Ah Pot

To be fair, I did OD on hash brownies once. And this story isn't new. But these newscasters reactions is priceless. You have to watch the whole thing:

Happy Happy

I have a lot of fun things planned this weekend starting tonight all the way through Sunday, all even before the Superbowl starts.

But I of course have to make time to celebrate the birthday of my hamster, Fifi. Make a wish:

My brain is the size of a lentil!

Thanks, Cute Overload.

Glorified Robe

Speaking of the Snuggie™, this parody had me laughing so hard I had to take a deep breath before answering the phone just now:

Useful Tip

Hey you guys, it's Valentines Day soon and you know what that means! According to the ASPCA it's a deathtrap for animals! Here's my latest from the emails:


Oh, I think they forgot one:

"When you are sitting all by yourself on Valentines Day watching Dancing With The Stars in your Snuggie™ tipping on that sherry, be sure to keep the pint of Ben 'n Jerry's Chubby Hubby away from the one hundred and twenty cats that you know about that live with you, as pralines make kitties quite sneezy!"

Well Uh This Is Awkward

So a co-worker turned to another co-worker and said, "What's your background?" and I thought it was awkward because co-worker 2 is Korean and I'm sure she hears that all the time, so when co-worker 2 said, "What do you mean?" I just chimed in with, "Oh, Korean," but it turns out co-worker 1 wanted to know her business school background.

Ha.

A Brainteaser

Q: What do you tell this bunny with a black eye?

Mmmmmashed Potato

I just had a fried mashed potato.

Booty Licious

I have this old pair of black calf-high leather boots that I found a neighbor ditched out on the street one Sunday night about 6 years ago. I brought them home out of curiosity to find that they were in fact in pretty good condition and fit me like a glove.

Over the years I got a lot of use out of them, but one day the heel broke off and I figured, eh, I can live- we've had a great run.

Two years have passed and lately I have been taking my boss's shoes to this amazing shoe repair shop in the neighborhood. They can fix anything and it's CHEAP. Later I found out that they are rather well known, and women all over the Upper East Side take their Manolo's and Jimmy Choo's there all the time so I figured, why not?

One week after dropping them off, I received my boots- two repaired heels, new soles and polished and shined- $22. I love this place.

Except for last week when I was getting a new heel for my boss's boot and the guy who did it came out with a HUGE bloody tissue shoved up his nose and I was like, "Nosebleed, eh?" and he just looked at me and the blood started rushing into the tissue even faster and I almost vomited.

Dog Bone

Is it just me or does the music on this website sound exactly like the ones on the Cialis commercials? Don't ask me how I found this.

New School

A bunch of us are seeing this this weekend:


Now that Obama has been elected, I think I'm ready to look back and laugh at all of the last 8 years. Finally. Bring it, Will.

Sugar High

Wow. That was both loud and entertaining.

Someone get the children more chocolate!

Scavenger Hunt!

Wow you guys, since it's drizzling, my boss's kids got a snow day. She calls me and asks if there is a good pizza place we can order from as her younger set of twins will be joining us for lunch.

Then she asks me if I could make a scavenger hunt for them.

Now, I'm glad my creativity is appreciated here but I'm a goddamn asst., not a kid's events coordinator. Thank goodness for rhymezone. Here are the hints, in order, that will make a set of 7 year old twins and their friend race around the office.

"Snow days must be very fun
But also come in handy
When you get to visit your mom's work
A go on a hunt for candy

You will find notes like these with hints
So for now ignore the weather
But remember that to win the prize
You must work together!

Here's your first hint- so get ready
Go on and stretch your legs
Remember to use the map as well
As your next clue's in the office of [co-worker]

So when you find him on the map
In his office the hunt begins!
You'll find your next clue
Right behind the twins.

