American Recap

And now, a recap of last night's American Idol.

Seacrest: We're back and THIS is American Idol and I AM Ryan Seacrest. This week is country week with our guest coach Randy "Blinding White Teeth" Travis! First up we have oil rigger and proud Southerner, Michael Sarver.

*Montage* Sarver VO: Hi, I'm Michael Sarver, and I'm an oil rigger. When I first met Randy Travis I just about jizzed myself, because as a read blue collared American Randy Travis is to me what a pile of opiates are to Paula Abdul.

Seacrest: Singing some dumb song with a lot of words, Michael Sarver!

*some dumb song with a lot of words*

CUT TO

Seacrest: And now we have Broadway/Rocker/Satan's Tool, Adam Lambert!

*Montage* Lambert VO: When I first met Randy Travis he looked at me like I had just roasted his own mother on a bed of coals made with an au jus of ostrich blood and holy water.

Travis: I thought he was a right old fag.

Lambert: I'm going to sing Ring of Fire but add my own twist to it by going all sitar crazy on it.

*sings ring of fire*

Cowell: Adam, I'm not sure what to make of that. I mean, it was like an Indian guru met a hedgehog and decided to vocalize while sliding down a huge Tom & Jerry style cheese grater.

Lambert: Thank you.

Cowell: Adam, that's not necessarily a compliment, you are frightening, weird, unpredictable, dismal, self absorbed...

Lambert: Thank you so much.

Cowell: I'm not done. Creepy, Marilyn Manson meets Liza Minelli...

Lambert: Wow, thanks.

Cowell: I give up.

CUT TO:

Seacrest: Ladies and gentleman, the widower you love to love, the man who recently lost his soulmate, the lonely, heartbroken man with talent like no other who lacks for nothing but his dead wife, Danny Gokey!

Gokey: I fucking hate you.

CUT TO:

Seacrest: And now, the hottest Indian since Dev Patel, Anoop Desai!

*Montage* Desai VO: I always imagined myself in a room with Randy Travis, but in that dream, there is a lot more velvet and a lot less clothing.

Travis: I'm sorry, I can't really see you over my blinding teeth.

Seacrest: And now, Anoop-da-loop-a-doop!

*Some slow song*

Abdul: That was amazing! You are back in the Creamed Pants Club!

Cowell: Paula, seriously?

Jackson: I don't know, there's still something about you that makes me think that my IT guy is singing to me.

Desai: What?

Seacrest: Anoop, look on the bright side. At least you didn't get married only to have your wife suddenly die from a mysterious illness.

Gokey: I swear to god I'm going to fucking kill you.

Seacrest: Later in the show- that guy who is the most talented but will get voted off anyway!

Matt Giraud waves

Results, according to DialIdol: