Better Than Tila?

Who watched the democratic debates last night? Obama tried to be tough, Biden was hilarious as always and Clinton's mouth looked like that on a ventriloquist's dummy.

In case you missed it, here's a quick recap:

Tim Russert (to Clinton): Let's start with you since you are the clear winner. Blah blah blah, Iran?

Clinton: Iran is a terrorist state and I give Bush whatever he wants but I am against war and Iraq was dumb.

Brian Williams: Does my head look lopsided to you?

Obama: I'm glad you asked that because it's time to talk tough. My campaign is about tough talking and Hillary Clinton rushed to war in Iraq.

Russert: Care to rebut that statement and take up some more well deserved air-time?

Clinton: Yes, thank you Tim. Let's be clear, my campaign is about children and jobs. In the face of terror, Iran will be watched closely, but I am adamant in my demands to tell George Bush that I strongly disagree with what I voted for when we talk about Iraq.

Obama: I am tough.

Williams: (To Kucinich) Is it because I am actually always tilting my head to the left or is it just the way I came out of the womb?

Kucinich: Okay, finally you ask me something. When I'm president, I will make all wars illegal, give healthcare to the entire country and assign mandatory unicorns to fly out of everyone's assholes and over cotton candy rainbows.

Russert: Clinton, a rebuttal?

Clinton: Yes, thanks again Tim. You look nice tonight.

Russert: So do you.

Clinton: That is all.

Obama: Now, look. We need to be honest with America. And I'm the guy to tough talk you through it.

Richardson: Saber rattling! Saber rattling!

Williams: It's a birth defect, you know.

Russert: Let's switch this conversation to Social Security.

Dodd: Oh, good. Boring topics are my strong point.

Obama: Hillary's a liar.

Biden: Everyone, shut up. Let's talk about Giuliani. Every word out of this mouth is a verb, a noun and 9/11 (true quote from last night). Let's talk about the real enemies.

Richardson: You're right. I will now go on for five minutes about how great Hillary is because I am hoping to be chosen as vice president.

Clinton: Gracias.

Russert: We'll be right back.

Williams: Luckily, it's my good side.

Happy Halloweenie

I'm such an idiot. I'm walking around the city going, "Why is that girl dressed up as a Twister board? Why is that small Spiderman crying on the train platform? Why is that bear driving a Vespa?" I keep forgetting it's Halloween. I'm also the idiot who always forgets about Ash Wednesday until I find myself wondering why some people haven't noticed they have a smudge on their foreheads.

Appetite- Lost

Okay, this is a joke, right? Today I read in the post that Lance Armstrong and Ashley Olson were making out at some club.

I...I...

KITH

I was just thinking about this sketch from Kids In The Hall:

Stinky

There really is no easy way to tell two people worth hundreds of millions of dollars that their office smells like dead mouse.

Honest Mistake

No, seriously. Sotp it.

And That Includes Dorm Expenses

Me: "Hey, (Bosslady), do you want to take a look at your Amex bill before I pay it? It's awfully large."

BL: "Sure, (looks at it) Holy shit."

Me: "Yeah, that's a year of college right there."

Dreams

Last night I dreamt that I was really late for work and no one noticed, so this morning I woke up on time and arrived to work on time and guess what? No one cared.

Did you also know that "dreamt" is not a real word?

In other news, Uptight Inept Office Guy is too good for our legally mandatory firedrill.

What In The World

Seriously, what kind of animal is this? Is it an albino vampire bat? Tell me it's an albino vampire bat.

I can guarantee you one thing- that animal doesn't care about global warming ruining his environment so long as he can find toast.

Quiz

It's always one or the other.

Journalist or Porn Star?

I got 5 out of 10.

Dog Day

Isn't my dog the cutest? That's him dressed as a backwards elephant at the Great Pupkin dog costume contest in Brooklyn yesterday. Yes, that's his tail as the trunk. He was such a good boy and kept it on for a whole hour.

