A day by day and often hourly account of a temp

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Day Off

I'm taking a personal day tomorrow because after the last two weeks I need a gosh darn day off. I just sent this email to my co-workers:

"I will not be in the office tomorrow- if you need anything urgently, or if there is a fire and you don’t know what to do since none of you showed up to the fire drill this morning, then feel free to text me."

Oh, Ken

This is not a joke. Ladies and gentlemen, after 50 years of oppression, secrets and lies, Ken finally has had his day.

Ken is gay. Not just gay, out.

Remember the break-up rumors a few years ago when they "stopped making Ken dolls" and Barbie had a "career" and a lot of cool "female friends"? We've moved into the 21st century people. I just wonder how long it's gonna be before Barbie totally cougars out and Mattel finally introduces the 20 year old hot Latino model lover doll.

From a site description: "Cool sophistication in breezy Palm Beach! Sporting a dashing jacquard-patterned jacket with a light pink polo shirt and crisp white pants, Ken doll is ready for Palm Beach social season, sunning by the pool and a stroll with his little companion. Fashion designed exclusively for the Silkstone Barbie doll body. Includes Ken doll, jacket, pink polo shirt, white shoes, dog with leash, swim trunks and accessories, doll stand and certificate of authenticity. For the adult collector. Order yours today!"

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Facebook It


So I'm super busy today you guys, but never too busy to research the new album cover from our favorite American Idol non-winner-but-winner-in-the-game-of-life Adam Lambert aka Glambert. Tell me this picture does not want to make you go back in time when your oldest sister dressed you up as a tranny girl and took you to a night at L'Amour Rocks.

I was 12.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Oh Man

I'm booking a room in Miami for my boss and in the confirmation number the woman on the phone goes, "K as in kilo... W as in whiskey..." I wish I were going.

Lunch Poll

So every day we order lunch from a place called SeamlessWeb. You give them your zip code and they list all the restaurants that deliver to your area. The best part is you can search by any number of ways. Go ahead- go on it and put in zip code 10021 and see what comes up. Then go on "Browse Cuisines". I'm feeling rather adventurous lately- for example, I never liked Indian food but the other week I was like, aw heck,and I tried it again and it was ok! So what new kind of food should I get today?

Where There's Smoke

*ring ring*

ALLSTATE INSURANCE COMPANY: Hello, thank you for calling Allstate. Thanks for holding, my name is Samantha.

TOM SAMSON: Hi Samantha.

AIC: What is the reason for your call?

TS: Hi, my name is Tom Samson and we have homeowners insurance with you and I have a question.

AIC: Great. What's your question?

TS: Well, there's a fire in our house right now and before we call the fire department I just want to make sure we are covered.

AIC: Yeah... a lot of it depends on the cause of the fire. Do you know what caused it?

TS: Not yet.

AIC: Did you have oily rags and newspapers in your basement?

TS: Maybe.

AIC: Hmmm...

TS: Well, listen, I should probably call the fire department so I guess I need a referral.

AIC: I'd love to give you the referral, I just have a few more questions for you.

SUSIE (from other room): Daddy! Daddy, help!

TS: Susie, just go out the other window.

SUSIE: But I'm scared!

AIC: I can hold.

TS: Thanks.

(scuffle, screams)

TS: Sorry about that. Kids- it's like, just jump already! You know like a momma bird and the nest. They just gotta learn how to fly and all they need is a nudge.

AIC: Too true.

TS: Where were we?

AIC: Oh, yes, before I fax a referral to the fire department, I'll just need to ask a few more questions.

TS: Of course.

AIC: When did you first notice the fire?

TS: Hmmm.... you mean like when I first smelled smoke?

AIC: Exactly.

TS: Maybe like, a few minutes ago?

AIC: OK, I just want to be sure that the fire hasn't been smoldering since, before you got the insurance. You know, cuz then we couldn't...

TS: Of course! No, no. Just a few minutes. Ouch! Ah, do you think we can hurry this up?

AIC: It's okay. Looks like you'll be covered. Let me get that referral to your fire department in Newark.

TS: Newark, NJ? Oh, wow that's far. We're in Queens.

AIC: I know, but it's the closest one we cover.

