A day by day and often hourly account of a temp

Thursday, January 31, 2008

On Your Marks

Ladies and gentlemen, the democratic debates are tonight and no one's more excited about it than this guy. So in the tradition of or great country, I now present to you the rules of tonight's Clinton/Obama debate Drinking Game!

Drink when Hillary says:


Drink when Obama says:

Yes, We Can
Si, Se Puede

A Hit

This celebrity death pool fantasy league game is really stressing me out. Last night I even had a dream about needing to log in because something crazy happened to a random celebrity.

Currently I am in second place, which is a big deal. My celebrities have been performing very well. If I win this, I'll take you all out for drinks. Oh, who am I kidding; I'll just spend it on a subscription to US Weekly so I can mush it into a tiny paste and shoot the gossip directly into my veins.


Have you seen the commercials for that new game, "Moment Of Truth" where you are strapped up to a lie detector and they ask you these personal questions? Well, is it weird that every question they ask, I have done? "Have you ever taken naked pictures of yourself?" Of course, would you like to see them? "Have you experimented with illegal substances?" Duh. "Have you ever stolen something from a friend?" Sure, if you count boyfriends... hey-o! Next question.


Oh, those Mastercard people.


I am quite possibly the worst photographer in the universe; I put red eye to shame, but I carry around a camera because a. it's new and b. There are so many times when you just wish you had one. So I had to document what I saw yesterday as I transferred trains. On the platform was this guy... with the top half of an ATM machine. Not the bottom half, that would make him a thief. But just the top part.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008


I don't understand how these MySpace bands expect me to be friends with them all, especially when after I click on their link to see if it's something I may be interested in, it's always this pimped out MySpace layout that is so all over the place I can neither hear nor see anything because it takes three hours to load and once it does it looks like a mix between a kaleidoscope and a peep show. I'd use Facebook if I knew how to use it and people stopped poking me and asking me to be in their vampire club.

And now, a cat doing an impersonation of me after a particularly rough night.

The Law

They made a Seinfeld episode about this, but in Seinfeld, it was funny:

"HARO, Spain (CNN) -- A Spanish businessman withdrew a controversial lawsuit Wednesday against the family of a teenage boy he struck and killed while driving a luxury car.

Tomas Delgado had filed a suit asking the dead boy's parents to pay him €20,000 ($29,400) on the grounds that the collision that killed their teenage son also damaged his Audi A-8."

Tuesday, January 29, 2008


My new favorite site.


This is copy of the notes Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton were passing each other last night during President Bush's state of the union address.

Groundhog's Day!

How will you celebrate???

So Sweet

I did my co-worker a favor yesterday so he bought me roses! And then my boss was clearing her desk and found a bottle of wine someone sent her over the holidays and she gave it to me! So now my cubicle is a love den. All I need are some candles...


This is a Transforming Death Star, one of the many fun toys you can find on thinkgeek.com, a website I will now be frequenting. Aside from Yoda slippers (Let the Force Be With... Your Feet!) and an R2D2 trash can, is this lovely Chewbacca backpack. Note the accuracy of the male model. What I love is that you must have a plastic ray gun as having a wookie on your back isn't enough protection... from women.

Monday, January 28, 2008

Dog House

My co-worker just bought a $1,500 dog and doesn't want to walk it. "Can't I just paper train her?" Um, yeah, I guess if you want your house to smell like poo. But seriously people.

At Work

Careerbuilder.com just listed the top things not to say at work. Here's a partial list:

"That's not my job."

"Don't tell anyone I said this, but ... "

"It's not my fault."

"To be honest with you ... "

"I got so trashed last night ... "

"I just didn't have enough time for that."

I'd like to add a few more, say...

"I wouldn't use that copy machine if I was you *wink*"


"Get it? Because I had sex on it with Ray from Accounting after hours. That's why I winked."

Any others you've noticed?

