Outta Here

2 more hours to go. I may post while on vacation, I may not. I plan on not doing much. But I'll be thinking of you (I won't). Kidding, I will.

In the interim, here's a picture of a little dog on his own little couch. Have a great weekend. I'll be doing what this guy is doing:

Reading Time

So I'm going away on a small vacation next week. Now Midwest and East Coast friends, I will be out to visit soon, but Tempy needs to sit in the sun for a couple of days and not do anything but read books and drink Pina Colada's.

So I'm open to suggestions. Here are definitely some books I'll be bringing with me on the plane. Hope my seat neighbors aren't uncomfortable:

Then if someone with kids get on, I'll pull this out:

And just to screw with their minds, I'll finish with this:

This one I have to read for my book club:

IM Busy

What am I up to, you ask? From me and the girl who sits 4 feet away but who I IM all day with:

Her (2:47:24 PM): didn't newt gingrich promise to leave this country if hc reform passed?

Me (2:47:39 PM): no, Rush Limbaugh did

Her (2:47:42 PM): ah

Me (2:47:48 PM): still here tho

Her (2:47:49 PM): another a-hole i despise

Me (2:47:52 PM): hahahahha

Her (2:48:01 PM): yeah, i wish he'd leave and take newt with him

Me (2:48:09 PM): those 2 are sooooooooooo gay

Her (2:48:15 PM): ew

Me (2:48:17 PM): it's OBVIOUS

Her (2:48:20 PM): not a pretty mental picture

Me (2:48:22 PM): man love

Me (2:48:30 PM): "Man-date" get it? Mandate?

Her (2:48:36 PM): i don't like to think of them romantically invovlved with anyone

Me (2:48:37 PM): I made myself lol

Me (2:48:53 PM): newt's been divorced 76236762341676 times yet he's all family values

Her (2:49:12 PM): i can't believe what newt said comparing the passage of hc reform to the demise of the democrats with lyndon b johnson and civil rights

Her (2:49:21 PM): did you read that?

Me (2:49:24 PM): no

Her (2:49:25 PM): what a complete dick

Me (2:49:26 PM): blarf

Her (2:49:57 PM): he said that basically if the democrats pass hc reform it will destroy the party much like johnson hurt the democrats with civil rights

Her (2:50:22 PM): implying that johnson should not have passed civil rights act bc it hurt his party??

Me (2:50:51 PM): right

Her (2:50:59 PM): meanwhile before the passage obama is saying that its goign to be a tough fight and this may make elections difficult but there are few times a person can really make a big difference and make changes for the better and asking democrats to do the right thing

Me (2:51:03 PM): from an article about Gingrich:

Me (2:51:05 PM): Mr. Gingrich's marital history is a matter of public record, and it is not tidy. He first married at age 19, to his 26-year-old former high-school geometry teacher and then, so the story goes, presented her with divorce terms after she was wheeled out of cancer surgery.

Mrs. Gingrich #2 was dumped after her husband had carried on an extramarital affair with a fetching, blond congressional staffer named Callista Bisek, who went on to become the present Mrs. Gingrich #3. This Family Values paradigm was complicated by the fact that whilst Mr. Gingrich was filibustering Ms. Bisek over the Speaker's desk, he was simultaneously leading the impeachment charge against a naughty president of the United States.

Her (2:51:07 PM): what is right for the country adn not for the party

Her (2:56:36 PM): ru busy?

Me (2:56:45 PM): will be soon why

Her (2:56:55 PM): oh, nm

Me (2:57:01 PM): what

Me (2:57:05 PM): I can multitask

Her (2:57:05 PM): wanted to see if u could play a quick game

Me (2:57:09 PM): yes I can

Her (2:57:09 PM): i'm soooooooo sleepy

Me (2:57:11 PM): k

Her (2:57:13 PM): ok i'll start one

Me (2:57:15 PM): there's cookies

Her (2:57:33 PM): how does that help me stay awake, are they laced with anything good?

