It's That Easy

Update- no need to see the movie. There I am, right behind Josh Duhamel (skip towards the middle):

When In A Restaurant

A few years ago I did some SAG background work on a movie that just came out called When In Rome. I detest background work because all the extras really think they're actors and not just glorified scenery, but I digress. The pay is fantastic, and at the time, I really needed a quick $500 to pay for my Equity card. So I swallowed my pride and spend two 18 hour days on a set for this "restaurant scene".

It wasn't that bad because there were only a few of us and Danny DeVito took a liking to me (truth), but they did warn us, "Look, we're trying something new with filming this- the idea is that you are eating at one of those restaurants that is entirely in the dark, but we're going to film this fully lit and see if we can fix it in post. We might not even be able to use this, but we're really gonna try. Thanks for being here." So we had to just pretend to eat as if we were in the dark, but really we were in stark full fluorescent light.

Now, besides the fact that the guy who played my "date" took the 'eating in the dark' to a cartoonish Stevie Wonder-esque extreme, it wasn't the worst way to spend two days. But the cast knew the movie was a dud. They did their best but before the director said, "Action," every time they would give each other the side-eye, like, well, at least this pays the bills.

So the movie comes out and the reviews are in- it's a bomb. I don't plan on seeing it until it goes to cable, which by the rate of things, it will probably be on DVD tomorrow. But I just assumed the restaurant scene was cut because they really didn't know if it would work.

Hand to god, this is what the review in AMNY said today: "The only good part of this film is an innovative scene involving a kooky restaurant."

I SAVED THE MOVIE, PEOPLE.

No, kidding, no one could save this movie, but if you do see it, look for the disgusted customer who, when the lights finally come on, throws her napkin on the plate and grabs her date mouthing "Let's go."

I am classically trained at the British American Drama Academy. This is true.

On a good note, I made a lot of money for doing barely nothing.

Pup Love

So before I could do my little prank, the lady didn't answer the call back because I'm sure once she realized my other boss actually worked at CNBC the jig was up. I was so looking forward to it. In other news, I love this photo.

Prank Time!

OH MY GOD the most excellent thing is about to happen. I got a call from CNBC asking for my male boss, to appear on a show about Hedge Funds with Hugh Downs as the moderator. Something in the milk wasn't clean about that because my female boss actually works for CNBC, and this woman did not know that.

My Bosslady did some research and at first she thought it was a practical joke being played on her, but turns out it is a scam. So now I have a call in to the woman to confirm his appearance, but I am going to ask for a very specific rider that includes:

- His own green room with white walls and carpet

- 6 bottles of Fiji water with the labels ripped off

- Two California rolls without the avocado or crab meat

- A bottle of Macallen 19 scotch (they don't make that)

- Wii fit with the proper Andre Aggasi approved tennis console

We're also going to record it. We will also take bets to see how long before she hangs up.

Hot Me

Sorry to be a bad poster this week it's been real busy around here. But you'll be happy to know I signed up for a 2 week boot camp at 6:30 am Mondays, Wednesday's and Fridays so I'm going to hate the world a lot real soon.

Stalker Alert

It's really f@#king sad and weird that this IT salesman keeps calling me to set up an introductory meeting. I was reall nice to him the first 50 times he called, and it finally got to the point where I recognized his name on caller ID and pretend I wasn't here.

I FINALLY talked to him today and said, look, we have an IT team, and we're not gonna switch, but thank you.

He AUDIBLY SIGHED into the phone dejected, sad.

I said, "Hey, don't take this personally ok?"

He goes..."*sigh* I know."

I say, "Seriously, listen to yourself. Relax, it's not a big deal."

I'm not his freaking girlfriend for chrissakes. But now I'm worried he may stalk me. I mean, he already is.

Scott Brown

So Massachusetts recently elected a guy by the name of Scott Brown. During his acceptance speech, as you may have heard, he actually told the crowd that his teenage daughters were available. Yes. He was also Cosmo's centerfold winner when he was younger. Well my friends and I got together and made a little eHarmony parody about him.

