Busted

Oh man, I hate it when people write craigslist postings about me:

To the filthy bathroom couple Friday night. - 35

Meow

It's official. I'm scared.

Stuff on my Mutt

I'm really sick of dog owners who know nothing about dogs. Like the guy on my street who won't let his dog Pepe sniff my dog's butt because, "It's a boy, Pepe! No! It's a boy dog!"

This morning I ran into a really sweet terrier and its asininely stupid owner. She got all concerned as my dog lumbered up to the puppy who was totally excited to meet him. They exchanged pleasantries and the woman looks up at me and said, "It's a girl dog, yes?" And I was like, "No," and so she tightened the hold on her dog's leash, got really nervous and pulled it away. Hey lady: fuck you. That's the kind of behavior that will make your dog yap at everyone. Dogs respond to the energy around them and I'm convinced breed and sex have fairly little to do with a dog's temperament as a dog is really just an extension of its owner. Take my dog for example. I'm a pretty laid back person. Something has to be a serious emergency before I get all crazy and even then I think clearly. My dog, as a result, is pretty chill. He, like me, also likes TV. Coincidence? I don't think so.

Speaking of my dog, we played our favorite game this weekend- Sorting Laundry on Jesse or as he calls it, "I Ain't Moving Off This Bed". It's a fun game for everyone.

It's Like A Motel

Bosslady: I know it's last minute but I need a hotel room in San Antonio for the Final Four game. You should start with low-end hotels because everything is probably sold out.

Me: Roger that.

(ten minutes later)

Me: Well, I hope you like Super 8.

BL: Sounds great. What's a Super 8?

Oh, boy...

Bam-Boo

Why, every meal tastes better with a Panda Skillet.

Somebody's Cranky

You're goddamn right I just told the head producer at a major network to chill the f@#k out. Not my fault our camera's not working in the office and they need my boss to get to the studio in record time but she's on an important call.

A Ride

This just happened just now in the elevator.

Random Guy In Suit: Wow. Those headphones look really good.

Me: Thanks.

Awkward silence all the way to the 17th floor

Heavy Metal

Uh oh.

"Traveler says she was forced to remove nipple ring"

There go my travel plans. The only upside is that Gloria Allred will defend you if this happens. The only time I've removed the hardware was for an MRI because by definition you are being immersed in a giant magnet. Seriously TSA, I think you just want to see some T&A.

ASPCHey

As most of you know, thanks to that bitch Sarah McLachlan and her ne'er do well parade of abused animals on the TV, I have joined the ASPCA. I have received neither the shirt nor the "photo" of the "animal" I "adopted". But what I do receive is hella emails with the strangest subject lines. Like this gem for example:

"Bronx Man Arrested for Animal Cruelty/Enter to Win ASPCA Day Kit"

Because there's nothing that beats the dogfight blues than a day at the spa. Here's what I got today:

"500+ Cats Removed in Raid/Photo Contest Winners"

Can you imagine how the winners feel? "Hey, look, I won! This is the best day ever! It so beats being a cat today."

Behind The Scenes

Night. A phone rings.

CLINTON: Hello?

OBAMA: Hey, Hil.

CLINTON: Jesus Bar, it’s 3 am! Oh… oh, I get it. Very funny.

OBAMA: Ha ha!

CLINTON: Yeah, Bar, it was funny the first three times.

OBAMA: Damn, for me it’ll never get old. Ha! Whoo. So… what are you wearing?

CLINTON: Oh, you know, boxers and a… hey, waaait a minute!

OBAMA: (laughing) Gets you every time.

CLINTON: Bar, what do you want?

OBAMA: You know what I want.

CLINTON: Oh, Bar, don’t. Bill is sound asleep next door.

OBAMA: So I can’t have any of your Vanilla Milkshake?

CLINTON: Bar!

OBAMA: I drink your milkshake.

CLINTON: Goodnight, Bar.

OBAMA: I drink it up.

CLINTON: Goodnight!

Excitement

Hey, Lynne, have you received your Random Re-Gift Gift Award yet?

Tasty

I feel that this is somehow pornographic. For who, I don't know.

At Least I Was Warm

I woke up last night with my dog on my head.