Me (2:57:42 PM): SUGAR

Her (2:57:57 PM): nah, sugar don't cut it

Her (2:58:26 PM): ugo

Me (3:02:22 PM): ugo

Her (3:05:35 PM): ugo

Me (3:07:14 PM): ugo

Her (3:08:23 PM): ugo

Me (3:09:59 PM): ugo

Her (3:11:23 PM): ugo

Me (3:13:28 PM): ugo

Her (3:14:28 PM): ugo

Me (3:15:26 PM): ugo

Her (3:17:02 PM): ugo

Me (3:17:22 PM): ugo

Her (3:18:51 PM): ugo

Me (3:24:03 PM): ugo

Her (3:27:13 PM): ugo

Me (3:30:27 PM): ugo

Her (3:32:32 PM): ugo

Me (3:34:06 PM): ugo

Biebered Out

This is my second Justin Bieber post this week. I've never even heard a single song of his and yet I can't get over the fact that he's 16, looks like a lesbian and now his manager is in the news for- wait for it- failing to "Tweet" to fans that some mall was overcrowded. I kid you not. You read that correctly but I'll say it again: HIS MANAGER WAS ARRESTED FOR FAILING TO PROPERLY TWEET.

Here's what "happened". There was some event at a mall (Bieber's class all the way) and when the crowd became unruly, the cops ordered his manager to Tweet to fans that the event was cancelled. Because, you know, the cops didn't have any other way to control these teenage girls who apparently were at the ready to follow instructions via Twitter. The manager took too long or something, and as a result a riot almost ensued. End of story.

I don't even know what to say about this.

Ok I finally googled this Bieber kid and watched the first 10 seconds of this video before getting extraordinarily annoyed. I now think the manager should be arrested for representing him.

And I know he's 16 and it's not his fault that he looks like the girl that hit on me at that bar that one time, but really, teenage girls? What we need is a modern day Morrissey.

Video Awesome

Okay this video my friend is in is hysterical. I have to link to it instead of embed it because the embed player is too big and then Jonah gets mad at me. We don't want that.

YOU'RE A C Natural

Zzzzzzzzzzzzz here's the thing about "Living The Dream" and "Working At Something Else Full Time". These past two weeks have been incredible- I started rehearsals for a show opening in June that I love, and I was asked to be a part of an amazing team of actors, writers and composers to record a demo of a new musical which is actually a really good show. But there's the sleep thing. The fact that I threw in an all-day birthday party somewhere in there this week didn't help. I love the creative stuff but I'm just really exhausted. I can't complain- work is work, especially the fun stuff, but whoo, I could pass out right now (spoiler alert: I may).

Funny story about last night's recording session- I have studied music and piano and am familiar with basic site reading, but in this room I was WAY out of my league. I just pretended like I knew what they were talking about most of the time. I made it very clear to the guy that cast me that I'm not very experienced in the technical aspect of musical theater and he didn't care and truth be told, I held my own. But here is a conversation I had with the pianist later in the evening. I just think it's so cute, and really flattering, that he thought I'd understand this:

Him: See the part where the B flat turns into a C nautral?

Me: (pretending like I was distracted) Hmmm?

Him: Before the measure with the staccato. There- after the triad... right there...the B flat. We need to change that to an A minor.

Me: Right. So that would be... (just give me the line).

Him: Page 7.

Me: Uh huh. Ah... uh, here?

Him: No, no, see it's in the dominant scale.

Me: Sure.

Him: So... can you try that?

Me: So it's this line?

Him: Ah... I'm sorry, maybe I'm wrong...

Me: No, no, I'm sure you're perfectly right.

The guy was so nice and patient with me, so it all worked out. But now I'm starting to think I need to go back and look at all my notes from music class. From 20 years ago.

Who's Who

I am having a very hard time telling the difference between young music sensation Justin Beber and Shot at Love finalist Dani Campbell. Oh, I'll just go ahead and say it- one's a man, and one's a woman. And one likes girls and one probably likes boys. What do you think? If you guess correctly, you get nothing but street cred. And the fact that I know who both of these people are is disturbing in of itself.

The Gayest Story Ever Told

This story has a man who resembles Buffalo Bill, his old chihuahua, a new one, a long name, a dog-napping, and a store called Bottoms and Tops. I could not make this up if I tried.

Crazy Neighbor Lady

I know you've all been waiting with baited breath to hear all about what new crazy s@#t my superintendent's girlfriend has been up to. Well have no fear- your wait is over. I have more news about Captain Crazypants.

It was a lovely Friday afternoon at work and my neighbor and I decided to "Stoop it Out", that is, drink some white wine outside our building in folding chairs. It's a party. When my neighbor went up to get something from upstairs, she gave me the "don't look now" side-eye, but it was too late- there she was.

Here is the account of what horrible thing that happened to her recently. Just add in the, "Mmmmm hmm"'s and "Uh huh"'s that I was saying along at your own leisure.

