I just spent the better part of the afternoon shopping for birthday cards for a bunch of 7 year olds. The problem is, every card is either made for a two year old (Elmo!) or for your drunken uncle. I'm serious- every card I opened has tits and dick jokes. There'd be like, a potentially decent card with a golf club on it like, To my Son," and you opened it up and pop-up boobies would be flying out at you all, "Whaaaaaaaaaa! Titties! Golf and titties! Birthday!" So at the risk of looking like a freaking pedophile, (which I hear the new Pope is not fond of, by the way,) I finally found a few stupid ones.

But that leads me to a new challenge- here is the face of a card. Make up your own inside birthday message based on the picture. The worse, the better. Here's a few.


"HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Have a ball!"

"Don't BITE off more than you can CHEW on your BIRTHDAY! Like, as in CAKE! You know, when you BITE the CAKE like this PUPPY is BITING that BALL!"

"Happy birthday to a bitch who loves to suck on my balls."

"Penis!"

"Hey, the only thing in common with you and that puppy on your birthday is that you both don't have a JOB! Happy Birthday!"