Let me say that again.

I WOKE UP LAST NIGHT WITH MY DOG ON MY HEAD.

Now, it was strange because he never does that. It clearly is not a comfortable position for either of us. And I don't know what was going through his pea-sized brain when he got up from his dog bed and actively crawled into a U-Bend to envelop the top half of my head. It was so bizarre waking up in a cocoon of fur and dander. Way stranger, I might add, than the concept of the movie Cocoon, the "feel good" flick about old people having sex.

That movie was whack.

I have a new favorite store. How cute are these dresses?




But first I need to find out where to buy this.

Fame On My Side

My boss is going with me to the bank today because they changed all these rules and now I have to go through hoops to take out money for her. It's kind of like when your mom goes to school with you after you've been bullied. What she's not ready for, however, is that all the employees at the bank are huge fans of her show and watch her on TV all the time and are gonna freak out when she walks in. I can't wait.

It's A Tough Job But

Oh hey, I got cast in that show where I will be "forced" to sing karaoke. My character is a drunken hag. Oh, but about the show...

From The Runway

My knowledge of fashion pretty much extends to what Project Runway tells me to like. But I can't shake this strange feeling that the following fashions are a bit... odd. Check these out and then guess which names at the bottom are assigned to each photo.

1.


2.


3.


Okay, match the name to the photo:

a. Le Lazy Pastie
b. Cindy Lou Who Is A Man, Baby
c. Fishing for Nessie

Where There's Smoke

Many years ago there was a very scary and serious fire at my camp when the cabin next door burned down. Ever since then, I am very sensitive to the "Bad Smell" of a fire, as opposed to the good smell of a fire like a wood burning stove or a bra.

So last night I woke up at 5:30 in the morning when I smelled the Bad Smell. My smoke detector hadn't gone off but I knew there must be a fire in the building or next door. So I got up, dressed and evacuated only to find, while I was the only one standing outside, that there was indeed a large fire about 5 blocks away. It was so thick I actually smelled it even though my window was closed. I kind of felt like an idiot but better safe than sorry.

And that's why they call me "The Nose". No, I'm just joking, no one calls me that.

Random Gift Award

Ladies and gentlemen, the first ever Re-Gift Contest Winner is... LYNNE! She thought a fun new SuperPoke Facebook option should be: "Galvanize (push the button)". Congratulations and thank you for all who entered. The next time I receive anything strange in the mail or otherwise I will have another contest so don't worry- there are many chances to win.

Lynne, I have your address so you should be receiving this surprise gift in the mail shortly.

Prayers Answered

You know what I was just thinking? I was thinking about how cool it would be to find a website that specialized in erotic photography with, oh, I dunno, let's say falcons. Oh wait! Look no further. Ladies and gentlemen, EroticFalconry.com.

Thanks, TR.

It's Not Butternut

I just ordered Butternun Squash Soup. I wonder what I will get.

I Don't Really Understand

Can somebody please explain this casting notice to me?

"Mary Lead Female / 20 to 35 / All Ethnicities Smart, great sense of humor, beautiful, chocolate girl.

Brigitte Lead Female / 20 to 35 / All Ethnicities Spa owner, cynical colonic provider, beautiful.

Jacqueline Lead Female / 20 to 35 / All Ethnicities Intelligent, funny, beautiful, enjoys alimony."

Again With The Illness

My dog broke again yesterday after we got a visit from the Arthritis Fairy. Let's just say that he can't really "walk" all that "well" and I had to set up a special blankie on the floor so he could lay at my feet as the couch was too much of a challenge.

This post is not at all funny. So to make up for it, I present you with video of cats doing crazy things. Minute 1:03 is priceless.

First Steps

Okay, this is ridiculous.

NetBlock

I finally joined NetFlix and now I have absolutely no idea what movies I want to rent.

Nice Tune But Can You Dance To It?

God bless us. Each and every one.

New Contest

Okay you guys, I got the craziest thing in the mail this weekend and it's so good I have to share it. But seeing as how I only have one, I figured out a way to decide who will be the lucky person to receive this mystery gift in the mail.

