Happy Pranky!

In the spirit of April Fools Day tomorrow, you might want to check this prank out- it's a reverse prank to a telemarketer:

Watch It

So just in case you might want to be super nice to your IT guy tomorrow. There may or may not be some crazy virus in your computer already. I did the scan and I am clean, and now I feel like I've just left the dentist with no cavities.

Tears Of A Stripper Clown

This is awesome, namely because my friend is in it- he's the clown:

Les Caterpillars

As I was at the gym this morning, working my hot body, I noticed on the news that hundreds of workers at the Caterpillar company in France took their bosses hostage after news of proposed layoffs. Honestly, that sounds like another Victor Hugo novel inspired Broadway Musical. Who knows, maybe it will be.

La Révolution de l'Caterpillar

To be sung to the tune of Do You Hear the People Sing from Les Misérables
You can sing along to the full karaoke track here.

FACTORY WORKER 1
Well you say you'll lay us off?
I tell you not upon our life
We have an anger inside of us
Hotter than Sarkozy's wife

When the tractors they do stop,
And the pink slip, she does come
To your bourgeoisie pig slop
We will not succumb!

FACTORY WORKER 2
Will you join our worthy cause?
Or will you be a big putain?
Beyond the next few days
Will you stand and see us through?

Then join in the fight
Or we will just say, "je m’en fou"!

ALL
See the Caterpillars reign!
As we fight through the trough
Though the Bougie pigs may try
You cannot lay us off!
So we stand together now
And until the end of time
Or at least as long as it takes
'Till we're out of wine!

The BSA's

Today's Bitch Slap Award goes to Katherine Heigl! She was recently quoted about doing TV and movies, saying, "I'm more than happy to make that compromise. As my agent likes to say, 'High-class problems.' I don't know if I want to continue for five years working 12 months a year, but I can take at least another year or two."

Hey Katherine guess what? Not only are you employed, but most ordinary humans in this country actually work 12 months out of the year! It's called "a job". Not to mention the fact that you get paid a ridiculous amount of money for it! So congratulations Katherine Heigl, you richly deserve a big old bitch slap. Maybe when you are done slaving away, you can drop on by to receive it- don't let the children working in illegal sweatshops to make your fancy duds slow you down.

Hi Neighbor

LilKim2thaJ (1:46:21 PM): Haaaay! Is this Defense Sec'y Rob Gates?

LilKim2thaJ (1:46:38 PM): It's me, Kim Jong ILLIN hahhahahha

DefSecyR_Gates (1:46:48 PM): oh hi again

LilKim2thaJ (1:48:08 PM): whaddap?

DefSecyR_Gates (1:53:34 PM): u tell me.

LilKim2thaJ (1:55:36 PM): HHA LOLOLOLOLOLOLOZZZZZZ1111!!!!! Is this about that missile I mean SATELLITE ha

DefSecyR_Gates (2:03:45 PM): oh jeez

LilKim2thaJ (2:05:21 PM): c'mon u kno I won't do anything BAD

DefSecyR_Gates (2:10:09 PM): Mr. Jong Il,

LilKim2thaJ (2:12:49 PM): Lil Kim pleeze

DefSecyR_Gates (2:18:29 PM): Sir

DefSecyR_Gates (2:40:30 PM): really

LilKim2thaJ (2:42:52 PM): I love her muuusic

DefSecyR_Gates (2:43:59 PM): Sir, respectfully

LilKim2thaJ (2:44:40 PM): whaddap with C Brown and Rihanna? That sux. I like hers tuff

LilKim2thaJ (2:46:04 PM): I mean her stuff

DefSecyR_Gates (2:49:16 PM): Mr. Jong I

LilKim2thaJ (2:51:27 PM): Lil Kim

DefSecyR_Gates (3:05:19 PM): ok Lil Kim

LilKim2thaJ (3:08:05 PM): Sir Lil Kim

DefSecyR_Gates (3:13:13 PM): Oh Jesus

LilKim2thaJ (3:15:34 PM): No, Sir Lil Kim

DefSecyR_Gates (3:20:05 PM): Sir Lil Kim,

LilKim2thaJ (3:23:35 PM): yes Bobby

DefSecyR_Gates (3:24:22 PM): seriously irf its a missile we will shoot it down

LilKim2thaJ (3:47:56 PM): it's not a missile.

