Finally...

Cards canceled. Passport, Fedexed. Flight, secure.

Having some guy who works for the other company tell you he spilled water in the conference room it's not your job to clean? Priceless. Suck it up with your coke straw, jackass; I'm gone.

No, I Had Nothing To Do

Of course two hours before I leave for a week my boss in LA loses her wallet.

So now I have to FedEx her passport, cancel her credit cards, book a backup flight...

That's right, Tempy's going away. But I'll be back. Until then, read your TMZ.

Feeling Twitchy

I've has an eye twitch for the last 14 hours. You know the little fluttering kind that make you look and feel utterly dumb? Being the good card-carrying-WebMD-checking hypochondriac that I am, I found this:

"What Is Eye Twitch?

Eye twitches are commonly known as (big word), which is defined as the repetitive and rhythmic contraction of the eyelid muscles which usually affects both eyes. Eye twitches are also less commonly known as (bigger word), which is defined as the twitching or continuous movement of muscle fiber groups. Sometimes eye twitch is confused with (scary word), which is the jerking or jumping of the eye itself. This is an entirely different condition and an optometrist or ophthalmologist should be able to make a proper diagnosis after a full examination. "

Uh oh. Let's hope my whole eye doesn't make a run for it. Well Dr. Web, what causes this odd phenomena?

"Why Does My Eye Twitch?

Eye twitches can be triggered by a variety of different factors. Some of the conditions that cause eye twitches are environmental, some are physiological, and some are psychological in nature. Below is a list of some of the more common causes of eye twitch:

- Fatigue or lack of sleep
- Over consumption of caffeine
- Physical or emotional stress
- Anxiety or phobias
- Brain damage or other neurological disorders
- Associated with temper tantrums (especially in children)
- Eye stress associated with extended viewing of the computer screen
- Epilepsy"

Check, check, check, CHECK, maybe check, kinda check, yes check, ...uh... not check?

My eye is still twitching.

Nice To Meet You

Today a co-worker of mine ran into the guy who the movie The Pursuit of Happyness is based on. I guess she recognized him from Oprah. After he gave her a big hug (which she didn't ask for, ps) she went right to it.

Co Worker: "Can I ask you a personal question?"

Guy: "Sure!"

CW: "Whatever happened to your damn wife?"

Nice.

Don't Quit Your Cheer Job

And now, Hayden Panetierre singing the national anthem:

View

This is the last thing you see before you get your eyes scratched out.

Useless Invention # 453

According to the AP:

"Devices exist to keep kids from dying in cars, but few are sold
Your car has a sensor that tells you when you've left the headlights on or the keys in the ignition. It probably has another reminding you and your passengers to buckle your seat belts, and still another that sounds when the door is ajar. Some cars even to tell you when the tires need inflating. But so far, there's no standard equipment to tell you that you've left a child in the back seat of a hot car."

Because it's okay to leave your child unattended in a cool, comfortable car while you get your nails done.

A Thought

Peppermint Patties are like big, soft Junior Mints.

McConnaughty

This just in:

Matthew McConnaughey is shirtless not by choice, but because his shirts are made from low-grade helium, taunting its rightful owner every which way.

Now That's What I Call A Sticky Situation!

The morning dog walk is never without its share of excitement but today's excursion was particularly eventful.

Due to the 18 violations in my building as cited by the Housing Authority, we are getting a new set of stairs among other things. So this morning at 7:50 or so, I open the door to my apartment, thus releasing my dog to scamper down three flights of stairs to the front door. Right when we get to the last flight I realize that I am standing in a pile of glue. Glue that extends all the way down the stairs. And my dog, stuck halfway down the stairs, looking up at me scared and ashamed. First the arthritis, now this. It's getting ridiculous.

I managed to get him down the flight because according to the workman, "It's not that sticky", and we continued on our morning walk.

Fifteen minutes later, we're back and my dog's paws are now covered with leaves, sticks, cigarette buts and other various sidewalk accoutrement. It looks as if he's wearing moccasins made by a five year old for a class project. So... back up the stairs (which now have tiles), and into the tub where the best I can do is pull as much glue off his paws as possible.

I hope he's okay. I know it will fall off eventually, but I have visions of him licking it off his paws all day. Stay strong, little buddy. And don't try to climb any walls while I'm gone.

Set The Record Straight

I have the feeling that some of you don't believe me when I tell you my dog is actually a dwarf. This is from an article at dogstuff.info:

"Dwarfism is a condition of abnor­mally small stature, and usually is characterized by altered body propor­tions. Dachshunds, Basset Hounds, and Corgis are examples of achondroplastic dwarfs; they have more or less normal-sized torsos and heads but shortened limbs, and are accepted as typical of their breed."

But sometimes random dwarfism occurs in dogs. This is a German Shepherd with dwarfism:


There you have it.

