Is That A 2006?

Maybe it's just working in the bar/restaurant business for so many years but it takes a lot more to impress me than free office wine on Fridays. No, thank you, I would not like a plastic cup of merlot.

Eat It

I have gone from, "Whoa, free lunch? That is amazing! Thank you so much." To "Who's ordering goddamn lunch today? Can we make a rush on that? Helloooooooo, I'm starving..."

Karma

I was recently telling someone about the healing powers of Zicam. For those of you that don't know, Zicam is zinc spray you put up your nose at the first signs of a cold, in effect killing the cold before it spreads and therefore shortening your illness to just a day.

Yesterday I was feeling a bit off but hadn't thought much of it until I got home and realized that my throat hurt. Giving it no mind, I went about my evening and then to bed. Well at 2 am I got the chills, headache, cough, the whole nine yards. I couldn't sleep, and was up half the night burrowed in my comforter, cursing at no one in particular. And the kicker is, the symptoms started off everywhere but my nose.

At least I get to take DayQuil.

Have I told you about how much I love DayQuil?

This Is My New Best Friend

My Brain is Tired

I just did solid work for like, 2 hours. I need a break.

Hot Chick

This chick is hot...



Thanks to my friends in Miami, this website has been drawn to my attention. If only it wasn't so damn depressing. Hey, how many of these guys do you think are closeted homosexuals?

He's Down

It'd be funny if he weren't such an a@#hole.

International

Oh, okay. Yeah, I'll call Israel and ask that question for you. Mental note, next time you call someone in Israel don't bother asking how the weather is. I was kindly reminded, "Well, in the desert, it's always nice."

STOP EVERYTHING

Hold the phone, shut it. I just found out that because the markets will be closed, I HAVE A DAY OFF NEXT FRIDAY. And not only that, it is the day after a performance I have the night before. The show is actually at a bar because I like to cut out the middleman. Which means... hide the children and get the photobooth money ready. I am going to party.

It's Called Exhaustion

I'm going on week three of my month long work marathon. What is that you ask? Well, seeing as how I haven't had steady work in a long time, I am in desperate need of dinero. So when a company asked me to do a four week gig Monday through Friday and I am still doing the restaurant on the weekends, that translates into seven days a week for me as a working gal. Not to be confused with a working girl, as that would make me either a prostitute or Melanie Griffith.

Seven days a week. Only the Beatles can top that. I'm just glad I'm not the poor woman on MySpace who is two weeks in to her hunger strike against Sanjaya from American Idol (she's not eating until he gets voted off). But if I were her, at least I'd lose some weight.

It's One of Those Days

I need to see a picture of a kitten in a slipper.

If It's Free, I Can't Complain

Why, why does the club sandwich exist? I could never eat it in one big bite, and isn't that the point of the sandwich? Once you take the spear out, it all falls apart.

I guess the real question is, why do I keep ordering it?

Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad

Hey guys! If you are bored, let's play a game! What's the grossest thing about this article?

You may have to read past the first few paragraphs.

Good To Know

Me: Whoa. I'm off today.

Girl Next to Me (who came in late): Oh, yeah. It's just... one of those mornings.

Me: Yeah. One of those mornings.

(5 minutes of silence. Typing. Light phones.)

GNTM: Uh, yeah, it's like I woke up and my paper wasn't delivered so that totally threw me off.

Me: Oh, I hate that (I don't have the paper delivered).

GNTM: And there was a bug in my apartment this morning.

Me: Whoa. That'll throw you off. I, uh, got up to pee at five and the light bulb blew out so... I had to change it...

(Silence)

GNTM: I also drank too much wine last night.

Me: Yeah, I had a few margaritas.

GNTM: Yeah, I had some of those too.

Me: So we're hung over.

GNTM: Oh god yes.

Me: At least we're on the same page.

Hey, Guess What I Did Last Night?!!!

OMG! I totally went out after work, drank a few margaritas and went home tipsy, you guys!

Um...

