The Issues

OK, we've ALL seen the photo of Sarah Palin, the one where she's showing off her long muscular legs and tight little waist in that slutty "I'm a bad secretary" shirt/skirt combo and the hooker heels. No, this is not photoshopped. But let's get to the issues, people. To help you all get back on the political track, I have found an advance copy of the speech Sarah Palin plans to give tonight at the RNC.

"Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for that rousing ovation. My fellow Americans, thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.

I stand here before you not just a mother of five, a soon to be grandmother and a dutiful wife and lover. I stand before you in my Chiffon Ruffle Hem Halter Dress from Forever 21 and my clear heels to show you all that you can stomp the glass ceiling and look great doing it!

I'd like to thank Hillary Clinton for blazing the path of women like me, women who were just suburban housewives, who just had a normal ho-hum existence, who one day woke up and said by gum, I'm gonna try me some politics! And that's just what Hillary Clinton did, as what I have done.

Hillary, like myself, was, up until a few years ago just baking cookies and maneuvering the family mini-van. And like her, I, too, decided to say hold the phone- I'm gonna make a difference. Not that being the mother isn't the best job in the world. And I've done that five times! Ha ha!

Thank you. Thank you. Please, sit down. Now, I'd like to address a very personal and private matter, and that is of my daughter, Bristol. Stand up, sweetie. There she is. As you all know, a few months ago, my beautiful daughter opened up her precious flower to a very special little bee. And now together they have made a blessed miracle. I'd like to applaud my little girl for making such a brave and bold choice. I love you, plumtree.

And now, back to the issues! This campaign stands for what I stand for. And that is

[to be added in by aides later]

So ladies and gentlemen we can make this country strong again! We can make our men proud! All the country needs is a WOMAN'S TOUCH!!!"