You've Got Mail! ...(And Herpes)

This is one of the many eCards available from a website about STD awareness:

Pooch

You see miniature cream long haired Dachshund? I see dwarf dog.


On the other hand, this is the cutest thing ever. If it were a card, what would it say?

"I'm sorry he's not the father of your baby."

Why I Don't Do Good Deeds

This is a crazy story from the Post today:

"Rescuer's Reward: A Carjacking
A good Samaritan pulled an injured driver from a flaming car wreck - only to have the man steal his vehicle and drag him down a Long Island road."

Turns out this guy had stolen a car and was speeding when he rolled off the road. The nice guy saw him and pulled him out of the car, then the man shoved him and stole his car. Awesome. Serves you right, Mr. GoodDeed.

This is the earth. And this is the meek not inheriting.

I'll Have The Veuve

So this girl in the other company won some bet with this guy at Cantor and the terms are he has to treat all the women in their company and mine to a fancy dinner, but it's ladies only so he gives us his credit card. Shut up. We can choose the restaurant, and there is no spending limit. Ideas on restaurants? I have already ruled out Chi Chi's and TGI Friday's, thank you very much.

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaapy Biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiir...

I could go out tonight or... you know what? It is Shell Shell's birthday.


Party at my house. Bring your own lettuce.

Welcome To Hollywood

I just turned down paid acting work.

For my dog.

I turned it down because they would not honor my request for them to pay for a car service to Manhattan. That makes it even worse. But don't you worry; Kee Casting has now registered my dog as a working live prop in Brooklyn so we won't have this problem again.

Good Thing I'm Allergic

There's a story in CNN today about a cat that knows when someone at a nursing home is about to die:

"Oscar the cat seems to have an uncanny knack for predicting when nursing home patients are going to die, by curling up next to them during their final hours.

Oscar the cat doesn't like to be put out in the hall when a patient is dying. His accuracy, observed in 25 cases, has led the staff to call family members once he has chosen someone. It usually means the patient has less than four hours to live.

"He doesn't make too many mistakes. He seems to understand when patients are about to die," Dr. David Dosa said in an interview.

The 2-year-old feline was adopted as a kitten and grew up in a third-floor dementia unit at the Steere House Nursing and Rehabilitation Center. "

Awwww... how cute! Unfortunately, this is what the patients see right before they die:

Just In Case

My new favorite site is MailOrderHusbands.net. This is Steven:

According to his profile, "I'm definitely a classic romantic. I like a candlelight dinner, some quiet background music, and a couple hits of ether. I prefer a woman that has insurance and a car would be great as I need to make the occassional (his spelling) trip to Mexico to pick up 'souvenirs'".

Ha ha ha, get it? He does drugs! This site is real people. Check it out. And if you want to know who I chose, here's a hint: He's the one who got booted off Match.com for cyberstalking but he's "better now".

Don't Talk To Me

I took the day off today but my co-workers don't seem to realize that. They keep approaching my cubicle and asking me to "do things". Step away, beeotch, can't you see I'm reading TMZ?

I did do one thing. I went to the bank and made a deposit and then I withdrew $3,000 in cash for my boss. The lady at the bank told me it would be $2 a transaction, then started laughing. "Fooled you!" she said. Hahahahaha. So for payback, when she asked for my ID I gave her my spot-on Jennifer Lopez novelty drivers license. You don't mess with Tempy.

Tempy's Puppy

Anyone want to watch my arthritic couch potato dog for seven days next week?

(I'm serious)

Assistance

Have you ever seen The Devil Wears Prada? Well, not only was it produced by my boss' sister but they filmed the townhouse scenes in the Girl Next To Me's boss's townhouse. Anyhoo, there is a scene going on from that movie as we speak. Luckily it doesn't involve me. Let's just say that somebody from the other company screwed up and a certain important someone could not get on the private plane that was reserved for him three months ago because it was overbooked or something. And there are heads that will roll. All everyone is trying to figure out is whose.

I don't care. Not my company. I'm just waiting for my fried chicken. Yeah, I ordered fried chicken. Shut up; all white meat with corn bread, potato salad and tomato and cucumber salad. Mmmmmm.

List

Things to do today:

- hire a private plane
- pay $45,000 worth of bills
- call Verizon about account fraud
- book a flight to Las Vegas
- check on my reservation at the MGM grand
- FedEx a document to France
- go to the bank

Whew. That's a lot. And I haven't even thought about the work at my office!.

Finished

The quarterly letters are done and it's too late to make any changes so please ignore the slight spelling error I caught on page two at the very last minute. Hey, it wasn't my job to proofread in the first place; I just stuff and seal.

Election Fever

I don't know about you, but I like to judge who I'm going to vote for as a presidential candidate based on their holiday cards. Let's peruse, yes?

Barack Obama:

This one is nice, although it's not so much a holiday theme. It's kind of reminiscent of the photo sequence in the Family Ties opening song. But maybe it's good that it's secular. Plus those kids are too cute.