Pick Me

I just got sent this casting notice. This part really speaks to me:

"Lauren is a woman in her thirties who is still living her childhood. She became a mom at a very young age and as much as she loves her daughter, she has difficulty showing affection for her. She is the classic case of the overwhelmed single mom. When she comes home from work from the hair salon at night she really just wants to fool around with her boyfriend and nothing else. One of her daughters died from a drug overdose."


You asked for it.

No I didn't.

You waited patiently.

Um, okay.

And now, I bring you... ACTUAL FOOTAGE of the rat/squirrel/possum/small child stuck in my wall trying to get out!

No, seriously, that's kind of weird that you recorded it.

Shut up, other voice! Because when you hear this, you'll understand why I didn't sleep for two nights. Make sure you have the volume up on your computer. Warning: this is not for the faint of heart.

FYI the exterminator put poison in my wall the next day and whatever it was is dead.

I now present... the RaSqirPosIld:

And in case that wasn't enough (also you can hear my dog panting on this one. So cute!):


This morning I was walking my dog when this girl walks next to me and she is wearing the same exact hat as I was and her coat was similar, and my dog ran right up to her, wagging his tail, then he stopped and looked back at me, then back at her, then sheepishly sidled back to me and said aloud, "My life is a sham".

Friday, January 25, 2008


Know when you're trying to add a friend on MySpace, or open an email account or post a craigslist ad for that guy that took out a restraining order on you and you have to "type the letters you see in the box" and you can't even read them? I just filled one out that looked exactly like this:


My boss wants me to buy an expensive necklace for a co-worker's 13 year old girl who is a "hippie". You know, so something that's grungy, like peace signs or flowers, but looks like she spent a lot of money.

So I found this. I don't think she thought I was joking.


Well well well. Looks like Chris Klein finally blabbed to someone that he is Suri's father. I think people have been saying this since day one. I mean, it would make sense that the last few months of her pregnancy were faked.


This is pretty awesome.

Final Straw

Ok, the rat is back and he has tools. I sealed the holes with steel wool but all night he was scratching and trying to chew a new hole through the wall. It was like this:

scraaaaaaaaaaaaaaatch scraaaaaaaaaaaaaatch... scratch scratch scratch scratch... scraaaaatch...

Needless to say I barely slept all night and left the kitchen light on and my bedroom door closed. My dog was no help. As he gets older he just gets less wily and more apathetic. He kind of reminds me of Aslan, that lion from Narnia who is old and wise... and kind of lazy and just lays there. Jesse is like that sometimes. He looks big and old and regal, but when he lumbered up to the wall last night and shoved his nose right up against to where the rat was scratching, he just turned around and looked at me like, "Sucks for you", and hauled his weary bones all the way to the bedroom. So after I locked us safely in the bedroom, I was awoken every two hours because that's how loud the thing was. I mean, I had nightmares. Finally in the morning I had the guts to investigate, and from what I can tell, it hasn't yet broken through. But it will.

I have the exterminator arriving tomorrow prepped with rat killing tools, but my landlord said she thinks it might be a trapped squirrel.

Personally, I think it might be magician/illusionist David Blane, practicing his next trick of escaping walls by levitating.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

A View From The Hedge

This is what's on my desk right now. See that red hand cream? It smells so bad. My co-worker gave it to me because it smelled bad so of course the first thing I do is slather it all over my hands and now I am very much regretting that.

In other news, this is awesome.

Small World

OK, I got suckered into this Celebrity Fantasy League by a friend who doesn't do it anymore, so I only sort of know one person on my league. So the league's captain just emailed me asking where I lived so we could arrange a happy hour and meet each other. Turns out she lives RIGHT NEXT DOOR TO ME and our dogs play together. So weird! When you have a dog-owner "friend", you never bother to learn the person's name, just the dog, so that explains it.


This is Mike Huckabee holding onto the hope of a nomination with all his might. I'm just kidding, it's a hamster glued to a food wheel! Speaking of politics, I love Obama but he's got to stop complaining about Bill Clinton yapping his trap for Hillary. Obama, you have Oprah and if you compare the two, I'm pretty sure it's even. Now shut up and look at the hamster.

Celebrity League Update

Well, thanks to Jessica Simpson, I'm in third place for the league, which is pretty good because I'm neck in neck for second. Unfortunately no one can have Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan or Paris Hilton, so it's just me and a dream. With any luck Eva Longoria and Rumer Willis will follow in Simpson's footsteps.

I'll now translate that into CeleBlogger language.

OMG looks like Chestica is breaking up with T-Romo, and Tempy here has the points to prove it! Too bad we can't bet on Unfitney, LiLo and the Celebutante, but hopefully Longwhoria and Potatohead will follow Yoko Romo's cowgirl boots!

Wake Up

I had a dream that I was dressed up as a 70's has-been on a panel of three men and a lady and the guy next to me made penis themed jokes all night and I mistook beer for dinner.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Back It Up

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go home to teach my dog how to wax my eyebrows.

Side Work

Now that I'm done answering all of my boss's fan mail, I can finally get to my own.

Real Love

If I ever got a fake boyfriend, I'd want to have a photo album like this.

Should I Go For It?

If I didn't want to curl up in a little ball and cry already, this casting notice did the trick:

"Seeking—Female #1: 20-27, stunning, perhaps a model, beautiful, petite, smart, sexy, artistic, articulate, charismatic, well-mannered, has the striking strong presence of a beautiful outsider, medium to long brown or black hair preferred; Female #2: 25-30, stunning model, beautiful, perhaps slightly taller, smart, sexy, fragile, possesses all of the characteristics of Female #1 but with an ethereal nature and manner, medium to long brown or black hair preferred; Female #3: 20s, not age-specific, Kate Moss or a reasonable facsimile thereof, authentic British accent required, will also be seriously considered for Female #1 and Female #2. Note: no nudity."

Oh, Tom

I cannot stop laughing at this.

Smart Pen

I recently purchased one of these.

Along with the Epi-Pen, I never leave the house without it, and now I'm looking for a reason to use it.

Freaking Hell

That's a sleeping puppy. In a hat.

In Other News

Here's a release from the Westboro Baptist Church. They're the closeted homosexuals who protest funerals before throwing huge Grecian style male orgies in their backyards.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

If I May Be Serious

RIP you beautiful and talented man.

Note Worthy

Among the more interesting things I got in my American Association of Notaries welcome package which included my stamp, embosser and a ticket to the annual Notary Ball next month, was a pamphlet called "Notable Notaries". The notable notary this month is Vice President Charles Curtis who was not just the first Vice President to be part Native American, but was also the last VP to have facial hair until Dick Cheney.


This makes me hungry. For what, I don't know.


If you thought the kid in the roller coaster was funny, this is Bill Clinton nodding off at a MLK remembrance speech at a church this weekend.

The Coop

How can you not love this man?

Is It Hot In Here?

That could be a rash, or it could be... Oscar Fever!

Yup, that's right, I've caught something. Grab me that Epi-Pen, cuz I might swell up from excitement!

Let's talk nominees! There's a whole big list of them on the internets and it's full of talent!!! I'll tell you who I think should win!!!

Actually the only movie I saw that's nominated for anything is Juno. Oh, and of course the Live Action Short Film, Le Mozart des Pickpockets.

So... I guess I'm not really an authority. But I still think The Bourne Ultimatum will win for editing.



Super Bowled

In case you didn't hear what happened this weekend.

Friday, January 18, 2008


Since the stuffy boss is away, the kids will play.

Our office just got into a paper plane fight. Maybe it's because the economy is slowly drifting towards a massive recession and we're losing millions of dollars a day. But what I've learned is that when making a paper plane, heavy stock paper sails up to 20, 30 feet.

Oh, and don't buy Home Depot.


This is the dog that beat my dog out for best costume during the dog costume parade. Which is okay considering my dog's been through enough this year.


Now that I've learned what my bonus will be after taxes, I can start planning some vacation time. Not a joke- I am seriously considering New Zealand, but a more realistic one will be LA and maybe some San Fran.