TS: Well, alright.

AIC: Please hold while I fax that referral over.

*hold music*

Private eyes *clap*
Are watching you *clap clap*
They see your every move
Private Eyes *clap*
Are watching you *clap clap*
Private eeeeyyyes
Are watching you watching you watching you

TS: I love this fucking song (clap clap)

AIC: OK all set!

TS: Great.

AIC: Let me give you a confirmation number... it's 343SWX

TS: Thanks! I'll call them now. Then I guess I better get out of the house! I'm getting a bit dizzy.

AIC: You got it! Remember to stay on the ground while you crawl out.

TS: Oh, right! Thanks a bunch.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Guess What

I don't think it's even possible for you to guess exactly how many Oreos are in my stomach right now, unless you know how to count to like, a trillion.


Now, this is what happens when rejects from the Saved By the Bell casting call collide with old Growing Pains scripts fermented in unicorn poop - serious. It's all about the "cyberwebs" and teaches kids how to surf the internets with safety and ease. I'll let you guess which waxy child is my favorite. (Keep your eye out for what may or may not have been added later):

Buzz Kill

So I finally found someone to go see that scary movie Paranormal Activity with me. Holy crap- it was really awesome, and very scary. I was worried about not being able to sleep last night, but oddly enough what kept me up is what is known as "Normal Activity"- a freaking mosquito. I think it was made of steel all Terminator like. Seriously, I whacked at it on two separate occasions yet it kept coming back stronger, faster and wiser.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Just Another Conversation

KingMaddox (12:36:53 PM): helloooo

PlsCall4Help (12:36:56 PM): that u Maddox?

KingMaddox (12:37:11 PM): maaaaaaaaaybe

PlsCall4Help (12:37:19 PM): ru near a phone?

KingMaddox (12:37:26 PM): who this

PlsCall4Help (12:37:36 PM): Suri

PlsCall4Help (12:37:40 PM): Suri Cruise, Katie Holmes' daughter

KingMaddox (12:39:12 PM): STFU

KingMaddox (12:39:28 PM): no ways hahahhaha

PlsCall4Help (12:39:34 PM): I need u to call 911- tell them I am being held against my will. They feed me barley water in a bottle and I'm 4. My dad's crazy. Y mom's his beard. I can't go around looking cute anymore. This is serious. Code red.

KingMaddox (12:39:34 PM): hahhaha u so funny

KingMaddox (12:39:37 PM): my mom and dad are super famous too and I'm a big deal

PlsCall4Help (12:39:37 PM): this isn't a joke

PlsCall4Help (12:39:40 PM): I need 2 leave b4 they put me on a show or in amovie

KingMaddox (12:40:22 PM): I have a loooot of $ and siblings. My mom's hot

KingMaddox (12:40:29 PM): she's not rly mom mom tho

KingMaddox (12:40:39 PM): so I can totally hit it

PlsCall4Help (12:41:04 PM): ew

PlsCall4Help (12:41:07 PM): seriously?

PlsCall4Help (12:41:10 PM): what the hell is wrong w/you people? I need u to find me someone who has an IM address who can help

KingMaddox (12:41:16 PM): sure I'll switcvh u over to daddy Brad

KingMaddox (12:41:22 PM): he can help

PlsCall4Help (12:41:25 PM): really? Oh thank you!

KingMaddox (12:41:27 PM): ya he saved New Orleans

PlsCall4Help (12:41:31 PM): really?

KingMaddox (12:41:45 PM): totes

PlsCall4Help (12:41:52 PM): ok yes, I'd love to speak with him

KingMaddox (12:41:53 PM): ohh he's too bizee sorry

PlsCall4Help (12:42:02 PM): come on

KingMaddox (12:42:04 PM): he's trying to raise my 452,375,385 other siblings

KingMaddox (12:42:13 PM): takes time, u kno

PlsCall4Help (12:42:20 PM): forget it I'm doomed

KingMaddox (12:42:28 PM): oh it's not so bad. I steal my dad's smokes and drink brandy u should try it

PlsCall4Help (12:42:55 PM): they're back I have 2 go

KingMaddox (12:52:13 PM): oh kidding I'll help u

KingMaddox (12:52:22 PM): not ahhahahhahahahhahha

Taste This

Since we're all so busy over here, we just had an all office taste test- instant Starbucks vs. Regular. You know, at my last job, we did this with vodka.