Okay, now we're on to Hillary Clinton.

Well, it definitely says something, like, "I've been in the White House before and I know where all the supply cabinets are" or something like that. The tree looks like it's about to fall over from the massive amount of finely jeweled ornaments, but it definitely has a regal feel to it. Nice dress, Hil!


Finally, we have Mitt Romney.

It's a great photo but what he fails to mention is that all of the women are his wives.

Thank You?

Here's what just happened:

Co-Worker: "Wow. You don't look 31."

Me: "Thanks!"

CW: "And you don't act 31."

Me:"....."

Losser

Someone put "loses" instead of "losses" in the quarterly letters I finished so I have to reprint and the front pages and replace them.

Misunderstood

What I've been doing the last 10 minutes:

Tempy (on phone, talking to an automated machine) : "Yes... No... Billing...Agent...(pound sign) ...Agent...No...AGENT...AGENT!...Hello? (real person) Yes, we are moving floors and, oh I guess billing. No don't put me on... (hold music hold music hold music hold music hold music hold music hold music hold music hold music hold music hold music hold music hold music hold music hold music hold music hold music hold music hold music hold music) Hello? So we're moving and I need to know what you need from us. Yes. 212-***-****. My name is (Tempy Tempyslastname). Email address? (tempy@********.net). Okay, so that's the department I need? Can you transfer me? You need a minute to give them my information? Sure. (hold music hold music hold music hold music hold music) Hello? Yes. Really? But I thought... okay, 212-***-****. Tempy Tempyslastname. tempy@********.net...

Temp Hop

Today's Metro has a story about the birthplace of Hip Hop, which, strangely enough, was "born" in an apartment complex a few miles down the street from where I grew up:

"Right off the Major Deegan stands a nondescript 100-unit brick high-rise at 1520 Sedgwick Ave. It was recognized this month by the state as the birthplace of hip-hop and is eligible to join the State and National Register of Historic Places."

I grew up on 3850 Sedgwick ave. So I was there when Hip Hop was just a tiny little baby infant, 6 pounds, 4 ounces, so small...

Temperiffic

I just finished the quarterly letters in record time because I am freaking awesome.

Because Project Runway Isn't On

While I was engrossed in the TLC presentation of World's Fattest Man last night, I saw a commercial for this show, Meerkat Manor. It's a reality show but with animals (not to be confused with any season of The Real World). I plan on being hooked.

I Agree

Thanks to speakerphone, everyone can be on my neighbor's conference call.

Task

Dear Windows Mail Merge,

Suck on it.

- Tempy

Who Knew?

This weekend was great. I had an amazing time in the Hamptons with some really wonderful people, got to relax and I now have a slick tan.

Then I got home and went to pick up my dog from a friend's house. He was fine and happy to see me. We're walking around her house chatting, when all of a sudden, my dog collapses on the floor, convulsing and wailing. Somehow his front leg was hurt and he could not walk. After some serious thought and the assurance that lawyergirl would pick up any large tab (thanks again) as I was crying on the phone and the dog was crying on my couch, we hopped a car to Park Slope where there is an emergency clinic.

Long story short it looks like some kind of arthritis/osteocanineperosis or some crap like that. My dog got some sweet painkillers and now we're just waiting and seeing. But then the vet informed me that my dog, being part Bassett Hound, is actually a dwarf. No, listen, he suffers from real dwarfism. According to him, because my dog's head and torso are in proportion and his legs are freakishly short, he and breeds like his are really dog dwarfs, and because of that they are prone to bone problems.

After all this time, who knew. My dog is a dwarf. I'm going to sign him up with central casting so I can at least make some money during the holidays when Macy's needs elves. But on a serious note he was much better this morning. Then again, I'd be doing much better if I were on painkillers and laying on the couch.

Dear God

It's happened. Cheney will officially take over for Bush for the few hours Bush is anesthetized during a colonoscopy on Saturday. I don't know about you but I'm buying flashlights, conserving water and buying a copy of the constitution to keep around as a souvenir of "The Before Time".

Now That's A Fire Hydrant

Here's a headline you don't see every day: Chrysler Pulls SUV Ad With Electrocuted Dog. According to the article it showed a dog peeing on the car and then getting electrocuted. It went on to say, "The ad, which ends with the dog going up in flames, has the tagline 'charged with adrenaline'."

Who's in charge of their advertising, Michael Vick?

The H Is Silent

Say this word: "Huge". How do you say it?

My friends growing up used to make fun of me because I drop the "h" noise. I heard my co-worker doing it just now. "That thing is uuuge!" At least we don't over-pronounce the "h":

Joshua

Canadian researchers claim they have created a computer program that plays a perfect game of checkers and is unbeatable. If you do in fact beat the computer, however, it will start a global thermal nuclear war.

Breakfast

Does oatmeal go bad?

I'm about to find out.

Spoiler Alert!

Uh oh, looks like Tempy got her hands on the entire PDF leak of the new Harry Potter book. If you don't want to know what happens, don't read any further. But if you're like me, you can't wait to see what happens to everyone's favorite little indestructible wizard.

1. Harry dies. But it's not as simple as you may think. Because he is so intertwined with He Who Shall Not Be Named, Harry decides to take his own life in order to ensure the demise of the Dark Lord. But just as he's about to kill himself with his own wand Hara-Kiri style, he trips and falls on his face and bleeds to death. It's a real anti-climactic way to die considering all he's been through really. That's the real tragedy. But before that...

2. Harry knocks Ginny Weasley up. Not much more to say there.

3. Hermione becomes the new Headmaster at Hogwarts, as everyone else in the chain of command has been vaporized.

4. Neville Longbottom takes over where Harry left off, and vows to kill the Dark Lord who was last seen celebrating Harry's Death at the nearest Enchanted Strip Club.

5. Ron Weasley is gay. Duh.

6. Draco Malfoy sires a bastard child with one of the Hufflepuff Girls, and is later sent to the prison Azkaban for refusing take a DNA test.

7. And finally, Hagrid falls in love with and marries one of his Mythical Creatures. We all knew that was going to happen.

Man. I can't wait for the movie.

Ouch

I mean... is this necessary?

Friggin Cats

...and this is the most disturbing thing you will see all day.

Bachshund

This is the cutest f@#king thing you will see all day. It's a beagle/dachshund mix.

You Had Me At Bonjour

Okay, random celebrity sighting as I'm leaving my class early at L'Alliance Francaise. I'm in the hallway waiting for the elevator, when I see this little blond girl on the phone sitting behind me. Shut up, it's Renee Zelwegger.

It took me all I had to keep from doing that little "you complete me" sign as I entered the elevator or saying, "Dorothy Boyd, thank you!". Don't think I didn't seriously consider it. All I could think is, man, she's kissed Tom Cruise. That makes me feel... ambivalent.

"J'ai embrassé un alien!"

Don Juan DeHedgefund

Our 21 year old "intern", ie. his daddy plays racquetball with someone who works here, is wearing pink pants and a blue striped shirt unbuttoned down almost to his navel; I s@#t you not.

Thanks A Lot

Remember those commercials for the doll for boys, "My Buddy"? You know, it's the doll you could buy your gay son to keep him away from the Barbies? Well, the Girl Next To Me put that stupid song in my head because she called me her "buddy". Then she sang a bit of the song. That's all it takes for me to go utterly insane and retain a song on loop in my head for hours. So now, I'll torture you all:

Really?

According to MSNBC, while off camera, Larry King asked Paris Hilton if she votes. Here is the actual conversation:

Larry: "Do you vote?"

Jail Bait: "Oh yes."

Larry: "When did you last vote?"

Droopy Eye: “Last year.”

Larry: "Which election?"

Ms. Fucktard: "Presidential."

Wiiiilbuuuur

This is a scene from the Chinese version of Charlotte's Web. It's just like the American one except they are guinea pigs instead of pigs and there are 34 of them. And there's no spider. And the kids don't really have any emotional attachment to the guinea pigs.

Awesome New York Moment

When I was in high school, I had the biggest crush on this Korean gangster who once carried a gun to school and taught me how to shoot pool. I was reminded of this because of something that happened yesterday on the train.

I was standing in the packed car when a seat became available. Naturally, I slid right into it (Tempy's dexterous), when I saw a woman with twin 3 year olds, a boy and a girl. The girl was sleeping in the stroller and the boy was piled awkwardly on his mother's hip as she attempted to both hold the child and man the stroller. Of course I offered her a seat and she took it. I helped her move into the spot while strolling her daughter a few feet towards her. Everyone on the train clearly felt really bad that they hadn't helped her initially.

I guess I wasn't the only one who felt people should be more observant, so to prove a point, this 20 year old Korean gangster stood up and loudly offered me his seat to thank me for what I did. He then proceeded to stare everyone down as he gave me his seat. Moral of the story? Uh... damn it feels good to get a seat on the train from a Korean gangster.

I Know You Are But What Am I

*ring ring* (Tempy's phone)

Me: Hello, (Company Name).

Man: Hi. Is (my boss) there?

Me: No, May I take a message?

Man: I don't know if you know who I am, but I'm (my boss's uncle) so if I could...

Me: And I'm (Tempy). Nice to meet you.

(silence)

Man: Uh, hi.

Me: Yeah.

Man: Nice to... meet you too.

Me: Great. So, I'll uh... pass that along.

Man: Okay.

*click*

Trippy

Kelly Rowland from Destiny's Child fainted on stage recently and was rushed to the hospital. But nothing will beat the time when the other member of Destiny's Child who isn't Beyonce actually tripped and fell on stage a few years ago and the other girls kept singing.