Scott Brown's eHarmony Commercial - watch more funny videos

The More You Know

I did not expect to start my Monday morning with a text from a friend asking if I could google if she could go into a jacuzzi with a yeast infection. Why she is a. not near a computer b. going into a jacuzzi and c. wants me to know she has a yeast infection is beyond me. The answer is yes. You can go into a jacuzzi with a yeast infection. But you could technically infect others.

Next Episode

I don't know about you, but this is quickly becoming my favoritest show ever you guys!!!

Please Read

If you read anything today (besides my blog) please read this post from my friend Molly who had the most absolute worst experience at the doctor.

American Judges

Are you guys watching American Idol? Well, if you're like me, and I know I am, you are.

My favorite audition from last night was this guy named John Park. He was a pretty decent singer, clearly gay, but had a nice look about him that could effectively confuse all those tweeners who thought they ever had a chance with a gay man (guilty), and the kind of redneck homphobes who were shocked SHOCKED when Adam Lambert came out and wanted their votes back.

But that isn't really what I'd like to talk about. First, there was this crazy idea amongst the judges that an Asian couldn't have a voice like that. Really, ever since the voice of a large African American man came out of the body of a tiny Ginge like Rick Astley, can we please just stop with the whole, "I wasn't expecting that voice out of you(r tiny Asian body)" nonsense?

I think my favorite part, however, was when he made it to Hollywood, and Kara DiaGuardarallalalala said, "There's gonna be a lot of people screaming in about a second." What she meant to say was, "He's Asian, so he must have a huge family outside squatting on rice patties, waiting in anticipation." Instead, he was greeted by the largest group of theatre queens; it was fantastic. I have never seen Ryan Seacrest look so straight compared to anyone let alone this herd of flaming 'mo's. That'll show you to stereotype, judges.

Check out the clip here, which I'm sure will be pulled down soon:

Oh Dear Lord Baby Jesus

I wish this was a joke, but it isn't.

This website is holding a national day of healing. To pray for God to cure Trig Plain's down syndrome.

Let me repeat that.

This website is holding a national day of healing to pray for God to cure Trig Plain's down syndrome.

Because of all the "hate mail" from people who think this is "offensive and ridiculous", they changed the name to from "Pray4Trig" to "Pray4Healing". They took down a lot of the original content, but thankfully, there's Google cache. Attached is proof that Pray4Trig existed, and my favorite FAQ entry:

Achoo

Hey guys,

Thanks for checking in, but I'm home today with a cold or a flu or something. But the Shibu Inu Puppy Cam is back!!!

Free TV Show from Ustream

That Was Fun

So I pick the kids up, after making the highly inappropriate, "But I'm not allowed within 20 feet of a school" joke.

Here's some choice conversation pieces:

8 Year Old Girl: What's up with the Unicorn app?

Me: Oh, look, it can turn you into a unicorn!

8YOG: That's cool, but I'm really into Goth now.

8YOG: You can't drive?

Me: No. the only thing I've ever driven is a scooter.

8YOU: Why would anyone want to drive a motorcycle, get tattoos and not go to college? Those people are stupid.

Me: HEY! I've never had a tattoo.

8YOG: If you had a choice of dyeing or getting a tattoo, what would you get?

Me: Like a henna dye? Sure. I'd choose that over a tattoo.

8YOG: You'd die?

Me: What?

8YOG: You'd choose death over a tattoo?

Me: Oh, dying, not dyeing..

8YOG: Yeah, me too. I'd rather die than get a tattoo.

And

8YOG: That video is hysterical

8 Year Old Boy: It can't be hysterical. It can make you hysterical. You say, it is hilarious.

Me: Damn.

Road Trip

Ho boy today is gonna be awesome. Due to the fact that a nanny was accidentally fired and my boss's are temporarily screwed for child care, I get to pick them up at school this afternoon (it's a half day on Friday's). And by by pick them up, I mean get in a car service, get driven to their school in the Bronx, pile in some kids in the car, drop them off at home and then get driven back to work. So basically I'm a chauffeur who can't drive. iPhone... charged.

Gmail's New Ideas!

Hey you guys, Gmail has all these new features they want me to know about! Here they are straight from the site: my comments will be in bold after the description.

More storage for less money
If you need more space for your email and photos, you can now buy 20 gigabytes of storage for only $5 a year. Extra storage is shared between Gmail and Picasa Web Albums and acts as an overflow if you use up your free storage. The day anyone pays to use Google is the day a free and better mousetrap will surface. Hotmail may be a dinosaur, but it ain't dead yet- that's all I'm saying. Good luck getting my $5 for your web album when my pictures, much like all of my lucrative investments, are tucked all over free storage sites like Snapfish, Ofoto and Facebook. Suck on that, Picasa.

New features for Gmail on iPhone and Android
Point your phone's browser to gmail.com and enjoy Gmail complete with full label support, an outbox for messages composed while offline, the ability to mute messages, and more. Blah blah blah, I want more Unicorn apps.

New in Labs: "Got the wrong Bob?" and "Don't forget Bob"
Ever included Bob (your boss) instead of Bob (your friend) on an email by accident? Oops! Turn on "Got the wrong Bob?" and Gmail will check if you meant to include Bob Smith rather than Bob Jones based on the groups of people you email most often. With "Don't forget Bob," you can start composing an email to a group of people, and Gmail will suggest other contacts you might want to include. OK let's face it- this can only come in handy when you're trying to compose a sexually inappropriate proposition email to your friend's live-in girlfriend professing your love, and accidentally send it to your friend. If you're that careless, the "Don't forget Bob" feature isn't really gonna cut it. What you really need is an app that will cover for you if you choose to go that route. In which case, a large set of balls and the ability to lie like a sociopath will be available for only $5 a year.

Four more themes
Make Gmail look like a calm patch of grass or an old school video game. Can't decide? Choose "Random" and cycle through a different theme each day. The only theme I want my Gmail to be on is "Working Properly". Luckily that is available almost 80% of the time.

New in Labs: Message translation
Turn on "Message translation" from the Labs tab under Settings, and whenever you receive an email in a language other than your own, Gmail will automatically translate it into a language you can understand with just one click. This will come especially handy for when you new friend the Nigerian Prince is giving you wire instructions.

Tasks: the first graduate of Gmail Labs
Available in Gmail, Google Calendar, iGoogle and on your mobile phone, Tasks is the simple to-do list that's with you everywhere you go. Click "Tasks" above your chat list to get started (no need to turn it on from the Labs tab anymore). This is assuming you have tasks other than "Get through the day so I can watch the new season of 24" (New season begins Sunday January 17th on Fox, 9/8c)

Drag and drop labels
You can now drag labels onto messages and messages into labels, just like folders. The labels you use most often are easier to access right above your chat list. The rest are hidden but still accessible under "more." Customize which labels you see from the Labels tab under Settings. I don't know about you but these annoy the f@#k out of me.

New in Labs: Undo send
Oops, hit "Send" too soon? Give yourself a grace period of a few seconds to cancel sending, then edit your message before sending again. Again with the inappropriate drunken emails...

Gmail stickers
If you sent in a self-addressed stamped envelope postmarked by February 14th, 2009, you got back some free Gmail stickers. We may be all about speedy electronic communication, but this time we went old school with snail mail. FINALLY GMAIL LISTENED TO MY PRAYERS ABOUT MORE UNICORNS!!!

Gmail on Android
Gmail is now available on the world's first Android-powered phone, the T-Mobile G1. All of the features you love about Gmail on your computer, plus real time push email so you never need to refresh your inbox. This would be helpful if anyone bought the Android which, according to its avatar, sadly looks like something that would be killed in the video game Centipede in 1982.

