When You Gotta Go

Okay, what?

Not So Cute

Most people will look at this picture and go, "Oh, cute hamster with a big dog!" but all I notice is that the dog is trying to sniff the hamster's butt.

I'm A Winner

Well, it's official.

I WON MY FANTASY DEATH POOL CELEBRITY LEAGUE!!!

It was close for a while but I drove it in for a landslide towards the end. I was up 70 points by the time the contest ended. Unfortunately I cannot actually claim the money because although I am ahead, the super delegates voted for someone else. Oh, well. At least I have bragging rights.

Curious

It smells like something has died under my desk today. Oh wait... no, that's just Luke Perry's career.

But seriously, it really does smell. Also, someone's been at my desk because there's a screwdriver here and I don't mean the drinking kind.

Pee-Riffic

I hate going to the bathroom on our floor because we share the floor with a big real-estate company that is mostly women and there's always a conference or fashion show or something going on in there. Also the women are rude and they like to talk on the phone while they're peeing.

Dated

My co-workers are right now making a J-Date profile for a guy who works in the office upstairs. The problem is, he doesn't know. They're just trying to help because he got back together with this girl who's all wrong for him and he's never been more miserable. My job is to procure a good picture of him. I can't believe we're doing this.

I love Daniel Holloway, a writer for Metro NY. He brought up a funny point today after Barack Obama said that Will Smith should play him if there were a movie about his life because they both have the ears. Holloway then thought about who would play various presidential candidates. A good observation was Mike Huckabee would be played by Larry the Cable Guy.


So now it's poll time.

Confusion

Last night I came home to find a DVD of an open mic performance I was a part of a few weeks ago. I pop it into the computer and start to watch it. At one point while I'm singing, the camera zooms in on my face and I'm all, "Sweet," and then I notice my dog is staring up at the computer and cocking his ears. So I tilted the screen down and said, "Look, that's me." For a dog with arthritis, dwarf legs and ten years on him, I have never seen him jump up so fast. Balancing the top paws of his ridiculously disproportioned body in my lap, Stumpy McCircusfreak started desperately sniffing at the screen. Then he looked at me, looked back at the screen, sniffed again, then jumped down and just stood there looking really confused. He then forgot where he was because he has the attention span of a goldfish and lay down on the ground to lick himself.

Can dogs really see images on the computer like that? I thought they were colorblind and saw upside down.

Old People Are Funny

So I was trying to fax something to my boss' 80 something year old stepfather, and it just didn't work so I called him and asked if I wrote down the right number.

He said, "Oh, that's my ex-wife's fax number. Sorry! We've been divorced for some time."

Um...

It Puts The Lotion In The Basket

I don't think this guy knows his dog is possessed. Then again, I don't think his dogs know that their owner is probably a serial killer.

Babies

Obama: A terrorist, Hil?

Clinton: I told you, I don't know who released that picture! It could have been anyone.

Obama: It's not just a photo Hil, it's clearly photoshopped.

Clinton: How do you know?

Obama: Seriously, Hil. The picture is of a terrorist with a missile holding a Koran, and my face is cut an pasted on top of it.

Clinton: No it's not.

Obama: Yes it is.

Clinton: Maybe you shouldn't have dressed like a terrorist and picked up a Koran in front of a camera.

Obama: Seriously?

Bill Clinton emerges.

Bill Clinton: Hey guys. 'Sup?

Obama: Bill, what are you doing with those scissors and glue?

Bill Clinton: What scissors and glue?

Clinton: I don't see any scissors and glue.

Obama: That picture there is a cut out of my head, and that over there is a picture of an alligator eating a baby.

Bill Clinton: So?

Obama: So, I think that you were going to glue that picture of my head on the alligator to make it look like I was eating that baby.

Bill Clinton: No, I wasn't.

Obama: I fucking hate you guys.

New News

OMG the Hillary camp just revealed that Barack Obama is a Muslim terrorist! No, I'm joking. They just released this weird photo to TMZ.