So I put the following behind a copy of this guys' X-mas cards with his kids:
Congratulations- you found the clue!
Looks like you can task it!
Your next clue you will find
In a brown wicker basket

So off you go to find it!
You are hot on the track!
The basket can be found
Where we keep the snacks

Kitchen. Duh:
You guys are too smart! Great gob!
You really take good care-a
The next clue will be found
In the office of Miss [co-worker]

It could be anywhere in there
And great wits you must exhibit
For the clue can be found
In the thing that may say "ribbet"

Frog Rain Boots:
You guys are doing so well!
But hard work you must maintain
Your next clue is in [co worker]'s office
Behind the big thing that repels the rain

Big Umbrella:
You are getting so close
Soon you will have your candy stash
You'll find the next clue in [co-worker]'s office
Underneath where you put the trash

Trash can:
You are almost to the end now
And must be hungry, I presume
Your next clue is next to something with horns
In the BIG conference room

Bull statue:
Excellent work- you're doing great!
We're almost near the finale
The next clue is in [co-worker]'s office
Behind the thing which at home, you can't watch if you have "tally's".

Ok, I should explain that if the kids have "tally's" for bad behavior, they can't watch TV. So this was behind the TV:
The next clue can be found
In something you'll need when you cry
So head to the SMALL conference room
To the thing that will dry your eye

Tissue box:
This next clue is a hard one
Let your brains be your guide
The next hint is in an empty room
On a thing where you might go for a ride

Bike:
Only two more clues left
But for this, real teamwork is required
The next hint is near where [co-worker] sits
In the thing that helps fight fires

Toy Fire Engine (don't ask):
Finally you are near the buried treasure!
A bag of chocolate snacks!
You'll have to go to mom's office
And dig in a place where you may relax."

I put this big bag of candy underneath the cushions of her couch. That was her idea.

Just call me Mary "Tempy" Poppins.

Hoop Dreams

If you want a good cry in a good way, you have to watch this immediately. CBS wouldn't let me embed it and the YouTube version is too grainy. WARNING: Women who are premenstrual should not look directly into this video. Enjoy.

Bas Ass

What Impeachment?

Heidi: Welcome back to Project Runway. As you know in fashion one day you are in, and the next, you are out. Let's meet the judges. To my right I have fashion legend Michael Kors.

Michael: Hello.

Heidi: And to my left, the lovely Nina Garcia from Elle magazine.

Nina: Hi.

Heidi: And our guest judge, coming off a two day press junket, is the soon to be impeached Senator Rod Blagojevich.

Senator Blagojevich: Hello! It's GREAT to be here!

Let's start the show.

[runway show starts]

[runway show ends]

Heidi: Let's start with you Vincent. You choose to put your model in something very informal. Why?

Vincent: Um, I'm a person you likes very clean, uh, non-fussy clothing. I like, uh—I thought that the fabric went well together. I thought that it was rather uh, expensive looking for the allotment that we got to design it. And I like minimal, quite frankly.

Nina: Jeffrey, yours is more streamline. Can you explain that?

Jeffrey: Oh, most definitely. I assumed, when the challenge was "jetsetter," this was for someone that was going to get on a plane and go someplace, whether it was going to be me or somebody else.

Senator Blagojevich: I appreciate the audacity of this piece. Really out there.

Jeffrey. Um, thanks. Anyway, I mean, I do stuff for celebrities and rock stars and so—and have a background in music and have had that lifestyle and have friends that do so. All the clothes are very comfortable.

Senator Blagojevich: It shows.

Jeffrey: I mean, I'm sorry, Senator, don't you have somewhere to be?

Senator Blagojevich: The only place I'd like to be is in the arms of fashion with you people. That's why I'm here. You're welcome. Now, tell me about the pants.

Jeffrey: Ok- these pants feel like leggings almost, with a stretch in them, and a t-shirt. Um, and then the jacket is my look, and it can come off so the model can sleep comfortably on the plane and can come back on when the paparazzi's around or when she needs to do an interview or go to a party or whatever it is.

Michael: Laura, I feel the look is impeccable. Tell me about your dress.

Laura: Well, I chose silk jersey, so it would travel well, and the dress actually really wraps.

Senator Blagojevich: Glorious.

Laura: Thank you, sir. I appreciate you taking the time out of your impeachment hearings to be with us on the show.

Senator Blagojevich: There's a classy broad.

Heidi: Okay you can leave the runway- we're going to tabulate your scores and then we will call you back when we have the winner, okay?