LilKim2thaJ (3:48:56 PM): "It's not a tumor" ahhhah did u see that one the movie where your Governor of Cali is a kindergarten cop

LilKim2thaJ (3:49:56 PM): I love that movei

LilKim2thaJ (3:50:56 PM): u guys make good movies

DefSecyR_Gates signed off at 9:18:08 AM

Yay Weekend

Whew, it's finally the end of the day. I just about made it. Now enjoy your weekend.

Leave It To The South Park

NOW I get it!

How High

Holy nutb#@%s. This story is all over right now.

In a related story, a co-worker of mine actually showed up with a belt buckle with a huge pot leaf on it, and since she's not from this country she had no idea of its connotations. After the laughter died down, my Bosslady took it to try it on.

Why are these stories related? Bosslady is going to try to wear it on the air tonight. Seriously- she's wearing it right now.

About Last Night: Irish Blood, English Awesome

Wow. Wow. I don't know what to say. Morrissey was fantastic last night. There's a reason that man is a living legend. He opened up with This Charming Man and it just got better and better from there.

I'll write more later- I'm just still either drunk or hungover, and reminiscing about the concert. I'm also waiting for my bacon, egg and cheese. PS I know the song below is his one cheesy radio hit but you can't deny it is one damn good song. Yeah, this happened:

'Nuff Said

Really, People

I don't understand how these people can run a many million dollar hedge fund, but can't successfully pass around a wedding card to be signed without my help.

Got Leid?

Someone has too much time on their hands! Oh, wait- that's me.

So a co-worker is getting married in Hawaii and none of us can make it so we're throwing her a wedding/birthday party today (since she will be away on her honeymoon during her birthday). We bought her the little bride and groom thing that goes on a cake and I made them teeny tiny lei's. OK, it's pretty cute.

Is it 5 yet?

F@#k Yeah

So I am going to see Morrissey live at Carnegie Hall tonight! Boy am I excited. I've got my "going out" clothes in my bag right now because when you hit Carnegie Hall you have to do it right. I'm pretty sure the crowd is going to be full of aging hipsters, or as I like to call them, My People. And now, a little something for you all:

Obama Paintings

OK this wins:

Um, Really?

Stop. Just stop what you're doing. Go onto BadPaintingsofBarackObama.com.

Answer This

On the subject of bad taste, let's talk about a few things that happened this week (these are true):

1. There is a new iPhone app where you can be the pilot on Sully's USAirways landing in the Hudson river.

2. Ashton Kutcher took a sneak photo of his wife's butt in her panties and POSTED IT ON TWITTER.

3. An iPhone mugger takes a picture of himself and accidentally emails it to the victim's email account. He is promptly arrested.

OK wow what a week. But nothing beats these ridiculous Facebook quizzes- do you know which ones I am talking about? "What City Should You Live In?" "What 80's Band Are You?" "Who Would Be Your Celebrity Boyfriend?" etc. They go on forever. Facebook's gone from a social networking/stalking tool to a flashing screen of bells and whistles. If I wanted to go to a circus I'd see Britney Spears' new show. Now THAT looks like fun.

Luckily, there are some things that everyone agree go too far. Here is a list of facebook quizzes that were recently pulled:

• Whose Celebrity Beard Would You Be?
• Which European Country Would You Occupy If You Were a Soldier in Nazi Germany?
• What Kind of Special Olympic Sport Would You Excel At If You Were Retarded?
• Know It All Challenge: How Much Do YOU Know About The Jonestown Massacre?
• Do You Have A Life Outside Of Facebook?
• What Type Of Street Drug Are You Most Like? (this may exist)
• What Kind of Vietnam War Veteran Would You Be?
• Are You A True White Separatist?
• If You Were A Stem Cell, What Disease Would You Like To Cure If Your Parents Decided They've Had Enough Children and Not To Bring You To Fruition And You Were Donated To Science?
• Where Is That Gerbil?
  

Hoffin' Clean

I took yesterday off you guys- sorry if there was any panic. I had to take care of some things, namely, where on earth can I buy this- reeeowr!

Portia DeSorry

I'm sorry, just when I thought Portia DeRossi couldn't get any hotter, she had to go ahead and do this.

Twitter? I...

I personally am not the biggest fan of Twitter, but reading the celeb's updates are always a good time. Right now I'm following John Mayer, Ashton Kutcher and Heidi Montag. But no one- no one beats the person who is behind Christopher Walken's Twitter page. Unlike the others, this is clearly not him. Sadly, John, Heidi and Ashton's are real.

Wet Dog

Someone I went to college with is using this as their Facebook image and I love it.

Face It

I'm beginning to question how I know this person:

Everyone's A Comedian

The story of the Brazilian Wandering Spider, the deadliest spider in the world that was found in a Whole Foods in Tulsa, as told by a comedian:

"Whoa guys, have you heard about this one? Last week in Tulsa some guy who works produce at Whole Foods notices that a shipment of bananas from Honduras came with a deadly spider. Now, if I were him, I wouldn't be pissed about the spider. I'd be pissed that I have to work opening up banana boxes at Whole Foods!

And I mean, this poisonous spider?!? It's called the Brazilian Wandering Spider- seriously I am not making this up. I mean, really- more like the Brazilian Flying Cargo Spider! But seeing as how it took a trip stowed away in a box of bananas to America I'd call it an illegal immigrant! Wandering- more like seeking out a new life! And Brazilian? The last time I opened up a BOX and saw a BRAZILIAN I was one happy guy IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!"

But It's True

If you are thinking of getting into a new book, I highly recommend this one:

Beautiful Nature

Today as I was walking my dog I looked up and saw remnants of old birds nests in almost every tree on my street. It was really beautiful and I was shocked at how many there were. This is either a reminder that you should always look up every once in a while and marvel at mother nature, or just another sign that my neighborhood is terribly popular.

New Message

According to a source on the internet, Osama Bin Laden had released another message. Here is the translation from Al Jazeera, the Arabic language news network, which was dropped off by a really tall, lanky guy pushing a dialysis machine and brandishing a resume.

Translation: "Hey guys, it's me again, the big OBL. So I was just thinking it's been a while since you heard from me so here I am. Still alive, still, hanging out. TOTALLY NOT DEAD YET. So, yeah. That's kind of about it so... everything's good. Feeling strong. Funny thing happenned- I went to my Dr. to get a physical and I told him, Doc, it hurts when I raise my hand above my head so my Doc says, 'Then stop doing it!' Hahhahhaa! It's actually an old joke. That did not really happen. Whoo. So... I know we are in a kind of a recession and I think you should know that I'm available for work. Just part time. But not office work, I couldn't deal with anything mundane like that. I'm not being too picky but as long as the hours are flexible, I get some benefits and the work is extremely evil, I'll be happy. Just something small- to make ends meet. It's tough out there!

So, yeah, that's really about all I have... oh, I also am calling for Somalia's new president to be overthrown. Ok, good- had to get that in there. Almost forgot! Well, yeah, I hope you are all miserable. Talk to you soon."

Check Time

This is quite possibly the coolest way to write a check ever. Note the subject line. Wish I was this good at math.

Well That Sucks

I don't know why I found this headline so funny. Maybe it's because they voted her off BECAUSE she's a single mother. But seriously did anyone watch that? What do you think about this whole "sing one last time and we'll maybe but probably not save you"? I know they're just keeping that card around for Simon's girlfriend Megan. I swear, when she sings and she twists her torso around and her limp arms fly, she looks just like one of those drum things Mr. Miyagi gives Daniel in Karate Kid 2: Escape to Okinawa.

