Thursday, July 31, 2008
So my boss bought this at an auction recently- it is an original Cindy Sherman and she put it up behind me. The big joke now is, should I dress like this? Oh, man, you got it. My boss said she'd buy me one of these glasses, I just have to pick them out as long as they look similar to the ones in the photo. Can you help me narrow some down?
This is my new favoritest website ever- it makes fun of children's crappy artwork.
In this Esquire article, some woman writes about the top 10 things men don't know about women. Let me give you my analysis of some choice ones:
Completely shaving your genitals does not make them look bigger. It just makes you look gayer.
Okay, I'm a huge fan of manscaping. Not only do I like the way it looks, but... well I guess I just like the way it looks. And there's nothing wrong with looking gay.
Murdering someone because he snores should be admissible in a court of law.
We hate baby showers as much as you assume a sane person would.
Okay, that is totally true.
If teenage boys knew that no matter what they look like, knowing how to dance will get them laid at every wedding they attend in their twenties, cotillions would be wait-list only.
We don’t understand your fascination with boobs, but we’re happy you have it.
I can honestly tell you this has never crossed my mind.
I never really thought of it like that, rather it's just someone to have sex with, but whatever.
Lets come up with a few of our own, shall we?
- We know tampon talk annoys you but we do it anyway.
- We love flowers. It's cliche but true.
- We love top 10 lists.
According to some scientist guy study, this joke won the funniest joke contest in the UK:
"A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: 'That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!' The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: 'The driver just insulted me!' The man says: 'You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.'"
Ha ah! And this was the funniest joke in Australia:
"A woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?"
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."
HAHHHAHHA!!!And this is the funniest joke in North Korea:
"Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it loves our dear leader."
Ha! Ha. Ha.
My boss called me this morning with several tasks. One of the most important being, "What is the difference between a peony and hydrangea?" This is the email I sent her:
At my best friend’s wedding she made all us bridesmaids wear peonies in our hair and we looked like Flamenco dancers:"
She appreciated the bridesmaid photos.
But she went with the hydrangeas.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
I Don't Even Know Her
Me: Hello, [name of company].
Man: Hi, is [bosslady] there?
Me: No, she just stepped out.
Man: Oh, it's the [former Governor of New York City who just got caught in an embarrassing sex scandal with a hooker and had to step down].
Me: Oh, ok Mr. [former Governor of New York City who just got caught in an embarrassing sex scandal with a hooker and had to step down], let me see if I can transfer you to her cell.
Me: I have [former Governor of New York City who just got caught in an embarrassing sex scandal with a hooker and had to step down] on the line.
Her: Oh, uh... I'm rushing to the studio... uh...
Me: Just... take it.
Her: Oh, alright.
So as most of you know, Facebook doesn't have Scrabulous anymore because Hasbro threatened to sue and Scrabulous turned off their application, so helpless souls like myself and The Girl Who I IM With Who Sits Five Feet Away From Me can't play. But we can play on Scrabulous.com. Make sense? No. But here are our conversations- first in the morning before we had Scrabbulous, and the second one if after we had it again.
me (12:05:44 PM): ugo
me (12:05:49 PM): kidding
me (12:05:55 PM): sniff.
me (12:10:00 PM): what's for lunch? I'm getting Pump.
her (12:13:16 PM): no thanks
her (12:13:29 PM): sorry, i have to write up a call but i'll play after that
her (12:13:32 PM): oh...
me (12:13:34 PM): hhaha
her (12:13:36 PM): jerk
me (12:13:39 PM): 'hah
her (12:16:29 PM): ny thai grill?
me (12:16:32 PM): no
me (12:16:35 PM): pump?
me (12:16:40 PM): pump.
her (12:16:42 PM): we haven't had that in ages
me (12:16:42 PM): PUMP
me (12:16:49 PM): I already ordered
her (12:16:53 PM): ok ok
her (2:47:51 PM): did it email you to tell you its your turn?
me (2:47:57 PM): no
her (2:48:04 PM): well ugo
me (2:48:04 PM): im sure it will
me (2:51:27 PM): ugo
her (3:02:11 PM): does it email you? ugo
me (3:02:25 PM): it doesn't email you but we'll just IM. Like old times.
me (3:03:34 PM): ugo
her (3:05:00 PM): ugo
me (3:07:34 PM): ugo
me (3:08:52 PM): I knew there was a goddamn way around this thing
her (3:09:00 PM): haha
me (3:09:08 PM): you're welcome
Is is bad that my co-worker and I are still able to play Scrabulous even though no one on Facebook can? Is it bad that once we figured that out we can that we are now back to our obsessive ways? They can't stop us...
