A day by day and often hourly account of a temp

Thursday, May 31, 2007

Better Than Hallmark?

I have a new favorite eCard site.

It even has an apology for pissing the bed. Seriously.


Blarf. In doing research for this "Mistress" character, I've been trolling the internet. I know, I know, the last thing I'll find on the 'net is anything remotely sex related but I thought I'd try. Turns out there are quite a few sites. Anyway, once again I was led to a site about ballbusting.

Now, last year when I was in a show where my character had a site on Friendster, someone once "found" me and asked me if I was into ballbusting. So I had to google it. It's when a girl crushes a guys balls. Disturbed, I blogged about it in my character's blog (see here for actual entry).

Why am I blogging about it again? Because it's disgusting and I wish it'd go away.

I will write a stern letter to the person who owns the internet, Mr. Al Gore. I mean, his wife Tipper was the one who got the "Explicit Lyrics" sticker on all those rap albums. Maybe she can do something about this.


Now, this dog knows how to pick up chicks.


Turns out everyone in this office is on IM. That's all they do all day. That's why the Girl Next To Me just types and laughs all day.

So now that I'm "in the know" the GNTM and I are IMing about anything that pops into our heads.

But I'm new to this IM thing. The furthest I've gotten is an occasional chat on Gmail. I mean, I need to move slow here people. So, besides NSFW and TTYL, what are some important acronyms I need to know? Well, here's some I found:

IDK: I Don't Know
ADAD: Another Day Another Dollar
CRBT: Crying Real Big Tears
POS: Parents Over Shoulder
NIFOC: Naked In Front Of Computer

But none of those really speak to me. Well, except for that one. So I decided to make a few of my own.

BBAD: Been Blogging All Day
WMGFLA: Where's My Goddamn Free Lunch At
YIAGNTMICIHNSC: Yes I Agree It's Cold In Here Girl Next To Me Now Stop Complaining
SID: Sexual Innuendo Day!
WDTCGWTCC: Why Did They Change "Global Warming" To "Climate Change"?
Z: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Darwin Was A Tool

If you ever had hope Americans had any chance of being taken seriously on this earth, the Creation Museum opened this week to hordes of giddy Southerners. Included in this $27 million biblical romp through the Garden of Eden (complete with full scale dinosaur replicas, of course... you do remember that they too shared the Garden with humans. Right? RIGHT?!) there is also a planetarium and a two story tall "re"-creation of Noah's Ark.

Luckily they have a designer from Universal Studios on their team as well. I think it would have been better for the museum to ignore the whole dinosaur thing as that has been a huge point of contention between the Creationists and The People Who Know What They Are Talking About, but if there were no dinosaurs in the museum, the kids would not want to go. I mean, who cares about two half naked Caucasian "children of god" trading ribs and fighting temptation? That's what the family trip to the Ground Round is for.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Thank You, Perez

Stop the presses. David Hyde Pierce is gay.

Another Distraction

This one is top notch. I'll never work again. Not now that I've discovered StuffOnMyCat.Com and its sister site, StuffOnMyMutt.Com:

Food For Comfort

This is the new KFC Chicken and Biscuit Bowl:

It's strips of crispy fried white meat, corn, potatoes, cheese and a buttermilk biscuit in a bowl. It looks stupidly good and sits atop Americana tablecloths nicely. The Girl Next To Me and I are going to order it some time. Maybe after bikini season (her idea). Maybe tomorrow (mine). We're crazy like that.

Uh Oh!

Guess what's going on?! This guy called a meeting but he's not at work yet and has not called anyone and his meeting is here waiting for him in the conference room and I got the guy water but now he's just sitting there and no one knows what to do and guess what? I don't care! I'm just waiting on my lunch.


Anyone got a club?

Don't Let The Door Hit You...

For those of you who have been to Tempy's apartment you'll know Tempy runs a tight ship. I have had neither a single roach nor mouse in three years due to my exceptional cleanliness and high pitched noise pest deterrent contraption thing. So while I know we live in New York City, you can imagine my delight to find the worst of the worst this morning taking a walk in my apartment- the waterbug.

The last time I saw one of those atrocious creatures was in my old apartment seven years ago. It took me 15 minutes to kill it because as much as I sprayed it with bleach, crushed and swatted at it, it still wouldn't die. I actually had to sweep it in a bag, put that bag into another bag and take that bag outside to a trash can with a solid lid; that's how much I hate these freaking things.

Luckily, the one this morning was relatively small and was staggering about as if it had been poisoned, so I already had a leg up. That is not to say that as I stood there in the middle of my apartment, naked (that's how I roll in the heat, people) that it would be an easy task. About ten minutes goes by with me darting my eyes about the room looking for something to drop on it before it could get sacred and run. I mean, there's nothing worse than the Bug Showdown. It sees you, you see it, but you both don't want to move. You're breathing slowly, the bug is twitching its antennae, both are waiting for the other one to do something. Maybe a dustbunny rolls by.

