I'll be spending the rest of the day googling "miniature cancer detecting sheep". They're like miniature giraffes, but with less opulence.

Monday, June 06, 2011

Google Street Phew!

I was walking down the street today when the GOOGLE STREET VIEW CAR was about to roll by! Oh my gosh, there are so many amazing things one can do. So, what should I have done? Show them my boobs? Flip the bird? Make a silly face? Pretend I was being muggged? As the van rolled closer and closer, all I could think to do was wave stupidly at the car. So in a few months, check out the northeast corner of 46th and 5th and you'll see me looking like a fucking idiot. But at least I'm wearing a pretty dress. It won't be as good as this, though:

Friday, June 03, 2011

Friday Friday

It's a beautiful day to have someone else do my laundry! I'm having such an interesting week, I don't really know where to start. Oh, I have an idea - Tuesday, accidental drinks with Steve Buschemi's brother. He was introduced to me at a gathering that our show's manager throws every month and she's all, "Here's one of my clients, So-and-So" and I'm thinking, wow, if Steve Buschemi were older and had crazier hair he'd be... this guy standing in front of me. Turns out he lives near my neighborhood so we talked about Brooklyn and food and not his teeth. NOT HIS TEETH.

Wednesday I had a group session with a sexologist. Not like that, you pervs! She's going to be a guest on our show so we met with her, and we ended up having a fascinating conversation about sex and relationships. She's a very interesting person because she's from Iran and specializes in teaching women about their sexual pleasure. Surprisingly, she's not as welcome in Iran, but then again, her brand of teaching hasn't been welcomed in many places. I could have listened to her talk all day about her life, but we eventually started talking about the good stuff - I mean, she wrote a book called "Orgasm". (I know most of you thought I wrote that book!) It was fascinating to hear her thoughts about the mind-body connection, and what makes a good relationship. On of my friends/cast mates was open enough to talk about her last relationship where the sex was "mind-blowing" but the relationship was so co-dependent, suffocating and unhealthy that she spent half the time being euphoric and the other half utterly miserable. Her problem now is learning how to be in a functional relationship where she can take care of herself and be her own person, while still co-existing with another fully formed individual, and have great sex. And, I might add, she's doing very well with her new man. So that night was rather interesting. Then we braided each others hair and talked about Justin Bieber!

Yesterday I got to spend some quality time with my friend who was stuck in the hospital for yet another annoying complication with his health. He's doing so much better now and he looks great. I'd like to credit his speedy recovery to the US Weekly I bought him, but I'm pretty sure it was the team of doctors and antibiotics that did the trick. Luckily he goes home today.

So I hope everyone has a wonderful Friday. As for me, I'm ordering pizza. Because why the fuck not?

Thursday, June 02, 2011

Vita Cocolicious

This commercial for Vita Coco is confusing. It starts out with Rihanna shooting a man, and then follows her running around Barbados drinking Vita Coco, in front of signs for Vita Coco. In fact, she can't get enough of the delicious coconut milk, that she has a guy with a big machete open up a coconut for her and put a straw in it straight up. Meanwhile, she's singing some "I shot the Sherriff"-esque auto tuned mess about how she shot this dude. All while drinking her Vita Coco. And then it turns out the guy had raped her the night before, and she sings about how she doesn't want to go to jail, because they don't serve Vita Coco there. That is some crazy s@#t.

Wednesday, June 01, 2011


A few weeks ago, the satire paper The Onion had an hilarious article about Planned Parenthood's new "Abortionplex". Naturally, some people didn't get the joke, but Yelp users are having a field day. Please do enjoy some of the comments.

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