A Caveman Could Do It

You couldn't make this up, although I sometimes wish I could.

These men were arrested for building a "man cave" on company time. I, uh... yeah. Turns out they've seen one too many TMC repeats of "Dead Poets Society" and wanted to spend the rest of their days beating drums, reading poetry while doing coke off each others man chests and referring to each other as Llwanda.

In other news, I was mistaken for a hostess at a restaurant last night just because I was kind enough to let a woman pass- then she started barking orders at me:

Woman Who Mistook Me For A Hostess Last Night At Cowgirl Hall of Fame

Thursday, October 22, 2009

My Friend

If you haven't read this instillation in the New York Times yet, you should. It's about the NY Times reporter who was captured by the Taliban and held 7 months until he ESCAPED. His new wife was actually working with a friend of mine at Cosmo when this happened and so my friend was asked to take over her senior editorial post until the wife could resume her duties. But the CIA instructed my friend not to tell anyone- if word got out, the terrorists could use the media to their advantage, so she was just one of a handful of people who knew.

My friend is also a terrible liar. So every time she was asked about her new job, her face would flush and she'd mumble, so we thought she just got a promotion and was being modest. Meanwhile she had the corner office at Cosmo and was directing photo shoots with Ed Westwick. It made no sense.

Finally it came out, he escaped, and she spilled the beans. You really should read this incredible story.

Let's Go Yankees

OK, so I'm a Yankees fan. It's not a confession, it's a fact. I was born and raised in the Bronx so have no choice. I mean I do, but not really. When I was 16 and wore baggy jeans, tight tank tops, hoop earrings and red lipstick, that was also a choice, albeit not a good one. But being a Yankees fan is forever.

Now I don't normally crow about my team for several reasons. A., it's just a game. B., I know they have a lot of money and can afford great players. And C., I'm not one to get all up in someone's face, even jokingly, about a team. I once saw a guy on the train flip a Red Sox cap off a woman's face, and yell at her. Ugh...

But what really annoys me are those Mets fans that take it all seriously. Really?

Listen, I grew up watching the Mets, too. They're cute. They're the underdog, and nothing beat that Fall night in '86 when they took the World Series against the Red Sox. I'll never forget all the songs on the radio station z100, "We got the right jocks... to beat the Red Sox, Let's Go... Let's Go Mets!" I've been to Shea a ton of times. And if you're from Queens, I totally understand the appeal.

But the thing is, all the die hard "Mets Fans" I know aren't even from New York. Posers. It's the equivalent of moving to New York, setting up shop on Lorimer Street in Williamsburg and calling yourself a true New Yorker.

I have Mets fans friends who are totally cool, and get the "joke rivalry", but when you see people in New York actually hoping for failure for New York in the series, then just go home and have a session with the Shake Weight (see below).

A friend of mine told me he was at a bar that was a "Mets Bar" and the Yanks playoff game was on and everyone was booing at the Yanks. Really? $10 all those fools were NY transplants.

So the moral of the story is this- I am a Yanks fan, but support the Mets when they need it. It's just the right thing to do. And if you disagree with me I f@#king hate you.

The Shake Weight

I don't get the big deal with this weight, I mean it looks like those guys are really enjoying their work out. I'm happy they found a great way to really isolate those muscles. It's as if the weight is its own appendage.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Oh Dear

Not that I need it, because my talents never cease to amaze me, but can someone please buy me this crazy sex toy? I want to control my roll, son.

Cancer Blows

Well I don't mean to s@#t in anyone's Wheaties, and I'm just coming down off the high of hanging out with Barack Obama last night, but my friend who is sick just got sicker, on this, the week we were hoping for news of official remission. He will get more treatments and get that darn cancer, but being sick and fighting for so long must be exhausting, so everyone think good thoughts.

Oh, actually, you also can help! We're throwing an awesome fundraiser next week and need some prizes donated. Even if you don't live here but have something cool to donate, let me know and hopefully you can mail it to me by next week. If you are in New York, come by- it's going to be a lot of fun.

