I'm A Sucker For Slow Animal Montages And Chick Songs

Okay, I'm not made of wood. And maybe I was a little tipsy from the prosecco I sipped at an Oscar bash, but when I got home I saw that ASPCA commercial with Sarah McLachlan where she's got that huge old yellow lab on her lap that must be like, 34 or something, and then there's a montage of some of the cutest fucking dogs and cats you'll see in your entire life under one of her songs. I mean, really. So for $18 a month (60 cents a day) you can sponsor an animal. So I joined, okay? But here's what you get- you receive a T-shirt and one of those Lance Armstrong bands but it's red and it says "I Love Animals" or "Petstrong" or something, and a picture of the animal you sponsor. And for every person who donates, Sarah McLachlan will personally visit and sing her hit "Building a Mystery" to every animal in every shelter in the continental US. For an extra $5 she'll perform "Possession". It's a win-win.