Are You Smarter Than An American Idol Contestant?

This is Kelly Pickler from American Idol "fame". This is your brain on bleach. Any questions?

Weird

So I'm perusing the NYtimes.com today when I read a review about this movie called Protagonist. It's a documentary about four men who each have a strong cause they believe in. Featured is Hans Klein, a career criminal. I seriously thought they used an old picture of Bush. Look at the resemblance! It's scary.

Holiday Spirit

I went to my uncle's house in Queens the other day and check out his tree!

I'm just kidding. My uncle's not in Queens, he's in jail.

On a side note, a British friend of mine sent me this and I asked him on the phone, "Is it Grolsch?" (referring to the beer bottles), and he says, "No, I think it's Boston."

Leave it to Craigslist

And this is how mommy and daddy met:

I had bedbugs, you had herpes - m4w - 29

Deck The Hall With... Bialy's?

Okay, so I've been asked to plan the company Christmas party and by "plan" I mean "call the caterer" and by "Christmas" I mean "Hanukkah" as almost everyone here is Jewish.

My only other experience in throwing holiday parties is when I worked at the bar. Turns out there's a whole different set of rules for bar holiday parties versus office holiday parties. I did some research and had to make an etiquette list:

Screw It

For those of you who don't know, I love power tools.

I'm leaving that one wide open.

Anyway, I used to build sets in college and got real handy with a screw gun, nail gun, table saw, you name it. So we often order shelves and such for the office and it's always Ms. Handylady over here who ends up putting it together cuz I'm not worried about breaking a friggin nail. I leave the bodily injuries to my actual digits because I'm real like that. (My toe is doing much better, thank you). Now normally the building lets me borrow their super awesome drill gun, even though it's against policy and a liability. But I usually bat my eyes and get my way. Today though, bossman electrician told me he really couldn't lend it to me this time. Of course ten minutes later one of his employees brought it up to me on the sly. But within those ten minutes I asked, got permission for and purchased a company drill gun. My own motherf@#king drill gun. I'm gonna name her Sally.

Dread Thompson

What is it about Fred Thompson? Is it that he claims abortion is the number one enemy in America or that he looks like if Richard Nixon were born with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome?

IM Not Here

My co-workers get pissed at me when I don't sign on to IM. But the thing is, I hate IM. The only thing it's good for is to make a snide comment about someone in the office. Plus I'm like, two feet away from you. And the screen pops up when I'm in the middle of things and I have to respond or I'll never hear the end of it.

But if I don't sign on, I get phone calls. "Why aren't you on IM?" Um, you just called me. If something is so important or that joke is really all that funny, just call me. Or email me. Alas, I am signed on today because I just don't feel like answering any questions.

The Saga Continues

And now, behind the scenes of tonight's Republican candidates YouTube debate:

A small, windowless room. Fred Thompson sits at a table. Giuliani is perched on the desk next to him.

Thompson: I don't understand.

Giuliani: Don't understand, or don't want to understand?

Thompson: I just feel so... lost.

Giuliani: Do you feel lost, or do you feel that you are losing?

Thompson: For chrissakes Giuliani will you just let me talk? I don't know what to do (pounding his fists on the table). I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!

Giuliani: It's simple, Freddy. It's time to throw in the towel. I've planted the question and you're going to answer it as I see fit, see? Or else.

Thompson: You wouldn't dare.

Giuliani: Oh, I've done it before.

Thompson: Poppycock! What makes you think you can seduce my wife?!

Giuliani: What makes you think I haven't already? (pulls red panties from his pocket)

Thompson: Jesus, Rudy, everyone knows those are yours, you fruit.

Giuliani: (embarrassed) Oh, I'm sorry I pulled out the wrong pair. I mean these... (pulls out a pair of black lace panties)

Thompson: Where did you get those?!

Giuliani: Where do you think?

Thompson: Rudy, I'm an old man.

Giuliani: Tell me something I don't know, dickhead.

Thompson: Is that any way to talk to your father?!

Giuliani: W...what?

Thompson: That's right, Rudy. I am your father.

Giuliani: But then... your hot wife Jeri, she's...

Thompson: Your mother, Rudy.

Giuliani: But...