Gmail Labs: A testing ground for experimental new features
Try out features in development and let us know what you think. To get started with Labs, click the Labs tab under Settings. The only labs I want Google employees to be working in are the kind that will come up with the überdrug, methamphopimarijuataine, so that I can appreciate the unicorns more.

Sexy Tempy

What has two thumbs, astigmatism and needs glasses? This gal! Yes, after years of squinting at signs here and there it's been confirmed... it's officially time for me to be a hot librarian. My prescription isn't that strong at all and I'll only need them on choice occasions, like when I'm driving (I never do) or whacking the bag at archery (again, doesn't happen), but now I get to join the exclusive club of "What will happen when she takes that ponytail down and those classes off?" Heaven, that's what. Looks like your books are overdue. Reowr.

Holy Crap

My friend is INSANE and he swam in freezing cold water recently.

My favorite part of this is on his blog, a friend watched this with her two kids and wrote down a transcript:

Daughter:

(calmly): “I think he just needs to take a rest in the water.”
(panicky): “Why isn’t he getting out of the water!!!”
(happily): “His mama gave him a towel!”
(sadly): “I didn’t get to see him dry off with a towel.”
(inquisitively): “Why did he go SMACK in the water?”
“He didn’t think the water was that much cold. He just kept sitting it. He broke the ice. Why did he break the ice?”
And the son….
“He broke the ice so he could get on the dock. He said it wasn’t much cold. He whacked the water.”
Daughter…
“Mama, why he whack the water?”
Son…
“Cuz he was playing fun.”

Whereas I'm all, "He smack the water because he full of crazy sauce."

VaGazzle

Everyone relax. Hold the phone. Now you too can finally get some use out of that BeDazzler. It's what Jennifer Love Hewitt calls VaGazzle. I am not making this up and I wish I could. Sadly, Fun Betty will have to slink back into the Duane Reade shelf from whence she came; there's a new bitch in town.

Yes, Jennifer Love Hewitt puts diamonds on her snatch. Please start watching at the 2:31 mark.

Bachelor Pad

Recently on ABC's The Bachelor, a woman was thrown off the show because she had relations with a crew member. So f@#king what? I don't get it- this guy gets to date 25 women and when he's off with one (or three on those elusive "group dates"), he expects the other women to just sit around? Heck no. These ladies got stuff to do and by "to do" I mean "not sit around".

Wouldn't that be an interesting twist in the show? Halfway through the season this guy "Dave" shows up and just starts hanging around with the ladies? "Oh, I hope you don't mind my not wearing a shirt," he'll say while doing pull-ups from the door frame, "It's just that when I blast my pecs I don't want to get sweat stains on my Armani." He'll charm the girls, but out of respect for The Bachelor totally not like, hit on them outright. That would be so against dude-code, right? Besides, The Bachelor has already laid claim on the 25 women.

But he'll know... he'll always know that Dave is somehow his competition. See how quickly The Bachelor finds a way to snag extra roses so he won't have to send anyone home. Producers will be all, "Bachelor, that's just a daisy painted red," and he'll be all, "No, it's not, it's a rose," and the show will never end.

Until Dave leaves.

Dinner Partay

Wow you guys, I had a totally cheesy moment yesterday. I had just made a huge meal for a group of friends. Sunday I cooked the main course all day and yesterday when I got back from work I made two awesome side dishes, packed everything up and went to my friends' house where we had a great time. But by the end of dinner I was exhausted! As I got home I thought, wow, it's a lot of work cooking for a large group. But then I got totally Pollyanna you guys- I thought how lucky I am to have so many friends to cook for. And not so many friends, so many awesome friends.

For dessert another person made this incredible flourless chocolate cake, emblazoned with a powdered sugar "Groinstrong" (for those of you unfamiliar with this, go on that link). It was delicious.

Here is the Groinstrong cake, as a unicorn.

I'll Be Here All Week

Hahhahah I'm funny- my boss's agent is also Conan O'Brien's agent and we all know he's been busy. He just called the office to talk to her and I told my boss, "It's your agent. He wants to know if you're free at 12:05 am on weekdays".

FB Friends

This is an awesome article in GQ about your most annoying Facebook friends:

People's Republic

So this morning my boss had me go to Bloomingdales to exchange some pants at a brand she remembered as being called "People's Republic of China". Well it turns out the brand is called "Free People" but it wasn't embarrassing at all to ask for the People's Republic of China to the fragrance girl on the second floor. On a positive note, since I got a $100 Bloomie's gift card from the girl whose dog I watched over the holidays, I bought myself a fancy new wallet and some hosiery. Because that's what I need- a place to put the money I will spend.

Oh Biden

Ohnoohnoohnoohno this woman almost became out Vice President. One of Sarah Palin's debate preppers is speaking out abort how painfully unprepared Palin was. Even going so far as to reveal that the reason she was told to say, "Can I call you Joe", is because she kept referring to Joe Biden as O'Biden. Which, during the debate, she actually did. Oh boy.

She's Glittery

I can't get enough of this Mariah Carey insanity. You'd think someone would tell her to ease up on the ganja but no. Here's a clip of her straight from a Phish concert on her way to the People's Choice Awards.

Uh Really

If you do one thing today, you may want to watch this. Or not, it's up to you. Ladies and gentlemen, a walrus at the aquarium, auto-fellating:

It's Easy

Since my dog isn't doing anything right now, enjoy this clip of the greatest Wheel Of Fortune contestant this week.

JesseCam Again

Everyone relax, JesseCam is back:

Streaming Video by Ustream.TV

Chat Stew

I spoke to three different customer reps at Time Warner Cable via online chat yesterday. It was great- I didn't have to hold at all and I got clear answers. I spoke to Günther, Luis S. and David and they were all super helpful albeit clearly not from this country. Luis S. was the best. He had the manual down pat- every time I did something he told me to do he said, "Great!" Even when I said, "The cable box didn't reboot and the time is wrong" he went, "Great!", then, "I am so very sorry to hear that!"

Either way, the cable is mysteriously working this morning, but that's not stopping me from getting a new HDTV and cable box this week. It has to happen.

In other news, check out these pets who want to kill themselves.

Butterflies Are Drunk

You guys I hope you are sitting down and checking your watches to note this as a moment you will never forget.

Mariah Carey got drunk and accepted an award.

No, it's not the award part that shocks me. Nor is it the getting drunk part. But even I, I mind you, I with the tolerance of a sweet pea, have not gotten this drunk in ages. LET ALONE at an awards show that I know I may be speaking publicly at. Enjoy. Or don't. It's really awkward.

I Need A New Box, Get It?

The following is an ACTUAL TRANSCRIPT of the conversation I just had with my cable company. Again, the only thing that has been changed is my name.

