Totally Get It Now

"As a pet lover, I am outraged by this article about a dog being killed by a hunter."

"As an actor, I am appalled at how many untalented people there are on TV."

"As a woman, I think it's sexist to comment on another woman's boobs."

"As a Jehovah's Witness, I will not be celebrating my birthday."

"As someone who never promotes themselves, please check out this play I am in."

"As a human being, I breathe oxygen."

"As someone who loves shorter sentences I think prefacing a thought isn't generally important in most cases."

So, I spend some time on the Facebook, social networking, etc. As such, I come across many people's public thoughts. This is what happens when you are on Facebook. So I can't complain when I see messages like the ones I see above. But I'm starting to get a little tired of when people justify themselves constantly. I mean, I get it. You have a belief or a thought. Is it because of your profession or religion? Maybe, but if I know you, I already know that about you. Even if I don't, I'm not going to question your opinion. "Whoa whoa whoa... what do you MEAN you don't like litterers? Oh, you should have said 'As an EARTH LOVER...' because I totally didn't get that! Man, do I need extra clues to understand the basis of your opinion."

And as a blogger, I like to write about how I feel.

Earth Girls Phone Home

Okay guys, hold the phone. Or don't. Today on my way to work, I saw a woman with a huge red phone receiver attached to her cellphone. Even I had to stop and say, "Now, that's just ridiculous".

But now I'm thinking about it - I mean, it does keep down the levels of radiation on your head. It may be more functional than using a crappy iPhone (let's just be honest. I love my small-computer-that-sometimes-functions-as-a-phone but let's just call it what it is: an Angry Birds console). And there is something very classic about it. But if I'm going to go all the way, I'm going full Zack Morris:

Oi! Canada!

Now this is new I could get behind. Last night, Canadian actress Estella Warren was charged with DUI, and while she was being booked in the police station she GOT OUT OF HER HANDCUFFS AND FLED. This is serious news, people. Canadians are shifty - I've always said that (I haven't).

I hope this doesn't start an international kerfuffle, but if it does, I know whose side I'm on. Don't be a traitor, eh.

Aw Jeez

YOU GUYS, THE RAPTURE IS ALMOST HERE! No, actually, this is kind of sad to me. I'm not worried about floating up to heaven and hanging out with Pat Robertson and Sarah Palin; that, I'm excited about. What is sad to me is that, well, just in case it doesn't happen, a lot of people emptied their bank accounts and quit school/jobs because of this alleged event. This guy, for example, spent $140,000 of his life savings for subway and bus ads to warn people that the end is nigh. The kicker is, he doesn't even know if he'll be one of the lucky few saved. He actually just wants to warn us about it. I kind of feel like donating money to him. Then again, he'd probably just spend it on gambling and cocaine. Wouldn't you, if you woke up Sunday morning non-raptured? Shit, I may just do that anyway. Let's go to Vegas. Who's with me?

Today's Very Important Medical Pointers

Well, this week has been more exciting than expected! A show I'm in opened on Monday and it was freaking fantastic, plus other acting jobs have been popping up here and there, which is good because I've got to save up some money for Summer, know what I'm saying? Homegirl's gotta WORK. But on the flip side I ended up in the ER this week (boo) and unrelated I have to get a biopsy today (boob). Both things aren't all that serious, but I was reminded, due to both events, that sometimes I shouldn't be a wise-ass. Let's just say that not all people in the medical field have a sense of humor. That being said, here's a few pointers on how to conduct yourself in a situation where it pays to be serious. I've also rated them on a very scientific scale from one star (it's okay to joke a little) to four stars (please stop talking).

• When a 20 year old med student who looks like he's 15 asks you if you are having double vision, just answer the question. Don't say, "No, but your twin brother is ADORABLE!" (*** I'll be here all week)
• When said med student asks you what medication you are on, and you respond with "birth control pills", and he innocently asks, "How often", just answer "Once a day", not, "Whenever I don't want to have a BABY!". (**1/2 Try the veal) (FYI I opted for "Once a day")
• If you are getting a mammogram, it's best to keep the obvious jokes to a minimum. I'm pretty sure the mammo tech has heard the "panini press" reference more times than she can roll her eyes in a minute, which, by the way, is a lot. (** Take my wife... please!)
• On the off-chance you find yourself topless, face-up on a table in front of an ultrasound technician who is preparing the machine, it's not recommended to throw your hands up over your head, stick your chest out and say slyly, "We're about to get real intimate, you and I..." It may will just freak her out. You aren't in a Will Ferrell movie. (**** Why did the chicken cross the road) (FYI I did do this. It wasn't funny. To her.)
• Finally, remember to tip your surgeon. They're not supposed to take tips, but they do!

Movie Time

Okay, I have seen a lot of great marriage proposals, but this one really takes the wedding cake. I mean... I'll just let you watch for yourselves:

Trump Card

Today Donald Trump announced that he would not indeed be running for president. This is a very sad day for the 8% of people who would have thought him fit to lead the country. Luckily for them, the rapture is happening next week, so it doesn't really matter. Here is the full transcript of Trump's speech:

"After considerable deliberation and reflection, I have decided not to pursue the office of the Presidency. Today I'm very proud of myself ... Because I've accomplished something that no one else has been able to accomplish. I was just informed, while on the helicopter, that I am not running for president. I want to look at this, but I hope it's true, so that we can get onto much more important matters so the press can stop asking me questions. I should have not run a long time ago. Why I didn't do it when the Clinton's asked for it, why I didn't do it when everyone else was asking for it, I dunno. But, I am really honored, frankly, to have played such a big role in hopefully, HOPEFULLY getting rid of this issue. Now, we have to think about it, we have to say, 'Is this real? Is it proper? What's on my head?' And I hope it checks beautifully. I am really proud. I am really honored. Now we can talk about what a giant douche I am, and China."

Site Down

Well that was weird - Blogger, the wonderful service that hosts my ramblings for free, decided to delete my last post and a whole bunch of other people's posts from yesterday because of some kind of failed maintenance. I re-posted it for all 3 of you who read this blog. But really, Blogger? I expect more from a highly functional 99.9% accurate free service with a simple user-friendly structure. What do I pay you for? Those $0's don't come cheap.

Feral Patients

I was at the doctor way early this morning to avenge the doings of the Tit Waffle Machine (spoiler alert: the Tit Waffle Machine won), and I was in the waiting room with about 5 other people. It was 7:45, the office was on the Upper East Side, and it seemed everyone had a case of the cranks. So this woman walks up to the receptionist and hands her the prescription, and the receptionist asks her to take a seat. Well, apparently this woman has never been to a doctor's office before, because she informed the receptionist that SHE has an appointment. The receptionist gave her a sharp, "Everyone here has an appointment." At this point the collective energy of the other people waiting converged into one big massive hate on this woman. We had a reason to bond. So the 45 year old Doctor's Office Virgin then says, "But my appointment is for now." Oh DAMN! Yes, we were ready for an all-out rumble. I, the other woman my age, the 80 year old, the 20-something hispter boy with unfortunately large hips and the middle aged Indian man were about to POUNCE. Luckily we all know that most receptionists in the medical field have passive aggressive bitch blood rushing through their veins (also found in flight attendants who man the desks at airport gates), and she put that woman down with another, "Have a seat." The woman sat. We all eased into our chairs, and went back to resenting each others' presences for no logical reason.

Um Ok

It's been a very busy weekend over here at TempyCo, what with partying like a rockstar and getting ready for a show to open. But as some of you know, my other job during the day is in the personal assistant territory, and as such I get sent on interesting errands (ie. the time I had to pick up my boss's sister's Oscar award, investigate a puppy's lineage, order an out of stock American Girl doll from Ebay, etc). Today was a simple one: find and purchase dry shampoo.

I don't know about you, but I think they named this stuff after the sound it makes when you use it:

What's even funnier is that this is the exact brand my boss wanted but couldn't remember the name of, so the mission was successful. Here's how our conversation went.

Me: Uh... (pulling it out of my bag)

Her: Oh! PSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSST! That's the stuff.

Me: That's amazing.

Her: Doesn't it sound like the name of a feminine product?

Me: They should make SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Tampons.

Hey-OH!!! In other news, anyone want to come over here and give me a body rub? Not that kind, you pervs. I feel like every muscle in my body is telling me to slow down but my mind has other ideas.

Breast Day

Guess who had their first ever mammogram yesterday? This gal. And may I say it was horrible delightful. Who doesn't love tit waffles? I do, I'll tell you what. Nothing serious, it's just something my insurance covers as a preventative thing. What a crazy concept, right? I also had a sonogram just because. Why not? God bless top tier insurance my day job pays a ridiculous amount for so I get the best treatment that other people have to wait months for universal health care. What a country!

In other news, I spent all morning looking at houses to rent in Edinburgh. Why's that, you ask? Well, it looks like a show I'm in will have the honor of performing at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival! I'm so excited I could flatten my breasts in a vice. Oh, wait, I already did that. Anyway, yeah, I'm pretty excited. I also realized by doing this search that real estate anywhere but New York offers backyard space and walk in closets for dirt cheap.

Man Baby

I would just like to say that I respect sexual fetishes, and I understand that everyone has their own thing. But I can't really get this desire to be an adult baby, when it's NOT sexual. Hear me out - there's this guy who likes to be an adult baby. Ok, fine. He's found someone who wants to act like his mom. To each their own; I know tons of people in co-dependent relationships. But for him it's not sexual, it's a mode of comfort. Ok, I'm still with them. In the Adult Baby's own words, it's a way to "blow off some steam" after a "tough day's work". But here's where I'm lost - he doesn't even work. He just likes to drink from a bottle all day and play with toys. So really, the only difference between he and the Man Children I have talked about in the past, is that he's honest about wanting to be taken care of. Actually, I'm gonna go ahead and say more power to him.

Warning: only watch the video if you'd like your jaw to get a little loose and possibly open for at least an hour.

Buy Brooklyn!

What an exciting weekend! My friend's store, By Brooklyn, opened and it was a huge success! What was even more successful was my purchase of this amazing bag at her store. Oh, and it wouldn't be fair if I didn't mention her special helper.

As I've said in previous posts, my friend Gaia is one of those people that says they're going to do something, and then does it. Not everyone can say that. Her store is a celebration of people in our community who make things - beautiful things.

If you live in the BK, please go to her store! If you don't, all her amazingness will be available online starting in September.

In other news, did you hear that President Obama announced President Obama is dead? Zombiebama.