Then my dog saunters out of the bedroom.

Now, my dog loves anything and everyone. He's actually been known to befriend mice and sick flies. So, anxious to introduce himself to his new best friend, my 65 pound dog bounds towards the 2 oz. waterbug, tail wagging spastically.

It's on. The waterbug tries to run, but is too weak. However it can still meander quite quickly. I'm scampering about looking for something, anything to hit it with. My dog is just about doing backflips. Finally... it ran towards the door.

The door. Could I? And so, naked, I hold my breath that no neighbors are outside, open the door, and shut the waterbug out.

But it's not over yet. While my dog is sniffing helplessly at the doorframe for signs of his now long lost friend, I throw on a robe and grab a broom. And yeah, I did it. I swept that little bitch down the stairs.

Now, maybe I should have followed through and actually swept it outside the building. But it was too early in the morning for that and was already up late the night before and just wanted to get in the shower. So if you live in Tempy's building, I'm sorry. Please check the hallway for a half dead adolescent waterbug. And hopefully if all goes well, I will not have to deal with another one for the next seven years.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Feral Feline

I found myself at a house this weekend with one of those cats that "won't hurt you, she just doesn't like people". Which was great when the little b@#ch snuck up to my leg under the table, sniffed it for a full nerve wracking minute and then decided to both scream and swipe at my bare flesh.

Luckily, I got a photo:

She's Back, People

From Britney Spears' website today:

"This letter is to not place blame on anyone...being in that vulnerable state and taken to dinners and parties with friends and finding out later you paid for everything was a huge learning lesson for me."


I often wonder what is really going on in the minds of celebrity children. I mean, really, how can you live your life knowing nothing but the flashbulbs of the paparazzi, frequent plane trips to exotic locales and unlimited privileges? Well, wonder no more, as your dutiful Tempy has managed to find the secret online blogs of said children. Enjoy...

From RumorHasIt.Blogger.Com
Rumor Willis

Ashton's pissing me off again. First he wants me to call him "Daddy 2", then he stole Scout's gamecube and blamed it on my real daddy, who, by the way, wants me to call him John McLean. My friends say it's weird that Daddy and Ashton like to hang out but for me it means more free trips to Bungalo 8. Whatever. I'm so outta this house in like, a year.

Maddox Jolie-Pitt

I like Austria better than Nepal because the McDonald's here has Big Macs made out of lamb, but tomorrow we'll be in Japan again and then after that Zimbabwe but I want to go back to Greenland and my mom promised me she's buy me a miniature goat bunny but my daddy says I can't have a miniature goat bunny unless all of my Sanskrit homework is done but Zahara doesn't have to take Sanskrit and it's no fair that she gets to study Tigrinya cuz she spoke it in the womb. And speaking of words my new brother Paxil (ha ha!) can't talk yet, but he's my age and totally retarded. He still sleeps on a mat on the floor and cries quietly when he thinks no one is around. I fucking hate him.

Prince Michael Jackson II

Help me.

What's So Funny

Due to some inexplicable force I was again driven to visit my old restaurant this weekend. Maybe it's the burgers or the steak skewers, it could be the atmosphere or the slow but friendly service, either way, I went back. So as you may remember from last time, I had an interesting conversation with the busboy who recently had a baby. She's the one who "fell off the bed" but "bounced back" (get it?!)

Anyway, I saw him again and asked about his child.

Busboy: She's laughing at me.

Me: Well that's great! That's a very important developmental stage.

BB: No, I mean, she's disrespecting me. When she cries and I tell her to be quiet she all starts laughing at me. I mean, if she does this now, what's gonna happen when she's older all disrespectful and s@#t.

Me: Um, how old is she?

BB: Five months.

Friday, May 25, 2007

As Promised

My dogwalker. Drunk.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

To Top It Off

As some of you know, Tempy has also have been known to do some film and theater work, and not of the R Kelly kind. I recently got cast in a short film where I will be playing a dominatrix with a heart of gold. I'd blog about it as my actor alter-ego but we do not yet have the technological capacity for on-set PC's. Although I'm sure the union is working on it.

Anyway, besides spanking technique classes I have to take next week (not a joke), I have to read a book called "The Topping Book". Since no one is in the office, I took an hour off to go to Borders and read all about tops and bottoms.

It was a good read although the ending was a little predictable.


I am finally getting payback for all the times I popped vicodin when I was not in pain. This lower back pain I've had has gotten so bad, I actually had to call my (new) doctor who can't see me for two weeks. Last night I had to sleep with a pillow under my legs because I googled what I should do to sleep better. Yes, I googled how to sleep with lower back pain. I am 60 years old, by the way.

Hammerheads Ain't Sluts

This article claims that a hammerhead shark was able to fertilize its own eggs and have a baby. Experts said it is the first confirmed case of shark parthenogenesis, which in Greek means "virgin birth". People are up in arms about the scientific meaning of this concept, but I think Catholics should be more concerned about the fact that their savior has returned in the form of a hammerhead shark.

