Important Choices

MCCAIN: I don't get it.

AIDE: Sir, it makes the most sense.

MCCAIN: But a woman?

AIDE: YES! It's brilliant! We'll get all those Hillary supporters, plus she's pretty.

MCCAIN: That she is. But, won't she get all moody every month?

AIDE: Sometimes. But she's from Alaska, so she's used to being around men. Makes them tough!

MCCAIN: I don't know about Alaska.

AIDE: Jewel's from Alaska.

MCCAIN: That crooked tooth singer?

AIDE: Yes sir.

MCCAIN: I like her songs.

AIDE: They're good, sir.

MCCAIN: (singing) "My hands are small I know but, they're not yours, they are my own..."

AIDE: It's a very pretty song, sir.

MCCAIN: Can I call her Jewel?

AIDE: You can call her whatever you like.

MCCAIN: Now wait one minute! I'm not gonna pick just anyone. This Palin chick. Can she use a computer?

AIDE: Yes, sir.

MCCAIN: Well then she's a mighty fine choice.

I'm Sassy

*ring ring*

ME: Yello.

EXECUTIVE PRODUCER OF MY BOSS'S SHOW: Hello, is [Bosslady] there?

ME: Nuh uh, she's getting her hair did.

EXECUTIVE PRODUCER OF MY BOSS'S SHOW: Uh, ok.

Her Space

OMG you guyz!!! Lindsay Lohan totes went on the attack against her dad yesterday ON HER BLOG! That's right- this MySpace thing really is taking off.

Well not to be outdone, our other favorite little darling, Hillary Clinton, has this to say on her blog. She is really trying to reach out to the kids and get them to vote for Barack.

Subject: The Elections
Current Mood: Supportive

Hey you all out there! What is happening? I know you have all been such AWESOME supporters and shiz but it's like time to support the OTHER guy. I kno I kno... Let me put it to you this way- u like McDonalds right??? Who doesn't? Well this is like, let's say McDonalds is closed and you HAD to eat Burger King. It'd be weird right? Cuz Burger King is taller than McDonald, and unlike McD, he has a penis and is a black man. BUT THE BURGERS ARE AWESOME AND FLAME BROILED!!! So you see you guys, it's okay to still want McDonalds. I mean, you just can't beat that quarter pounder with cheese. But I say, it's time for a new drive thru. And in this country, you can still say Supersize Me no matter where you go!

Personal Property

Hey, D-Bag. Yeah, you. I'm pretty sure it was you. Cuz when I got to my computer this morning I saw all the pages you viewed Mr. Guy Who Went Onto My Computer Last Night After I Left The Office. I know it was you because I let you in before I left because you were hired to fix the phone lines. Oh, and you were stupid enough to stay logged on to your email so I know your address and last name. Now it wouldn't be a big problem if I didn't have all those naked pictures of me on the computer. So you see why I'm upset.

Sit Down

Bitch.

Don't Flinch

So, the son of some important guy is having a meet 'n greet with my boss and he can't be older than 23 and I'm dying to make a pass at him because he already looks so nervous that I'm pretty sure if I put my hand on his thigh he might actually spontaneously combust.

Rule #1 when your rich daddy gets you a meet 'n greet with a semi important person try your best not to act so nervous that it makes me want to punch you.

In the time it will have taken for me to punch him his daddy will have made $14,263,275.

White Out

Oh no. I don't know what to do. My upstairs neighbor called me and told me the crazy schitzo downstairs is BLEACHING THE HALLWAYS. No, seriously. She also informed my neighbor that the FBI is after her and that she can talk to her because she is wearing a green dress, but cannot talk to anyone else. So I just called my landlord's assistant and told her, this has to stop. This is what happened.

ME: Hi. So our super's crazy girlfriend is currently bleaching out hallways.

HER: Cleaning the hallway?

ME: No, bleaching. Everything.

HER: Can't you tell her it's harsh on the nose?

ME: I'm not telling her anything- she's crazy.

HER: Well can't she open the windows?

ME: There are no windows in our hallway.

HER: Well, the front door?

ME: That's not safe.

HER: Well you're in a safe neighborhood.

ME: There is no such thing when your doors are wide open.

