A day by day and often hourly account of a temp

Monday, December 31, 2007

Guilt Trip

I've been giving my co-workers a hard time about what I might be allergic to. Now whenever they ask me to do something like take a call or if they even just walk by I say morosely, "Maybe that's what I'm allergic to..." It was funny the first ten times but now they're getting quite sick of me. It won't, however, stop me from doing it.

The Best of 2007

Alright guys, it's the end of the year and that means poll time.

What Would Mel Gibson Do?

This is a funny game my co-worker just sent me.

Warning- NSFWIYWIAJOLID (Not Safe For Work If You Work In A Jewish Office Like I Do)

Jesus Camp

If you ever want to sit in front of your TV frozen with your mouth agape, watch this documentary called Jesus Camp. Let's just say it's about these kids that are sent to get the sin smacked out of them so they can get to prayin'. The woman who runs the place condemns science and blesses the powerpoint machine before use so that the evil spirits won't make it break in the middle of the presentation.

What A Weekend!

Wow, things sure got crizazay this weekend. First of all, Thursday I ended up in a hospital via a nice ambulance ride due to an allergic reaction to I don't know what. Long story short my throat almost completely closed up and I had to get the shot of adrenaline, just like Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction, except it wasn't in my heart and Urge Overkill didn't underscore the three block ride to Lenox Hill hospital which by the way is the best hospital ever. I got my own room and TV and spent all day chilling on a bed on the company dime. Pretty sweet. They finally let me out at 6 PM and I went home with a prescription for steroids, the name of an allergist and a spanking new pair of Epi-Pens.

The next day I went to a wedding in lovely Cape May, NJ which is a cross between a small beachside town and a young girl's dollhouse set. It is actually the National Award winner for "Best Painted Town". We had our own house and it was pretty cool. Plus I was on steroids so I was feeling totally buff and awesome. Unfortunately I had a bit of what is called the old "Roid Rage" and ended up bludgeoning all of my housemates while they slept. No, I'm just kidding!!! But I thought about it.

Anyway, I am back and feeling a lot better. And I'm going to an awesome New Year's party tonight will all of my friends!

So really the question is- anyone want to buy some black market adrenaline?

Thursday, December 27, 2007


I am officially a YouTube whore. No, not like that kind! I got this awesome camera for Christmas that takes video so I will now bore you with videos of my dog not really doing anything impressive other than being cute. Enjoy.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Design This

I've spent the last hour designing my bedroom.

What Time Is It

I just want to go home and play with my toys.


Oh, I hate it when this dog does an impersonation of me.

No Thanks

If you couldn't tell from my last post, I'm still drunk hungover from last night's Jesus's birth shenanigans. So I really want some udon. Again with the udon, I know! So I'm adding a sushi roll to my order when I see they have the option to "add natto". I don't know what "natto" is but I goddamn well know how to google so I do and this picture shows up and now I want to barf.

Rap It Up

I'm gone for a few days and a freaking tiger with a "history of violence" escapes the zoo and kills someone. Jesus Christ. Oh, it was his birthday yesterday, speaking of which. Jesus, not the tiger.

Anyway, here's Bindi Irwin rapping about animals.

Friday, December 21, 2007


If this snowman really were an American that deer would have been shot by now.

I'm Shot

Hey! A Shot At Love, the same show that brought you Tila Tequila is casting for season 2 but with a different celebrity! You can apply online by answering a few simple questions. Let's fill it out, shall we?

1. Stereotype yourself: Are you a player? Hopeless romantic? Shy girl?:

I am a shy hopeless romantic who loves to play. I'm up for everything. Especially love.

2. Do you have any body art? Piercing? Tattoos?:

Yeah, wanna see? Ha, ha! No, seriously, I have a dragon tattoo on my lower back and the Chinese symbol for hope on my neck.

3. Quickly describe your dating life. Do you date often? Go out or Hang out?:

A nymphomaniacal exhibitionist like myself doesn't really need to date. But I like the beach.

4. When was the last time you were really in love? Were you the heart breaker or heart broken?:

I fell for a man on the TV show Eliminidate. He was wonderful but he cut me after ten minutes.

5. If you could date any celebrity, who would it be? Why?:

a. the one on this show, b. because I love him/her.

6. What do you do for fun? Hobbies?:

I work with special needs homeless pets in New Orleans.

7. Quickly break down your typical weekend.:

After a water balloon fight with my housemates, I take my clothes off and go skinnydipping.

8. Why look to T.V. for love?:

The internet is too impersonal.

Are We There Yet?

My belly is full with udon, I've solved several crises here at work, taken out more cash for my boss and now I'm ready to go home.


I have has the craziest craving for udon soup today. I thought about it last night, I thought about it this morning on the delayed F train, and it was still on the brain as I sashayed my way into the office. I mentioned it to a co-worker and she was like, holy shit, udon. Right? Doesn't that sound great?

Thursday, December 20, 2007


"They can put a man on the moon but they can't invent a puppy just for Christmas."

- (some comedian whose name I forgot)

I'm trying to convince my co-worker to adopt a dog. I mean, check this out.

Resting Time

Today has been crazier than a rat in a tin shithouse. I've written about million holiday cards and put different increments of money in them for every single maintenance/door person in the building. My bosses are scrambling around the office to finish things before they take very long vacations in very hot climates, one of the gifts I bought online isn't getting delivered in time for Christmas (sorry Lawyergirl) and I can't stop eating chocolate. Who wants to siphon whiskey into my mouth this evening?

Chocolate Rain

Wow. Based on a colossal holiday gift our company just received, there is going to be some serious re-gifting going on on my part.

Security Detail

I'm about to withdraw $17,700 in $50's and $20's at the bank down the street. Please don't mug me.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Frum The Heart

My co-workers and I were talking about weird dating sites. I mean there's Amish dating, Korean dating, and now... Frumster. Frum is another word for Orthodox Jews and until now, the only way to meet a mate was to stay within your immediate community. Now you can search several, even dozens of blocks away.

I'm sorry, was that kind of offensive.

Commercial Break

Ah, the old times.


I've been thinking a lot about this writer's strike. When your union is on strike you actually have to go there and march, preferably outside the studio you work in. But what happens when my union goes on strike? You see, I belong to the Screen Actors Guild, and allegedly our union is striking in a few months. Where will I strike? Outside of my non-existent acting job?

A Baby

The biggest news story of the day is not that Britney Spears' 16 year old sister is pregnant, it's that she DOESN'T KNOW HOW IT HAPPENED. Actual quote from her: "It was a shock for both of us, so unexpected," Oh my god. Does that mean you didn't have sex? Somebody get this girl an anatomy model of a uterus, stat.

That's the thing about the Spears family. Do you know "Spears" is actually a stage name? Here's the true story.

Many years ago, Britney's mom walked into this agent's office and said, "I have an act that will blow your mind. First, I've got a very talented daughter. She'll be a pop icon, sing halfway decently, and when she's 16 she's going to get a boob job and become a young sex symbol. But wait... it gets better. After a few years she'll lose her mind, marry some dude for 55 hours, get divorced, pick up a nice cocaine addiction and marry a useless and mildly retarded backup dancer with two children who were born with fetal alcohol syndrome from a previous relationship. And then after two more kids born 9 months apart, they get divorced, she goes to rehab three times, shaves her head, beats a car with an umbrella, gets high on vicodin and tequila minutes before she performs live on the VMA's, and right after that her 16 year old sister gets mysteriously pregnant."

The agent says, "Wow. What do you call yourselves?"

"The Aristocrats!"

"How about 'Spears'?"


Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Game Time

Okay, TMZ has a camera live outside of my office. At exactly 3:50, I will be outside and wave.


OK, did anyone see me? I had a nice conversation with the TMZ camera people. They actually act like real paparazzi. "C'mon! Wave for us!" So I put my coat over my head and ran them over with my Porche.


I've said it before and I'll say it again. There's nothing cuter than a fucking Bassett Hound puppy.

Fun With Legos

This is hilarious- it's an interpretation with Legos of one of comedian Eddie Izzard's jokes.

It's Just Like Food

My building had a "Holiday Buffet" and it took place on a floor that was still under construction. Or maybe I mistook the "fake snow on the beams" for asbestos.

Shake It Up

My dear friend, let's call him "Matthew", threw a huge surprise party for his wife "Sam" this weekend. It was incredible. There was an open bar, everyone was dressed to the nines, the food was wonderful and it's always great to hang out with my friends. So naturally, the conversation turned to vibrators.

Have you heard of this one? It's a programmable vibrator. You can actually set it depending on if you're in the mood to take your time, or if you'd like, there's the option of "quickie". You can even program it to fall asleep immediately or sneak out at 2 AM without leaving a note.

