Oh man, I hate it when people write craigslist postings about me:
To the filthy bathroom couple Friday night. - 35
A day by day and often hourly account of a temp
Oh man, I hate it when people write craigslist postings about me:
I'm really sick of dog owners who know nothing about dogs. Like the guy on my street who won't let his dog Pepe sniff my dog's butt because, "It's a boy, Pepe! No! It's a boy dog!"
Bosslady: I know it's last minute but I need a hotel room in San Antonio for the Final Four game. You should start with low-end hotels because everything is probably sold out.
You're goddamn right I just told the head producer at a major network to chill the f@#k out. Not my fault our camera's not working in the office and they need my boss to get to the studio in record time but she's on an important call.
This just happened just now in the elevator.
As most of you know, thanks to that bitch Sarah McLachlan and her ne'er do well parade of abused animals on the TV, I have joined the ASPCA. I have received neither the shirt nor the "photo" of the "animal" I "adopted". But what I do receive is hella emails with the strangest subject lines. Like this gem for example:
Night. A phone rings.
OBAMA: Hey, Hil.
OBAMA: Ha ha!
OBAMA: Damn, for me it’ll never get old. Ha! Whoo. So… what are you wearing?
OBAMA: (laughing) Gets you every time.
OBAMA: You know what I want.
OBAMA: So I can’t have any of your Vanilla Milkshake?
OBAMA: I drink your milkshake.
OBAMA: I drink it up.
I woke up last night with my dog on my head.
My boss is going with me to the bank today because they changed all these rules and now I have to go through hoops to take out money for her. It's kind of like when your mom goes to school with you after you've been bullied. What she's not ready for, however, is that all the employees at the bank are huge fans of her show and watch her on TV all the time and are gonna freak out when she walks in. I can't wait.
Oh hey, I got cast in that show where I will be "forced" to sing karaoke. My character is a drunken hag. Oh, but about the show...
My knowledge of fashion pretty much extends to what Project Runway tells me to like. But I can't shake this strange feeling that the following fashions are a bit... odd. Check these out and then guess which names at the bottom are assigned to each photo.
Many years ago there was a very scary and serious fire at my camp when the cabin next door burned down. Ever since then, I am very sensitive to the "Bad Smell" of a fire, as opposed to the good smell of a fire like a wood burning stove or a bra.
Ladies and gentlemen, the first ever Re-Gift Contest Winner is... LYNNE! She thought a fun new SuperPoke Facebook option should be: "Galvanize (push the button)". Congratulations and thank you for all who entered. The next time I receive anything strange in the mail or otherwise I will have another contest so don't worry- there are many chances to win.
You know what I was just thinking? I was thinking about how cool it would be to find a website that specialized in erotic photography with, oh, I dunno, let's say falcons. Oh wait! Look no further. Ladies and gentlemen, EroticFalconry.com.
Can somebody please explain this casting notice to me?
My dog broke again yesterday after we got a visit from the Arthritis Fairy. Let's just say that he can't really "walk" all that "well" and I had to set up a special blankie on the floor so he could lay at my feet as the couch was too much of a challenge.
Okay you guys, I got the craziest thing in the mail this weekend and it's so good I have to share it. But seeing as how I only have one, I figured out a way to decide who will be the lucky person to receive this mystery gift in the mail.
This is Conan, the praying Chihuahua. He meditates with his master and imitates everything he does. Coincidentally my dog this weekend ate a bunch of crap, watched bad reality TV, re-assessed his life and goals and stayed up too late last night.
OMG you guys I just totally refused to notarize something!The people in the other office wanted me to notarize a few signatures of people I knew in their office and then there was this thing from the Cayman Islands. I turned to the guy and was like, "I don't know if you know what notaries do," and he's all, "Actually I don't," so I inform him that my only real job is to verify signatures. He's like, okay. And I'm all, "Soooooo how can I verify this guy if he lives in the Cayman Islands?" Very clever, Tempy. He understood but I was like, seriously? That's like asking a notary beneficially interested in the conveyance by way of being secured to take an acknowledgment of an instrument! Ha ha! Some notary humor for you there. Now excuse me while I go geek out with my new notary friends.
