Who's There

Okay, this is an old one but worth a re-post as they won the 2007 MySpace Short Film Award. And yes, I used to work in a restaurant with one of the guys. They are pretty freaking funny. This is one of my favorite sketches of all time.

The Animal Train

Last night I was on the subway when an old homeless guy with a huge cart bustles in and sits down next to me. Everyone else moved because he kind of smelled bad but there was something non-threatening about the guy. Next thing you know, he pulls a huge wad of cash out- 10's, 5's and 1's, and starts counting. He's got like, hundreds of dollars on him.

Just when you thought it couldn't get any weirder, this guy gets on with a dachshund and stands next to me. It was really cute and it was sniffing me and I was petting it when the homeless guy to us and says, "Hey doggie, wanna see something? I got something here for you." That's when he unzipped his coat and revealed a beautiful cat sleeping happily on his chest. The dog starts craning its neck over me on one end to get a good sniff, the cat wakes up and stretches lazily toward the dog on the other end. Everyone else was freaked out but man, it was pretty cute. That $100 homeless guy was alright. Unlike the jerks who carry stray cats around to get more money this guy just loved his cat and you could tell the cat was rather fond of him too.

Bad Dog

What do you think this puppy did?

a. Pee on the floor
b. Forget the command for "roll over"
c. Bring a country into war under false pretenses
d. Had the audacity to not have hope
e. Nothing, but he's about to bite your fucking face off

Let's Get Nerdy

Who loves trivia? I do! As most of you know I used to help run a trivia night at my old bar. These were sent to me today. Who would like to take a crack at these?

1. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?

2. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for
several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every
year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?

3. Only three words in Standard English begin with the letters "dw" and
they are all common words. Name two of them.

4. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at
least half of them?

5. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned,
processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.

6. What do you think of me? No, really... what do you guys think of me.

Phone Call #9

Ring Ring

Me: Hello, (Company Name).

Phone Voice: Hello, is (Bosslady) there?

Me: No, may I take a message?

PV: Yes, just tell her it's Elliot Spitzer.

Me: OK.

Beary Beary Sleepy

I feel like this right now:

Ok, Say Aaaaah

I don't have a kid, but if I did, I'd probably want to take it to a doctor. And not just any doctor. I've heard great things about this place. Too bad I don't live in Arlington, because really, that's the only thing that's preventing me from visiting this fine establishment.

Travel Plans

Well, it's official. I am going to Minnesota. I made my plane reservation today. I am super psyched about going to my 10 year 5 year college high school reunion, but I always forget about the plane factor, as in, there is one. Don't get me wrong, I know flying is fairly safe and all, but I always get nervous when I have to fly a tiny plane, which is the case in my return trip. But don't you worry my friends, I do plan on taking a picture of me standing next to the stall where Senator Larry Craig tapped his way into history at the Minneapolis/St. Paul International Airport. Right after I get a picture of me riding the log flume at Camp Snoopy in the Mall of America. For those of you unfamiliar with this, there is a freaking amusement park right in the center of one of the biggest malls in the world. It's... one of the reasons I went to school there.

Oh man, now I'm getting excited.

Miley

My boss wanted me to make a personalized mug with Miley Cyrus on it for her kids, but then the "scandal" broke. So I sent her this as a new possibility:

Sea It

Hey! Do you guys know what this is?

a. A colossal squid
b. The Loch Ness crab
c. Something that made me lose my appetite
d. I don't know, but I bet you a million dollars it will be hanging from the ceiling of the Museum of Natural History soon

Fame

I just met my boss's biggest fan. He works for a big real estate company in the building whose name starts with "C" and rhymes with "orcoran". Anyway, a while back he saw her in the elevator and freaked out. Later she received a note from him, so she had me write a note back. As a joke I wrote - "Dear ----, It was a pleasure meeting someone other than my mother who watches the show," etc. She loved it and so I went to hand deliver it to the guy. Let's just say he gave me the same reception as if I were the first hand man to the Pope, no joke.

On an unrelated note, my boss loved the dress I wore on Friday so much, I am lending it to her to wear on the show.

Recommendation

OK you guys, BIG ANNOUNCEMENT. Run, don't walk, to buy Kashi's Malted Chocolate Crisp™ bars. Seriously. I was at the health food store yesterday in an attempt to buy something sweet to go with my sweet pec blasting workout and there it was. It tastes like a big chewy chocolate malt ball, but it has like, 153 grams of protein or something like that. No, trust me on this.

Animal Love

I finally got my ASPCA membership starter pack yesterday. It came with an orange Lance Armstrong-like bracelet that said "Petstrong" or something like that, an oversized XXXXXXXL shirt with some logo, and a photo of the dog I am sponsoring. He is a young retriever mix named Rusty.

Now as most of you know, I joined after seeing that freaking commercial with Sarah McLachlan and the one-eyed animals over and over again. Please- take my monthly $18 and buy that critter an eye patch.

So just when I thought that's all I received, (and don't get me wrong, I'm glad I'm sponsoring an animal), there was a knock at my door.

It was Sarah McLachlan.