Thompson: You slept with your mother, Rudy.

(Giuliani screams out in agony. He pulls out a ballpoint pen and violently pokes his eyes out. He died a whimpering, bleeding mess on the floor)

Thompson: (smiling) Well, that was too easy. One down... 5 more to go...

to be continued...

Please Don't Call

Oh, no. The first ever death-by-cellphone explosion has just happened. And it's not spy-related either. Check it out:

"An exploding mobile phone battery apparently killed a South Korean man in the first such known case in this gadget-obsessed country, police say. 'We presume that the cell phone battery exploded,' the police official said on condition of anonymity. LG Electronics confirmed its product was involved in the accident but said such a battery explosion and death was virtually impossible."

Are you f@#king serious? First exploding laptops, now this. That's it. I'm getting that Nintendo Wii I had surgically implanted in my brain removed.

ImmiGRATEing

Do you guys ever watch Lou Dobbs on CNN? He's the guy who hates George Bush and immigrants. I love his show because he really tells it like it is. The best part is his little lackey Jack Cafferty, an ex-Fox turned CNN anchor/commentator/badass. Whenever Dobbs can't really get his point across, he always just throws it to Cafferty, the Robin Quivers to his Howard Stern.

If you missed last night's show, here's an actual* transcript:

Dobbs: Welcome back to a segment I like to call Broken Borders. Today's guest is Rep. Luis Gutierrez, a democrat from Illinois who is pushing for open-borders, amnesty and free ice cream for millions of illegal aliens. Welcome Mr. Gutierrez.

Mr. G: Si, gracias. I'm kidding! Hello.

Dobbs: Mr. Gutierrez, let's just get right to the point here. You say you want millions of immigrants to not only get US drivers licenses and passports, but also unlimited welfare, free cable and the right to be ordained in the catholic ministry. Why are you such a dick?

Mr. G: Well, it's not that simple, Lou. You see if we get dangerous illegal drivers off the streets and make sure they are held to the same scrutiny as...

Dobbs: I mean this is ridiculous. First the administration refuses to take heat for the Valerie Plame leak and then you democrats want illegal aliens to teach our children. If this isn't a breach of national security I don't know what is. Jack? Jack? Where's Jack? There he is. Jack Cafferty in New York, what do you have to say about this?

Cafferty: Grrrr...Ruff ruff RUFF!!! Rrrrrrrrrrruff!

Dobbs: Good boy.

Cafferty: Rrrrrrrrrr.

Dobbs: When we return I'll ask Mr. Gutierrez how he got into this country.

Mr. G: Lou, I was born...

Dobbs: And later, I will ask the Reverend Jesse Jackson his views on George Bush's decision give a free ride to a private school of an illegal immigrant's choice while so many African-American children have to go to public school.

Rev. Jackson: Uhhhhhhhhhhh... really?

Dobbs: After this.



*by actual I mean fabricated

Fun With Google Image

Separated at birth?

I'm just kidding, that Shih Tzu is cute and they don't really look alike. I just hate Britney Murphy and any chance to compare her to a mid-level intelligence mammal I take.

Sizzling

"Reor! Rowreor!!!" sizzle, pop "Meo-OREOOOOOW!" crackle, hiss


Oh, and Britney Spears is pregnant again, by the wayzzle.

Poem

Okay you pervs, as per your votes, I'm going to write a haiku about my sister's boobs.

Softest mammories
A gift from mother nature
Where the babies eat

Poll Time

I need your help.

Thoughtful

As most of you know, my favorite ecard site ever is someecards.com. They always have the best cards for almost every occasion.

If I wrote for someecards, I'd add these little gems:

"I'm happy you made it to work considering you closed down that karaoke bar."

"I'm sorry they don't make an ecard for what happened last weekend."

"Congratulations on your menses."

"I'm sorry my dog bit your dog's ear off."

You get the idea. Please feel free to add your own.