Homer Fink's Talk Radio
What Happens When Woody Harrelson and Matthew McConaughey are in a Room Together
Harrelson: I have a movie coming out.
Harrelson: I have a movie coming out.
McConaughey: I had a baby come out. We danced and cried.
McConaughey: My beautiful son Levi. Breatheren of peace and color.
McConaughey: Hey my man, you have something in your hair,
Harrelson: No that's your hair.
McConaughey: Where am I?
Harrelson: I'm not you.
McConaughey: Oh! I'm here.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
That's Telling Ya
Today all the men are out of the office so it's been a nice, relaxing all female day.
Perks of working in an office with only women:
- Great advice
- Unlimited tampons
- Supportive atmosphere
- You can walk around naked
- Copious recipe exchanges
- It's okay to cry
- Shit actually gets done
- Pillow fight!
- You are free to show 'em your "friend eggs" on that glass ceiling
- Always someone to go to the bathroom with
- Changing the Poland Spring cooler bottle
Pass the Midol
Woman in Office: Wow! It's all women in the office today!
Me: No wonder I feel so moody!
I'm just kidding. Girl power!
Monday, July 28, 2008
This was cute until they brought out the Slip N Slide.
What music do you think would have gone better with this?
a. Motorhead's Ace of Spades
b. Beastie Boys Intergalactic
c. Kenny G. Songbird
Word on the street is that someone stole Obama's private prayer from Jerusalem's Western Wall. Is nothing sacred? Well we here at Tempy have found the note. Spoiler alert! If you don't want to read it, don't look here:
Friday, July 25, 2008
This is by far one of the weirdest photo I have ever seen, next to this of course.
This article claims that there may be a link between TV watching and autism in children. Well just call me Hans Asperger then because I watched more TV than any child now ever did. And it was crappy TV too; I had neither cable nor a remote. And look at me now. I am a hardworking member of society who happens to like to pretend to be other people for a living and recently wrote a staged soft core porno play. Bring on the flat screen, people. I've got some more misunderstood genius to create.
Okay you guys, we just got our press photos back for my show The Boy in the Basement and they are freaking awesome. They're on the homepage of the show's website. Check out my leg, yo.
In other news, myself and The Girl I IM With Who Sits Five Feet Away From Me are going to donate blood today. Not because we're good people, but we are that bored.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
So I've been doing some research on this Precious Times magazine that Sherri Shepherd spoke to. Turns out it's a self described as "The Magazine for Today's Black Christian Woman". Here's their latest edition.
Missing Star Jones
Reason # 254 to hate The View panelist, Sherri Shepherd:
Ms. "The World is Flat" Shepherd told Precious Times magazine that she's "had more abortions than she'd like to count," and that she could get Barbara Walters "saved".
OK, I'm going to say this one more time. I am sick of these fuck-ups "finding god" and then shoving what they learned down our throats. What about those people who've never had abortions, don't do drugs, haven't gotten arrested who live day to day normal lives but happen not to believe in your god? Do they need to be saved? Fuck you. And even those who did have abortions and/or went through some tough times, just because you believe in your god and they have found other ways to grow and continue to improve themselves but don't want to hang out in a room every Sunday with you, does that make them bad people?
I think she should seriously keep her trap shut about saving other people. Oh, and she also said afterwards she had a conversation with god about it and now everything's cool. I really wish I had been in the room for that one.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
My friend's dad saw a very upset momma deer outside of his garage. Turned out its baby deer was caught in their garage so he put on some gloves and rescued the baby deer. Then he shot the baby deer's mom right in front of him and named it Bambi.
But seriously folks, I'm all screwed up after watching this.