Before I could even speak she gingerly put one finger on my lips and said, "Shhhhhhhh..." as she let herself in. She then turned around and began singing "Angel" acapella. It was so beautiful and I cried. We hugged and then she thanked me for being a sponsor. It was worth the 3 month wait. Thank you, ASPCA and thank you, Sarah McLachlan.

But then she turned to my dog, took his sweet face in her hands, and started singing her sexually charged hit, "Posession" and then it got... really weird, and Jesse looked really uncomfortable so I kicked the freaky bitch out.

Rrrreow

Hey, boys. Yeah, I'm talking to you. Ever thought about dating a cougar? Here's the definition thanks to Urban Dictionary:

"Cougar: An older woman who frequents clubs in order to score with a much younger man. The cougar can be anyone from an overly surgically altered wind tunnel victim, to an absolute sad and bloated old horn-meister, to a real hottie or milf. Cougars are gaining in popularity -- particularly the true hotties -- as young men find not only a sexual high, but many times a chick with her shit together."

Yeah, that's right. Well for my younger male fans, and I know there are many of you, your prayers have been answered with this dating site- DateACougar.com.

Thank you, Gmail "suggested sites". Now I'm going to read my Gmail "funny quote of the day" and find out about foreclosure mistakes. I love refreshing my Gmail page.

Madame Tempy

And now, horoscopes!

Aries (March 21-April 19). Today will be difficult because you will be given tasks that you don’t want to do. But if you do them, the person who gave them to you will be happy. If you don’t do them, that person will be upset.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). Being the sign of the “bull”, maybe it’s about time you stopped being an asshole.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). Things are looking up! Too bad you’re a racist.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). Your sign coincides with a tragic disease that kills millions every year. Today you will find true love!

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). Hey there, wild child, no matter how much you drink tonight please remember that you are not indestructible. Well, maybe a little.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). This is your time to shine! Be the change you want to be in the world, don’t judge a book by its cover and remember, a bird in the hand is worth two in the horse’s mouth.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22). You are the sign of the scales. Which is a gentle reminder that you should moisturize. Today might be a good day to start doing that. Tonight you will find true love!

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21). There really is no easy way to say this but yes, yes he is cheating on you.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). No matter how many times you’ve won some change in a slot machine, you are not “The Gambler” Kenny Rogers sings about. This is a metaphor for whatever is going on in your life.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). Today would be a good day to cut the blue wire instead of the yellow wire when diffusing that bomb! This, unfortunately, is not a metaphor.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Hey, stop procrastinating! Be kind to someone today. Take some time out for yourself. Remember that life is fleeting. Stop and smell the flowers. Today might be a good day to confront that co-worker. A get-together with friends does wonders to alleviate your stress! Tonight you will find true love, and tomorrow you will lose it.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). Being a water sign, you flow through life with grace and dignity. Construction workers like your dress and your blog is hilarious.

All Dressed Up

Hey! I'm wearing a dress today! Guess who noticed?! If you said every construction worker within a 5 mile vicinity, you'd be right!!!

The Final Five

And now, let's take a moment with one of the American Idol finalists!

"Hi! I'm David Archuleta! I'm actually 23 but father says I should say I'm 17. He gives me human stunting hormones. They're like human growth hormones but just the opposite. My vocal secret? Drink hot tea! I like girls. I want to take all of you to my prom! Aw, stop cheering, you're making me blush! Father makes me practice 20 hours a day. If I don't he'll get very angry. No one wants father to be angry. No one.

Will you be my valentine? XOXO,

David"

Bring It Down a Notch

My downstairs neighbor died yesterday. When I got home from work I found ambulances, cops, detectives, etc. There was an investigation only because the way he died was kinda strange. He had heart problems but they found him outside the building in the front yard stairwell that leads to the basement. There's rail guards around so he would have had to walk around to get to the stairs, which he would have no reason to do, and yet he was found dead at the bottom of the steps. It's really sad. Of course the cops ruled out foul play but it took a while to gather evidence, etc. which meant that they couldn't move his body until hours later, like, 9:30 at night.

Anyway, it was really upsetting. I have to say though, this man led a great life. I'd see him every day in his boxer shorts, wifebeater, cigar and the most perfectly crafted handlebar mustache you've ever seen. He was always happy. Maybe it's because he smoked a lot of weed; I'd be pretty happy too. So, goodbye, friend. I'll try to keep an eye on the building for you and make sure Crazy Pants stays on her medication.

OK the next post will be a lot happier, I promise.

Adventures in Politics

An empty bar somewhere in the south.

Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama are in a heated discussion. Clinton has clearly been drinking.

Obama: Hillary, put the rifle down.

Clinton: (brandishing a Winchester) Shaddap! Don come any clossser or I'll pull a Cheney!

Obama: Hil...

Clinton: I'm warning you, (takes a swig from a can of Natty Light), I'll shoot you like that duck I shot onccce with my father.

Obama: Hil, you told me that was a sparrow and it was an accident and you cried for 2 days.

Clinton: Don tell me wha to do! I'm an Ameeeeerican. Look, I drink beer an I have a rifffle.

Obama: Hil, you're drunk.

Clinton: Drunk on POWER!

Obama: No, drunk on Wild Irish Rose and Natty Light. Now come on. Put the rifle down and take my hand.