A Century of Support

Happy 100 year anniversary, brassiere! According to the news, the bra was officially given its name by the masterminds at Vogue 100 years ago. It's about time people stopped calling it "The Barrier Thingee That Gets Between Me And My Girlfriend's Sweet Titties". For your viewing pleasure, I found the first ever blueprint:

Person Of The Year

Okay, it takes a lot to impress me (that's not true), but I'll tells ya, this thing does:

Last year when Tempy was born, I was working at a little place that starts with JP and rhymes with Morgan. The girl I worked with and I exchanged email addresses and every now and again we catch up. Well today I got a forward from her friend who works at Time Magazine. This year, there is going to be a billboard in Times Square speculating through photos who Time's "Person of the Year" should be. There are celeb photos of course, but they want pictures of regular people up there for 30 seconds at a time. They need to collect 50,000 photos. But wait, this is the best part- if your photo is chosen, they take a still of it on a webcam and they send you the image of you on a billboard in Times Square.

A billboard in Times Square! I thought you had to be either an Abercrombie and Fitch model or a big steaming cup of coffee to harness that honor! So the link is here. Just go to "upload photo". You can crop your photo on the site.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got some Ofoto albums to scour.

True Love

After purchasing $230 worth of new flatware at Crate & Barrel with the company card, I went to the kitchen to arrange said flatware. In walks Recently Engaged Woman.

REW: Hey.

Me: Hey!

REW: New flatware?

Me: Yeah.

REW: (sigh).

Me: What's the matter? The engagement too overwhelming for you?

REW: Yeah. It's like, I'm just not as excited as I should be.

Me: Look at it this way- you're going to get many parties and tons of free shit.

REW: Yeah... (points to microwave) Has that always been there?

Me: Yeah.

REW: Oh.

Me: Go home.

REW: Okay.

iTube

If you could ask a question during the CNN YouTube debates starring the Republican presidential candidates this week what would you ask?

And what is more annoying: Fred Thompson or a box of Styrofoam packing peanuts?

Engaging

A girl in my office just got engaged! Her ring is really big and kind of looks like this:


She thinks it's too big. Personally, I agree. When I get proposed to, I'd rather have something small, tasteful, and preferably something that hasn't directly caused the devastation of an entire village of Sierra Leone.

Pump Up The Volume

Since a scratch and sniff post is out of the question, I thought I'd do something almost as interactive. A musical homage to today's CuteOverload.com. Please turn on the volume of your computer, click the play button below on the box that says "Digital Media Converter Trial Version Please Register", and scroll down slowly. Enjoy.

Stand Clear of the Meaty Arms

Today's Asstard of the Day Award goes to this guy on the train this morning:
I almost said something but he got off two stops after I got on. I mean, really? Is it necessary to spread your wings on the train like that?

New Favorite Site

This is...

Men Who Look Like Old Lesbians

Thanks, M.

Lights, Camera

My boss getting her hair blown out and make up done for the live via satellite spot she has to do soon from the TV studio the network built for her in our office. Also, a friend of mine just emailed me to say CNBC just said "Live! From [Tempy's office]!"

Song

"Notary"

To be sung to the tune of Laura Brannigan's "Gloria"

Notary, you’ve got a difficult vocation
Cuz if he won’t swear the oath
You gotta get an affirmation
Your training course is six hours
So your patience you must toughen
To listen to the instructor
And eat complimentary muffins

So now you got an embosser
And a super fancy stamp
You’re a goddamn certifying champ
You’re a Notary

Notary, that ID he has is suspect
But if it turns out to be a false one
Is it acceptable defect?

Notary
(Notary)
It’s a legal acquisition
(Notary)
But if they won’t go to court
(Notary)
You gotta take a deposition!
(Notary)

But you really don't remember
Was it truthful that they said?
Are the oaths all in your head?
Calling, Notary

A-ha-ha, a-ha-ha

Notary, this litigation is a caper
So before you know it
You’ll have to seal the chattel paper

But is it all really worth it?
You’re not a pimp mac daddy baller
Cuz you can only charge two dollars
Silly Notary

Testorific

Man, I loves me some Wall Street in the morning. Especially waiting outside on line with 30 other middle aged office workers furiously glancing at note cards. You know what's better than that? Being herded like cattle into a huge, taupe room, getting fingerprinted and given a scantron form. Oh, and even better is finding out that the test is a lot harder than you and everyone else you spent the whole day at the Holiday Inn conference room with thought. Luckily I studied a lot and used my reasonable knowledge of the law to answer most of the questions so I did well. Oh, here was one:

A legal proceeding in court is called:

a. Litigation
b. Conveyance
c. Ex Parte
d. That thing my sister does. No, not that thing!