Oh, Squirrels

So there I am, reading Us Weekly like a good American, when I found an article about Tom Cruise and some big event for that alien religion of his. Apparently, speaking about protesters outside he said, "'They're squirrels,' Cruise said angrily, according to a witness. 'Stuck in an electronic incident. It makes me so angry!'"

Yeah, me too! Wait... huh? I'd be mad if I knew what the heck that meant. Luckily I found this, a translation tool on Gawker:

"Being stuck on an 'incident' means that something in this life, or more likely a past life is holding you back. Not only something that happened to you, but most likely something wrong you did. A common Scientologists find is in a past life they were a Nazi. An 'electronic incident' may refer to some form of brain washing implemented in a past life, likely by a psychiatrist and or alien...A 'squirrel' is a derogatory term for anyone who perverts Scientology text or doctrine."

Now that is not fair! Squirrels are adorable and I don't want to hear the words "squirrel" and "Nazi" in the same sentence. Aw, who am I kidding. Squirrels are total assholes and I'm sure they'd try to run the world if they had a chance.

This is what you get when you Google image search "Squirrel, electronic incident".

Jon & Angie + 1

EdHardyBoy34 (12:36:53 PM): wait a minnn

AngAndBradPlus6 (12:36:56 PM): who's this

AngAndBradPlus6 (12:36:59 PM): hello

EdHardyBoy34 (12:37:11 PM): jon gosselin

AngAndBradPlus6 (12:37:19 PM): who

EdHardyBoy34 (12:37:26 PM): fm Jon and kate & 8

AngAndBradPlus6 (12:37:36 PM): ???

AngAndBradPlus6 (12:37:40 PM): that a company?

EdHardyBoy34 (12:39:12 PM): no a show

EdHardyBoy34 (12:39:28 PM): on TLC

AngAndBradPlus6 (12:39:34 PM): huh

EdHardyBoy34 (12:39:34 PM): we have 8 kids

EdHardyBoy34 (12:39:37 PM): so it's a reality show

AngAndBradPlus6 (12:39:37 PM): oh!

AngAndBradPlus6 (12:39:40 PM): u the octomom?

EdHardyBoy34 (12:40:22 PM): NO1!

EdHardyBoy34 (12:40:29 PM): I'm more like an OctoDAD

EdHardyBoy34 (12:40:39 PM): hahahhaha

AngAndBradPlus6 (12:41:04 PM): hahahha

AngAndBradPlus6 (12:41:07 PM): LOLOLZ

EdHardyBoy34 (12:41:16 PM): ur Angelina Jolie, right?

EdHardyBoy34 (12:41:22 PM): yr handle sez u have 6 kids

AngAndBradPlus6 (12:41:25 PM): yes

EdHardyBoy34 (12:41:27 PM): hahah

AngAndBradPlus6 (12:41:31 PM): hahah

AngAndBradPlus6 (12:41:41 PM): JUST 6 not 8 thatz a lot LOLZ

EdHardyBoy34 (12:41:45 PM): thanks

AngAndBradPlus6 (12:41:52 PM): I want more kids but Brad sez no :(

EdHardyBoy34 (12:41:53 PM): aw

AngAndBradPlus6 (12:42:02 PM): yeah im pissed

EdHardyBoy34 (12:42:04 PM): u want one of mine?

EdHardyBoy34 (12:42:13 PM): hahahhahah

AngAndBradPlus6 (12:42:20 PM): srlsly?

EdHardyBoy34 (12:42:28 PM): hahah no

EdHardyBoy34 (12:42:45 PM): but we do have that little runty one with gl;asses

AngAndBradPlus6 (12:42:55 PM): I'll take him

EdHardyBoy34 (12:52:13 PM): no, kidding!

AngAndBradPlus6 (12:53:18 PM): I'M NOT GIVE ME YOUR F#$KING CHILD

AngAndBradPlus6 (12:53:33 PM): u asshole now

AngAndBradPlus6 (12:53:37 PM): I'll give you $624,784,274,927.00

EdHardyBoy34 (12:53:45 PM): Really?