Or I could just spend it all on scratch cards and 40's on my stoop. Speaking of which, there was the best "domestic disturbance" call to the cops yesterday with my neighbors across the street. Everyone's in their bathrobes while this 65 year old guy is screaming, "Fuck you!" to his 65 year old wife who's like "No, fuck you!" And the cops are like, awesome, pass the popcorn.

Words of Wisdom

Hey, ladies.

Too Soon?

It's pretty bad when the AP writes your obituary even though you are still alive.


Oh man, really?

My League

Okay you guys, my celebrity fantasy league thing has started and my random draft picks suck. I've already started swapping but man... check this out. The first column is points for this week, the next column is overall. Can Jennifer Love Hewitt puhlease make out with Tyra Banks?

Sam Lutfi 2 2
Rachel Bilson 1 1
Madonna 1 1
Ashley Tisdale 1 1
Tyra Banks 0 0
Jennifer Love Hewitt 0 0
Heidi Klum 0 0
Julia Roberts 0 0
Jessica Simpson 0 0
Will Smith

TGIF, Right Guys??!!

Some things to discuss!

A. Rat problem- solved. The nice people at True Value hardware informed me that
  1. There has been an overall upsurge of rats on my street due to construction.
  2. There is a solution.
  3. It involves steel wool and foam sealant.
  4. I bought them.
  5. So then I went home.
  6. And filled up the holes.
B. When I got home I was pleasantly surprised that SAG sent me yet another package of swag. You see, I vote in the SAG awards so in the last week I've received
  1. Hairspray on DVD
  2. Tickets to There Will Be Blood
  3. Some other DVD I don't remember and it doesn't matter because I already voted
But the best part is I got a DVD of No Country for Old Men. That's still in the theaters! And I want to see it! It would be like saving $10 to go see the movie if I actually went to theaters anymore.

C. Ummm... that's about it.

Thursday, January 17, 2008


Of course I am doing research about rats because I'm not freaked out enough. Turns out not only do they run rampant and cause general nausea, but there is also something called Rat Bite Fever, which is coincidentally the name of my new band. Here's some other fun facts:

"It is estimated that rats destroy one-fifth of the food produced every year. They spread disease, and, because of their constant gnawing, they cause damage to homes and businesses. They are often responsible for electrical fires. Rats have a territory of anywhere from 100 to 300 feet, which they explore daily."


Interesting Animals

In an effort to find a picture of what ugly creature was under my sink last night, I found this. Check out girlfriend's nails!

Only In Australia

I really didn't want to laugh at this.

Good Idea

Just what we need. A polar bear getting crazy with the ice luge.


I'm going to take you for a ride on a little something I like to call the honesty train. As most of you know, I take good care of my apartment, and save for the 65 pound mammal that sleeps in my bed, my house is relatively pest free. So imagine my surprise when I opened the cabinet under the sink last night to find that something had jumped into my trash can and shredded its contents. HAHAHAHAHA!!!

Now, when I see something that is so shocking I can't even wrap my head around it, I do this little thing called massive denial and pretend it didn't happen until it happens again, in which case I panic. So I emptied the contents of the trash, put a new bag in, closed the cabinet and hoped for the best.

Not five minutes go by before I hear something thumping around inside again, something so big it actually knocks over several spray bottles of cleaning product. Jesus H. Christ.

I had plans to meet my friends around the corner so I did what any responsible person would do. I put a barstool up against the cabinet, kissed my dog on the head and hoped those rabies shots worked. See you later, I'm getting shit canned.

My friends had some very creative suggestions as to what I should do, including coaxing it out and then beating it over the head with that non-existent hammer I keep around the house. Let me explain one thing- under my sink there is one hole in the wall, big enough for a medium sized cat to crawl through, thanks to an axe the FDNY used 6 years ago to see if the fire next to my building had spread through the walls. I've never patched it up, and I never had to. So clearly what I needed to do was just cover it up.