Gunter: Thank you for contacting Time Warner Cable. We are currently testing our live chat function and appreciate your patience. At the end of our chat you will be given the option of taking a brief survey. My name is Günther. Please give me a moment while I access your account.
Tempy: Hello Gunter
Gunter: Hello.
Tempy: u get my account?
Tempy: [account number]
Gunter: I understand that you have some problems with your box.
Tempy: yes, I do.
Gunter: Thank you.
Tempy: I think it's old
Tempy: When I reset it, it didn't go to the correct time, it went to 12:00
Gunter: I see, well I will be more than glad to assist you with your issue.
Tempy: I paid my bill
Tempy: I didn't get an error message saying my bill was late
Tempy: it just went to the local NBC station
Tempy: wouldn't let me get any other stations
Tempy: or get on my DVR list...
Gunter: I am going to send a signal to your box and try to fix this issue.
Tempy: ok thx
Tempy: do I need a new box?
Gunter: The only thing I need you to do is to turn on your box and your TV please.
Tempy: I was going to switch to HD anyway
Tempy: I'm not home. I can't check it
Tempy: :(
Gunter: Well you can replace it for a new HD one without cost if you want.
Tempy: I just want to make sure it's not an issue with having an old box
Tempy: Any way you can check?
Tempy: Great. How can I do that?
Gunter: Sure I can still send you the signal and when you get home you can check if the problem was solved.
Tempy: ok
Tempy: also, if I get an HD box but I don't have an HD TV yet (I will later this week) will it still work on my old tv?
Gunter: Yes your HD box will work with your old TV with our problems.
Gunter: The only this you have to do is to please go to the store with you box and your remote and replace it for an HD one.
Tempy: Will I still save all my old shows and movies I had on DVR???
Gunter: Also you have to tell to the representative that you will connect the box to a normal TV.
Tempy: ok
Tempy: Can I save the movies I saved on DVR?
Gunter: Well if you want to save your show and movies you have to replace it for a HDDVR.
Tempy: I know, but can I transfer the movies I already saved?
Tempy: on my old box
Gunter: Well I think that is no possible, I am so sorry for that.
Tempy: Oh dear.
Tempy: OK
Tempy: It's just that "What A Girl Wants" is one of my faves
Tempy: You know how that goes
Tempy: :(
Tempy: OK Günther, thank you
Tempy: I will check the signal you sent to my box when I get home
Gunter: Ok that fine, I am so sorry that you can transfer your show.
Gunter: Your are more than welcome.
Tempy: It's a movie- you should check it out
Tempy: Amanda Bynes finds her long lost father
Tempy: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanyway
Tempy: thank you for your help
Gunter: Ok sorry for the mistake.
Gunter: Have a nice day!
Gunter: Again, my name is Günther. Thank you for chatting with Time Warner Cable. We value you as a customer and we are here to assist you 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. If you would like to take brief survey please click on end session and the survey will load. Have a great day!
Tempy: Bye!
Gunter: Analyst has closed chat and left the room

Britney-Corn

Sorry guys, like I said, I've been busy. Doing what, you ask? Well besides my regular day jobbery, I'm also working hard at my other job which is being full time awesome. It's hard work.

That is...

When I'm not turning people into unicorns...

Watch This

It's a little busy here this morning but I will say this- run, don't walk to see Adventureland. It's on DVD and it's hysterical.

Tea Idiocy

Ladies and gentlemen, notice that the misspelled bad word is actually written on a sheet to cover up a previously misspelled bad word, assumed to be the same bad word, but misspelled differently.

In other news, ow, my shooting butt pain is back from my stupid stairs injury.

Holy Crap

I have absolutely no idea what the heck I just watched, but all hail Tequilabot.

Perverts and Unicorns

Well this weekend was a tizzy of activity although I did catch a stomach virus from someone and ended up ill on New Year's Day, but it's ok, I managed to have some fun.

The more disturbing thing that happened this weekend was a message from my blogger friend Sweden who informed me that Japanese men were using an old blog post here to have detailed conversations in the comments section about where to meet hookers. I had no idea that happened. Turns out, to keep from getting caught while communicating about illegal activities, people choose random blogs with posts from years ago and send the link around so they can talk about trafficking women. It was disgusting. I deleted all of them and now if you want to post a comment past 14 days, I have to approve it.

I spoke to my friend who works with the CIA (allegedly) and says this happens everywhere, for many illegal activities. In fact the latest that terrorists do to communicate and not get caught is to open a regular Gmail or Yahoo account, and save messages to each other in the drafts folder but never send them, so they are untraceable. Brilliant, eh? Well now I'm out to get those Japanese pervs- don't mess with Tempy.

One awesome thing that happened this weekend is that I found yet another app that makes people into unicorn pictures, and it's called Younicorn. I turned Raymi into a Unicorn, you should check it out.