AngAndBradPlus6 (12:54:02 PM): dead serious- be over in 10 and don't tell Brad

EdHardyBoy34 (12:55:56 PM): k

Tuesday, October 20, 2009


Here's my favorite gay husband talking about religion and homosexuality. Not only does he write the incredible column, Savage Love, but he also totally loves me:


Yeah I entered this contest, what of it?

You can't tell me the narrative value isn't worth it. And you know I'll find a friend to take my place when the day comes because frankly, I can't handle all that glitter, nor do I look like this. Yes, that is Glambert making sexy times with a naked lady. It's for the cover of, "Never Will This Happen In Real Life Quarterly":

Barack and Roll

It's on, people. I'm seeing none other than the man himself, Mr. Barack Obama tonight at the Hammerstein Ballroom here in NYC. He's totally gonna BaROCK out! I hope he plays all of his greatest hits. They include:

Yes, We Can... Make Love
Make No Mistake
Look (in my eyes)
Health Care Reform Shuffle
Let Me Be Clear, My Baby
The Refinance Dance (party in your pants!)
If You Like Your Doctor or Health Care Provider, You Can Keep Them, Baby

Monday, October 19, 2009

Big Hugs!

Oh no. This company makes vulva necklaces and uterus pillows. Don't click on the link unless you want to be mildly to moderately to severely grossed out. It's just that... they are a little too accurate and no one needs that.

In case you were wondering, this is what it looks like to hug your uterus, were it on the outside of your body and pink, oversized and fluffy.

Sign Of The Times

Well, it's official- the housing crunch has hit everywhere. Dolls are now vacating their houses faster than a hippie at a Dokken concert. It's quite tragic, really. The unfortunately named "Barbie's Dream House" is now a haven for mosquito infested pools and broken dreams. Where once Ken parked his Winnebago, today sits a junkyard of old convertibles on bricks and Zenith TV's from 1982. When will it end? There is even a homeless (this is true) American Girl Doll. At least Pokemon is going strong.

I saw this on my street today. Somewhere there is a miniature family weeping. That, or a child too old for toys that represent stability and family values.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Just An Aside

I will not I repeat NOT pay $3.99 for a f@#king avocado, Manhattan.

Now, A Very Special Episode

Hey guys, it's me again and today I'm gonna get all political on you, and this time it's not gonna involve fake IM's between Sarah Palin and Rush Limbaugh. My friends and I made this video for a national competition that asked everyone to submit a 30 second health care reform ad. This is my friend Jonah whom a lot of you have followed on his blog, Groinstrong. It's his true story and I'm glad he felt ok doing this because more people need to understand just how important health care reform is. Please share this on every Twitter, Facebook and MySpace page you have access to. OK, I'm done being all soap boxy. Who wants to talk about boobies?

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Read This

Well I WAS going to buy this but thankfully I read the label. Who knows what would have happened if I accidentally ate a product that specifically states is only for men. I might have sprouted wiry scruff on my face and my ovaries would have dropped into testicles. Thank gosh that's all been avoided.

IM Ing

Falafelover (10:18:26 AM): hi

Falafelover (10:18:28 AM): that u Lindsay?

Falafelover (10:18:55 AM): I remember I think this is u!

LLohan23 (10:18:59 AM): Who's this?

Falafelover (10:19:11 AM): oh don't toy

LLohan23 (10:19:19 AM): I don't know eho you are

Falafelover (10:19:20 AM): need s reminder?

LLohan23 (10:19:24 AM): maybe

Falafelover (10:19:25 AM): hahhah

Falafelover (10:19:30 AM): ur a wildcat

Falafelover (10:19:36 AM): reow!

LLohan23 (10:19:36 AM): oh, I remember. Hi Bill O'Reilly

Falafelover (10:19:39 AM): the one and only!

Falafelover (10:19:46 AM): hahah

LLohan23 (10:19:54 AM): whatsup

Falafelover (10:19:58 AM): why you not returning my calls to be on my show

LLohan23 (10:20:01 AM): because all you want to do is talk about my breasts

Falafelover (10:20:08 AM): that's not true

Falafelover (10:20:21 AM): Olbermann tell u that?