So Funny

I'd like to meet the dildo who pulled the emergency brake on the train this morning. There's nothing like taking four trains to work. Luckily I always get in before my boss because she doesn't understand the concept of time. Oh, and to all those people who run full speed to get into a train before the doors close and then stop once they're in the train even though there's a lot of room for you to move? F@#k you, and I will continue to bump into your back.

Spell This

From the Newsweek website:

"German police dogs are being trained to walk in shoes to prevent paw inhuries."

Are inhuries what you get when you fall down because you are in a hurry?

Hint Dropped

Wow. I really like this shirt. Wish I had a birthday coming up. Oh, wait.

Enchanting

The lead male dancer in this from last night's Oscar's is my friend's brother!!! He is such a cool guy. He looks even better dressed as a fairytale prince.

What A Pickle!!!

First of all, for the last half hour I had another allergy scare- basically my throat got super itchy and that's what happened the last time. Luckily it didn't swell up but I think I'm going to ask the boss people to buy me an air purifier because I'm allergic to something here. Maybe it's all that crappy Home Depot stock they bought a while back. That'll cause anyone to break into hives.

But on a fun note, it's my boss' birthday today so when I called her credit card company about a finance charge and pretended to be her like I always do, they saw it was "my" birthday so they waived the finance charge. I was like, "Awesome!" And then I remembered that it was neither my birthday nor do I have a $75,000 credit limit.

I'm A Sucker For Slow Animal Montages And Chick Songs

Okay, I'm not made of wood. And maybe I was a little tipsy from the prosecco I sipped at an Oscar bash, but when I got home I saw that ASPCA commercial with Sarah McLachlan where she's got that huge old yellow lab on her lap that must be like, 34 or something, and then there's a montage of some of the cutest fucking dogs and cats you'll see in your entire life under one of her songs. I mean, really. So for $18 a month (60 cents a day) you can sponsor an animal. So I joined, okay? But here's what you get- you receive a T-shirt and one of those Lance Armstrong bands but it's red and it says "I Love Animals" or "Petstrong" or something, and a picture of the animal you sponsor. And for every person who donates, Sarah McLachlan will personally visit and sing her hit "Building a Mystery" to every animal in every shelter in the continental US. For an extra $5 she'll perform "Possession". It's a win-win.

He's Grrreat

I love stories entitled: Zoo Tiger Escapes, Takes a 30 Minute Stroll. I guess this little guy got out and was wandering the zoo. According to the article, he might have been "looking for his partner Chrissie." Wait... was Chrissie missing too? Is Chrissie another tiger and if not, who is Chrissie? Now I'm really worried.

Oscar Fever. Catch It!!!

Bosslady: I need you to do a really stupid favor for me.

Me: OK.

BL: I need you to go to my sister's house.

Me: Sure.

BL: And pick up her Oscar.

Me: Oh. That sister.

BL: Guard it with your life.

Me: So I guess I'll be taking a cab.

BL: Oh, yes.

When I got back everyone in the office took turns taking pictures with it. I think mine should be for the category of recognizing excellence in "Accepting Bizarre Tasks with a Straight Face".

San Diego Means...

Okay, this just happened:

Me: Hey, do you have a tampon?

Co-Worker: Sure! Oh, just so you know, I only use small ones so...

Me: What in the hell are you implying?

Co-Worker (With A Small Vag): Oh, no... no! I didn't mean... uh.

Don't Complain About The Food

God bless the Weekly World News. I had forgotten what a gem of a paper it is until recently. Check out this article about an airline run by terrorists: "No one's going to hijack a plane when everyone else on the plane is a crazed terrorist," Humad says. "Sure, terrorists are crazy, but we're not crazy enough to get on a plane that might be hijacked."

---

FLY THE UN-FRIENDLY SKIES

TERRORISTS have formed their own airline -- because they're afraid of getting on a plane that could be hijacked by other terrorists!