Gee, Mail

I got this email recently. I don't know who this person is but apparently they know me and think I can get a distributor for a film for them. Of course the subject line explains it all.

Mystery Sign

This is around the corner from my friend's house.You might want to click on the image to make it bigger.


I don't know about you but I may want a manchine. Once I find out what it is.

Net This

The saga of my apartment building continues.

So Thursday I was supposed to receive a Netflix movie. Netflix is usually on time and reliable and as such I enjoy their services. But on Thursday, no Netflix.

Friday rolls around and I am looking forward to a quiet night in and lo and behold, still no Netflix.

Now, listen- I didn't really need to see Win a Date With Tad Hamilton. But I have this thing. Sometimes when I am in the privacy of my own home, I like to indulge in a little guilty pleasure of mine. Crappy, crappy teen movies.

A guy at the dog park shares my deep seated obsession of teen dramedies and rom com's and he assured me that the best of the worst was Win a Date With Tad Hamilton so I figured, ok, I'll give it a shot.

Saturday rolls around and I realize this movie is just gone. But I couldn't help but think back to the towel fiasco when my egyptian cotton towels went "missing" and Crate and Barrel replaced them, only to find that someone had returned them anonymously to my door days later.

But what if the movie really was missing? I went ahead and reported it at such on Netflix and yes, will be recieving a replacement copy.

But on Sunday morning what is sitting outside the mail area in the hallway but my goddamn Netflix DVD OPENED. Ok, it wasn't like someone accidentally took it and then returned it- this person had 3 days with it. Now I don't pay $9.95 a month so my neighbors can watch Win a Date With Tad Hamilton before me. So now, because Netflix was kind enough to replace one, I now have TWO copies of this stupid teen movie that I really have no major interest in watching anyway, but am pissed off that it was denied to me.

But wait, there's more.

Last night I came home to find a bottle of wine, gift wrapped at my door. Hanging in a bag on the knob with no card, no name. So... is this anonymous Netflix thief now apologizing? Or did my scatterbrained upstairs neighbor who I helped with the stomach flu last week leave it for me and forget to write a note?

Weird. So now I have a bottle of wine and a double dose of Topher Grace. I don't know whether to be really happy about that or kill myself. Anyone want to borrow a copy?

Poor Stains

If you haven't seen this yet you need to right now.

Nice Hat

OK as most of you know, America is a little obsessed with Aretha Franklin's inauguration hat. There is even a Facebook fan site for it. These are my favorite photos from the site:

Cute Kids

What do you suppose they were thinking as they gave him the stink eye?

Ms. Information

It's hard to make your boss an info packet for someone she's meeting with when all that's on google is how this person's husband got caught with a hooker. Thank god for Wikipedia.

Inside Info

Well, I'm not supposed to know that this is true but apparently, this is true.

Hope, Change

I was at a bar last night when I looked up and saw the most beautiful chandelier with what looked like Obama's face on it. The bartender sauntered over and said, "I notice you're admiring the Obamalier."

Awesome.

An Update

I've lost the last two Scrabble games at work and it actually has put me in a foul mood...

Hi Chuck

Bosslady: Oh, Charles Schwab may call.

Me: OK.

Bosslady: Just so you know, it's the real Charles Schwab, not the company.

Me: OK so I won't be like, "No, this is a prank," click, right?

Bosslady: Yes.

Me: What if Sarkozy calls but I'm sure it's those Canadian pranksters?

Bosslady: You can talk to them.

Bitch Art

Thanks to Raymi who should be blogging comprehensively about this shortly, I found out about this bats@#t crazy lady who makes pics of animals in famous paintings like this:



Oh, please, anyone can do that with a few photoshop skills and a high dose of crazy. Check out my dog. I like to call this one "The Stream".

Family Time

Palin4Pres2012 (4:41:31 PM): Keith is that U?

Olbermann342 (4:41:36 PM): hold on

Olbermann342 (4:43:43 PM): yes

Palin4Pres2012 (4:44:42 PM): it's me!!!

Olbermann342 (4:45:51 PM): I am sorry, I am on 4 different conversations right now. Becky is that u sweetie?

