When You Gotta Go
A day by day and often hourly account of a temp
Well, it's official.
It smells like something has died under my desk today. Oh wait... no, that's just Luke Perry's career.
I hate going to the bathroom on our floor because we share the floor with a big real-estate company that is mostly women and there's always a conference or fashion show or something going on in there. Also the women are rude and they like to talk on the phone while they're peeing.
My co-workers are right now making a J-Date profile for a guy who works in the office upstairs. The problem is, he doesn't know. They're just trying to help because he got back together with this girl who's all wrong for him and he's never been more miserable. My job is to procure a good picture of him. I can't believe we're doing this.
I love Daniel Holloway, a writer for Metro NY. He brought up a funny point today after Barack Obama said that Will Smith should play him if there were a movie about his life because they both have the ears. Holloway then thought about who would play various presidential candidates. A good observation was Mike Huckabee would be played by Larry the Cable Guy.
Last night I came home to find a DVD of an open mic performance I was a part of a few weeks ago. I pop it into the computer and start to watch it. At one point while I'm singing, the camera zooms in on my face and I'm all, "Sweet," and then I notice my dog is staring up at the computer and cocking his ears. So I tilted the screen down and said, "Look, that's me." For a dog with arthritis, dwarf legs and ten years on him, I have never seen him jump up so fast. Balancing the top paws of his ridiculously disproportioned body in my lap, Stumpy McCircusfreak started desperately sniffing at the screen. Then he looked at me, looked back at the screen, sniffed again, then jumped down and just stood there looking really confused. He then forgot where he was because he has the attention span of a goldfish and lay down on the ground to lick himself.
So I was trying to fax something to my boss' 80 something year old stepfather, and it just didn't work so I called him and asked if I wrote down the right number.
I don't think this guy knows his dog is possessed. Then again, I don't think his dogs know that their owner is probably a serial killer.
Obama: A terrorist, Hil?
I'd like to meet the dildo who pulled the emergency brake on the train this morning. There's nothing like taking four trains to work. Luckily I always get in before my boss because she doesn't understand the concept of time. Oh, and to all those people who run full speed to get into a train before the doors close and then stop once they're in the train even though there's a lot of room for you to move? F@#k you, and I will continue to bump into your back.
From the Newsweek website:
Wow. I really like this shirt. Wish I had a birthday coming up. Oh, wait.
The lead male dancer in this from last night's Oscar's is my friend's brother!!! He is such a cool guy. He looks even better dressed as a fairytale prince.
First of all, for the last half hour I had another allergy scare- basically my throat got super itchy and that's what happened the last time. Luckily it didn't swell up but I think I'm going to ask the boss people to buy me an air purifier because I'm allergic to something here. Maybe it's all that crappy Home Depot stock they bought a while back. That'll cause anyone to break into hives.
Okay, I'm not made of wood. And maybe I was a little tipsy from the prosecco I sipped at an Oscar bash, but when I got home I saw that ASPCA commercial with Sarah McLachlan where she's got that huge old yellow lab on her lap that must be like, 34 or something, and then there's a montage of some of the cutest fucking dogs and cats you'll see in your entire life under one of her songs. I mean, really. So for $18 a month (60 cents a day) you can sponsor an animal. So I joined, okay? But here's what you get- you receive a T-shirt and one of those Lance Armstrong bands but it's red and it says "I Love Animals" or "Petstrong" or something, and a picture of the animal you sponsor. And for every person who donates, Sarah McLachlan will personally visit and sing her hit "Building a Mystery" to every animal in every shelter in the continental US. For an extra $5 she'll perform "Possession". It's a win-win.
I love stories entitled: Zoo Tiger Escapes, Takes a 30 Minute Stroll. I guess this little guy got out and was wandering the zoo. According to the article, he might have been "looking for his partner Chrissie." Wait... was Chrissie missing too? Is Chrissie another tiger and if not, who is Chrissie? Now I'm really worried.
Bosslady: I need you to do a really stupid favor for me.