HER: Well, if she's cleaning the hallways and has an eye on the open door, I do that all the time...

ME: No, listen- the woman is schizophrenic and she's having another episode. We're not dealing with a reasonable person here. We need to contact her boyfriend and he needs to go home right now. She's a danger to herself and those around her. We've called the cops on her several times. She needs serious professional help.

HER: What if she opened the door and stayed there until it aired out?

ME: ... (rubbing temples) Oh boy.

Go Yanks

The best thing ever happened on the train yesterday!!! There was this guy with a bike who got on. Looked like your typical hot bike messenger- dreads, spandex, gloves, cool bike, sunglasses. So we're riding along and this short middle aged woman boards the train. All of a sudden Bike Messenger yells at the top of his lungs, "BOOOOOOOO! YEAH YOU! BOOOO! GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY CITY!" Turns out she was wearing a Red Socks hat.

So everyone is kinda laughing but KINDA TOTALLY FREAKED OUT that this guy is like, borderline violently volatile, and he's big, and he's pissed. So he's standing over this woman, like just staring at her.

Finally he gets off but before he does he turns to her again and says, "GO FUCK YOUR MOTHER! Bringing that hat on this train you FUCKING BITCH!!!"

Now, I'm from the Bronx, and I guess I'm supposed to hate the Red Sox but I think he might have taken it a bit too far, do you?

Very Important

So last night was the closing party for the Fringe Festival and our director won an award for her awesome direction! So we were celebrating- the party was held at this crazy outdoor club called "Spiegelworld" on the South Street Seaport, like, right on the water. I mean, it was insane. It had this great carnival like feel to it. Maybe it's because that's exactly what they were going for.

So this extremely hot chick dressed as a corset model/dominatrix in a top hat comes up and is all, "Hi," and we're all, "Hi," and she's all, "I'd like to take you to the VIP lounge, " and I was like, "And do what to us?" and she's like, "You are invited to the VIP lounge."

So we take her up on her offer and I gotta say- it was this awesome closed off part of the club overlooking the water with long banquets and even a stripper pole in the corner. The view was amazing. There really was no catch, the VIP space was awesome. Why were we invited? No idea. But it was a beautiful night.

Got Plans?

Hey you guys! I was invited by someone in my neighborhood who is a member of Move On.org to watch Obama's speech this Thursday! Here's all the info:

"Yes We Can" Party

Watch Obama's speech with us on Thursday!

On Thursday, MoveOn members are holding "Yes We Can" parties in Brooklyn and around the country to watch Barack Obama's history-making convention speech. Can you come to a party—and bring some ice cream or dessert to share?

Where: [name of street] Street, Bklyn Hghts (in Brooklyn)
When: Thurs., Aug. 28 at 8:30 PM

I can come

Sorry, I can't make it this time.

Go suck on your fancy stroller and beat a drum you liberal tool

I'm kidding! I am a huge Obama supporter. I just have a show that night. Oh, and I hate watching TV with crowds.

His Vice

OBAMA: Biden, finish your soup.

BIDEN: BLEEAAGHRRRRRRG!!!

OBAMA: Biden, tuck that napkin back in your collar and finish your soup.

BIDEN: Must destroy the OLD MAN!!! GEEEEEEERRRRARRRRGH!!!

OBAMA: Biden, remember, we have to stay calm. This is a civil race. We have a strategy. You know you're my pit bull...

BIDEN: I'M YOUR MOTHERF@#KING PIT BULL!

OBAMA: BUT you have to relax. Now, just... finish your soup.

BIDEN: (picks up bowl, drinks it down with a slurp) It tastes like the blood of THE ENEMY.

OBAMA: Sure, ok.

BIDEN: I'm your PIT BULL!!

OBAMA: You're my pit bull.

BIDEN: GEEEEEEEEEEEEERROOWRRRGHHHRRRRGGGGH!!!

False Alarm

OBAMA: This... this just got really weird.

CLINTON: Um, yeah.

OBAMA: I didn't mean...

CLINTON: No! No. Obviously.

OBAMA: I didn't mean to call you and say, "Hillary Clinton will you be my Vice Presidential running mate." I really... didn't... whoo boy.