The Really Real Reality World
Rut roh. So the new Real World: Brooklyn has changed locations yet again and now they are going to be in Red Hook. But here's the kicker- the landlord of their soon to be crackhouse? MY landlord. My guy owns a bunch of places and I guess he's had access to a camera-littered jacuzzi-having rotating-bed love loft complete with a pool table, fishtank and walls made of Valtrex all this time. Who knew? I know what's going to happen over the next few months.
Me: Hi, I need my sink fixed.
Landlord: Oh, OK, I'll get to it right after I take care of some de-lousing, vomit brigade cleanup, toxicology tests, fecal removal and shame reduction in 457 Van Brunt street. Then I'll get right to you. Not.
OMG I totes just had security keep out people from the office! You see normally security would call and before they can even say a name I'm all, "Send them up," whatever like I care. But after this crazed guy tried to sneak into my boss's TV studio and stabbed a security guard, I'm a bit more careful about who I let in these days. I've even gone so far as to meet people downstairs who have gifts for her so if anyone wanted to harm her they'd have to go through me first.
So when a group of dudes were all, "Yeah, we have a meeting," I was all, "No you don't," and security was all, "Yeah, GET OUT!" and they were all, "Whoa!" and guess what? They were totally just scamming to try to get into the office to do a sales pitch or something!
I just reminded myself of a moment last weekend where I was trying to explain the word "totes" to an Austrian man. He actually said, "I do not like this 'totes'". Dude, you're in America now. You better get with the program.
Where was I?
I got to thinking about ethnicity today after it was pointed out to me by my beautiful neighbor to the North, that my last post made it sound like I am Korean-American (I am not). If I were Sex and the City's Carrie Bradshaw I'd start the next sentence with, "What is ethnicity? And if we all have it, why are we all still single?"
Luckily that's not where we're going today. No, today I started thinking about the fact that I do indeed hold two passports- American and French. It's a long story but yes they're both real, no, my mom's not Angelina Jolie and no I am not married let alone to a Frenchman. But I can legally work in the EU. And then I got to thinking that since the euro is so much stronger than the US dollar right now, maybe I should do what many recent immigrants here are doing- making better money so they can either save up or send money back home. I mean, think about it- I'd get a job much like this one but make twice as much. Sure I'd get taxed on both ends but it would still come out to more. What is the euro to the dollar right now, like, 523,454,124,218,541 : 1?
So if anyone out there knows of any assistant jobs where I can use unlimited internet yet come and go as I please, let me know. As the French say, "Passer le vin, salope- Tempy est en ville."
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Observations From a Stock Photo
"I wonder what they're going to use this picture for anyway? Probably some baby merchandise or a health care poster. $10 says it's a health care posted aimed towards immigrants. And it'll probably be distributed in two languages- English and Spanish. Even though I'm a Korean-American. Yeah, it'll say something like, 'Cuándo usted cuida de los pequeños' or some shit like that.
Oh, man, I am so glad this kid is sleeping. Can you imagine? Shooting on a 95 degree day with some brat screaming my ear off. I'll bet you his mom gave him tranquilizers. I will not work with children who have not been sedated, I'll tell you that.
What the fuck am I doing anyway? Poking his belly? Fixing his blanket? Finding the note his mother pinned to him explaining why she's never coming back? I'll be you that's it.
Maybe this will be for a magazine about stay at home dads. Or maybe this is one of those queer papers- you know, for kids with two dads or something. Oh, man- I told my agent no queer shit, at least not unless it paid really really well and I'm talking full frontal gay bear magazine like 'Guy Hustler' or 'Pecs'. Yeah, I'd do that. I mean I'm not gay but that's my dream job.