Okay, this just happened:
God bless the Weekly World News. I had forgotten what a gem of a paper it is until recently. Check out this article about an airline run by terrorists: "No one's going to hijack a plane when everyone else on the plane is a crazed terrorist," Humad says. "Sure, terrorists are crazy, but we're not crazy enough to get on a plane that might be hijacked."
Okay, everyone in my office is either pretending to be sick or actually sick because all of my co-workers have taken at least 10 days off each since the bonuses were given out. Today we are missing three people. However, I haven't gotten sick all year. Save for the occasional cold and near death scare, I don't have whatever it is they have. I know I'm jinxing myself, but I think the only thing I'll catch is a big case of lazy.
Hey guys, if you haven't already heard, a really cool bar in my neighborhood is closing. But instead of crying about it, why don't we do something about it all 80's movie-like? No, seriously- hear me out.
Okay, this beagle puppy is freaking cute. Almost as cute as Uno the winner of Westminster whose show name is "Champion K-Run's Park Me In First" by the way.
I don't normally steal from my friend's blogs but this is so amazing I have to share it. Thank you, Adventures in Brooklyn.
Holy crow, did you know on evite you can make a "party profile"? It's a character you develop and when people see your evite they click on it and it speaks!!! Here's mine. I think next time I'll pick the Jesus graphic. It's hours of fun!
For further proof that my dog is slowly going senile, here's a good story. The other night we're laying on the couch when I noticed an untouched pig ear on the floor. He loves pig ears. So figuring that he was just too lazy to go down and get it, I kind of nudged it next to him on the couch. First he looked up and started sniffing in that general direction. Proud that my little plan worked, I watched as he slowly pulled himself up, nose twitching in curiosity towards the pig ear.
So I guess there's a satellite that is careening towards earth which is "fine" because there is only a 1 in 4 chance it will hit land, and even then there's only a 1 in 2 chance that the toxic chemicals it will emit will harm someone or something. But just to be safe, the government is going to shoot it down. We're fighting the war there so we don't have to fight it here. Even though we're the ones who... put it there. But what really gets me is that they're not shooting it down out of safety concerns for those people on the ground. Instead they are worried that if the Russians get a hold of it, they'll get all these spy secrets about us. Oh, and it's 1985.
It's totally cool that my boss found me and my co-worker watching a video of Bai Ling sing a song about masturbation. I mean, it is Friday.
Apparently I'm not just watching a puppy this weekend, I'm constructing a nuclear reactor. This is the instruction manual I got from the owner. I actually might not even be watching her because another co-worker of mine really wants to do it because her and her fiance are thinking of getting a dog and this would be good practice. I'll probably have the dog for one day just because it's been too long since my house smelled like urine.
For those of you who have yet to see Eddie Izzard's stand up called "Dressed to Kill", at least check this clip out. I love this guy.
Okay, you guys have to do this right now- it's the Unclaimed Funds website for New York State. If any of you have ever had a bank account in New York, you might have some unclaimed funds. The money will just go to the government if you don't check. If you aren't from New York there is a way to check nationally but you'll have to google that yourselves because I'm not your fucking secretary. My friend did this a few years ago and got like, $8,000. I had an old savings account as a kid after my parents sued this big store for a faulty display of glass that fell on me when I was seven. That's why I am so horribly disfigured. Anyway, the money was set to go to school and my mom can't remember if she closed the account after she took the money out. So I go on this website and put in my name and it says the name of the bank that I had an account in. I went ahead and sent in the paperwork. You should all try this!
I was just on the phone listening to this guy tell me what state and federal work posters I have to order and while he was talking I just wasn't listening- kind of like when Mike Huckabee talks about god or anything. Next thing you know, I ordered $100 worth of posters but it's okay because I got approval.
I don't mean to post a lot of things about dogs today, but it just so happened that my I woke up to find that my dog vomited a little bile this morning. I have a vague recollection of hearing him whine in the middle of the night, but I just assumed he was remembering an old episode of Lassie. So I googled it, because I'm too cheap to go to a vet, and it could be anything from allergies to motion sickness to, "Oh, it's Thursday - time to vomit." I need to teach him how to do it in the toilet just like any other self respecting man.