CLINTON: Oh, no harm! I mean, I really didn't mean to say, "Oh, Bar, you've made my day, I have been waiting for this moment, thank you." That, I did not mean to say.

OBAMA: Ugh.

CLINTON: Whoo.

OBAMA: Nice weather.

CLINTON: Yeah.

Timber

This is cute if you're not those puppies.

Kill Me, Please

I am on hold and the music is an alto sax version of Wind Beneath My Wings.

At least it's not this girl:

With an A, Bitch

So I walk into work today to a huge applause from my office. Apparently today another newspaper reviewed my show and put a big ass picture in it. While the review was mediocre I'm a big fan of "any press is good press."

Here's what gets me. In the entire course of our show getting reviewed, we've had one bad one, one so-so one (today) and 14 stellar, amazing, four star, holy shit incredible reviews. But people, seriously.

Can you spell my name right?

I know my name is spelled right on the press release. I know it's correct on the program because I wrote it. Is it that hard? I took one second of journalism in college and that was the biggest thing they told us- always get your facts straight and spell names right. At least he got the title of our show correct, which is more than I can say for the other show he reviewed in the same column. Ouch.

I wrote a thank you note to the reviewer today, as I do for all of them. It's really nice that they take the time to see the show, and I'd like to keep a relationship with everyone who has written about the show. Let's just say I made a lot of Facebook friends in the process. The guy has a funky, hard to spell name too. Guess what? I spelled it right. Because that's what I do.

Creepy Alert!

So my boss just got this piece of fanmail which I VERY carefully opened. Here's how the letter ended.

I totally called him and said I was her and was like, "I want you to lick my toes."

Kidding aside there was a guy in college whom we called the "Foot Guy" because he spent every night calling women on campus and saying, "I want to lick your feet." Then he'd just hang up. We never found out who he was but we had our suspicions- you see a bunch of us finally got together and narrowed it down to this one guy who dated a few of our friends and had a foot fetish. Anyway...

Barack-Roll

Okay, this is awesome.

Hearing Double

Do you think this cat also has 18 lives?

Dogged

I kind of want to kick this fucking dog's ass.

Get It?

OK maybe I have the maturity of a 13 year old boy but I took this picture yesterday because I thought it was funny. What's wrong with me? I don't know.

Choadsquire

I recently saw this guy's name on an email for something, and he had one of those "Esq." things after it. So I got to thinking, what the f@#k is an Esquire anyway? I mean, I know it means that you are important and most likely sport a monocle, but beyond that, what? According to wikipedia, Esquire is a term of British origin, originally used to denote social status. Which basically translates to "major douche".

But then it goes on to say: "Ultimately deriving from the medieval squires who assisted knights, the term came to be used automatically by men of gentle birth. The social rank of Esquire is that above gentleman."

So what does it mean now? "In practice, however, 'Esquire' in the US is most commonly assumed by lawyers in a professional capacity; it has come to be associated by many Americans solely with the legal profession." Because Juris Doctor just doesn't cut it when you are sucking on the entrails of baby seals.

The More You Know

Did you know there's a guy who works at Home Depot who has five teeth?

You do now.

Fun With Words

Have you guys heard of the "The Dark and Stormy Night Contest"? It's run by the English Dept. of San Jose State University, and people write only the first line of a very bad novel. Here's the top 10 winners:

10) "As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break
wind in the echo chamber, he would never hear the end of it."

9) "Just beyond the Narrows , the river widens."

8) "With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned,
unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep
azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that
vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty
that defied description."

7) "Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he
crept along the East wall: 'Andre creep... Andre creep... Andre
creep.'"

6) "Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of
narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back alley
sex-change surgeon to become the woman he loved.

5) "Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her
from eeking out a living at a local pet store."

4) " Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then
penguins often do."

3) "Like an over-ripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the
corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor."

2) "Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the
meaning of the word 'fear'; a man who could laugh in the face of
danger and spit in the eye of death -- in short, a moron with suicidal
tendencies."

AND THE WINNER IS...
1) "The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along
the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle
window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown
asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian
lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception,
screaming madly, 'You lied!"