Palin4Pres2012 (4:50:19 PM): no it's me, Sarah Palin!

Olbermann342 (4:52:01 PM): oh I see it's O'Reilly playimg a joke on me hahah

Palin4Pres2012 (4:54:14 PM): no it's me

Olbermann342 (4:54:41 PM): sure it is sugartits

Olbermann342 (4:58:12 PM): and I'm the tooth fairy

Palin4Pres2012 (4:58:49 PM): Mr. Olbermann this really is me, Just wanted to say hi and ask u a favr

Olbermann342 (4:59:46 PM): oh SURE! hHey Bill when I'm done talking to "Ms. Palin" hows about I rub a falafel on yr privates

Olbermann342 (5:03:09 PM): hahhah u old salty dog

Palin4Pres2012 (5:06:23 PM): Mr. Olberman, this IS Sarah Palin and I'm gonna cut 2 the chase- I am asking you and all liberal media to leave my fam alone OK do u understand?

Olbermann342 (5:07:11 PM): Oh SURE Sarah u got it

Palin4Pres2012 (5:08:36 PM): really? Thank u

Olbermann342 (5:09:15 PM): sure I'll leave ur family alone once if u tell that older daughter of yrs to stop sleeping around and get back in my bed

Palin4Pres2012 (5:13:34 PM): ????????

Olbermann342 (5:17:23 PM): Yeah she's a right old tart

Olbermann342 (5:20:36 PM): and how's about yr husband? I smell big bear grrr

Palin4Pres2012 (5:20:40 PM): leave my husband out of this!

Olbermann342 (5:20:44 PM): I'll leave yr husband out of this when he stops trying to put my dick in his mouth

Olbermann342 (5:24:40 PM): hahhah. Ok O'Reilly u kno I'm busy at work. Chat w/u later

Palin4Pres2012 (5:25:37 PM): you will regret this, Keith

Olbermann342 (5:26:39 PM): yeah, as much as you'll regret that lap dance yer mom gave me- HEY-OH!

Palin4Pres2012 (5:27:50 PM): My MOTHER?!? HAVE U GUYS NO DECENCY?

Olbermann342 (5:28:29 PM): whatever O'reilly

Olbermann342 (5:28:32 PM): Mooo… what's that? Oh, it's yer mom

Palin4Pres2012 went idle at 12:39:34 PM.

Kinda Squirreley

This guy must be really stupid and want rabies.

It Happened

Wow.

This is real.

Captain Poopie

Maybe there isn't a god:

www.petsinuniform.com

Aretha's Hat 2.0

By now we've all seen Aretha Franklin's hat. For fun I photoshopped it on a a picture of me but it actually looks pretty good. So I figured, let's see how it looks on other people. My favorite is captain Biden at the end. Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Nice:


Dapper:


Scallywag!

Chatting Away

Palin4Pres2012 (9:35:10 AM): u there?

JoeThePipeMan4VP (9:35:43 AM): hey whatup

Palin4Pres2012 (9:35:48 AM): nada just sittin here u kno not much

Palin4Pres2012 (9:36:04 AM): U?

JoeThePipeMan4VP (9:38:20 AM): nuttin. Still in Gaza covering some news. Anything new there? Haven't hit the TV all day

Palin4Pres2012 (9:38:23 AM): nope

Palin4Pres2012 (9:38:26 AM): Not a TV person

Palin4Pres2012 (9:38:30 AM): no

Palin4Pres2012 (9:38:34 AM): not today

JoeThePipeMan4VP (9:38:36 AM): too bad

JoeThePipeMan4VP (9:38:59 AM): American Idol started- u seen it? And 24- J Bauer is a badass- like me

Palin4Pres2012 (9:39:03 AM): hahahh! Oh, I'll turn on the TV just u kno after today

Palin4Pres2012 (9:39:04 AM): don't feel like it today

Palin4Pres2012 (9:39:10 AM): no big newz anyway

JoeThePipeMan4VP (9:39:13 AM): wait isn't today the inauguration

JoeThePipeMan4VP (9:39:17 AM): of that socialist

Palin4Pres2012 (9:39:17 AM): Is it? Hadn't noticed

JoeThePipeMan4VP (9:39:19 AM): ya it is

Palin4Pres2012 (9:39:21 AM): Too busy here working for the people of Alaska!!