As you know, Facebook is weird. On it, you can do certain "acts" to people like bite, chest bump, dropkick, headbutt, high five, hug, kiss, lick, pet, pinch, slap, spank, sucker punch, tickle, trip, worship, throw a sheep at them to name a few. Your mission, if you choose to accept, is to come up with a new Facebook "action" and post it in the comments section. Mind you I already claim "teabag". The winner will receive my lovely re-gift. You have until tomorrow so even you night bloggers (Jay) have a shot. You can enter as often as you like. Enjoy.

Downward Dog

This is Conan, the praying Chihuahua. He meditates with his master and imitates everything he does. Coincidentally my dog this weekend ate a bunch of crap, watched bad reality TV, re-assessed his life and goals and stayed up too late last night.

TGIT

Is today over yet? No?

Drive Me Crazy

When "Lost Dog" isn't effective enough.

Hope They Find Him

I wonder what the reward is?

Walk on This

I give up.

Woman Goes for Leg Operation, Gets New Anus Instead

My Peeps

This is either a silly homage to Easter, or a recap of any episode of Rock of Love. You decide.

Lien on Me

OMG you guys I just totally refused to notarize something!The people in the other office wanted me to notarize a few signatures of people I knew in their office and then there was this thing from the Cayman Islands. I turned to the guy and was like, "I don't know if you know what notaries do," and he's all, "Actually I don't," so I inform him that my only real job is to verify signatures. He's like, okay. And I'm all, "Soooooo how can I verify this guy if he lives in the Cayman Islands?" Very clever, Tempy. He understood but I was like, seriously? That's like asking a notary beneficially interested in the conveyance by way of being secured to take an acknowledgment of an instrument! Ha ha! Some notary humor for you there. Now excuse me while I go geek out with my new notary friends.

Make a Wish

Somebody's lonely. Hint- it's not the hedgehog.

Whew

Everybody stay calm and DO NOT panic.

I know there's a recession and the whole sub-prime mortgage fiasco and our president is touched by the Slow Fairy, but there is no reason to fly off the handle. After all, crisis #1 was just averted.

My boss is on vacation skiing and her 6 year old son forgot his book club book, Busybody Nora. But don't worry- I went to the apartment and it will be Fed-Exed overnight.

Thank god.

I did offer to skim the "book" and just tell her son the plotline, but she thought it would be a good distraction for him on the plane. While I was waiting for her to call me when I was at her house I did tackle the first few chapters and let me tell you, that Nora is a nosy bitch.

Sign Me Up

I wish I could make up this casting notice:

William: male, late 20s-early 30s, any ethnicity, young man with an edge, dealing with the tragedy of a suicide jumper landing at his feet. EMT: female, late 20s-early 30s, tough, hardened Manhattan EMT, softened when she comes across a man who has a suicide jumper land at his feet.

Lucky

Here's why I love everything right now. Girls Gone Wild creator and exec Joe Francis has been in jail almost a year and just got out two weeks ago. Immediately he tries to get that Spitzer hooker in a million dollar, non-nude photo shoot and interview when he had a bright idea. "Check the archives," he commanded to his staff. Guess what. That girl had already gone wild four years ago when she was 18 and spent a week on the GGW bus making sex tapes. Francis said it was like finding a winning lottery ticket in your couch, which is true because it is worth millions of dollars, but by "couch" he means "extensive archives of Wild Girls".

Naps and Balls

Okay, this is the cutest thing.


And this is the weirdest thing.

Soundtrack To Your Life

I got one of those games on MySpace where you figure out the "Soundtrack To Your Life" by playing shuffle on your iTunes- whatever pops up is your soundtrack to a specific event.

I will do this for real when I get home, but currently my iTunes at work consists only things I have downloaded from email attachments or my commercials for my voiceover demo. Seriously, there's only like, 10 things on it. Didn't stop me though.