Awesome right? How about this- let's see who can come up with the worst ending line of a novel? I'll go first:

"And slowly it drifted off; a delicate, paper thin, fine, narrow, threadlike leaf of a picture. She watched his face disappear in the water. Water as wet as her tears."

She's a Big Girl

Okay, this actually made me almost cry.

Baby whale seems to think yacht is its mother

Walk, Man

OK you guys RUN DON'T WALK to The Walkmen show. NO SERIOUSLY THE ONLY WAY I CAN DESCRIBE IT IS BY USING THE CAPS LOCK. THEY ARE AMAZING LIVE. See that, I used capitalization, bold and italics to stress my point. I mean, the lead singer's voice is so good, it's ridiculous. I thought the vocals were all mastered on the album but they are not. The man is a goddamn genius.

But here's the best part- the lead singer is engaged to a girl in my show, (she also performs with them) so not only were the tix free but we all hung out after the show AND he all comes out of the club and walks right up to me and gives me a hug and is all, "Congrats on the extended run!" and I'm all, "I WANT TO TALK IN CAPS LOCK BECAUSE YOU WERE SO AWESOME".

So to make the night even better all of my old bartending friends from this restaurant I worked in happened to be there and they all LOVE The Walkmen too because we used to listen to them at work nonstop, so I got to see them!

The guy, Hamilton, is so nice and down to earth and is not a rock star in the common sense ie doing drugs and hitting on chicks- he is a true front man, loves his fiancee, doesn't smoke and goes to bed at a decent hour. So thankfully I got at least 4 hours of sleep before I had to get up. That does not, however, mean I am yet sober.

Make a Call

Bosslady: So when's your next shows?

Me: We find out soon.

Bosslady: Do you have an agent?

Me: Just a crappy commercial agent who sends me more emails about stray cats who need homes than casting notices.

Bosslady: Let me see what I can do.

Me: Oh, really? Thanks, cuz that'd be great.

Stalkey

So there's a guy who's a friend of someone in my show who works at the company next door to mine like, literally 10 feet away from me. If I wanted to, I could bang at his window out my window. So the other day he was looking for a new Facebook photo and so I took a picture of the view of him from my window, and he's using it!

A Campaign to Remember

OBAMA: What the...

A man rides in on a Harley with a young blonde. He takes off his helmet.

MCCAIN: 'Sup, bitch?

OBAMA: McCain, You...

MCCAIN: What? I'm all revved up and ready to go?

OBAMA: You look...

MCCAIN: It's my new image my friend. McCain's took the straight talk express straight down to motown. I'm hep with the kids, y'all, I'm cool, I'm bad, I'm funky I'm fresh so you better watch out, Slowbama.

OBAMA: You're wearing skinny jeans.

MCCAIN: Oh these old things? I've had 'em for years.

Playing Both Sides

There is a very reasonable explanation for this picture.

This Weekend

OK, I love children's theater. I love it because the crowd, namely children, are the most honest audience you'll ever meet. If they are bored, they'll tell you- if they wet themselves, the whole audience will know. So when I saw my friend's show Gargoyle Garden at the Fringe Festival this weekend, I was so psyched to see many young children in the audience. Let's just say what I got was almost as good as seeing an action flick opening weekend at the local multiplex.

Here's some choice moments:

• After the narrator, the "Chimney Man" sang his beautiful opening song, some kid yelled out, "HE'S A MONSTER!!!" The actor improvised conversation with the kid, and assured him he was not a monster.
• During this adorable duet between the two kid actors who are communicating through a "brick wall" one of the young actors' character pulls out a loose brick so as to hear the girl better, and a kid screams, "YOU CAN'T BREAK BRICK! YOU CAN'T BREAK BRICK!" Like everything else up 'till then had been plausible.
• At the end one kid jumps up, "THAT WAS THE BEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN! I LOVED IT! I LOVED IT!" I mean, the show was rather good but jeez kid, compared to Dora the Explorer on Ice and The Backyardigan's Live, this still won't live up to some of the greatest things you'll ever see, and $10 says those things will involve racy internet videos.
  

Future Look

Hey! Let's play "Can You Find The Creepy Murderous Serial Killer in the Making" in this picture?