What's going on? Oh, take five to adjust the light. Yeah sure, whatever, I am glad this is almost over. I can't wait to get back home and watch the game. All I gotta say is if this photo shows up on any site related to health care I'll be f@#king pissed off- I told my agent no more health care ads. They're the gayest of all."
mccain2008 (12:27:01 PM): hello?
aide45 (12:27:21 PM): yeah, you are on IM
mccain2008 (12:40:56 PM): hello? Who said that?
aide45 (12:49:02 PM): me, it's me, Tom. You are on IM
mccain2008 (12:52:58 PM): what's that beeping?
aide45 (1:06:49 PM): Mr. McCain
aide45 (1:35:25 PM): Hello
mccain2008 (1:35:29 PM): there it is again
mccain2008 (1:35:53 PM): that's not a pacemaker is it
aide45 (1:35:59 PM): Mr. McCain
mccain2008 (2:15:41 PM): the computer's not going to explode, is it?
aide45 (2:19:01 PM): Mr. McCain, please listen. This is your first lesson and we're going to strart off slow
mccain2008 (2:55:29 PM): you spelled start wrong
aide45 (2:56:41 PM): it… doesn't matter
mccain2008 (3:00:54 PM): the hell it doesn't!
aide45 (3:06:07 PM): this is IM sir you can… never mind. So after you log on, you can now have conversations with people through what is called Instant Messaging. That is what this is. IM.
mccain2008 (3:08:40 PM): you are sitting right there
aide45 (3:09:56 PM): sir
mccain2008 (2:55:29 PM): I can see you. Why are you PMing me? I can have a conversation with you face to face
aide45 (2:56:41 PM): sir, let's pretend you can't hear me
mccain2008 (3:00:54 PM): are you saying I'm old?!?
aide45 (3:06:07 PM): Sir, the majority of the American people use computers. You need to learn to keep up
mccain2008 (3:08:40 PM): ok
aide45 (3:09:56 PM): good. Let's keep going.
mccain2008 (2:55:29 PM): what's this?
aide45 (2:56:41 PM): oh no
mccain2008 (3:00:54 PM): What the…
aide45 (3:06:07 PM): please, sir
mccain2008 (3:08:40 PM):
aide45 (3:09:56 PM): sir
mccain2008 (2:55:29 PM):
aide45 (2:56:41 PM): sir
mccain2008 (3:00:54 PM): what fun!!!
aide45 (3:06:07 PM): oh boy
mccain2008 (3:08:40 PM):
Monday, July 21, 2008
Hey you guys! GOSSIP TIME! Have you heard that Lindsay Lohan and her "galpal" Samantha Ronsen are a gay couple? That means Lohan is a lesbian! That's crazy! Word on the street is that the two have been seen hugging, kissing and holding pinkies together in public. Holy cow! That gives a whole new meaning to red carpet, huh guys?!?
Looks like Whoopi Goldberg and Elizabeth Hasselbeck totes made up on The View! If you remember they had a fight about a bad word! It breaks down like this- Whoopi said something smart, Hasselbeck said something dumb and Sherri Shepherd told the girls to calm down because the flat earth would get all tipped over! Thank goodness she was there!
Finally, BRADGELINA MADNESS!!! The two welcomed two beautiful babies into the world! Nothing could be more important than that!
That's it for today you guys! And don't forget to Feel Tempy! No, seriously, feel me. HAHHAHAHA!!!!! Bye!!!
Notes from Cuteness
Hello. My name is Memebon and I am the cutest kitten in the world. Now I know what you are thinking. "Oh, hey, it's freaking Memobop or some shit thinking he's the freaking bomb. Hey, Memorex, go sit in a cup."
Well that is not funny because that's all they make me do. They being "The Bi-Pedal Food Givers". I don't know why they keep putting me in teacups and beds and take photos of me with tiny dolls. It is not my fault that my face is scrunched pleasingly and I have silly patterns of fur on my face. Achoo! Oh, no- I sneezed. That makes the "Food Givers" very happy. Ha ha ha go laugh and take your pictures. I had a freaking ant crawl up my nose.
Oh now this is rich. I'm in a bowl on a scale. I don't even know why this could be construed as cute. Some fucktard's all, "Hey let's take that kitten Mtumbo and put him in that ice cream dish and weigh the bitch. then we'll take pictures and put him all over the internet." Genius, Einstein. That idea is brills; I have a better one- take some long haired baby dachshund, put peanut butter on his crotch and take pictures of him licking himself. Comic genius.