Clinton: (pointing rifle at Obama) I'm warning you, I'll ssssshoot!

Obama: Hillary, that's not a real gun. It a videogame called Buckhunter. Now, just... put it down. You're out of quarters and I think you need to go to bed.

Clinton: Not until you say you are looooosing in the popular vote if I count Michigan, Florida and Antarctica.

Obama: There was no primary in Antarctica.

Clinton: (whispering) Yesss there was but it was a sssecret... *hic*

Obama: (helping her out the door) OK, sunshine. Out we go.

Clinton: Nobody loves me.

Obama: Time for nite nite.

Clinton: I want a Morningstar veggie burger.

Obama: We can arrange that.

Clinton: I hate the South.

Obama: I know.

Clinton: And black people.

Obama: Let's just... get you home.

Here Kitty

My friend Sharda went to college in California where everyone smoked a lot of pot. There was a stray cat on campus that the students fed and took care of, and by "feed" I mean "give acid to" and by "took care of" I mean "blew pot smoke in its ears". Needless to say the cat became a crack whore, begging for food and drugs outside this one building called Mason Hall. The cat then became to be known as the Mason Cat.

I never met the Mason Cat, but I think if he had a home he'd look somewhat like this.

Have Some More Pizza, Kid

I'm making invites to the party I will be crashing at Chuck E Cheese.

Bosslady: Looks good... Hey, do you think Chuck E Cheese is a pedophile?

Me: Oh, yes.

BL: Hmmmm.

MAJOR UPDATE

After all my bitching and moaning my co-workers threw me an impromptu Administrative Professionals Day party! I got an ice cream cake, flowers, a balloon and bath gel!!! Thank you, Hallmark for creating this spectacular day! I'm going to go eat my cake, take a bath, stare at my balloon and smell some flowers.

Tie One On

If you have ever had the chance to be around a shredder like I have, you may see some of the warning signs on them. Here's ours:



I'm guessing that means no paper clips, hair, ties, hands or circles. Now the no clips, hands or circles, that makes sense. But the other ones bother me. No hair... hmmm. That means someone once got too close to the shredder. OK, I get it. But the tie, there's just no excuse for. That means some asshole somewhere thought it'd be funny to put his tie in the shredder while he was still wearing it. Like, the wacky tie guy in the office. Everyone has those.

Today

Today is Administrative Professionals Day! Formerly Secretary's Day, finally a day to celebrate Me. Did anyone in the office remember? No. All I got, after I announced to everyone in the office that it was my day, was a lousy cupcake accidentally added on to someone's food order. It's vanilla with chocolate icing. I don't want it but I'm sure Lynne will. She loves chocolate on top of vanilla.

Extatic

So as most of you know I went to the Tim and Eric show last night and nothing really sums up the crowd better than this craigslist posting. I had the pleasure of going with a friend I haven't seen in ages since the friend I see too much bailed on me. It was freaking fantastic; my cheeks still hurt from laughing so hard.

The best part was when we randomly ran into some friends- well, it wasn't that random since we knew they were going to be there. One of them was the guy who sometimes walks my dog! It was overall a lovely evening. Oh, and to The Guy Who Was On Extacy And Talked My Ear Off For Ten Minutes During The Show? Thanks. Thanks so much. I really enjoyed hearing about how much you love Tim and Eric. No, I wish you hadn't finally stopped talking to me. Really. You had a lot of interesting things to say and I retained it all.

I Prefer Cool Whip

Hey you guys! Check out the latest casting notice for Law & Order!

Role	Role Type	Gender/Age/Ethnicities	Description/Note
Hot Spring Break types for a photo	Extra	Male or Female / 19 to 25 / All Ethnicities, AfricanAm, Am-Indian, Asian, Caucasian, East-Ind, Hispanic, MidEastern, Mixed, PacificIsland	Seeking a HOT girl to portray a 21 year old spring breaker in a bikini that is comfortable possibly licking whip cream off another girl and also seeking 5 HOT guys possibly shirtless that are buff and able to portray 18 to 24 spring breakers. It works TODAY!

Gotta go make a phone call!

It's Work

I can't believe I have a file for Chuck E Cheese.

Dear Katie

I wonder what the best way is to tell Dancing at Gunpoint that my friend is bailing and I have an extra Tim and Eric ticket? This might be the best way.

This Just In

The BBC, the world's gayest network, just announced a new study that claims masturbating cuts the risk of prostate cancer. Something about "keeping the pipes clean". I don't know about you, but maybe you could also try marrying a woman who actually wants to have sex with you. Coincidentally, the "study" was done by this creepy drifter:

Tempy's Average Blog OK Job

I'm seeing the awesome comedy show tonight starring the infamous Tim and Eric! You might know them from Tom Goes to the Mayor or Tim and Eric's Awesome Show Great Job. I'm going directly from work. What's a girl to wear? My office is very casual dress so I have to find the right balance between I'm-Cool-And-Don't-Work-For-The-Man and I-Understand-Acceptable-Fashion-Boundaries-In-The-Workplace. I finally found the perfect balance I think.