Show Biz

Hey guys! What a week- sorry I was MIA yesterday but I had a show in the afternoon and man was it awesome. First of all, afterward I found out that Time Out NY gave my show FOUR STARS! That's mad cool. But what's even better is that my show was chosen to be a part of the Fringe Festival's Encore Series which means we get 6 more shows! It's a huge honor and it just goes to show you, a little cock sucking goes a long way. Kidding! It goes a really long way.

Cami Sold

My boss just handed me $120 to buy her a camisole. I got one at H&M for $5.90. There's nothing like watching the innocent wonder in a rich woman's eyes when you give them $114.10 in change.

Poor Girl

Holy crap, I finally saw this with the little girl singing. Not only does she look like she's lip syncing, but like she doesn't even know the words. She's just flapping her mouth up and down like one of those animatronic robots at It's A Small World in Disney World.



Then again, that little girl is pretty ugly.

Strong Like Phelps

There's nothing like the fucking Olympics to make you feel like a worthless piece of shit. I mean, these people don't just take care of their bodies, they carefully craft and sculpt each muscle to become a lean and all powerful physical task machine. "Oh, look at me, I'm sooooooo strong and I eat 30 raw egg whites every day and my pee is made of strong juice." Man. Pass me another bag of Cheetos.

"I eat polar bears"

Some Good Press

And now, excerpts from my show reviews that, out of context, sound rather dirty:

"Most people would use a box full of contemporary romance novels for firewood, but not Katharine Heller." - Show Showdown
This kind of insinuates I do something else with them. Well, it doesn't insinuate, it flat out says so. But what? Maybe I'm straddling said box. Box.

"The success lies in a couple of Heller's decisions" - NY Theatre
Yeah, like the "decision" to have that extra shot of tequila, right boys?

"Ms. Heller is the right person to do it" Talk Entertainment
I'm not even going to touch this one.

And Now, my favorite overall quote that unfortunately makes you think of your mom having sex:
"On a scale from 1 to 5, with 1 being "I pictured my mom having sex" and 5 being "I'd come again," The Boy in the Basement gets a 4.5." - Show Showdown

Walk The Dog

There's this little girl in my neighborhood who loves to walk my dog. Now, when she sees dogs, all she does is runs right up to them and grabs their leash. Which is probably a really bad habit.

Review Preview

Hey guys! Our first review that isn't a blog is up!

Punch Line

Obama: And then I said, "Javier Bardem?! I hardly even KNOW him!"

Clinton: Hahhahahhahhaha! That was a good one Bar.

Obama: Oh, I try.

Clinton: Hey did you hear the one about the...

Edwards: Hey guys!!!

Obama and Clinton: Hi Edwards.

Edwards: Whatchya talking about?

Obama: Oh, we were just telling some jokes.

Clinton: And then you barged in.

Edwards: Ha ha! I'd love to hear one.

Clinton: OK, I've got one. Why did the senator cross the road?

Edwards: Why?

Obama: (raising hand) Ooh! Ooh! Can I guess?

Clinton: Sure Bar!

Obama: Is is, cuz... uh... he wanted to have sex in the motel with some female staffer because his wife was home battling cancer?

Clinton: You got it!

Obama: Oh, that's an old fave! My grandmother told that one to me back in Kenya.

Edwards: Shut up.

Clinton: Oh, I'm sorry, is there something wrong with that joke?

Edwards: You guys...

Obama: Oh, hey, I have one.

Clinton: Do tell!

Edwards: No don't.

Clinton: Who wants to hear the joke? Okay... I see two hands raised, so I guess we overrule you. Tell us the joke, Bar.

Obama: Okay. How many senators does it take to screw in a lighbulb?

Clinton: HOW many?

Obama: One, but first he's gotta find a lightbulb big enough to screw in!

Clinton and Obama: HAHAHHAHAHHA!!!

Edwards: Okay, I know when I'm not wanted.

Clinton: Wait, I got one more. Knock Knock.

Edwards: No.

Clinton: You're supposed to say, 'Who's there'.

Edwards: No.

Obama: I'll go- 'Who's there?'

Clinton: You're wife.

Obama: Your wife who?