JoeThePipeMan4VP (9:39:26 AM): ya here it is- just turned on the google

Palin4Pres2012 (9:39:26 AM): Writing bills and fixin tax stuff! Too busy 4 tv today

Palin4Pres2012 (9:39:34 AM): I have a real job

Palin4Pres2012 (9:39:44 AM): u kno, like, pres is one big puffed up community organizer and we know how important THAT job is

JoeThePipeMan4VP (9:41:49 AM): totes

JoeThePipeMan4VP (9:42:00 AM): lol

Palin4Pres2012 (9:42:05 AM): hahha

Smart Kid

Check out this little genius.

Aretha's Hat

This hat is the unsung hero of the day.

Our President

Yeah, I cried in front of my co-workers. I also blurted out a "Yeah!" when Obama mentioned "Non-Believers" in his speech. It's about time.

Whatevs, my co-workers can suck it if they can't handle the awesome.

Oh, Bama

Goddamn right.

OBAMA DAY

Hello and HAPPY OBAMA DAY!!! We at Tempy are thrilled to dedicate all of today's posts to Obama. How does that differ from all other days? Well, today I will refrain from posting cute animals. Unless of course, it is of George Bush eating them.


But seriously, folks. Two more hours!!!

Word Play

I... just got this in an email.

It's Fruit

I really need to grow up.

Cat Found

This is a pretty awesome craigslist posting.

Awake Again

So last night my phone rang in the middle of the night and it turns out it was my upstairs neighbor, hysterical (NOT to be confused with Schitzo- she's downstairs). She was suffering from a major bout with the stomach flu and was dehydrated and feeling faint and could not get out of bed. I got up, shuffled into my slippers and brought her a glass of water and ice cubes to suck on. After tucking her back in, I went back to my apt and took a BATH IN PURELL. Between this and my dog waking me up because of his recent gastrointestinal issues, I haven't been getting much sleep.

As we all know my building is a never ending house of drama. But as a friend pointed out to me this morning, "That's why your rent is cheap."

True that.

Fiber? I Hardly Even Know...

So since I am trying to be all healthy and stuff I decided to increase my fiber intake because there was some study done that shows that when you eat more fiber, it keeps you hydrated and healthy or something. And if you eat enough you can move mountains and solve our economic crisis. But seriously, folks.

So I bought high fiber cereal but the only one they had was this:


Can't they humor us and just put young people on the box? It's just kinda embarrassing smuggling this stuff into the office. It's bad enough the cereal itself resembles twigs and tiny pitas.

I'm Professional

OK, the level of kookoo-berra in my office is now at a staggering high. As most of you know, I work for two high profile women. As such, I've received insane phone calls, fan mail with mustache hairs, crazy emails, you name it. But over the last two days I firmly believe that our company's name, phone # and address is on every crazy man stalker website.

Yesterday I was stuck on the phone with a guy who was telling me his life story. When I IM'ed a co-worker to buzz my intercom and pretend that I had to go, he said, "Oh, no, I'll hold." And I said, "Well, I have a meeting." And he says, "I'll still hold." At this point my co-worker starts buzzing me repeatedly yelling, "You'll be out of a job if you don't get in here!" And I'm all, "You hear that?" And he said, "I'll hold."

So I hung up on him. Uh, oh.

Then there's this guy who sends emails daily asking me to forward them to my boss in hopes that she'll hire him. Every day. He follows up with phone calls. Twice a week. Then one day he just called me to say hi, and wish me a happy new year. So I said, "Thanks!" and then there was this huge silence and then I was like, "Hello?' And he's all, "Yeah I'm here." More silence.

JUST NOW that same guy just called and after he said goodbye, he said, "I love you."

But this morning I got a little nervous. A package arrived and it said, handwritten, "ONLY TO BE OPENED BY [MY BOSS]". Yikes. So I opened it and shook it around because the first thing you do when you get a letter with anthrax is to distribute it as evenly as possible around the office- a fan would be best. Luckily it was just a letter so I gave it to my boss. This happened.