And Make it Snappy

Hey, place we ordered from two hours ago, I don't care that the delivery guy got hit by a cab and is in the hospital. I want my goddamn sushi.

Who Knew

I just got an invite to see a show based on the FBI investigation of the song, "Louie Louie" by the Kingsmen. Really- there was an FBI investigation because of "obscene lyrics". Tipper Gore, ironically, at the age of 10, was the first to spot them.

So what were these "obscene" lyrics? I was able to find an exclusive copy:

"Fuck tha police
Comin straight from the underground
Young nigga got it bad cuz I'm brown
And not the other color so police think
They have the authority to kill a minority

Louie Louie, Louie Louie.

Fuck that shit, cuz I ain't tha one
For a punk muthafucka with a badge and a gun
To be beatin on, and throwin in jail
We could go toe to toe in the middle of a cell

Louie Louie, Louie Louie.

Fuckin with me cuz I'm a teenager
With a little bit of gold and a pager
Searchin my car, lookin for the product
Thinkin every nigga is sellin narcotics

Louie Louie."

That's How He Roll

So I'm walking with my bag of laundry yesterday when I see this procession going up Clinton Ave. All my super Italian neighbors were outside and they were joking, "Ha ha, it's the f@#king pope." Close.

IT WAS THE POPEMOBILE.

I mean it was empty but I guess they transport it through side streets like in my quiet little neighborhood. If you want proof, I googled it this morning. Check it out here and here.

It's What I Do

First task today- organize a party for 40 children at Chuck E Cheese in the Bronx. Goddamn right. I might have to do some on site research there later if you know what I mean. Who's with me?

New Breed

And this is how the new species of dogcat was formed.

Holy

The pope just drove by and my co-workers saw him. It's pretty crazy in this hood right now.

Well This Is Awkward

Well color me embarrassed!

I emailed my friend Jonah to ask him for a reminder date about a barbecue and when he told me I just emailed back, "snizzle!" Like as in, "for rizzle" or "that's the shizzle". Okay, so I just made it up. Here's what he sent back:

"um.... i wasn't sure what snizzle meant.

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=snizzle

Snizzle: A clean shaven, tight and ripe young vagina. When bent over the snizzle replicates the look of a freshly sliced Freestone peach.

Snizzle ceases to exist around the age of 25 years old, often younger. At which point becomes a Frazzle."

Thanks, Jonah. I'll never make up words again.

So Fresh and So Clean

Hey, do you guys know what a shower is?

The guy sitting next to me on the train did not. Oh, and it wasn't Brad Pitt. Someone informed me last night that Brad Pitt doesn't like to shower. When it was pointed out to her that you don't need to shower every day, she just shook her head and said, "Ball sweat is ball sweat."

Anyway, what was I saying? Oh, yes, the guy next to me. Seriously, there are few things worse on a crowded subway than the guy with the body odor. Oh, wait I know! How about the guy with the body odor who just kept staring at my tits? I know they're magnificent, but really.

On a side note, I am going to play hookey and catch some sun in Central Park today if anyone wants to join me. Me, my magnificent tits, and the residual BO on my shirt.

Travel Plans

What has two thumbs and is walking home over the bridge today? This guy.

No, HAH-nUh

Thanks, Daily Puppy, for bringing the crazy. This is what the owners wrote about their dog:

"My name is Hana. My mommy and daddy saved me and named me after a pretty word in Japanese that means 'flower.' Many people try to call me Hannah, but I am actually 'Hah-nuh.'"

Hey Guys

Hi! I'm Flocke the baby polar bear! I live in the Nuremberg Zoo all by myself. My captors rescued me after my mother started acting all weird and her best friend ate two of her own cubs. Flocke means snowflake in German. I like corn syrup!

The nice zoo director Dr. Dag Encke recently said, "The shit of one polar bear has created more fuss in the news channels than quite a few hurricanes." I like to play. My mother's name is Vera and when I rejoin her in the compound, she will not recognize me because in the polar bear world, once the mother-child attachment is broken, it cannot be re-established. Look at me climbing a rock!


Another famous polar bear cub that was also rejected from its mother is Knut. Knut is now older and ugly. I also hear he has a raging crystal meth addiction and is turning tricks in Munich. I eat milk.

Life 'n Style

Okay, I know this is an easy topic to riff on, but I really need to talk about it. Last night I was hanging out with a bunch of my good friends when one in particular, let's just call him "Jon Q.", walks in. We were talking, joking, exchanging pleasantries when all of a sudden my eyes trailed downward for some reason (natch) and there they were.

Skinny jeans.

Now, I'm not opposed to different style choices or trying new things in general but these were... really skinny.

My overall theory is that unless you are under the age of 22, have a drug habit and are in a band, you probably shouldn't wear skinny jeans. And dammit, my friend is not 22. I love him dearly and I think if anyone can pull it off it's him. It's just that... they were really skinny and, uh, I don't really know what else to say.

Sophisticated

This "artist" is currently causing a small riot outside our building because she is shopping next door.