That's the incredible claim made by Amir Humad, a Saudi terrorist who was recently captured and is being held in a top-secret location.

"No one's going to hijack a plane when everyone else on the plane is a crazed terrorist," Humad says. "Sure, terrorists are crazy, but we're not crazy enough to get on a plane that might be hijacked."

Ironically, El-Al Queda, as the new airline is called, is the result of increased security on other airlines.

"It's hard to be a good terrorist when you can't even take a pair of box cutters on a plane," Humad says.

In fact, El-Al Queda has a very different approach to security.

"If you're NOT carrying a bomb or a weapon, it's hard to get on," an El-Al Queda baggage handler says. "We're in the business of spreading WMDs. We can't give seats to every little terroristwannabe."

And in the event a bomb does go off, blowing up the plane, the terrorists say there's no way to know which bomb caused it -- so each of the terrorists would get the 72 virgins they're promised when they go to heaven as a martyr.

"It's a win-win situation," says Humad.

Achoo

Okay, everyone in my office is either pretending to be sick or actually sick because all of my co-workers have taken at least 10 days off each since the bonuses were given out. Today we are missing three people. However, I haven't gotten sick all year. Save for the occasional cold and near death scare, I don't have whatever it is they have. I know I'm jinxing myself, but I think the only thing I'll catch is a big case of lazy.

We Can Do It, Gang

Hey guys, if you haven't already heard, a really cool bar in my neighborhood is closing. But instead of crying about it, why don't we do something about it all 80's movie-like? No, seriously- hear me out.

They need to raise some money. Well, if we put our thinking caps on and work together, by golly gee, we can save the after school community center bar! Think about it- there's ways to win money all over this hifalutin' town. Take this karaoke competition as an example- the winner gets $50,000. That's a lot of money!

So let's do it, guys. But make sure you steer clear of mean old Mr. Bosley's son and his riff-raff gang. They'll give us all heck even though he's dating Susan, and Susan's really cool. I even actually touched her boob once. Aw, who am I kidding- Susan only likes breakdancers. Waaaaait a minute...

On a serious note, it is sad but there are many happy memories to be had. If anyone wants to start a band for a talent show to win money to save the place or enter a karaoke competition, let me know. And ex-boss, you know I'd do the same for your place.

Love,

Tempy

Beagle Mania

Okay, this beagle puppy is freaking cute. Almost as cute as Uno the winner of Westminster whose show name is "Champion K-Run's Park Me In First" by the way.

This Is Riduculous

I don't normally steal from my friend's blogs but this is so amazing I have to share it. Thank you, Adventures in Brooklyn.

Fun With Technology

Holy crow, did you know on evite you can make a "party profile"? It's a character you develop and when people see your evite they click on it and it speaks!!! Here's mine. I think next time I'll pick the Jesus graphic. It's hours of fun!

Hippocrite

Okay, this is the cutest freaking thing ever- after the tsunami of 2004 a homeless baby hippo befriended a 100 year old tortoise.

The hippo's all: "OMG! You're my new mom!" and the tortoise is all, "Ahh! Young whippersnappers stealing from my turnip patch!!!"

Dog Day Evening

For further proof that my dog is slowly going senile, here's a good story. The other night we're laying on the couch when I noticed an untouched pig ear on the floor. He loves pig ears. So figuring that he was just too lazy to go down and get it, I kind of nudged it next to him on the couch. First he looked up and started sniffing in that general direction. Proud that my little plan worked, I watched as he slowly pulled himself up, nose twitching in curiosity towards the pig ear.
Then, distracted by an itch, he zeroed in on his ass and started furiously chewing at his butt.



When he was done he looked up and looked really out of sorts, kind of like when you walk into a room to get something and then you forget what it was you wanted to get. He then proceeded to sit awkwardly on the edge of the couch and pant for about five minutes.

Then he turned to me and regaled me with stories of WWII.

Whoops!

So I guess there's a satellite that is careening towards earth which is "fine" because there is only a 1 in 4 chance it will hit land, and even then there's only a 1 in 2 chance that the toxic chemicals it will emit will harm someone or something. But just to be safe, the government is going to shoot it down. We're fighting the war there so we don't have to fight it here. Even though we're the ones who... put it there. But what really gets me is that they're not shooting it down out of safety concerns for those people on the ground. Instead they are worried that if the Russians get a hold of it, they'll get all these spy secrets about us. Oh, and it's 1985.

Earplugs

It's totally cool that my boss found me and my co-worker watching a video of Bai Ling sing a song about masturbation. I mean, it is Friday.

Heidi 2.0

Think this sweet innocent farmgirl knows she will be bald soon?

Serious Job

Apparently I'm not just watching a puppy this weekend, I'm constructing a nuclear reactor. This is the instruction manual I got from the owner. I actually might not even be watching her because another co-worker of mine really wants to do it because her and her fiance are thinking of getting a dog and this would be good practice. I'll probably have the dog for one day just because it's been too long since my house smelled like urine.

Oh, there's a page two but I figure if I'm not going to bother reading it, neither should you.

Cake, Please

For those of you who have yet to see Eddie Izzard's stand up called "Dressed to Kill", at least check this clip out. I love this guy.

Money Update

... My co-worker just found $76 in an old account in California!!!

Free Money

Okay, you guys have to do this right now- it's the Unclaimed Funds website for New York State. If any of you have ever had a bank account in New York, you might have some unclaimed funds. The money will just go to the government if you don't check. If you aren't from New York there is a way to check nationally but you'll have to google that yourselves because I'm not your fucking secretary. My friend did this a few years ago and got like, $8,000. I had an old savings account as a kid after my parents sued this big store for a faulty display of glass that fell on me when I was seven. That's why I am so horribly disfigured. Anyway, the money was set to go to school and my mom can't remember if she closed the account after she took the money out. So I go on this website and put in my name and it says the name of the bank that I had an account in. I went ahead and sent in the paperwork. You should all try this!

I saw it advertised on NY1 today so I know it's legit.

In One Ear

I was just on the phone listening to this guy tell me what state and federal work posters I have to order and while he was talking I just wasn't listening- kind of like when Mike Huckabee talks about god or anything. Next thing you know, I ordered $100 worth of posters but it's okay because I got approval.

These guys have an unlimited Amex and all I do is throw it around like a freaking ragdoll. "Oh, so and so really wants 2 cases of Vitamin Water? It shall be so."

With my luck these posters will arrive and they'll look like this:

Woof

I don't mean to post a lot of things about dogs today, but it just so happened that my I woke up to find that my dog vomited a little bile this morning. I have a vague recollection of hearing him whine in the middle of the night, but I just assumed he was remembering an old episode of Lassie. So I googled it, because I'm too cheap to go to a vet, and it could be anything from allergies to motion sickness to, "Oh, it's Thursday - time to vomit." I need to teach him how to do it in the toilet just like any other self respecting man.

Whoop Whoop!

Hey, that's the fashion police driving by! You're under arrest! No, but seriously, what was the "story" behind this? You know how designers have a story, like "This look is for the young traveler from Italy who finds herself in a Parisian fountain with doves," and then a model walks out with a white flowy dress? Was this story like, "She's a young Scottish bride who is driving to her wedding when a deer jumps out of nowhere and impales her with its antlers as she hits it head on. In a field of lilacs." Help me out here, people.

Animal House

This is the puppy I'll be watching this weekend. I know it looks like a furry rat. Maybe I'll toss it in the hole in the wall to give the other rat some company (kidding)!

Can you believe this thing cost $1,500? I'm going to spend that much on cleaning supplies alone this weekend.

Puppy Love

Is it weird that all I've done this morning is watch Uno the beagle's winning moments at Westminster on YouTube? Is it weirder that a few weeks ago a Staples representative scheduled a meeting with me and I totally forgot and he's sitting 5 feet away and I'm making him wait as I write this?

