Is it 5 yet? No?
A day by day and often hourly account of a temp
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So you guys, it only took me like, 80,000,000 years but I am now officially out of credit card debt! I was about 12k in the hole as of a few years ago and for the last 5 I've been paying, consolidating, crunching, you name it. But now cc companies are so desperate to get ANYTHING I was able to even talk a few down to about half what I owe. Some are willing to forgo any finance charges just to get the base amount. Woo-hoo! I mean, I'm not rich- I currently have barely anything in savings. But at least I'm not in debt. Can you imagine if it was like it was way back when you had to go to debtors prison? The kicker is 95% of the country would be there.
So I will be hosting a show on January 7th with Groinstrong's girlfriend, and since it is a dance related show, I have decided to wear this:
In feel-good "pets saving humans" news, this article came out about a parrot that alerted a babysitter that the two year old in her care was choking on a pop-tart:
When Meagan rushed back in the room, she could see Hannah at the kitchen table, with her back to Willie, and her lips and face were turning blue. She had been eating a Pop Tart and was choking on a piece.
'And the second I got Hannah down off the chair and started doing the Heimlich, he stopped screaming,' Howard said. He knew it was going to be OK after that.'"All was well in the household after that, with even a Christmas present for Willie- a new safflower lick. Willie could later be heard mumbling that what he had meant to ask for for Christmas was actually the Tina Fey/Amy Poehler vehicle, Baby Momma, which he did not receive despite what he describes as repeated attempts to ask for it.
So... let's see...
So I was sent out on the impossible errand of buying something today in a store. Have you been to the stores, people? They're pretty packed. Anyway, I had to buy her 11 year old daughter some books from the creator of Gossip Girl which is really just kid smut porn. I told her,
You guys, it's almost my 2,000th post! I don't even know what to do with myself. I'll try to think of something witty and amazing to amaze you with my wit.
Yay holidays! Yesterday I tried to save a freezing stray puppy in my neighborhood and failed, I almost locked my neighbor's cat in the bathroom, I have no idea what to get my mother and my allergies are about to put me in the hospital again. Hooray! But all of the cards I got put me in the holiday spirit. How could this not?
This proves my theory that both cats and cat owners who tape they cats are just f@#king weird.
This article was sent to me recently- it's about the concept of bartender/patron loyalty, ethics, and the secret world of buybacks.
According to somebody on who posted this on Facebook, if you've seen more than 85 movies on this list of 236 you officially "Have No Life", whatever that means. I totally took the challenge ready to be all, whatever, just because I watch movies doesn't mean I don't have a life- I actually have a pretty awesome one. I am a creative, accomplished, humble woman with incredible bone structure and the most amazing friends anyone could ask for so SCREW YOU quiz!!!
Palin4PresNow (10:07:54 AM): Haaaaaaaaaaaay Jeez the Big Cheese!
Palin4PresNow (10:08:00 AM): hello
Palin4PresNow (10:08:02 AM): it's me Sarah P.
Jesus2956 (10:08:41 AM): Oh, hi
Jesus2956 (10:08:42 AM): saw the thing with the turkey
Palin4PresNow (10:08:47 AM): hahhahha classic, right? So funny LMAO!
Palin4PresNow (10:08:49 AM): so whats up with that door???
Palin4PresNow (10:08:54 AM): yer dad workin on it?
Jesus2956 (10:09:07 AM): door?
Jesus2956 (10:09:10 AM): oh right that door of opportunity you keep bitching about
Palin4PresNow (10:09:15 AM): what?
Palin4PresNow (10:09:22 AM): yer jokin right
Jesus2956 (10:09:34 AM): haha yes
Palin4PresNow (10:09:37 AM): so how's the door doin?
Jesus2956 (10:09:39 AM): Sarah, listen- in 2012 you can run like everyone else. No one gets special doors.
Palin4PresNow (10:09:40 AM): HAHHAHHA
Palin4PresNow (10:10:18 AM):
Jesus2956 (10:10:35 AM): ha
Jesus2956 (10:10:38 AM): yes, but I am not joking
Palin4PresNow (10:10:44 AM): I'll keep lookin' for it
Jesus2956 (10:11:06 AM): you do that
Palin4PresNow (10:11:20 AM): still looking!
Palin4PresNow (10:11:30 AM): It's been a whooooooole minute
Palin4PresNow (10:11:35 AM): is that the door?
Jesus2956 (10:11:36 AM): Sarah, please
Palin4PresNow (10:11:46 AM): hahha you keep puttin these doors in front of me
Palin4PresNow (10:11:48 AM): better not stop with those doors!