I just spent the better part of the afternoon shopping for birthday cards for a bunch of 7 year olds. The problem is, every card is either made for a two year old (Elmo!) or for your drunken uncle. I'm serious- every card I opened has tits and dick jokes. There'd be like, a potentially decent card with a golf club on it like, To my Son," and you opened it up and pop-up boobies would be flying out at you all, "Whaaaaaaaaaa! Titties! Golf and titties! Birthday!" So at the risk of looking like a freaking pedophile, (which I hear the new Pope is not fond of, by the way,) I finally found a few stupid ones.

But that leads me to a new challenge- here is the face of a card. Make up your own inside birthday message based on the picture. The worse, the better. Here's a few.


"HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Have a ball!"

"Don't BITE off more than you can CHEW on your BIRTHDAY! Like, as in CAKE! You know, when you BITE the CAKE like this PUPPY is BITING that BALL!"

"Happy birthday to a bitch who loves to suck on my balls."

"Penis!"

"Hey, the only thing in common with you and that puppy on your birthday is that you both don't have a JOB! Happy Birthday!"

Literary

What has two thumbs and might get a letter published in Metro NY? "Might" is the operative word in that sentence.

Code Word

Bosslady: You know what I need you to start doing for me?

Me: What?

BL: This is embarrassing.

Me: Um...

BL: I need you to interrupt me during meeting so I can leave them.

Me: Oh, that's easy.

BL: Just come in and give me a note and if I want to stay I'll stay and if I want to leave I can use that as an excuse. You know... the note can say whatever you want.

Me: Whatever I want?

BL: Sure, get creative.

Me: Please don't tell me that.

Oh man... I can't wait for the next meeting.

Did I Mention

I am so glad they have an express line at the post office for prepaid return receipts. And I am so glad my bosses didn't know that so I could spend the rest of the afternoon shopping. I am sad, however, that this year's fashions are fug-tastic.

Some Cheer

As you all know, I'm here for you. And if you are having a busy day like I am, you'll need a little pick me up. Look, a kitten!


Two minutes after this picture was taken the kitten ate that plastic duck, suffocated and died. So when you think life's tough, just thank god you're not that kitten.

A Thought

The IRS should change its name from "IRS" to "I Eat Ponies And Kill Dreams."

Can You Hear Me Now?

Hey! Have you ever spent your morning at the Verizon store? NO? Oh, man, let me tell you- there's nothing like standing somewhere for an hour while five people are huffing and puffing behind you and all the only woman working the counter is doing is typing. What, I don't know. Probably IHEARTJAREDLETO over and over again. Anyway, I highly recommend it.

The Compassion of the Forum Part Two

Backstage after the CNN "Compassion Forum"

Obama: I don't understand.

Clinton: It just can't work. We can't even agree on healthcare or wage increases.

Obama: Actually that's one of the many things we both believe in. I just have better rhetoric than you.

Clinton: Be that as it may it was... a mistake. I never should have...

Obama: Kissed me?

Clinton: Oh, Bar...

Obama: You could at least just say it. Huh. So that's the way it is. Seduced and abandoned. Like my father deserted my mother. Like the Bush administration strayed away from its core values and millions upon millions of impoverished people must struggle daily to make ends meet.

Clinton: Bar, stop it! It's just me here. Stop talking to me like you do your legions of fans!

Obama: Change.

Clinton: Bar, stop...

Obama: (leaning in) Hope.

Clinton: Bar, you are... irresistible... you know I'm weak around you.

Obama: It's just us, Hil.

Blitzer: (appearing out of nowhere, naked) I can count to three.

Clinton: Oh my god!

Obama: Jesus Christ man, put some clothes on! (pushes Wolf Blitzer out of the room and into the press room. Flashbulbs. Closes door)

Clinton: I think some people may be on to us.

Obama: Hil, for the first time ever, I think you're right.

Fun With Dobermans

Go get your bone, Pablo.

The Compassion of the Forum

Backstage at CNN's "Compassion Forum" last night.

Obama: Hey, Hil.

Clinton: Barack.

Obama: You never call me Bar anymore.

Clinton: Shut up! This is very serious. You and I... need some space.

Obama: Aw, come on. I went easy on you about that whole "sniper fire" thing.

Clinton: T...true.

Obama: And I let you get all hot and bothered about that whole "bitter" comment I made. remember that? (leans in) Bitter...

Clinton: Barack, stop ... stop it.... I

Obama: You what?

Clinton: (whips around) I'll show you some sniper fire, (kisses him full on the lips).

Obama: Oh, Hil!

Clinton: Bar!

They embrace

Wolf Blitzer: (from onstage) And now I present to you...

Clinton: Oh, this is so wrong.

Obama: That's why it's right.

Clinton: Meet me outside the spin room after.

Obama: OK.

Cross

For those of you who know my dog you know he loves him some crossing guard. Mainly because the ones in my neighborhood always have a box of cookies on them. Even when he sees anyone wearing reflective gear whether or not they have cookies, he starts to salivate and turns on the propeller tail. He even dressed as one for Halloween. Seriously, I didn't even make it, I just came home to find him wearing this:


Anyway, there's a crossing guard on our corner who Jesse sees every day. The CG actually doesn't have cookies, he just gives Jesse the precious love he doesn't get at home because I am empty inside and can neither give nor receive love (kidding- my dog gets more attention at home than Johnny Depp at a Tupperware party.) But lately there is no crossing guard. There are still children going to school and cars, but no crossing guards. Please tell me this is not another budget cut. First art and music class, now this.

Wonder Women

My female co-workers and I decided to order these and without warning, just show up to work with them on all on the same day and not say a thing about it.

New Job Opportunities

I just got this in my email. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a phone call to wait for.

Role	Role Type	Gender/Age/Ethnicities	Description/Note
RUSH CALL FOR WOMEN WHO CAN PORTRAY A HOOKER FOR TODAY!	Extra	Female / 18 to 35 / All Ethnicities, AfricanAm, Am-Indian, Asian, Caucasian, East-Ind, Hispanic, MidEastern, Mixed, PacificIsland	LOOKING FOR WOMAN WHO CAN PORTRAY A HOOKER ON LAW AND ORDER. MUST BE AVAILABLE TODAY FOR A RUSH CALL OF 4PM... PLEASE DON'T CALL US, WE'LL CALL YOU

Shopping

Today I went to H&M for a little spring shopping only to find their new line is inspired by color palette vomit in a tribute to Marimekko. What is Marimekko? Why, a Finnish company that specializes in colors, palette and vomit, of course.

It's Romantic

As I was on the train today I saw a woman reading a romance novel entitled, "Taming Natasha". Oh, man does that have so much potential. I envisioned this once-teenage runaway, now 25, working odd job to odd job to support her heroin addiction, only to find herself in the arms of businessman Trey Francois, a French Canadian who moved to the big city with his fiancee who ended up dying in a tragic fishing accident. Alone and afraid of love, Natasha turns his life upside down, but first he must make her...a lady.

Yeah.

Turns out this is what it is really about. I was close:

"Natasha Stanislaki is a young woman who moved from New York to a small West Virginia town. After being devastated by the loss of her child, she has methodically been turning down men because she didn't want to be close to anyone.

All that changes when Spencer Kimball comes into her store with his daughter Freddie. Natasha falls in love with Freddie, and falls into a wild affair with her father. Natasha finally begins to hope that she can go on with her life.

Then after a visit to her family, Natasha realizes she is once again pregnant. She tells Spencer, then disappears. Will the love Natasha has for Spencer and Freddie be enough to bring her and her unborn child home and back to them?"

Big Birthdays

I was invited to this guy's birthday party tonight. He's the actor who played Michelle Williams's love interest on Dawson's Creek, among other things. As much fun as an overcrowded club sounds, I will not be attending. Unless Pacey Whitter or Joey Potter make an appearance.

And Now...

Prepare yourselves for...

Genius Patrol

Oh man, do I ever feel like an idiot.

I was typing away, minding my own business when I realized my computer was stuck on a page. Then I'd open a tab and it would close immediately. It was like everything I tried to do would backfire and do just the opposite. Was it the mouse? The left click didn't seem to be working. I mean, this computer is no spring chicken but all of a sudden everything just stopped.

So I called the IT guy who was like, "Be right there," after I said, "My computer is going crazy!"

He gets into the office, takes one look at my computer and moves a stack of wires away from the keyboard.

"Try it now."

I was like, "Oh, so you see, when I click here..."

And it worked. Turns out there was a wire on the enter key.

Aaaaaaaand, goodnight.

These Shoes Were Made For Hamsters

This image raises so many questions and so... so few answers.

Fiction

A woman on the train was reading this today.

Notice: From the further adventures of Luke Skywalker based on the characters and situations created by George Lucas

Translation: "I wrote this in my mom's basement in between online rounds of D&D, and it is all fairly accurately based on the king himself, George Lucas, save for some slightly embellished sexual situations between Princess Lea and Han Solo."

Extra Extra

This is totally ridiculous. OK Magazine is claiming Jennifer Aniston and Orlando "I Only Film Trilogies" Bloom are an item. According to an eyewitness at some place somewhere, "I saw them in a booth next to each other and Jen was looking at Orlando like he was her favorite person in the world. She looked like she wanted to grab him and make out with him!"

Jesus Christ lady, show me one woman on this earth who doesn't want to make out with Orlando Bloom. Well except for me because I'm not into his goatee faux-tee.

Facts

I wish I could take credit for this and I normally wouldn't post something by someone else, but this is pretty interesting. This was sent to me by my doppleganger in the UK; coincidentally my doppleganger is a 45 year old rotund balding British man.

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don’t want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you’re not really my type.
4. Diner food? No thanks, I’m not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn’t it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn’t! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I’m not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won’t make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I’d hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom?

Flicks

Wanna see a movie? I hear this rocks!!!

Family

This is Daisy, one of two finalists on VH1's "Rock of Love" with Bret Michaels. She's very mannish in a tranny kind of way.


Little known fact- Daisy is the niece of boxing legend, Oscar De La Hoya who likes to dress in women's clothes. He's tranny in a mannish kind of way.

The Baby Has Two Faces

Okay, there's this baby in India who was born with two faces. But seriously, it's kind of cute.

Next Stop Funtime

What' worse- this sign on FunnySign.com



Or their logo

Tempy and the City

And now, an excerpt from one of our favorite columnists, Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and the City!