What the next "Last Supper" will look like:

Dog Walker, Part 2

I have not gotten my hands on the video montage of my dog walker drunk, but I instead found this:

Yes, one of these guys has the keys to my apartment. And I won't lie, I think I've been missing some underwear lately...

Take A Walk

I am awaiting embedding capacities for a video of my dog walker drunk that is going around MySpace. If you have an account, you can see it here.

In The Bag

Let's talk accessories people. And yes, I am looking at both men and women when I say "handbag". Today on the train I saw a woman with a little tourist-purse bag thing. You know the kind that are big enough for a passport but too small for that summons from the fashion police? This one in particular had a bear glued on but wait- it was supposed to look like the bag was the bear's backpack, and yet there were no straps on said bear's arms. So, was it just supposed to be a bear stuck on a bag? It's too early in the morning for this kind of quagmire.

Okay, this is unfortunately addressed to both men and women. The fanny pack. Could we just... I mean, I see the purpose of it as a "strap on storage" concept but if we were meant to have wings, we'd have them too. It's this bizarre kangaroo envy that causes tourists and bicyclists alike to don this atrocious item. And "fanny pack"? Do you realize that in the UK "fanny" means "vagina"? So in effect you are subjoining a "vagina stuffer" to your hip, you do realize that.

Which brings me to my favorite story about my friend Henry from college. He was wearing a very dainty messenger bag when some kid on the street yelled, "Nice purse, fa##ot!" (I hate that word) To which Henry responded, "It's not a purse, it's a satchel".

So, in summary, bags with bears are not okay, and grow a sack - don't wear one.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Dinner AND Tournament?

The Girl Next To Me is going to Medieval Times Dinner and Tournament this Friday. She needed some terminology to bring with her in order to add to her friends' planned drinking game at the event. Having nothing to do all day but pet horses, go on walks and blog, I offered to do some research for her.

This one is my favorite:

- A hole placed in walls to put putlog in.

Of course.

The Closest Thing to a Puppy

I've been feeling the need to get in touch with child-like happiness, so I just walked to Central Park and befriended a horse named Phalem. It felt so good to touch his face, delicately bent into my hand, until I remembered that this magnificent creature should be running wild on the plains, not chained up to a carriage in a park hoisting around overweight Midwesterners, abiding by its handler because its spirit had been broken by a whip and a stupid human name.

So much for a pick me up.


My co-worker just told me I had "issues" because I used a "calligraphy font" on an "envelope".

Honey, I don't just have issues, I have a subscription.

One Tequila Two Tequila Three Tequila Floor

The Girl Next To Me and I were just talking about platonic opposite sex friends and how great it is to get an insight into how the other half lives. GNTM had dinner with said platonic friend last night where he spent the whole time picking her brain about what to do with his crazy girlfriend.

For some reason it reminded me of this one time I was bartending and a platonic friend of mine was meeting a girl for a blind date. We did the whole "pretend you don't know me" thing, as in, "I don't drink here every night". I wished him luck and the second she walked in I went into anonymously apathetic bartender mode.

I proceeded to spend the next two hours pretending to not notice the deafening silence that followed this horrendous date. Thankfully they both liked to drink.

After many awkward/panicky glances from my friend to me, he slapped his hand down and said, "Tequila shots". The girl nodded vapidly. I pour the shots, they take them, then my friend turns to her and says, "So, you wanna make out?"

If there ever was a way to kill a bad date. I had to spend the rest of the night convincing my friend that he'd find someone. Oy. I hear he moved in with some girl. Who likes tequila and making out.

I just depressed myself.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Today, Please

I just spent an hour on the phone with a Verizon representative in Kentucky after a mistake on their part cost us exorbitant cellphone bills for the last three months. She "just caint understaind how you people could not notice for three months wheyen the beyall was so high".

"Donna, it ain't me. You don't know how these people live. I'm just the assistant."

"But lahk, layast month the beyall was fahve hundred dollars. Ah meyan..."

"Donna, shhhhhh... I know. Trust me. They didn't notice."


"Just breathe, Donna."


Of all the junk e-mail I have received, this one's my favorite:

"原價 3000元 特價 1280元 免運費 採用郵局貨到付款 總共有328套ASP網站程式原始碼, 只要使用任何1套就已經值回票價!"

You know why? Because according to freetranslation.com it means:

"About sharing 328 net ceremony original point use duties what 1 with field 3000 former 1280 former luck expense adoption office money? Time vote!"


It's almost summer and you know what that means!

Top Ten New York City Summer Moments

10. The Mr. Softee theme song
9. Kids playing by open fire hydrants
8. The hot asphalt-glow
7. Boob sweat
6. Hum of the air conditioner
5. Evening showers
4. Skin grime
3. Subway cars full of day camp children
2. Lazy days
1. Patchy sunburns


I've Always Wondered

It kind of makes sense...