Everybody stay calm and DO NOT panic.
I wish I could make up this casting notice:
Here's why I love everything right now. Girls Gone Wild creator and exec Joe Francis has been in jail almost a year and just got out two weeks ago. Immediately he tries to get that Spitzer hooker in a million dollar, non-nude photo shoot and interview when he had a bright idea. "Check the archives," he commanded to his staff. Guess what. That girl had already gone wild four years ago when she was 18 and spent a week on the GGW bus making sex tapes. Francis said it was like finding a winning lottery ticket in your couch, which is true because it is worth millions of dollars, but by "couch" he means "extensive archives of Wild Girls".
I got one of those games on MySpace where you figure out the "Soundtrack To Your Life" by playing shuffle on your iTunes- whatever pops up is your soundtrack to a specific event.
I just went to an audition where I "had" to sing a karaoke song. They didn't know who they were dealing with.
I thought of a new video game. It's called "Walking My Dog in the Morning". It works like this- you have a dog like, say, a beagle-basset hound mix that has a really keen sense of smell. Your job is to walk said hungry dog around the block while keeping him from eating as much crap on the ground as possible. Mind you, this isn't like Buck Hunter where you can and can't shoot certain things. Any thing on the ground is off limits. It doesn't even have to be food per-se, it could be food soaked paper towels, wrappers or cardboard. This "imaginary" dog will go after anything, so watch out.
At some point this weekend I ended up watching the entirety of the Amber Frey story on LMN, the Lifetime Movie Network. That is not to be confused with LGGN, the Lifetime Golden Girls Network or LMBBMN Lifetime Meredith Baxter-Birney Movies Network.
So a girl in my office IM's me, "I did something really bad. I told [annoying co-worker] about your birthday party tonight and he was like, 'I wasn't invited'. Sorry!"
Somehow due to crossed phone lines, I got a message this morning on my work voicemail from a guy at Lehman Brothers who was talking about a really good stock someone should buy. Oops.
So I went to the bank to take out $6,000 for my boss's illicit hooker, and this is the day they changed "policy". I was still allowed to take out this massive amount of cash because clearly "policy" doesn't apply to me.
Have you heard the story of Hachi-Ko? Many years ago, Hacki-Ko was the beloved pet of this Japanese professor. Every day, Hacki-Ko would drop his master off at the train station, and promptly at 3pm every day he would greet him at the train station. One day, his master died suddenly at the University, but that didn't stop Hacki-ko. For the next nine years, Hachi-ko went to the station every day at 3pm to wait for his master. Now that's loyalty. My dog does the same thing, but from the couch.
Have you ever finished an several tasks only to get a phone call from your crazy boss who left his cellphone in a cab and you have to put off everything to call said cellphone only to find it was found by a really nice nurse, and you run a mile to get to said nurse and she won't accept the $20 but you force it in her hand and it totally made her day? And then you walk back to work and realize that today has been a nurse-themed day?
Have you ever been like, in the middle of writing out a million certified returned receipts when you had to leave to go to an audition for a sad play about nurses in Vietnam and all you are thinking is like, "I really hope this audition for a sad play about nurses in Vietnam is running on schedule and that it'll take less than three minutes," and you get there and they are actually running ahead of schedule? Has that ever happened to you?
But let me ask you this- what's the point of making personalized m&m's if you can't use obscenities?
So Eliot Spitzer is about to attend a news conference and there are hella-helicopters outside his home because everyone wants to take pictures. Our office is right down the street and all the noise outside is distracting me from my job.
So I woke up this morning to find that a fuse had blown and I had to trod downstairs in my PJ's to the creepy basement where the super's girlfriend keeps her "art" and by "art" I mean "blocks of tree stumps carved into tree stumps," and paintings of rainbows. So I find the fuse box and flip that sucker on. Next time I have to be down there I'll bring a camera so you can see all the crap she keeps.
Speaking of swinging, I love to swing dance. I learned it a long time ago for a show I was in. You gotta watch at least a bit of this clip. Someone once said to me, "You can't swing dance without smiling," and it's true; it is physically impossible to do the Lindy Hop without a goofy grin on your face. Check these guys out.