"Heeeey guys, (neigh, whinny) okay, enough horse jokes. Maxim magazine called me the most Unsexiest Woman Alive. I think that's pretty messed up but you know what? I am richer than anyone who has ever worked at that magazine and all of their advertising companies combined, so make feedbag jokes all you want- mine is filled with diamonds and riches.

Okay, so let's gab.

I've often wondered about the role of the internet in relationships these days. Years ago all you had was the phone and you were lucky if your dad let you take a call from a boy. Some of you had dads, which made you even luckier.

But the point is, I was recently asked if Mr. Big and I had broken up because we weren't listed as "In A Relationship" on Facebook. Well, I hadn't really thought of it that way. I mean, Charlotte put down "Married" but that's because she's a little crazy, and probably thinks that unless it's there, it's not true. But then I got to thinking. What if it isn't? Is my relationship defined by my Facebook page? Do those people who do not have relationship status's do so because they are alone and miserable? And if that's the case, do you think there should be an option for alone and miserable? Do I ask more questions that Donald Rumsfeld at a press conference?

So I went onto Facebook to do a little research. I found that almost half the people who are in relationships boast about it, while the other half don't list anything, even though I know they are with someone. I also know people who aren't technically with someone but are afraid to look like they are alone. Like me, for example. So I added Mr. Big on as my partner and tagged him in a bunch of photos.

Well, the next day I noticed that Mr. Big hadn't approved my Relationship Request even though I KNOW he was online that day because he changed his Feed to : "Mr. Big is happy that he just bought a cigar." So I called him and went a little crazy. So he looked at me in that stern nanny way, sat me down and said, "Look. I love you. I want to be with you forever. But this Facebook thing is so not me, kid. I just joined because you made me."

Oh, man did that clear everything up. So, maybe you don't need an online Status Change to define your love. Maybe love is the one "Application" you just don't need to download because it's just there, like the Facebook Wall, or my own Walls I put up to keep the pain outside.

Anyway, see you later! Oh, and go see my movie! There's a great scene at Juniors in Brooklyn with this actress named Lynne. Bye!"

Saved By The Dialogue

I thank the lord every day that this happened:

Oops

Me: (calling boss on her office phone) Hey, I'm heading out to get my new phone and pick up your pantyhose.

Bosslady: Well you didn't have to tell everyone. (Turns out I'm on speakerphone)

Me: Okay. Did you still want the Lotrimin?

Pee Wee's Crackhouse

I was babysitting a 4 year old last week who was very much into the YouTube. We were going through kids videos when he pointed to this. And we watched it. And it was really awkward.

Election

A small room with a desk

Obama: I'll give you Michigan if I can have Florida.

Clinton: That's ridiculous! Florida has more delegates!

Obama: But I'm ahead.

Clinton: But it's still too close!

Obama: Yes, but I'm still going to win.

Clinton: You're so full of it!

Obama: I know you are but what am I?

Clinton: (to Howard Dean) You see what I mean? Every time we try to have a serious discussion and he turns into a five year old!

Dean: Barack, it really is important to listen to each other.

Obama: You are right. And I do listen. Because I have the hope of listening. So we can change. (random applause erupts)

Clinton: And he carries that goddamn applause machine everywhere!

Obama: No I don't. (roar of cheers)

Clinton: You just did it now.

Obama: I don't hear anything.

Clinton: That's because you turned it off. I see the button.

Obama: (holding up remote) Oh, this thing?

Clinton: Ha! I knew it!

Dean: Can we get back to the...

Obama: Hil, you are acting crazy.

Clinton: No, I heard it earlier!

Obama: I can't help it. Throes of fans just follow me wherever I go.

Clinton: I swear...

Obama: Watch this... Change. (huge applause)

Clinton: (to Dean) Can I just have Florida and Michigan and the nomination?

Obama: Okay, but I get the kids.

Clinton: You CANNOT have Chelsea, Bar, we've been through this before!

Obama: Then it's no deal.

Dean: (rubbing temples) Oh, man.

Memory Man

Okay so this dude, Stephen Wiltshire is autistic which means CNN is obsessed with him so long as their month-long, "Autism: Unraveling the Mystery" special is on the air. Although Anderson Cooper could talk about flypaper and I'd be happy as a clam to sit in front of the TV all day, but I digress.

So as an experiment, a film crew took Mr. Wiltshire on a helicopter tour of Rome, and then asked him to draw it from memory.

He draws every building, street and landmark perfectly. He even managed to recall exactly what street the brooding yet complicated Italian man smoking a cigarette on a Vespa was on while the beautiful, lost American tourist asks for his help after popping a Mentos.

Kind of Like Poverty

Update: My boss's thoughts on the Super 8 Hotel

Me: Good morning.

Bosslady: Hello

Me: So.......... how was the Super 8?

BL: Terrible.

Me: Seriously?

BL: Yes, but I think it was good for my kids.

Me: Why? So they can see how the other half lives?

BL: Yes.

Me: Really?

BL: Oh, yes.

30 Rocks

Yeah that's right I'll be filming 30 Rock tomorrow as a flight attendant. That's why I'm classically trained.