Chi to the Huahua

Somebody help me out here. I am a dog lover, I have a dog, puppies make me smile. But why... why is it in almost every neighborhood I am in I always see the infamous Chihuahua twin phenomenon. Basically, it's like this- there is always someone "walking" two Chihuahua's. One is being held like a tired two year old, and the other is on the ground, but off the leash. Do you know what I'm talking about? You never see two Chihuahua's walking on the leash, or both off the leash, or both being held, oh no. And why is it that the one on the ground walks like it has scoliosis and hops around a bit as if the sidewalk is too hot?

Scoliosis is not funny.

And now, a picture of a legless Chihuahua currently at the North Shore Animal League.

Monday, May 21, 2007

My Head

Welcome to the last five minutes of thoughts in my head:

"Blah blah blah phone blah blah don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me, don't you. Don't you. Don't you wish your girlfriend was a freak like me why is Lindsay Lohan so scary blah blah TMZ who the fuck is Perez Hilton anyway a duh duh duh I want to go home oh man my dog is getting expensive I am in pain my back hurts I need a new bed"

That's just a sample.

You Don't Say

Girl Next To Me: Britney Spears is such a ho.

Me: Seriously

(Light typing. 5 minutes later)

GNTM: Shrek killed it this weekend

Me: Oh, I know.


Here is a picture of a dog feeding tiger triplets (the one on the end is her pup). Much like the polar bear Knut and Astro the sea lion, they were abandoned by their mother. Thank goodness for wet nurse dogs.

Everyone Loves a French Girl



Equals what I picked up today.

You Down With DBB?

Hey guys, guess what? It's Dead Baby Bird Season! You see, every year around this time the birds have already built their nests, met their mate and laid a batch of eggs and are currently awaiting the hatching. Invariably it only makes sense that sometimes, due to wind or irresponsibility, a stray egg will fall to the ground. So now you have a dead baby bird on the sidewalk. Hence, the aptly named season.

The first time I noticed this phenomenon I was a teenager and it depressed the hell out of me. But every year after that it became such a common occurrence that now to me it symbolizes the beginning of Spring. Talk about a silver lining.

It's really just a part of the circle of life. Either way, it's a brand new season and unlike the bird who never made it you are alive and should be eternally thankful that you didn't fall out of your mothers warm nest only to have your protective layer shattered to the ground leaving a barely developed body that will be quizzically sniffed by my dog.

Speaking of falling babies, I was at a brunch at my old restaurant this weekend and I asked the busboy how his baby is doing.

"She fell off the bed."


"But she's okay. The doctor says babies are resilient. My girlfriend (baby momma) joked that she bounced back. Literally. Want some more water?"

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Where was I?

Friday, May 18, 2007

Oh Dear

That's it. I give up. I was perusing a picture of a cute puppy on the internet and I saw in the comments section that someone referred to the dog as a "fur baby".

I just want to vomit all over my desk. And it has nothing to do with the hangover.

King Kong

This article is amazing.


For those of you who do not know, "Frum" (pronounced froom, like a Roomba but without the Ba) is a term used in the Jewish community. Yiddish for pious, it's also the word orthodox Jews use in New York when trolling for outer-marital sex on craigslist missed connections.


Booby Trap

I don't care so much about their breakup but this picture is disturbing for countless reasons. Okay, maybe just two.

New Career

I'm not kidding, I will actually be taking this class with my friend next month.

Anyone else want to join us?

Soon to be me:


I just want to eat my bacon egg and cheese. Please stop talking to me.

Thursday, May 17, 2007


I can't tell if this is cute or hideous.


My favorite little hairplug guy here just announced his resignation. What will I do now? I actually really got along well with him.

In other news, do you know any CFO's looking for work? Free lunches...


Well spank my behind and call me Sally. Tempy is in the worst mood. Everyone in the office is depressed, the Girl Next To Me who is 27 just said, "I'm old" and I hate everything. Can somebody please send me something, anything to brighten my day?

Red Headed Slut

That's a drink, people. Namely it's the shot of choice of the security/door guys downstairs. They told me about this place around the corner that they drink at where the cocktails are "mad cheap" and strong. I made the mistake of telling them I used to bartend and now all they do is ask me about drinks. Red Headed Slut shot is a favorite. I forget because I only made it once but I think it's Jaeger and Southern Comfort with a splash of cran but some people substitute peach schnapps for the SoCo. Either way, I'm checking your ID.


I am making arrangements for my boss and her daughter to attend a retreat. Just so you know, here's a list of things that will be discussed at the 2007 Mother Preteen Daughter Retreat:

body image
peer pressure

Things that will not be discussed at the 2007 Mother Preteen Daughter Retreat:

physical body changes
health and nutrition
getting along with siblings

So don't even think about bringing it up.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Humor Me, If You Will

Wouldn't it be funny if in his next life, Dick Cheney returned as this:

But while we're on the subject of squirrels, a friend of mine was talking about his ex-girlfriend who I think is a bit, how do you say, totally f@#king nuts. So it's only fitting that she "adopted" a baby squirrel that was abandoned by its mom. She thinks she's going to raise it as a pet. Here is a picture of the animal from her MySpace page soon to be known as "that rabid beast that scratched her eyes out".

You can kind of see the crazy. Wait... is that his paw opening the cage? For the love of all that is holy, RUN!

One, Two...

Now I know Oprah Winfrey doesn't have six toes, that is preposterous. I mean, that's a corn or something. I have got to stop reading TMZ. But seriously... count 'em


24 has been renewed for two more seasons but get this- they are completely revamping the series. New cast members, new premises and new locations. Which basically means a. my prayers have been answered and if God really is listening to me then b. Jake Gyllenhaal should be calling my house any minute now and c. There will be so many left overs from the meeting I made catering arrangements for upstairs I can take enough food home for days. But actually I care more about the food than Jake Gyllenhaal because he's dating Reese Whitherspoon and I really like her and I hope it works out.


It is a certain child's one year birthday today and I need a flash animated fun birthday ecard to send. Anyone have any site recommendations?

You know Tempy would get your back...

Tuesday, May 15, 2007


MySpace has been getting in trouble lately what with all these internet predators using it to meet children.

It might have something to do with their logo.


Jerry Falwell died today.

I blame the the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People For the American Way. You let this happen.


There's No "I" In "Team", But There Is A "T" In "Tempy"

Alright guys. You know you want to win the Metro caption contest.

If you're like me, and I know I am, you take the subway in the morning and always flip to that daily caption contest. Sometimes they're funny. Sometimes odd. Rarely, they are thought provoking.

So I need your help. I will enter this contest under any name you want, if you all help me come up with a caption to this:

There is no wrong or bad entry. Every little thought is a good jump start.

For example: A game of Patti-Cake Gone Horribly Wrong


"Hey Tempy. Do you mind running several mindless errands around the neighborhood on this sinfully beautiful day?"

Sure. As long as I'm back in time for my free lunch, bitches. Where's my Kenneth Cole sunglasses? Ah, yes. See you later.

Monday, May 14, 2007


I got this letter in my email account from this imaginary British prick named "Mr. Douglas Sheneman" with some scam about finding a "dormant" account, and can he "put the money in my name". I have edited the letter to give you the gist but I have also italicized the spelling errors:


...In one of our peroidic auditing I discorverd a dormant accounts ... due to his possition he did not want to take active part but as soon as you follow my instructions everything will be successfull because we will be woking hand in hand ... to assist the less privelaged in the society ...give you 35% for your coporation,5% will be..."

Here's the best part:

"You should send me Your account information as states below where you like the money to be transfer so that i can send application for the release of the fund immediatelly with your account information."

He then asks for all of your bank info.

So the question is, who do you think the author of this email most looks like?


Or this:

He's Single, Ladies

If you are interested.

One Smart Sea Lion

There's this crazy story in the news about a sea lion (named Astro) who was abandoned by his mother. Instead of shacking him up with the Notorious Knut on the Island of Misfit Wild Animals For Profit, he was bottle fed and released back in the water. But Astro so missed human touch he has since twice attempted human contact. The first time he swam under the Golden Gate Bridge and went onshore. They dropped him off 27 miles away from San Francisco but he returned the next week. To join a walk-a-thon. He saw kids doing laps on a course they made and decided to join them for an entire lap.

I think this might be the one time I would say this animal really wants to live in a zoo.

I Like Salad

I'm ordering from a restaurant called Tossed today.

Too Late

I just ate five Twinkies.


A Diet Is Just "Die" With A "T"

I think that would have to be one of my favorite Garfield quotes. But as far as this toxic flush went, which promptly went into "Operation Reverse" on Friday night at approximately 8:30 pm, I actually lost some weight and feel really good. I can't wait to gain all the pounds and sluggishness back. But until then, I'll revel in my new found appreciation for health.

Friday, May 11, 2007

Spazzy Again

I still can't move my head to the right. Ever since I was little, once in a blue moon I'd get neck spasms, so they are nothing new. But just because a. I'm a hypochondriac and b. I have nothing to do, I decided to do some internet research on muscle spasms.

Now, googling, when it comes to health related issues, is always a bad idea as you will type in something innocent like, "headache" only to find out that you have an ectopic pregnancy. So it comes to no surprise that one of the "causes" of muscle spasms are alcohol abuse.

So I look that link up only to find that there are two kinds of drinkers- People with alcohol dependence and those who are alcohol abusers. Here is the "difference":

"People with alcohol dependence, the most severe alcohol disorder, usually experience tolerance and withdrawal. Tolerance is a need for markedly increased amounts of alcohol to achieve intoxication or the desired effect. Withdrawal occurs when alcohol is discontinued or intake is decreased. Alcohol dependents spend a great deal of time drinking alcohol, and obtaining it.

Alcohol abusers may have legal problems such as drinking and driving. They may also have problems with binge drinking (drinking 6 or more drinks at one sitting)."

I'm sorry, what is the difference?