Opening Credits:
Westin Hotels Commercial

Waking Up:
Shaft Gordon

First Day At School:
Shafterpol

Falling In Love:
Shaftira

Fight Song:
You Oughta Know (Alanis Morisette karaoke)

Breaking Up:
Quinn Shaft

Prom:
Hello Image

Life:
Metashaft

Making babies:
Shaft Gordon

Mental Breakdown:
My Shaft is Extremely Preponderant

Driving:
Shafterpol

Flashback:
Metashaft

Getting back together:
Shaft: The Musical

Wedding:
Aloft Hotels Commercial

Birth of Child:
Shaft Gordon

Final Battle:
Shafterpol

Death Scene:
You Oughta Know (Alanis Morisette karaoke)

Funeral Song:
Metashaft

End Credits:
My Shaft is Extremely Preponderant

Give Me A Challenge

I just went to an audition where I "had" to sing a karaoke song. They didn't know who they were dealing with.

Fun

I thought of a new video game. It's called "Walking My Dog in the Morning". It works like this- you have a dog like, say, a beagle-basset hound mix that has a really keen sense of smell. Your job is to walk said hungry dog around the block while keeping him from eating as much crap on the ground as possible. Mind you, this isn't like Buck Hunter where you can and can't shoot certain things. Any thing on the ground is off limits. It doesn't even have to be food per-se, it could be food soaked paper towels, wrappers or cardboard. This "imaginary" dog will go after anything, so watch out.

I was playing the live version of the game this morning when I'm pretty sure I hit level 5- walking the dog successfully in a straight line between two evenly spaced and highly desirable items withing one foot on either side of us. To the right was a greasy paper plate with pizza cheese still on it, to the left, a dead pigeon. Luckily we made it through with no incident, (my dog was so excited he didn't know which one to go after and by that time he decided we were long around the block), but the mere thought that my dog was hell bent on getting either of those two nasty items pretty much grossed me out.

Luckily it's just a game.

Smooth Walrus

Okay.

OK You Guys

You've been asking to see them.

Look at my ferrets!

A Very Special Story

At some point this weekend I ended up watching the entirety of the Amber Frey story on LMN, the Lifetime Movie Network. That is not to be confused with LGGN, the Lifetime Golden Girls Network or LMBBMN Lifetime Meredith Baxter-Birney Movies Network.

Anyway, it was actually really good. Here me out: the plot was predictable and formulaic. It starts with the trial, then the rest of the movie is her telling the story from start to finish in glorified "flashback" mode. But here's the kicker- the actress playing Amber Frey was actually really good. I mean, she took ridiculous dialogue and made it not so bad. And then there was the added subplot of her rocky relationship with the detective assigned to her. This hardened gumshoe didn't trust nobody, and he sure did remind her of that every two seconds. Over the course of the movie, he learns to trust her, and she learns a lot from him. Their friendship was real and true and by the end of the movie when she tells him she's pregnant again and she's nervous about what the public will think, he says, "I think they'll see what a strong woman you are," and she's all, "I think they'll laugh at me. You did," And he goes, "That's before I knew the real you. I think they'll see that." And they did.

The guy who played Scott Peterson was really creepy too.

Pretty Simple

Happy St. Patrick's Day.

That's Dedication

I am dying to know what this says.

Party Foul

So a girl in my office IM's me, "I did something really bad. I told [annoying co-worker] about your birthday party tonight and he was like, 'I wasn't invited'. Sorry!"

So I yell out to annoying co-worker, "Hey, you know about my party right?"

Now, I knew he couldn't come because he lives in Jersey with 4 kids, but he was like, "Oh, wow. Thanks for thinking of me..." and as he continued to bore me with some stories about birthdays and kids, my other co-worker IM's me, "Just kidding! HAHAHAHAHA!!!"

Bitch. Luckily she's coming to my party so I'll find some way to get my revenge.

Screw That

Okay, this is crazy and I can't stop watching it.

Not My Fault

Somehow due to crossed phone lines, I got a message this morning on my work voicemail from a guy at Lehman Brothers who was talking about a really good stock someone should buy. Oops.

Money Changes Everything

So I went to the bank to take out $6,000 for my boss's illicit hooker, and this is the day they changed "policy". I was still allowed to take out this massive amount of cash because clearly "policy" doesn't apply to me.