BaseBalls

No, it's okay my co-worker didn't tell me Derek Jeter was in our friend's office upstairs and she went to meet him.

Thief

There's a guy in the office who keeps getting his personalized mugs stolen. Weird, huh? On a side note, I have a whole new collection of personalized mugs with babies on them.

No, I'm Serious

It's... it's a DOG! With a can of MOUNTAIN DEW... ON HIS HEAD!!! You can't make this stuff up! Oh, man, my side hurts.

An Open Letter to the MTA

Dear MTA,

Hey, how's it going? You may know me from 32 years of loyal service. Anyway, I just wanted to tell you something- I don't know how I feel anymore about the "Let the passengers off the train before getting on" nonsense. Logistically it's rational- the people getting off first adds to the smooth flow of in-motion subway dynamics. There's even a physics theorem about it:

But lately the conductors have gotten a little trigger happy. Almost EVERY DAY I see people waiting patiently as the people are getting off, only to have the conductor slam the door on them as they try to board the train. The train's not crowded... there's plenty of room, but for some reason Triggerhappy McFuckwad always does this. I've seen one close a door on a father and his two year old daughter, like, ON them. And there's really no excuse as it's the conductor's job to look both ways to make sure everyone has boarded. The only reason to close the doors is if the train is overcrowded but I'm talking perfectly low capacity trains.

So in conclusion, MTA, I please reconsider your new policy. I don't mind paying a metric assload of money for your criminal monopoly but at least don't beat me up in the process.

That's what the IRS is for.

Love,

Tempy.

Just Wondering

If I spill coffee all over my keyboard, will I get electrocuted if I use it? If yes, please respond ASAP.

Pollitics

It's been too long since we had a poll.

She's Gone

Wow. Thanks, PB.

Cute on the Outside

Is it just me, or does this rabbit look like it could kick your ass?


How about now?

Sounds Like Fun

I don't understand why it's only the disabled people that get monkey helpers.

Taxes

Bosslady: Okay, so just make a spreadsheet with all of my tax info.

Me: You got it. Hey, have you noticed it's kind of hot in here?

BL: It's just my taxes.

Ba dum bum (cymbal crash)!

Crazy

OH MY GOD YOU GUYS, ANN COULTER WAS JUST IN OUR OFFICE.

Apparently she is interested in investing with us. Well, maybe not anymore.

So she walks in, has a meeting and as she's leaving she asked me where the bathroom is, so I said, "Yeah, it's right down the hall you fucking cuntface."

I mean, it just came out.

Anyway.

April Fools you guys. I would never tell Ann Coulter where the bathroom is.

Goodbye, MF

They always say you don't know what you have until it's gone and last night could not have proved a truer saying. It was the final night that our neighborhood bar Magnetic Fields was open to the public and after weeks of great parties and shows, their final send-off was a regular old Monday night.

I expected to arrive into a chaotic scene of drunken antics and general mayhem. Instead when I walked into the room the mood was relaxed, a bit serious and of course a bit sad. The only people in attendance were those who I wanted to see; the regulars who over the years adopted each other into this large, eclectic and often dysfunctional family. And then it hit me- I wasn't so sad to see the place go as I am really glad everyone is moving on to do wonderful things. It wasn't that we wouldn't have a place to go, although there is definitely a loss there. It was because I never appreciated how much this little space brought to the community. I've watched my friend's bands play through their first-gig growing pains to become reputable and extraordinary performers. We all watched the owner take a little character he created to make a quiz show and drum up business and turn it into a franchise. I had the opportunity to do a staged reading of my romance novel there and it's because of the support of the community that the show will turn into something bigger. I really owe a lot of what I have to the people I've met and maintained friendships with there and at the bar I used to work at, Last Exit.

I know I'll continue to see everyone because as I said, as friendships grew we branched out to meeting up at other places and even homes. A wonderful couple who were once just my customers now spend every Christmas with my real dysfunctional family. It really doesn't get any better than that.

So thank you William, Stephen and Lee and everyone involved for creating something beautiful and more importantly a place for music and other artistic endeavors to build and grow. You've really done something amazing.

Part of me thinks now is the part where Elton John pops out and sings "Candle in the Wind" or something. Oh, F@#k it, let's do it.

Goodbye, MF
(To be sung to the tune of Elton John's Candle in the Wind)

Goodbye Magnetic Fields
I’ve seen you through it all
especially at 4AM
When out the door I’d crawl

Will and Stephen did the woodwork
Built a stage for bands to play
And came up with the unique theme
Of Sci-Fi Western Gay

Your existence was akin to times
when in the photobooth we'd sit
Never knowing who would show up
And flash their tits (guilty)
And I would’ve like to see you grow
Like a maladjusted kid
The music ended long before
The legend ever did

Buckhunter was fun
The best game we ever played
William created Bunnie England
And they’ll rock until this day

You created a family
The whole Dick Swizzle brood
And even on a slow day
Someone would strip down nude (hi Jonah)

And it seemed to me that you lived your life
Like with that photobooth’s grace
Never knowing who would show up
And make a silly face
And I would’ve like to see you grow
Like a maladjusted kid
The music ended long before
The legend ever did

Give Me Some Time

I'm working on a post people, just be patient.