BOSSLADY: You know, you don't have to open these. I don't want anything to happen to you.

ME: I'd take a bullet for you, [Bosslady].

Then she took her pants off. Kidding. She didn't but if you've been a long time reader of my blog you'd remember that story.

Anyway, I'm stocking up on Cipro.

Juicy Juice

Wow. This orange, grapefruit, carrot, ginger, lemon juice sure is interesting.

My Accountant

It's pretty good to have an accountant in your office who works for wine. I forgot that I have been donating to the ASPCA all year. Let me tell you- that stuff adds up. Thank goodness for needy animals and my soft spot for them. I'm up another $50. Woo hoo! I can buy fur pelts with this money.

Cat Fight

This Daily Show segment is amazing:

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Blamey Whinehouse

Barack Obama Interview
John McCain Interview

Sarah Palin Video
Funny Election Video

Mix Tape

Looks like Captain Fancypants AKA Osama Bin Laden has a new tape out and no, it's not of his greatest hits.

It's yet another tirade about God and jihad and challenging Obama and blah blah blah. I mean, it's getting kind of old. He's like the grandparent who won't shut up. We get it, you're hiding out somewhere commentating. Maybe you should get a job at ESPN Mr. Sidelines. Anyway, here's a translation:

"There is only one strong way to bring the return of Al-Aqsa and Palestine, and that is jihad in the path of God. The duty is to urge people to jihad and to enlist the youth into jihad brigades. Islamic nation, you are capable of defeating the Zionist entity with your popular capabilities and your great hidden strength _ without the support of (Arab) leaders and despite the fact that most of (the leaders) stand in the barracks of the Crusader-Zionist alliance."

He then went on to refer to Obama:

"Barack Obama [has received a] heavy inheritance, [two wars and] the collapse of the economy. So I am asking him, does he want a piece? Does he want a piece of me? For I shall bring it when I am feeling better. I can go head to head with you anytime, son. And I mean that in the [slang] way, not as if you were my actual son although people think that we are related. Oh, and I called, I want my name back. Yes, my [shit] is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S."

Now Casting

So I just got this casting alert.

Uhhhhhhhhhhh, if there are any doctors out there, specifically tracheotomists, who are are a. members of SAG and b. spend their spare time searching casting notices, just... just oh, forget it.

Many Gifts

So I got home last night to find two packages- one was a DVD from the SAG Awards committee- they want you to watch the movies before you vote so every year since I joined I've got some pretty sweet free stuff. Last night I got The Dark Knight which is good because I haven't seen it yet.

The SECOND package was sent by someone who knew that while I had this glorious queen bed and mattress, that I still had yet to buy nice sheets, so I was thrilled to open up a big bag and find this amazing set of gorgeous sheets. Thanks again!

AND THEN after I watched hours of backed up 24, I went to sleep only to wake up at 3 am because my dog was "ill" and needed to go outside because I made the mistake of housebreaking him. It was like, 20 below and windy as heck last night and I had to walk back and forth up the block.

And then he had to go again at 5.

This morning when I woke up I rolled over and he looked like he had just attended a frat house rush party. He's all, "No, you go ahead outside without me, I'm just gonna lay here and sleep." I forced that f@#ker to go on another walk just to be safe. Anyway. So it was a fun night overall but boy, am I a bit tired.

Looter? I Barely Even...Ah...

I haven't had a chance to talk about this Madoff dude, even though some people I know are actually directly affected by it. One of my co-workers luckily didn't have that much with him and by "that much" I mean "only a few millions". But let's get back to this Madoff guy.

How can a man steal from his family, charities and friends? Easy- he's a pathological sociopath.

Now when you hear the words "pathological sociopath" you imagine some foaming at the mouth, straight jacket wearing kook with rolly eyes and a crazy laugh. Not always so. They actually walk among us and live with us as if they were normal. The reason they pass as normal is because they are so convincing in their lies, people think they are harmless until they get caught, and then the fit really hits the shan.