Winner

And now the creepiest picture of the year award goes to this of a woman with American flag contact lenses cuz you know, nothing says patriotism like a small film of plastic over one's eye.

Playing Shy

Peek a boo! Peeeeek a boo! Ha ha, I shall freeze you with my charm! There I am! Ha ha!

Get Me Some Drugs

I woke up this morning with the worst muscle spasm. I took an Alleve and it did nothing. Just thought I'd share.

Westminster Fever

A beagle won this year' s Westminster Dog show. A beagle! For the first time ever.

And now, a blast from the past. I created this years ago but I have to bring it back:

What is Your Westminster Dog Show Name?

Everyone knows that the esteemed dogs in the Westminster Dog Show have some pretty funky names. Who can forget 1997’s Best of Breed for Sporting Dogs, “Champion Quailfield's Mak'N Business”?

Well, now it’s your turn to find out what your Westminster Dog Show name would be were YOU a purebred angel.

Here’s how it works…first, take the first letter of your first name. Match it to this list:

A: Triumph’s
B: Ramblin’
C: Rose
D: Zion’s
E: Just Enuff
F: Bit O’ Gold
G: Supernatural
H: Seabury
I: Havana
J: Skyline
K: Willow Wind
L: Briar Hill
M: Dignity
N: Partridgewood
O: Spotlight’s
P: Sterling
Q: Windwalkers
R: Kahoot’s
S: Lake Cove
T: Fairewood
U: Sweetsounds
V: Tuckaway
W: Jo Jac’s
X: Cedwood’s
Y: Ho-Han
Z: Barrage

So, if your name starts with a “Q”, your first name will be “Windwalkers”

Now, take the first letter of your last name, and match it to this list:

A: Mr. H. Bogart Jr.
B: House on Fire
C: First Edition
D: Quality Hill
E: Honor of Whitehall
F: Titan Treasure
G: Best Foot Forward
H: Iron Man
I: That’s My Boy
J: Affectionately
K: Gone A Sailin’
L: Of My Love
M: Rock and Roll
N: Taylor Maid
O: Awesome Blossom
P: Money Talks
Q: In the Nick of Time
R: Bee Serious
S: Leroy Brown
T: Desert Dancer
U: Pouring It On
V: Rumor Has It
W: Tickle Me Silly
X: Proof Positive
Y: Billy The Kid
Z: King O’ Rock and Roll

Now, put “Champion” in front of that. Because we are all Champions.

So, if your name were “Lance Green”, your Westminster Dog Show Name would be: Champion Briar Hill Best Foot Forward. That’s it!

Audit? I Don't Even Know It

I got a 1099 from a gig I got this year and I figured I'd ask the in-office accountant how I put that into Turbo Tax. Then I was all, "Well, what if I just 'forget' to put it in? Because once I do, I'll get like, no money back. Wink wink." Like, he's an accountant- he's supposed to be able to tell me how to screw the government. Turns out you can't because it will "show up" on their "computer", and by "show up" I mean "rain on" and by "computer" I mean "my parade".

The Primaries

A deserted warehouse. On a table are medical instruments and supplies.

Doctor: If it works, it will be brilliant.

Obama: And if it doesn't?

Clinton: Bar, it's the best chance we've got.

Obama: Hil, if anything happened to you I'd...

Clinton: Shhhhhhhh (finger to her lips, to his, back to hers). This guy is highly recommended by my husband.

Doctor: It's true. I am the one who killed Vince Foster.

Clinton: Dr. F!

Doctor: What? It's true.

Obama: Okay, so let's say it does work...

Doctor: Simply, I take each of your DNA's and build a super human clone that you will then morph with, Osmosisly. I think...

Obama: Osmosisly?

Doctor: Yes.

Obama: That's not a word.

Doctor: Yes it is.

Obama: No, it's not.

Doctor: Osmosisly- in or having to do with osmosis. Osmosisly. O-S-M-O...

Obama: Okay, okay fine! So then, what?

