Today Donald Trump announced that he would not indeed be running for president. This is a very sad day for the 8% of people who would have thought him fit to lead the country. Luckily for them, the rapture is happening next week, so it doesn't really matter. Here is the full transcript of Trump's speech:
"After considerable deliberation and reflection, I have decided not to pursue the office of the Presidency. Today I'm very proud of myself ... Because I've accomplished something that no one else has been able to accomplish. I was just informed, while on the helicopter, that I am not running for president. I want to look at this, but I hope it's true, so that we can get onto much more important matters so the press can stop asking me questions. I should have not run a long time ago. Why I didn't do it when the Clinton's asked for it, why I didn't do it when everyone else was asking for it, I dunno. But, I am really honored, frankly, to have played such a big role in hopefully, HOPEFULLY getting rid of this issue. Now, we have to think about it, we have to say, 'Is this real? Is it proper? What's on my head?' And I hope it checks beautifully. I am really proud. I am really honored. Now we can talk about what a giant douche I am, and China."