PS I think my spasm may have something to do with taking a nap on the couch last night.

Calling All Math Geeks

This is funny. But my question to you is... what is the phone number?

In case you can't see it:

x = 24
y = 30

Phone := 01.(y² - x) - (y² - 10²) x 10

FYI- The dash between the first parenthesis is not a subtraction sign; it is the dash of a phone number.

I Didn't Meet Shar Jackson

I ordered from a place called Goodburger today.


I have a muscle spasm that hurts more than anything. I cannot turn my head to the right and yet I keep forgetting that. Ow.

Jane Fonda, War Protestor, Actress, Lover

Somebody help me out here. I was watching a rerun of The Colbert Report last night and Jane Fonda got in Colbert's lap, and passionately kissed him on the lips not once but twice. It got... creepy. I'm going to ask for G-String's help on this one, if she is at liberty to say.

I had nightmares.

Thursday, May 10, 2007


Oh sorry, looks like Stallone really is sporting the new 'do for a role in a movie. About these guys. And the women who love them:


Sylvester Stallone

has a mullet.

Theatrically Speaking

I may have an audition coming up and I may have to use this Hillary Duff monologue from the critically acclaimed, "A Cinderella Story":

"You turned out to be exactly who I thought you were. I never pretended to be somebody else. It's been me all along. And it was me who was hurt in front of everybody. Look, I didn't come here to yell at you, okay? I came to tell you I know what it feels like to be afraid to show who you are. I was. But I’m not anymore. And the thing is, I don't care what people think about me...because I believe in myself. And I know that things are gonna be okay. But even though I have no family and no job and no money for college...it's you that I feel sorry for. I know that guy that sent those e-mails is somewhere down inside of you. But I can't wait for him. Because waiting for you is like waiting for rain in this drought. Useless and disappointing."

Thank you. Thank you.

If I Weren't Here

Quick! A game!

If you could be anywhere else right now, at this exact moment, where would you be? (Assuming you are not exhilarated with where you are). I'll go first. Right now, I'd rather be in a spa getting a massage.


I just went across the hall to this other company that does the same thing our company does.

Let me tell you what they have in their office:

A kitchen with their own private chef
A full gym
Entertainment room
Huge outdoor terrace
2 dogs

Um... is it too late to switch companies?

And Now

Inspirational Corporate Quote of the Day:

"Dig where the gold is…unless you just need some exercise."
- John M. Capozzi, Author of Why Climb the Corporate Ladder When You Can Take the Elevator?

Ho ho ho, John M. Capozzi! That really made me think...that you are a douchebag.

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Nice Pecs

This is kind of gross for so many reasons.

The only thing that's missing at the bottom is "Brought to you by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints".

Anyone remember that freaky Latter Day Saints commercials for the board game, "Bridges and Gaps"? When the son rolls the dice, pulls the card and says to his father, "Your question is: What is the proudest you've ever been of me?" And the music swells and the Dad goes, "Son, I'm always proud of you." And then they hug?

Maybe if I played that game at home, my daddy wouldn't have left.

Found It

Well, I found the pool of ink the leaky pen left at the bottom of my pen-holder that got all of my pens wet with ink that consequently transferred onto my skin.

Just thought you might like to know.

I'm Right, I Know I Am

I am having an argument with my office mate about this diet we're on. She claims she can't use artificial sweeteners in her coffee because the diet states "No sugar or sweetener". I said that "sweetener" counts as honey, and if they didn't want you on Splenda, they would have said, "no artificial sweetener". She thinks I'm wrong, we are both frustrated, and all we've had to eat the last three days are fruits, vegetables and water.

I have, however, had much more energy, I sleep really well at night and my clothes fit a bit better.

But my office mate is wrong wrong wrong.


Mitt Romney

What a name. Anyway, Mitt Romney is a Mormon, and he's running for president. Here's what Al Sharpton had to say in a recent debate with author Christopher Hitchens:

"As for the one Mormon running for office, those who really believe in God will defeat him anyways, so don't worry about that; that's a temporary situation,"

Yeesh. Well, at least the Mormon religion, which has for the longest time shunned African-Americans, got a "Revelation from God" in 1978 which overturned that belief.

Man, God is finally with the times. This blog really has no point other than most organized religions are ridiculous.

Just Call Me Tempy Drew

Okay, one morning mystery is solved. There's this guy who gets off at the subway stop I get on at, and our paths cross on the sidewalk every morning. And every time he sees me he waves and says hi to me. Obviously, I'm a bit freaked. This happens almost every day.

Today I watched him closely from far away and realized he says hi to everybody. And then it occurred to me that he is mildly retarded. Needless to say, I now have a new morning friend.

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

The Kentucky Dirty

From the Post today about a Derby after party:

"After DJ AM finished his set, Federline hi-jacked the microphone from Kid Rock. K-Fed gave 'shout-outs' to hot girls in the crowd and screamed, 'I got four kids already - which one of you Kentucky girls wants to have my fifth?'