Falafelover (10:20:36 AM): he's such a dick

Falafelover (10:20:40 AM): guuuuuuuh

Falafelover (10:20:47 AM): worold class moran

LLohan23 (10:24:08 AM): haha

LLohan23 (10:24:09 AM): ya I'm busy

LLohan23 (10:24:27 AM): lotsa projects

LLohan23 (10:24:29 AM): u kno

Falafelover (10:25:17 AM): like what, snorting some lines of weed?

Falafelover (10:25:31 AM): hahahhaha

LLohan23 (10:28:57 AM): stop

LLohan23 (10:29:02 AM): u kno I'm on the wagon now

Falafelover (10:29:14 AM): so how can I convince u to be on my show

LLohan23 (10:29:59 AM): ok stop hitting on me

LLohan23 (10:30:18 AM): kinda gross

LLohan23 (10:30:35 AM): I mean I could be yr daughter

Falafelover (10:30:54 AM): hahhahahha ok I'll stop

LLohan23 (10:31:03 AM): but serialously im super busy

Falafelover (10:31:07 AM): oh please? I want to ask u about Barackl Obama's nobel prize

LLohan23 (10:33:05 AM): who

Falafelover (10:33:18 AM): the pres

Falafelover (10:33:21 AM): of the US

Falafelover (10:33:28 AM): of America

LLohan23 (10:33:32 AM): oh him- what'd he do

LLohan23 (1:46:49 PM): with the nobel???

Falafelover (1:46:59 PM): stole it out of the hands of an old lady who was on line to go see a death panel

LLohan23 (1:47:01 PM): oh man

Falafelover (1:47:15 PM): shameless

LLohan23 (1:47:21 PM): I'm still too busy to be on yr show

Falafelover (1:47:21 PM): what if I offer u some oxycontin

LLohan23 (1:47:29 PM): I'm in rehab

Falafelover (1:47:30 PM): no seriously Rush has a great connection

LLohan23 (1:47:30 PM): no thx

Falafelover (1:47:41 PM): aw

LLohan23 (1:47:46 PM): sorry I'll call u l8r tho maybe we can skype it in

Falafelover (1:47:47 PM): ok

No Way

In Things I Didn't Need To Know news, Secretary of the Treasury Timothy Geithner is hot. That's what my boss says. She met him yesterday and called me this morning to totally talk about how hot he was. Serious. And then she topped it off like a giddy schoolgirl with a Ben Bernanke sighting. She referred to it as a nerd rockstar night. For me, that's just a regular evening with me and Garage Band. But I kid. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to try to get this face out of my brain.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

My Ceiling

So at the wee hours of the morning Mr. Fix It dropped by to look at my ceiling. Diagnosis? "Yeah, that's leaking." Yeah, I know. Ah. Well anyway, I'm getting a whole new wall/ceiling area and hopefully that will be it.

Have you guys been watching Jessecam? He's moved like, 5 times. It's awesome!

Jessecam 2, and Baby Too

So my friend had her baby early early this morning! Yay! And in other news, Jessecam is up today. It was fine in my apt but it was dark on my computer at work, so I'm not sure if you can see him. If you look closely you can see the white stripe on his head on the couch.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

I'm Not Raising The Roof

OK this conversation just happened:

Guy Who Will Eventually Ruin My Apartment: Hi, I work for your landlord. You said there's water still leaking from your ceiling?

Me: Yes, and it's in the wall too and the paint is peeling and black mold is growing rapidly.

GWWERMA: That's not possible. We fixed the roof.

Me: Yeah, well something's leaking.

GWWERMA: The 4th floor says there's no more water.

Me: Yeah... I uh, really don't know what to say but there's water leaking from my ceiling.

GWWERMA: But we fixed the roof.

Me: (rubbing eyes) Ah, yyyeah, so you tell me, ok? Either way I also need the wall rebuilt. I can show you the bucket filled with brown water that is under the crack on the ceiling from where water is and is now currently dripping.

GWWERMA: I don't understand where the water's coming from. The roof's fixed. It's a new roof.

Me: Seriously? Ok, maybe my apartment has stigmata.

GWWERMA: I mean, a whole new roof...


GWWERMA: I mean, I'll look at it but I don't know why you say there's water when we put on a new roof.

Me: Oy.

National Holiday

Today is bad poetry day you guys! In honor of bad poetry, I'm going to share with you a poem I just wrote right now!

The buildings are tall
The people are small
New York
In the city I see
Other stuff

My friend is in
Labor today
With a baby
Why is it called labor
When the doctor is working?
She will have a baby friend
A brand new
Baby friend
It may come out of her stomach
If she gets a C-Section or
Her vagina
I hope it
Goes well


Babies are
New life
New life
Is what makes the buildings move
While they are tall
The people who built them
Are small

Monday, October 12, 2009

My Eye

Kids love me, I know that. I'm just great with them. But there is such a thing as too much love. I found that out the hard way yesterday in that Ike and Tina fashion when I went to say goodbye to my cousin's 3 year old son at a party. I asked for a hug. He was sad that I was leaving so said no. So I gave him a little noogie, and he loved it and starts laughing and flailing around in the way young boys do. In the flail, he slammed his tiny elbow into my eye. No really, I deserved it; I had been making wife beating jokes earlier. I thought I'd have a black eye today but luckily I don't. I really don't know how I'd explain that one away.

Friday, October 09, 2009

I Just

What do you think the message here is?

Stupid Moon

What do you say to the moon today?

Nothing that bitch already hasn't heard twice. Yeah, that's right, we socked that moon something fierce this morning, in NASA's attempt to find relevance water or something. I watched it live this morning or rather, shall I say, I watched Joe Scarborough say, "I didn't see anything," while footage of the moon was on the TV. NASA says it has pictures but they're taking a while to photoshop upload. Please, NASA, even I have the capability of taking a picture of my tits dog to send to some lucky person almost instantly and I'm barely as tech savvy as a crew whose only job is to do advanced things.

Please. Moon had it coming. I mean, it was clumsy and fell into a wall... yeah, that's right.

Thursday, October 08, 2009


Thanks to a witty, joke filled conversation about tattoos with my boss, I somehow have my notary stamp on my lower abdomen.

I Like Tagalongs

One in Three

It's a fact. One in three Senators is in favor of rape.

This story came out recently- this is from ThinkProgress (I stole this link from my friend's awesome blog):

"In 2005, Jamie Leigh Jones was gang-raped by her co-workers while she was working for Halliburton/KBR in Baghdad. She was detained in a shipping container for at least 24 hours without food, water, or a bed, and “warned her that if she left Iraq for medical treatment, she’d be out of a job.” (Jones was not an isolated case.) Jones was prevented from bringing charges in court against KBR because her employment contract stipulated that sexual assault allegations would only be heard in private arbitration.

Sen. Al Franken (D-MN) proposed an amendment to the 2010 Defense Appropriations bill that would withhold defense contracts from companies like KBR “if they restrict their employees from taking workplace sexual assault, battery and discrimination cases to court."

His amendment passed by a 68-30 vote...

See? I mean, it's not possible they're voting against it because they just want to vote against anything democrats propose. That would be ridiculous, right?

It's so nice to know that we still have some old school misogynists around to set us straight. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a death panel to sit on.

Don't Take The Iced Tea

Holler! Any chance I can get to refer to Chris Hansen I take and today is no exception. Here is some awesome mash-up right here between my boyfriend from To Catch A Predator and his confrontation of Roman Polanksi.

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

Babe Watch

Oh this is FANTASTIC!!! I always knew I liked Nicole Eggert.

Pay Up

So we're 6 days late in paying our rent and we got this nasty email from some lady at the building office. I'm like, seriously? The accountant guy told me the building is 45% unoccupied and they're freaking out. So don't you think they should be nice to the tenants? BTW, the rent here per month is just about what I make a YEAR (not counting bonus).

I put this on the door to amuse the accountant guy.

No More Wire Hangers, Please

I have this awesome dress I bought recently from H&M and it cost like, $34. My boss LOVED it and wanted one so I got it for her, but it was the wrong size so I finally was able to get her the size she wanted today. Sometime this week we're both going to wear it on the same day. How fun is that?

And on a completely different note, here's an interesting story about a girl, her mom, a big box, a car, and a coathanger.