This clip is only 9 seconds long and totally hilarious.

Pu-Scuse Me

Just now as I'm running errands for my boss twice, twice one of those goddamn tour buses turned in front of me when I had the light. It takes, like, 45 seconds for that thing to turn and by that time the light is already back to red.

Don't you worry, I managed to buy that 12 pack of AA batteries.

Tempy Pretty

This is crazy: http://www.myheritage.com is this website (thanks, Shma Shma) where you scan a picture of yourself, and it tells you what celebrity you most resemble. Well, I didn't need no fancy computer program to tell me I look like this.

My result: Supermodel Valeria Mazza

Get Outta Here

This is the Secure Continuous Remote Alcohol Monitor, or, SCRAM bracelet that is all the rage among the youngsters in Hollywood these days.

Random readings of sweat are taken throughout the day. Each reading is date-stamped, time-stamped, and stored in a memory chip within the SCRAM Bracelet until it is transmitted, via the SCRAM Modem, to SCRAMNET.

I hear you get in some sort of "trouble" if the SCRAM tests positive for alcohol. That's lame. Leave it to the rich and famous to start a new fashion trend that is both unaffordable and impossible for anyone to wear.

What Are Jew Talking About

I don't know what's creepier about this photo: the fact that Jesus's #1 Aryan is hanging out with these young Costa Rican ladies or the guy in the back taking a long, deliberate drag of his cigarette. I think he's a mix between the creepy sweaty Nazi in Raiders of the Lost Ark and that French kid in the South Park movie.


"Did you bring ze buttfor?"

"What's a buttfor?"

"For pooping, silly" (long drag of cigarette)

Think Pink

I just bought a hot pink shower caddy and pink journal with butterflies on it for a 10 year old girl.

Still confused as to what I do for work? Let's just say I'm somebody's little (rhymes with kitch).

Questions/Observations

I firmly believe the salad place deliberately puts extra salad in your clear plastic bowl when you ask for the dressing on the side so you can't possibly toss it yourself because there are leaves falling out all over the place. It's punishment for being difficult.

And why does my cold ginger/carrot soup taste like carrot juice and 7Up? Seriously, if you're in the neighborhood I'll let you try it.

About Time

I just lubricated my shredder.

I'm Sorry I Feel That Way

Oprah has a great article on CNN.com, that I'm sure she wrote herself, which talks about the words, "I'm sorry". I'd like to make a formal apology to the young woman on the train this morning who accidentally got in my way and then wouldn't move.

Hey, you blond skinny bitch. I'm sorry that when I walked through the subway doors, you stopped right in front of me and did not proceed to the middle of the empty train, causing myself and many others to create a congested mass right by the door. I'm sorry that I had to say, "Excuse me" twice because I'm sure you heard me the first time and were just taking time to process the information. I know you speak English because I feel that you do as you don't look like a tourist and you were clearly on your way to work. I'm sorry you are such an inconsiderate, spatially challenged, 5 foot eight, twenty seven year old rail with a nose job and that you totally suck.

Wow Oprah's right; I feel better.

Watch It

I don't know what it is about this job and timepieces, but I just spent the better part of this morning trying to find a Yankees digital alarm clock.

FYI, there is no Yankees digital alarm clock; they all have hands.

Logic

So, I ordered a half of a grapefruit along with my bi-weekly milk delivery, and I got a full orange. But upon closer inspection, I realized it was actually a small grapefruit. But not cut in half. So... does the fact that it's still half the size of a regular grapefruit then make it a half? And if I wanted them to cut it for me, should I have been clearer? And since when is a grapefruit as small as an orange? Maybe it's a baby grapefruit. I'm all levels of confused.

Booty

Okay. Are you sitting down? Get this- So we are moving to a different floor and one of my stranger tasks was to throw everything and I mean everything away that we didn't want that the other office left over. Office supplies, furniture, you name it.

Then we hit the kitchen. My co-worker opens a cabinet. A light shone on her face from the cupboard as she said, "Whooooooooaaa..." Bottles upon bottles of alcohol. I left with one full bottle of really good vodka, a half a bottle of Macallan 18 and a half a bottle of Tanqueray.

Party at my house.

Pass The Milk

Kittens? I eat kittens for breakfast.

What's New

Maybe I'm watching too much "To Catch A Predator" on Dateline (is that even possible?!), but this is my latest discovery: find the registered sex offenders near you.

Out Of Curiosity

Did anyone see a green folder with some really important stuff in it? It was last seen on my desk.

Blaaaaaaaaah

Anyone else have a hard time getting up this morning? Anyone?

Whenever I'm feeling tired or cranky, I just think about how awesome Prince's Superbowl Halftime show was this year. That keeps me going until the coffee kicks in.

It's A Baby

I was walking down the street the other day and I saw a woman fawning over this pregnant lady and her husband. Since my dog stopped to sniff her dog, I was stuck listening to the conversation.