My co-worker finally decided on an island in Hawaii to get married at. It was between the one with the nice beach or the one with the resort and pool that had a Tarzan rope to swing into the pool with. She chose the stupid boring beach. I really wanted the Tarzan rope one. Now I'm seriously questioning whether or not I want to attend this wedding.
That's it. I wanna be a high class hooker. Well, maybe not like the "5 Diamond" girls who work for that prostitution ring that our Governor frequented. I'm talking maybe more along the lines of a three diamond one. Not that I'm into mediocrity; I just feel that if I had five diamonds, guys would expect the utmost professionalism, which I'm not really ready to give.
Get a group of sexually deprived white men in a room together and you end up with a whole new set of rules. At least that's what happened at the Vatican recently. These Pope-Fuckers got together and claimed that along with the mortal sins and lesser so-called "venial sins" there are also some new ones like, "Thou Shalt Not Pollute the Environment" and "Pedophilia is Really Bad, Guys. Seriously."
Line of the day- I'm walking my dog this morning and he starts to pee on a tree. This 8 year old kid walks by with his dad.
For those of you unfamiliar with that song, Low, that the kids are crazy about, here's some two women dancing to it. I like to call it, "What Women Really Do Behind Closed Doors After a Box of Wine and Before the Bi-Curiously Suggestive Pillow Fight".
As most of you know, the democratic party is in a tizzy over what to do with the delegates from Michigan and Florida. Both states were penalized from holding early primaries. Obama wasn't even on the Michigan ticket. What should they do?
I agreed to help a 20 year old Ukrainian student from my friend's ESL class audition for acting school. Monologue suggestions?
Co Worker #1: I spilled coffee on my desk.
I've seen a lot of things in my life. Nothing beats the time I witnessed a midget orthodox jew soliciting sex in my bar, but this comes rather close.
I convinced my boss to take the kids skating because although weather.com was predicting showers all night, it had stopped raining by five. It turned out to be a beautiful night and we had a great time. There were probably only 100 people on the ice and it was awesome. The misty air, the view, the... music. Yes, because it was a school event they had a DJ play whatever the kids listen to these days which is apparently songs about alcohol and sex. So I was skating with my boss's six year old and her best friend when this new song called "Low" came on. Have you heard this song? It's by Flo Rida and it's a really good tune but the lyrics are pretty raunch. So I turn to her friend who proudly claims she had the song on her iPod and I asked, "What is this song about?" She was genuinely puzzled. "I don't know."
The boss's kids aren't going skating because of the rain. So I have 5 tickets to tonights event at Wollman Rink- 3 women and two men's names are at the door. They're yours if you want it.
Since I joined the ASPCA they're asking me to do a few things like pledge to help end animal cruelty. After I pledged, they gave me this badge to post on my blog:
Okay everyone, settle down. I know you are all excited for the FOX drama "New Amsterdam". I know you all had to wait because test audiences hated it. I can't see why- I mean, the plot is pretty simple. So there's a guy who was a Dutch soldier in the 1700's and he saved the life of this Native American woman so she granted him eternal life. While she had the power of time and space and didn't use it to save her people from getting wiped out by the white man I'll never know, but anyway, this guy is immortal.
I'm supposed to go ice-skating tonight because my boss bought me and her kids tickets to a private skate night at Wollman Rink. It said rain or shine (even if it's at night), and so far it looks like it's going to pour so I think everyone's gonna cancel. Not me. I'll go even if it's pouring and it's just me and five other freaks.
If my spider senses are correct, my co-workers are planning something for my birthday. Since there's two of us who had birthdays this weekend and I notoriously do something big and embarrassing for my co-workers, I think they'll do something. Everyone is acting a bit strange and a woman in my office just made fresh coffee. Which means there is cake.
Hey guys, been a little while. I had a rad weekend though- I took off work Friday and turned 32 on Sunday. Shut up! Yes, it's true. I am officially in Meg Ryan's movie characters territory. Like, 31 is too young to be that girl in the RomCom but 32 is old enough to make snarky comments about being a "woman in this day and age". You know, balancing career and kids and all that crap. Now I have neither a career nor children but you get the idea.