A day by day and often hourly account of a temp

Friday, April 30, 2010

Kinda Busy

This is the most amazing thing I have ever seen because I don't get out much. No, kidding, it's actually really amazing. It's some soldiers' in Afghanistan re-make of Lady Gaga's "Telephone" video and even if you haven't seen the original, is not necessary when viewing this masterpiece. The production value alone is awesome.:

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Werther's Original

Please tell me this can't be true. It's the (touching?) story of a grandmother and her biological grandson falling in love. With, like, each other:

From the first moment that I saw him, I knew we would never have a grandmother-grandson relationship,' Pearl remembers happily. 'For the first time in years I felt sexually alive.'

Phil admits that he had the same feelings towards Pearl.

'I wanted to kiss her there and then,' he says. 'My feelings were overwhelming.'

And to think, I was eating.

Guess Who

Going through a personal crisis?

Husband cheating on you... again?

Did that sex tape (re) surface?

Well fear not, ladies and gentlemen, for now you too can have what the stars do when they need to restore their tarnished image. Yes, it's a COOL SURPRISE SECRET BABY! With the Cool Surprise Secret Baby you can fight off any unwanted attention from that messy divorce or public drug battle. Just wait until the right time to bring out the Cool Surprise Secret Baby and all the attention will be guaranteed to be on it and the collected admiration towards your stance on adoption! Celebrities like Sandra Bullock shouldn't be the only ones who can revamp their brand with a secret baby. Now you too can have a little life changer of your own!

(New Feature: Nazi Affiliation-Proof!)

Ok, ok all joking aside, I really love Sandra Bullock. She's a class act, super talented, and I think her work in Miss Congeniality should have won her an Oscar and I'm not kidding about that. And really, she threw us all for a loop yesterday. Who can keep a secret like that?!? Sandra Bullock, that's who.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Aw Man

I had a new dress, but I had to return it because this b@#ch bought the same one!

Tempy Is A Punk Rocker (Not Really)

So as some of you know, I am singing on this guy's album that's coming out in a few weeks. If you buy one I get like, a penny, maybe - it's really exciting. The music is an electronica, pop, shoegaze, atmospheric, ambient, industrial, techno, organic, new wave kind of thing . Honestly, this album is like a Pet Shop Boy in a Depeche Mode shirt at the Galleria on his way to a Helmet concert circa 1989. If you're curious, here are some songs. The ones that are up so far that I'm on are Unreal Highs and Out of Sequence. There is no reason to listen to any others (kidding).

Ok, honestly the only reason I'm on this album is because the guy who is behind this project made me promise to be a PR whore when it came out if he let me sing on it. It's a lot better than being an actual whore, trust me.

Meta Thoughts

After you've already stopped what you're doing to watch that Hills thing, stop again and take a look at this picture of cheese. I saw this on a catering site while I was paying bills for my boss and had to copy it. I mean, wow. Question- what do you say to a piece of cheese when you're photographing it to make it smile? Think about that.


Alright, everyone stop what you're doing an watch this. It's The Hills, as re-enacted by children. If you're wondering why that one girl keeps looking up, it's because she's doing a dead on impersonation of a girl known to us in the blogosphere as Ceiling Eyes.

Getchya Teeth Out

Hey guyyyyys...... didya miss me? YES? I was out yesterday because my poor sad dog had 3 teeth removed. He spent all night sleeping on the couch next to me while I got in a text message argument that I figured out pretty quickly I'd lose but felt I should win anyway on principle. I was supposed to go out to a benefit for a guy who is missing teeth (no joke) but if you saw the shape my dog was in you'd cancel too. I mean, seriously.

The sad news, besides the fact that he doesn't want to take his pain pills (you cannot go around snubbing your nose at the sweet nectar, Jesse) is that his breathing thing probably cannot be fixed and he may die a horrible death by choking. Let's just all hope that doesn't happen. Other than that I had a great day yesterday and I'm (not) super excited to be back at work.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Dinner Times

I was just asked to make a reservation for a restaurant in Spain. My Spanish is okay but I'm out the door in 15 minutes and I just don't feel like dealing with it, so I made it online. Here is my confirm message:

"Your information has been sent successfully. Shortly we will put in touch with you to confirm your reservation."