A Convenient Truth

Okay, is anyone watching CNN's Planet in Peril? You should because it is freaking amazing. But not just because their news crews traveled all over the world capturing the worst of the earth's devastation due to global warming, but because it is hosted by the awesome Anderson Cooper. I mean, he is a great journalist. He could be covering a staring contest and I would watch it all the way through. Maybe it's after his big freak out on national television over the hurricane Katrina debacle or the fact that he is buff yet non-threatening. Either way, check out Planet in Peril. At some point they throw stories to Steve Corwin or Dr. Sanjay Gupta, which are still interesting, but if you're me, and I know I am, you might find yourself switching between Planet in Peril and the History Channel's analysis of the lost Nostradamus papers while Cooper's taking a break.

I did learn that Nostradamus made a lot of predictions through water color paintings that can point to a prediction on his part only after a tragic event, BTW. Really fascinating.

Anderson Cooper freaking out:

Just Thought You Should Know

I make a damn fine cappuccino.

Good TV

Now I love Tila Tequila but...

Fun With Free Translation

Amy Winehouse's latest concert in Zurich was a complete disaster. She cried intermittently, drank and barely sang a song. Here is a rundown of the concert thanks to a German newspaper, and translated by our friends at freetranslation.com.

"Both happens rarely: That a concert is so terrible, that one it rather experienced would not have, and that a single concert moment is so large, that one schockgefroren stands there before chickens skin and then most dearly losheulen would like. Amy Winehouse, 24-year-old R’n’B-Wrack-Genie out of England, offered yesterday both in the people house actually. Of first much and more and more, of latter a little. Oh Amy. It yet once no longer "no, no, no" to the "Rehab", also if it indefatigably does that in its of the same name Alle-Macht-den-Drogen-Gassenhauer.

And then it stands there therefore, the small person with the large hair-style, stands there in a long white cord sweater, plucks on that around, trembles, wipes itself always with the hand back over the nose, drinks, drinks, drinks, sees it change wise out of like wine and gin Tonic, cries uninterruptedly that its the make-up runs over the face, scratches itself, yawns, sits down on the stage, hurls the microphone there, runs. Behind it its name stands written in large type-Deco-characters on a midnight blue frill curtain. So that the girl yet knows at least its name.

The large-area nostalgia-Orchestrierung is reduced on a rhythmic skeleton of percussion and guitar, raises about that Amy minute long a vieloktavigen complaint call, far like the sky and deeply like the sea. The chickens skin moment. Then first it flows eases swingende familiarity of its album hit into that."

Winner

And now, today's Douchebag of the Universe award goes to this guy- David Brooks, former CEO of DHB Industries which is the leading supplier of body armor to U.S. soldiers in Iraq, for looting the company bankroll to pay for lavish expenses including a $10 million bat mitvah for his daughter. Aerosmith and Kenny G performed, among others.

Anyway, I want to smack this guy so hard for so many reasons. And to make matters worse, there's this:

"He reportedly sent the company jet to fly Aerosmith in from Pittsburgh, paying them a cool $1 million. In return, they let his nephew play drums. In honor of the band's appearance, Brooks changed from a black leather suit into a magenta suede biker outfit covered with chains."

At least he didn't spend money on testicles for his car.

Yawn

Boy, am I tired. What should I do?

Lunchtime

It took our food 2 hours to get here today. If I had to pay I sure would complain.

Freedom

At a fish market in German the other day, several lobsters broke free and were found running through the town. The kind people who were awake and walking down the street at 1:45 am took them in to an animal home, and by "awake" I mean "drunk", by "walking" I mean "staggering" and by "animal home" I mean to "die a slow death in some idiot's freshwater bathtub".

Little Poll

Show of hands- how many guys out there want to be this puppy?

But Is It An Original?

Every week the lobby in my office building gets a new delivery of flowers. This week it is more of a conceptual art piece than a floral arrangement. Basically it's this large white mannequin-like head shaped statue, and surrounding it are branches, hot peppers, a few flowers and green foliage.

Everyone's been commenting on it, but as I was leaving work last night I heard one of the doorman explaining the artistic significance of the piece to one of the tenants:

"The head is surrounded by the twigs because he's tangled up in this mess. The green leaves represent the money he is losing. And the peppers are because he's hot under the collar. I call it 'Baby Momma Drama'".

Not So Fast

I just saw this casting notice for a well paying body double job! I was psyched until I got to the end...

"Looking for a SAG body double for a feature film. Caucasian. 5"6, waist 30, hips 37 and bust 34E"

TMI

High Energy Lady: (Looking at health insurance bill) "Why are we getting some money back from this... this... what is this 'Mental Health: Timothy's Law'?"

Me: "Well, you see, I am in therapy. There is a new law that retroactively reimburses clients for therapy sessions starting when the bill was passed in May. Those with pre-existing conditions are now covered 80% for unlimited sessions because it has been recognized that mental anxiety or depression is a dangerous sickness like any other. So you guys get reimbursed as well."

She's been really nice to me since that conversation...

In The Papers

Hey, let's play a game called Know Your Tempy.

What part of this article does Tempy find the most disturbing/funny?

Personality 101

A headhunter just called my office to see if we needed any "rockstar" office managers. As someone who once worked in HR, I know that's a big buzzword. I wonder what they'd do if they actually hired a real rockstar office manager. Oh, wait, my office did.

So after explaining to her that I am the office manager so I sure hope they aren't hiring another one, we got to talking. Next thing you know Hyper McStealabitch asked if I was looking for a new job because she could tell I had a "great personality" and in "this day and age, resumes don't count anymore". That's great. So tell me why I racked up at $50,000 college debt to "get an education".

It's Penday!

I just got a pen from the National Pen Company!

It's almost as good as getting one from Pen Island.

Today

This morning I ran into the dog who bit my dog and his owner. Here's an artists rendering of how that went.

Good Thinking

So the woman on Page Six just called and no, I did not say, "Hey, I saw you on Page Six!"

Oh Jesus

This is real. Ladies and gentlemen, from the geniuses of GodTube.

Morning Read

I was reading Page Six on the train this morning when I saw that there was a bit about my boss' sister.

Which means I will be fielding phone calls from her friends all day.

Thought

If you lose at solitaire, don't you also win?

Little Angel

Look at me! I like sno-cones and berries and long hops on the beach with my little friends who play jump rope with sugar floss and rainbows!

Um

This is why I don't fly.

That Bites

Hello! What a weekend. First the news of the California wildfire, then we find out Harry Potter's mentor Dumbledore is gay, but I think the worst of it was my sweet little dog was attacked by a mean old pit bull! He's okay but he got a chunk of his ear taken out. Here's a picture I took of it while my dog was eating his breakfast this morning. He was still diving his fat face into the bowl and crunching on food as I pulled his ear up and took this shot so I think he's okay. Man, you should've seen the other guy!

Just kidding, my dog rolled over and started crying.

HOLY F@#KING S@#T HOLY F@#KING S@#T

A HUGE pane of glass that separates two offices just EXPLODED! Luckily the woman behind it is okay but it is crazy! The noise was thunderous and now we have the entire maintenance crew standing around shaking their heads.

Accounting

Our accountant has made it her personal goal to do absolutely no work today.

She's doing very well. Right now she's standing in the conference room staring out the window.

Young Love

As a sometimes theater and nightlife reviewer for an online magazine, I get invites to random parties and events.

This is one from some guy who sends me a million emails about his dumb parties. He's gotten some press so in the latest one, he enclosed an article written about him. With this picture:

I mean, I can even put that on hotchickswithdouchebags.com because, well... I don't know who's worse- the circa 1972 effeminate Elvis or Nosejob McNasty.

Heroes

My friend was in Nicaragua filming a documentary about the inhumanity of current working conditions when hurricane Felix hit. He put his responsibilities aside to save the village he was in. In his own words:

"I gave orders to the US navy, which they followed, and put a Cuban doctor on a Blackhawk helicopter directing him to the areas that were hit the hardest. The president of the Miskito region was on our boat and I had to pull his head out of the sand, something he now credits and loves me for now…but it was tense for a second. We were the only ones who got to the most affected region for two days besides the US navy search and rescue teams. On our own we have raised 12K in funds to help and we have to keep working because there is a lot more to be accomplished. We have been taking charge in situations like that for the last week and we are pretty tired. I’ve been the field commander and everyone else has stepped into place gorgeously. It was, hands down, the most trying but beautiful week of my life.”

He is now a semi-finalist for the CNN Heroes award series.

What did I do this past week? I don't really remember but last night I trimmed my nails.

Pick This

Oh man you guys, it's fall and that means it's apple picking season! I have a vivid memory of going apple picking as a child, and one year I ate too many apples and during the ride home we had to pull over so I could vomit. I couldn't eat an apple for like, years after that.

I'm all better now and I found a great orchard. It's close to the city and they allow dogs. So my proposal is this- let's pick a weekend, rent/borrow a few cars and make a day of it.

Hairy

My UPS guy has a full head of hair fashioned into a medium height buzz cut.

And his chest hair is twice as long.

Ideas

This is what I will not be going as for Halloween.

Mario Lopez sold separately.

It's A Pyramid Now

Ladies and gentlemen, I have a very important announcement. As of today, my dog has finally eaten everything in the New York Canine Food Group Pyramid. He's already found his fair share chicken bones, pizza, bagels and the like on our streets, but today he finally got... a Jamaican Patty. And as I watched the yellow flakes crumble out of the sides of his drooling mouth, determinedly chewing as fast as he could to reinforce his conquest, I felt a sense of pride. He's a real New Yorker now.

For those of you unfamiliar with the New York Canine Food Group Pyramid, please see below:

Tool, Thy Name Is Tempy

I'm making my boss a latte.

What?

Ha ha. Coop Cone!

CNN revealed today that early humans 164,000 years ago participated in clam bakes, eating seafood way earlier than was previously thought.

Creationists vehemently deny any truth to this as it is clearly stated in the bible that clam bakes weren't created until the 3,300,802nd day or more precisely, 1952, around the same time suburbia was created. (Genesis 2:4-25)

Humor

Hey, remember baby Jessica? That's the girl who fell down a well 20 years ago and captured the hearts of millions.

Her brother-in-law recently spoke about the event. While they generally don't discuss it as a family, he admitted that sometimes they crack a few ha ha's. According to him, "There's times when we sit down and talk about it. We'll be saying, 'Watch out, there's a well."'

Ha Ha!

Those crazy Germans:

Paw and Order

Is it bad that I want my dog to be on Law and Order? I have him registered as a live working prop and they just called me to check our availability. Here is the actual conversation:

Casting Assistant: Great so we'll put you down for available.

Me: OK.

CA: What kind of dog is he?

Me: A Beagle/Basset mix.

CA: Aw. How big?

Me: 50 lbs or so (I lied, he's 65 lbs but that sounds big and he really doesn't look it).

CA: How cute!

Me: He's really talented. He can cry on cue.

CA: REALLY?

Me: Um, no. It was a... joke.

CA: Oh.

Me: But he can sit.

CA: Oh, that's good.

WARNING

OK, that's it.

Ever since I saw Legally Blonde The Musical six months ago I cannot get the goddamn opening song out of my head. Is it just me?

Watch if you dare:

Silly War!

Boy do I suck. I read this article about a mom who found a way to send 80,000 cans of silly string to the troops in Iraq. So I'm thinking, "Oh, jeez. This woman is trying to boost the morale of the troops by sending them dumb toys. Silly string fight in tent #2! Hahahhaha!"

But then I learned the silly string is excellent at detecting trip wires on bombs.

Stop

Holy smokes. What with all the excitement this morning I forgot to drink my coffee. No wonder I'm asleep at the wheel.

And by the way, I know this is a baby pygmy marmoset but if I found it in my apartment I'd probably kill it.

Would You Like Method With That?

Someone recently said to me, "So, how long have you been actressing?" That sounds an awful lot like waitressing. But then if you think about it, it's kind of the same thing.

Restrain

My dog would have eaten the cake, the platter, the chair and the floor before someone had time to say, "Get the camera".

Trivia Time

Okay, let's just say hypothetically speaking that Tempy is playing team trivia tonight. What should her team name be?

And another excuse to use polldaddy:

Cat Fancy

This is Evgeni Plushenko:


No, not Evgeni Plushenko the figure skater, Evgeni Plushenko the Russian Blue cat and winner of last year's CFA-IAMS Cat Championship. Upon winning, he fled the flashbulbs and could not be found for 14 hours.

On a related note, this is Evgeni Plushenko the skater's routine to "Sex Bomb" with Slutskaya and Berezhnaya:

Cross Reference This

There are many things completely implausible about the hit show 24, such as the fact that no one goes to the bathroom unless they are calling the enemy to leak information or that Jack Bauer is still alive, but I learned recently that there is one thing about the show that is true- there are cameras everywhere. And now thanks to EarthCam, you can watch people in real time doing real things in every city. Google Earth be damned, this is some serious stalking action.

Oh Jeez

You asked for it.

Now, excuse me while I barf up butterflies and rainbows.

Top 10

The top 10 names in New York City were revealed today, and among the strangest ones were Brianna (girl) and Jayden (boy). My office has been in a debate for days over whether Jayden sounds like a girl's name so I think we should settle this today. Thanks to my new best friend, polldaddy.

Cheeky

Who knew when I got into work this morning that I'd receive free body wash, lip balm and these panties from a freebie box sent to my co-worker:

They're from the "Cheeky Hipster" collection at Victoria's Secret. They're like the ones above but my panties have little hearts on them.

Get it? Cheeks and hips.

Dear Lord

Can it get any cuter than this? It's dumb.

Time To Think

There's something about being on a crowded train delayed in between stations during the morning rush hour for 55 minutes due to a stalled train in the station ahead of you that makes you really appreciate freedom.

Finally, A Shirt

I've been saying this for years.

So Fresh

I just got word that the improv group I singlehandedly* created back in college 12 years ago is having their first show of the semester tonight!!! With five new members! Let's send funny vibes their way.

*by "singlehandedly" Tempy means that there were many hands working in a single forward motion

So You Know

I just sent this to several of my co-workers. Not a joke.

The Results Are In

And the winner is... this.

Thank you for all of your votes! But because you all voted with your hearts, I will taste my co-workers Thai, go to a diner later today, say hi to a Japanese person, hug a chicken and go home to my Italian neighborhood. Where I will make instant rice and call Ed.

Lunchtime Poll

Okay, kids. You get to choose what I will order for lunch. You can vote more than once and you can even enter another option. I will order from what wins.

Go.

Coolness

My boss asked me to invite the whole office to go to a taping of her show in a couple of weeks and then have dinner at some fancy schmantzy place afterward. She's all, "Let everyone know they are under no obligation to go," and I'm like, um, let's see, leave work early, hang out at a TV station and then getting taken out to a 4 star restaurant? No, count me out.

I haven't received RSVP emails so quickly from my co-workers. Which just goes to show you, we are all the same when it comes to free food.

Ow My Head

Too much catnip dude. Too much catnip.

Vroom

I'm helping my co-worker find an anniversary gift for her boyfriend. We found a great site for the sports enthusiast. Here's a motorized cooler.

Bow Wow

Is anyone else cringing for so many reasons?

Fifth Avenue

At Bergdorf Goodman on a work errand:

Me: "Hi, can I get the [extremely expensive face cream for older ladies] in beige?"

Bergdorf Goodman Guy: "Of course! I like a lady who knows what she wants. Since you care so much about your skin, can I interest you in some products?"

Me: "It's not for me."

Bergdorf Goodman Girl approaches.

Me: "Excuse me, do you have a counter here for [something they don't have a counter for]?"

Bergdorf Goodman Girl: "No, but Macy's Herald Square does. It's so cute there! You should go! It's on 34th and... 7th? Yeah, oh and because it's Columbus Day it's all decorated cute!"

Me: (stunned silence)

Do I look like a tourist? All I need is a fanny pack and a husband browsing in the electronics section.