If I was in my 20's, that story would have been longer, interesting and posted later in the day.

Oh No

This is... pretty funny.

Please, No...

Please tell me the workman did not just come in and tell me he was called because someone's "knob is not working in their unit".

It's not even Sexual Innuendo Day today.

And Now...

Horoscopes for today!!!

Aries - You will try to back out of a commitment with a friend, but the friend won't let you. Fruitcake.

Taurus - Although you might be tempted to pull your human owner's underpants out of the hamper, that would make you a bad dog. Plus, you will get a surprise walk today.

Gemini - You will soon need a Stella.

Cancer - Your lunch may have an unpleasant surprise.

Leo - This evening, you may find salt on your nipples.

Virgo - You will be boxing someone else's stuff up.

Libra - Look behind you!

Scorpio - Stop picking on Libra.

Sagittarius - Today you will win a game you did not know you were playing.

Capricorn - You may be lounging on your deck now, but a big meteorite is headed your way, so it is best to duck inside.

Aquarius - You like water.

Pisces - It's probably not possible for anyone to be as awesome as yourself. And your lunch will be free.

Hey There Little Guy!

I don't know why everyone is so freaked out that you decided to give us a visit in the kitchen today! I think you are cute.

Nerd Alert

Why did I wake up voluntarily at 6:30 am, take the dog for a long walk and actually take my time getting dressed today when I didn't even have to be at work 'till 9? There's something about this pre-summer weather that makes me feel good. AND the fact that I am slowly getting out of my financial slump. It's ironic that just when I can actually afford to pay for my drinks (not that I ever would) that my bar tab last night was only $9.

The rich keep getting richer... Good morning.

Tick Tick

Yeah, sure I'll sit here and do nothing for the next 20 minutes.

Resistance

No, peanut M&M, I won't eat you and your friends. You can't make me.

What? Oh, you know I don't speak Spanish, M&M.

Fine, just one.

Hale, Meet Hearty

Oh yeah. Free lunch.

Double Life

It's sort of hard going from this:





To this:

Especially when you've only had 5 hours of sleep.

Let's just say that Bartron's establishment was busy this weekend, which was great for finances but not so good on the body. And last night there was just this celebratory mood in the air. The night went smoothly and everyone was feeling giddy from making money/drinking wine. It was decided by the remaining few that a night of partying was in order. Man, even just one drink (which would lead into five) sounded great. Alas, I knew better than that. And so, the rest of my night looked like this:

It's Just Like Work

Uhhh... ever see "Being John Malcovich"? You remember when John Cusak walks into that office and there's something a bit odd about it? Now, don't get me wrong. It's nice here. Real laid back, like, I can wear jeans. And unlike the movie, the elevator does not drop me off on a half floor. But I am absolutely convinced that between OCD hairplug man who took 30 minutes to explain the phones and the fact that the girl before me "quit without notice" leads me to believe that somewhere in this office I will find a portal to Liam Neeson's body. I can only hope.

Adios

Today is my last day at this place, but fear not friends, Tempy just got hired for next week at a different company. So until then, have a great weekend, stay strong, and feel free to visit Bartron this weekend.

Bartron does not blog because a. she doesn't have the technical capabilities (yet) and b. you don't really want to know what Bartron is thinking sometimes during her shift. Although it would be fun to count the number of times "douchebag" is uttered.

Fun With Bubbles

BklynTurtle sent me an ecard with a very addictive game.

Here's what you have to do. But first, picture Ed listening in as well as I explain the instructions:

First, you have to click on the boy, and dip the wand in his bubbles. Then help him blow a bubble (not too big!) and make sure he puts it in the hoop before his pussy cat pops it.

It's really fun.

I Have Been Waiting To Do This All Week

Junior Mints. A whole box.

I love afternoon snack time.

Waste of My Time

But after playing this I am itching to play pool.

Too Much

Okay, feel good story of the day.

