Madame Tempy

And now, horoscopes!

Aries (March 21-April 19). Today will be difficult because you will be given tasks that you don’t want to do. But if you do them, the person who gave them to you will be happy. If you don’t do them, that person will be upset.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). Being the sign of the “bull”, maybe it’s about time you stopped being an asshole.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). Things are looking up! Too bad you’re a racist.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). Your sign coincides with a tragic disease that kills millions every year. Today you will find true love!

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). Hey there, wild child, no matter how much you drink tonight please remember that you are not indestructible. Well, maybe a little.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). This is your time to shine! Be the change you want to be in the world, don’t judge a book by its cover and remember, a bird in the hand is worth two in the horse’s mouth.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22). You are the sign of the scales. Which is a gentle reminder that you should moisturize. Today might be a good day to start doing that. Tonight you will find true love!

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21). There really is no easy way to say this but yes, yes he is cheating on you.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). No matter how many times you’ve won some change in a slot machine, you are not “The Gambler” Kenny Rogers sings about. This is a metaphor for whatever is going on in your life.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). Today would be a good day to cut the blue wire instead of the yellow wire when diffusing that bomb! This, unfortunately, is not a metaphor.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Hey, stop procrastinating! Be kind to someone today. Take some time out for yourself. Remember that life is fleeting. Stop and smell the flowers. Today might be a good day to confront that co-worker. A get-together with friends does wonders to alleviate your stress! Tonight you will find true love, and tomorrow you will lose it.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). Being a water sign, you flow through life with grace and dignity. Construction workers like your dress and your blog is hilarious.