Gee

There's something about the G train that makes me feel very competitive. I was leaving Williamsburg last night and was waiting on the platform for the G train. Maybe it's the Lorimer station in particular, but both sides are almost always invariably crowded with young people who have to go somewhere now. So you find yourself eying the other platform, waiting to see who's train arrives first. It becomes a competition. And as you watch more people slowly stream onto each of the platforms you listen intently to see if you can detect a train rumble. You get fidgety. I always have fantasies of my G coming, and when it does I gesticulate threateningly to the other side and scream, "In your FACE! In your goddamn face."

But last night just as my fantasies got even crazier, the G on the other side rolled into the station. And I felt humble. You were a worthy opponent, riders taking the G train in the Court Square direction. I tip my trucker hat to you.

Now there are clearly exceptions to my theory about the G train and it might only be isolated to the Lorimer station. I mean, everyone knows the Bedford Nostrand station makes you want to jump into that unused track in the middle. But every time I walk down those steps to the Smith and 9th Street bound G train, a hot wave of contention washes over me.

Dread Bull

I just found out that taurine, an active ingredient in many energy drinks, is derived from the bile and urine of a bull. Funny how they don't mention that in the ads.

All Bets Off

This is crazy! The mayor of Atlantic City has run away! He called in sick in September and never returned. None of his relatives are giving away his whereabouts.

If you see a disgraced man in a suit with a bindle walking along the New Jersey Turnpike, you are encouraged to call local authorities.

Another View

As promised, more shoplifting seagull, this time from a different angle.

Bustin' Out

I don't know if anyone saw the I Love New York 2 premiere, but if you were unfortunate enough like I was, you'd know that we were subjected to New York's boobs falling out the entire show. Like, they were stuffed in really poorly, and there was just one that bubbled out. I can't believe not a single hair or make up person did anything to stop this. It's reminiscent to last season where they let her parade around with her unflattering grandma brastraps hanging out.

But Can He Juggle?

An actor friend of mine just sent me a link to a clip of his new film about "a lonely but disturbed serial killer".

There are so many things wrong with that description I can't even begin. Like, have you ever met a lonely but not disturbed serial killer? Or how about a serial killer with lots of friends? I think the words "serial killer" just about sums it up. What's worse than that is the actual clip which I won't post out of respect but send the link to anyone who asks.

Warning: Shitty Content

Follow That Bird

Is he even tall enough to be detected on the height chart?

Next Week, Ramen

Clearly this parrot resides in a dorm room.

Ditto

Remember those old school ditto machines? I only say this because someone recently sent me an email and they said, "Ditto, honey". Ditto. What I loved about the ditto machine, or mimeograph, is that awesome ink that got you high. That and the weird bluish hue of the paper that invariably came out warm like fresh bread. Mmmmmm. Ditto.

Dumb word when used not to describe a machine.

Bumps and Bruises

"Hey Tempy, how was ice skating with your boss's kids?"

Glad you asked! The day was great save for the fact that the 10 year old stole my ice skates, the 6 year old held my hand and fell a lot, I made an ass of myself when I was hailing a cab as the kids looked on in horror because the doorman was already doing it for us, I dropped the "F" bomb, spent $10 on fifty cent mechanical horsey rides, watched in horror as the 6 year old pointed at a retarded man and said, "It looks like he doesn't know much", ended up with 7 recorded songs on my phone about Tarzan and Jane and was dragged into the bedroom of the 10 year old to watch two youtube clips of said Tarzan and Jane song- one in the original, and one re-done by the cast of Lazytown. It was fun but I'm a bit beat. Oh, and the 6 year old informed me that she's "rich" and her mom has "at least $1,000 dollars".

Hairy Potter

I'm glad Harry Potter finally figured out the art of transfiguration.

Lucky Charms

When I look at this picture I see four future keychains.

Lemony

I have been drinking so much Crystal Light lemonade I might just turn into this:

I'm Smart!

You can get an MBA at the best business schools in the country but that doesn't mean you can a. find printer paper b. make coffee c. do anything for yourself.

Which is why I exist.