"I have to tell you and the other girls in the building about this- I was attacked. No one believes me. I don't know how they got in, but here's what happened- I was just standing around in the apartment, minding my own business, being crazy (I added that), and then I woke up and someone had placed me on the couch with a blanket over me, and I got an MRI done because my back felt weird and they found that there was something causing pain in my back, so I don't know if they tackled me or hit me but they twisted my back."

I'd like to point out that she was neither raped nor robbed.

So yes, ladies and gentlemen of Carroll Gardens, look out- there is a rogue chiropractor going around, breaking into people's homes and doing spine adjustments against their will, then delicately placing them back on the couch under the comfort of a handmade crochet blanket before disappearing in the night, only to strike some poor unwitting soul again by treating or preventing mechanical disorders of the musculoskeletal system. God help us all.

My f@#king conveniently neighbor didn't come back until the story was pretty much done.

Oh, Japan

I have absolutely NO idea what is going on here and I am open to suggestions. I... really can't even begin to guess. Good luck.

Lady WhaWha

I... just watched the Lady GaGa/Beyonce video for "Telephone" and I'm so confused. I still don't get this whole phenomenon. I mean, the music is catchy and she's weird and all but this video was just... I can't. And yet I found myself transfixed the whole time. It's like my eyes were frozen from all the weird crap. To get my mind off of this, I will post this picture of a judgmental cat:

That Sucked

If you took the cast of Jersey Shore, multiplied them by 2,564,275 (preferably in a petri dish), and slapped green crap all over their bodies, that might give you a good idea of what walking through Manhattan was like last night. I didn't know that to be Irish you had to be a total and complete asshole.

I'll Take The Wine, Please

My do-gooder sister is being awarded for all this "hard work" she does for this "charity for kids in need" blah blah or something like that. It's being held at a place called the The Food and Finance High School. Yes, that said high school. I'm pretty sure it's one of those alternative schools for kids who need a second chance and Morgan Freeman is the principal and everyone knows the school song.

From InsideSchools.org:

"WHAT'S SPECIAL: Heir to successful culinary arts program at Park West High School.
DOWNSIDE: Metal detectors; in its first year, still working to integrate theme into program."

New Dress

I went out to buy a birthday card for my sister, a red bull and a hair tie and came back with a new dress, hosiery and jewelery. I'm not gonna lie, someone's gonna be sparkling tonight, and it ain't just gonna be the candles on her cake (she's 53) (that was a joke).

Bigger News

In news that doesn't make any sense, this New Jersey woman wants to beat a record by weighing 1,000 pounds. The only problem is this darn 3 year old kid that she had keeps her "moving" and therefore burning "calories". Oh, the horror.

She was quoted as saying, "When you have a 3-year-old daughter and you’re trying to run a household, things like this tend to be a fantasy".

I just... I can't...

Service Announcement

Have you ever seen these in New York City?


They're called "service advisories" and the let you know when a train will have scheduled interruptions. Today I saw one for the "K" train. Now, sadly, there is no K train, so you can imagine my curiosity when I saw that. So I put on my trusty glasses and as I read the small print I realized it was a parody, explaining that Amazon and Kindle are actually banning and editing books. Something like, "Web Editing is the new Book Burning". I would have taken a picture of it, but as it was the suit wearing hipster that was sitting right in front of it was already pretty excited when I put on my Hot-For-Teacher glasses to take a closer look at what he probably thought was him instead of the sign behind him, so I'll take a picture the next time I see it.

But Amazon banning books? Yeah, they can be selective about what they choose to print, apparently. I don't know if that necessarily counts as censorship. But either way, that ad campaign is awesome.

But Seriously, Folks...

Hello all,

I haven't posting in a while, I know. As a rule, as "Tempy", I only blog when I am at my survival job. That is, the job that pays most of the bills Monday through Friday. That's sort of been the general rule- I only blog when at work. That's how it all started - when JP Morgan wouldn't let me access personal email, so it was my only way to communicate to the outside world. What can I say? I'm crafty.

It's been a bit busy these days, and I haven't had as much fun at my job so I'm not going to bore you with unnecessary posts about sending out Bar-Mitzvah cards. You'd think that's funny- actually, not so much (okay, it kind of is). But I do have a "real life" and in that regard, friends will hear from me via personal email or phone calls when there's actually stuff to talk about because while blogging's fun, I enjoy real contact, as do we all.