Hey, that's the fashion police driving by! You're under arrest! No, but seriously, what was the "story" behind this? You know how designers have a story, like "This look is for the young traveler from Italy who finds herself in a Parisian fountain with doves," and then a model walks out with a white flowy dress? Was this story like, "She's a young Scottish bride who is driving to her wedding when a deer jumps out of nowhere and impales her with its antlers as she hits it head on. In a field of lilacs." Help me out here, people.
Is it weird that all I've done this morning is watch Uno the beagle's winning moments at Westminster on YouTube? Is it weirder that a few weeks ago a Staples representative scheduled a meeting with me and I totally forgot and he's sitting 5 feet away and I'm making him wait as I write this?
I woke up this morning with the worst muscle spasm. I took an Alleve and it did nothing. Just thought I'd share.
A beagle won this year' s Westminster Dog show. A beagle! For the first time ever.
I got a 1099 from a gig I got this year and I figured I'd ask the in-office accountant how I put that into Turbo Tax. Then I was all, "Well, what if I just 'forget' to put it in? Because once I do, I'll get like, no money back. Wink wink." Like, he's an accountant- he's supposed to be able to tell me how to screw the government. Turns out you can't because it will "show up" on their "computer", and by "show up" I mean "rain on" and by "computer" I mean "my parade".
A deserted warehouse. On a table are medical instruments and supplies.
Now that I'm a rock star, (I had the pleasure of singing two songs in a set for my very talented Patientboy, along with my main cats Steve and Wojo last night), I've decided to get really reclusive and blog poorly. For example, Lily Allen, the British songstress/talk show host (?) recently blogged about everything from the computer she writes on to what she ate yesterday.
I don't know Paris Hilton personally, I've just seen her naked and hear she has herpes. And I'm not one to make fun of vapid, ego maniacal untalented celebrities unless they do something like this- Paris Hilton dropped her cat off to get neutered last month and hasn't yet picked it up. Citing abandonment, it was returned to the place she adopted it from.
... I had to join this group. Especially since the man himself referred to his Facebook site this morning:
Out copy machine is from 1972 and I'm on the phone with a technician who is walking me through fixing the machine and I feel like I'm diffusing a bomb.
So the bar I used to work at is turning 10 this year (yikes!) and I am the official co-party planner. My main job is to get all the old bartenders that have ever worked there to show up, and luckily it's been easy. But I had trouble tracking down one of my favorites- this Irish guy who I used to work Fridays with. He's the kind of guy who would delegate bullshit tasks to me like, "Can you count the ice cubes for me," or he'd ask me to tie his shoelaces for him when he was making a tough order and I'd kneel down only to find he was joking.
There are always celebrities on the street where I work. I've seen Julianne Moore, some models, and my co-worker yesterday saw Star Jones. But I just saw the awesomest- Chris Noth, aka, Mr. Big from Sex in the City. Know what? He's mighty friggin handsome in person.
OK you guys, I need some help. I am currently third in the celebrity fantasy league. Here's a list of who is available to swap in. Which one of the following celebs do you think will go into rehab within the next week?
|Gellar, Sarah Michelle|
|Hewitt, Jennifer Love|
So last night as I was heading out to meet my teammates from the celebrity
This is a conversation i just had with my boss on the phone:
This is what I hear as I step into the conference room to clear the coffee thermoses while a meeting is going on :
I was watching television last night when I saw quite possibly the most depressing thing ever. It was this douchebag couple who started their own religion called the Fellowship of the Woodlands (I am not making this up). Anyway, they were hawking their new book called One Month to Live, and they have a website, OneMonthToLive.com. Seriously.
It it just me or is this dog kind of ugly? Ok, maybe not ugly, but slightly disturbing? I think maybe it's because this dog's name is Sunshine and it clearly looks like it's been dipping its nose in a coal mine. And then there's the unibrow effect. Sort of kind of looks like Selma Hayek in that movie.