A day by day and often hourly account of a temp

Monday, March 26, 2012

Good Morning

This is Bode. He's very tired.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Nice Tires

Well, I don't see what's wrong with this campaign bus.

Friday, March 16, 2012

Who Speaks For The Men?

Hey guys, what's up? Sorry I'm a little late to post this morning - I was in the bathroom getting assistance from Republican Virginia State Senator Ryan McDougle with putting a tricky tampon in. I don't really know how my body works so I made sure he guided the applicator properly into my "dirty hole" to plug up my shame blood from another wasted egg. I'm such a whore! Anybutseriouslyhowdoesavaginaworkpleasetellme...

A LOT has been said in the news media these days about these bills being introduced that intend to help ladies, and the liberal media is calling it a war on women. PLEASE. They have it all wrong. Really, where's the love for the men in these situations? Not all of the women got pregnant alone.

Now, I'm not talking about those silly "response bills" for when a man wants Viagra. A man OBVIOUSLY knows when he needs Viagra, amirite? What we're not addressing is the men's rights in this abortion making decision. (Editor's note: joking aside, I know by saying this out loud that somewhere, someone is already writing this bill). This is why I propose the following additions:

1. House Bill 462 aka The Virginia Ultrasound Bill - This bill requires that a woman get a mandatory ultrasound before waiting 24 hours to think about her whore ways before she has an evil abortion. They took out the vaginal probe part, but, as someone who actually did have a "Trans-V" (that's what we call it on the street) last week, it was all types of pleasant. Anyway, Here's what should be added:

Not only is the father, or, barrage of possible fathers, to be present, but he/they must be allowed to look at the screen, and shake his/their head(s) in shame. Crying is allowed but large wails are not, so as not to upset the baby. The man/men then have 24 hours to release all bank statements and produce a detailed financial plan for how they will co-provide for a child should they choose to keep it.

2. House Bill 2625 aka The Employer Can Deny Pill Coverage If It's Not Used For Anything Other Than Sex - With this, employers can deny coverage of birth control pills if they want. That totally makes sense. But the men need to be taken care of too:

Once the female is denied coverage, the current partner/spouse/lover must be responsible for the purchase of condoms, not complain to said partner about how it doesn't feel as good, and must not rawdog it with a cocktail waitress at the pub of his choosing. If the latter does happen, however, the government shall offer protection of the man's privacy from his partner and offer free legal counsel if the partner chooses to separate from him. 

3. Senate Bill 1359 aka Doctors Don't Gotta Be Telling You If Your Baby Has A Deformation So Quit Asking You Dumb Sluts - This bill protects the male doctor (this is true [ok not the male part]) from having to tell you if he sees anything on the ultrasound that you're paying him to do, in case you decide to abort the fetus because of it, and thus, making him cry:

Not only is the father, or, barrage of possible fathers, to be present, but he/they must look at the screen, and clap and yell excitedly about how great their kid is going to be. The man/men then have 24 hours to release all bank statements and produce a detailed financial plan for how they will co-provide for a developmentally challenged child should they choose to keep it since most health insurance companies do not cover sick children.

Men: You're welcome.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Jesse Bones

Today marks the one year anniversary that my dog died. Here's a link to the original post about him. He was a special little guy, and is missed. And by special I mean, well, you get the idea - here he is getting stuck behind computer wire:

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Bussing It

I'm getting excited to perform at a show in Boston for the Women in Comedy Festival. That's kind of an oxymoron because we all know women aren't funny, but I plan on bringing my knitting, gossip mags, and best pillowcase for the invariable pillow fight that will ensue. Shenanigans!

That being said, my neighbor asked if I would watch his friend's two daschunds for 10 days. There's so much of no on so many levels (for example - "they can't be left alone but they're cute...") so I politely declined and used the travelling as an excuse.

I don't talk a lot about my downstairs neighbor because he's... odd. But keeps to himself, which is nice. Until I tell him I'm travelling for a show. He asked me, and this was not meant to be a joke, "Is it a travelling minstrel show?"

I had to do all I could to keep from telling him "Actually, it's a travelling menstrual show." AMIRITE LADIES?!?!?

Friday, March 09, 2012

Beauty Spotted

Everyone please stop what you're doing to admire this gorgeous creature I spotted on the train this morning. You drinking it in? Yes - that is an actual Jersey Shore Paulie D original hair style. I had to take a picture because when you see something so rare, it should be immortalized. But don't worry - I put a black bar over his eyes so he's totally anonymous. Plus, you should never look a specimen like this in the eyes because if so, you will turn into gold and melt.

Monday, March 05, 2012

Rush Limbaugh And The Sexy Sex

I think I've figured out what's happening. Click to enlarge:

Guest Post

Good morning! Before you do anything, please, read this. Read this now. This piece was written by a good friend of mine, and in her words, here's what it's about:

"I have written this essay in hopes that everyone will pass it on to anyone who has ever said they are worried that the Affordable Care Act (ie Obamacare) will make any of us 'pull the plug on Grandma.'"

She has first hand experience with this, having gone from private insurance to Medicaid because one of her twins was born disabled. So, please, read it:

Rick Santorum's Babies

Thursday, March 01, 2012

That's Our Lindsay!

Lindsay Lohan is back! If by back we mean being interviewed about what she wants to do with her life. Listen, I get it - addiction is a hell of a thing. And with parents like hers, I'd probably be hunting for the nearest crackpipe too. But actually, everyone's had some shitty things happen in their lives, and I can say with certainty not many of them will ever have the opportunities Lindsay Lohan had and STILL has. I think she can turn her life around and I'll bet you if she stays sober, she gets decent acting work eventually. She'll have to find a place to store her new cheeks and inflatable lips, but other than that she's a very beautiful girl with a lot of talent. What gets me, however, is how out of touch she is with the fact that everyone does things they don't necessarily want to do to survive. It's called responsibility and work. Here are her thoughts on this crazy thing called "work":

"I just want to kind of just work like for a certain... I want to be able to work to the point where, I can just like go on a vacation with my family or I can you know, I can... and then have the premieres and be happy for that."

And what, exactly, is she doing now? Because the last time I checked, all she does is go to parties, sometimes do community service and stop by the court for her occasional probation hearing. Sounds like the good life to me. Also, yes, what she said is the definition of work. She wants to work so that she can - get this - GO ON A VACATION. As opposed to every other person who is on vacation all the time, oh, no, wait, that's just Lindsay.

The crackiness begins at 3:40:

It's Age

Justin Bieber turns 18 the day before I turn 36. Coincidence? Or am I TWICE THE BIEBER? I always knew there was a part of me that's Canadian. Turns out that part must also be a young pop star who is sleeping with an older woman.

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