We'll see in I pass but ask me if I care. I've got some free lunch to eat.

Test

Wish me luck on my Notary Public test tomorrow.

I Feel Awful But...

I'm sorry, this is a picture of a certain celebrity's kid. There's nothing wrong with facial hair, but when your mom's so glamorous, maybe it's okay to wax.

Holiday Cheer

I just found out I am going to see this:


It's the new show from the creators of De LaGuarda ie. the BEST SHOW EVER. I'm going to pee my pants I am so excited. Plus there's a party beforehand at the W hotel, just a stumbling distance across the street from the theater. Like it couldn't get any better.

I know the show probably won't be as good as De LaGuarda, because nothing ever will be, but as long as there's music, water and Argentinians, I'm happy.

Write Off

What with this writers strike and Broadway stagehand strike going on it's tough out there. You never hear of a banker strike or a lawyer strike. Always the artistic ones and teachers who have something to say. Not that I don't support the unions; I am in one. But I heard of this jackass story in the Post today. It makes both sides look horrendous- check it: so the stagehands say they'd let "The Grinch" on Broadway play, because it's a limited run and it's Christmas, dammnit. But the theater was like, seriously? Go fuck yourselves. So they held a press conference and had the little girl who plays Cindy Lou Who speak and she said, "I want to work. I like to hear clapping." Jesus Christ. She then burst into tears and her mom carried her off. Then she grew up to be spoiled and annoying.

I Know Dogs Travel In Packs, But This Is Ridiculous!

I don't even know what to make of this picture. It's like, both the cutest thing I've ever seen and the most disturbing.

School's Out

"Hey Tempy, how was Notary class?"

Gee guys, thanks for asking. It was great save for the fact that my ass had to be sitting for six hours. As comfortable as they look, those Holiday Inn standard conference room chairs can be quite deceiving.

Showgirls- A Vegas Misadventure, Part 2

In a dank supply room in the basement of the Venetian Hotel.

Biden: Dear god.

Dodd: Beautiful, isn't she?

Biden: (looking at machine) But... does it work?

Dodd: Does it work? Does it WORK? I didn't spend years befriending Karl Rove's wife for nothing.

Biden: What does she look like anyway?

Dodd: I don't know. Kind of like, Karl Rove in a dress. That's not the point. The point is this. It works. And works well.

Biden: What does it to?

Dodd: The Speechographer9.11 has the incredible capability to add September 11th references in parts of everyday speech in such a way that subliminally the audience you are speaking to will become really really scared. And then vote for you.

Biden: So you just...

Dodd: That's right. You see here- write down all the issues you want to talk about and put it in the top. Then simply type in the desired length of your speech, the target audience and your age, and poof!

whirring

Biden: (staring incredulously as the machine rolls out a piece of paper. Holds it.) So is this... is this what Giuliani uses?

Dodd: You fool! Everyone knows Guiliani is a robot! He has one of these baby's implanted into his metal robot brain! That's why he can't talk about anything else!

Biden: Got it. But... why? Why are you giving this to me?

Dodd: (sitting) I'm getting old, Joe. No one gets me. I think I'm polling last.

Biden: I'm pretty sure fairy-boy Kucinich is last.

Dodd: That may be but let's be honest. I have a chance of getting that nomination as much as Fred Thompson has sex with that hot wife of his.

Biden: Oh, yeah. She's hot. (wolf whistles)

Dodd: Anyway, I want you to have the nomination. I want you to win. But you'll need this. You've got to get tough.

Biden: And in return?

Dodd: I'll be your vice president.

Biden: But I promised Harry Reid...

Dodd: Harry Reid's dead, Biden.

Biden: What?

Dodd: Okay, he's not dead. But if he were... you couldn't use him. I want you to think about it, Joe. Think about it. The next debate is in a week and a half. I know you want to win as much as I need to pee every five minutes.