Woman: "Wow! Are you so excited?"

Pregnant Woman: "Yes, but I'm just ready to get it over with and meet my baby!"

*cute high pitched chuckling*

W:"Do you know what it is yet?"

Husband: "No, we decided not to find out," (smug grin, squeezes wife's shoulder) "I mean, there aren't many surprises in life, right?"

This is not the first time I heard that lame-ass holier than thou attitude. "Hey, look at us! We aren't finding out the sex of our child because we want to be different and cutting edge. And then we're going to name it something weird like Fuschia or Temperance."

Also, what's with the, "There are no surprises in life". What the f@#k? Are you kidding me?! Everything from when I wake up to when I go to bed surprises the crap out of me, you self important dickhead. From the weather, to the news to what strange object on the street my dog eats surprises the shit out of me on a daily basis. Hey, remember when Britney Spears went from America's sweetheart to a bat wielding skinhead? I don't know about you but I found that to be a little bewildering. The sex of your child is the least of surprises to come. Kind of like the surprise you will experience when your child comes out looking more like the poolman than you.

I Don't Get It

But what if you need to pee to put out the cigarette... on the camera?

I'm Getting Sick

Okay, Tempy had obtained even more pictures of this infamous Miss New Jersey slut. First alcohol, titty hugs and pumpkins on the boobs but this! Cavorting with dirty old men and serial killers?! Of all the... wait. That's me. How did that get here? Um... I gotta just uh... make a phone call.

Scandal

The Miss New Jersey racy Facebook photos have been revealed and only Tempy's got the scoop! Yeah, the Today Show may have gotten the boob-squeeze photo between her and her male friend from the drama club and the illicit shot of her and three girlfriends with drinks in their hands, but I've got the one they are afraid to show you. Just so you know, the image you are about to see is disturbing:

Who wears stripes after labor day? But seriously, the way to go if you want to be really shocking is to cut the tips of limes off and put them in your bra ala fake nipples.

Oh, man. I'm in trouble if the Miss Brooklyn pageant learns about this before I try my hand next year.

Where Are The Cops Now?

Somebody/thing keeps stealing my pens.

Safety

This morning on my way to work, already running late to everything, I was stopped by the NYPD for those random searches that happen at your local subway station. I somehow knew they were going to call me over because a. I'm running late and b. I looked like I was running late, so of course they needed to stop me from accelerating in a forward motion towards my destination. Five cops motion me over and being no stranger to searches I open my bag and start to take things out. I chose the most uncomfortable items first: tampons, advil, (I wish I had brought my book, "Hi. I Have My Period.") but the cops just stopped me and put a ticket-like paper swab inside the lining of my bag. Then they take this and put it into a little machine that has lights that run back and forth while it says, "Processing". I got nervous kind of like the nervous you get when you know your debit card will go through, but what if it doesn't, right? Luckily I do not have bomb making materials in my bag so they let me go.

And yet, I somehow feel like I did something wrong.

So That's How It Works

Host of Miss USA Pageant 1994: "If you could live forever, would you and why?"
Miss Alabama: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."

Tempy Sleepy

I am alternating between a cup of green tea and a can of coke to keep me awake.

Too Cute

Awwww look! This little puppy has a heart on his back!


And here's his brother:

Because I Care Enough To Buy The Very Best

I was sent on an errand this morning.

BossLady: Can you do me a favor?

Me: Sure.

BL: It's silly but I need to buy cards to send to my kids at camp. (They are a boy and a girl, both 10)

Me: Okay.

BL: Okay so (the boy) likes boy stuff, like silly cartoons or sports or something.

Me: Gotcha.

BL: And (the girl), well, she likes girly things, like... puppies and kitties...

Me: Puppies and kitties!

Clearly this is the best job ever. The girl was easy to shop for; Hallmark has a plentiful array of both puppy and kitty cards. Sometimes you can even find a card with both. But the boy... try finding a non-birthday boy card that does not have a half naked lady or a beer mug on it. Do you know Hallmark has a section for "Unique Cards" that include "Good luck in the army" and "Congratulations on your American citizenship"? They even have cards for different diseases. Anyway, I settled on a soccer ball card and a baseball card.

Cheese

This was a lot funnier when it was described to me:

And Then He Leaves

In Manchester, New Hampshire, a man walked into a bank with "leafy boughs duct-taped to his head and torso", and robbed it.

According to the article in CNN.com "He really went out on a limb," police Sgt. Ernie Goodno said Sunday.

What a wooden joke. I mean... branch out, would you?

Awkward

It's official. Knut is no longer fun to play with.

What's In A Name

What do you think this guy's name is?

a. Captain Beady Eyes
b. Speedy
c. Fuzzy Bear
d. Who Gives A Crap; Look Where His Hand Is, He Reminds Me Of My Weird Uncle

Stretch It Out

I did this move in yoga class yesterday only my legs weren't as straight, I used a block and I fell over twice.