So as you know, 'tis the season for our company to receive gifts like champagne and wine and chocolates. But this one we just got is pretty weird. It's two huge boxes- not one, count 'em two huge boxes of flavored popcorn.
In order to increase the population in Arkansas, a woman has just given birth to her 18th child. Word is that the Duggar family would like to start their own WalMart and soon will have given birth to enough staff members to do so. The happy future greeters and customer care reps include Josh 20, twins Jana and John-David, 18, Jill 17, Jessa, 16, Jinger, 14, Joseph, 13, Josiah, 12, Joy-Anna, 11, twins Jedidiah and Jeremiah, 9, Jason, 8, James, 7, Justin, 6, Jackson, 4, Johannah, 3 and Jennifer, 1 and baby Jordyn. Word on the street is that once they have enough children to round out the J's, they will hold a raffle for any other 25 letters of the alphabet that have been available to them for the past 20 years.
Rut roh, looks like someone's too TIRED to speak memorized lines for two hours a night. Apparently Jeremy Piven quit his Broadway show, Speed The Plow, because his mercury levels are high, or as playwright David Mamet put it, "He is leaving show business to pursue a career as a thermometer."
Hmmm. We have the "office Christmas party" tonight which is totally gonna "blow" and I don't feel so good. Seriously, I just started feeling kind of ill. I guess we'll just wait it out.
Today I have to take out a RIDICULOUS amount of cash and I'm so not nervous at all about it. What's 5 figures to most people? Nothing, I'll tell you that.
Facebook Foul! There are so many of them. They include changing comment status's while intoxicated, mis-tagging photos and going on other people's pages to see who they just became friends with and then trying to friend that person's friend just to look popular.
OK, I give up.
Why, hi Mr. Sherry Lehman employee- I'm actually here because my boss, I mean, I need to get a nice bottle of wine as a gift for you see I am the person whose name is on the credit card my boss gave me today. Which means I'm her. Um. So... what do you have in a nice red for around $100? Oh, Clos des Papes Châteauneuf-du-Pape 2005, the best of Wine Spectator 2007? Sure, why not. Here's MY credit card. Oh, yes, the nice gift wrapping. Sure I'll wait to pick it up over there. Great. Have a great day.
By now most of you have received my holiday card. This is the first year I have done this because I figured, OK, I'm an adult and I have an animal to humiliate. So for those of you who did NOT receive one, here it is:
a. I am tired.
BOSSLADY: So I really need you to find this toy for my daughter's present. I mean, I promised and she really wants it.
I sent out an email, asking for people's preferences of food for the holiday party:
Question, when is Choco Pie?
Oh, I'm sorry, did I mention I'm seeing The Walkmen tomorrow? Yeah I'm pretty psyched- they're great live. Plus I kissed the lead singer's fiancee a couple of times. WHAT? WHO SAID THAT? (Don't get too excited- it was for a play.)
Here are the top search terms that people use when they find my blog:
Hey guys! I'm going to a concert tomorrow and I just don't know what to wear! So I found some suggestions from this website:
OK so I know actors can get catty but this is a story about how a prop knife was switched and an actor ended up really slitting his throat onstage. They think it was a jealous rival. Jeez! At least he wasn't as convincing as this actress:
Heineken just launched the Know the Signs campaign, an interactive flash game on their site where you can spot the 5 troublemakers at your typical bar: The Fighter, The Crier, The Sleeper, The Groper and The Exhibitionist. And I'm all, THAT'S SO FUNNY until I realized I can technically be qualified to be all five.
Remember that kid on the cover of Nirvana's album? The baby in the pool chasing the dollar bill? Well he's 17 now and apparently people just want to give him money.
Someone sent this along to me- it's a comprehensive site of all the governmental failures since 2000. As it was pointed out to me, we "are going to be able to tell our grandkids that we lived through the worst and very possibly one of the best presidencies in our nation's history all in the course of one 16 year period."
Joe "The Plumber" Wurzelbacher is now being quoted as saying that he was "appalled" and "felt dirty" after being on John McCain's campaign trail.
I keep going back and forth with the same person about the proper proportions for a hot toddy. I've always been a very visual drink maker i.e. I really can't follow a recipe and I'm pretty sure most people get confused when you start talking about ounces, jigger's and pony's. So I made a picture:
A Japanese man invented a fem-bot named Aiko who is allegedly "the perfect woman". She is "perfect" save for the fact that she can barely move, isn't yet sexually compatible and oh, that's right, isn't a human.
