Today's Very Important Medical Pointers

Well, this week has been more exciting than expected! A show I'm in opened on Monday and it was freaking fantastic, plus other acting jobs have been popping up here and there, which is good because I've got to save up some money for Summer, know what I'm saying? Homegirl's gotta WORK. But on the flip side I ended up in the ER this week (boo) and unrelated I have to get a biopsy today (boob). Both things aren't all that serious, but I was reminded, due to both events, that sometimes I shouldn't be a wise-ass. Let's just say that not all people in the medical field have a sense of humor. That being said, here's a few pointers on how to conduct yourself in a situation where it pays to be serious. I've also rated them on a very scientific scale from one star (it's okay to joke a little) to four stars (please stop talking).

• When a 20 year old med student who looks like he's 15 asks you if you are having double vision, just answer the question. Don't say, "No, but your twin brother is ADORABLE!" (*** I'll be here all week)
• When said med student asks you what medication you are on, and you respond with "birth control pills", and he innocently asks, "How often", just answer "Once a day", not, "Whenever I don't want to have a BABY!". (**1/2 Try the veal) (FYI I opted for "Once a day")
• If you are getting a mammogram, it's best to keep the obvious jokes to a minimum. I'm pretty sure the mammo tech has heard the "panini press" reference more times than she can roll her eyes in a minute, which, by the way, is a lot. (** Take my wife... please!)
• On the off-chance you find yourself topless, face-up on a table in front of an ultrasound technician who is preparing the machine, it's not recommended to throw your hands up over your head, stick your chest out and say slyly, "We're about to get real intimate, you and I..." It may will just freak her out. You aren't in a Will Ferrell movie. (**** Why did the chicken cross the road) (FYI I did do this. It wasn't funny. To her.)
• Finally, remember to tip your surgeon. They're not supposed to take tips, but they do!