Yesterday I was the neighborhood dog park, when this young, wily thing came bounding in. She immediately started playing with my dog, Captain McPoopmachine, when she ran up to me. I was petting her and I noticed she had unusually large nipples.

"She had a litter?" I asked the owner (it's okay to say this at the park).

"Yup" she said, "I just rescued her."

Now it turns out that this dog was homeless, pregnant and alone, and lived in the basement of this building where the super fed her occasionally.

This year on Superbowl Sunday, the building caught on fire, and the dog was in the basement nursing her puppies. She managed to bring out each and every one of her puppies unharmed. They found her, helped her nurse her puppies to a healthy size and got them all adopted.

What a hero. And sooooooooo cute.

Yeah, I Speak Banker

I just totally asked for a tear sheet so I can add it to the trading info I found on this company we're investigating.

It's... kind of a big deal.

The Land of Organization

An actual conversation:

Really Important Guy: "Hey, you helped schedule that meeting with Me and Mr. ----, right?"

(Fyi Mr. ---- is a very rich man who this company really wants to work with.)

Me: "Yup. The room is set and I've got catering."

RIG: "Did you get him a building pass?"

Me: "I didn't but (girl next to me) did. I'll just double check." (to girl next to me)"Hey, did you get a building pass for that guy we scheduled on Monday?"

Girl: "Aw shit, I forgot."

Me: "Whatever."

Girl: "Whatever. I guess I'll do it now."

Me: "Whenever."

(back to CNN, NYTimes, TMZ, Gmail, altoidsarcade, patientboy and imnotobsessed.com)

10 Things I Learned This Week

1. When the girls in the office have a smirk on their face as they ask you to go to the copy room and ask for "Ray", it's because "Ray" is a middle aged hunchbacked man with fresh post-surgery metal rods coming out of his head and a speech impediment.

2. If you attempt to perform your own French manicure, the second try is always more successful than the first.

3. If you take the train 10 minutes earlier than when you normally would take it, the trains are empty and your trip time is cut in half.

4. Just because the day before you got on the train early and your trip time was 20 minutes, does not mean if you get on the train late your trip will still be 20 minutes. It will actually be an 1 hour 5 minutes OR just feel like it.

5. Bankers on a Friday are GIDDY!

6. If you make up a holiday in hopes of having it catch on, it won't.

7. When ordering small items from Amazon, you will be billed for shipping separately for each item if they are from different stores. For example, if you want to buy three pieces of something for a hat contest involving the Kentucky Derby, with separate shipping each your total will not be $7.41 as you previously thought but rather, $26.01.

8. When you apply your powder foundation directly after your moisturizer, it stays on longer and blends in better.

9. My dog is crazy.

and finally,

10. Don't each a lot of cheese when you are lactose intolerant and then advertise on your blog that you just "don't feel good". People get alarmed.

Happy Temp Appreciation Day!

I can barely see over all these flowers on my desk! And the Hallmark cards? There really is one for every occasion.

It is my honor to be your temp.

Is That in Dollars or Euros?

I don't know what's crazier: The fact that I just got a vanilla and raspberry frozen yogurt sundae with sprinkles, fudge and whipped cream and a grande Starbucks coffee on the side, or the fact that because our cafeteria is private all together it only cost $1.58.

Unbelieveable.

No Way

This is incredible- I was just looking at the calendar when I found that tomorrow is Temp Appreciation Day! Seriously! Look it up. Or don't.

So yes, tomorrow, March 23rd is the official day where you show your temp how much he/she mean to you through poems, cards, gifts or flowers. So if you have a temp in your office, s/he may not want you to know they know (because it's rude), so what you should do is buy them a gift, and give it to them, but just drop it at their desk, nod your head silently while maintaining eye contact, and then slowly walk away, backwards so as to keep the eye contact. They will understand that this is code for "Happy Temp Apprectaition Day". Trust me.

Wow, I won't be able to sleep at all tonight!

Bulliards

Have you ever tried to play online pool against a computer? I'm guessing the robot on the other end of this free, online, candy sponsored billiards site is named JOSHUA.