And that's what I did. When I got home, I threw the cabinet door open with one hand as I grabbed the barstool I had wedged in front of it with the other, in full lion tamer stance, ready to face my foe.

Luckily there was nothing there and I patched up the hole temporarily with duct tape.

It was probably just this.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Another Fave

One of my favorite episodes from The Kids in the Hall.

That'll Show Them

I glanced at an article today about this New York high school that recently staged a walkout to protest something. I immediately thought about my high school. They were always organizing walk-outs for this reason or that. Turns out those fucking nerds were protesting that detention rules were too strict and were "keeping them away from after school teams/sports/community service" and other such things. Guess what- it was my old high school.


OMG you guys! LOL! I am totes notarizing something today! Too bad I forgot everything I learned two months ago!!!

(Just kidding, Lynne. I remember everything and your boss will not get in trouble.)

The Primaries

The day after Michigan...

A locker room behind an arena.

Romney: Wooooooooo hooooooooo! (takes off cleats) That was awesome! Huh, guys? Huh?

McCain: (huffing) Yeah, you really killed them out there, Mitt.

Romney: I mean did you see that guys? Did you see?!! I totally kicked ass out there! Yes! Yes! (snaps towel on Huckabee) Yes!

Huckabee: Hey, stop that.

Romney: What's the matter, fatty, gonna cry?

McCain: Enough! Please! It was a good game, Mitt. A damn good game for you. But let's just... relax... we've all had good games.

Romney: Not like this one you guys. (douses head in Gatorade). Man I'm stoked!

Thompson: Could someone pass me my laxatives?

Romney: What's the matter grandpa, pissed cuz you haven't won even one state?

Thompson: No, I am constipated.

Huckabee: Jesus Christ.

Jesus: (appearing) Yes?

Huckabee: No! No one can see you here! get back! (pushes Jesus into locker, shuts it)

Romney: What was that?

Huckabee: Nothing... n... nothing...

Get Him Off The Couch

This is a video of Tom Cruise talking about his religion a few years ago that was recently leaked. I wish it were a Tom Cruise impersonator doing an impersonation of Tom Cruise, but it's not.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008


An early 2007 poll? Or the lining of my uterus mid cycle? You decide.

CK 101

Remember these creepy Calvin Klein commercials? We have these now but for American Apparel.

Bison, Son

Everyone's making fun of me because I ordered lunch from a place that serves bison.

Fun facts about bison thanks to wikipedia:

"On September 21, 2007, the research co-authored by biologist Dennis Hedgecock of the University of Southern California Texas University journal found per DNA analysis that the Catalina wild American Bison of Santa Catalina Island, California is not pure bred having a little bit of cow in them (45% have a domesticated cow as an ancestor). He then was heard to exclaim, 'Holy f@#king shit, my last name is Hedgecock; how busted is that?'"


Now I'm not a conspiracy theorist*, but a lot of people are saying that the elections in New Hampshire were rigged because the right wing does not want to run against Obama. Kucinich is even taking $2,000 out of his allowance his hot mom wife gives him to get a recount.

* yes I am

Monday, January 14, 2008

Bless You

This is the cutest thing you'll ever see. A baby panda sneezing.

The Primaries

A quiet street in Michigan. Nighttime. Silhouettes of two people strolling down the street.

Obama: It's a beautiful night.

Clinton: I suppose.

Obama: (looking directly at Hillary) With a beautiful view.

Clinton: Barack, stop. I am a married woman. Besides, I wouldn't be with you if you were the last politician standing.

Obama: Admit it. You'd take me over Giuliani.

Clinton: That's not fair, Bar. You know goddamn well he has herpes.

Obama: Even so... So Hil, have you thought about my proposition?

Clinton: On the off chance you win the ticket, then... yes, I'll think about it.

Obama: And if you win?

Clinton: (sighing) Yes, you'd be my vice.

Obama: You're already my vice. (Swings Clinton around, tries to kiss her)

Clinton: Bar, stop. We don't want to get the press talking.