Clinton: You know, your wife. Who has cancer.

Clinton and Obama: HAHHAHHAHHA!!!

Edwards: Ok, fine. Yuk it up. I'm gonna go.

Obama: Don't let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya!

Clinton: That's a good one!

Oh Please

So I belong to this union called Actors' Equity and it's an honor to be a member. The only problem is they are adamant that one cannot tape a show with Equity actors in it, and since we are an Equity Showcase, taping is a no no. Oh, unless you get permission.

You see, the guidelines in the book are very simple and strict- No Taping Under Any Circumstances. But then you read between the lines. Turns out you can record a production with permission, and there are rules- only use one camera, notify the actors, do not distribute, etc.

If you've ever tried to call Equity you'll know that you either only get a busy signal or transferred to someone who won't call you back. For the last month I have almost daily been calling and emailing the head "Taping Permission" guy asking for the proper channels to go through and have received no response. So this is the message I just left him now:

"Hi [Equity Guy Whose Only Job Is To Answer Questions Like Mine], It's me, [That Girl]. So, I will be taping my show, and I just need the paperwork to submit it to the archives. Coolz, thanks!!!"

I give him ten minutes before he calls me back.

Showtime!

Hey! The show opened and it was great! Save for a few technical glitches (who needed that door to stay upright anyway?) It was awesome! I learned one thing- old queens love my show. No joke, I even had this old gay couple ask for my autograph. And what's not to love? There are hot men almost naked, fabulous women and campy jokes. All I need is for Liza Minelli to have a cameo, then we'd talk.

So Tired

Boy am I ever going coo coo for cocoa puffs. Today could not be busier. We had our first run thru of the show last night for a real live small audience and it was great but oh man, intense. I'm pretty sure I flashed my Britney a few times. Who cares- everyone'll get their money's worth. Because my privates are worth $15. Without the Ticketweb service charge.

Say What

It wasn't until I saw this awesome flask at ModCloth that I now understand that weird saying, "One in the hand is worth two in the bush." The flask is called the "bird in the hand," and I thought, maybe they mean a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, and upon further research I found this- it's an old hunting reference. A bird in the hand (one you already shot) is worth more than the ones in the bush you might be shooting at. The real thing is worth more than the possibility.

Wow you guys, that's totes deep. Who the fuck hunts for birds in bushes anyway? Pussies. Get a real hunting hobby like bears or alligators.

Cray Cray!

Whoop! Whoop! It's the bus to CRAZY TOWN!!!

Here's what happens when your boss is on TV. CRAZY PEOPLE WATCH THE SHOW. This guy called all crying and saying he needs to talk to my boss, and he says he spoke to our investor relations guy who's down the hall and he said that he should call her.

Now, I've been a bartender and I can smell bullshit from a mile away. I can also smell real people shit several yards away, which has actually happened in my bar, but that's another story.

I just say to him, "I know our investor relations guy did not say for you to call. So what's up. Are you suicidal?" He's all, "Oh, no, but I lost all my money and I need to borrow some and my wife left me and I've been alone since I was 13 and I lost my money in oil," and I was like, "DAD?!?" And he's all, "Uh, no..."

Kidding. But I just told him, "Look- my boss can't help you, but there are people who can. As long as you aren't going to cause harm to yourself or others, just take a deep breath and think about your options. There are many places willing to help you."

So he called back the investor relations guy and was all like, "She was so nice," and then the investor relations guy told me he gave crazy pants my home address so the guy could send me flowers.

Ha ha, he was kidding. But that didn't stop me from crapping my pants. It's smelled a lot like that bullshit I could smell a mile away.

Translation Found

For those of you who were curious as to what the Japanese press release below translates into, look no further. Here is what my friend fluent in Japanese says:

"World Premiere - The Boy in the Basement

As part of the 12th New York Fringe Festival, the live action romance novel, "The Boy in the Basement" will debut in its world premiere starting on August 9th.

The writer is Katharine Heller, and the director, Nell Balaban, has directed and worked with many musicals.

Women and men, theft and retribution/punishment. A modern day [young person's] portrait of a romantic novel teeming with wit and contemporary music, the story unfolds."