And why is it that I am suddenly craving Altoids? I hear they're curiously strong.

Telepaphonic

Just now:

Me: "Hello, ----- -----'- office"

Guy: "Hi. is ---- ----- in please?"

Me: "No she's not, may I take a message?"

Guy: "Have her call ----- after 1:30"

Me: (looking at caller ID) "Are you at --- --- ----?"

Guy: "Telepathy?"

Me: "Ha, ha, no."

Guy: "No, how did you know that?"

Me: "Your number?"

Guy: (Getting irritated/frightened) "Yeah... how... do you have a phone tracer or something like that?"

Something like that.

Mental note, don't be a smart ass anymore. Caller ID is still a new feature to some people.

My Conspiracy Theories Run Deep and Wide

By now most of you know what I think about the Katie Holmes pregnancy flim flam. For those of you that don't, it's the theory that she was pregnant with Chris Kleins' baby when they broke up and because she was a Christian "virgin", she couldn't get an abortion, so conveniently as Tom Cruise was looking for a gay-shield/love interest, he met with Katie Holmes and said he'd be the daddy. Wouldn't be the first time he adopted a child.

So in order to make this math work, she had the baby in March but had to pretend it was May. That is why her actual birth records are shady and why they waited so long to introduce her. By their account, Suri is 10 months:



I'm sorry, that kid is at least a year old.

Stay at Home Dad

So the pregnant woman here I work with has a husband who stays at home with the kids. She confided in me that he doesn't do a very good job. But I probably could have told her that seeing as how every time I answer her phone, it's him calling sounding stressed out, with children screaming in the background.

I'm like, dude, just give them a nip of the bourbon. You know, for "teething". Kids can teethe until they are at least 12, by the way.

Who's Your Momma?

Hey guys! Today we're going to play a fun game I like to call National Geographics. Below is a picture of newborn babies. Can you tell me what animal it is?


Give it a shot in the comments section. Have fun!

Hola, Miami

This lawyer joke came late via Miami, where I hear Tempy has a small but very powerful fanbase.

Thank you, Mi Amigos... I may have a special Miami post soon.

From Lawyerboy:

One afternoon, while a lawyer was being driven home in his limousine, he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop, got out, and asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But, sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all piled into the car, which was no easy task, even for a stretch limousine.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows said to the lawyer, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place.

The grass is almost a foot high."


Nice job, lawyerboy! As a prize for longest distance joke, you get to fly me and a friend to Miami where you will take us out to a fancy dinner. Hopefully not grass from yout lawn! ;)

Congratulations!

Copy Queen

I don't know what it is, but ever since Tempy was just a wee little gal in her first big office job, Tempy has always been able to tame the wild copy machine.

I f@#king rock.

Worst Album Covers Ever

Ladies and gentlemen, thanks to this site, I present to you some of The Worst Album Covers Ever.

Can you guess which one is the inspiration for Klimpter's new album cover?

Cookie and Coffee

Nothing beats this.

Royalty

This is Disney's newest addition to the Princesses collection, The Frog Princess. Notice her dashing flapper hat with the lime slice; that shows she knows how to party.

Needless to say, Jasmine and Mulan are pissed.

I wonder how Walk Disney would feel about the fact that, 70 years after his precious Snow White was created, there is now a Princess of a different color. Because as you know, Walt Disney did not allowed black children into his theme park when it first opened. He must be rolling over in his cryogenic tube.

Parrrrrrrty

Lindsay Lohan just bought two dogs in hopes that she "won't go out partying so much". Boy, is she in for a shock.

Taskmaster

I've decided to give myself a task and organize all of the Fed Ex boxes. I love organizing. Everyone thinks I'm crazy and they are so happy I am doing that, they are leaving me alone.

Niiiiiice.

Something Shiny

Okay, I think our floor has an in-office shoe shiner. There's this little kid who keeps walking by with pairs of shiny shoes.

Just Another Wednesday

Good morning everyone! What did Tempy do last night, you ask? Well, that's a bit personal but, okay. Let's see. I made a delicious dinner, caught up on some emails and then sat down to watch 24 (I DVR'ed it). All I can say is... wow. How many nuclear bombs can you take in one day? I mean, wow. Sometimes it's like I need therapy after that show. Luckily, I now have a forum strictly for fans of 24 who want to talk about it. You can leave comments, questions and concerns. This forum is otherwise known as Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh.blogspot.com.

Awkward

You know when you know someone's pregnant and they clearly know they are pregnant but until they say something you don't want to say anything in case they just gained a lot of round, rock hard weight on their belly? My superviser and I have been dancing around it for days. Finally she's like, "You know, because I'm pregnant". To which I responded, "Oh, I know, how exciting!"

You can tell it's late in the day when my blogs start to sound like Seinfeld-esque rants.

"Don't you hate it when you are drinking coffee and the guy next to you takes a whiff and goes, 'Coffee?' Well, what else would it be?"

"And have you ever noticed that when you call an IT guy he acts like you're wasting his time? You are wasting HIS time? What else would he be doing?"

Hey-OH!

I'll be here all week.

False Alarm

Okay, I feel better now.

Oh No...

I just ate lunch and my stomach is doing massive flip flops. I think I just ate something bad. Seriously, pray for me. I can't even look at that picture of the puppy I posted because it makes me want to vomit. Ooooooooooooooooooooooooh.

Yes, Please Give Me a Heaping Plate Of Indiscernible Mushy Substance

This is cute.


This is just weird...




And if you want to see something so stupidly adorable I can't even bear to post these pictures up, check out the link to my favorite dog of the day, Patches the Maltipoo.

Stuffy

No, not that kind of stuffy. I'm talking about good old fashioned envelope stuffing! Who's with me?!!! Who wants to help? I'll buy you a priced-down Starbuck's from downstairs...

Ohhhhhhhhhh My Tummy

I ate too many candy hearts. I know they're left over from Valentines Day and before that they were probably in a CVS warehouse since 1972 and I feel kind of sick.

How do I know they were from 1972? Because one of them said "Nixon is Dreamy". Bleech...

I Stand Corrected

I was going to make fun of that stupidly large football-field sized airbus A380 plane that everyone is making a big deal about. I mean, is bigger always better Mr. Ismay? Don't forget about the Titanic.

But then I saw the interior...



Uhhhhhh...

How Many Lawyers...

Hey, thanks to Lawyergirl, I hear this blog is a big hit among the legal community. As such, I have decided to post a few of your favorite lawyer jokes:

What do you get if you send a prostitute to law school?
A f***ing know-it-all.

What do lawyers use for birth control?Their personalities.

And... my favorite, courtesy of Boyd:

What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?

A doberman.

Anyone have any others to share? Feel free to post actor jokes, albeit I find it highly unnecessary as most actors are a big stupid joke.

Tweedle Dee

Yeah, I got some thumbs if you want to twiddle them with me.

Greetings

"Hi. I'm a big old garbage eating, lazy ass, porch lounging, howling gasbag."

"Oh my god, I'm a big old garbage eating, lazy ass, porch lounging, howling gasbag."

"No way!"

"Way."

Online and En Fuego

Q: Hey Tempy, what do you do when you go to a new job and you don't immediately have internet access?

A: I'll tell you what to do. You call your superviser and say WHATTUP BITCH!!!!!!!??????? Or you could also calmly point out that you might need the intranet in case you need to schedule a meeting. Or... you could then find out that they have already created one for you and you should just be patient.

Either way, I'm back.

Pan-Chow or Chow-Da?

Anyone care to explain this to me? Half Chow Chow dog, hald panda? No my friends, it is all Chow Chow, made to look like a panda, and 100% ridiculous.


What's next, dressing up your dog as a crossing guard?

Duane Reade

The Duane Reade on 52nd and Madison smells like dead, rotting rodent. I guess it's better than live, thriving rodent, but anyway... If that wasn't enough, the cashier was on the phone screaming to someone, "I pay the rent, you leave my damn apartment! Well I don't care! Don't make me go over there."

For some reason, the CVS around the corner was a much more positive experience. It didn't smell like death and the employees seemed to be in healthy relationships.

Moral of the story?

They didn't have what I needed at either location.

It's a Borough

Overheard conversation from the guy on the phone in the cube next to me:

"So, yeah, she wants me to go to the rehearsal dinner, and I'm like, that's when I get back from vacation, I have to catch up on work plus... it's in Brooklyn..."

We don't need people like him anyway.

Call Me Tempy

Well kids, it's been quite a week. I made a bunch of new friends, lost $10 in company MegaMillions pools, treated a burn victim/overachieving temp, and consumed quite possibly the most coffee in one week than anyone anywhere ever, ever. And that's still going on.

Yes, it's my last day here, but don't fret, Tempy will return in one week, where I will be rifling through the personal files of really rich people. Ok, more like rolling naked in them after-hours. For when I am there, that is how I will roll. Naked. In a big pile of bonds and financial statements.

Anyway, what will Tempy be doing in the interim? Well, Tempy has a lot of skills/jobs/bills to pay, but those jobs actually require real work so I do not have time to blog. But if I did, here are a few would-be blog names of my other jobs.

SternNanny - I take care of a beautiful little girl who needs no serious discipline. I just like the term "Stern Nanny"

Bartron - I am a weekend bartender. Let's call it moonlighting. Okay, I do it for the free drinks and food.

Reviewey - I write reviews for an online magazine. Which makes me... nobody.

ExtraExtra - I try to avoid this one as much as possible, but occasionally, I do background work for films and TV

TrashyRomanceWriter - Oh wait, this blog does exist. Long story short, I write smut novels and them read them in bars. No, seriously.

But today, I am still Tempy. At least until 5:30.

Is it Hip in Here?

And now, my selected ironic t shirt designs of the day, courtesy of onehorseshy.com.

Sexual Innuendo Day

Hey everyone, guess what day it is? That's right, Ed. It's Sexual Innuendo Day!

What's Sexual Innuendo Day, you may ask? Well, SID as I like to call it, (not to be confused with SIDS which is a mysterious and fatal disease that affects tiny infants), is a day in which you are allowed to make as many sexual innuendos as you like. In fact, challenge yourself to come up with even more than usual. Like, when you are taking your lunch break and you walk by a Cosi sandwich shop, just stop and think you yourself, "Man, I wish I had some hot, crusty bread right now". You don't even have to share your innuendos with your co-workers although I encourage you to do it early and often.

Like, just now, for example. I was instructing this visitor from another office on how to use the intercom feature, and he said, "Sorry, I'm new to these phones" and I said, "So am I". Get it?

So innuendo away. I'd love to hear some of your favorites in the comments section. The more mundane and not sexually related the sentence, the better.

I have to get back to my company inbox now.

Special K Mart

I just purchased a floor lamp with dimming capabilities. That makes me so excited because a. it was only $14.99 and b. I'm getting it delivered, which means I get a package. Remember when you were a kid and you saw all the mail your parents got and you couldn't wait to get some of your own? Well, my neighbors love Amazon.com and Zappo.com and the like, so there are always packages in the hallway. Stupidly I get excited because maybe, just maybe one of them is for me. Now I know I'm getting one...

That Slur Will Get You A Day in The Museum of Tolerance, Young Man

I thought that the Museum of Tolerance was just a joke on South Park. Turns out there is one, and it's located conveniently in the heart of all things that are awful and elitist. That's right kids, LA.

I recently discovered this museum after reading a disturbing article on TMZ where two young stars from the OC or One Tree Hill or whatever were sent there by a judge for mandatory sensitivity training. You see, they "insensitively" got wasted, drove drunk, got mad at a tow truck that was in their way and made racial slurs, spitting in the driver's face.

Something tells me that they may need more than one day at the Museum of Tolerance. I have a great idea: How about a day at the What The Fuck is Wrong With You Soon To Be Has-Been Actor Brats Center For Learning.

MegaNothing

I've thus far spent $10 on "office pool" MegaMillion tickets. Turns out the winning tickets were purchased in New Jersey and Georgia. So unless our little gofer took the PATH on her lunch break when she bought them, our tickets aren't winners. The best we got was one number and one powerball. In the last round we won $2. I'm still waiting for my 14 cents.

So now that I'm out a whopping $9.86, I think I'll eat more donuts.

100th Post!

As per request:


Thanks, everyone!

ATTENTION

Are you sitting down? The next blog, my friends, will be Tempy's 100th. Any special requests?

Welcome Back

Okay, the OT is back and everyone is treating her like she is some kind of hero. Turns out the burn got better, so she just left the hospital without being seen by the doctor. She actually said to her superviser, "Thank you for your understanding and flexibility". Although, she DID offer to do any work I had for her. I should solicit some like her, and then "get hurt" and leave early.

Whatever, I guess I can function with her around. I just wonder how long it will take her to figure out that I traced a line of demarcation around her cubicle with my urine.

I Swear it Wasn't Me

Okay, the Other Temp (who I like to call the OT) went to the emergency room. I swear I didn't push her into that hot water, although I am the only witness. As this is a legal department, everyone is trying to figure out if they are liable.

Me, I had to take on all that damn work miss candy pants solicited. Scan what? Scan this.

Let this be a lesson to you all. There's only room for one temp in this town.

Uh Oh

This new temp is making me look bad. Not only is she running around the office asking everyone if she can "do anything for them", but now that she burned herself in the pantry after I showed her where the hot water was, everyone feels really bad for her and are flocking about talking about taking her to the hospital.

And she's only been here for 10 minutes.

The Family That Rides Together...

Actual overheard line on the train this morning:

Mother to 3 year son walking furiously ahead of him on train platform:

"Yo, why you gotta be so slow?"

Today

For this company, today, I did nothing. Somebody threw me a bone and was like, "Hey there little temp! Do you think you can manage the big bad internet and send a teensy weensy email about a meeting weeting? Do you? You can! What a good temp!"

Give me a goddamn cookie.

For myself, I got about four hours of solid work done, so that's pretty cool.

Off to buy groceries- I am so grown up now that I'm 31.

2:00

Time for hot chocolate.

Oh Where Oh Where Has Tempy Gone?

I had a rough day. Sorry for the late blog, but I got 4 hours sleep, went to this fancy office, left on my lunch break to attend an audition and as a result did not have time for lunch.

I did manage to grab a Special K cereal bar from the vending machine.

On a good note my birthday weekend was awesome. I'm a bit glad it's over, because all I want to do is go home, cook a nice dinner and not drink.

Anyone else feel that way?

And The Winners Are

Winners? Why, you didn't think there was only one category, did you?

Best Religious eCard: Boyd. Hands down. Especially because there was a song involved

Best Sappy Card that Made Me Cry: Gaia. Because, really...

Most Inspired Use of a Bald Eagle: Boyd.

Best Foreign Language Card: Gaia. It was just like Telemundo.

Best Use of an Ice Sculpture: Boyd. Excellent execution, my friend.

And finally: Card So Dirty I Could Not Open It On My Computer: Gaia.

Congrats! Thanks for participating... Boyd and Gaia.

Who's Your Obama?

Some news sites are reporting that Barack Obama's ancestors may have owned slaves. I guess now we can't vote for him.

The news probably thinks that what somebody's ancestors did a long time ago overshadows the fact that our current president is responsible for hundreds of deaths of human beings every day.

I'm a distant relation of Ethan Allen. Does that mean I get a new dining room set?

PS great work on the cards, Boyd.

Brooklyn Turtle, you may have some competition...

PowerBalls

I just put $5 in the office pool for Powerball tickets. It's up to like, $270 million or something. I feel so corporate. But if I really want to win a group-Powerball, I should probably work in a factory. They're always the ones who win.

eCards

Bklyn Turtle is faster than all y'all. Great eCard!! Thanks!

Keep It In The Family

From the AP:

"A German brother and sister who have four children together are calling for the country's incest laws to be abolished so that they can continue their sexual relationship. Patrick Stubing and his sister Susan — who grew up separately — have had three of their children taken into foster care.

Two of the children have disabilities although it is not known if these are due to inbreeding or because they were born prematurely."

I thought everything was legal in Germany.

New Game

From the imaginative mind of Monsignor Boyd, he has suggested a "contest" if you will, of who can send me the most ridiculous eCard by 3:32. You can send them to my email account. Again, you are encouraged to enter more than once. Starting... now!

Aw Yeah...

I love the smell of corporate in the morning.

I woke up to texts and phone calls because well, as you know, it's a big day. Because on this day, 31 years ago, Bob Lurie became CEO of the San Francisco Giants. Oh, and I was born. That's right, I share a birthday with such greats as Mikhail Gorbachev, leader of the former Soviet Union and Andrew Farriss, keyboardist of INXS. I only hope I can live up to their legacies.

Speaking of legal, I am at a new place today. I did nothing for the first hour, then I sent out one email. Awesome. It's turning into a pretty good day. Monsoon outside aside, of course.

Actual quote from girl I work with/for.

"Um, I'm leaving at 3:30 today so... you know... I guess you can leave, um, early?"

Yeah, if by early you mean 3:32. Sweet.

It's Not A Contest

Please oh please someone write a caption to this...

Guess What?

I just filed my nails.

31 Flavors

Is it my birthday yet? Because it should be.

Tonight is my birthday dinner with my family. Yay! It's good because it stretches my birthday out by a few days. Better take all I can get.

This is my last day here and tomorrow I start out at a new place. Ho boy, I hear that they have a sweet catering spread there. And they should. Because it will be my birthday.

Have I mentioned that tomorrow is my birthday?

I Guess It Doesn't Matter If You Just THINK You Can Dance

There are about 2,000 dissapointed hopefuls scattered about the 4 blocks radius from my building. All I've been able to overhear through loud, public cellphone conversations as I weaved my way to the pizza parlor was, "No, I didn't make it. But here's the thing..." and, "It was like, 15 minutes they gave us, and I'm like, that's not good enough!" Says the girl will a rolling suitcase. Yikes. I'm so glad I didn't choose a career in the arts. Wait.

I Know I Can Dance

So there is a line around the block of my building because they are holding auditions for "So You Think You Can Dance". I don't really know what else to say about that.

In other news, the new season of Top Model is ON! What I never got about that show are two things. One, that the girsl are butt-ass ugly, and that two, Tyra, Jay and Miss J. all see "something" in them. Also, what the hell is the new channel CW? Anyway, there are a few models to watch:

First Jael. She is half black, half white, and on the exterior she's all white/platinum blonde. It's pretty crazy.

Then there's Natasha, the Russian mail order bride (no joke, her husband is 40), who says such interesting things as "There are so many girls here who look like man. I don't think woman should look like man, I am woman!" and "All English I learn in Russian is 'hello my name is Natasha' and 'I love you'. My husband is good man. He bring me here."

Ugh.

I need more coffee.

In other news, I had an exciting trip to Forever 21 yesterday after a disappointing day prior. I mean, it's just a birthday party tomorrow kids... am I right? Oh yeah! Hey guess what- if you haven't already read the billboard I put up on the BQE, I saved this woman's beagle puppy a few months ago. Anyway, I invited her to my birthday and she's coming! I only met her that one time and have spoken with her on the phone a bit. It'll be like an Oprah reunion episode. Now if I can only remember what she looks like.