There were no takers, and a spy said Kid started to "tool" on Federline, making fun of him."

Oh, okay. That's innocent enought I mean they were just... wait...

"While Kid Rock was verbally jousting with Federline, his girlfriend, May Anderson, was giving her own performance. The Danish beauty lay on the floor of the club, pulled her skirt up and allowed her friends to take photos of her undergarments."

And just when you thought it couldn't get any worse:

"Across the room, Scott Speedman was unsuccessfully hitting on every blonde at the party, including the sober former Miss USA, Tara Conner, while Star Jones and Al Reynolds ground hips nearby."

Thanks Page 6.


Russian Cosmonauts recently said:

"The hardest thing is coming back to Earth. The problem is not so much the mundanity of earthly existence -- bills to pay, food to buy, chores to complete. But the muscle fabric degrades very much. It's hard to walk. You have to learn how to walk again, like a small child."

He then added, "And the diapers. I miss wearing the diapers."

Solutions For A Small Tempy

In figuring out potential show titles (long story) I came across this site. It is a slogan generator. Simply put in a word or name, and it will create a slogan for you. Mine was Solutions For a Small Tempy. Try it out!

It Pays To Be A Jock(ey)

The jockey of Kentucky Derby winner, Street Sense, was recently invited to the White House for a White Tie dinner. He brought his fiancee along. You can't tell from this picture, but I saw her on the news and she is a fine looking lady:

She's also like, eight feet tall (he's standing on a Yellow Pages in this picture).

Flush It Out

For those of you who don't know, I'm on a seven day detox plan. Yes, I'm doing it. Yesterday was all fruit. Seriously, nothing but fruit and water. I probably peed 20 times yesterday but the big "selling point" of the diet, if you will, is the fact that your "disposition will improve" and your "urine will be clear". We can only hope.

Today is all vegetables.

Monday, May 07, 2007


No, no- don't worry. Just because I haven't blogged in five hours or so doesn't mean I've been working or anything crazy like that.

I mean, MySpace doesn't troll itself.

Speaking Of Knut

Dear God, it happened:

This is an actual article: Knut Steadily Getting Less Cute

What they haven't mentioned is he has also been expressing a penchant for fresh meat and bourbon... and jazz.

So Cute

"Hey kid, remember the good times before you and your mom get separated by the circus."


"You guys think Knut's still so f@#king cute? How about this guy? Smile, you ungrateful piece of s@#t, smile!"

The Web

I was in a great mood this morning until I saw this headline about these two spiders that set up camp in a boy's ear.

Now excuse me while I take steel wool to my cavities.

Friday, May 04, 2007

Rock Bottom

I am now experimenting with new ways to sit in my chair.

Currently I am turned slightly to the left while both my legs are folded beneath my torso.


Please, dear sweet lord oh please, can somebody entertain me for the next hour?

Things I Did Today

Made Coffee
Went to the dog park
Ate a power bar
Got my French passport
Drank a Snapple

Wait... wait... back up Tempy. What?

That's right, I am so French even I hate myself for hating freedom.


Thursday, May 03, 2007

Here Kitty

"Mom! I'm missing my 'Women Can Be Doctors Too' Skipper doll! It was right next to 'Math Is Fun' Barbie and 'I Don't Need Any Help So Back The F@#k Off, Prince Charming' Princess Ariel doll!"

Oh No!

When I saw this I thought Condoleezza Rice was under House arrest and needed to wear this electronic collar.

Turns out, she's at the UN. Wait... what's she doing at the UN?


Have you ever been so frustrated by someone who is acting illogically that steam actually almost comes out of your ears?

Or maybe that's just the fine fragrant aroma of my new coffee contraption...

It's All Different Now

This is the best cup of coffee I have had in my whole entire life thanks to this guy:

Wednesday, May 02, 2007


Just for fun and because we all secretly have body issues, a bunch of us in the office claim we are going on this diet next week. Allegedly you lose 10-17 lbs in a week. People here swear by it. Here's the menu:

Day One All fruits except bananas. Your first day will consist of all the fruits you want. It is strongly suggested that you consume lots of melons the first day. Especially watermelon and a loupe. If you limit your fruit consumption to melons, your chances of losing three lbs. on first day are very good.

Day Two All vegetables. You are encouraged to eat until you are stuffed with all the raw or cooked vegetables of your choice. There is no limit on the amount or type. For your complex carbohydrate, you will start day two with a large baked potato for breakfast. You may top the potato with one pat of butter.

Day Three A mixture of fruits and vegetables of your choice. Any amount, any quantity. No bananas yet. No potatoes today.

Day Four Bananas and milk. Today you will eat as many as eight bananas and drink three glasses of milk. This will be combined with the special soup which may be eaten in limited quantities.

Day Five Today is feast day. You will eat beef and tomatoes. Eat two 10 oz. portions of lean beef. Hamburger is OK. Combine this with six whole tomatoes. On day five you must increase your water intake by one quart. This is to cleanse your system of the uric acid you will be producing.

Day Six Beef and vegetables. Today you may eat an unlimited amount of beef and vegetables. Eat to your hearts content.

Day Seven Today your food intake will consist of brown rice, fruit juices and all the vegetables you care to consume.

If you see me muttering to myself (more than usual) or eating inordinate amounts of melons, loupes and bananas, just knock me over with a cannoli.

Mmmmmmmmm... a cannoli sounds really good.

In other news, I just bought a French Press for my cube which means less trips to the coffee machine, therefore less socializing. I like to isolate my connections with people subtly.


FYI, our IT guys are very young, like late 20's or so.

Girl Next To Me: "I love those IT guys. They're so nice."

Me: "Yeah."

GNTM: "I mean, they are so sweet. You now what makes me sad?"

Me: "What?"

GNTM: "When you see old people at the supermarket like, working at checkout."

Me: (pause) "Um, what does that have to do with the previous thought?"

GNTM: "I...I don't know."


Me: Hey, I'm getting sushi for lunch.

Girl Next To Me (who works for a different company): Sounds good. Yeah, let's get sushi.

Me: Awesome. And hey, it's on me this time.

GNTM: No, no. I got it.

Me: You always get me. Come on. It's my treat.

GNTM: Don't be crazy.

The kicker is, neither of us actually has to pay for said meals... It's just a matter of whose company pays for it.

What I Learned Last Night

Last night I went to a screening of a movie at the Tribeca Film Festival and finished the evening at a party at the W Hotel, because I'm so fresh like that. Here's what I learned:

1. Bread sticks wrapped in prosciutto are delicious but do not a dinner make
2. Lucy Liu is 5 feet tall
3. Everyone is more important than the next person
4. Hang out with the PA's of the movie; they are the most fun
5. Just keep drinking just keep drinking just keep drinking
6. According to some nice 19 year old girl, I look like I'm 22
7. Don't insult the nice 19 year old girl by asking her boyfriend why they live in New Jersey
8. They live in New Jersey because he works in New Jersey
9. When it's raining, a man in a nice suit will knock over a girl to get a cab

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Smells Like Mean Spirit

Okay, if you haven't already heard, Courtney Love is auctioning off all of Kurt Cobain's things. When asked why she wasn't keeping it for her daughter, she actually said, "My daughter doesn't need to inherit a giant ... bag full of flannel ... shirts."

The Magic Touch

My friend's friend is a teacher or counselor or something, I forget, but here is a story of a conversation she recently had with a five year old girl she works with.

Girl: (pointing to something) Can I have that?

Woman: What's the magic word?

Girl: Don't touch my vagina.

Happy Birthday

My dog is afraid of pools, lakes and ponds. I'm pretty sure this goes back to an incident that happened when he was a puppy. I took him to this park where he could be off the leash, so he was running willy-nilly as puppies are wont to do and ran straight into a pond that was covered in lily pads. Needless to say, instead of walking across the water like our little baby Jesus, he sank. Quickly. I had to save him from the pond and 'till this day, he walks around puddles for fear that one of them might be deep like that pond.

So in honor of his birthday, I have attached some pictures of the last time I tried to get him to overcome his fear of water in a friend's pool two years ago. Let's just say it did more harm than good. Note the look of sheer panic on his face as he fights his way to "shore". Happy Birthday!

Another Open Letter

Dear Park Slope couples who take the train to their jobs in Manhattan,

Hi, how are you? We've met, you and I. I see you every day on the train, you get on a few stops before me. You two are usually freshly out of the shower; maybe you took one together (too cute!) you like to talk about TV shows and what's hip to talk about today in the news "Did you read the article about the protests against Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan? And what was up with Melinda Doolittle's hair last night on AI?" and maybe you have just moved in together so things are still exciting and new and fun. Go ahead, tug playfully at your partner's hair. That's so adorable.

When it is time to part, sometimes dramatically at the transfer hub of Jay street, you give each other a little kiss. So sweet. Or maybe it's at Broadway-Lafayette where there are more crowds in which to rush you away from your partner with nothing but a wave-kiss. Oh no, will they ever meet again?

So, here's the thing. It's really getting tired. This morning some blond girl was playfully yet seriously wiping dandruff off of her partner's suit. That's just gross. What's next, picking nits out of his hair then eating them? Then there's the one girl last week who was rubbing her boyfriend's back while trying to cheer him up with funny faces. He just kept rolling his eyes. I don't need to watch the messy aftermath of a morning fight, kids. I haven't even had coffee yet.

So here's the thing. It's cool that you are beautiful and stylish and have good yet conveniently creative jobs which means you are not that much of a sell-out and you live in Park Slope and your shopping bags are made out of environmentally friendly hemp weave and Al Gore is your hero. I don't care. And you're in love or at least you like each other a whole lot. But just please, please... the packed subway at 8am is not the time to be a cute couple. Just grab the pole, read your Metro and look as bored as possible. We'll get along fine.



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