Monday, December 17, 2007


I don't know if you've ever had to catch the last 5 minutes of Deck The Halls, the Matthew Broderick/Danny DeVito vehicle about two families or something. I have. I don't want to give away the ending but let's just say that when Danny DeVito's family tries to turn the switch on their house the neighbors helped decorate because he wants to be able to have the first house visible from outer space (true), and it doesn't work, everyone feels bad, but then that chick from Wicked starts to sing a song and people hold their cellphones up to create light, and everyone's smiling and waving their cellphones, and then some kid's like, "Wait a minute, we forgot to plug it it!" and at the risk of electrocution he plugs in the lights and the astronauts can see the house. Really.

New Year

Resolutions, resolutions resolutions!!!

Now is the time people. I normally don't do New Year's resolutions because well, they're dumb, but rules are made to be broken so why the hell not!

I think this year I'm going to be a bit more active politically. On a serious note, we're on very dangerous ground these days, and it's made worse by the majority of our country's passivity. For example, look at the transit fare hike- it's kind of outrageous seeing as how the MTA admitted embezzling, I mean, losing a bunch of money that was in the surplus. It's kind of like that few billions of dollars we misplaced in Iraq that no one seems to care about. Well, what if we the riders did an all city boycott of the MTA? It might work- can you imagine?

Man, I'm gonna need a bigger soapbox.

In Your Stars

And now, horoscopes!

(21 March-20 April)
Do something unexpectedly nice for someone today. Not only will it make their day, but it will solve that little problem you have as well.

Taurus (21 April-21 May)
Someone will be unexpectedly nice to you today. As a result, you may make a crucial relationship decision.

Gemini (22 May-22 June)
Your loved one will make a crucial relationship decision.

Cancer (23 June-23 July)
Recommend a new website today to friends. Like Blackjack.com or YouPorn.

Leo (24 July-23 August)
Today would be the wrong day to view gambling and porn sites at work. It could lead to a very embarrassing situation.

Virgo (24 August-23 September)
A recording you aren’t proud of might end up being viewed by many.

Libra (24 September-23 October)
Jesus, that’s my sister.

Scorpio (24 October-22 November)
I swear, I didn’t give that tape to anyone.

Sagittarius (23 November-22 December)
Stay away from a meddling co-worker. Remember, office gossip isn’t good.

Capricorn (23 December-19 January)
Find out where Sheila from accounting slept last night.

Aquarius (20 January-19 February)
Today would be a good day to call an old friend.

Pisces (20 February-20 March)
Don’t pick up the phone.


Ladies and gentlemen, this is my 1,000th post and the one year anniversary of Tempy. I was trying to think of the best way to celebrate, and I think I want to take the time to honor those that inspire me. You, bloggers of the universe, websites with puppies and kitties and celebs. Some of you I know, some of you I don't, but I'd like to take the time to imagine that in this age of cyber anonymity, who would you be based solely by your blog? How would people think of you and better yet, how would you look?

I've taken the time to picks some of my favorite bloggers, and imagine who they really might be.

G-Strings For Orphans


Cute Overload


Adventures In Brooklyn

Friday, December 14, 2007

There's A Reason It's Called Acting

Well, off to my audition for a PSA for the Partnership for a Drug Free America.

And somewhere, my dealer from college is laughing.

Pizza Party!!!

This girl in our office ordered pizza and thereby declared it was a pizza party, and it's just her in the conference room and I've never seen anything sadder.

Let's Get Cerebral

You know what time it is...

Crossword puzzle!!! Print this out and make a day of it.





















5. This guy wants to rub you with a falafel
6. What TV show was Tempy's dog almost on?
7. Oprah's new "It" boy
9. This is the hottest anchor on NY1
11. Someone who doesn't update their blog is called this
13. Go on this website to find pictures of puppies
14. Adventures in where?
15. These are who the G-Strings are for
16. Female boss's nickname
17. What is the name of Tempy when she is working at a bar
18. It swings, but it's not JQ


1. Want a picture of a flying tree squirrel? Go here.
2. Abortion is the biggest threat to America according to these guys
3. I just got licensed to be this
4. Nickname of my old cubicle neighbor
8. America's favorite polar bear
10. Mitt Romney! You're such a _____________!!!
12. This was the corporation where Tempy was born

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