Oh-Bama

So last night Obama took the airwaves for half an hour to address the American people. It was pretty awesome except at the end where he offered to throw in the free salad chopper if I called within the first 20 minutes. That aside, I actually got a bit misty at the end. He really is an inspirational figure.

For those of you that don't know, there were actually several different versions of this address. We here at TempyCo© have found the original script from one of those:

"Why, hello America, fancy meeting you here. What a pleasant surprise. You see, I wasn't expecting your visit.

America, we have got to... oh, please, come closer. Step into the light where I can see you. Ah, yes. You look good. Dare I say? Full of hope? Ha ha! Oh America. What you and I could do together.

You smell nice. I smell nice too, see? It's Eau D'Change. No, it's not French, it's American, baby. Home spun from Eaud, Iowa. Made by a farmer, just like you.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahmerica. You look scared. I understand. This economy is a huge problem. And it's just been so long and hard. Very very long and very very hard.

What's that? Why yes, I am stroking myself. I am stroking myself with the big hand of freedom. Does that frighten you? Imagine how the terrorists must feel. Ah, now you're with me.

Hey, I have a question for you, baby. How do you feel about taxes? Guess what? Gone. Just for you, my pet. And the 95% of Americans that make less than $150,000 a year. You know what? Screw that, let's make it $200,000. Yeah, I make magic with numbers. Poof. That's what a big dose of change with a shot of hope shaken with honesty and served straight up with a twist of prosperity tastes like. Mmmmmmmm delicious."