Show Time

You guys this show looks like it's gonna be AWESOME.

Meow Meow

Who throws a cat at someone? Who? This bitch.

American Recap

And now, a recap of last night's American Idol.

Seacrest: We're back and THIS is American Idol and I AM Ryan Seacrest. This week is country week with our guest coach Randy "Blinding White Teeth" Travis! First up we have oil rigger and proud Southerner, Michael Sarver.

*Montage* Sarver VO: Hi, I'm Michael Sarver, and I'm an oil rigger. When I first met Randy Travis I just about jizzed myself, because as a read blue collared American Randy Travis is to me what a pile of opiates are to Paula Abdul.

Seacrest: Singing some dumb song with a lot of words, Michael Sarver!

*some dumb song with a lot of words*

CUT TO

Seacrest: And now we have Broadway/Rocker/Satan's Tool, Adam Lambert!

*Montage* Lambert VO: When I first met Randy Travis he looked at me like I had just roasted his own mother on a bed of coals made with an au jus of ostrich blood and holy water.

Travis: I thought he was a right old fag.

Lambert: I'm going to sing Ring of Fire but add my own twist to it by going all sitar crazy on it.

*sings ring of fire*

Cowell: Adam, I'm not sure what to make of that. I mean, it was like an Indian guru met a hedgehog and decided to vocalize while sliding down a huge Tom & Jerry style cheese grater.

Lambert: Thank you.

Cowell: Adam, that's not necessarily a compliment, you are frightening, weird, unpredictable, dismal, self absorbed...

Lambert: Thank you so much.

Cowell: I'm not done. Creepy, Marilyn Manson meets Liza Minelli...

Lambert: Wow, thanks.

Cowell: I give up.

CUT TO:

Seacrest: Ladies and gentleman, the widower you love to love, the man who recently lost his soulmate, the lonely, heartbroken man with talent like no other who lacks for nothing but his dead wife, Danny Gokey!

Gokey: I fucking hate you.

CUT TO:

Seacrest: And now, the hottest Indian since Dev Patel, Anoop Desai!

*Montage* Desai VO: I always imagined myself in a room with Randy Travis, but in that dream, there is a lot more velvet and a lot less clothing.

Travis: I'm sorry, I can't really see you over my blinding teeth.

Seacrest: And now, Anoop-da-loop-a-doop!

*Some slow song*

Abdul: That was amazing! You are back in the Creamed Pants Club!

Cowell: Paula, seriously?

Jackson: I don't know, there's still something about you that makes me think that my IT guy is singing to me.

Desai: What?

Seacrest: Anoop, look on the bright side. At least you didn't get married only to have your wife suddenly die from a mysterious illness.

Gokey: I swear to god I'm going to fucking kill you.

Seacrest: Later in the show- that guy who is the most talented but will get voted off anyway!

Matt Giraud waves

Results, according to DialIdol:

Ah Decadence

Dear guy next door,

You're killing me with these homemade mint chocolate brownies.

Best,

Tempy

Ha Ha

Happy St. Patrick's Day a@#face! Here's a bunch of Shamrocks for you to ruin. We'll give you 8 years.

Archenemy Deluxe

Palin4Pres2012 (10:51:51 AM): Who's that?

TheMacAttack (10:53:07 AM): Oh, hi Sarah

Palin4Pres2012 (10:54:12 AM): McCain?

TheMacAttack (10:57:36 AM): Yeah

Palin4Pres2012 (10:58:47 AM): Hi!

TheMacAttack (11:00:24 AM): Hey

Palin4Pres2012 (11:02:56 AM): Wow

TheMacAttack (11:04:24 AM): yeah

Palin4Pres2012 (11:05:19 AM): LOL

TheMacAttack (11:06:46 AM): just learning how to use this thing

Palin4Pres2012 (11:08:05 AM): it's fun!

TheMacAttack (11:10:31 AM): I'm also on the Twatter

Palin4Pres2012 (11:13:41 AM): u mean Twitter

TheMacAttack (11:14:49 AM): ???

TheMacAttack (11:23:20 AM): oh whoops

Palin4Pres2012 (11:34:41 AM): hahahha

TheMacAttack (11:36:40 AM): so how ru

Palin4Pres2012 (11:38:59 AM): GREAT! Bristol is doing GREAT!!!

TheMacAttack (11:42:24 AM): oh right heard about that

TheMacAttack (11:50:26 AM): sorry I really thought it would work

Palin4Pres2012 (11:50:30 AM): ya

TheMacAttack (11:50:37 AM): LBYB

Palin4Pres2012 (11:51:35 AM): what's that?

TheMacAttack (11:57:15 AM): nothing

Palin4Pres2012 (11:58:46 AM): no that's Laughing Behind Yer Back

TheMacAttack (12:00:21 PM): no it's not

Palin4Pres2012 (12:02:49 PM): yes it is

TheMacAttack (12:03:33 PM): no it's not it's Look Babe You're Beautiful

Palin4Pres2012 (12:03:57 PM): oh… hahahhahah!!!! Thx!

TheMacAttack (12:04:00 PM): haha

TheMacAttack (12:04:05 PM): well anyway, gotta go twat

Palin4Pres2012 (12:05:46 PM): WHAT?

TheMacAttack (12:06:15 PM): I mean tweet

Palin4Pres2012 (12:06:21 PM): hahahah coolz cu later!!!

Palin4Pres2012 (12:06:29 PM): byee!

TheMacAttack signed off at 12:07:14 PM.

Go Green

Ok, since I only got a response about the movie project AFTER I left work, I couldn't do the script, ok? And now that my online Scrabble partner is back at work today, I might be extremely distracted after I do the 2 hours of "me time" work so hold your horses. In the interim, happy St. Patrick's Day. Let's get s@#tcanned.

Day Quil?

Ono- I feel a cold coming on...

A Cutie!

Hello! My name is Mozart and I am a Winter White Russian Dwarf Hamster!


"Hamster" in German means "hoarder". I have a lot of toys!


Sometimes my mommy takes me to a little park.


She is the loneliest woman in the world!


No seriously, get me the f$%k out of here.

New Project

Hey guys- check this out. I have a new game. If you give me a small synopsis of a short film you'd like to see, put it in the comments section and by the end of the day I will have written a script and posted it here. Original ideas only, please.

My boss is on vacation, ok, and I have already done everything to do on my to do list involving me so I have some free time.

Scam Mail

This weekend I got one of those ridiculous scammer emails but normally I can tolerate the Nigerian prince one because, well, it's just silly. But this one was so wrong for so many reasons:

"Hello,

I hope my e-mail find you well. I need your assistance. My name is Sgt Joey Jones, I am an American soldier with the 3rd Armored Cavalry Regiment in IRAQ for the United States,we have $25,000,000.00, that is in our Possession and we are ready to move it out of the country.

The Money is part of the one we seized from late Saddam Hussein, but was not declared. My colleague and I need a good partner someone we can trust to actualize this Venture,but we are moving it through Diplomatic way to your house directly. Your share is 40% while 60% is for me and my colleague.

Sincerely,
Sgt Joey Jones.
sgtjon_jonse2@windowslive.com"

First of all, notice how he puts IRAQ in all caps like "In case you are skimming this email I am using the "I" word, yeah that's right, automatically you have to listen because I am in IRAQ." Also, I'm pretty sure "possession" is not a proper noun so I don't know why that's capitalized. Neither are "money", "venture" or "diplomatic" but I think we can already assume that whoever is writing this clearly is an idiot so I digress.

What really get me is not only is this obviously fake, but the fact that the creator a. made this person a soldier and b. made this person a crooked soldier stealing illegally seized money is pretty awful. Especially in these tough economic times where that imaginary money could actually go to some good, oh but no it can't because that money is STOLEN. But then again, I remind you, he is in IRAQ and it is in their Possession with a capital "P" so you know he means Business.

These people make me ill. But the kicker is, people actually fall for this.

Happy Friday

This is great.

WTF

I almost live blogged from the post office line from my iPhone but for some reason the line went extremely fast. I had no idea the 3G network also worked on post office lines.

Hello Stranger

Oh, hello Post Office. It's been a while.

Floss Away

Well this is... interesting.

Scientists in Thailand have found that monkeys are teaching their young how to floss their teeth. Using human hair. Apparently the monkeys just started doing it and it caught like wildfire. The monkeys use exaggerated motions when their kids are around, as if how to teach them. I don't know what's weirder- that scientists are shocked parent monkeys teach children monkey behavior or that a monkey takes better care of its teeth than I do.

Playing House

Well this is really awkward- did you hear Bristol and Levi broke up a month or so ago? It's official. Watching this recent interview now where Sarah Palin happens to quite literally take over the spotlight, and her daughter's pained reaction to some brutally honest answers is pretty awful. Enjoy!

Lil Dawg

Aw jeez someone beat me over the head with a cute stick.

Oh Bernie!

Hey guys, I found this hilarious article from 8 years ago all about how Bernie Madoff makes all his money!

Un Follow

So a long time ago I joined Twitter even though I really don't get it but apparently it's the only way to contact anyone on CNN and everyone loves it. I never use it but then Raymi joined and so I went to see who she "follows" and Heidi Montag was among hers so I went ahead and "followed" Heidi and now this bitch won't stop talking about three things: parties, skin care products and the lord.

Oh Twitter

Flippy Floppy

Can someone please buy me these for Hawaii? They're flip flops with a place to stash your Adderall.

Speaking of Adderall, you should read this guy's recap of American Idol last night (some outtakes):

"I missed many of the slaughters (they call them performances) on American Idle last night, because I was in my kitchen madly trying to recreate the secret nectar that fills Paula Abdul's Coke cup. I'm guessing it's a mixture of NyQuil, an entire Vicodin bottle, venom from a cold hearted snake... and a spoonful of leche from Simon's fur titties. Whatever it is, it had that ho riding high above the stage on a bright purple winged pony. This bitch was seeing magical doves flying through the studio. That would explain her outfit. I think one of those doves dived into her chest to try to stop her madness!...Paula was in HIGH form last night. Bitch declared every whore with a mic the winner. When Adam Lambert performed, she totally saw him as a glittery giant Adderall pill...Where did the producers do most of their scouting this season? In a damn broccoli patch?"

People, Seriously

Wow. Somebody just Google searched this and it lead to my blog:

"dogs that look like Tatiana Del Toro"

Your Idol

According to Dial Idol, Jorge Nunez will be the first to go tonight. Hey, the Puerto Rican thing didn't work for Tatiana, I don't know why he thinks he'll get a free ride. Sorry, dude. Now I actually didn't watch it last night but I'm guessing it went something like this.

*Music. Lights. Spinning faceless computer generated radiating person. Cheers, Applause.*

Seacrest: 13 contestants. One night. It's finally down to you guys as the top 13 battle it out to be your idol. I'm Ryan Seacrest and THIS is American Idol."

*Music: Badabadabadabadabadareeeeeowwww...*

Coca Cola commercial

McDonald's Fillet of Fish Commercial

Coca Cola Commercial

*Back to show*

Seacrest: We are back, and I am Ryan Seacrest. Now, let's meet the judges. First we have randy Jackson in the house.

Jackson: Dog pound baby! Yeah yeah yeah! That was hot!

Seacrest: Next we have miss Kara DiGuardi.

DiGuardi: What is up?! Hahha! Hi guys. What's up.

Seacrest: The LOVELY Paula Abdul.

Abdul: *waves*

Seacrest: And finally, the man we love to hate, the one who is the main spear in our poorly masked sexually awkward verbal spars, the Ennis to my Jack, the straight man to my gay man, the theoretical penis in my metaphorical butt, Mr. Simon Cowell!!!

Cowell: Hello GayCrest.

Seacrest: Hahhah! Oh, Simon, you're just saying that because you haven't gone out on any good dates in a while.

Cowell: That's what your girlfriend said.

Seacrest: Hey OH!!! That made no sense! Anyway, last week we surprised you all with bringing in 13 contestants. Well let me just say that tonight, we are bringing back one more..... Tatiana DelToro.

DelToro: (runs on stage, laughing, crying, screaming, shaking) OMG! Ah want to thank y'all out there so much! Yee haw!

Seacrest: Tatiana, what is up with the Southern accent?

DelToro: Well, lahk, Puerto Rico is close to Texas y'all and I'm a true blue country girl! Like that other chick who made it through! Whoop!

Seacrest: Well Tatiana, I have another surprise for you.

DelToro: Yeah?

Seacrest: We're only kidding, you're not back on the show.

Tatiana: What?

Seacrest: Yeah, sorry.

*Tatiana falls in a heap on the floor and self combusts*

Seacrest: When we get back from the break we'll hear from our future winner, Danny Gokey! Did you know his wife died?

Gokey: Seriously? Are we really going to talk about this again?

Seacrest: It's in my contract, Danny, that I at bring her up at least three times, and try to get you to talk about it with leading questions like, "Who do you wish could have just seen your performance?" That kind of stuff.

Gokey: I f@#king hate you.

Seacrest: What are you going to sing?

Gokey: November Rain.

Seacrest: Okay, now, seriously?

Gokey: Go fuck yourself.

Seacrest: Hahha!

Cowell: Now you're just making this too easy.

Lotsa Letters

Help! What should I do next? Hmmm...

It's Getting Hot in Here

I'm sorry, what?

Sing Sing

No, Bosslady, no I don't think a trip to a karaoke bar would be a good office wedding shower location. We all are aged in ranges from early 30's to mid 50's, none of us really hang out together and, oh, you couldn't handle the heat that would radiate from me.

i This

So I finally got an iPhone. Yes. Yes, thank you. Thank you. My wonderful friends bought it for me. I know. Thank you. Yes, you can all take your seats now. Thank you for that rousing applause of "welcome to the World of The Now". It was weird giving up my rotary phone with the cord, not lugging it around anymore... Now I've got this crazy machine. I already love it more than I could a human baby.

The problem is, I have asked people to text me a message with their name so I can easily add the #'s. At least 3 people have emailed me their #'s. Ah, we can only advance so much. Sadly the iPhone cannot make your friends more attentive.

Oh Hello

I can guarantee you this is not going to end well.

It's A Birthday - With Sleeves!

I had an amazing weekend! Thanks for asking! I had a ridiculously fun party on Saturday and my incredible friends gave me an iPhone! I'm finally in the 21st century. I also got a Barcak Obama action figure, a Kenneth Cole bag and these high end ear buds that not only give you the option of different sizes for you ear canal, but in between uses it actually does your dishes. But Sunday was pretty special too- some friends and I got all super dressed up, and I even got my nails did. Then we went to this gorgeous new place called Clover Club, which we affectionately call Cloverfield after that horrible monster that destroys New York, although this place was a lot nicer and less violent than the movie. And the pièce de résistance was dinner at an old neighborhood Italian standby, Marco Polo. Let's just say my meal got tossed in a gigantic cheese wheel- it just doesn't get any better than that.

Or maybe it does. Because just when I thought my birthday couldn't get any better my friends presented me with a Snuggie™. It's a lot like those airplane blankets but with sleeves. Wow. I was honestly speechless. Thanks, everyone.

Woof Woof!

So not only will I be staying in a LGBT/nudist resort in Hawaii, but the weekend we're there the resort is hosting guests and their dogs for an AKC dog show. I wonder if the dogs will be gay.

Seriously Girl?

OK people, let's talk Tatiana, shall we? Who else watched American Idol last night and was like, seriously? Faking an accent just to get Jorge Nunez creds? That lady had no accent whatsoever for weeks and all of a sudden last night she sounded like she just learned English. Watch these snippets from after Hollywood week, and then last night.

Boxed In

Hey guys, I just ordered a bunch of wine:


But seriously folks, let's play a game.

It's Not Bradgelina

It's prom season! (It's not) And what better way to celebrate than Guess the Prom Couple?!? Who is this now famous couple?

Clothes For Everyone!

This just happened:

*ring ring*

Me: Hello

Nanny: Hi, is Bosslady there? Her daughter wants to ask her a question.

Me: Let me check. Hmmm she's in a meeting. Is it important?

Daughter: Huh?

Me: Oh, hi. It's me, [Tempy].

Daughter: Hi.

Me: Do you need to talk to your mom? She's in a meeting but I can interrupt her.

Daughter: No. It's ok.

Nanny: Hello? No need for her to call back. She just had a question.

Me: Well, what is it?

Nanny: [Daughter] wants to buy a bathing suit and I just wanted to make sure it's ok.

Me: Oh, I'm sure it's fine. Does she need one?

Nanny: Well she only has hand me downs from [other daughter].

Me: Aw heck! Buy her the bathing suit! How much?

Nanny: $28.

Me: Shoot, buy her 2. I don't care. Buy her whatever she wants. I'll tell [Bosslady] I said so.

Nanny: Really? Great!

Me: Anytime.

Oh Dear

So when we go to Hawaii, not only are we staying at a LGBT resort, thanks to my drunk sister who bid on it at a charity auction but had no idea what the place was, but apparently it is also "clothing optional".

We're staying at a nudist lesbian/gay/bisexual/transgendered resort. Now THIS is what I call a party.

Real Ruff

This is amazing:

Mmmmmmmmm Chicken

I think I'd try deep frying it first.

Cards, Cupcakes

Hey my co-workers pulled a fast one on me! Since it's another girl's birthday tomorrow and there is the "monthly office meeting" the first Tues. of every month (which I don't have to go to, thank you very much), they've been talking about just celebrating both our birthday's on Tuesday. But then they threw me a little surprise party!

I got a Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana card:

And the flowers have strangely multiplied. Whoopee! Achoo!

Team Work

If you get a chance to watch this, this is AMAZING. These anchors have been working together for a long time. Apparently they've found ways to keep work interesting:

Have A Gay Old Time

So I got an early gift on Saturday from my sister. Let me just go back for a bit- a few weeks ago she was at a benefit and won at 3 night stay at the penthouse suite of this fancy hotel in HAWAII. AND she's paying for airfare. Shut up! It's gonna be super sweet. It's a 1,000 square foot penthouse with a private lanai and a jacuzzi, across the street from a private 4 mile white sand beach, free champagne, massages, etc. Wow.

OK, there's one catch. When my sister woke up the next morning she realized that the hotel, the Maui Sunseeker, is a Lesbian/Gay/Bisexual/Transgendered resort. Oh man. This is going to be an awesome trip.

Yay Foliage!

I just got flowers! There's nothing better than getting a delivery with your name on it. They're from my mom- so pretty, right? The great thing about having flowers on your desk is that everyone then knows it's your birthday.


Now I don't have to rely on this pin I'm wearing:

Oh BTW, It's My Birthday

Hey guys! Thanks for the birthday ecards! As promised I would be posting the creative cards my friends have made me and here's some I received:

From my sister (I blocked out my name just to keep the crazies out). Look at me with QT! True story, I've actually met the guy:



And this is from my friend Lynne! It's a bit funnier if you know the backstory about it, but enjoy:



Finally, from Miss Raymi! This one is adorable, and the likeness of me is uncanny:

Thanks guys! And if you don't know, there is a massive blizzard in NY today which is cool because I love snow and it feels like a big birthday present from either God or maybe a nimbostratus cloud- who knows. Here is my dog this morning in the snow!



Hope you all have a great day. Thanks for all your birthday wishes!!!