Presents! Yay!

Dear Santa,

Thank you so much for the early gift this morning. I really love it. What's even better is that it ALWAYS seems like I get my period right before Christmas. I was thinking it might be nice one year not to get it, but you know, in the good way not get it, not the whoops way. What do you think? Anyway, thanks again, it's great.

Love,

Tempy


Dear Tempy,

I got your letter and even though I'm pretty fucking busy I read it because it was from you so I thought, yeah, she's been so good this year I can squeeze one last gift in. But then I get this patronizing shitball request and seriously? First of all, I got one reindeer down with the flu, two elves on strike and Mrs. Claus has been up in my business about some thing I said about her ass five months ago and she's decided to bring it up this week so if you EXCUSE me I've got a lot going on. Congrats on your rag- I passed this on to Mother Nature.

Best,

Santa


Dearest Moon-Child,

Oh, love and fruitful joy! Nature! Ah... I love to smell you live.

I received this letter from Mr. St. Nick and I am so glad you are flowing with the tides, my earth woman friend.

As for the timing I see here that you are taking a human made synthetic no baby pill called Ortho Cyclen and as such, that may be why your natural fertile cushion is being released at certain times!

Love,

Mother Nature


Dear Tempy,

Ortho Cyclen contains a combination of female hormones that prevent ovulation (the release of an egg from an ovary). Ortho Cyclen also causes changes in your cervical mucus and uterine lining, making it harder for sperm to reach the uterus and harder for a fertilized egg to attach to the uterus.

Serious as well as minor side effects have been reported with the use of oral contraceptives. Serious risks, which can be life threatening, include blood clots, stroke and heart attacks, and are increased if you smoke cigarettes. Cigarette smoking increases the risk of serious cardiovascular side effects, especially if you are over 35. Women who use oral contraceptives are strongly advised not to smoke. Some women should not use the Pill, including women who have blood clots, certain cancers, a history of heart attack or stroke, as well as those who are or may be pregnant. The Pill does not protect against HIV or sexually transmitted diseases.

Happy Holidays,

Ortho-McNeil-Janssen Pharmaceuticals, Inc.