I hope they put in touch with me.

Excellent Book

Someone lent me the hipster of all "If You're Anyone You've Read..." books of the last few years- Motherless Brooklyn. It's cool because it takes place in the neighborhood I'm in now so the author is very specific about places I've been and seen, and neighborhood history. I didn't think I'd like it but it's actually so good I'm almost 100 pages in since just yesterday. Who knew.

I like getting lent good books. The last few that were recommended to me were okay, but I guess I just didn't get the symbolism.

Friday, April 23, 2010

The Tooth

For those of you who were asking about Jesse, he's doing great. He needs the tooth removed, but the swelling needs to go down before the vet does the operation so for the next few days he's on painkillers and antibiotics. And he's as high as a kite. It's fun in the house but walking him is an ordeal. It's more like a drag than a walk. He's already addicted to the non-addictive doggie Tramadol. When I get home he gets the crazy in his eyes like, "I need my hit, you KNOW I need my hit," all scratching and twitching. I'm kidding, it's nothing like that. No, it's exactly like that:

Thursday, April 22, 2010

My Dog Broke

I don't know how you like to spend your mornings but I'll tell you, when I'm not at Boot Camp, I like to haul my dog up the street to the emergency vet first thing. See, last night, I noticed that a lump on his face that was getting bigger by the hour. Upon further inspection, it became clear that was probably an infected tooth. This is him last night- notice the big ball on his right cheek.

So I didn't panic, but this morning I woke up and it had doubled in size and he was in a LOT of pain. It's hard to capture a good picture but here he is at the vet:

Top view:

They told me not to panic but to get him to his real vet either today or tomorrow so they could drain my wallet the abscess or maybe remove his tooth. Then they gave him some antibiotics and a huge shot of morphine. The walk home was like dragging your drunk friend out of a bar. Impossible. Here he is all drugged up on my couch.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

The Catwalk

At Boot Camp the other day, we were working out in this big park when some guy walks onto the other side of the field, and on his shoulder is a cat. At first, from afar, it looked like he was walking his cat. Like, on a leash. Then upon further inspection, it turns out he was exercising his cat.

Wait... what?

Let me explain. He would take his cat on one side of the park (no leash) and set it down. The cat would then run clear across the park and stop when it hit the wall. The guy would run after the cat, pick it up, then walk back to the starting point and do it again. I can't really remember any of the workouts we did as it was fascinating. This went on for like, 15 minutes.

No, it wasn't one of these boys.

New Yawkah

Oh my gawd- for those of you that don't know, I have recorded some songs for my friend's electronica-pop album and from what I heard they're pretty darn good. The masters are slowly getting done and he's posting each song as they are ready before the album officially comes out, or as the kids say, "drop".

Now, I've heard the songs before, but with a closer listen I realized that because he's from New Jersey and I'm from New York proper, you can totally hear our accents on some words like "can't" and "again" even though we're singing. It's the kind of thing that most people won't pick up, but I will. I mean, I spent years trying to get rid of the accent and I have succeed somewhat, but I'm finding as I get older I don't care anymore and it comes out. Especially when I'm drinking. Which is at least 23 hours out of the day.

But all kidding aside, it reminds me of the time I saw the tape of my 6th grade play years later and my line was, "This is Norway", but instead it came out, "This is Naw-weigh". Truth. If you haven't had enough, this is a fascinating read.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Free Bagels?!?

As a non Jew-Jew (I'll explain some other time) I know a bit about the Jewish faith and I can fairly say it's the same thing I would say about any religion: there's a lot of wacky stuff in there. From the Sabbath rules to the Kosher thing, it's hard to keep it all straight. But there's also a lot of great things about Judaism and its tenets too. Like the food, for example. But now I'm seeing all these ads on the subway trying to get people to learn more about the faith, and all they say is, "Judaism... more than just a bagel!"

I don't know who their PR guy is (you'd think it'd be God), but they have it all wrong. If they really want to pique people's interests they should be like, "Judaism. We have bagels!" That's a religion I can subscribe to. Or at least I'd go to the seminar if they had free bagels.