This Can't End Well

"Barney, keep your mouth closed. Barney... Barney... stay. It's just a puppy on your head. Barney... Barney be good. Good boy. No, no growling, Barney... Barney..."

But Are There Health Benefits?

Here's a job posting for what I believe is a social club in my neighborhood. Thanks, for the find, L-Rose:

"PT attractive waitress/ massage girl wanted make big $$
Reply to: job-369691797@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-07-09, 6:22AM EDT


We are a members-only social club in downtown Brooklyn seeking an attractive female to be a waitress and massage girl.

First and foremost: there are NO SEXUAL ACTS or alcohol involved. Our clientele is mostly men playing cards or chess or gin rummy. As such, "massage" means only backrubs while guys are sitting in a chair at table.

Most of the work is simple waitressing: fetching coffee or water, ordering food, picking up deliveries. As most of our members are men we are in need of an attractive female presence.

The hours are fairly late... approximately 7:00 PM until 3:00 or 4:00 AM. One or two nights a week.

You can make anywhere from $100 (guaranteed minimum) to $500 a night. I can assure you that the job is quite easy as well. You must send a pic when replying to this ad"

Best TV Ever

I don't even know where to begin with this but if you had a chance to see VH1 this week, you'd know it was a Flavor of Love Charm School Marathon. Now, as much as I could never get sick of the "Who took Leilene's picture" controversy or "Does making out with three different guys in one night make Brooke a whore?", nothing and I mean nothing prepared me for the much anticipated reunion episode.

Holy s@#t.

When Larisa's mom jumped up on stage to step to Mo'Nique, after Larissa told Mo'Nique off, it was almost as exciting as when a full out slap down happened between New York and like, five other women on the Flavor of Love Reunion Show. Anyway, Larissa's mom got up in Mo'Nique's face and Mo'Nique gave the best speech ever (next to Tyra Banks', of course, on season four of Top Model). Next thing you know, they are hugging it out, and Larissa's mom, who happens to be an albino, agrees with Mo'Nique about how strong black women should stick together, and Larissa actually showed the first sign of actual human emotion I've seen all season. Shut up. Seriously, it's a must see.

But if you missed it, check out some random girl's recap.

Speaking Of Mariah

I love this:

Enough, Mariah

Okay. I am officially sick of 106.7 Lite FM. Cher and Elton John are fun for a bit, and I loves me some Bangles, but now I have to listen to Rod Stewart, yes, Rod Stewart's version of "A Wonderful World". The novelty is over; let's please return to working in awkward paper-shuffling silence.

Uh oh, now it's "Ladies Night".

Transportation

Anyone want to lend me a car for Saturday night or Sunday?

Don't Mind If I Do

I just ordered the warm provencale coach farm goat cheese salad with potatoes, beets & French string beans tossed with a French mustard dressing and a margherita pizza and the GNTM got tuna tartar and an endive salad.

And an Elton John song was just on 106.7.

Just Like The Commercials

This office is so dead, the Girl Next To Me and I found a radio and put on 106.7 Lite FM. Why? Because Z100 was just "too much", oh, and we're "old". No, actually, it's because we were sick of hearing the ads for Ladies Night at clubs in Sayreville, New Jersey.

It's awesome. Also, because I am helping her out with some busywork, the GNTM offered to let me in on her office lunch, which is going to be stupid expensive because there are only four people in her office and they are treating themselves.

God, I love Kim Wilde.

Hook It Out

Uh oh, looks like somebody's got some errands to run in Central Park later.

I pronounce today National Hookey Day. Let's get crazy.

500th Post

Post a Comment on: Tempy

"500th Post"

bklynturtle said...

Back in Santa Fe I once had a house party that ended like that.

4:23 pm

lynne said...

Does anyone else care that the dog is delightfully caught between the couch and a man who could easily roll over and asphyxiate it? Abhorrent. Decidedly.

4:25 pm

shiftless layabout said...

Oh my god that reminds me about that one time I was dog sitting my friends dog and unfortunately we all fell asleep and the dog got out but we didn't know until we woke up which was the next day. So I made some screwdrivers- you know, Tempy, like the ones I made in Hawaii, and we got really drunk before we knew the dog was missing and it turns out the dog returned that day.

4:26 pm

lawyergirl said...

You better not do that to my nephew.

4:27 pm

jonah said...

You think that's funny, check this out

4:27 pm

aggalicious said...

Aaaaaaaaaah! I missed you at the party on Saturday! Wait... were you there?

4:28 pm

boyd said...

Well, good goddamn! Where I come from we git out our scent hounds to go a huntin' real slow like.

4:29 pm

lynne said...

Delightful

4:30 pm

figgsrock2 said...

I still don't know where you work.

4:31 pm

miguel said...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Animal_abuse

4:32 pm

shma shma said...

Damn! That guy's cute!

4:33 pm

jay said...