"Tempy" is sort of a character. A character that I am, but a character that has this extra awesome time on her hands to make funny observations about office culture, etc. But since I've been a bit MIA, and the truth is most of my "followers" are really my friends, I thought I should share a few things while not at work, so here goes.

I watched a movie recently (okay, maybe like, 5 minutes ago), and one character says to the next, "When was the last time you've been truly happy?" I thought about it, and here's my top three that jumped off the top of my head. Like I said, I'm not at work right now, but since I feel like writing, heck, I'll share.

The first memory I can think of was a few weeks ago when I went to this theater I will be performing at again soon, the SoHo Playhouse, where a show that I wrote debuted 2 years ago. As I walked out of the train station, I took a very unexpected breath. It really hit me, for the first time in years, what actually happened there. I did this fun show, but what made me happy is knowing that everyone who was a part of it had some of the best times of their life. From the auditions, to rehearsals, to performing, everyone had a great time, and that made me feel really good. My shrink would say, "What about YOU?" And what I will say is, yes, making people feel good makes me feel good. Plus, I had a blast. It's like throwing an awesome party, and knowing everyone else had fun.

The second memory that sticks with me, and he may not know this, is the time when a very special man got me tickets to a show at the St. James theater- a theater that I love for other personal reasons. In hindsight he just wanted to do something nice for me, which was great in of itself, but what he didn't know was what a connection I had with that theater growing up in New York City. We were only friends at the time, but it was technically the best "date" I ever had. Not only because he was thoughtful enough to take me, but because as he knew someone in the band of the show, as a result we got a full backstage tour including an historically intimate view of every aspect of this dynamic theater from the wig room, to the costume room, to the hydraulic system that ran the stage - even down to the tiny floor that used to be the original orchestra section that we had to hunch down through to navigate. The fact that someone cared enough about me to do that meant so much, even if he had no idea how much it did.

And the final memory I can think of as a "top 3" is the last Father's Day I spent with my dad. (About 21 years ago). My dad is not well in the head, seriously. He used our new stepmom to ease the distance between myself and my sister because of his issues with my mom after the divorce, but on this particular day the new stepmom couldn't make it and he was actually not only by himself, but himself. My sister and I went to some park with him in the Bronx - we had a picnic or something - and he was humbled; still mad about the divorce with my mom, but genuinely happy to see us. It was the last time I saw him like that, and while the memories of him since have been brutal, even crazy people have their day of honestly. And that's when I really felt I said goodbye to my dad, who is still with us on this earth, but certifiably cruel and insane. But that particular day, he was just him spending time with us, and I know my sister look back on that as one of the best days with him.

So, Tempy's been busy at work. I promise you many more funny fake IM conversations and cartoons in the future. But since the subject came up, and I feel I know some of you well, while I have this forum I feel like I can tell you some of the top three moments of my life that I think of at this moment.

HEAVY! Who wants some Palin jokes? Tomorrow, I swear.

Hee Hee

So if you haven't heard, Representative Eric Massa had to step down from his post for sexually harassing his staffers. He decided to make it worse by going on Glenn Beck's show and saying it was just a misunderstood all male tickle fight. Honest mistake. Here are some of the outtakes from the interview, remixed and set to music with some extra vocals by yours truly. There's no video- just audio.

Zzzzzzz

Ok my boss is taking a nap right now and I totally want to spoon with her. Not because it's like that but because I am tired.

Order Up

I'm having one of those goddamn days - I need this:

When Life Gives You Lemons, Say F@#K The Lemons And Bail

At the urging of a co-worker, I've entered this week's New Yorker Cartoon Contest. Here's the cartoon, and below is the quote I entered:

"We're not sure if insurance will cover him because of a pre-historic condition."

GET IT?!? She asked me to do this after I helped her find cartoons for a presentation. She asked me to find cartoons about "Hedge Fund Women Managers" and I was all, "While I'm at it, I'll find you a striped Parisian Dodo Bird", but anyway, what I did was find a cartoon about a male hedge fund manager, then drew longer hair on it and added one letter to the quote.

I'm not joking.

Lindsay, Lindsay

Lindsay Lohan Thinks She Is The E-Trade Milk Baby, Still Delusional.

In a stunning move to those of us who don't really give a s@#t, Lindsay Lohan is suing the E-Trade people for using her "likeness" in a commercial about babies.

Let me say that again- Lindsay Lohan thinks her "likeness" is that of a 6 month old baby who is addicted to milk. That's milk, not adderall, mind you.

Her lawyer, who also moonlights as a homeless conspiracy theorist on the late night 4 train, said this:

"Many celebrities are known by one name only, and E-Trade is using that knowledge to profit. They used the name Lindsay. They're using her name as a parody of her life. Why didn't they use the name Susan? This is a subliminal message. Everybody's talking about it and saying it's Lindsay Lohan."

First of all, if they really wanted to piss her off, they would have called the character "Blohan", "HoHan" or "Hey That's Just Splenda - Please Leave My Diner". The fact that they used the name Lindsay does not automatically mean that it's her.

Also, I watched the Super Bowl and I saw that ad and I didn't think of Lindsay Lohan at all. Actually to be fair, I don't think I ever think of Lindsay Lohan unless there's the off chance I come across a ratty twig dipped in powdered sugar who likes box. So really, if you're like me (and I know I am*), you'll agree that this ad had nothing to do with La Lohan.

*that one's for you, Michael

Hooking Up

OK, THIS is amazing- this sister ratted her brother out and he got grounded, so he found her "Hook Up List" and POSTED IT ON FACEBOOK. He also tagged all the guys in question:

That's SOOOOOOOOOOOO funny becuse strangely enough I found MY hook-up list from Junior High. Boy was I a wild child! (Not really.)

Working Out

Well I'm officially on my 6th week at Boot Camp and I feel great. I fit into my clothes better and I'm much more confident when I'm naked. Scratch that - I've always been a confident naked person. Looks like I'm going to continue it for a while until the weather turns and we start doing it in Prospect Park, but my friend (who is also the instructor) told me that he can swing by and pick me up in a car service because it's way too far for me to walk over. I really wish he'd just continue to do it at the usual spot, which is a music lounge in my neighborhood. Don't believe me? Here's a video. Yeah, that's a bar. This is also the same space where I will see one of my my favoritest bands in a few weeks. So watch me working out. Music brought to you by the local Accu-Weather forecast:

Don't Try New Stuff

Somebody yesterday forced me to eat a "wellness soup" with ginger root and goji berries. I still want to vomit. If that's the definition of wellness, then just hit me over the head with a plate of french fries.

But seriously, folks- when your fruity friends tell you to try something "new", don't bother. Here's what I think I ate yesterday according to a simple google search:

Gojiberries, dates, barley, yam, astralagus root, shiitake, sea whelk, chicken.

I really don't feel well. I blame the sea whelk. That's right, I ate a goddamn snail. As a weight loss remedy, yes, this is great because I can't eat anything today.

ASPC Hey

You see, this is why I just can't be a member of the ASPCA. They send me these traumatizing emails about horrible pet owners and it makes me sad. I can't even make a joke about this- now I'm sad.

Captain Jack

Well, this is awkward. News outlets (not really) are reporting that Johnny Depp's life partner, Vanessa Paradis, wants him to quit the movie he is in with Angelina Jolie. Word on the street (and by street I mean gossip columnists on a slow day) is that she doesn't want to lose her man to the woman who is famous for... stealing men. Oh, please. Depp is perfect in every way and would never do that.

Here's her lip syncing at some awards show looking about as high as a kite. If you as me, she has a pretty sweet life, that Vanessa Paradis.

John and Molly Get Along

Stop what you're doing and watch this:

Woo Hoo!

Guess what?!? The Guy Next Door bought me the Hellery Shirt! I know I asked everyone for it so it's okay if you also got me the same shirt, I can always use more than one. I love it!

Happy Joke Day To Me

Well, ha freaking ha. It's my birthday today, and when I came in I found this on my desk:

Now we all know my Bosslady met with Rahm Emmanuel yesterday so this was totally possible, and after I got really excited, I got really suspicious. I mean, my co-workers are sneaky. Well a few awkward minutes of excitement turned to shame as they all started laughing at me. Yes, it's a joke. A very good joke.

Oh Tequila

Today's post is brought to you by Irish singing sensation (and family?) Crystal Swing. If the Partridge family were smaller, weirder and not from this country, this may be what they'd look like.

Hmmmm

This meeting with Rahm Emmanuel and my boss is going rather smoothly. Too smoothly in fact. The White House and I are all on G-chat like, "Wassap," and I'm all, "How you doin'" and the White House is all, "Chillin' Chillin. So have [Bosslady] meet us in the West Wing and we'll bring her to Rahm's office," And I'm like, "That's it?" And they're like, "Ya whatevs LOL". I hope I'm really talking to someone in the White House.