Monday, April 19, 2010

I'm Friends With Laundry Soap

I can't believe I'm Facebook friends with Tide. Yes, as in the detergent. I really like their stain removing "Tide Pen". As a result, I get cute little status updates about laundry tips and new fragrances. I really hope Tide doesn't take this Facebook thing too seriously and go off the deep end. You know, like those people who do those cryptic status updates like, "Nowhere left to go but up" or "Clarity." It's like, ok, I get it- you're all sorts of complicated. Who knows- the next time I check up on Tide, this may happen.

Friday, April 16, 2010

The Burpees

I apologize for not blizogging yesterday, it was tax day, and there was a going-away party and a birthday party and an anniversary and since I am the de-facto Social Secretary of this gin joint, I had a lot going on.

But I FINALLY got to take my bike to fitness boot camp this morning and boy oh boy, it was terrifying fun. Granted, I haven't biked in a very long time, but I did alright. And then I did these. This is courtesy of the real Captain Quinn of the boot camp to which I belong:

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

The Dumbest, You Guys

In Touch Weekly has their finger on the pulse of all things important, and lately their reporting has been spot-on accurate, if you consider that they were the ones who broke the Sandra Bullock story. So you can imagine my surprised admiration to find that they actually have found... the "Dumbest Disguise Ever".

Like I said, months, even weeks ago, I'd be in a position to question their claim, but now that they've got that much more street cred, I have to be inclined to agree with them. I mean, I personally don't think it's that dumb, but what do I know? I'm not out in famous people's back lawns going through their trash. The only camera I have is an iPhone. And I do not excel at making celeb couple mash-up names like Brangelina and and TomKat. And really, I don't care that much.

But fear not, dear readers, for your sake I have googled "dumbest disguise ever" and came up with a few that may give Charlie Sheen a run for his chameleon money.

Last Night

So last night I went to that fundraiser and I wore my spanking new dress. I almost had a wardrobe malfunction when the bra I thought worked with it didn't, but I held those babies up with packing tape. I wish I was joking but I'm not, and no one knew. Well, except for the 10 people I told.

The thing was fun, and Katie Couric, who was the guest of honor, was really awesome. She's so gosh darn cute. And I was seated directly in front of Miss USA which was great to know when they announced her and she stood up, as it answered the question in my head, "Who that dumb bitch?"

But the best part of the night was Sir Alec Baldwin. I know he hasn't been knighted... yet.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Wino Bag

And this is what I want next year for my birthday:

Snack Thoughts

Oh, thank god you guys. Because I was just thinking what my bowl of cheddar goldfish really needs is some basketball shaped goldfish.

In other news, as I was writing this I was rudely interrupted by one of those phone calls where it's a guy who wants to talk to my boss and is all, "I'm his friend," and when I screen it pass my boss he's all, "That guy is such an annoying prick," and so I have to take a message because my boss is "busy" and the guy gives me his name and then offers the Hebrew spelling as well, you know, because my keyboard has that option.


There's a great article today in AM or Metro or something about people who do disgusting things on subways. Needless to say, there are unlimited blogs about this. This one is good too- subwaydouchery.com. I think my bar is pretty low, though. Seat hogs and pole leaners are one thing, I don't really mind. But then there's the stuff not for the faint of heart. Like this gem for example.

Yes, he's clipping his toenails.

I even close the door to the bathroom lest I gross out my dog when I clip my own toenails, but maybe that's just me.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Wicked Pisser

Happy Monday! Spring is in the air, I'm wearing a dress, and this just happened. Yes, it's a casting call for a new Jersey Shore spinoff-like show called Massholes. Featuring, well, Massachusettes A##holes. Here is the actual casting call, I did not make this up:

"You come from all over - Gloucester, Worcester, South End, Charlestown, Chicopee and South Swansea. You share a love for muscle cahs, hair products and little necks on the frickin half shell. You don't take sh*t from nobody - least of all each othah. You are the hottest girls and proudly buff guys from Massa -freakin-chusettes who believe in God, Family, The Red Sox and partying!!

You ready to live togethah, laugh togethah, drink togethah and love togethah? You'll pahty on the beaches of the Cape where Roast Beef Hoagies and cases of Narragansett Light are on every Celtics towel next to a bottle of baby oil and a can of hair spray! Are you down for one wicked cool summah, and be a part of the most wicked reality show evah!

Doron Ofir Casting is looking for blue collar, hard working, harder partying, tough talking, damn good looking Mass natives from all over the state .... Yea we'll consider preps from Wellsley too if they got what it takes.

Get Ready for the the summer of your life on the show that will knock the sox off the Red Sox, blow canons from Lexington to Cornwall and make you wish you remembered where you pahked your frickin cah cause that clunker is in Jersey!"

Cut Ben Affleck banging the casting director's door down.

Friday, April 09, 2010

Well This Is Shocking

This is pretty horrible:

"George W. Bush 'knew Guantánamo prisoners were innocent'"

Am I the only one who is not surprised at all by this? It's great that we can get this all out now, now that it's been like, 8 years.


Why can I not stop watching this? This is a video of air traffic over a 24 hour period. It's pretty amazing.

Thursday, April 08, 2010


I found a ladybug in my salad and I'm sad. I'm sad because it was dead and I'm sad that it was there in the first place, so I was forced to put down the salad and go for the peppermint patty. So much for eating healthy.


Hey guys I have some crazy shocking news. I got cast as a lesbian in a film.

For those of you who know me, I have only been cast as a lesbian 653423574623 times before so you can imagine my surprise when I found out.

Speaking of lesbians, Hillary Swank is looking pretty butch lately:

Wednesday, April 07, 2010

Let's Ride

You guys, I just bought this folding bike! I realized more and more that I really needed a bike but have seen too many get stolen from the front of my building. Well, when you fold this bad boy I can easily stow it in my bedroom. Plus it was rather inexpensive. It's got 26'' wheels and 6 gears. My neighbors love to go bike riding and heck, I'm turning into a total exercise fruit cake so why not.

Change Of A Dress

Well, someone invited me to an event at Christie's next week and I quite literally have nothing to wear. This is one of those socialite things and my boss took pity on me because she bought a table for the benefit and asked me if I'd like to fill a leftover seat join her. The event is for another another co-worker's charity and this year they're honoring Katie Couric for Outstanding Braveness in On-Air Colonoscopies (they're not).

I'd like to go to H&M and just get a nice dress knock off, but I'm thinking maybe it's about time I just grow up and buy a real-person's dress, and wear it one night with the tags and return it like a regular grown-up.

In other news, this is my friend John doing stand-up a few years ago. His sister is in a show I'm doing this summer and I just love the both of them, so I'm trying to do my best to promote both their careers while shamelessly promoting mine.

Tuesday, April 06, 2010

Barack Obamacandy

Okay, I'm gonna geek out for a second but my boss got a gift basket from the White House Secret Service. In it there's White House approved box of M&M's "signed" by Barack Obama and she gave it to me. Yes, I opened it, because I'm sure these are a dime a dozen and the chocolate would go bad, okay? Plus, the chocolate wanted to go inside my mouth (not in my hand).

Hey Canada

So check this out- a girl I went to camp with found me on Facebook. It was strange because I went to camp in this foreign country called Canada. Who knew they had computers let alone Facebook, right? Whoo- I always thought they were off racing in their iditarods, skiing and drinking beer. Go figure! It was so weird that she remembered me and found me. She lives in Vancouver, which doesn't help me any now that the Olympics are done, but still, how cool?

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go look up "Canada" on a map.

(kidding - you all know I love you guys)

Monday, April 05, 2010

Back Here

Ok people, I'm back and going through work emails, which is another way of saying I'm putting off going through work emails. It's amazing how quickly I can remember how to procrastinate.

So my vacation was an absolute blast. I went topless on South Beach, ran into an old customer of mine who last I saw was wanted for murder (charges dropped- phew!), and the hotel we stayed at was overrun by French Hasidic Jews who were trying to observe their holidays in peace without scantily clad women like myself trotting about. I also had to push a lot of elevator buttons for them because in their religion on a holy day you can't use electronics, so I became a makeshift elevator man, sans tips. I'm like, the jig is up- you're riding in a machine that transports you up and down because of electricity. It's just gonna happen.

I am back, relaxed, and ready for this awesome week at work guys! (I'm not). But a lot's happened over the last few days that I don't know if you missed, so I'll be posting some pop culture updates soon.

BTW did you hear Ricky Martin was gay? Well, I owe a few people some money, I'll tell you that.

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