When someone is able to lie to me with a straight face and in great detail, I actually feel a writhing pain in my stomach. My shrink likes to tell me that it is because I am authentic in my response to people which may or may not be a compliment per-se, but really is juat a marker of definition which means I have a low tolerance for bullshit. Some can overlook the insane, me, my skin actually crawls.

Harmless as these people may be on the outside it is what they are capable of that frightens me the most and that's where Madoff comes in again. He lied to his own family and closest friends. Because of his smooth talking sense of cool, thousands of people's lives are ruined. So you can go on and on about "how can someone do this?!?" but the truth is, these people exist and they have a very keen ability to assuage fears, bs and gain trust.

So who can you trust? I dunno- I generally go by gut and experience. Because to me even the smallest of odd lies a person is capable of telling points to an underlying ability to do much worse, and still sleep at night.

$10 says Madoff is taking a nap right now.

Speaking of naps, have I mentioned how comfortable my new mattress/bed is?

Oh Look

Somebody please caption this:

Meta Poetry

And now some poetry, courtesy of Joe/Sam "The Plumber" Wurzelwhattsit:

"I don't think journalists should be anywhere allowed war. I mean, you guys report where our troops are at. You report what's happening day to day. You make a big deal out of it. I think it's asinine. You know, I liked back in World War I and World War II when you'd go to the theater and you'd see your troops on, you know, the screen and everyone would be real excited and happy for them. Now everyone's got an opinion and wants to downer-and down soldiers. You know, American soldiers or Israeli soldiers."

Riiiiiiiiiiicola

"Hey Tempy, What'd you do last night?"

Oh, not much, just drank beer, ate sausage and totally played an Alpine Horn, the usual.

Why, what'd YOU do?

Tyra Mail

My new co-worker is a middle aged white woman. She went to a school to have a photo shoot done for an article about her work with inner city schools. Several of the kids asked her, "Are you Tyra Banks?"

I don't even know what to say about this.

Canadian Love

See, they just don't make sketches like these anymore.

Extra Money

It's amazing that how in Turbo Tax you change one liiiitle # and your return goes up like, tenfold.

I'm having our accountant revise it before I send it in.

TGIM!

What a weekend! I managed to assemble an entire bed that weighed like 3,437,356,277 lbs. and I did it in under an hour. Even the lesbians upstairs were impressed when they saw me lugging out the ginormous amounts of cardboard. They were bringing out their trash and were like, "Wow, it took us 4 hours to assemble our Ikea shelves. You did a bed?" And I'm all, "Yeah." And then they admired the enormity of the cardboard boxes. Well, you know whet they say- lesbians love boxes. Hey-OH! I also got a new mattress and it's pretty cute watching my foot tall, 4 foot long 11 year old dwarf dog trying to jump onto it. He can, but he has to back up like a cat and leap. He hasn't missed- yet.

Also, it took him but one hour to realize that the bed was indeed a Queen size which means he can stretch out as much as he likes and still barely touch my side.

This morning though I woke up and it was pretty clear that he missed snuggling next to me.

So... I really don't know why I bothered. But it's still pretty sweet.

Oh, and Sat night thanks to this guy I was able to crash the SNL after-after party which didn't even start 'till 4am and he hosted an awesome live band karaoke. It was pretty fun although something about the fact that it didn't end 'till the wee hours of the morning made me wish that I had a cocaine habit.

Anyway, I got to see these guys sing this live:

Jon Bovi- The exact OPPOSITE of Bon Jovi

Palin Drone

Anyone want to caption this photo?

Lunch Update

Almonds were accidentally placed in my salad today and it is surprisingly delightful.

Gosh Darn

Times may be tough, but at least this lady is not our VP:



Speaking of politics, my new co-worker had to "run to Washington DC for a day" on Wednesday and then yesterday came back with white house cocktail napkins and then I was informed that she was, you know, invited to the White House for dinner just cuz.

Me Dumb Email. Me Cat.

With emails like this, please remind me again why I joined the ASPCA?

It's Magic

Did you guys know Mormons are hot? Here is their calendar. Um...

Face This

Dear Tempy:

What's up with all the douchebags on Facebook?