Seriously

You guys! I've made it big! The NY Daily Sun, a Japanese Paper featured my show!!!

Personal Ads

SBM seeking SM/W for VP spot. Young, handsome, energetic, vibrant presidential candidate. I like speeches, fundraisers and nodding in understanding with my hand on my chin. You- slightly older, with extensive foreign policy experience and right wing-leanings. M or F. Current NY Senators need not apply.

SWF seeking Presidential Daddy. U B Prez I Will Be yr Vice. I am 50's, smart, articulate, I like talking, listening and beer. Must be open to trying new things and giving me a chance. Will U B the 1?

SWM War Vet/Hero/Presumptive Rep. Pres. Nom. seeking SWM with IT computer experience. Must have knowledge of internets. Must be able to turn a computer on. Can U Turn it on 4 me? Email experience a plus.

Pictures

This needs no commentary.

Ass-Tastic

Uh, okay so there's this woman who used to work here who is also a prominent New York socialite. I don't even know what that means or how one gets such status but I see her name in the papers all the time and in magazines as an "It" girl. She works in finance and has more money than anyone.

She is also known for her impeccable taste in clothes. A co-worker of mine was just in a wedding that the Socialite also attended, and this is what the woman showed up in. At the wedding.


It wasn't even like a mistake like, "Whoops, this mesh skirt is totes showing my undies!" She was sincerely thrilled with this outfit. Ah, fashion.

Like a Bird

Run, don't walk to Delta if you want to fly from NY to CA. I got a ticket for $270!!! Order yours today!!!

Brog

One of my more favorite sites is Engrish.com. It basically makes fun of poor translation on foreign products. I met a Japanese guy this weekend who explained to me that he really cannot hear the difference between "R" and "L", hence this classic example.


Sometimes this mis-translation can make it sound like popular children's toys carry herpes.


But this shirt is rather interesting. What do you think it meant to say?


My guesses:

Against the Law!
I'm a Rebel!
I Am Firmly Against Petty Jaywalking Tickets!

More Games

According to my boyfriend on NY1 today, (he reads to me what's in the newspapers while I am getting dressed), the same guys who made the now defunct Scrabulous created a game called Wordscraper that is exactly like scrabble but doesn't involve the word "Scrab" in the title. Either way, I will always find a way to procrastinate.

Radio Time

WHEW! Well thank god that interview is over and I can get back to my sleepy time head! A big thanks to my girl Courtney for calling in and major props to Raymi Lauren for trying- that show is fairly new and they don't know what they're doing. I prolly would have been all star struck and shiz.

If anyone wants to hear me babble on about anything in particular, you can listen to it here. But if you want to watch video of a yellow lab nursing tiger cubs, go here.

Sweet Tooth

This is how tired I am- my co-worker was walking down the hall with these red suede shoes in her hand and I started thinking about red velvet cake and then I started thinking about cake and as she walked by I said, "Is that chocolate cake?" and she was like, "No... these are my red suede shoes," and I'm all, "Oh, I thought it was cake," like it made sense.

On Air

I am going to be interviewed live on this show today at 3:00 about my play! Please call in! (718) 506-1475.

Night Out

HHAHHAHAHHAHHAAH! I am surviving on FOUR hours of sleep! I feel like I'm in college and I just wrote a big old paper or something. That mixed with five hours of sleep each night this week means I'm officially DELIRIOUS!!!

Last night I went out after rehearsal with my awesome cast. We really needed a night like that to blow off some steam. Everyone was there except for one girl in the cast, but she's kind of the weak link anyway. KIDDING MP!!! You know you're the glue that keeps us funny!

So we weren't out long and behaved ourselves. That's more than I can say for some other Fringe Festival show cast members that were partying down the bar from us. Let's just say the woman playing Condoleezza Rice in their show was in a Secretary of State of Inebriation! Anyway, at one point I'm looking around the bar at my wonderful cast and creative team and all I can think is, everyone is so retardedly good looking. Inside and out; especially out. And it wasn't the wine and watermelon shots talking. Okay, maybe a bit. But to sum it up best I will leave you with a quote from one of my favorite poets, John Keates:

"Beauty is truth, truth beauty. Now take your top off."