Oh here we go. This is the money shot- me with tiny barnyard animals. HAHHAHAHHA get it??? I'm BIGGER then they are! Oh, oh my side. I'm pretty sure this isn't the first time someone's taken a small thing and put an even smaller thing next to it for others' amusement. Hey, everyone- eat a dick sandwich. I'm going to get bigger some day. Then you'll see.
Have you ever had that not so fresh feeling? I know, right? Well fear not, ladies because if you thought there were 101 uses for Lysol, now there's 102.
(you might want to click on this image to see a larger one)
What else can Lysol be used for?
- eye drops
- nail polish remover
- lemonade mix
- motor oil
- face cream
- coffee creamer
- baby formula
- oil spill duck de-greaser
Shirts and Dogs
Hey guys! Some weekend, eh? Did you miss me? I had a productive one- hours of rehearsal, time with friends, and I even squeezed my big ass into a bikini yesterday for a dip in a community pool. Yeah!
Saturday night as I was coming back from dinner and I was on the train, I saw a guy with this crazy shirt on so I took like, 80 gazillion pictures of it. The problem was I was extremely inebriated so I had absolutely no recollection of it until the next day when I was like, "Why are there so many pictures in my phone of this guy?" And the worst part is I could not see what it said because the pictures were inexplicably blurry. I finally downloaded it and here's the guy:
Can you see what his shirt says? It says, "I'm in one of my moods." Awesome! Clearly so funny I had to take a million pictures of it. It's a good thing he wasn't in one of those moods his shirt spoke of as my ass surely would have been kicked for photographing him.
But the best part about the weekend was when I realized exactly how retarded my dog actually is. And I got it all on video! What happened was, it occurred to me my dog was standing in the same spot for 20 minutes and when I looked closely it was because he was "stuck". The following is what ensued:
Thursday, July 17, 2008
What has two thumbs and took a personal day off work tomorrow? This gal. Yeah, not a "work from home" day, not a "taking the 'day off' but really doing wretched film jobs", not "Going to a wedding". I'm talking a real old fashioned personal day.
I mean, I still have rehearsal tomorrow night, but at least I have the day to hang around, chill w/my dog and get some shiz done. And by "shiz" I mean "watch crappy tv".
Carrots and Ice
This was sent to me today. For the full ad, click here.
I love how advertisers back in the day talked to women like, "You won't BELIEVE what this PRODUCT can do for YOU and your family..." In this particular ad they are comparing carrots to women. Like, "Carrots dry up. WOMEN dry up. You are a woman. You'll dry up!"
Now I don't know about you but when I see a big, hard carrot in ad I've only got one thing on my mind. Beta carotene. So you can toss your sorry ad where the sun don't shine- you're not scaring me into buying an ice machine. (Is that what the ad is for?) All I know is there's a line about "three way protection". For me, the only thing to protect me from anything "three way" is called "not drinking".
Transcript from John McCain's speech to the NAACP Convention:
"Hello everyone, and thank you for having me at your convention.
Thank you. Thank you. Let me begin, if I may, with a few words about my opponent. Don't tell him I said this, but he's an impressive fellow in many ways.
He's inspired a great many Americans, some of whom have wrongly believed that a political campaign could hold no purpose or meaning for them. This success should make Americans, all Americans, proud. And I'll admit at first I was afraid of him!
And not just because he's black!
You know... because he's a great candidate. Uh, a few years before the NAACP was founded, President Theodore Roosevelt's invitation of Booker T. Washington to dine at the White House was taken as an outrage and an insult in many quarters. America today is a world away from the cruel and prideful bigotry of that time. There's no better evidence of this than the nomination of an African-American to be the presidential nominee of his party.
And I mean, you can't get any blacker than Obama!
(SILENCE. PIN DROP)
He's the real deal. Real black, African black. Dark like the... jungles of Vietnam at night. Where I was a prisoner for 5 years. I served my country proudly in Vietnam, and I made it back alive.
Um, so I'd like to give praise for all Senator Obama's done for the black community.
But watch out, cuz McCain's in town!
And I'm going to run a good campaign. A fair campaign. With dignity and respect for my opponent.
That won't stop me from locking my car doors when I roll through his neighborhood!
You know, because those supporters of his might ask me for money!
For his campaign... and I, uh I mean, I wouldn't give it because... I'm running against him. Oh, Jeez."