Rule #1: There Are No Rules

Dog fight enthusiast Michael Vick took an animal sensitivity course at PETA and passed with flying colors. I can't imagine what one needs to be "taught" but oh well.

In other news, the child welfare official appointed by the courts told Britney Spears before she takes the parenting class assigned to her, she must go through the first step- admitting she has children.

Oh Yeah

So I'm eating my food and I'm like, "Dang! Why did I order the big sour cream? I don't need it all. That's a lot of sour cream," and then I remembered that I don't have to pay for lunch so who gives a crap.

Blessings: Counted

A HUGE piece of scaffolding fell off the building across the street from me and destroyed a UPS truck. Luckily no one on the sidewalk was hurt. Coincidentally, I was outside running errands and am glad I chose not to walk down 60th as was originally planned.

Yikes!

Icy Hot

I am so psyched! I will be babysitting my boss's daughters on Sunday and she asked me if I would like to take them ice skating. SHUT UP! I love ice skating. I actually own my own pair of ice skates. Unfortunately I guess her daughters have "done it a few times" which means I'll be inching my way along the rails with them, but either way it'll be fun.

I once did background work for a movie in the Central Park ice skating rink and I had to skate for 8 straight hours. I mean, when I wasn't eating from the craft services table. And listening to the SAG crazies talk about themselves.

Ice skating!

Ms. Klein

Katie Holmes' new movie, Mad Money, will be out soon.

I don't know about you, but I'm putting Fandango on speed dial.

Xenophobia!

Hey, there's this new Chinese restaurant in my neighborhood called "Kitty Wok"!


Ha ha ha. All insensitive ethnic jokes aside, I decided to research this rumor that Chinese restaurants sometimes use cat meat. Turns out it really is that- a rumor, stemming from the fact that in some parts of rural China eating cats or dogs is not taboo.

So before you make assumptions, I encourage you to double check on the internet. There you will find an array of other falsities and lies to sift through before you find the truth. And only then can the healing begin.

Brutalicious

If you listen closely, you can actually hear the plummeting of Beyonce's career.

Rainbow Mountain

Oh, this is sad. Jake Gyllenhaal took his sometimes girlfriend Reese Whitherspoon to a Judy Garland Tribute concert. You make one gay cowboy movie and a Canadian paper writes this:


They did the same thing to Rock Hudson, and he was in tons of cowboy movies! I mean...

La La La La La

Ever have that Aerosmith song "I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing" stuck in your head?

I do.

Picture Time!

Hey, remember when I said I was going to be Recycling Coordinator of my company? I don't f@#k around, people. Here's a picture of my recycling center. Note that the kitchen isn't even finished construction yet. But I have my goddamn recycling center.


Want to see what I stare at every day? Here's my view. It was beautiful until the other day when a bird flew into the window and died. But, whatever. As Elton John said, it's the Circle of Life.

At Least

The least my co-worker did was to tell me the coffee she made was half decaf. But it doesn't make the situation any less sad.

Speechless

Jesus Christ.

Well As Long As The Dressing Was On The Side

Thank god for craigslist.

One Guess

Guess who's going to be a Notary Public.

Go on. Guess!

Heathers

I am a big fan of Rock of Love's Heather. This made me love her even more.

Sites For Sore Eyes

Wow, what a weekend. Among the many things I learned, including don't eat sausage from a vendor no matter the circumstance and that I am indeed a 34C and not a 37C as I was told recently (damn you bridal store), nothing beats this website someone told me about: beedogs.com. On this website, you will find pictures of dogs dressed as bees. And that's it. I mean, it isn't even cute, it's just weird.

Today I learned about two more must reads: This article looks at creative names given to children in parts of Africa, including Hatred, Enough or Norest. My friend who studied in Zimbabwe once knew a girl named Surprise, which coincidentally should be the name of half the children I know.

And then there's rottenneighbor.com. It's fairly new and pretty self explanatory- you see, if you are thinking about moving into a neighborhood but want to see what to expect, you just type in the zip code and you'll find out if that apartment above a bar is loud at night. But seriously, if you accept an apartment above a bar, you have no right to complain about anything you gentrified douchebag.

Happy reading.