Tuesday, October 06, 2009

Jon & Daddy Issues

Now I'm no fan of Nancy Grace but I love a good televised castration and no one deserves it better than the King of all Douche, Jon Gosselin. Only watch this if you have the ability to shake your wrist and mouth, "Daaaaaamn" all slow. Now you know I'm all team Kate- I'm even currently filming a spoof on the show right now but even I feel a teeny bit bad for this guy (not really). You been Graced!

Piddle Patter

Excuse me, my dog and I need to take a trip.

Monday, October 05, 2009

Be-Friend, De-Friend

I ended up having a very curious conversation with a gentleman in his 50's at this party last week. I didn't know him at all until that night, but he is friends with a co-worker. And it was right there, after 2 glasses of champagne, he spilled his guts about these friends who are fighting, and there was an affair, and lies, and it all came down over FACEBOOK.

I mean, what?

It just goes to show you that everyone and I mean everyone has a little bit of the crazy bitchy 13 year old girl in them.

Here's what I do- I love Facebook for networking, especially as an actor. I've gotten a lot of great connections and in some cases, auditions. Plus I love the games, and my witty friends always leave fun comments.

Then there are those people who use it for evil, not good. I have a few friends who post stupid or even mean stuff but it turns out you can turn people off your live feed and they'll never know. It's like defriending but without all the drama. I mean, I tune myself out all the time when someone annoys the f@#k out of me. I'm actually one of the most tolerant people you'll ever meet- 8 years of bartending and no major casualties and you won't BELIEVE how much headwrecking I'd have to deal with.

But I guess it was interesting to see that no matter what age, sex or economic status you have, everybody is on the goddamn Facebook.

Nobody Puts Tempy In A Corner

I don't know when the last time you saw Dirty Dancing was but I have a story to tell you.

This Saturday the men were at a poker night so my friend (who happens to live upstairs) and I decided to hold a little ladies night in our building. So her, myself and another lady met up for a Dirty Dancing/Pump Up The Volume double feature.

Now, I don't know the last time you all saw this movie, but let's just say it's been a while since I've enjoyed this masterpiece and this might be the first time I've watched it with with a bunch of girls and some booze. I'm not counting the time my mother rented it for my 12th birthday sleepover which in hindsight is maybe a little inappropriate but now we know why I'm such a nympho. Anyway, let me just say I noticed some things for the first time.

1. Jennifer Grey's Baby is perhaps one of my favorite film heroines of all time
2. The whole "I'll learn the Mambo so you can get an abortion" plotline is highly implausible
3. Patrick Swayze wears matador style high heels the ENTIRE FILM
4. No, seriously, learning the mambo so she can get an abortion?
5. This movie is HOT

It got so steamy there were a few minutes where you could barely even hear a pin drop until my friend broke the silence, "I think my face is flushed" to which someone (maybe me) said, "Why the hell did we send the men away?"

If you get a chance, watch it again. Preferably in the company of a romantic partner. We had to watch Zoolander to cool off. You carry that watermelon, Baby. RIP Patrick Swayze, seriously, great film.

Trivia and Other Stuff

I got into work this morning to find that my computer may or may not have finally crashed from all that porn I've been downloading on the sly, so since Firefox didn't work (I love Firefox, btw- especially the new version), I was urged to try Google Chrome, so I did. Wow. I feel like everything Google touches turns to gold or in this case chrome, but let me just say it's pretty awesome.

That being said, I need your help today. My boss is having another one of those "brainstorming" sessions with a bunch of rich people tonight and she needs my assistance. I told her I'd happily take any extra money that's been burdening them. That's not what she wants- instead she'd like me to write another quiz for the team trivia tonight. The theme? Wall Street. If you have any ideas, please give me your suggestions in the comments section, thanks.

Friday, October 02, 2009

No Way

You guys, THIS is coming free with my next Staples order. Who wants to go camping?

Thursday, October 01, 2009

Jon & Kate Plus Spelling

Can YOU find the things wrong with this picture?

Floral Facts

I've been saying this for years and I tell all my male friends this- buy women flowers. Women love flowers. Now, there's an article about it because I'm always right.

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