Tickets To The Gun Show

Barack Obama Arrives To Town Hall With His Own Assault Rifle, Asks Motherfuckers if They'd "Like To Dance"
August 18, 2009

PHOENIX- In an unusual move, President Barack Obama arrived to a health care Town Hall at the First Congregational United Church of Christ wearing his trademark blue suit, red tie, and an M16 assault rifle strapped around his chest.

"Now, as I have said before, this health care reform is not going to drastically change anything. If you like your current health insurance, you can keep it," he said while lightly fingering the muzzle of his Colt ACR/M16A2E2 fitted with ELCAN C79 scope, "Make no mistake. The cost of our health care is an escalating burden on our families and businesses."

President Obama spoke for about 20 minutes to the unusually hushed crowd, highlighting the need for the potential bill with personal stories. "It's unsustainable for Americans like Cindy Abramson, a young mother that I met in New Hampshire just last week, who's learned that the breast cancer she thought she'd beaten had spread to her bones, but who's now being forced to spend time worrying about how to cover the $50,000 in medical debts she's already accumulated," he stressed while shifting his right hand to the integrated rear sight assembly charging handle of the weapon, adding, "All she wants to do is spend time with her two children and focus on getting well. It's not too much to ask, is it? That's what I thought you candy asses."

Mr. Obama didn't specifically refer to his new accessory until the end of the speech. "Small business owners like Ron and Annie Smith in St. Paul are also struggling," he said before declaring, "Oh, I'm sorry, I'll bet you didn't realize you were getting tickets to the gun show today. Fuckers."

Some attendees like Janet Hall were a bit put off by the President's speech. "I was a little surprised," she said, "Not by the gun, but more by the way he started waving it around when he said something about the AMA. He kind of lost me when he pointed it at that guy who asked a question about socialism and made a boom noise."

Not everyone was unhappy with the President's speech. "I thought he was great," said 24 year old Brad Farner, "I don't really care for the reform thing but I kind of want to hang out with him."

Obama finished the talk after only 3 questions were asked, much to the apparent disappointment after encouraging of the crowd to participate. "Are you sure there's NO ONE who wants to ask me anything?" he challenged while slowly weaving through the aisles lifting his rifle with astonishingly measured discipline adding, "I could go on all day." One man was mistakenly targeted by Obama as a potential volunteer only to realize the highly decorated Vietnam vet was not raising one but rather two hands in the air.

"Well I guess that just about does it for me," Obama finished, "I think I've made my point."

Obama's next stop will be at the First Lutheran Church of Kentucky where he is rumored to arrive in an armored T90 tank.