McCain's World

And now, a transcript of McCain's speech last night:

Thank you. Thank you all very much. Thank you.

Tonight, I have a privilege given few Americans: the privilege of accepting our party's nomination for president of the United States.

Thank you. Thanks. And I accept it with...

Thank you. I -- and I accept it with gratitude, humility, and confidence.

Let's get down to the nitty gritty. I'm a maverick. And not like Tom Cruise in that movie about volleyball, I'm talking a true blue American maverick. You think you know what I'll do? Guess what- you're wrong. Dead wrong. BANG!

You just thought I had a gun there, didn't you?! Everyone... get up. No really there's no need- no, that was just me saying 'B-A-N-G'. Secret Service man, please, I'm OK just... just tell everyone in your sleeve that I'm fine. OK, are we all settled? Are we settled?

So when I said 'bang' and mind you all, these fingers are doing the air quotes, you all thought I had a gun. And guess what- I could. I could get my hands on a goddamn gun any time I damn well please. And that keeps people on their toes. You think I'm choosing Romney as a running mate? Ka-POW I gave you a Palin. You think I'm all up in GW Bush's ass? Boo-YA! I'm not voting with him on everything! I'm CRAZY like that? Unexpected! Hey guess what...

(Does a cartwheel)

This old body takes a licking and keeps on ticking! I say I'll cut your taxes, I may damn well raise them! Look! I'm going off the teleprompter right now and WINGING IT BABY! That's what we like to call a little bit of the old improv. And check this out- (runs off the stage; kisses Laura Bush full on the lips), no one saw THAT one coming did they? Ha ha! In your face Bush! What are you gonna do about it? I'm unpredictable! I'M UNPREDICTABLE! For the first time in my life I'm as free as a bird and..."

[Transmission cut off due to satellite error]