I missed another thread! Is anyone there?

10:24 pm

The 500th Post

... is next

Tetris?

Even I don't know what to say about this.

Drinky

"Has anyone seen my mojito?"

From The Mouths Of Babes

A 17 year old man got 10 years in jail for receiving a consensual blowjob from a 15 year old girl at a party. So the question is this: who ratted him out? Was it someone at the party? And upon being charged, couldn't the girl just lie about it and say if didn't happen, or was she called in as a witness? And do you think at any point the man sat there, nodded his head and said, "Guilty as charged, your honor. Guilty as charged."

But seriously, I think it's absolutely a ridiculous sentence. If Scooter Libby gets out of an "excessive" sentence (the same kind of sentence the Bush administration put in place to punish citizens who lie to the government), can we please go easy on this kid?

It kind of makes you scared to have public sex at a party.

Ice, Ice Lame-y

This is a real job posting from Careerbuilders.com:

Description
Technical Architect

( To be read to the tune of Vanilla Ice's hit "Ice, Ice, Baby")

All right stop, architect and listen
This here is the ultimate position
A career that grabs a hold of you tightly
Be pumped about what you do daily and nightly
Will you want to stop? I say no
You’ll be a major player, at the big show
To the extreme, tough problems you’ll handle
Light up a site and wax e-commerce like a candle

Consult, go rush to the client that’s local
This job won’t have your life in a chokehold
The environment is great, it will be easy to comply
Anything less than the best need not apply
You’ll love it not leave it believe its true
As long as you hit the bull’s eye this one’s for you
If you have a resume yo I’ll read it
Don’t even try and you’re already defeated

Just Like Christmas

Ladies and gentlemen, it has been brought to my attention that in just seven posts, yes, SEVEN posts, Tempy will have reached her 500th post. Oh, what a time it's been. I think that officially puts me in syndication. After all the cartoons, stories and pictures of puppies, how can I ever commemorate such an incredible event?

So I have an idea. Send me your thoughts. We can all create this post.

Your Humble Servant,

Tempy

Brunch?

Am I the only one who feels like I'm at work on a Saturday?

Holiday!

Happy 4th of July everyone. Be safe! As a reminder, here's a quote from now 42 year old firefighter Tony Wittman, about his tragic fireworks accident when he was seventeen:

"I thought at first, 'I'm 17 and I'm blinded for life.' Once I calmed down, I realized I was OK, but it took all the fun out of the day."

Don't ruin your day, kids.

Turd Blossom

Among other accomplishments, President George W. Bush is known for giving everyone he meets wacky nicknames. I think my favorites would include Turd Blossom (Karl Rove) and Congressman Kickass (John Sweeney). Here's a few more:

Foreign leaders
- Dino (short for Dinosaur) - Jean Chrétien, Prime Minister of Canada
- Pootie-Poot - Vladimir Putin, President of Russia
- Bandar Bush - Bandar bin Sultan, ambassador to the United States from Saudi Arabia
- Landslide - Tony Blair

Staff
- Izzy, Altoid Boy* - Special Assistant Israel Hernandez (*for his role as provider of breath - mints to the President on the campaign trail)
- The World's Greatest Hero - Secretary of State Colin Powell
- Fredo - Attorney General Alberto Gonzales
- Danny Boy, Dan the Man - Deputy Chief Of Staff Dan Bartlett
- Ari-Bob - White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer
- High Prophet, Hurricane Karen - Karen Hughes
- The Blade - Office of Management and Budget Director Mitch Daniels

Politicians
- Pablo - Paul Wellstone, Democratic Senator, Minnesota
- Big George - George Miller, Democratic Congressman, California
- Freddy Boy - Fred Upton, Republican Congressman, Michigan
- Bama, Rock - Barack Obama, Democratic Senator, Illinois
- Quasimodo, Big Time - Dick Cheney, Vice President of the United States of America

Journalists
- The Cobra - Maureen Dowd
- Stretch/Little Stretch - David Gregory, NBC
- Stretch - Dick Keil, Bloomberg News
- Super Stretch - Bill Sammon, Washington Times

So my question to you is, what do you think George Bush would call you had you the pleasure of his company?

Yours,

Tempy-Pedic

Random Thought

Is it bad that when I look at this, all I want to do is turn the sink on?

Really

And now, from the "Wow, What A Shock" newscast of the day:

Apple iPhone Activation Complaints Continue

I can't believe that the most hyped event since Windows 95 or Clear Pepsi would cause maintenance delays on such a large scale, considering the impeccable track record Mac has for its first run items. I wish I had the power to see the future.

Discussion

Oh, Dear

What the hunter that killed Bambi's mom saw right before that pivotal scene:

Time And Time Again

Yeah, that's right. I'm getting another battery for another Fossil Klingon watch today. What of it?

Oxymoronical

General rule: If your dog eats dirt, don't buy him Louis Vuitton tags.