Obama: I'm crazy for you Hil. There. I said it.

Clinton: That stunt you pulled in New Hampshire...

Obama: I didn't know my staffer's chose Jay Z's "99 Problem's But A Bitch Ain't One" as my entrance song! (This is in fact, true)

Clinton: It's just...

Obama: Oh, no. Here come the waterworks.

Clinton: No Bar, listen to me. Can we just... go easy on each other? Just for a few days?

Obama: For you, yes. Yes, I will.

They embrace

Clinton: Ha, ha. Who said I didn't have enough feminine charms to take down the enemy. Mwa, ha ha!

Obama: What does that mean?

Clinton: Oh, did I say that out loud?

Obama: Yes.

Clinton: I... was joking.

Obama: Oh! Okay.

To be continued...

What a Story

I created an online MadLib. You're welcome. Feel free to send me your stories.

It's Kosher, Bitch

Oh, man. My co-worker and I are so tempted to order from this place today. It's a kosher Chinese restaurant that has on its menu among other things, pastrami fried rice.

Busy Day

There is so much to talk about today, I don't even know where to begin.

First of all, it's Brit's big custody day- if she doesn't show up to the hearing, she loses her kids. Never mind the fact that she's dating a big muppet and thinks she's British.

Second, who else saw some of the new Rock of Love 2 with Bret Michaels? I have never before in my life seen so many women who look like blowfish.

Finally, I had a dream I left a friend's house at 7AM with their pet turtle, and I didn't even realize I had it until I was at the 2nd ave. subway station, which in my dream was above ground and transferred to the B train. And I was able to send a text to tell my friend I had their turtle but T9 let me down and I ended up getting on the wrong train and ended up at 42nd street which wasn't the best way to get home to Brooklyn. What the hell does that mean?

Friday, January 11, 2008

Scent Of A Stranger

This new dating site matches partners through DNA and body aroma.

Seriously. All I want is a guy who wears Sex Panther. When in Rome.


My boss is doing a segment on TV from our office today so I put this sign on the door. A. so I remember not to walk in/transfer a call in there while she's taping and B. to keep the knife wielding stalkers out. Ha ha!

The name I referred the "crazies" to is this guy in the office who volunteered to be her "security detail". Sure hope it works.


It's tax season and soon I'll be rolling in some sweet money from the government. Which is fine by me because they took 80%* of my salary out in taxes last year. I'm not one of those people that hates paying taxes, I'm just one of those people who wants to know where $ 9 billion of our tax dollars "disappeared" to in Iraq last year.

*not an exact number

Let's Kill Trees!

Nice try, cat.

Watching My Back

CRAZY NEWS PEOPLE. My boss was filming her show yesterday when a crazed fan tried to get into the taping and stabbed a security guard. So basically... there's fans out there that are willing to kill to see my boss. So that makes me... in the way.

Beautiful Mount Airy Lodge

If you're a native New Yorker, there are a few commercials you grew up with that no one else can really understand, like, "The Money Store", "The Westchester County Fair" and everyone's favorite, "The Beautiful Mount Airy Lodge". But what I didn't know is that the infamous lodge, closed down due to poor conditions, was also a den of upper-middle class white people debauchery. From the New York Times:

"Mount Airy Lodge, the all-inclusive, star-studded resort where countless couples found passion in a heart-shaped tub, shut its doors this week... its longtime owner, Emil Wagner, killed himself rather than see it sold at a sheriff's auction... 'The food was lousy, but it was a legalized orgy,'' said Mickey Freeman... plenty of New Yorkers can still sing the tag line to Mount Airy's once-ubiquitous television jingle... 'All you need to bring is your love for everything... beautiful Mount Airy Lodge.'''

On a Roll

There's these Chihuahua's that got rescued recently with no front paws. For Christmas, they received little wheelbarrows to learn how to walk, even though they've spent the past year learning to walk on their hind legs. What they don't tell you is that each little wheely machine is equipped with a remote control and if you adopt them, you also get a free miniature race track.

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