- Quizzical in Queens

Well, Quizical, I have found that as a whole because of the good anti-spamming action there are a lot less d-bags on Fabebook than MySpace. If you're referring to the people whose only accomplishments in life are commenting on things inappropriately on walls and photos on Facebook, mooching off their acquaintances and and turning beer into urine, I cannot help you with that. In my opinion blocking was only invented for people's general safety and not as a way to exacerbate the fact that that person's weird behavior exists in the first place. What I'd do is just remind yourself that while said person may collect people on their page like Pokemon cards, they will never understand the definition of friendship.

If all else fails, there is an application you can join that allows you to send someone a "kick in the nuts", but I find a nice Superpoke in the eye works as well.

Sleepy Puppy

Now how on EARTH am I supposed to get anything done today with CuteThingsFallingAsleep.org?

She Take My Money

I don't even know if I can begin to tell you how or why but somehow I ended up in a Vera Wang wedding gown last night and dancing onstage to "Gold Digger". I need more water.

Brr-eow

So because I am a terrible dog owner I forgot I ran out of dog food and had to borrow cat food from the neighbor. Oh, he loved it. Then he rolled over, batted at a ball of yarn and took a crap in the flower pot.

Ann Coulter Loves the Left

So I'm sure you are all aware of my dislike for Ann Coulter because she plays this role of right wing nut when really she has a thing for the left.

I befriended a man a few years ago and if by "befriend" you mean "he came into my bar sometimes". A country musician, he also started hosting a live band country karaoke night at the bar down the street. I would attend with my friends and ex-bosslady and as I got to know this person, I also learned he is a very left leaning liberal cowboy. So on one particular Monday night at 3 AM the subject of Ann Coluter came up from someone random at the bar and I was like, "Ho boy- there's a nut job." The man called me over, leaned in and said, "Oh, she's full of it. Deep down she loves liberals. Go ahead- google my name." And I was like, hahha! Wow, you are weird! So I did:

This is what I found.

When I saw him later I asked him what the heck had actually happened. Turns out they were neighbors or something, and she found him attractive and he went out for coffee with her and they hung out a bit but it didn't turn into anything and that she was actually very nice and respected his views. Then again something tells me she was acting like a dude on a date who listens to the girl talk all about feelings and ponies and stuff and the whole time he's like, "I just want to get her into bed, so smile and nod when she talks about Project Runway."

So 'till this day when I see her on the news making money off of those who feed off of hateful rhetoric, I think about this guy and know that deep down, she is full of crap.

Oh, and while I have your attention I'd like to take this time once again to remind everyone that Bill O'Reilly once asked a girl if he could rub her privates with a falafel. That is all.

Pace This

This just happened:

Me: Sorry about your grandmother.

Bosslady: Yeah, well she was 96.

Me: How'd she die?

Bosslady: Honestly... her pacemaker broke down a few months ago and uh, they just didn't see the point in replacing it.

Me: Ah.

Bosslady: Yeah.

Me: Wow. So...

Bosslady: They just decided to 'wind her down', so to speak.

Oy

If you missed the Rock of Love 3- Tour Bus premiere last night, I can't even begin to tell you what you missed. But if you have to see anything from it, you need to see watch this strung out girl during elimination. WARNING- This is really sad/horrible/weird/funny/bad

Little Piggy

Facebook is weird enough as it is but what really gets me are the ads. Like this one, for example.
I mean, I'm sure companies want you to try their products for free- that I believe- but what what in god's balls is that woman putting on her eye? Is it instant eye shadow or is it just a cosmetics towelette? Is she putting make up on or taking it off? Why am I so confused? Maybe it's because I went on an all day bacon marathon yesterday and nothing makes sense anymore.

It all started off at a friend's brunch- let's just call them Satthew and Mamantha. I hit this big plate of bacon they had there because I could and I have no shame. I had a little fruit and egg product, but I'm not gonna lie, I ate a messload of bacon.

After overstaying our welcome, a bunch of us went to this restaurant where they serve huge slabs of smoked bacon as like, an entree. Who's the little piggie? This gal.

So when I went home much later, full of bacon and scotch, I went home and made this:


Strangely enough I feel fine. On an unrelated note I have grown a tiny tail.