The email I drafted for my boss to send her son in camp:
Hello. How’s camp going? We miss you very much. ---- and ---- are having a great time at Camp --------, but can’t wait for you to come back. How is everyone there? What sports are you playing? We hope you are having a great time, and we will see you at parent’s weekend!
Mom and Dad"
The email I wanted to send:
Hello! Did you like that card my assistant picked out for you? There's 5 more. It only took her three hours in Hallmark getting them because boy cards are hard to come by.
How's everything at camp? Life sure is easy and fun isn't it. Did you know that the cost of your camp supplies and mandatory uniforms alone could pay for food for 50,000 starving children in Africa for 20 years? It's true.
Hope you are kicking butt at sports! If you aren't Dad will think you're a fag. He already thinks there's no hope for your younger brother ---- so we have a lot riding on you. A lot. You are our legacy. Don't f@#k it up.
I'm glad you are making new friends!
We will see you soon at parents weekend and you'd better have a lot to show for your time there.
Mom and Dad"
A New Dessert
I was reading AM NY this morning when I saw this article about restaurant week. This photo was on the page. What is this? What the hell is this? I want one. I don't even know what it is but I want one. Here's what I imagine it to be...
- The bottom part is crispy granola/smores/chocolate rice crispies treat
- Right above that is gooey chocolate, hazelnut and peanut butter fudge. Shut up, right?
- That top part is just straight up mother fucking cylinder of nougat. Big old mound of nougat, no apologies all what up, bitch I'm nougat and shiz.
- Flakes of... gold? Nay, flakes of candied hazelnut. I don't even know if they make that but they do now. In my imagination.
- And that weird thing on top? Well, it looks like a sausage. But for the sake of keeping it sweet, I say it's rolled up toasted caramel. So there.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
maddoxthegreat (12:03:11 PM): hey dickbag where RU
child3 (2:05:18 PM): I am in the living room
maddoxthegreat (2:12:33 PM): which one
child3 (2:16:52 PM): the one on the left
maddoxthegreat (2:26:38 PM): HAHHAHA I am in the dining hall with Zahara
child3 (2:27:13 PM): ok
maddoxthegreat (2:27:26 PM): hey Pax did u hear mom and Brad had another two kids?
maddoxthegreat (2:27:32 PM): boy and girl
child3 (2:27:38 PM): yes, father says we shall see them soon
maddoxthegreat (2:27:40 PM): wll you kno what THAT meanz
child3 (2:28:15 PM): what?
maddoxthegreat (2:31:29 PM): no more room 4 u
child3 (2:32:21 PM): what?
maddoxthegreat (2:33:38 PM): they're sending u back to
child3 (2:33:48 PM): I am from
maddoxthegreat (2:33:53 PM): whatevs
child3 (2:33:55 PM): you are from
child3 (2:34:04 PM): 13 o 00' N and 105 o 00' E
maddoxthegreat (2:40:17 PM): what the fuck is that
child3 (3:47:32 PM): the latitude and longitude of
maddoxthegreat (3:52:56 PM): big deal u can read her tattoo you freak. Have u seen the one on her back
child3 (3:56:14 PM): no
maddoxthegreat (4:06:02 PM): it's a tiger. Eating your birth mom. That's how she died. And mom got a tattoo of it.
child3 (4:09:40 PM): no… that can't be true
maddoxthegreat (4:15:12 PM): too bad u have to go back home now that the two babiez were born
child3 (4:23:28 PM): you lie
maddoxthegreat (4:28:31 PM): nope sorry, only room for 5 kids
maddoxthegreat (4:28:49 PM): that’s what Bard said
maddoxthegreat (4:28:53 PM): Brad
child3 (4:28:57 PM): no. Why me
child3 (4:30:08 PM): is mother cross with me
maddoxthegreat (4:34:20 PM): nah
maddoxthegreat (4:41:03 PM): it's just when u have many kids, theres only enough love in your heart fpr a maximum of 5
child3 (4:43:23 PM): why
maddoxthegreat (4:46:10 PM): since I'm the first, I get kept,
maddoxthegreat (4:53:37 PM): so it's u who goes
child3 (4:54:45 PM): I am sad
maddoxthegreat (4:55:00 PM): yeah me too. NOT
maddoxthegreat (4:59:05 PM): u should pack
child3 (5:01:00 PM): ok
maddoxthegreat (5:04:23 PM): yeah, and see that truck out there? That's going back to
child3 (5:04:59 PM): ok
maddoxthegreat (5:05:45 PM): ill miss u bro
maddoxthegreat (5:05:46 PM): sorta
child3 went idle at 2:59:26 PM
Can You Guess?