(Dodd leaves and shuts door behind him, leaving Biden with the Speechographer9.11. Biden crumples to a heap on the floor, head in his hands. He weeps.)

To be continued...

When All You've Got is Beer Cans

Ladies and gentlemen, the redneck grill.

You know, my birthday is coming up...

Cover Girl/Boys

Today's theme: Politics.

I would kill to be a fly on the wall for this photo shoot. Barack's got back. And do you know why Giuliani is the only one wearing anything? It's because of 9/11.

Showgirl

Overheard on the casino floor the day before the democratic debates in Vegas:

At the blackjack table

Clinton: I'd like a hit, please.

Edwards: Why a hit? You should double down. You've got two aces. Always double down when you have a two 10's or 11's.

Clinton: Okay... I guess I'll double down then.

Obama: You are such a flip flopper.

Clinton and Edwards: Shut up Barack!

Obama: Whatever.

Dealer: Lady gets two blackjacks.

Clinton: Yes! Fucking yes!

Biden: You are such a sore winner.

Clinton: Oh, why hello Joe. I didn't even see you there.

Biden: Ha, ha. Ha.

Richardson: Here you go Hillary! Vodka cranberry seltzer! Just like you asked!

Clinton: (spitting) Is this Ocean Spray cranberry? I specifically asked for unsweetened Lakewood organic cranberry juice!

Richardson (whispering, bowing) I'm sorry senator...

Clinton: And as for you, Joe, perhaps you should be thinking about being extra nice to me too, see? Because when I am the nominee, I'll need a vice. Vice president, that is.

Biden: Why are you pulling up your skirt? Dear god, is that a garter?

Clinton: My husband, we're alike, he and I. I always get my way. No matter what it takes.

Biden: Please don't try to fuck me.

Clinton: Well then you better play a little nicey-poo at the next debate. Joe LIEdon.

Richardson: Good one senator!

Clinton: Shut up.

Richardson: Yes, ma'am.

Obama: (swigs his scotch, wipes mouth. Coughs. Regains composure) Hillary, you won't get away with this. When I am nominated, me and Edwards are going all the way.

Edwards: Um, I'm sorry... excuse me? I thought that... like, I'd win the nomination and you'd be my VP.

Obama: Okay. We can talk about that Edwards. Or... we could talk about, healthcare?

Dodd: Healthcare!

Edwards: Where'd he come from?

Obama: (to himself) That was close.

Clinton: Oh, no.

Richardson: What?

Clinton: Dennis is coming over.

Edwards: Quick, don't look over there.

Kucinich: Hey! Hey guys!

Clinton, Edwards, Obama, Richardson, Dodd: Hi Dennis.

Kucinich: Whatchya doin', huh? Whaaat's that guys?

Obama: Blackjack, Dennis.

Clinton: Blackjack (sips martini. Winks at Richardson.)

Kucinich: Well, golly, can I see? Alls I wanna do is watch, guys.

Clinton: Fine. He can play.

Edwards, Obama, Dodd: Whaaaaat?

Clinton: Let him in. I want to see what he can do.

Richardson: But, senator... you couldn't possibly even consider him for a...

Clinton: Did you look me directly in the eye, Bill?!

Richardson: No, ma'am.

to be continued...

Notarize This

Well, tomorrow I am off to learn how to be a notary public. This has been on my desk for weeks:

Why do I feel like I bought this course over the phone after watching an infomercial at four in the morning? At least it ends at 2. If anyone wants to start drinking with me in midtown at 2:03, let me know.

Jennifer Hud-SON

This is real. She isn't lip-syncing. The only thing more amazing than the performance are the subtitles.

Oh Boy

I just found out that the notary class I am being forced to take tomorrow has a free continental breakfast at 7:30 AM. I cannot wait.

Who's That Girl

So I was at one of my favorite neighborhood restaurants last night when I saw Mary Stuart Masterson with her friends at the next table. You know her- she's one of those actresses you're like, "Oh, who is she again?" She was in a lot of movies, including the hilarious teen flick, Fried Green Tomatoes. Here she is in Benny and Joon with that guy from 21 Jump Street:

Anyway, this is the second Mary Stuart Masterson sighting in the neighborhood as she was also eating at a place where I was a few weeks ago. So either she moved to Brooklyn or she's following me.

Rats

This is what happens when you get too much shampoo in your eyeballs.

Cute!

a. It's a Labbeagle

b. Its name is Molson

c. Looks like my toe is broken. That has nothing to do with anything.

No Way

Get out of Dodge.

Because the world is not f@#ked up enough, some asshole decided to create "The World", a plot of man-made islands that are in the map of the earth and for sale. Great. Now Sherri Shepherd will really believe the earth is flat.

And Now, A Message

I'm so glad he cleared everything up.

Can You Hear Me Now?

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! So I paid my phone bill online yesterday and I got an email saying that they were having computer errors so the payment wouldn't go through, so then I just paid by phone (I just forgot to pay the previous bill and wanted to get it all done so I'd have no service interruptions because I am so popular), and then I get this text message from my phone company that in effect said, "Whoops- we overcharged you! We'll return the money in the next 3 business days" so I go online to my bank and I was charged THREE TIMES! No, it's okay, because I am made of money, but it's just so darned wacky!

I feel like the phone company is doing this to me, except it's more violent and less cute:

Project Runway

Oh, tomorrow, people. Tomorrow is the season premiere of Project Runway, the best show ever.

The Daily News wrote an article about why it is the best reality show. Some of the reasons are:

- Tim Gunn is that charming.

- There is no dating involved in the show and no one gets a rose.

- It's just so incredibly gay.

Who Loves Quizzes!

Here you go:

Are you a Lindsay, Britney or a Paris?

This only took me two hours to make because I was rudely interrupted by "work".

Multi-Tasking

In the last hour I:

- designed eight invitations
- installed a B-Unit
- deposited $300,000
- set up a catering job
- ordered lunch
- printed said invites
- fixed a color printer

All this while surfing the 'net, staring into space, blogging and all around general lollygagging.

Oh, and while I write this, I am dealing with one of my boss's stalkers on the phone. He wants to meet her when he visits New York. Is it weird that he's a priest from Boston?

But I Like Shuffleboard

You see, this is why I don't go on cruises. Another virus has infected a hapless group of vacation-goers. This time, it's called the "norovirus" and according to Janice Okubo, spokeswoman for the Hawaii Department of Health, it, "is one of the common viruses we've been seeing on cruise lines. Most of the time, people recover."

Most of the time. I'm sorry, but first of all, no cruise ship is registered in the U.S. That's because a. they can and b. they don't have to pay their workers minimum wage. Also when someone disappears or gets murdered by a crew member, it's not within the U.S. jurisdiction so most cases go unsolved. You are literally throwing your identity away when you board a cruise ship. And more often than not you will also be throwing up.

They made it look so fun:

But Will It Rain?

So... yeah.

Boredom

I have nothing to do but I still feel interrupted when the phone rings.

Oh, Tyra

If you haven't seen this yet, you need to.

Award Time

Today's Tool Of The Week Award goes to Danish "Environmentalist" Bjørn Lomborg. First of all, his name has a slashed "O", but I'm not one to make fun of culture.

So this butter cookie making, seafaring, frikadeller eating, Muhammad-cartooning, Lars Von Trier loving NorDick wrote this book, called "Cool It", about how global warming, while kinda bad, is also kinda good. Some of his examples include:

- In Europe 200,000 people die from excess heat each year while 1.5 million die from cold so, more warming, less death.

- He believes that with glacial melting, rivers actually increase their water contents, especially in the summer, providing more water to many of the poorest people in the world. He then says, "Would we rather have more water available or less?"

- According to him, one polar bear a year may die, but more die a year from being shot.

That, and the fact that he looks like this (see below), earns Bjørn "Copenfaggin" Lomborg the Tool Of The Week Award.

My Right Foot

So yesterday I took my dog to the park for a little ball chasing. For some reason I decided to put on my pink ballet flats that morning, maybe because they take the least effort to slip on. So I'm kicking the ball, and my dog goes after it, and we're doing this for a while. Now the one thing to know about my dog park is that it is a piece of crap. That is to say the ground is all concrete and there are places where the concrete is broken and raised. And I guess I wasn't paying attention because I didn't notice that there was a patch of said concrete right where I was to kick the ball. So I pull my foot back, the foot that is protected by nothing but pink canvas, and with all of my might, kick. Right into the wall of a dip of concrete.

Uh, ouch. Long story short, I hobble home and all day I'm thinking I just stubbed my toe. A few hours, massive swelling and unbearable pain later, it's pretty clear that it's probably fractured or broken. The thing is, you can't really do anything for a broken toe than just let it be. Ah, darn. Nothing that a bit of advil, ice cream and TV can't fix.

Seasonal

New poll:

Squeaky

This is ridiculous:

Give It A Second

This is a French ad for Manix lubricating gel. The ad agency wanted something tasteful and subtle. But it's causing quite a stir in Europe. Look closely and you'll see why.

Crafty

So last night on my way home, I picked up some sauce, ricotta and a pan. Cuz I was going to make some motherfucking baked ziti. I seem to have endless boxes of ziti at home because every time I'm at the store I'm all, "Yo, I better stock up on some more ziti, right?" I freaking love the stuff.

So I take my ricotta and sauce and pan home only to find that somewhere over the course of the last few months, I managed to deplete my pasta supply. Who does that? In fact all that was there was like, 7 strips of lasagna in a box.

So what did I do? I cut the aluminum pan down and fashioned it into a tiny lasagna pan, then I halved the lasagna noodles, and made myself a little personal lasagna for one. It was both delicious and awesome.

Let's Pray

This makes me glad I don't live in the south.

Pain

I think I have a pinched nerve in my back. I think it's from holding onto a 65 lb. dog with his head out the window while whizzing over the Brooklyn Bridge yesterday.

Sorry, JQ

I just heard this joke: What do you call 25 guys watching the World Series in a bar?

The Yankees.

Ready For My Pup's Close-Up

Man. I'll tell ya, this business is tough.

Yesterday I got my dog all gussied up and ready for his stint on 30 Rock. We took a nice car ride to this crazy old army hospital converted into these beautiful condos and spent the majority of the afternoon/evening cooling out paws in this 6 million dollar, for-sale, colossally empty apartment otherwise known to actors as "holding". Luckily it wasn't a huge shoot so there were only a few other actors there who weren't totally crazy and he made a lot of friends. Especially the kind of friends that gave him cheese, pepperoni and cereal bars from craft services. Those are his favorites. I mean, I'm pretty sure "sit" "paw" and "speak" aren't any new and amazing tricks but these people couldn't get enough of my dog's broad vocabulary.

So after a trip to wardrobe and hair where I found out that there was too much hair on my wardrobe (they didn't like the fur lining on my coat), I was fashioned in a smart ensemble. My dog was allowed to keep his fur coat.

And after a few more hours, as it got later and later and my dog and I settled in for a nap, we found out that Tina Fey was tired so OUR SCENE GOT CUT! Oh, the trials of show business. Personally, I don't care, but if my dog was upset he didn't show it. Let's just say we both slept well and at least my dog got to meet a bunch of fun people.

This morning as I left for work, my dog was extra sad. It reminded me of this old Jon Stewart bit where he talks about bringing his cat to the vet and his cat was particularly disturbed by the thermometer up his butt. He says that because it was his cat's only experience in the outside world, whenever he leaves the house after that his cat looks at him like, "You like that?" My dog looked at me like, "I know where you're going. To the land of pepperoni and cheese and attention. Please take me with you."

I give him a day before he forgets all about it. Sadly, there will be no on-screen proof.

A Star Is Born

Oh my god.

My dog is filming 30 Rock tomorrow.

Someone's Been Reading Perez

Yes, a "Fire Trim" is manscaping with a lighter.

In other news, there are two people in the office who cannot remember to press 8 before faxing. They ask me every day. "It's 8, right?"

I put a huge patronizing sign up next to the machine but I still don't think that will work.

Take A Guess

Hey guys, I learned a new term today. What do you think it means?

Exchange

Me: "So, I'm scheduled to take the Notary class next Friday."

Bosslady: "Oh, that'll be fun."

Me: "Uh, yeah."

BL: "It'll be like The Breakfast Club."

And then I said to her...

Me: "I make $31,000 a year and I have a home and I'm not about to throw it all away on some punk like you. But someday when you're outta here and you've forgotten all about this place and they've forgotten all about you, and you're wrapped up in your own pathetic life, I'm gonna be there. That's right. And I'm gonna kick the living shit out of you. I'm gonna knock your dick in the dirt."

Note To Recent Transplants

Hey guys, listen, I know you are new to the New York, but here's a tip- after it's been raining all night do not walk on the car side of the street. You will get splashed; it's not just something that happens in Wisk commercials. Granted, it amuses us old-timers to no end, but this morning I actually felt a little bad for this well dressed couple that got doused on Madison Ave. That's why I don't walk near the street or dress well.

Words of wisdom to live by.

Girl Drink Drunk

I was reminded of an awesome sketch this weekend from our friends, Kids in the Hall.

From Crackle: Kids In The Hall - Girl Drink Drunk

Inventions

If there ever was an invention that needed to happen this would be it. Finally.

Strike Out

I am a member of some unions, and I think striking is a good idea, as the WGA is doing today. But when you strike, don't you just not do the work and that's how the companies suffer? Why the outside mandatory marching? It's not like the TV shows can hire scab writers for major primetime shows. Can you imagine that? If that were the case, 24 might not suck this year.

Case Of The Mondays

What a weekend!

I took my dog to the park for the first time since the attack where he tore his ear, and he didn't want to go in (he was off the leash by that point so he turned around and tried to sheepishly mosey home), and I forced him in, and within one minute another dog jumped him and bit him on the same ear. Ugh. At this point he deserves it.

Also, my friend had a 103 fever and I almost went with her to the emergency room last night but thankfully she decided against it because she didn't want to contract a staff infection (misspelled on purpose for reasons known to her).

Now it's Monday and I'm kind of glad.

I'm Thinking Of A Number

Psychic moment of the day yesterday:

Me: "Hey [Co-Worker], I don't know if it's your birthday or anything, but we just got two cases of that Vitamin Water I know you love."

Turns out it was his birthday.

Doobie

I don't think she should smoke pot.

Story Time

Gather 'round kids, and listen to a story about menstruation in the days of yore.

You see, a long time ago, in the nineteen seventies, there was no such thing as "adhesive" so women had to attach their huge maxi pad to this crazy belt.

Wait a minute, they could put a man on the moon in the sixties and yet women still had to wear a primitive version of diapers? Then again, they can put a man on the moon and astronauts still have to wear diapers so...

That's Nutz!

Uh oh, the Post reported another streaker in Times Square yesterday. Can you spot the awesome in this picture?

Scheduling

I'll be leaving work a tad early today because a. I've been feeling a bit sick and b. I have to be somewhere at 7:00 tonight and I want to have time to get ready/walk the dog/take a nap. Okay, and I want to play a little well deserved hookey.

So just now the High Energy Lady says to me, "Okay, just so you know, on Wednesday, November 21st I will be leaving the office at 2:30 because I have a flight."

To which I responded, "Yeah, and just so you know, I'm leaving a little early today because I feel like it 'don't feel well'."

Words

Bosslady: I have got to stop cursing in front of my kids.

Me: Yeah, I dropped the F-Bomb when I was babysitting them.

BL: Whatever.

Magician Fight!

This is crazy.

I'm Kind Of A Big Deal

So earlier today, on my way to hang out with Davey Jones at the Peninsula Hotel, I ran into Dr. Phil in the lobby.

What's In A Beard

A co-worker of mine recently commented on his new beard. He asked me what I thought. I told him about my theory- when a man hits around early thirty, he generally grows a beard, at least for a little while. Sometimes it lasts, sometimes not. Sometimes he doesn't grow one at all and that is fine in my book. He says it's because he just broke up with his long-term/long-distance girlfriend and the beard symbolizes his freedom. I guess that makes sense because many women do the same with leg hair.

Anyway, an homage to facial hair (thanks, M!).

The Future Of America

This 6 year old kid, I'll call him Captain Obvious, was walking to school this morning with his mom while I am walking my dog. He points and yells, "That dog is wearing fur!"

Really? Next, he's going to tell me what snozzberries taste like.