Doctor: Well then we get the best of both of you into one human form. I like to call it... The Clobama.

Clinton: I love it.

Obama: I prefer The Obaminton.

Clinton: That sounds like a fucking sport or a ritzy hotel.

To be continued...

Party

Now that I'm a rock star, (I had the pleasure of singing two songs in a set for my very talented Patientboy, along with my main cats Steve and Wojo last night), I've decided to get really reclusive and blog poorly. For example, Lily Allen, the British songstress/talk show host (?) recently blogged about everything from the computer she writes on to what she ate yesterday.

Aw, who am I kidding. I'll need a drug habit or a fling with a British man who doesn't shower, then have a career and then lose it first. And then my friends, you'll have something to look forward to.

Why Some People Suck

I don't know Paris Hilton personally, I've just seen her naked and hear she has herpes. And I'm not one to make fun of vapid, ego maniacal untalented celebrities unless they do something like this- Paris Hilton dropped her cat off to get neutered last month and hasn't yet picked it up. Citing abandonment, it was returned to the place she adopted it from.

Okay, seriously? It's not a crime to be dumb but it should be a crime to bring animals into the picture. Anyone who has a pet and doesn't pay attention to it/walk it/pet it/whisper sweet nothings into its ear/feed it is automatically a suck-head in my book.

Also, I don't need to see another reason for the gossip blogs to make Paris-cat-pussy jokes. Enough, people.

Just Like Comedy

Waiter, there's a hare in my salad! Get it? A HARE!!! Ha, ha... ah... yeah.

Mr. Rat

If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. This weekend I thought, what the hey, maybe my rat and I should just get lit over a nice ice cold glass of wine.

I Hate Facebook But

... I had to join this group. Especially since the man himself referred to his Facebook site this morning:

"I love when Pat Kiernan reads me the newspaper in the morning". 157 members, oh, wait- 158.

Pets

Hmmmm. Maybe I shouldn't have agreed to watch my co-worker's 2 month old puppy this weekend.

Training

My dog can do this, I just couldn't pull off the outfit:

Copy Kat

Out copy machine is from 1972 and I'm on the phone with a technician who is walking me through fixing the machine and I feel like I'm diffusing a bomb.

Puddles

I have had to pee for so long and haven't that now I want to see how long I can hold it in.

What Do You Think

Is this

a. American Idol winner Kelly Clarkson
b. Your hostess at Country Kitchen
c. Pornography for George Bush

Quotation Marks

And now, a Quote of the Day from today's Metro:

Party Planning

So the bar I used to work at is turning 10 this year (yikes!) and I am the official co-party planner. My main job is to get all the old bartenders that have ever worked there to show up, and luckily it's been easy. But I had trouble tracking down one of my favorites- this Irish guy who I used to work Fridays with. He's the kind of guy who would delegate bullshit tasks to me like, "Can you count the ice cubes for me," or he'd ask me to tie his shoelaces for him when he was making a tough order and I'd kneel down only to find he was joking.

One time, we made a bet about something, and the loser had to buy the winner a shirt. But the winner had to agree to wear the shirt on their shift the next week. So I lost and had to get a special shirt made. But of what? Well, a year prior, we had a Tiki themed party and the owner built a Tiki Hut above the bar. Then he forgot to remove it, so for a year all we heard from customers was, "What's up with the Tiki Hut?" Needless to say it was soooooooooo annoying.

So the next week when it was my job to bring in the shirt, I got one that said, "Ask Me About the Tiki Hut!" He had to wear it all night and it was awesome.

He got me back pretty bad when I had to clean up the bar on new year's day and he kept prank calling the bar, saying he left something from the night before. Examples:

"Hi. I lost a... a piece of confetti. It's green."

"Hello. I lost my metrocard. It's yellow and brown."

"Have you found my drink?"

Anyway, I haven't seen him in two years. I just spoke to him and the first words out of his mouth are, "No matter what you say, I am not working for you tonight."