This is the homepage of my web host, Startlogic. Every time I log on I have to see this stream of douchey faces. I finally came up with identities for all of them. Can you guess which goes where?
Guess which one is the:
Creepy Old Dude
Will Kick Your Ass- For Jesus
Wants to be More than Friends
The answers are here.
There's a Boy in my Basement
Hey guys, what's this?
Oh, I dunno, maybe it's just the sexiest freaking show ever to hit the New York stage, ever. Well, not counting the soon to be revived slapstick Arthur Miller comedy, All My Sons, starring the robot she-bride Katie Holmes. That too will be mucho sexy!
No, I'm talking about The Boy in the Basement written by yours truly. Who doesn't love a trashy romance novel live on stage? You know what I love about this pic? It's totes awesome save for the man's shriveled, atrophied left hand. WTF? Do you see that? I love the designer guy, at least based on my email relationship with him, but he's all like, "Oh, it's fine" and I'm like, it looks like she's getting with a Skeksie.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Okay I'm not horny anymore. There's something about walking through the streets of New York talking with my boss about the economy and almost getting run over by Reggie Jackson's SUV that takes you out of the mood.
My female boss and I are going frame shopping together to buy a frame for this very expensive Cindy Sherman photo she bought for me to put over my desk. Are we the gay power couple or what?
Hot in Here
Okay, so I've been reading the call girl's blog and I have to say, it's pretty awesome. And graphic. And kind of hot. Okay, it's exciting, I said it. I'm aroused and I'm at work. TMI? TMI.
I actually knew a woman who masturbated at work on a regular basis. Luckily she worked in a dildo factory. Hey-oh! Apologies, my brain is a bit scrambled. No more soft core written porn for me today.
OBAMA: Have a seat, Hillary.
OBAMA: I've... I heard some things. About you and... Bill Richardson.
OBAMA: You know. Remember when he was thinking of running, and you went to him and asked him if you could be his VP, all the while hanging out with me?
CLINTON: Um, no, but OK.
OBAMA: Well, it's obvious you'd rather be his VP.
CLINTON: Bar, he's not even running.
OBAMA: I heard you went to his house three weeks ago.
CLINTON: So? He just got the new version of the Wii and we were trying out that game President Hero and...
OBAMA: It's obvious who you want to run with. And Hillary, it's okay.
OBAMA: You can run with him. I just want you to be happy.
CLINTON: Wwwwwait a minute... are you telling me I'm not getting your VP spot?
OBAMA: No, I'm telling you that I know you'd rather be with him. And that's okay.
CLINTON: No, I'm not!
OBAMA: I'm alright with it, Hil. And to be frank I've... been meeting with some other candidates...
CLINTON: Hold the phone, Bar. You are so telling me you don't want me to be your VP, but you're twisting it all around to make it look like it's my fault. You are such a dude! "No, it's clear you want to be with so-and-so" all the while you've been seeing other people! It's like when Bill sat me down and said he suspected I was cheating on him with Warren Christopher, and I was like, "Huh?" and that's when he revealed that because of that, he fell into Monica's arms. Well, fuck you, Bar. I won't fall for that one. Again. I want to be your VP, I don't want to run with anyone else, and you better damn well get used to it. I'm a free woman, Bar. A free woman. And I will be running with whomever I want! But don't you dare put words in my mouth or tell me who I want to be with.
OBAMA: Oh, I'm sorry. I... still would like to consider you. You are right. I've been so wrong.
CLINTON: It's okay Bar.
OBAMA: (starts to weep) I've been under so much pressure!
CLINTON: (brings him into a hug) There, there.
OBAMA: You're too good for me. I don't deserve you. Just... just go.
OBAMA: Just leave me!
CLINTON: I'm sorry it didn't work out Bar. Wait... wait a minute...
OBAMA: You knew that was a trap too, eh?
CLINTON: You are never getting rid of me.
Secret Diaries of a Temp
Recently I watched Showtime's newest creation, Secret Diaries of a Call Girl. It's not bad but what's interesting is that it's based on this woman's blog. Some people are saying that it may be a hoax or it's not true or whatever, but I know that there is always some element of truth in writing, and even if she's not really a hooker, the woman's done her research.
Which led me to think, what if someone wanted to make a show about my blog? Tempy- The Crazy Adventures of a Temp. First of all it would be on a less risque network, like, the CW or Animal Planet (come on- what with all the dog postings?), and I'm fairly certain it would need some embellishment. Like, maybe I'm a temp but I work for a company that hires hit men, and I have to wear a disguise... or maybe I am a temp that on the side has sex with men for money. Or... wait, wait for it... I'm a woman who has sex for money, but not just any men, only high class men with wives and money and secrets, and I'll call it: Tempy: The Secret Diaries of a Call Girl.
No, no. I'm pretty sure that's been done before. So let's get serious. First, who will play me? I get compared to Lili Taylor all the time so let's go with that.
Now my boss- as you all know she's a very powerful semi famous woman, so it's a no-brainer that she should be played by Angelina Jolie.
Episode 1: The Case of the Elusive Reservation to the Weekend Spa.
Bosslady: Can you look into making a reservation for me and my husband at Lake Falls?
Tempy: What the hell is that?
Bosslady: Honestly, it's a weekend spa with classes and massages and stuff. But it's also really a place for rich alcoholics to detox, kinda like a post rehab getaway.
Tempy: No alcohol allowed?
Tempy: Screw that, I'd go somewhere where I could swim in a river of expensive wine on my vacation.
Bosslady: You know what? We're gonna go to LA instead.
Tempy: Wise choice.
That conversation really happened. See what I mean by spicing it up? Don't worry, when we get signed to animal planet my dog will have a very prominent role. And he will be played by this guy:
FANNIE MAE: What the hell are you doing?
FREDDIE MAC: Eating a burger.
FANNIE MAE: At a time like this?
FREDDIE MAC: Fuck you, Fannie. It's not a big deal.
FANNIE MAE: Not a big deal? NOT A BIG DEAL?!? You're the one who wanted to invest in subprime mortgage securities.
FREDDIE MAC: Puuuhlease, Fannie. Don't get your undies in a bundle. We're too important to fail. Something'll happen, don't you worry. Now here, have a doughnut.
FANNIE MAE: No.
FREDDIE MAC: C'mon, just eat the freaking doughnut.
FANNIE MAE: No, I'm too upset to eat.
FREDDIE MAC: You're thinking about your sister again, aren't you.
FANNIE MAE: I should have gone into student loans like she did.
FREDDIE MAC: There, there. There's no guarantee Sallie won't feel this crunch too.
FANNIE MAE: Would you stop patting my hair!
FREDDIE MAC: Why did we do this, Fannie? To give low- and middle-income Americans the chance to buy homes at a reasonable interest rate, that's why. It's not our fault the economy is in the shitter.
FANNIE MAE: Language!
FREDDIE MAC: Fannie, I love you.
FANNIE MAE: I… love you too.
FREDDIE MAC: We'll get through this.
FANNIE MAE: Hand me that Boston Crème.
FREDDIE MAC: There's my girl.
OFFICE OF FEDERAL HOUSING
FANNIE MAE: Oh, damn. Shhh… just stay still, maybe he won't see us.
FREDDIE MAC: So damn cocky.
OFFICE OF FEDERAL HOUSING
FANNIE MAE: Just, you know, eating doughnuts…
OFFICE OF FEDERAL HOUSING
FREDDIE MAC: (mumbling) You're a retard.
OFFICE OF FEDERAL HOUSING
FREDDIE MAC: Oh, I just said, check out my new guitar.
OFFICE OF FEDERAL HOUSING
FREDDIE MAC: Just… have a doughnut.