Oh, Man

Have you heard the story of Hachi-Ko? Many years ago, Hacki-Ko was the beloved pet of this Japanese professor. Every day, Hacki-Ko would drop his master off at the train station, and promptly at 3pm every day he would greet him at the train station. One day, his master died suddenly at the University, but that didn't stop Hacki-ko. For the next nine years, Hachi-ko went to the station every day at 3pm to wait for his master. Now that's loyalty. My dog does the same thing, but from the couch.

A rare photo of Hachi-Ko

Like I Said

Have you ever finished an several tasks only to get a phone call from your crazy boss who left his cellphone in a cab and you have to put off everything to call said cellphone only to find it was found by a really nice nurse, and you run a mile to get to said nurse and she won't accept the $20 but you force it in her hand and it totally made her day? And then you walk back to work and realize that today has been a nurse-themed day?

Busy Day

Have you ever been like, in the middle of writing out a million certified returned receipts when you had to leave to go to an audition for a sad play about nurses in Vietnam and all you are thinking is like, "I really hope this audition for a sad play about nurses in Vietnam is running on schedule and that it'll take less than three minutes," and you get there and they are actually running ahead of schedule? Has that ever happened to you?

Melts in Your Mouth

But let me ask you this- what's the point of making personalized m&m's if you can't use obscenities?

It's a Sign

I am so glad someone finally thought of this.

Now all I have to do is teach my dog to read.

Really Loud

So Eliot Spitzer is about to attend a news conference and there are hella-helicopters outside his home because everyone wants to take pictures. Our office is right down the street and all the noise outside is distracting me from my job.

In The Dark

So I woke up this morning to find that a fuse had blown and I had to trod downstairs in my PJ's to the creepy basement where the super's girlfriend keeps her "art" and by "art" I mean "blocks of tree stumps carved into tree stumps," and paintings of rainbows. So I find the fuse box and flip that sucker on. Next time I have to be down there I'll bring a camera so you can see all the crap she keeps.

And now, a three diamond hooker.

Workplace

Couldn't have said it better myself.

Again

I just don't get these politicians.

Lindy Hop

Speaking of swinging, I love to swing dance. I learned it a long time ago for a show I was in. You gotta watch at least a bit of this clip. Someone once said to me, "You can't swing dance without smiling," and it's true; it is physically impossible to do the Lindy Hop without a goofy grin on your face. Check these guys out.

Swinger

My co-worker finally decided on an island in Hawaii to get married at. It was between the one with the nice beach or the one with the resort and pool that had a Tarzan rope to swing into the pool with. She chose the stupid boring beach. I really wanted the Tarzan rope one. Now I'm seriously questioning whether or not I want to attend this wedding.

New Job

That's it. I wanna be a high class hooker. Well, maybe not like the "5 Diamond" girls who work for that prostitution ring that our Governor frequented. I'm talking maybe more along the lines of a three diamond one. Not that I'm into mediocrity; I just feel that if I had five diamonds, guys would expect the utmost professionalism, which I'm not really ready to give.

For example, I might be late. You never know. A heel could break because I don't really wear high heels. And then I'll show up and my heel will be neither high nor clear enough. I'd be the kind of ho that would be like, "Whoa there, speed racer, I don't need to be picked up in your private jet. I hate flying." Three diamond hookers take the Amtrack Acela, thank you very much.

Practical Ho. That's my motto. Listen, I just don't have time to shave every day, okay? And I have a bit of emotional baggage. I think a five diamond lady should be impeccable both inside and out and that's just not me. I'm working on my issues. So until then, three diamonds it is, take it or leave it.

Oy

Ladies and gentlemen, the Korean Gilbert Gottfried.

I'm With Stupid

No but seriously...

Boredom

Get a group of sexually deprived white men in a room together and you end up with a whole new set of rules. At least that's what happened at the Vatican recently. These Pope-Fuckers got together and claimed that along with the mortal sins and lesser so-called "venial sins" there are also some new ones like, "Thou Shalt Not Pollute the Environment" and "Pedophilia is Really Bad, Guys. Seriously."

Nature

Line of the day- I'm walking my dog this morning and he starts to pee on a tree. This 8 year old kid walks by with his dad.

"Dad. Dad! That dog is peeing on the tree!!! He's PEEING ON THE TREE!"