Sightings

There are always celebrities on the street where I work. I've seen Julianne Moore, some models, and my co-worker yesterday saw Star Jones. But I just saw the awesomest- Chris Noth, aka, Mr. Big from Sex in the City. Know what? He's mighty friggin handsome in person.

I Need A Psychic

OK you guys, I need some help. I am currently third in the celebrity fantasy league. Here's a list of who is available to swap in. Which one of the following celebs do you think will go into rehab within the next week?

Jameson, Jenna
Sutherland, Kiefer
Aiken, Clay
Osbourne, Kelly
Grenier, Adrian
Damon, Matt
Lively, Blake
Richards, Denise
Miller, Sienna
Gellar, Sarah Michelle
Keaton, Diane
Urban, Keith
Willis, Rumer
Wentz, Pete
Duff, Hilary
Diaz, Cameron
Patridge, Audrina
Penn, Sean
Hewitt, Jennifer Love
Dickinson, Janice
Nicholson, Jack
Moore, Demi
Bratman, Jordan
Leto, Jared

Always A Pleasure

So last night as I was heading out to meet my teammates from the celebrity death pool fantasy league, I was stopped by, yes, who else- the super's crizayzay girlfriend. This time she was in really rare form if that's possible. Apparently my "mom and all the other transsexuals" are going to get "water in the brain" and blah blah blah. So I met up with the gossip crew at my local bar when who do I run into but my upstairs neighbor. This isn't the first time we've run into each other at the same watering hole so either she or I have a drinking problem.

Anyhoo, I told her about the super's GF, so later she went home and then she calls me- someone turned all the lights off in the hallway again. The next thing I know, she's back at the bar with a bag and is all, "I can't stay there! I'm going to my boyfriend's house" and I'm all, "shit". So I introduced her to the ladies on the league, next thing I know they're all hitting it off so I took my cue to leave so that if there was someone lurking in the hallway I didn't want to be too drunk to practice my sweet capoiera moves.

Luckily I got home safe, and this morning, I woke up to this note under my door from the landlord. Mind you, English is his first language.

Telephone

This is a conversation i just had with my boss on the phone:


Me: Can I pay the woman for your child's singing lessons this month?

Her: What?

Me: Can I pay [name] for your daughter's singing lessons?

Her: Oh! I thought you were asking me if you could take singing lessons this month!

Me: Well, that'd be nice. This notary thing isn't working out.

You Mean...

This is what I hear as I step into the conference room to clear the coffee thermoses while a meeting is going on :

Random dude: "Well, my company was responsible for the giant supply of Hydroquinone to Michael Jackson so he could lighten his complexion."

What? The next think you know they'll be telling me that Tom Cruise is gay or that the Tooth Fairy doesn't exist.

The Fuck-It List

I was watching television last night when I saw quite possibly the most depressing thing ever. It was this douchebag couple who started their own religion called the Fellowship of the Woodlands (I am not making this up). Anyway, they were hawking their new book called One Month to Live, and they have a website, OneMonthToLive.com. Seriously.

But then I started thinking... what if I had one month to live. What would I do?

1. Quit my job
2. Tell those special people how much I love them
3. Give away all of my belongings
4. Travel the world
5. Sky dive (why not? I'm already half dead)
6. Put on a one woman show with all of the material I have ever written, crappy or not, and guilt trip everyone to see it
7. Try heroin
8. Write a book

OK, so really, the point of that exercise is to look at the list and say, "Golly hey, I have more than a month to live, and I want to do ALL those things! And I can!" No, but seriously. And I think we can all agree that it's not that simple; that if I did even half of those things on my list I'd be a homeless junkie.

What would you do?

Puppy

It it just me or is this dog kind of ugly? Ok, maybe not ugly, but slightly disturbing? I think maybe it's because this dog's name is Sunshine and it clearly looks like it's been dipping its nose in a coal mine. And then there's the unibrow effect. Sort of kind of looks like Selma Hayek in that movie.


Selma: