Where There's Smoke

*ring ring*

ALLSTATE INSURANCE COMPANY: Hello, thank you for calling Allstate. Thanks for holding, my name is Samantha.

TOM SAMSON: Hi Samantha.

AIC: What is the reason for your call?

TS: Hi, my name is Tom Samson and we have homeowners insurance with you and I have a question.

AIC: Great. What's your question?

TS: Well, there's a fire in our house right now and before we call the fire department I just want to make sure we are covered.

AIC: Yeah... a lot of it depends on the cause of the fire. Do you know what caused it?

TS: Not yet.

AIC: Did you have oily rags and newspapers in your basement?

TS: Maybe.

AIC: Hmmm...

TS: Well, listen, I should probably call the fire department so I guess I need a referral.

AIC: I'd love to give you the referral, I just have a few more questions for you.

SUSIE (from other room): Daddy! Daddy, help!

TS: Susie, just go out the other window.

SUSIE: But I'm scared!

AIC: I can hold.

TS: Thanks.

(scuffle, screams)

TS: Sorry about that. Kids- it's like, just jump already! You know like a momma bird and the nest. They just gotta learn how to fly and all they need is a nudge.

AIC: Too true.

TS: Where were we?

AIC: Oh, yes, before I fax a referral to the fire department, I'll just need to ask a few more questions.

TS: Of course.

AIC: When did you first notice the fire?

TS: Hmmm.... you mean like when I first smelled smoke?

AIC: Exactly.

TS: Maybe like, a few minutes ago?

AIC: OK, I just want to be sure that the fire hasn't been smoldering since, before you got the insurance. You know, cuz then we couldn't...

TS: Of course! No, no. Just a few minutes. Ouch! Ah, do you think we can hurry this up?

AIC: It's okay. Looks like you'll be covered. Let me get that referral to your fire department in Newark.

TS: Newark, NJ? Oh, wow that's far. We're in Queens.

AIC: I know, but it's the closest one we cover.

TS: Well, alright.

AIC: Please hold while I fax that referral over.

*hold music*

Private eyes *clap*

Are watching you *clap clap*

They see your every move

Yeah

Private Eyes *clap*

Are watching you *clap clap*

Private eeeeyyyes

Are watching you watching you watching you

TS: I love this fucking song (clap clap)

AIC: OK all set!

TS: Great.

AIC: Let me give you a confirmation number... it's 343SWX

TS: Thanks! I'll call them now. Then I guess I better get out of the house! I'm getting a bit dizzy.

AIC: You got it! Remember to stay on the ground while you crawl out.

TS: Oh, right! Thanks a bunch.