I thought then would be a good time to explain to the kid how the world works but the dad just said, "Oh, yeah."

Low

For those of you unfamiliar with that song, Low, that the kids are crazy about, here's some two women dancing to it. I like to call it, "What Women Really Do Behind Closed Doors After a Box of Wine and Before the Bi-Curiously Suggestive Pillow Fight".

What To Do

As most of you know, the democratic party is in a tizzy over what to do with the delegates from Michigan and Florida. Both states were penalized from holding early primaries. Obama wasn't even on the Michigan ticket. What should they do?

Bad News, Honey

This is what happens when you let Elmo hang around the beagles too much.

Studious

I agreed to help a 20 year old Ukrainian student from my friend's ESL class audition for acting school. Monologue suggestions?

A Word to the Wise

Take note, 50's housewives. Actually if I were her, I'd not "store test" for fresher coffee on purpose...

Goodbye

Did this really happen the other night?

Balls then Beagles

This is Elmo's next book. Okay this one, I'd read.

Just Like a Commercial

Co Worker #1: I spilled coffee on my desk.

Me: Do you need to borrow my Tide pen?

CW#1: No, it's just on my desk.

Co Worker #2: What's a Tide pen?

CW#1 and Me: What's a Tide pen?

CW#1: Really?

Me: Are you mad?

CW#1: Seriously.

Me: Demonstration in the kitchen. Now.

(I poured a spot of coffee on my light blue top, and proceeded to rub out the stain within a matter of seconds)

CW#2: Holy shit. Where can I buy that?

Me: Any fine drugstore.

CW#1: I don't even know where the stain goes. It just does.

Willpower

You have got to be kidding me. Just for fun, I'm going to try this on my dog. I was tired of having ten fingers anyway.

Finale

It's the Project Runway finale, you guys. All my money's on Christian.

Elm Oh

This is a real book.

Wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwhat?

I've seen a lot of things in my life. Nothing beats the time I witnessed a midget orthodox jew soliciting sex in my bar, but this comes rather close.

So my boss hands me a stack of papers and asks me to organize it for her. In this pile was a letter with a check in it for $11.64. Turns out it was the result of an eBay sale- this guy offered to shave off his mustache to the highest bidder and the money would go to the political candidate of their choice. I guess the guy who bid on it really wants my boss to run for president, so he asked that both the check and the mustache be sent to her.

There is a mustache in a baggie attached to the letter.

Kids Say The Darndest Things

I convinced my boss to take the kids skating because although weather.com was predicting showers all night, it had stopped raining by five. It turned out to be a beautiful night and we had a great time. There were probably only 100 people on the ice and it was awesome. The misty air, the view, the... music. Yes, because it was a school event they had a DJ play whatever the kids listen to these days which is apparently songs about alcohol and sex. So I was skating with my boss's six year old and her best friend when this new song called "Low" came on. Have you heard this song? It's by Flo Rida and it's a really good tune but the lyrics are pretty raunch. So I turn to her friend who proudly claims she had the song on her iPod and I asked, "What is this song about?" She was genuinely puzzled. "I don't know."

Here's the lyrics.

"Shawty had them Apple Bottom Jeans
Boots with the fur
The whole club was lookin at her
She hit the flo
Next thing you know
Shawty got low low low low low low low low

Them baggy sweat pants
And the Reeboks with the straps
She turned around and gave that big booty a smack
She hit the flo
Next thing you know
Shawty got low low low low low low low low

I ain't never seen nuthin that'll make me go,
This crazy all night spendin my dough
Had a million dollar vibe and a bottle to go
Dem birthday cakes, they stole the show
So sexual, she was flexible
Professional, drinkin X and ooo
Hold up wait a minute, do I see what I think I
Whoa
Did I think I seen shorty get low
Ain't the same when it's up that close
Make it rain, I'm makin it snow
Work the pole, I got the bank roll
Imma say that I prefer them no clothes
I'm into that, I love women exposed
She threw it back at me, I gave her more
Cash ain't a problem, I know where it goes

Hey
Shawty what I gotta do to get you home
My jeans full of gwap
And they ready for Shones
Cadillacs Maybachs for the sexy grown
Patron on the rocks that'll make you moan"

Sk8ting

The boss's kids aren't going skating because of the rain. So I have 5 tickets to tonights event at Wollman Rink- 3 women and two men's names are at the door. They're yours if you want it.

Animals

Since I joined the ASPCA they're asking me to do a few things like pledge to help end animal cruelty. After I pledged, they gave me this badge to post on my blog:



I wasn't sure how "taking a pledge" is going to help all the animals out there, I mean it's not like I'm abusing them, but the I found out that for every person that takes the pledge Sarah McLachlan will personally break up a cock or dog fight.

It's Not TV. It's Really F@#ked Up TV.

Okay everyone, settle down. I know you are all excited for the FOX drama "New Amsterdam". I know you all had to wait because test audiences hated it. I can't see why- I mean, the plot is pretty simple. So there's a guy who was a Dutch soldier in the 1700's and he saved the life of this Native American woman so she granted him eternal life. While she had the power of time and space and didn't use it to save her people from getting wiped out by the white man I'll never know, but anyway, this guy is immortal.

So wait, it gets better. He lives in New York circa 2008 and is an NYPD homicide detective. The only way he can turn turn mortal again is if he finds true love. Oh, and he's a recovering alcoholic. So many reasons to watch!

Rain Skating

I'm supposed to go ice-skating tonight because my boss bought me and her kids tickets to a private skate night at Wollman Rink. It said rain or shine (even if it's at night), and so far it looks like it's going to pour so I think everyone's gonna cancel. Not me. I'll go even if it's pouring and it's just me and five other freaks.

To the Wire

Clinton: Brilliant.

Obama: No, you're brilliant.

Clinton: No, you are.

Obama: No, you are!

Clinton and Obama (together): No! You are! Jinx! (they laugh)

Obama: To think this will soon be over.

Clinton: Just a few more hours.

Obama: And thanks to our clever plan, I will have cinched the nomination.

Clinton: That's right. By the end of today I will have... wait, what did you say?

Obama: That I will have cinched the nomination. You know, like in our plan. Our plan to have me slowly get all of the delegates. We talked about this, Hil, remember?

Clinton: No, I do NOT! I specifically remember you saying you'd let me win last minute!!!

Obama: Oh, I was joking! Wait... you thought I was serious?

Clinton: Oh, no.

Obama: (whistles) What a pickle. I can see now why you thought...

Clinton: Oh, no... It's... my fault. I think I just, uh... so now what?

Obama: Um...

Clinton: Well, this is awkward.

Obama: I mean, I guess when you said that thing about 'Change [I] could xerox,' you were actually serious? I thought you were throwing it for me.

Clinton: Um, no. I meant it.

Obama: It was kinda dumb.

Clinton: Yes, I know.

Obama: I mean, kids these days don't even know what a Xerox machine is.

Clinton: I know, Bar.

Obama: If you had even said, 'His Facebook wall is full of Superpokes' the kids still would have thought it was lame.

Clinton: Yup.

Obama: Or like, 'I say CNN, he says TMZ'.

Clinton: Sure.

Obama: 'He's the Macy's spam in your MySpace comment,'

Clinton: Shut up, Bar.

Obama: Okay.

How About Them Mets?

Whoa boy.

Bir...

Any time now with the cake, guys.

Birthday? Anyone?

No... no cake yet.

BirthdayRiffic

If my spider senses are correct, my co-workers are planning something for my birthday. Since there's two of us who had birthdays this weekend and I notoriously do something big and embarrassing for my co-workers, I think they'll do something. Everyone is acting a bit strange and a woman in my office just made fresh coffee. Which means there is cake.

Or I could just be totally wrong because my co-workers always act weird.

It's Tempy, Bitch

Hey guys, been a little while. I had a rad weekend though- I took off work Friday and turned 32 on Sunday. Shut up! Yes, it's true. I am officially in Meg Ryan's movie characters territory. Like, 31 is too young to be that girl in the RomCom but 32 is old enough to make snarky comments about being a "woman in this day and age". You know, balancing career and kids and all that crap. Now I have neither a career nor children but you get the idea.