Hey guys! Raise your hands if you aren't a sight for sore eyes? Hm... one... two... hey ME TOO! I look like crap. I didn't shower this morning, barely woke up from my dream of being on a cruise ship (?) and only had beer for dinner and some left over cous cous for dessert when I got home, which was late. What did I do last night you ask? Well, I was asked by my sister to host a trivia game at a fundraiser for this charity she is on the board of to help needy kids or something, but I just did it for the free cab money home.
A recent study found that dogs experience jealousy, along with other minor complex human emotions.
Hey guys, remember Barbie's friend Share a Smile Becky? She was just like every other doll. She loved to get her hair done and play with Barbie and get new clothes. Oh, and she was in a wheelchair.
There's a great new book out called Holy Headshot! and it has some of the worst headshots ever. What a brilliant idea. I learned about it first from my actor-y type friends and we all agreed we should have thought of it sooner.
Questions I've answered for my co-workers in the last hour.
Well I thought it was difficult to make my own holiday cards. Try dealing with cards that have 4 kids on them. It seriously has taken me two hours to make the perfect holiday card and they aren't even my children. Chance are they will still blame me for things in therapy years later.
This is awesome. Thanks to this website, I have now felt my boobies like, 3,846 times today.
I could SWEAR the people in this picture from a CNN article was taken at the bar I used to work at from a few years ago. Anyone?
So I got a request for one of those Facebook virus things from a friend- apparently she had opened a link and it went through her entire computer and sent out a message to all her friends and I almost went on but I know better. Turns out it's called a Trojan worm. Guuuh- that sounds gross.
So I FINALLY got my holiday cards you guys! Yippee! They came out great- I've never sent holiday cards before but I'm really looking forward to doing it this year. One weird thing though- on the edge of the inside flap of the box, this is printed on:
A door squeaks open and Barack Obama enters the room. Hillary Clinton turns.
There was a strong scent of urine on the train this morning. I'm not gonna lie, it was pretty awful. No one could identify its origin; it was the kind of pee smell that's really sickly strong, like it's been there for days and had evaporated into a compressible solid liquid state. There's really no way around it- someone had definitely urinated in that train car somewhere at some point.
I just had this IM conversation with my co-worker:
her (3:52:56 PM): are you getting paid for your health insurance stuff yet?
me (3:53:00 PM): YES!
her (3:53:04 PM): in cash?
me (3:53:06 PM): they worked it out
me (3:53:35 PM): I just told them I couldn't afford my anti-violent rage medication anymore
me (3:53:42 PM): they took me seriously
me (3:53:52 PM): it's called NoPostal
her (3:53:58 PM): [co-worker] offered me amex reward points
her (3:54:06 PM): i kid you not!
her (3:54:41 PM): he wants to reimburse me in amex points
me (3:54:42 PM): he's like the anti grinch
her (3:55:00 PM): he's like pick out something nice for yourself on the website
her (3:55:08 PM): for 30,000 pts
me (3:55:16 PM): "especially if it's lingerie"
her (3:55:20 PM): ew
Man that Margaret and Helen blog post reminded me of how much I dislike that Saxby Chambliss.
I can't get enough of the Margaret and Helen blog. If you can, please read this entire post- it is hilarious.
You guys have to watch this- it's Proposition 8, the musical with Jack Black, John C. Reilly and others. I think Neil Patrick Harris steals the show but that's just me. Also, if you look closely you can find Broadway's darling, Barret Foa, who I saw in Avenue Q and The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee. Enjoy.
According to Dr. Sanjay Gupta on CNN, more than two alcoholic drinks a day for women can cause serious heart problems.
I am the goddamn mental health champion of my office. I made the company retroactively pay for a certain clause in our health care plan from the beginning of the year just so I could have all of my shrink visits covered and THEN I went to all the people who are or have spouses/kids in therapy and instructed them on how to send in a years worth of claims. That can add up to nearly $10,000 for some people here. In your face, sneaky insurance company that took away the option in the beginning of the year w/o telling us.
You guys have to watch this. It's the weirdest/saddest/cutest thing. It's a story about this beagle who fell in love with a duck. When the duck went away for the winter or whatever it is that ducks do, they bought the dog a decoy and the beagle was so happy. Just... watch. And feel free to keep the volume off.
OBAMA: OK here's what I have so far.
Hey guys! Sorry, I've been a bit busy lately like, actually doing work! I know, I know.
Hey! Sorry it's been a while. First 4 day weekend and then this morning I went to the dentist to get my teeth sandblasted. I feel great now but then I drank 4,375 cups of coffee so now I need to go back.
And now, a look at a sampling of today's comments section from TMZ's latest post on Britney Spears: